r/Fencesitter 1d ago

Updated Moderation Rules

83 Upvotes

Hello Everyone.

It's been a few years since my co-mod and I took over moderating this sub and we thought it was time for a bit of a rules refresh.

FYI, we are both still active in this sub although we don't post under our moderator screen names. And yes, one of us is CF and one of us is a parent. That was the original intention in an attempt to maintain balance. We've considered adding a fencesitter moderator but that's difficult since fencesitters eventually become CF or parents. We're still figuring that one out.

Ok, on to the rules:

First of all, some guiding ideas this sub is founded which we think are important for everyone to understand.

  • Principle 1 - It's meant to help fencesitters. We are a place for people who are struggling with this decision. Yes, we welcome comments from childfree and parents as well, but ultimately this is a place for fencesitters to feel at home and try to figure out what they want to do. This is not a debate sub for CF and parents to argue over which is best.
  • Principle 2 - There are no right answers. We don't believe that parenting is always better than childfree, we don't believe 2 kids are better than 1, we don't believe adopting is better than bio kids, we don't believe childfree is better than step parenting. Whatever combo you wish to use, we don't believe one option is inherently better than the other. They are all situational and very subjective. There might be a right answer for you, but there is no answer that is right for everyone.

Keep these two things in mind because they are extremely important to how we moderate this sub.

So why do comments get removed and users get banned?

The easiest answer is that the commentor was being a jerk. Some people just have a hard time being civil to one another and those folks are not welcome here. We literally had one person argue against their ban by saying "oh, I didn't know you guys insisted on people not being assholes". Yah, if you're the kind of person who is an asshole unless it's expressly prohibited, you definitely don't belong here.

Also, if you are being attacked, please don't reply in kind. Just report it and move on.

Ok, so here are some other things we look for that might not be as obvious.

Generalizing - This is a common issue. All CF are lonely, all parents are miserable, procreating is always good, having kids is always selfish. The trend here is one of over generalizing. I'm sure some CF people are lonely and some parents are miserable, but not all. We have plenty of CF posters with friends and happy parents posting here to know this isn't accurate.

Note, this is also why we remove most comments that touch on religion. We don't care if you're Jewish, Christian, Satanist, Pastafarian, Anti-natalist or what not. If you subscribe to a philosophy that says having kids is always good or always bad that's fine for you, it's not fine for this sub. We don't do preaching here.

I really want to emphasize that last bit. We do NOT do preaching here. If you are CF or a parent and you're thinking about making a post about how all fencesitters should do this or that, please don't. We love hearing from you and we enjoy your experience and we love the AMA's that parents and CF folks do. We think those are great for others to learn from your experience. That's very different from preaching right or wrong.

Climate Change / Politics threads - We know that these are themes that weigh heavily on some people and we respect that. We're more than happy to allow threads in which people discuss their feelings on their own choices due to these themes. What we don't allow is for people to use these themes to beat up other readers for their choices. Again, refer to principle 2. If climate change is causing you to reconsider your decision that is absolutely fair. If you're coming here to argue that all parents are awful because of climate change that will be removed.

We will also remove any comments from people arguing back and forth about the reality of climate change. There are other sub for that, this isn't one of them. For the record, both of us believe climate change is real, we just can't take more arguments about the latest report and what it means for sea level changes in Norway vs. peak temperatures in Mongolia and how those will impact rice prices.

Gatekeeping - This encompasses a variety of responses ranging from the "there are no guarantees" and "you must be prepared for all scenarios including the worst ones!" to the "you must be 100% sure!" or "if it's not a hell yes it's a not" variety. In general, these contribute nothing to the discussion. Even worse, they are a comment meant to prey on fencesitters by either parents or CF folks. They're usually said by someone who believes their point of view is objectively right for everyone and who is then trying to trigger doubt in fencesitters.

Allow us to illustrate some examples so you can see why these comments are not welcome here.

"Yah, there are no guarantees, even if you eat healthy and exercise you might get hit by a car". Sure, but eating healthy and exercising is still a good idea because statistically it's clearly better. Also, do you really think you're revealing something big to our fencesitter subscribers by revealing to them that there are no guarantees in life? Do you think they would be on the fence if they thought everything was guaranteed?

"Unless you are willing to be raped, don't date!" "Unless you understand every possible bad outcome of your dental surgery, including the one where your jaw falls off and you die, you're not ready!" See how useless that is? No one is ok with every bad scenario. Heck, my anxious mind can always dream up new and even worse scenarios that I am certain none of you has prepared for.

