I hate myself. And I find it pathetic. This whole community is pathetic. Just wallowing in self loathing instead of just doing something. Just starting. Just one step a day. But you are so addicted to a version of yourself. So attached to feeling shit. I go out of my way to make my life worse. And the worse it gets the more I hurt people around me. It’s so selfish.

i would be happy if I were white, I would be beautiful.

I'll never be beautiful, I hate my shit colored skin so much. I hate summer, I hate my 3c hair. I hate my lips, my nose, I hate when people refer to me as what I am, I hate, hate, hate hate when people ask me what I am and I have to say what third world country my parents are from, I hope my children come out with beautiful European features.

I low-key feel like i'm ugly like every guy I like always rejects me everyone around me are getting into a relationship but I just can't even get into one. Like I don't think i'm ugly but I guess everyone around me does. Im I bad person for being jealous that my friends are into a relationship like what can I even do I'm just a helpless person who wants to find someone to love me and craving for the love that my parents never gave me. I'm I bad person???

I stopped meth after 60 days and all I am is a gay loser with no money, no boyfriend, no career living in sober living. Life is unbearable and i can't do this if every second is emotionally unbearable. Unless I can get money, a high paying job, and boyfriend then I give up. The only thing harder than being gay is being gay and poor

Like bro I'm 30 and ugly af , I'm terribly jealous of good looking people and feel disgusted everytime I look in the mirror . I wear a medical mask everyday to cover my face so that nobody can see how ugly I am without it, not to mention this ugly stubborn double chin I got. Yes regardless of what I wear or what I try to change my face is still my face, the medical mask is the only thing that helps a little when I'm in public.

(I got no friends so I'm just letting it out here)

I am a rotten apple. I make everyone around me depressed because I'm always overthinking about something and there is honestly nothing happy that I ever share with anyone.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months and we have hardly ever gone on dates because my parents are strict and they don't let me date. Plus we're in college and preparing for a very hard exam. He failed it twice while I passed it in the first attempt. He failed the first time because he got into drama with his friend group in the first year of college (before we even met) and lost focus. The second time we had started dating and he had a good chance of clearing the exam but he failed by 3 marks. And before the exam I used to annoy him so much because I was afraid he was still talking to his ex or using me because she had started posting again and he was still following her, and even though nothing happened I was so anxiously attached to him that I made him so depressed by asking for constant reassurance and I KNOW that he failed the second time because of me and I can't get over the guilt and I'll always live with it. However he used to hangout with his friends for 3-4 hours before the exam so that might have made an impact too but the blame is mostly on me(at least that is what u try to tell myself to bury the guilt deep down inside of me)

I stopped my toxic behaviour of being obsessed with his past after he told me to and I knew I needed to change but there were still so many unsolved problems with my anxiety. I would always call him to tell about my day and I would only talk about something negative like "yeah I felt so embarrassed and awkward about that thing that happened in college today, I'm never doing that again" and I would always cry because I thought it didn't affect him, but recently he told me it did and it's making him depressed too to the point that he started talking less to me.

His 3rd attempt is coming up and he told me he needs a 2 month break so he can prepare for it without any distractions and I told him I didn't have any problem with it because I know I keep going back to my old habits and I'm toxic. I even tried breaking up with him because I was constantly doing this but he wants to stay together and trusts that I'll fix it.

He wants me to be more expressive and stop pushing people away that like me and take care of myself even if we don't last, but I feel like I'll disappoint him all over again. Not only him but all other relationships that I have. Also I'm too broke for therapy, which I did consider once.

The guilt is killing me and I feel like I don't deserve anything that I've achieved but my parents are dependent on me and I have to do something for them.

I once used to think I was an amazing person who made everyone feel good but turns out to be just an emotionally manipulative person.

I am not seeking sympathy here, all criticism is welcome, I deserve it and I need people to be brutally honest with me as I feel that is the only way I can be better and not repeat this again.

I'm fat and I know it bro. I may be a teen, but I know I'm not skinny. And I'm too lazy/unmotivated to actually do anything about it so I fall into a spiral of self-hate and then anger. And I get girls coming up to me talking about how they're so fat as if I'm not two sizes bigger than them OBVIOUSLY. Like how can someone be that fucking dense?

I'm also sick of all this body positivity bullshit. I'm not happy in my body, I wanna do something about it, no amount of 'omg love urself' or 'people would've gone to war for u' is gonna make me feel better. how can ppl not read the fucking room??

And I'm too lay do actually do anything to get skinny. I've tried half assed to do workouts and shit but it never sticks. And I know I eat like shit, but I can't fix that either. it's genuinely so fucking annoying and frustrating that I can't get myself to just workout and be healthy.

