23 YEARS. I’ve been on this Earth 23 years, but have nothing to show for it outside of my trauma. Not a car, an apartment, a job, nothing not even a roof over my head. I’ve had a rough childhood that ultimately led to me being the black sheep. I had no chance, I was just a kid. Now as an adult I’m left with the pieces of who I once was while at the same time not knowing who I’m meant to be. I’m alone and the loneliness is so unbearable that I know, not think, KNOW that my presence on Earth wouldn’t be missed all bc I’ve been to afraid and anxious to make my mark on the world and the ppl around me. I’m going insane not having anyone that loves or cares abt me and I have been for years. If suicide was as easy as closing your eyes and allowing the sounds of nature to put me at rest I would’ve made myself scarce, bc no grind is worth the pain I’ve endured. I’m tired and I don’t even care abt myself anymore and idk how to care, at this point I just want to exist. I wish I could just be different. I wish I could be happy. But I only find myself wishing to be dead. What’s my life worth if I’m not even capable of being loved?

Things were looking up for a while but in the past 3 weeks ive been going downhill fast. All I can think of is how much I hate myself, how I need to lose the weight, how I need to do something with my life, find a partner, make better life choices, blahblah blah. Ive been making badddd decisions this week and oooohhh my god its notttt helpiinnggg

Hello. I am a 30-year-old male from Southeast Asia.

I am sick of my life. It began in my childhood when I was bullied and mocked for being feminine. It hurts that I spent most of my childhood crying.

When I was a teenager, I realized that I am gay and that I am attracted to older men. I have suppressed my feelings my whole life because, in my country, being gay is considered sinful and is very taboo. In the past, if I had a crush on someone, it would usually pass quickly.

That changed last year when I met a coworker and developed a huge crush on him. I know he is straight and married, but I find him incredibly attractive. We would talk casually, sometimes bringing up vulgar or sexual topics, and at some point, I fell in love with him. This is the first time I have ever fallen in love. I truly love him, but he does not love me back. Even when I traveled to visit him, he chose to meet someone else instead of me. It hurts so much.

Am I pathetic? I am so embarrassed, and I just want the pain to stop. My mind is constantly wondering: can I ever have a normal life? Or is this just the universe punishing me?

I hate myself for being too kind and understanding to the point that I'm starting to lose myself.

If someone asked me, "Who are you?" I'd probably just say, "Right... who am I?"

I kept adjusting. Adjusting, adjusting, and adjusting. Trying to understand everyone, trying to make things work. But somewhere along the way, I stopped understanding myself.

All I hear are people judging me—people who don't even know where I came from or what I've been through.

I'm starting to invalidate my own feelings. I tried opening up to some of my friends, but I ended up feeling invalidated too. It hurts when the people you thought would understand you make you feel like your feelings don't matter.

Sometimes I feel like my family doesn't even know I'm struggling. They don't know how hard it's been just to get through each day. I pray and pray to be okay, but every day I just feel more tired.

I keep asking myself, why am I so different? Why am I so weak? Why can't I be like everyone else? Why can't I be smart, pretty, or just enough?

I tried. I really did. I keep trying.

But I'm so tired.

The worst part is feeling like you have so many friends but still feel so alone. It's such an empty feeling.

And one thing I still can't forget is when someone called me a people pleaser. It hurt because all I ever did was give what I could. It wasn't against my will. I wasn't pretending. That's just how I thought kindness was supposed to be.

I never realized that people saw me that way, and it hurt even more because it came from someone I considered one of my closest friends.

So... what's the difference between being kind and being a people pleaser?

Because I honestly don't know anymore.

I feel like I’m wasting my life . I feel stagnant and lonely and just so alone .

I feel like I’m doing everything wrong . No , I know that I’m doing everything wrong. To this day I haven’t done anything to make my parents proud to call me their daughter. I always manage to fuck everything up .

School was a whole another story , the only expectation they had for me was to study . Do well in school . I couldn’t even do that . And the worst part is they didn’t scold me or pressure me or anything. When the results came -showing that I barely passed - they supported me . Said that they know I did everything I could .

But I hadn’t though . I hadn’t . I wasted my whole potential in 11th and 12th . Falling in love and playing leader . I studied for boards the day before . And then also I wasn’t trying my hardest. I was constantly chatting with my bf .

I did that because I knew that even with my half assed prep I would pass. I would get average marks overall . And I did . I’m average .

I think the worst part about all of this is that I know I could’ve done better . Ik I could’ve scored high if I tried . If I had started studying Atleast 3 days before.

