Looking at comment section of most recent posts on this sub it’s all ‘it’s different when the kids is yours’ and ‘it’s so much better than I thought’ and rarely other opinions. Anyone else notice the change?

I’m a woman in my late 20s and have been married to my best friend for a little over two years. We have a wonderful relationship and are currently on the fence about whether we want children or not.
I’ve always assumed I’d become a mother someday because that’s just what I grew up expecting. But now that I’m older and married, I’ve realized having children is a choice, not an obligation, and I’m genuinely unsure what I want.
I’d love to hear from women in their 40s or 50s who chose not to have children (whether by choice or circumstance). What does your life look like today? Are you happy with your decision? Do you ever feel regret or loneliness? If you could go back, would you choose differently?
I’m not looking for anyone to convince me one way or another. I just want honest perspectives from women who have lived a life I’m trying to imagine.
Thank you for sharing your experiences.

I had to baby sit my neighbours toddler for a few days since they were sick. We went to the farm together, and I planned some activities for the toddler.

I honestly felt so drained and exhausted the whole time. Like I was so mentally drained. I obviously love this kid and would die for them, lol! But man, it was tiring.

I sort of felt like I was floating through the exhaustion of picking the toddler up, singing to them, trying to get them to stop crying, figuring out what snacks to give them, keeping them safe while they are actively trying to hurt themselves by climbing things.

It felt like there wasn't even a moment to process anything. I didn't get how people willingly choose this, especially if they don't have extra support, which is a huge privilege to have.

And I didnt even have them the whole day. I gave the kid back during the evenings, lol.

My whole life I’ve been scared of pregnancy from a body horror perspective, even when I was young the thought freaked me out. Even being around many family members going through it, it still scared me.

I love children and get along well with them, but never thought I would birth one of my own due to this fear. I also am a chronically anxious person, so the thought of regretting a child terrifies me (even if I don’t think this would happen). My brain focuses on bad stories and the worse case scenario.

Now that I am older with a supportive partner who wants children, I am reconsidering. However I still feel like I only see horror stories of pregnancy and people struggling with their kids. I’m a realist, I know this is possible. But can people please share their realistic but positive stories of childbirth/having children? I find it hard to find those sometimes

Hello all

Im a 32 year old male and Ive been married for just over a year. My wife and I have an amazing relationship that we build brick by brick through alot of hardships in our 4 year relationship

One thing that we cant seem to find any clarity on is having kids. She went from a fence sitter to 100% wanting them and Im still not there yet.

I want to want them and I know I would be a present and loving father and she would be an amazing mother. But thinking about actually going ahead and doing it TERRIFIES me. Like I get viscerally scared. Theres a lot of reasons that cloud my mind that come up

• Im a late bloomer as far as career. I spent most my childhood and 20s weighed down by mental ilness OCD, Anxiety, ADHD you name it. I only recently feel somewhat confident in myself but I still feel like I haven't done enough in life. I worry having kids now will shut down my development. I should have experienced so much more in my 20s but didnt .
• Financial stability worries me. As of now the two of us arent rich but not poor either. we have some savings and investments and decent household income. I just only recently found a job i feel somewhat stable in but I still fear that I will end up unemployed again while having kids and being financially ruined. I have this belief and need to know Im successful career wise in order for this to feel less worrying
• I grew up in a household where my dad was not emotionally present at all. As a result, the traditional nuclear family household does not give me a warm fuzzy feeling at all.
• worries about the state of the world. Climate, AI, economy. I can deal with it and survive as an individual, but having a mouth to feed and a child to love and protect with all of those mindfields scares me
• My wife and I both have mental health issues. Im likely autistic, ADHD, Anxiety, OCD and she has similar issues. We worry about our genes and having a child thats profoundly disabled. I dont know if we could handle that
• Parents I know don't make it seem very fun. I have relatives that seem perpetually stressed and complaining about lack of sleep and lack of finances. I havent had a lot of great images of parenting. While they love their kids it just seems that their lives seem full of stress, with not much time and energy for anything else

Theres probably more, but those are the thoughts that come up. How do I overcome these? I dont want to rob my wife of something she really wants and part of me really wants it to. Its just hard to overcome the fears.

