The doctor answered, "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

While on the operating table she had a near death experience..

Seeing God she asked : "Is my time up ?"

God said :

"No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth !

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded :

"God, you said I had another 33 years to live ? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance ?"

God replied :

"I didn't recognize you!!"

"I'm a premature ejaculation," the guy says.

Puzzled, the host says, "I don't understand your costume."

And the guy says, "Well, I just came in my pants."

... unfortunately, our story takes place in Moscow - and the car the hapless chap rear-ended was a black limousine owned by the Mob.

So both cars stop at the side of the road and before the man who caused the accident can even think, five big, burly men get out of the car he just damaged. Those would be five intimidating zhuliks, gangsters.

They quickly walk up to his car, surround him, and demand that the man get out. "You are going to get a thorough beating for damaging our car."

The man is frightened senseless - all he can blurt out is "Wait a minute! You are five ... and I am only one. That is not fair!"

The zhuliks look at each other and retreat for a minute to their car to hold council on what the man just said.

When they come back to his car, their leader tells him: "You are right, that is unfair. Mikhail and Vladimir here will fight on your side!"

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef...

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted,
"Wait! I'm a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned and said:
"And you will dialogue." 🤭

Thankfully he didn’t suffer long. He was only married for like 3 days. . .

Guy Fawkes Night

….he was telling his brother to get rid of some photos

But then it grew on me

… but then I changed my mind.

Customer: Is it extra virgin?

Me: (tearing up) No it’s the same price

At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting lettuce leaf!

I didn’t want to lead her on

So I wove my bacon strips together to make a bacon-lattice and tomato sandwich.

...I came across someone who had popped up from behind a gravestone.

I said, "Morning"

They replied, "no just taking a shit"

Their crews were marooned.

Lettuce Pray

A nut and bolt

When suddenly they both come across a Genie. The Genie says 'since both of you found me at the same time I will grant you both three wishes'.

The bear thinks for a moment then says 'I wish for every bear in the woods to be female, except for me'. Done says the Genie.

The rabbit makes his first wish, 'I wish for a Scooter!' Done, said the Genie.

The bear not quite satisfied, makes his second wish, 'I wish for all the bears in the whole country to be female, except me'. Okay, done said the Genie.

The rabbit now makes his second wish, 'I wish for a little Helmet!' - Right okay, said the Genie, Done.

The bear now feeling greedy makes his third wish, 'I wish for all the bears in the whole world to be female, except for me'. And done, said the Genie.

The rabbit smiles, jumps on his new Scooter and yells as he leaves... 'I wish the bear was gay!'