if anything goes bad it's grounds for divorce

with 'A', 'E', and 'O', because it just seems more sensible to put all the vowels together, y'know?

I didn’t want to lead her on

Lettuce Pray

A woman goes to the doctor because she has a hugely inflamed boil on her taint; just a massive, oozing, pus-filled sore. The doctor takes a look and confirms that it's a boil, but the thing is so incredibly painful and sensitive that he can't so much as touch it, let along try to fix it. The woman is despondent: "You're saying you can't help me? It hurts so much!"

"Actually, you may be in luck," says the doctor. "It just so happens that a world-renowned specialist happens to be visiting the clinic today. If anyone in the world can help you, it's him. Would it be okay if I brought him in to consult?"

"Yes – yes, anything to get rid of this thing!"

So the doc leaves and comes back a short while later with a man that looks like a half-melted orc: his skin is somehow both grey and yellow and his eyes don't seem to be on the same horizontal plane. When he smiles and goes to shake her hand, the woman is distressed to see that no two of his teeth are shaped the same way or going in the same direction, and his hand feels like a wet leather glove filled with chicken bones and axle grease.

The doctor says, "Ma'am, this is Gus, the Pus-Sucker; the unique shape of his teeth allows him to delicately remove growths and pustules like your boil. Gus, this is Mrs. Patterson, she has a rather painful boil between her vulva and anus; do you think you could lend a hand? Or tooth, I should say – ha ha."

"Of course. My dear lady," he says with a voice that sounds like a frog being stepped on, "Please hike up your skirt so we can have a look."

"You don't want me in the stirrups?"

"Probably not. I find that remaining vertical allows better access and less discomfort for the patient."

"Okay, but please be gentle; it's very tender."

"Of course, of course."

So she hikes up her skirt and Gus drops to his knees. He cranes his head around to get a better look. "Yes… yes, I see it. Quite painful looking. It also appears rather soiled. Have you not been wiping?"

The woman blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "It's too painful. I wasn't expecting anyone to put their face this close."

"Quite understandable; I was merely making an observation. I will begin by removing the encrusted skin from the surface. My right front incisor has never let me down!" Sure enough, he maneuvers his entire head in the gap (which was narrow) between her thighs (which were large) and begins scraping – ever so delicately – with his tooth. But the position the woman had gotten herself in to allow access was quite contorted and she soon felt a pressure building up in her belly. She tried holding it in, but a long steady fart escaped her asshole with a whistling sound and blasted directly into Gus's eyes. The smell of digested polish sausage filled the examination room.

Gus blinked his eyes and shook his head. "The skin has been removed," he croaked. "Now I must remove the next layer, which is greenish pus. It's quite congealed and dried up; I believe my left lower canine will fit the bill."

With that, he bent back to his task, twisting around a slightly different way, in order for the correct tooth to be brought to bear. As he knelt there, scraping ever so gently and carefully, Mrs. Patterson felt pressure building up in her belly again. There was nothing for it and he didn't seem to mind last time, so she let out another fart: a series of short sturdy blasts with a timbre reminiscent of a lone bugler playing reveille. Each note alternated which nostril of Gus's they went in. He sneezed into his hands several times and wiped them on his trousers.

Gus wiped his nose on his sleeve. "The hardened pus has been removed. We are now on the last stretch and must remove the yellowish pus, which is still mostly liquid, albeit with a few chunks of semi-hardened discharge. This looks like a job for my second lower left pre-molar!"

With that, he bent back to his work, but the position now was extremely difficult for Mrs. Patterson to maintain comfortably. She kept herself composed for as long as she could, but to no avail. Without warning, she let loose with an incredible series of irregular blasts: long, short, high-pitched, low-pitched. They were all aimed directly at Gus's open mouth and he had no choice but to gulp repeatedly to avoid being asphyxiated, but there was no avoiding the spatter that assailed the inside of his mouth.

Coughing and spluttering, he wiped the detritus from his face and swallowed hard. "Lady," he said, "It's people like you that make me miss accounting."

I asked him if he knew the square root of 81, and he said nein.

I have been laughing sins morning.

One love.

IMO a humorous premise but more an observation than a joke. Might be funny from a never ending game angle. Also I don't know about you guys but when my brain hears never ending Lambchop starts playing... so something like the game that never ends, it goes on and on my friends. Idk it's minable I think.

Thankfully he didn’t suffer long. He was only married for like 3 days. . .

My favorite part is when my fiancée's therapist thinks I'm right.

Guy Fawkes Night

It will co-star Nashville's internet girl Hailey Welch. The working title is Hawk 2ah.

Their crews were marooned.

I just didn't care for it.

The devil dog walks up to the bartender and says “Bartender. How goes it? I’ll have 3 shots of jack, 3 shots of henny, 3 shots of bourb, 3 shots of your best rum, and 3 Harps.” The bartender’s eyebrows raises and his eyes widen in shock, and he goes “Look here fellas, now I know y’all’s just grantin’ to have a good night, but I’m telling you now, I don’t want no trouble or rubberneckin’ in my bar once you crayons polish these dranks off.” The Marine looks bewildered at the bartender. Confused; genuinely confounded, and stares for a second before it clicks “Oh, these guys? No worries Bartender, they don’t drink.”

That’s just the punchline. The real joke is believing a Marine could afford 12 shots, or count up to three.

A "Staff" member.

Frustrated, he decided to see what others were doing. He saw a musician across the street who played songs and put his hat forward for people to put money in. Intrigued, the magician decided to do that too. During his next performance, he put his hat in front and started doing his magic. When he finished, he went to check his hat... and it was full of rabbits.

ᴿᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉ

A hunter doesn't hide his trophy.

But then it grew on me

A clocksucker!

I made (i think) a new joke

What do you call a polish germaphobe? A germanphobe.

Kill me

Later.