To give some context, we are both 23, been dating for about 2.5 years, and I am very heavily leaning towards being childfree while he is leaning towards having one kid. Two weeks ago, we came to a breaking point in our relationship where we decided that it would be better to separate due to our differences regarding this topic among other relationship issues. At this point, he was completely on the fence and didn’t know if he wanted to have kids. For all his life, he thought that he did since he has extremely traditional parents who have been begging him for a grandchild all his life. We were both extremely heartbroken and sad. He ended up reaching out to me 3 days later telling me how much he missed me and that he still wanted us to be together. He said that he still needed time to figure out his opinion on this topic but he just needed me to keep the option open. I agreed since I also missed him a lot and also wanted us to work out.

This Monday, he told me that he did went a child in the future and I felt extremely heartbroken. I said some stupid things in the heat of the moment and I also solidified my own stance of not wanting kids. We had a long talk and decided that we should take some time away from each other to grow as individuals. He told me that this wasn’t a goodbye but a see you later and that if things align, we can always try again in the future. We both told the other person that it would be very hard to move on and that we both still have a soft spot for the other person in our heart. He walked me home and after my shower, he messaged me that he’s already having a hard time. We ended up FaceTiming and he told me that he still really wants to be with me but we should take some time apart. I agreed with him and we ended up coming to the conclusion that we would take a week apart at a time and have a weekly meal on Friday to just catch up. During the week, we would set small goals to try and grow as individuals.

Today, the topic of kids came back up again. We both know deep down that we would probably have to break up due to our differences on this topic. However, both of us are still very hesitant. He’s my first boyfriend and we’ve shared so many intimate moments together. He’s the first person that I imagined spending my life with and he told me that he also thinks of me in the same way. I cannot imagine him moving on and being with someone else — it brings me so much pain. He also told me that he cannot imagine himself with anyone but me. He sent me home and I cried a lot. He texted me earlier that he really wants us to work and I agreed. He made his stance very clear: he’s still on the fence and his stance can change but it won’t come from me convincing him. In response, I also stated my stance very clearly: I’m very heavily leaning towards childfree but the only reason why I won’t say I’m 100% off the fence is because I know people do change their minds about these things, especially once they get closer to the age where they might decide to have kids. We both don’t know what to do so I’m here on Reddit to ask for everyone’s opinion. Is there any way that we can work things out?

Do I have this conversation with her? Her fiancé, who keeps pushing this? Both? Neither? I seriously think if they were to have a child in the next 2 years, it would be somewhat neglectful/unethical.

My best friend is a great person and would be a wonderful mom, but she is not a caretaker, advocate, or responsible person.

Caretaking: She has a cat right now and its basic needs are met at their bare minimum. The litter box is never clean and there is litter everywhere in her house. Instead of a carpet, she has blankets in the room she keeps the box in. When I visit, the house is filthy. I wish there was a better, nicer, way to say it but there is not. This is my experience after she told me she cleaned. My other friend developed a skin infection on her face after we slept on her couch one night (my friend, the subject of the matter, doesnt know this). That same night, I woke up from terrible allergies (I have my own cat so I am not sensitive to them). I realized she had dirty car mats beside the couch. There is never food in her house and everything in the fridge is expired. They do not cook. There is never anything nutrient-dense available.

Advocate: This speaks for itself. It is a personality trait that people have, but it does get to a point where she is afraid to simply ask someone for clarification and will roundabout her way to get nowhere and give up altogether. It kind of aligns with her laziness. Maybe this would change for her own child, but I'm not sure. IMO, children need this figure in their life.

Responsible: They have no savings, no health insurance, debts everywhere and both make under $30/hr. I actually hate that I know this information, and would rather not, but she consistently speaks about it, unprompted. This is not about being against poor people having children, but there is an element of being ready for emergencies and providing for them before yourself. They are getting married, but each family is paying for the entire thing - I dont think the couple is paying for anything at all. But this element is where I wonder if saying anything would be a step too far?