"You must be 100% sure that you know everything that can happen if you take this job". Really? How do you even know you're 100% sure? How do you know that you've done all your analysis? Is there a way to quantify this? Same for the "hell yah" comment. "Unless you're a clear yes, don't marry this person". What does that mean? Is someone not allowed to have concerns? Yes, I love this person and I want to spend the rest of my life with them but I'm concerned about their in-laws because of blah blah blah and you see where we're going?

Just stop with these comments. They don't help.

Discounting and discrediting - "Oh, what do you know, you're just hormonal", "Oh, what do you know, your kid is only 3 months old", "Oh, what do you know, you have no kids", "Oh, I know this was your experience but there are others with different experiences". Yes, we get it, just stop. They are clearly presenting their personal context and that's great. Are they generalizing too much? If so, we will remove them. Otherwise, stop being the thought police. People are allowed to present their individual view point without you trying to discredit them.

Derogatory - These are the folks who come here with comments like "don't have kids, all parents are tired and miserable" or "don't be CF, all CF people are lonely and joyless". If you're here to argue that your side of the fence is best, don't do it by shit talking the other side. Ideally, try to help instead of argue.

And yes, we will remove these posts even if they come from CF or parents. That is, a negative comment about all parents / parenting made by a parent will be still be removed. Why? Because we have no way of verifying who is a parent and who isn't. Same as we cannot verify who is CF and who isn't.

Oh, and we want to take a moment and discuss gender specific comments. We get it, believe me we get it. A large portion of the work involved with child bearing and rearing falls unfairly on women. That is a fact. Sexism is also a fact, which is why we banned baby trapping comments since they were 99% coming from sexist men. But...

This isn't intended to be a space for women to denigrate all men. No, we don't need you to finish every comment with #NotAllMen, but we do need to keep the generalizing down. "Oh, men want kids like kids want puppies", "Oh, being a dad is so easy, you just get to play and not do any work", "Oh, men's voices shouldn't matter when it comes to the decision to have or not have kids" are not acceptable here.

Rants - Last but not least, this is not a rant sub. Sorry folks, we're not interested in moderating rants because they inevitably result in arguments from the people you're ranting about.

Ok, that's all. Please feel free to add questions and comments. We fully admit we're not perfect but we're trying our best and are always open to constructive feedback.


r/Fencesitter Oct 29 '24

Reflections Perspective from years of fencesitting

267 Upvotes

Early on in my life I always wanted to have kids, the older I became the more on the fence I was, even with a brief period of time of not wanting kids at all. I have been on and off the fence throughout my 20s and now in my early 30s I still am, though heavily leaning towards having children after all. I wanted to offer support to others in similar situations, I have a couple of years of therapy behind me, trying to figure out what I want, I have spent hundreds of hours talking with various people and their perspective on kids and I have created a list of questions to ask yourself and statements to read that I wish someone would give me 10 years ago.

I want to preface this by saying, no one can answer the question "is having kids right for me" or "should I have kids" or "should I be child free". No one but you. In this post I'm trying to show perspective, talk about fears and POVs that people have on having kids. I really hope this will be of help to someone.

I believe there are multiple POVs and multiple "aspects" of life to consider. Your relationship, ambitions/goals, fears, pregnancy (for women), economical status and more. I will not say things like "you really need to want to have kids to have them" or "you should not have kids if your partner wants them and you don't". I will also not say things like "you will never change your mind" or "you will change your mind".

We do not know the future. The therapists I talked with said that they have seen everything, people swapping their views after multiple years in a relationship; not changing them; forcing themselves to have kids and then ending up loving it.

We do not know the future, we cannot possibly predict if having kids or not is the right for us or if it will make us happy, regardless of our reservations or fears. It is definitely way easier to not have kids if you fear having them or don't want to put in the effort. There are challenges regardless if you are CF or have kids.

Ultimately it is a DECISION, it should not be based purely on emotions, consider your circumstances, the context of your life, relationship, what you know that makes you happy. Regardless of what path you picks there will likely be regrets and consequences, but talk with your partner and make it a responsible decision.

With that being said, consider the following:

Decision (the "wants"):
- No matter how much you want/don't want kids, having/not having them does not guarantee you will be happy.
- No matter how much you don't want kids, having them does not guarantee you will be miserable.
- Having/Not having kids will do to your life what you will allow it to do.
- The decision is yours and your partner, not your parents', not your uncle's, not your best friend's, and definitely not some random people's in the comments on some article or post.
- Having kids does not mean your life will end.
- Not having kids does not mean you will be missing out on something in life.