Im struggling in career jobless im also gay 😔 if i would have been a girl life would have been less difficult when someone doest have a professional life aswell as personal life what one have ??? Being unemployed is biggest curse ? Sorry but i may sound wrong but if i would been a girl and my career wouldn't be taking off i would have chose to be a house wife happily now i dont even have that option males are constantly made to prove their worth im very good at doing all household thing i love cooking lmao

everyday i wake up, i remember the bad things that i did in my life. bad decision's , bad choices , bad things and etc. i just feel empty. i hate myself. i always think of suicide but im scared of death. with the matter that i hate my life and myself, i am still scared. but im just done with my life. i did things that i cannot even explain to my parents. i just dont want to exist,

i want to distract myself by doing things that makes you think more, but i cannot,

i pray everyday to make myself calm, but it just doesnt work. i did things that, i just regret, the moment that i was doing these things, i wasnt myself. i dont know why did i even thought about doing something like those...

i cant take it anymore. but still im scared. im scared of suicide , scared of death, scared of my own life ... i dont know what should i do...

So I managed to do it, I did what expected of me for once. I failed my final year of high school meaning I’m gonna do it all over again. For once I actually did what everyone expected which was to fail. I already knew I was flunk since my junior year considering how shit my grades were. So many opportunities to change or do better but my shit brain thought it was better to do nothing. I was planning to kill myself when I inevitably flunk but I’m too much of a coward to actually go through it so now I’m stuck as myself. Not once during my wasteful 18 years of life have I been something to be proud of, I have consistently been a disappointment and pain in the ass to all my loved ones. I can see in their faces how disappointed they are of me, all my friends will go to college and get good jobs while I’m stuck as the shithead who is too stupid to even properly read instructions. I’m a joke to my family, they won’t say it out loud but I can see it in their faces. My brothers talk about it plainly “by your age you should get stuff straight”, “you are already behind everyone”
I already my parents disappointed faces, knowing their son is a joke. Everyone can see I have the capacities of a two year old. I’m never gonna be taken seriously. Now off to my 13 year of school where it will be a daily reminder of how much of a waste I am. Every teacher will look at me with the same face “should’ve done better last year and you wouldn’t be here”

I can’t even be mad at anyone but myself. I’m the one who wasted all his opportunities, never made any effort, won’t even have good memories of people since I was such a dickhead to people and whine too much. Here I thought isolating myself and making shitty drawings all day thinking that maybe I could be a comic creator instead of actually putting effort to get a good position in life.
I’ll be working in minimum wage my whole life while my family has to help me because I’m too useless to even function, if they get tired of me I’ll surely end up homeless and die alone like I deserve.

i don’t have any motivation for the things that keep me going. moving my body is exhausting and i feel constantly caked in dirt and grime. i’ve gone through all of my hobbies for the past two days and nothing is giving me any dopamine whatsoever. when am i gonna feel something again?

i started talking to an old friend. it’s nice, but honestly it’s making me so self conscious. i keep thinking i’m bothering him and he doesn’t really want to talk to me no matter what signals he gives.

i don’t want to make him think i’m miserable. i don’t want to be in his mood down every time i’m around, but everyone seems to treat me like a black hole for all happiness lately. no matter how much i do the right facial expressions and tones of voice they all see through it. wish they would just stop fucking asking me about it. i don’t have an answer.

not sure what to do from here. just sleep my life away? that’s probably what i’ll do if nothing works some time soon lmao

I truly hate existence I've pushed forward through so much shit trying to look for reasons to get better or improve but I don't enjoy anything anymore.there really is no greener grass on the other side I have absolutely 0 friends online or in person, and generally dislike most people. My childhood was so fucked in genuinely upsets me just to see someone having a happy healthy relationship with their parents or something simple like that.

My mother will be able to take care of my dog and she's probably the only one who would slightly miss me anyways as I am basically her handyman. I've been dropped by numerous therapists.

Fuck this stupid shitty rock, and the united States mental healthcare system that's on it.

I was going to post this rant elsewhere, but I made a new account just to post it and other subs have karma/age requirements. I'm not sure I'll even end up reading responses to this, I think I just wanted to feel like this part of me could be seen/heard. Or maybe it's just 4:00 in the morning and I was overthinking and wanted to spontaneously post my overthoughts. Idk

Some context:

Breezed through school my whole life, and even managed to get a full-ride scholarship for four years of undergraduate. They pay for everything- housing, food, you name it- and all I really have to do is keep good grades and manage some tax paperwork now and then, which I do.

My parents passed when I was young, so I don't see much of one side of my family, but consider myself to be fairly close to my other side, and live with the grandparents on that side (bless their hearts) between school semesters when there is no job lined up (so far just this semester).

My career hasn't really started yet. I worked(?) for a lab at my college for about a year but left not long ago. With a year of internship/lab experience going into my 3rd year I'm not in a poor position to look for internships or newgrad jobs in the future.

I have people I game with, people I study with, people I geek out to about the newest coding and computer stuff, but don't really have many close friends. My friends/classmates/non-immediate family don't really know me, probably because I'm too scared that they won't like me if they did, so I don't let myself get close to them.

