The wife said, "Oh, I'm so hungry for some ice cream, and there isn't any in the house."

Her husband said, "I'll go get some."

"Oh, you're a dear," she said. "Vanilla, with chocolate sauce."

He replied, "Vanilla with chocolate sauce."

She said, "Write it down, dear. You'll forget."

He said, "I won't forget."

She continued, "And some whipped cream on top."

He repeated, "Vanilla, chocolate sauce, whipped cream on top."

"And a cherry."

"And a cherry on top."

"Please write it down," she insisted. "I know you'll forget."

"I won't forget. Vanilla with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and a cherry on top."

Off he went.

By the time he got back, she was already in bed.

He handed her a paper bag.

She opened it.

Inside was a ham sandwich.

She looked at him and said,

"I told you to write it down. You forgot the mustard."

The doctor answered, "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

While on the operating table she had a near death experience..

Seeing God she asked : "Is my time up ?"

God said :

"No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth !

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded :

"God, you said I had another 33 years to live ? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance ?"

God replied :

"I didn't recognize you!!"

When the elderly couple went in for their annual checkup, the wife stayed in the waiting room while her husband went in to be examined. The doctor, kibitzing with him, said, "Sam, how is your sex life?"

"I'll tell you the truth," replied Sam. "The first time is great. But the second time I start to sweat something terrible."

The doctor said, "Just a second. The second time? At your age? At eighty-five? That's remarkable." He excused himself and went out to the guy's wife in the waiting room and said, "Ma'am, I have to ask you this. I was asking your husband how his sex life is and he said the first time was great, but the second time he starts to sweat something terrible."

"He wouldn't lie to you," responded the old woman, "In January, it's cold. In July, it's hot."

... unfortunately, our story takes place in Moscow - and the car the hapless chap rear-ended was a black limousine owned by the Mob.

So both cars stop at the side of the road and before the man who caused the accident can even think, five big, burly men get out of the car he just damaged. Those would be five intimidating zhuliks, gangsters.

They quickly walk up to his car, surround him, and demand that the man get out. "You are going to get a thorough beating for damaging our car."

The man is frightened senseless - all he can blurt out is "Wait a minute! You are five ... and I am only one. That is not fair!"

The zhuliks look at each other and retreat for a minute to their car to hold council on what the man just said.

When they come back to his car, their leader tells him: "You are right, that is unfair. Mikhail and Vladimir here will fight on your side!"

As the officer swabbed the jars, he noted that it was smart I kept the spices in my carry-on so they didn't have to open and search through a checked bag.

He asked if I had been stopped for this before.

I responded: "I'm a seasoned traveler."

It's in the richest neighborhood. It has the most beautiful stained glass windows. And people from the country club have a big social life there.

Every morning or evening before mass the bell rings. And every night after everyone leaves the fancy iron gates are shut and locked.

Well the woman falls quite in love with the idea of attending that church, even if it is a bit out of her way. One Sunday she goes to attend but is barred at the door. She's told she has to present her membership card.

When she asks how to get one she's told that not only must she pay for the country club membership, HOA fees in their neighborhood, but she also has to prove she does a lot of charitable work. After that the leaders of the church will examine her case and decide if she's a good fit for their church.

The woman is a bit crushed and discouraged...but...ultimately decides its worth it because it's such a beautiful building to attend church in. So she does it. She sets aside money from her paychecks to pay the fees, and starts volunteering at soup kitchens and donating to charities for good causes.

When she thinks she's surely done enough she goes back. But her membership is denied again. She's not doing and giving as much as everyone else there.

That night she takes it tearfully to prayer. Begging God for the wisdom of what else can she do to get in there.

The response comes back:

"I died for them and I've been trying to get in for years."

"I'm a premature ejaculation," the guy says.

Puzzled, the host says, "I don't understand your costume."

And the guy says, "Well, I just came in my pants."

The devil dog walks up to the bartender and says “Bartender. How goes it? I’ll have 3 shots of jack, 3 shots of henny, 3 shots of bourb, 3 shots of your best rum, and 3 Harps.” The bartender’s eyebrows raises and his eyes widen in shock, and he goes “Look here fellas, now I know y’all’s just grantin’ to have a good night, but I’m telling you now, I don’t want no trouble or rubberneckin’ in my bar once you crayons polish these dranks off.” The Marine looks bewildered at the bartender. Confused; genuinely confounded, and stares for a second before it clicks “Oh, these guys? No worries Bartender, they don’t drink.”

That’s just the punchline. The real joke is believing a Marine could afford 12 shots, or count up to three.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef...

But then it grew on me

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted,
"Wait! I'm a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned and said:
"And you will dialogue." 🤭

Their crews were marooned.

Thankfully he didn’t suffer long. He was only married for like 3 days. . .

… but then I changed my mind.

….he was telling his brother to get rid of some photos

Guy Fawkes Night

Customer: Is it extra virgin?

Me: (tearing up) No it’s the same price

I didn’t want to lead her on