That was hard as fuck. 37 M holding back fucking tears as I tell her that I’ve been abusing my prescription. She wasn’t mad but she was disappointed because I had been holding on to a lie that I was still in recovery from alcohol. I wasn’t, I had relapsed off the Adderall and it kick started that thing inside me that said “drinking would make this so much better.” She said the only reason she’s keeping me is because of our extensive history together, but she won’t be seeing me until I finish IOP as they have a psychiatrist in house.

Thank you everyone for your kind words! I truly appreciate this group and all of you in it!

I wanna add a lyric from one of my favorite bands, 311. “Nothing in life is above being honest”

So I relapsed but now I have 9 days clean. And the fatigue has been nothing short of overwhelming. I sleep constantly, even to this day. And I cannot nap the sleepyness away.

Now, something that *has* gotten better is the appetite. I don't eat nearly as much as in the first 5-6 days.

But the fatigue man... People — my friends, mom and relatives all worry for me. They don't know the full scope of my addiction and therefore won't connect my excessive sleep to drugs. They seem to think there's something else wrong with me. But it's all due to the speed.

Anyways, when did it start getting better for you guys?

I was clean for a year. Had taken some time off work to study and recover from burnout.

I got a job and wouldn't you know it, the business was collapsing and I had an insane micromanager. I take full responsibility in my decision to hop back on the meds during this time to push through 16 hour days and 6-7 day weeks

The good news is I came to my senses and quit the job after only 2 months. Such a waste of time it's been 3 weeks of withdrawal but nobody to blame but myself

I don’t know what I expect. I wish I had done a lot of research. Lying to get a script without ADHD, taking doses that sent my heart rate through the roof every day, doses into the evening hours and using weed for sleep has destroyed everything in my brain including my feelings. All of my executive and cognitive functions are gone. Not muted but gone. 10 months. I feel like the world’s dumbest addict.

Last week i flushed my ritalin after a year of use daily. I feel little to no motivation/ depression/ still not going to gym or wanna get a job, low dopamine/lethargic. Might give it a shot tomorrow. Although i tried it 2 years ago few days and felt foggy/anxious/agitated/sleepy. Hope this time is better

Hey guys, something I wrote.. Stay sober guys..
Just wanted to share it, because this night with him feels so lonely... Tonights dance doesnt feel right at all..

I have met the devil himself...

He is not big, red coloured, or scowling... just the
opposite!
He has a white colour, often has weight of less than a gram and he "understands" your problems the best. He is the most beautiful, smartest and the most witty creature existing. He will help you... but...

But...He wants something in return... a lot of things... If you dont pay - he gets very angry... Very... You always do pay, believe me!

Is it worth it?
Destroyed, tired and feeling like a truck ran over me - I still said: YES...

Fascinating...

I’ve been sober from adderall for two years after taking it for 5 and misusing it for 2 or so of those years. In the last two years, I’ve gone to therapy,back for a higher degree, become very fit, responsible, essentially have done a 180. I have a great reputation in school and respect from my employers. But the shame lingers. I’ve been working on it in therapy but an ongoing struggle is a total inability to start dating because I am really afraid of having to tell a partner I was abusing adderall. For background, I come from a very unstable but well off household so I feel guilt for ever using drugs because I grew up financially very well taken care of and a lot of the decisions I made while using were dangerous and irresponsible. I was, unsurprisingly, my worst self on adderall for the last few years I used it.

Basically I just want to know if anyone else has gotten sober and finally gotten over their fear of others finding out. I told one of my family members today and they didn’t really react. Other family members know and also didn’t react that much. But I fear I’ll move forward in my life and meet people who will really judge me and I won’t be able to deal with it.

I did some writing and reflection. I wrote this after, yet again, wishing I was "there", there with my dreams...

But I thought of my dreams differently than the usual way I do.

Usually, I hate today because tomorrow isnt what i want to be. Usually, I'll feel disappointed and like a failure when I think of what im not...

Anyway, i shifted perspective and thought much more pretty thoughts...

I wrote this:

I really want to study psychology and work as maybe a therapist, social worker, or advocate some day.

As a mentally ill addict, who dreams big dreams of using my knowledge/experience to serve others; you know what I can do while I'm just getting there?

Be my first client/patient.

...And every human, my clients/patients, unconditionally deserve love, kindness, respect, understanding, hope, freedom, peace, and happiness.

And come to find out, to live the dream I have been chasing, my own health and recovery are just as important as all the knowledge and empathy I pursue.

This gives me a new perspective towards my own suffering, current issues, and motivation for self-care/self-love which I usually didn't have motivation for at all.

Now the question is self care and self love, and what does it look like? How do I do it... lol.

I'm going to have fun figuring it out.