Her parents have always coddled her. Her and her fiance are basically waiting for his grandma to die so they can inherit the house. If they have a child, its likely they will be financially fine- maybe even hire a cleaning lady and a chef with their parents' help.

I dont know. As someone sitting on the fence myself, due to the ethics of bringing an innocent child into this current global political environment and climate crisis, it doesnt seem... right? Fair to the child? Her fiance wants a child asap mainly because his parents had him young and he feels that having a child over 32 would be too old. Meanwhile, they enable each other's bad habits. The environment it would be living in, itself, is alarming. Maybe this is a rant and not fitting for this thread. I havent said anything directly to her about how she lives or her choices because its not my life. So maybe I shouldn't say anything at all?

I have been fence sitting for a while. This position was mostly prompted by my eating disorder recovery. When I started recovery, I realized that I may have fucked my body so much from years of not treating my body well (under eating/over exercising) and in turn may decrease my chances of having a child. When faced with this realization I was surprised I didn’t feel much, no disappointment or fear. I started questioning if I ever wanted children or if it was just society/expectations that lead me to say things like “when I have kids” for most of my adult life before ED recovery around 27 years old. I am now 33 and my husband and I have (mostly) crossed over to the “let’s have kids” side of the fence after a lot of meaningful conversations. A lot of my worries/reasons to not have kids have subsided but there is the lingering ED voice SCREAMING in my head. This new switch to the side of possibly planning for a child has left me with extremely loud eating disorder thoughts.

When my husband and I started having conversations about the possibility of children, I immediately found a great therapist who I am able to talk to about my ED thoughts and body dysmorphia. I had been out of therapy for a few months with very few ED thoughts/behaviors - was very in control of all of it. Needless to say, this shift is upsetting. I have worked so hard to heal and I don’t want having a child to completely ruin all the progress I have made.

Hoping someone with a similar experience/history of ED/BD that decided to have a child could weigh in on your experience.

for the hundreds of things to consider when having a child, one that has consistently hung me up is the changes to my body. i know it is quite vain- but i am so scared to not only look different, but feel different. it seems some moms i see lose weight easily after birth, and some are very fit and active etc. i am currently quite fit and active and hate to think about being unable to do the things i enjoy. i know bodies change permanently after giving birth, but is it possible to still look and feel 90% as good as you did pre-pregnancy?

i am looking for stories or experiences from moms who were able to continue to do the things they loved and somewhat return to a pre-pregnancy weight. what was it like? how long did it take? thank you for your time, i really appreciate any responses.

Obviously I'm asking those who hopped off the fence, decided to have a child, and actually managed to have one. I have many fears about having a child at home to care for, which is why I'm asking for people's experience.

I heard from many moms (and dads too) thay you never stop worrying about your kids. Is that true? Like I don't wanna have kids and be in a constant state of worry for the rest kf my life.

I understand worrying about them as babies, school aged children and teens, or if your adilt child has disabilities . But other than that, the worrying has got to stop at some point right? Like what if your kid is 35 years old and doing well in life (is financially well off, healthy, has hobbies, married with kids of their own, has their own plave to live), will I really be worrying about my 35 year old grown ass adult kid? Or will I be 80 years old and STILL worrying about my kids instead of enjoying my retirement? Like constant angst and worry and stress isn't good for you

wife (29) and I (29) have two 2 and under nephews who we adore. i’ve always loved kids as an older sibling of 3 sisters, my wife has more recently fallen in love with caring for little kids since our nephews were born. we watch them every week and while it’s exhausting we love it. bc we are CF we have so much time and energy to play with them, make them gifts, build them things etc. really struggling with the idea of whether we should focus on just putting all our potential parenting energy and attention into them, or possibly having one of our own. to the aunts and uncles out there, how did you decide if you should be parents yourselves?

I’ve (f27) always considered myself childfree, when I was child I’d always say I never wanted kids, when I feel like it wasn’t as popular.