Relationship:
- How happy are you in your current relationship?
- Is your partner someone you could see having a family with? (broad question, can you imagine them being a good parent)
- How is your communication? How do you navigate difficult situations? Do you fight? Scream? Shut down? Or do you talk and have difficult conversations but work together towards a resolution?
- Do you feel safe with your partner?
- Are there things you are withholding from your partner? Maybe you don't like something about them or they keep annoying you but you ignore that instead of addressing the issue? Are there things like that, that you bury deep within yourself?
- Are your needs met in your relationship?
- How attracted are you to your partner? How is your sex life?
- What is your partner's potential to change/adapt, do they respect you? do you see how much they have grown over the years and how are they handling responsibility?
- Do you feel a connection? A Bond? Or do you not feel heard or understood?
- Do they bring the best in you? Or do they bring you down?
- Do you want to grow with them? How do you feel when thinking about future with them?
- Do you share your cognitive load with them? Are they proactive with chores?
- Do you love and respect your partner? Do they love and respect you?

The choice of your partner has a significant impact on your life, if you have a stable relationship that isn't toxic, one that brings you joy and happiness, and is a safe space - it will likely be so if you decide to have kids and if you decide not to have them. Have a conversation about it.

Goals/Aspirations:
- What are your goals in life? If you don't have goals, what goals or aspirations have you buried deep inside? What were things that you wanted to do, but for whatever reason decided not to. Generally speaking, where would you like to be?
- Are your goals impossible to achieve if you have/don't have kids? Or would they simply require more work in either case?
- Are you more career oriented? Or family oriented?

Having kids or not does not mean your life ends, no newborn asked you to sacrifice your life for them. There are people who train for ultramarathons while having kids, I know people who wrote and released books and grew their careers or started companies while taking care of a newborn and a one year old. People generally tend to manage to have multiple kids and also house pets. Daycares exist, they are costly but maybe something can be done about it, maybe you both can find better jobs, or maybe there are government programs to help finance it.

There is also a matter of life satisfaction and regrets, in general people find meaning in life by leaving an impact on the world. You may become a scientist and help humanity through science, you may become a volunteer at try to help people in need. Quite often people find satisfaction in raising a kid and building a family, as it is "relatively easy" to make a child and seeing it grow. Or maybe you want to become a CEO or create your own company? No matter what has value to you, can you do it with/without having kids? Are you actively working towards a goal or do you have a goal in mind but you never do anything towards it?

I personally find that taking on more responsibility has lead to my personal growth and to more satisfaction in life. However every time I ran away from responsibility it lead to negative emotions. Sometimes having kids is the best motivation for someone to get their life together, it is risky but tends to work when a lot of other things don't.

Fears/Reservations:
There are a lot of fears regarding having and not having kids.
- Fear of pregnancy (for women)
- Fear of not being a priority (for men and women)
- Fear of being abandoned and having to care for the child on your own
- Fear of body changes made by pregnancy
- Fear that you kid will be unhealthy in some way
- Fear of getting your body destroyed by pregnancy
- Fear of responsibility
- Fear that you will not be a good parent
- Fear of destroying someone (newborn)'s life
- Fear of being alone when you are old
- Fear of missing out
- Fear of childbirth
- Fear of wasting your life
- Fear of passing your traumas to your kid
- probably many more

As once again, we do not know the future - we don't know what fears will come true, however - fear as an emotion is trying to alert you of imaginary dangers of certain actions. You fear walking alone in a deep forest because an animal might attack you, you fear going out at night because you might get mugged. Fear is an emotion, it is a feature not a bug, it increased the chances of survival for our ancestors.

Do you want to make your decision based on fear? A lot of them can be worked through with a therapist if you so desire, it is extra work but might help. You probably don't have all the fears I listed, however what can you do to mitigate these that you are aware of?

- If you fear responsibility, do you fear it just in the context of having a kid? or do you feel stuck in life and that kind of fear is holding you down?
- If you fear being old and alone, what friendships or what relationships can you nurture so that you always have someone to talk to?
- If you fear that you will waste your life with either option, why is that? What is it that having/not having kids represents in your mind? What have you been conditioned to believe?
- If you worry if you are going to be a good/bad parent, that is already a sign that you would at least try to be good. If you have some problems like severe drug or alcohol addiction it would be responsible to take care of that before having a child.
- If you worry that you will destroy, a kid's life and maybe even your own -> kids don't need as much as we think they do, we tend to want to give them the world however, a kid mostly needs a parent who is present, who listens. If you have a good relationship with your partner and you are both there for each other, you would likely also be there for your kid, and you would figure it out.
- You do not have to have everything figured out immediately.
- Expanding your knowledge tends to do wonders, we generally fear things we do not understand and have a twisted image of them in our minds.
- For a lot of fears CBT therapy is said to have really positive prognosis, so you can somewhat except that it will reduce your fears and help you adjust your thinking

Having kids is likely a unique experience, one that cannot be replicated with other people's kids, nieces, pets etc. But is it ok to have them out of FOMO? Are you ok without experiencing being a parent in your life? Raising a child does not last a lifetime, you will always be a parent - but your kid will have its own life eventually and you will still have many years ahead of you.