And when the results came and revealed what I knew should be the results , I couldn’t even cry . When I did cry though , it was because my parents were telling me they were proud of me for doing all I could . They told me they were proud of me and all I did was fuck around .

I regret it so much . I feel like I’m an imposter . I feel like I’m not me . And if I am me I don’t like me .

And now I’m taking a drop year . Joined a coaching for 1lakh . And all I’m doing is attending the class , muting the call and watching reels . I don’t study . I lie to my parents saying I study from this to this . Pakshe all I’m doing is scrolling on my phone .

And I CANT STOP !!! I know what I’m doing is wrong . It’s gonna affect my future, I’m essentially cheating my parents , who has so much faith in me . Pakshe idk what to do . All i try to do turns out to be the wrong thing .

All my friends have started college and they’re ignoring me . I have no one to talk to , I feel like I’m no longer part of this society. I feel like an alien.

Idk how to explain it but, I feel like I’m not me . I hate who I am becoming.

Sometimes I even realise what I’m doing is wrong as I’m about to do it . So I try to stop myself, but it’s like something is complelling me to do it . I can’t tell you why . I don’t know why . But somehow no matter how much I try to stop it I do it anyway .

Idk what to do anymore. Ik I’m repeating myself. But I feel like no matter what I do it’s gonna be the wrong thing to do . I feel like cheyynnath okka abbhadhayi povnn.

And on to of all of this I have an insane temper. I hate that I get angry so quickly. I hate that I’m so easily irritable . I hate that I lash out at my loved ones . I hate that I hurt people who love me . I hate that I hurt people with words . I hate that I somehow always manages to make everyone get tired of me . I hate that I exist .

I don’t know what to do .

so guys sometimes I just wanna commit suicide because I just hate me and my life I’m just gonna ask what should I do

I don't think there is one thing about my body that | like. I have a soft tummy. My butt isn't big enough. I have hip dips. My boobs are tuberous. My skin is riddled with keratosis pilaris. I have an ugly vagina. My face hasn't been completely clear of acne in a year. I can't smile like a normal person because it looks awkward.

Every day I find a new thing to obsess and stress over. I feel trapped inside of this disgusting body. I hate myself so much. I'm withdrawn from everything because of my insecurities and self-hatred. I can't focus on important things because my mind is always preoccupied with how outlandishly ugly I find everything about myself.

Nobody could love this gross vessel. But I yearn for love.
It's killing me mentally. To know that I'll never experience easy intimacy like everyone around me seems to be.
Physical attraction plays a huge part and I don't even have a good appearance to offer. I could never get naked around someone without the fear that they'll laugh in my face and shame me.

Everyone says the media constantly feeds you unrealistic standards that actually aren't as applicable when it comes to real-life dating. I'm not denying that there might be truth in that. That realistically, people know it would be absurd for everyone to accept no less than a supermodel. But I don't even see myself as average.
You're a boob guy? Nice, mine are small and gross-looking. You're an ass man? Great, mine's nothing special. You're just looking for genuine connection, regardless of how I look? You don't exist. Either that, or you're 20 years older than me in a country thousands of miles away.

I come across many kind, supportive and accepting people online but I'm convinced they don't exist in real life. Only God could help me, if he even exists.

i.. want to be a dad. i can't hold down a job. it feels like all i have is my creativity and enough self-arrogance or pride or whatever to refuse to overly monetize it.
i offer nothing but my anger and my love for humanity's good aspects. i.. want cruel things for people who reject their humanity, sure, but.. i also have the self awareness to question who i am to define what constitutes rejecting one's own humanity. yet.. i also hold enough unearned confidence to say certain assholes do genuinely just reject their own humanity.
i.. also feel so much shame about liking who i like. it's honestly fucking annoying to anyone who makes the mistake of listening. it's not even anything harmful, i just feel so much shame and self doubt about it that i'm so fucking annoying to everyone around me. i just.. idk.

i want a better life than i'm willing to assert for myself. because i feel no right to assert myself.

Ever since I was a kid, I hate being part of a non white background in which my dad was verbally agressive towards me. Ever since he and my mother where divorced I think of how much hatefull thoughts I feel of being half white and half coloured. I feel better of being white. Pls don't hate me for it, this is just honestly how I feel as a mixed race person.