Lately, my grandfather passed away & my mum didn absolutely everything for him. He had 3 daughters & 2 did jackshit, only the 2nd one stepped up in the last few weeks.
But it got my thinking how I hope when I’m that age someone can look after me like that. My sister has always wanted a family, she went into teaching for it but the dating world is so tragic it just hasn’t happened and I also haven’t met anyone so we’re both single. We both also moved a state away from our parents so at times it can feel isolating.
Seeing our extended family was a shitshow, my auntie who didn’t help out at all complained the day after my grandfather died, in front of everyone about the cost of fuel, bc it’s about 1.5-2 hours drive. A drive my parents have made almost daily for weeks. And they are retired. She brought up their income and tried to move the date for laying my grandfather to rest just to suit herself.
Anyway, all my cousins have their own families now or are married. I’m feeling a bit lost in my decision, I mean, what if I do end up alone & on my heath bed with no one to help me. The guy next door from my grandfather was alone, he was coughing terribly making sounds that sounded like he was in pain and uncomfortable. While my grandfather was able to leave this earth peacefully thanks to my mum.

So, I know ppl say you can’t have kids just to have someone help you when you die, bc my family is a good example of that. 3 daughters only 1 genuinely cared for over 3 yrs to make the end comfortable. The others 1 did minimum & one did nothing but complain.

But what does everyone make of this ? I always thought well I can just pay ppl. Put myself in a nursing home but my mum had to tell the nurses to not take blood or no physio up until the day before he died.
Does anyone whose cf have plans themselves?

I’m not sure whether this has just shaken me up since the hospital visits and seeing my aunties act like that & knowing everything my mum did or if maybe I’m on the fence? But then I think in my regular life I was so certain on my decision, even when I was a kid I was adamant. I think death always has a way of shaking you up anyway.

I’m finally ready to admit to myself that I’m only here because I’m trying to be someone who I am not for someone else.

For the past 4 years I’ve tried to convince myself that I can get over my fears. That it’s just fears holding me back to begin with. I tried to convince myself that becoming a parent is totally something I could want if only the conditions were right.

I am tired. It’s just not who I am. I never wanted to be a mother and I still don’t. No amount of telling me about easy pregnancies, a smooth birth and “it was so worth it” is going to change that. My sister-in-law just announced her pregnancy and the fact that there’ll be a baby so close in my life very soon (my in-laws are moving 500km in order to live next to us on the same street so they can have a support network) is already filling me with dread. It’s such a visceral feeling, it’s making my stomach turn.

I lost half of my life to mental illness and I’m simply not willing to sacrifice more of it to another person, not a single year, not 9 months, nothing.

So from now on I will stop making myself want this. My husband is amazing and I wish I could give him what he wants, but I can’t. He’s always known this, I was always blunt about it, and I’ve tried for years to change this part of me, but it stops now.

My wife and I have been together for 11 years, 4 of which we've been married. 11 years later, we are still so in love with each other. However, I am afraid our paths are diverging... She has been ready to have kids for 5 years, whereas I am very ambivalent about it. This is something that, for me, has changed over the past years, where I have become even more ambivalent. Yes, I could see a kid, but I can also damn sure see a fulfilling life without them.

She wants them now, while I am struggling with mental health issues (I need to ''find myself'' again because somewhere along the road I have lost myself and what I want in life, etc.). This does not mean I am a deadbeat, but I am just figuring out things such as 'what makes me happy?', 'what do I want in life?', etc.

For me, there are multiple reasons not to want kids (right now):

• Look at where the world is headed... I genuinely have so much anxiety toward climate change and everything else that it can be crippling sometimes (I am working on this with coaching and psychology, but I feel like it's a loooong process)
• You have to give up parts of yourself and live in the service of others, where I am not sure if that's something that I want
• I am dealing with so many other things (mentally) right now that it feels impossible for me to make this decision. I want to find myself and make a decision from a mentally stable place where I can actually decide with a clear vision.

My question: are there people on this Reddit who have had similar situations in the past and decided to have kids because they love the other person so much? I am just at the end of my f-in wits...

I don’t want to have kids. But I am worried about the regret and loneliness that might come when I am older. I don’t know the reason why I don’t want kids, maybe its because I didn’t have a loving childhood?

So my question is, how did you make sure you made/are making the right decision? I am in my 30s and realize this is a choice I need to make soon.