Therapists said to me that at the end of life, a lot of old people regret not having spent more time with people dear to them, with their families. I'm still young but I can imagine that my career is not something I will care about 20 years from now.

Pregnancy:
If you fear pregnancy, you can talk to a doctor about the process, you can get examined and see how healthy you are. Talk to your family and your partner's family, how healthy were you and your siblings when you were born? What effects did pregnancy have on your mother or grandmother. Is there a history of birth defects or autism or any other "diseases" or problems in your family? Can you get examined to see how likely it is that it will happen to you?

If you are pregnant already, you have prenatal examinations available, in some countries they are free after certain age, you can monitor your child's health and see if its growing healthy. However, as we don't know the future even if a kid is born healthy it doesn't mean it won't get hit by a car 5 years later, and so we don't know if you won't. We do not know what life will bring, there are a lot of dangers we do not even consider when living our daily lives.

As for body changes and fear of childbirth:
- do you take care of yourself?
- do you eat healthy?
- do you work out?
- can you afford a private hospital and better conditions for your childbirth?
- what forms of pain killers are available in hospitals in your area?
- have you ever read about c-section and natural birth, about their pros and cons? both for you and a kid

Taking care of yourself physically will make your pregnancy easier, at the very least your back will not hurt. And there seems to be a positive effect of working out certain muscles that seems to make giving birth easier. A close friend of mine started preparing for pregnancy 2 years in advance by working out and taking some supplements to make pregnancy easier. Once again it is more work but maybe its not impossible?

Parenting:
Kids want attention, they want to be listened to, they want you to be there - they don't want a smartphone or a tablet. That does not mean you have to be with them 24/7. In the past the whole village would help raise children together, primarily, it was women's responsibility. However the idea that parents spend all their time with children is relatively new.

- Do you have a natural support group? (parents? grandparents? siblings with/without their kids? friends?)
- Do you have someone to leave the kids with so that you can enjoy a weekend or a vacation in peace?
- Can you afford daycare?
- You can get to know your neighbors, some of them may have kids and yours could occasionally visit them and vice versa.
- Can you afford a nanny?
- Can you leave your kids in someone's care? Would a close friend be able to take care of them for a couple of hours so that you have an evening to yourself?
- Can you send your kids to boarding school?
- Can you communicate with your partner so that one day they take care of kids, next day you do, and the day after you do it together?
- Can you mix your hobbies and taking care of a kid? (if you like jogging, you can buy a jogging stroller; if you ride a bicycle - mount a chair for your kid to sit so you can ride together, do you like to read or sing? - maybe you can sing songs or read books to your children, maybe your local gym has a room for leaving kids, or you can just take them with you, or maybe you can draw with them, do some sports, go kayaking and take your kid with you - maybe they will like it as well, doing cosplay - dress up together with your kid, do some DIYs or anything else that you are passionate about - there is a high chance you can somehow include your child).
- Can you afford to hire help? Like a cleaning person that will clean your home every week or two?
- Are you alright with being the main parent (parent who spends more time with the kid, than the other)?
- Are you alright with not being the main parent?
- Is there any compromise, however absurd, that you can at least talk about with your partner?

There are different options available to get some time off. Some are quite costly but regardless - the very least you can do is to communicate your needs, talk with your partner and your kid, set a boundary. Sometimes you need time to yourself and this is perfectly fine. You do not have to be with your kid 24/7.

Economics:
- Can you afford a child? If not can you do something about it?
- Can you afford - not having a child? It is a stupid argument maybe but some of my friends earn way more money and have better jobs than their parents, and they do support them.
- Do you have enough space no to go crazy? It is hard to raise a kid in a 16 m^2 flat.
- How stable is your job? What are your opportunities?
- Does your job require you to go for long business trips?
- Can you do something to improve your financial situation? (courses, education and finding a better paying job?)

Your lives, your relationships, your contexts are all unique. There isn't a single person who can tell you what is best for you, but consider everything you have, everything that you would have to give up or lose, everything that you could gain, before making a decision.