So when I was in 3rd grade my mom found out that I was taking so long of my exam because I was struggling, and mind you she went angry and she told dad and they got angry,so they sat me down and scolded me and said I was dumb and compared me to my Best friend,and they threatened to enroll me in the kindergarten harshly and slapped me, mind you I cried and the next day , dad teach me how to do math and I hate math, and then when I couldn't get it he slapped me by the face and said I'm dumb, and spoiled when I literally bought my own snack food by my own money, and then in grade four they interrogate me if I got out grade or out past in a quiz and I said no , and in grade 5 they made fun of my grade in it's with highest and I didn't deserve it, and in and dad teach me how to do math again and it's about percentage, and he slapped me two times because I didn't get it right, and said I'm dumb again, and grade 6 they stopped I don't know why tho and I always cried my self to sleep every day since grade 3, and fr that I have some kind of brawn on my side cheek below the eye on the side , it's because of the years of crying,

So I'm in highschool now, and I hate my life I always tried to kill myself but I couldn't do it, it's too painful, so back to the story, I'm here in the Philippines, and in my elementary life I'm always the smartest, and my family is....toxic, yes you heard me toxic, so one day I was at school , I'm just writing down my classmates names because of our agreement of something, so our teacher suddenly drops a pop quiz that the top 3 will enter a contest grade 7 to grade 12, so the quiz started, and forgot to tell you that it's nutrition month, in our school so , I wasn't in the top 3 but I'm still 4th , and my Mom found out that I wasn't place in the top 3 and mom told dad, and I went silent... Because they got angry , mind you when I was in 3rd grade they threatened to enroll me in grade 1 if I'm not too in my exam,yes all my years I'm suffering because of them they compared me to other kids , they scolded me just because I love drawing, alright!! This makes me cry ,so back to the story ,my mom and dad scolded me harshly, mind me I'm an emotional kid and I'm trying my best not to cry, and I decided myself to be.quiet , stay tone for an update byeee

...I break; feeling all my hope scooped out of my head and replaced with shame.

What is it to be morally right or wrong? I agonize, wishing to kill myself, tempting to cut my wrist, cut, cut... over my morality...

Feeling the background noise of my urges is proof I haven't recovered *yet*, I back away from getting help, whether by reaching out in real life, calling 988, texting 741741 or visiting a psychiatrist...

Even at the near-bottom of tragic feelings, I still have the patience to endure my flaws.

Looped; thinking I'm terrible at everything, doing something poorly or not doing it at all, therefore proving I'm terrible...and spiraling down.

I would fight my flaws head-on and achieve helping others, even if my life's worth nothing.

How do I come to terms with the feelings and thought's I am not well liked? I have struggled my whole life with low self esteem and zero confidence, it comes from childhood trauma. I have been diagnosed with EUPD. I drank and did drugs to 'get away from myself' for a while and I felt what it must be like to be a normal human, especially when on E's but now that's gone I'm completely empty. I have tried to kill myself loads of times but I just won't die! People call me names every day idiot, twat, wanker, just like your uncle Anthony, disloyal, untrustworthy, shady, selfish, no carrism.....and that's just my Dad and Btother lol. I was seriously picked on at school and bullied but at least I got the better of the bullies because in the end I smacked them clean in the mouth. My mother didn't want to or couldn't look after us after she split with my very physically and verbally abusive father, and tbh I still haven't gotten over it 50 years later. I could forgive my mother but I have been told I'm not allowed to speak to her, otherwise I will be disowned and written out of the will. I have such low self esteem I can't for the life of me think why any person would want to be with me. I don't even know how to attract a partner let have a reasonably good and healthy relationship. I struggle to interact with people because all this is going around in my head producing that much negativity, it's easier to just go home. I know I'm hated because at the end of the night I would be going home alone and everyone else would be hooking up & that says a lot to me. I'm constantly thinking about killing myself and I cant get it out of my head. I'm not allowed an opinion when discussing things regarding my own kids and when I became a father I completely lost my mind. I'm in such a bad place I don't actually want to wake up in the morning.

