Ni-let go ko ang lalakeng mahal ko dahil nabibigatan na ako. Ang sakit, ang hirap.

I’m a __ year-old female and working student, 3rd year college na. My ex was the same age as same year level din. I grew up in a househould na kailangang kumayod dahil maaga akong namulat na ang pera ay kailangang paghirapan at hindi basta-bastang nahihingi lang. I was forced to be a working-student dahil hirap na din ang parents ko na itaguyod kami. Panganay din ako sa aming magkakapatid. Since bata pa’ko, maaga akong namulat sa hirap ng buhay. Hindi ako nanghihingi ng kahit ano sa parents ko kahit nung bata pa ako. Nakatanim na sa utak ko na, “ Masyadong mahal, ibibili nalang namin ng kanin to.” in the age of 7 years old. Nakaranas din akong kumain ng panis na lugaw dahil sa gutom, umiiyak ang nanay ko habang pinapakain kami nun.

Fast forward, now that I‘m older and may capacity na na tulungan ang mga magulang ko i started working in fast food chain habang nag-aaral. At, nagka-boyfriend ako. He was my highschool sweetheart:) Masasabi kong mahal na mahal ko ang lalakeng ‘yun. Nung una, we were striving. Going on simple dates and living together sa apartment ko. Until, paunti-unti, ako na ang nagbabayad ng lahat. Pero okay lang, inintindi ko lahat kasi wala naman siyang work e. Tapos, nag-aaral pa din siya. Naiintindihan ko naman.

Unti-unti akong napagod. Na-feel ko na unti-unti akong inuubos ng set-up namin na ako ang nagbabayad ng lahat and iniintindi ko lang siya. Mahirap kaming dalawa, pero bakit parang nahihirapan ako? Bakit parang ang bigat? Ilang araw kaming hindi nag-usap dahil sobrang lamig ko. Naging malamig ako dahil sa pagod sa trabaho at pag-aaral ko. Dumagdag pa na finals namin nung time na ‘yun. Nagkita kami sa seaside and I confronted him about it, na nahihirapan na ako.

Natahimik siya, matagal siyang hindi naka-imik. Nangingilid na ang luha ko habang nakatingin sa dagat. Sabi niya, “ Nandito ako para sa’yo, palagi. Hinding-hindi kita pababayaan. Pero wala pa talaga ngayon eh.”

Wala na kami ngayon. Pero, nag-away kami before kami completely nag-break. Sabi niya sa’ken, kung mahal niya talaga ako i’d stay daw kahit anong mangyari. Sabi niya, I made him feel worthless kasi bakit parang dali lang para sa’kin na iwan siya.

Mahal na mahal ko siya, pero hindi ko alam. Hindi ko kaya mabuhay sa ganoon na set-up.. Takot ako. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako takot, pero takot ako.

I feel like never ending cycle lang buhay ko. Walang savings, living paycheck to paycheck tapos need pa i support financialy yung pamilya. I gave up my hobbies or going out kasi hindi afford. I feel stuck sa situation ko, minsan nagseselos ako sa ibang kilala ko na financially stable. Yung kaya nila pumunta kahit saan or bilhin anong gusto nila. Tsaka walang malaking responsibility sa buhay. I hate comparing my life kasi alam ko iba iba yung situation ng mga tao, pero tangina ang unfair ng buhay. I feel like giving up diko na alam if this life will get better.

I want to be healthy before I sleep. I can kind of feel the pain or heaviness in my chest. I don't know. My dad just passed away, and I haven't been able to grieve properly. I don't know either. Now my mom suddenly got weak. Like, she lost so much weight. I feel that it's really painful to lose a spouse, so maybe that's why. I'm just worried about her. She might suddenly follow him, but I hope not. So, I'm getting anxious. Anyway, they are my grandparents. But they treat me like their child because I'm the one supporting them. Actually, the whole family. The breadwinner of the extended family.

I live paycheck to paycheck. I can't save for myself because I need to support them. My mom, my aunt, they're all separated from their spouses unfortunately hahahahahaha. So the single mothers in the family are the ones holding it together. I get their low salary, so I don't force them to give anything. But lately, I'm feeling it! I'm not mad. I just feel like I have no direction. I can't blame them, myself, or anyone because I love them.

All I am asking is a fucking opportunity. I'm not asking for money or anything. Just an opportunity, Lord. To enhance everything so that I can be more successful and support all of them. Honestly, I feel pity for my family, for my mom, my aunt, my uncle, my brother, and my cousins. I wanna help them succeed too. So, Lord, please just let me be your instrument so I can help them before I die.

PS. Is it lacking or confusing? I'm not good at storytelling, but what I know is that it's hard to be poor.