It is a good idea to educate yourself and talk to medical professionals or people more knowledgeable in these matters. Having a child is a responsible decision, not having a child is also one of them. Ask yourself, do your really not want a child (which is completely fine if you don't), or do you perhaps not want what the child or family represents? What emotions do these things evoke in you? What did you see in life or what did you experience that made you think that you want or don't want a child? Or are you maybe running away from something? Maybe you fear abandonment and think that having a child will guarantee a lifelong relationship with your partner? Or maybe you are trying to run from something that a family represents?

In the end I believe that having a child is a decision, one to take with your partner. It is not something that you have full control over, sometimes people want kids but can't have them for variety of reasons.

I think that regardless of your decision, take responsibility for your life, take good care of yourself. It is a difficult topic that can be looked at from many different angles.

I hope I was able to help.


r/Fencesitter 4h ago

stay just aunt & uncle or become parents ourselves?

15 Upvotes

wife (29) and I (29) have two 2 and under nephews who we adore. i’ve always loved kids as an older sibling of 3 sisters, my wife has more recently fallen in love with caring for little kids since our nephews were born. we watch them every week and while it’s exhausting we love it. bc we are CF we have so much time and energy to play with them, make them gifts, build them things etc. really struggling with the idea of whether we should focus on just putting all our potential parenting energy and attention into them, or possibly having one of our own. to the aunts and uncles out there, how did you decide if you should be parents yourselves?


r/Fencesitter 2h ago

Is it true that you never stop worrying about your kids?

7 Upvotes

I heard from many moms (and dads too) thay you never stop worrying about your kids. Is that true? Like I don't wanna have kids and be in a constant state of worry for the rest kf my life.

I understand worrying about them as babies, school aged children and teens, or if your adilt child has disabilities . But other than that, the worrying has got to stop at some point right? Like what if your kid is 35 years old and doing well in life (is financially well off, healthy, has hobbies, married with kids of their own, has their own plave to live), will I really be worrying about my 35 year old grown ass adult kid? Or will I be 80 years old and STILL worrying about my kids instead of enjoying my retirement? Like constant angst and worry and stress isn't good for you


r/Fencesitter 4h ago

Questions What were your first day, week, month, and year like after giving birth?

9 Upvotes

Obviously I'm asking those who hopped off the fence, decided to have a child, and actually managed to have one. I have many fears about having a child at home to care for, which is why I'm asking for people's experience.


r/Fencesitter 1d ago

I can’t make myself want this anymore

280 Upvotes

I’m finally ready to admit to myself that I’m only here because I’m trying to be someone who I am not for someone else.

For the past 4 years I’ve tried to convince myself that I can get over my fears. That it’s just fears holding me back to begin with. I tried to convince myself that becoming a parent is totally something I could want if only the conditions were right.

I am tired. It’s just not who I am. I never wanted to be a mother and I still don’t. No amount of telling me about easy pregnancies, a smooth birth and “it was so worth it” is going to change that. My sister-in-law just announced her pregnancy and the fact that there’ll be a baby so close in my life very soon (my in-laws are moving 500km in order to live next to us on the same street so they can have a support network) is already filling me with dread. It’s such a visceral feeling, it’s making my stomach turn.

I lost half of my life to mental illness and I’m simply not willing to sacrifice more of it to another person, not a single year, not 9 months, nothing.

So from now on I will stop making myself want this. My husband is amazing and I wish I could give him what he wants, but I can’t. He’s always known this, I was always blunt about it, and I’ve tried for years to change this part of me, but it stops now.


r/Fencesitter 19h ago

Any former fencesitters who decided to be “one and done”?

13 Upvotes

This is the only way I could see myself being a parent. I’m AuDHD with an autoimmune disorder (so that’s informing my decision) but curious to hear from parents of only children! 💛


r/Fencesitter 1d ago

Do it for the person you love?

24 Upvotes

My wife and I have been together for 11 years, 4 of which we've been married. 11 years later, we are still so in love with each other. However, I am afraid our paths are diverging... She has been ready to have kids for 5 years, whereas I am very ambivalent about it. This is something that, for me, has changed over the past years, where I have become even more ambivalent. Yes, I could see a kid, but I can also damn sure see a fulfilling life without them.

She wants them now, while I am struggling with mental health issues (I need to ''find myself'' again because somewhere along the road I have lost myself and what I want in life, etc.). This does not mean I am a deadbeat, but I am just figuring out things such as 'what makes me happy?', 'what do I want in life?', etc.

