Please comment for a flair in response to this post

Salaam brothers (and the women lurking about :) ),

It has been some time since my divorce and I wanted to give an update regarding my situation while also providing some value to you. Please take the time to read (I will make this as concise as possible) this post and learn from my experiences. Hopefully Insha'Allah, that when you all get married, you will be equipped with the knowledge that you have learnt from here to be better prepared for what is to come (both the good and the potential bad).

I will present my reflection in a list type format so it is easier to comprehend:

1) The courting phase - I feel like my perspective on this has drastically changed now that I am looking again for a potential compared to when I was initially looking. As a man, the natural inclination to marriage is to direct our desire in a halal manner. Yes, there was a desire to have a life partner, a best friend, someone who shares the same values as me but what I would say to you is to actually write down why you want to get married and what do you want from it. Ask others who are married and listen to their experiences. What are your values, what are you willing to compromise/not compromise. In addition, observe not just her and her character while talking to her but also observe her family. How do the family interact with each other, if you have cultural practices, does she adhere to them? Observe her mom and dad, how do they interact? What about extended family, what do others say about them, are they people with respectable qualities? These things aren't necessarily factors that you would consider unless you are somewhat clued on but don't rush the process, do your due diligence, it will save you in the long run. From my experience, my marriage was done by good will and outward reputation but this was all a facade. Furthermore, there were things that were happening right infront of us but because we gave them benefit of the doubt, we overlooked it, something we shouldn't have done. Be nosey, protect yourself people!

From my experience, the girl and her family hid her serious mental health/self harm issues, which caused severe difficulty in the marriage. That plus false allegations/police involvement and legal threats, even though I had a positive relationship with the family was so out of left field, I would encourage you all to do as deep of a background check as possible to protect yourself from future potential suffering.

2) The mahr - This is her right in Islam. Don't be paying outlandish amounts. Remember that if she likes you, they will be reasonable in the amount, if she isn't just bun her. Secondly, make it something you can afford, my goal is to offer something like 3 months wages. Remember that this is her right however you can use this as a test to vet her, like I said above, if she likey she will be considerate of you.

3) The negotiation phase - You both are going to be talking and trying to come to an understanding. Now brothers, she may be attractive to the eye but be both firm in your values/ requirements but also, and this is something that is new that I will bring when I seek out my potential, be understanding of her needs/desires. E.g. If she goes and says I want my man to cover me financially, naturally your response would be defensive but, instead reply well what is your lifestyle like and what does that look like to you. I know the natural inclination is to respond in a defensive/offensive manner (probs from videos you seen on YouTube or read on socials, especially some of the rage bait content these people do on TikTok - my god) but remember boys, firstly you both don't know each other so if she says outlandish stuff, just say thank you no thank you. Secondly, these women just want to feel acknowledged/understood/cared for/ feel like this man understands their perspective, ngl all these women have this hard exterior shell but that is just armour, they mushy on the inside. Approach with compassion while also still being firm in your stance and insha'Allah it will go positively. Worst case, you leave the house with no future wifey, you had none to begin with so the net loss is zero.

4) Your Finances - Your money is your money, ignore the bull that you hear some people say. She has certain rights over your finances, within what is in your means and of the necessities, but that's it. Now boys... I wouldn't say implement operation Hakimi but do go to a solicitor and discuss your finances. You may be thinking this is overkill but boys, you are entering a contract agreement, aka you are bound by it. Many countries are now proposing potentially making nikkah the same as getting married by the state, so if you go in there blind, this lovely innocent girl, the girl that says no I wouldn't do that, Hate to break it to you... she will do that to you. Protect yourself, understand the rules, educate yourself and keep your future safe!