How do I come to terms with the feelings and thought's I am not well liked? I have struggled my whole life with low self esteem and zero confidence, it comes from childhood trauma. I have been diagnosed with EUPD. I drank and did drugs to 'get away from myself' for a while and I felt what it must be like to be a normal human, especially when on E's but now that's gone I'm completely empty. I have tried to kill myself loads of times but I just won't die! People call me names every day idiot, twat, wanker, just like your uncle Anthony, disloyal, untrustworthy, shady, selfish, no carrism.....and that's just my Dad and Btother lol. I was seriously picked on at school and bullied but at least I got the better of the bullies because in the end I smacked them clean in the mouth. My mother didn't want to or couldn't look after us after she split with my very physically and verbally abusive father, and tbh I still haven't gotten over it 50 years later. I could forgive my mother but I have been told I'm not allowed to speak to her, otherwise I will be disowned and written out of the will. I have such low self esteem I can't for the life of me think why any person would want to be with me. I don't even know how to attract a partner let have a reasonably good and healthy relationship. I struggle to interact with people because all this is going around in my head producing that much negativity, it's easier to just go home. I know I'm hated because at the end of the night I would be going home alone and everyone else would be hooking up & that says a lot to me. I'm constantly thinking about killing myself and I cant get it out of my head. I'm not allowed an opinion when discussing things regarding my own kids and when I became a father I completely lost my mind. I'm in such a bad place I don't actually want to wake up in the morning.

I don't respond to comments, or starting the conversation in the comment section and I just think that's weird when the intro should be in a chat reqs anyways.

Well, the Redditors know my previous posts that I'm permanently leaving Reddit July of 26 or 29th of 2026 and if you need someone to text, because you're feeling depressed then you can message me through here.

This is my Sleep Token Discord server (I've already posted on another sub with more details, because I'm not sure what we can post here and cannot post here.)

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5ub0fBiISY49M3rFDeGBMf?si=zVHXUu87Qs2Xjwb7-1IKGA

Extra 🔗s just in case one is broken.

https://discord.gg/SxnnCgdK8V

https://discord.gg/DEKjDVUxvy

https://discord.gg/GaJweU5Qj3

tl;dr I’ve essentially swapped cutting myself for gooning

So I’ve been clean from sh for ~almost 2 months now. I’ve always watched porn even whilst I was shing but it was never a serious addiction. But now ever since I quit sh I’ve geuibley become addicted to porn now and I feel like I’m not really clean from sh cuz I’m still watching porn even thought I’ve stopped shing. It’s essentially my coping mechanism now and I disgust myself for it.

if i was a dog life would be so much better smh

I pushed so many people away because I believed I was a bad person. I couldn’t bear the thought of the people I loved getting hurt because of me or having to stay beside someone like me. I wanted them to find someone better, someone who could give them the peace and happiness I never felt I could.
Life with me always seemed exhausting. I’m a deeply gloomy person, and I never wanted anyone’s pity. I didn’t want to burden them with my problems or cast a shadow over their days. I wanted them to experience life at its brightest, surrounded by people who could make them smile… not someone like me.
And yet, when I see they’ve moved on and found the life I hoped they would, my heart still breaks. It hurts more than I can put into words. But I tell myself there’s nothing I can do, because maybe this really is what’s best for them.
Everyone who enters my life seems to end up carrying a weight they never asked for. Maybe I hurt them, or maybe I only believe I do I honestly don’t know anymore. I just can’t see myself as someone who could truly make another person happy. Everything around me my family, my life has always felt heavy, and I never wanted that darkness to reach the people I love.
Now I’ve made a terrible mistake, and all I can think is that I should leave everyone behind. I want to push them all away, so it will be easier for me to let them go… and easier for them to move on without me.

I hate myself. And I find it pathetic. This whole community is pathetic. Just wallowing in self loathing instead of just doing something. Just starting. Just one step a day. But you are so addicted to a version of yourself. So attached to feeling shit. I go out of my way to make my life worse. And the worse it gets the more I hurt people around me. It’s so selfish.

i would be happy if I were white, I would be beautiful.

I'll never be beautiful, I hate my shit colored skin so much. I hate summer, I hate my 3c hair. I hate my lips, my nose, I hate when people refer to me as what I am, I hate, hate, hate hate when people ask me what I am and I have to say what third world country my parents are from, I hope my children come out with beautiful European features.

I low-key feel like i'm ugly like every guy I like always rejects me everyone around me are getting into a relationship but I just can't even get into one. Like I don't think i'm ugly but I guess everyone around me does. Im I bad person for being jealous that my friends are into a relationship like what can I even do I'm just a helpless person who wants to find someone to love me and craving for the love that my parents never gave me. I'm I bad person???

Im struggling in career jobless im also gay 😔 if i would have been a girl life would have been less difficult when someone doest have a professional life aswell as personal life what one have ??? Being unemployed is biggest curse ? Sorry but i may sound wrong but if i would been a girl and my career wouldn't be taking off i would have chose to be a house wife happily now i dont even have that option males are constantly made to prove their worth im very good at doing all household thing i love cooking lmao