For me, there are multiple reasons not to want kids (right now):

  • Look at where the world is headed... I genuinely have so much anxiety toward climate change and everything else that it can be crippling sometimes (I am working on this with coaching and psychology, but I feel like it's a loooong process)
  • You have to give up parts of yourself and live in the service of others, where I am not sure if that's something that I want
  • I am dealing with so many other things (mentally) right now that it feels impossible for me to make this decision. I want to find myself and make a decision from a mentally stable place where I can actually decide with a clear vision.

My question: are there people on this Reddit who have had similar situations in the past and decided to have kids because they love the other person so much? I am just at the end of my f-in wits...


r/Fencesitter 1d ago

How did you finally make up your mind?

12 Upvotes

I don’t want to have kids. But I am worried about the regret and loneliness that might come when I am older. I don’t know the reason why I don’t want kids, maybe its because I didn’t have a loving childhood?

So my question is, how did you make sure you made/are making the right decision? I am in my 30s and realize this is a choice I need to make soon.


r/Fencesitter 1d ago

Parenting Am I delusional? I want it all.

20 Upvotes

Hardcore fence sitter here 35F. Struggling with wanting everything out of life. I have worked my tail off for the last 6 years climbing the corporate ladder with my job, and I am currently at a place to take over for the head of my department when he retires. I love my job, even in tech and the demands. I want this, but I also want to have a baby. I want to travel, and hike, have wine in Italy, play video games after work, stay up late reading.

Is this possible with a child? I am not naive and know that it probably looks different then what I am envisioning. My main "concern" is my career. I don't work late - maybe once in a while, I do have hard boundaries with my job to maintain a work life balance. But I want to go back - and I will go back. I am the breadwinner with a job that does not lay off employees.

Looking for career oriented women who did decide to jump off the fence and have kids. What ultimately did you do? Also love any other parent weigh in to help me not romanticize parenting into something it's not.

Edit to add: I know this sounds like I just want to have a kid and do my own thing and a baby will just exist. that’s not it. It’s mainly around my identity and my hobbies and how that may change. I do love the thought of rocking a baby to sleep in the middle of the night, pushing them in a stroller while I run, taking them to Disney, first words, diaper blow outs, etc etc. I know posts like these can sound like it’s one thing, so I just wanted to be clear before any unnecessary comments come my way lol.


r/Fencesitter 1d ago

For those that felt drawn to parenthood but not pregnancy, what did you decide?

51 Upvotes

Hi everyone! I'm 29f and I'm at a point in my life where I'm really starting to think about what I want the next chapter to look like.

I've spent a lot of time reading older posts from former fence-sitters, especially those who ultimately decided to have children. One thing I've noticed is that the people who chose parenthood genuinely seem to love their kids and don't regret that decision. Most of the challenges they talk about seem to center around either (1) pregnancy, childbirth, and the physical/mental effects afterward, or (2) the baby stage itself.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting on what I want, what I feel capable of, and what's realistic for me and my husband. Right now, I don't feel that pregnancy is the best choice for me or my body. We've talked about the possibility of adoption if we decide we want to become parents instead.

Adoption feels like a topic that isn't discussed nearly as openly as pregnancy or biological parenthood, so I don't come across many firsthand experiences. I'd really love to hear from women who have been in a similar position.

Have any of you known that pregnancy wasn't the right path for you but still wanted to become a parent? Did you pursue adoption? If so, what was your experience like? What surprised you, and is there anything you wish you had known before starting the process?

I'd also love to hear from anyone who seriously considered adoption but ultimately made a different choice and why.

Thank you in advance for sharing your experiences. I know this can be a deeply personal topic, and I really appreciate any perspective you're willing to offer.


r/Fencesitter 1d ago

Child free feelings emerging suddenly in late 30s? anyone else had this?!

8 Upvotes

I was very pro becoming a parent all my life and it was something i desperately wanted. However, at 34, I experienced a big break up which started making me question things, however I still thought i'd have kids eventually. I've had flickerings of wanting kids over the past few years, but I recently dated someone totally CF, and (although we've now broken up), I'm now having seriously strong CF feelings and allowing myself to imagine what that would be like, and suddenly I'm struggling to get the desire back to have children. Has anyone else experienced this? I guess i don't really know what to believe!


r/Fencesitter 1d ago

I want only a small child

0 Upvotes

I feel like I only want a child under 9 yo. because if the problem arises it can be contained. If the child is big it’s both physically and emotionally more challenging.

does it mean I don’t want children?


r/Fencesitter 2d ago

I'm terrified I'll hate having kids.