Hardcore fence sitter here 35F. Struggling with wanting everything out of life. I have worked my tail off for the last 6 years climbing the corporate ladder with my job, and I am currently at a place to take over for the head of my department when he retires. I love my job, even in tech and the demands. I want this, but I also want to have a baby. I want to travel, and hike, have wine in Italy, play video games after work, stay up late reading.

Is this possible with a child? I am not naive and know that it probably looks different then what I am envisioning. My main "concern" is my career. I don't work late - maybe once in a while, I do have hard boundaries with my job to maintain a work life balance. But I want to go back - and I will go back. I am the breadwinner with a job that does not lay off employees.

Looking for career oriented women who did decide to jump off the fence and have kids. What ultimately did you do? Also love any other parent weigh in to help me not romanticize parenting into something it's not.

Edit to add: I know this sounds like I just want to have a kid and do my own thing and a baby will just exist. that’s not it. It’s mainly around my identity and my hobbies and how that may change. I do love the thought of rocking a baby to sleep in the middle of the night, pushing them in a stroller while I run, taking them to Disney, first words, diaper blow outs, etc etc. I know posts like these can sound like it’s one thing, so I just wanted to be clear before any unnecessary comments come my way lol.

Hi everyone! I'm 29f and I'm at a point in my life where I'm really starting to think about what I want the next chapter to look like.

I've spent a lot of time reading older posts from former fence-sitters, especially those who ultimately decided to have children. One thing I've noticed is that the people who chose parenthood genuinely seem to love their kids and don't regret that decision. Most of the challenges they talk about seem to center around either (1) pregnancy, childbirth, and the physical/mental effects afterward, or (2) the baby stage itself.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting on what I want, what I feel capable of, and what's realistic for me and my husband. Right now, I don't feel that pregnancy is the best choice for me or my body. We've talked about the possibility of adoption if we decide we want to become parents instead.

Adoption feels like a topic that isn't discussed nearly as openly as pregnancy or biological parenthood, so I don't come across many firsthand experiences. I'd really love to hear from women who have been in a similar position.

Have any of you known that pregnancy wasn't the right path for you but still wanted to become a parent? Did you pursue adoption? If so, what was your experience like? What surprised you, and is there anything you wish you had known before starting the process?

I'd also love to hear from anyone who seriously considered adoption but ultimately made a different choice and why.

Thank you in advance for sharing your experiences. I know this can be a deeply personal topic, and I really appreciate any perspective you're willing to offer.

I was very pro becoming a parent all my life and it was something i desperately wanted. However, at 34, I experienced a big break up which started making me question things, however I still thought i'd have kids eventually. I've had flickerings of wanting kids over the past few years, but I recently dated someone totally CF, and (although we've now broken up), I'm now having seriously strong CF feelings and allowing myself to imagine what that would be like, and suddenly I'm struggling to get the desire back to have children. Has anyone else experienced this? I guess i don't really know what to believe!

I've never been one of those "I've wanted a baby since I was a little girl" women. In fact, since I was 7 years old I've proudly been childfree, witnessing my own mother go through pregnancy with my baby brother and seeing how it destroyed her life and body up close (and she was also very vocal about this with me). I've always focused most of my energy on my hobbies and career. Now I'm at an age (34) where it feels like "crunch time". If I don't make a decision soon officially, I might miss the window where having kids is a possibility for me, if that's what I want. Shit's getting real now, and I've found myself aggressively on the fence as opposed to enthusiastic about being childfree or having kids. It feels like hell. It keeps me up at night and has genuinely started to become somewhat of an obsession for me and even a distraction at work. To make matters worse, my partner, who was once okay with being childfree has started to seriously want kids, and has insinuated that he would have to end things with me if I also didn't want them, which is just hell and puts a crazy amount of pressure on me. I'm sick with worry all the time.

My main concern is, I don't really know if I'll like the day to day "meat and potatoes" part of parenting, regardless of how much I love my kids. The tantrums, the lack of sleep, the lack of freedom, giving up my hobbies and my life. It all sounds like the shit end of the stick.

I'm wanting to hear from other women like me. Did anyone here go into parenting thinking they'd absolutely hate it and end up loving it?