All of this sounds okay on the outside- financial situation is great, close to immediate family (grandparents + siblings are rather close), career is developing(?) as it should for someone my age- but I've been grappling with this feeling for a number of months I just can't shake.

I feel like a fraud. No, I know I'm a fraud. I hate that I'm a fraud.

I've felt guilty since before leaving my internship for not knowing what the fuck I was doing. I'm scared out of my mind at the thought of doing that to someone else, and it drives me insane during the job hunt. Are they going to know they're hiring a fraud? Should I tell them? Would my previous job tell them? Would they even care (I'm only 21, and I don't think I'm any sort of psychopath, so is it even an issue)?

I keep good grades but fuck if I care about computer science or theoretical mathematics. The whole good student thing is a front I put up to everyone- friends, family, teachers, anyone you can think of- and I couldn't give two shits about the newest math conjecture, probability theory, machine learning paper, etc. I just need a conversation ender to distract people from the fact that I don't give two shits about what they do- the newest music album, celebrity drama, book clubs- and that I don't have a reason other than it just doesn't matter. At least this way I can tell people that "I just do computers" or some bullshit.

Job searching and not seeing school friends over this summer has really brought this feeling to a front. I feel so ashamed talking to recruiters or doing online assessments pretending to be this person I'm not. I feel so ashamed that my friends have to deal with this watered-down, uninterested shell of a person I've constructed. I've holed up in my room and haven't even looked at applications in two weeks. My sleep hygiene is poor and my gaming addiction has resurfaced. I don't talk to any friends and family now because I'm ashamed to be seen like this. I'm absolutely terrified to go to school now that I'm realizing all of this. It feels like there is no future where I don't feel this way, and I don't know what to do.

To be honest I feel absolutely humiliated writing all of this. But I just don't know how to cope. I don't want to fall into the same self harm habits I did in high school. I don't know how to get help, and I'm scared any attempt to would expose(?) me as the fraud I am and everything would come crumbling apart.

Thanks for coming to me TED talk.

TLDR: Jumbled nonsense and I don't know how to end a post.

I said I might not read responses. That was a lie because I know that I need external validation. So whether it's blunt truths or bouts of encouragement, I'll likely read anything you comment.

trying to work through depression and anxiety without bothering anyone nothing in this world is more important than being there. Being there for those in my life, but some days my world is crumbling around me and no one knows it because im good at hiding pain with a smile, but if you ask me how im doing my response will always be. im good even when im not

I'm tired of living with self-hatred. I'm only 16, but I can't see any future for myself at all. I don't see any point in my existence. I hate who I am, my emotions, and my feelings. And now I can’t even accept my appearance—though how can I accept it when I see myself as a monster on the inside? I’m tormented by an obsessive feeling that I haven’t finished something, that I need to double-check something, and it goes on like this forever. I never feel satisfied; I can only calm down for a moment. And it’s like this every day. I tried to drown my problems in alcohol; I went on binges, but back then I simply stopped living—I was just existing. Now I’ve been motivated to become a better person, and I’ve given up alcohol so that at least there would be some positives in my life. But I realize that this won’t solve all my other problems. I feel inferior compared to my friend, but at the same time, I don’t take compliments directed at me seriously. No one has ever sworn their love to me—I’ve only ever been rejected. It’s hard for me to believe that anyone could love me. I know it’s too early to judge, but my brain just can’t handle it. I’ve repeatedly hurt myself as punishment—for my weakness, for not doing enough, for feeling certain things. I just don’t know what to do. There are moments when I actually feel better, but there aren’t enough of them to make life worth living. Otherwise, I have a good life, but I feel like I’m the main problem. I’ve thought about suicide—a lot—but I’m not selfish; I can’t do that to my loved ones. But living like this sucks, too.I'm so tired; I don't have the strength to fight anymore, but if I let myself sink to the bottom, I'll just end up hating myself even more, and things will get even worse. It's like an endless cycle of self-hatred. And I don't consider any of my problems to be serious, so I don't know if I should seek help from a therapist or a psychiatrist.I didn't tell anyone about my problems.

I feel so insecure, lately I just look at other girls and wonder who would ever want to settle with me? Is it normal to think that?

I feel ugly, I feel like I'm not even his standards, I feel like I'm lower then his standards actually. I just want to feel good about myself for once.

I don't know why I feel this way there is no reason but I just can't help but try to hold myself to others standards, I just want to be enough. Is that okay to ask?

I want to be what someone looks forward too, I want to be a first choice, I want to be someone anyone could talk to, I want to be able to stand up and do things for myself, I want to be more.

I just never feel like enough because I can't seem to make myself good enough. I hate how I am, I really do and I wish I could change I wish I could be like my best friends, they are beautiful inside and out and I'm ugly. People only talk to me because I'm friends with my best friends.

I wish I could see myself through someone else.