105 Upvotes

I've never been one of those "I've wanted a baby since I was a little girl" women. In fact, since I was 7 years old I've proudly been childfree, witnessing my own mother go through pregnancy with my baby brother and seeing how it destroyed her life and body up close (and she was also very vocal about this with me). I've always focused most of my energy on my hobbies and career. Now I'm at an age (34) where it feels like "crunch time". If I don't make a decision soon officially, I might miss the window where having kids is a possibility for me, if that's what I want. Shit's getting real now, and I've found myself aggressively on the fence as opposed to enthusiastic about being childfree or having kids. It feels like hell. It keeps me up at night and has genuinely started to become somewhat of an obsession for me and even a distraction at work. To make matters worse, my partner, who was once okay with being childfree has started to seriously want kids, and has insinuated that he would have to end things with me if I also didn't want them, which is just hell and puts a crazy amount of pressure on me. I'm sick with worry all the time.

My main concern is, I don't really know if I'll like the day to day "meat and potatoes" part of parenting, regardless of how much I love my kids. The tantrums, the lack of sleep, the lack of freedom, giving up my hobbies and my life. It all sounds like the shit end of the stick.

I'm wanting to hear from other women like me. Did anyone here go into parenting thinking they'd absolutely hate it and end up loving it?


r/Fencesitter 1d ago

Reflections I was convinced by my partner to have a child but I still feel conflicted inside, how to see parenting positively ?

6 Upvotes

Hi, long post I'll try to TLDR my questions
M32 in couple with a F32 for 11y. We've been enjoying our life pretty well since the beginning and we've agreed on important things most of the time : vacations, buying a house, changing both jobs and moving... I was drawn to the childfree life, my partner was undecided and fine with postponing the decision.
Then 2y ago she became more pressing on that topic asking for a decision (the biological clock that may or may not exist) because she felt the desire of having one child. This topic became a blocking point that no one wanted to talk about since we disagreed.
Finally I finally agreed, not because of a sudden desire of kids, but rather because I didn't have any rational reason to oppose it. I also agreed based on the fact that actually getting pregnant may take long so it would leave time to getting used to the idea, let nature do its work.
She got pregnant after 2 weeks, which is a blessing compared to people struggling for years, but also caught me off-guard. I am getting ready by buying baby stuff, building the bedroom but I can't feel any interest in "caring" for the future baby.
There is a saying in France that men don't care about babies until they actually have their own in their arms.

So my questions :

  • did anyone find in a similar situation, AKA following their partner in this project while not being totally convinced ?
  • How did it turn out after that ?
  • Is there a calling for parenting or just is just a task you feel more or less capable of ?

r/Fencesitter 1d ago

Q&A partner starting HRT, not sure how to feel?

5 Upvotes

Hi everyone, I've just come across this subreddit today and I'm glad I did. So, my partner and I are both 20 and we've always been pretty meh on the idea of kids. My partner is trans, mtf, and about to start HRT and now I'm not really sure what to think when it comes to kids? There's always been a part of me that wants them but with adoption being practically impossible in Australia (where we live) and sperm freezing being so expensive especially with time, it's got me kind of sad? I hate talking about it because I feel guilty that my yes will make her feel like she has to say yes but I also just have no idea what to think or say. Any advice?

edit: its probably good to note, I’m on the pill, have been for years, we’re also in uni so we aren’t wanting kids now

edit: Thank you everyone for the opinions, suggestions and questions, you’re very appreciated


r/Fencesitter 1d ago

When you might want kids but unsure if you have enough time left

1 Upvotes

So I’m 30 and my husband is 34. We both work full time but only make around $90k/year combined.

We have a current plan for me to quit my job and go back to school next year and finish my degree, which will take 2 years. After that I’ll have to work for at least a year to get some money saved up and become eligible for maternity leave.

He has a psychology degree but was never able to find a well paying job in the field, so he works for a trucking company (retail). I’m currently a nanny.

We are unsure about having kids, but he brought up the fact that if we wait until we’re financially comfortable and ready, he will be 38 already. He doesn’t want to be an old dad, but the thought of us never having kids makes me sad.

Has anyone else felt like they’re running out of time to wait until you’re ready?


r/Fencesitter 2d ago

To avoid regret

10 Upvotes

If you choose the right person can having children can be an amazing and fun thing?

But how long were you with your partner before having kids? And do you think the longer you're with them before kids the better raising children with them would be as you've built a strong relationship and know them very well...

Or do you think it doesn't matter and having kids just ends up blowing up the relationship?