5) The nikkah contract - Many of you who haven't seen a nikkah contract before, I will explain it here. Basically there's yours and your future wife's signature, and one witness from each side, they have their signature on it. The imam will allow you to read the contract prior to signing it. It explicitly says how much the dowry you are paying and the most important part is just under it where it says conditions. Now boys, again go to a solicitor and draft a nikkah contract with conditions that consider your needs in this (the wife's family can do this also). You may think it's overkill or I don't want to pay money for this but this will be pennies compared to how much you will give if you don't protect yourself. Also don't listen to those who will say stuff to pressure you to not do this, bun them, you are entering a contract that will bind you, so cover your backside.

6) The relationship - There's no manual for this unfortunately, you just got to experience it and every relationship is different but, there are patterns. Communication is key, understand her perspective, when you are inclined to respond, like you just want to say something, just be patient. Listen, understand, process and think are my words considering her (ofcourse we are assuming she will do the same but remember you are the man, you are the leader, so lead by example and she will follow hopefully insha'Allah - we are talking about most women, which are normal). Communicate your feelings to her and help her understand you as well. I recommend hugs, lots of hugs also 😄.

7) You - Remember that you are still you, so keep your identity post marriage. Yes consider her and give her your time but also don't stop going gym, hanging with the boys, extra work, family time etc. Make your position clear that these will still go on but also consider that she is under your care, so balance this. Especially regarding islam, from my experience, the family lied about the girl's relationship with Allah swt where she didn't pray or even believe Allah swt was real. I basically dedicated my time making her the centre of my day, upskilling her in islam, in relationship building, in dates and basically I had given up my hobbies and even my islam weakened to the point I was struggling to keep up with the prayers. Remember the purpose of life which is to submit to Allah swt, keep these main targets in your scope at all times.

8) Your family and your wife - Women are really good at labelling and one thing I always remember was the phrase Mommy's boy. I used to laugh at that because I had a healthy relationship with my family where I was able to communicate disagreements and my parents would converse with me as if I was there level (just to preface, your parents are like superheroes, the amount of effort they put into caring for you, alhamdu lillah for them). Also I would make a joke to the potentials like nah I am not just a mommy's boy, I am a daddy's boy also. Remember that both are important and when disagreements do occur, be fair and just. This means sometimes your fam will be in the wrong but also sometimes your wife will be in the wrong. Comments will be thrown from both sides and you are going to feel like avatar Wan in the middle stopping the spirits and the humans from fighting each other but be strong and just/fair.

9) The true you - The women may not like this one but be careful what you tell your wife initially. Remember, even though this is your wife, you barely know her. No need to be an open book and tell her all your deepest darkest secrets. Take it slow, let the relationship build, don't do things where you overexpose/overextend yourself and don't act like something you aren't, e.g. she wants gifts, they are nice but you don't have a lot of money so only buy gifts sparingly and within what you can afford, or she wants to go on a trip but you don't normally go as often but you feel pressured because she wants to so communicate to her your lifestyle and find a compromise that suits both of you. I say this because this will cause resentment long term so do things you are comfortable with. I hope you can understand the secrets topic I mentioned above because like I said, if this relationship turns sour, she is going to want to harm you and guess where the first place she is going to go, so yeah, use your brain before speaking.

I think that is it in general, if you have any questions or need support, dm me or leave a comment and I will respond. I will give a quick summary of my current situation below:

I had never known how much emotionally this would have impacted me. I am not an emotional person and I was crying, I was acting illogically at times and it was such a journey alhamdu lillah, it was even affecting my day job, that's how much of a toll it had on me. It took alot of support from my surrounding family to get to where I am now, which is that yes the divorce was sad but ultimately the girl was destructive and I boiled it down to me being in a relationship where I was lowering my self respect for her and she would want more. You got to remember guys that, especially with current days how the media portrays men as useless/falling behind, but honestly, you all are awesome. You just need to look at yourself in the mirror and actively work on self improvement. Your rise will bring more opportunities so strive for growth Insha'Allah. Overall, I recommend the following pieces of advice:

1) Don't ever lower yourself for anyone, they would walk all over you. There was a period where she came for reconciliation. I wanted to make it work so bad, I conceded on all my stances and she still wanted more, you are valuable so let yourself know that and portray that outwardly.