Curious to know what parents think of their relationship with their kids other parent and if anything could've made you both more prepared for parenthood or if there is no preparation and you've just gotta take the plunge


r/Fencesitter 3d ago

I've decided that I DO want kids...In 30-40 years. Life is just too short.

470 Upvotes

A somewhat devastating realization that I've had recently as a 32 year old woman. A part of me has always wanted kids, although I've waffled on which side of the fence I lean toward. I've realized recently that I do want kids, but I don't want them soon enough for how short life is. After a childhood of trauma and just very recently finding myself and feeling comfortable, I desperately need to live this life with absolute freedom for many decades. After and only after doing that do I feel I'd be ready to have kids. But by then it will be too late. I wish life were longer.


r/Fencesitter 1d ago

been a fencesitter for years but recently im leaning towards yes, but I have no family

0 Upvotes

I f(29) has been a fence sitter for years but recently its been a hard yes. I think its because of all the kids we been hanging out with. Now the problem is I have a fiance of 10 years m(34) but he works out of town 3 weeks on/3 weeks off and I have no family to help me, I do have friends but they also have lives... what would be your advice. or just anything too help me


r/Fencesitter 2d ago

Disinterested and incurious parents

6 Upvotes

Just looking for anyone going through something similar. I’m undergoing IUI trying to get pregnant, but still holding onto grief and doubt about the future. My parents have expressed no interest in being grandparents. My mom works with kids as a play therapist and is considered like a kid whisperer and she has no desire to do “family things.” I just know in my gut that they won’t be very involved or even curious about my experience. It just brings up a lot of feelings about my own unmet needs from growing up with them. I really want better for my future kid. It’s just painful.


r/Fencesitter 2d ago

Reflections It's okay if you change your mind.

89 Upvotes

Maybe you had a year of being broody AF and now you're over it. Maybe you never had a maternal or paternal bone in your body and all of a sudden the idea of a family sounds....okay. Maybe you were told there's no choice but to have a family. Maybe you didn't grow up with any good family experiences and never saw it in your future, but now you do.

I wish someone had made me feel better about changing my mind. So here's your permission to change your mind. Changing your mind is fine. It is your life.


r/Fencesitter 2d ago

Anxiety Swinging back to childfree.

10 Upvotes

My (F37) journey has gone from childfree to fencesitter to wanting a baby to fencesitter and now leaning more childfree.

I recently underwent surgery to remove some fibroids. I went ahead with the surgery because it would potentially improve my periods as well as my fertility. Something just didn't feel right and I knew all my awful symptoms were not exclusive to fibroids only so I got an MRI which showed adenomyosis. This compounded with my age made me think longer and harder than ever before about having a child.

Initially what changed my mind towards childfree is hard to explain it was more of an emotional feeling. I then noticed babies everywhere I went and felt excited. My partner and I talked about everything possible-parenting styles, finances, boundaries with family, sharing childcare responsibilities. I felt excited to try and thought about everything carefully.

Fast forward to now I have been off the pill for three weeks and I feel awful. Constant nausea, low mood and a sense of isolation. I feel as though I have a snapshot into a future of being the one with the responsibility/bodily burden. I worry pregnancy would make my adenomyosis worse. My partner is supportive and looks after me well but I worry I just can't do this and it would be unfair to a child. I also worry about having a girl and passing on my adenomyosis/endometriosis.

Has anyone else swung back once the reality hit you?


r/Fencesitter 2d ago

Childfree Getting off the fence, permanently, this week

60 Upvotes

My (30F) husband (31M) had a vasectomy a couple of years ago. I’m scheduled for a bisalp this Thursday. Neither of us have ever had much interest in having kids, but this feels like a very final, no going back moment. I didn’t expect to feel emotional about it, but I definitely do.


r/Fencesitter 2d ago

Swinging towards yes, partner is not sure

5 Upvotes

I had always been a no until very recently I swung to a hard yes. I told my partner who is trying to decide if he does want to have a child with me. Now I'm facing the prospect of breaking up over not wanting the same things, I'm nervous about dating again with the end goal to be to reproduce and start a life with someone. I'm worried I'd end a relationship I really enjoy and then not actually want kids with anyone else. My partner has a child with a previous partner so it's not like he misses out if he doesn't have a child with me.

It's really eating me up. I have an appointment with a counsellor because it's really wrecking me. He hasn't decided yet and is being very supportive but I just feel stuck. I feel like I'm delaying the inevitable.

Not looking for relationship advice, it's obvious what I have to do depending on his answer, looking for ways others in similar situations coped or how the outcome worked for them.