2) If things are going south, keep a timeline. It will protect you in the long run.

3) Your family are your biggest supporters, rely on them. They may tell you off and it may come of as them trying to push you away but they love you and want you to be safe. Take it on the chin and open your ears.

I am in such a better place currently, I am looking again and hopeful for the future. Even though this was hard, I am grateful to Allah swt for blessing me with this experience and I feel I am both a more rounded person and better equipped for my life with my future wife.

That's all I have. I make dua that all you brothers succeed in this life and the next and may insha'Allah you find wives that are both the coolness to your eyes and that they bring you peace, Ameen.

Assalamu Alaykum :)

A weird stuff has been happening since the start of ramadan with me. I never urinated while asleep in my adulthood but it happened during the first week of ramadan for the first time and it also happened tonight. Is it normal?

I mean it wasn’t a large amount but also not something that I can ignore. Does it happen to any other brother ase well?

Asalaam alaykum brothers, hope everyone is doing well alhamdulilah. I need advice… I want to be smooth around my private parts and possibly have a slight smooth facial skin. What is recommended to use? Shave gel or shave cream?

Assalamu Alaykum Brothers,

May I first start by saying that I love you all for the sake of Allah (SWT). I am creating this post because I don't want you to go through the same experience as I am currently going through. In Islam, we are taught that everything happens for a reason (Qadr of Allah - he wills and this will is something that is the best for you) and I am grateful to Allah (SWT) for this experience as I know that at the other side of this, I will become stronger, but that doesn't mean that you need to have this happen to you for you to take the benefits from the lesson I am/had learnt.

1) Firstly brothers, never EVER justify a sin even if it is for good intentions. In my experience, I wanted to give her ease but that intention, no matter how pure it was, led to sins that I will have to answer to on the day of judgement. Please brothers, just like Adam (AS) got deceived by satan in paradise, I ponder on our forefather's situation. He just wanted to be with Allah for eternity but did the act that Allah (SWT) said not to do. Don't ever justify a sin, even if Satan comes to you and says "the positives will outweight the negatives". Never come near the sin at all!

2) You will never know the girl you are going to marry 100% but always ask if she has past mental health issues. This was one of the major issues of my marriage that made it extremely difficult to live with (I won't explain it explicitly but her emotions would go from happy to self harm). Brothers, do as deep of a background check as possible, that means not just her and her family, ask around to other people that know her and see what they say.

3) Understand the nikkah contract that you are signing. Brothers, understand that firstly, if you are giving a high dowry, accept that you are 99% likely to not have ownership of that dowry for the foreseeable future, it is hers now. Brother's it hurts, but once you sign that contract, if you are in the UK, she can potentially sue you civilly because it comes under contract law. Secondly, read the contract before signing it so you understand it 100%. If you want to bring a solicitor in to make sure you understand it, then fine but make sure if there's anything in there that you want to ensure occurs in the marriage, place that in the contract. It is binding.

4) The last thing brothers is make sure that you are solid in yourself. What I mean is that in my case, I love martial arts like bjj and I gave it up mostly because it is a time demanding hobby and expensive (she would say that she wanted to save money and spend time with me), and I wanted to spend time with my wife. However, that same thing wasn't reciprocated by her, which caused resentment. Make sure both what you want in the marriage and what makes you happy are in place initially, then you can have conversations with your wife about how to both prioritise the relationship while also doing stuff you love.

Overall brothers, a wife that is on the same wavelength as you makes a man the richest person in the world. I never pictured myself going through a divorce before and during marriage but it was willed for me and I submit myself to Allah (SWT). Honestly, I am not an emotional person but I went through and still am emotionally affected from this. Please learn from me and try your best to find your partner.

Assalamu Alaykum

I just joined this community and realized that every post has the same female speaker. Why? And as men their are many knowledgeable male Muslim scholars we can see knowledge from which may be better for our modesty.