Do you find yourself getting insecure around Ti doms? How does it influence your behavior?

Do you as an ESFJ struggle to tell someone what you want them to do? Or what you want from them?

Or do you more so talk about it and hope they pick up on your need?

I am INFJ 34 years old,

There is is this ESFJ that is at work , she is a senior director whereas I am an associate.

She is extremely manipulative, talks so much behind people's back, does a lot of triangulation (puts people against each others with gossip and back biting), she is always *easily* embarrassed.

Lately she is has been very short tempered with me, very hyper critical, she sends me messages asking me to do things that are very vague, and then when I ask for clarification or come back to her with new info, she just ignores my messages. She walks passed my desk and says good morning and looks the other way as she is doing it....As if I want to say good morning to her.

So immature, indirectly toxic and difficult. She's like late 40s or early 50s, acting like this.

She really does engage in "mean girl" stereotype. I absolutely hate this woman, the problem is that she has considerable influence, not just because of her title or because her toxic socio politics but because we are going through a restructuring.

What drives ESFJs to behave this way?

What can I do to "survive" this woman?

What should I do?

Can you tell when 2 people like each other?
How would you know if they do?
How would you figure out if they do?

According to 16 Personalities I’m a Consul (ESFJ-A) and this sounds very accurate. I work as a Senior product developer of clothing and accessories for a sports company and I don’t enjoy my job. I’ve done it for 11 years. I currently work 3 days a week. I don’t get much job satisfaction out of it. I simply do it because it pays okay in comparison to any other job I could do with my skill set. The most difficult part of the job is staying focussed as I just don’t enjoy it anymore. The best part of the job is the average salary and my colleagues are nice.

UPDATE: Well, the overall yes vs. no divide is pretty close. But more "core contributers" voted yes, and there are comments advocating for yes but not for no, so I guess all surveys and studies are allowed now.

Up until now, I have been requiring posts about surveys to follow the same rules as any other posts. All posts are required to be related to this subreddit, and that means posts about ESFJs, posts about MBTI in general in a way that is inclusive of ESFJs, questions that seem to be asked in a genuine attempt to gain insight into how different types think about something, and anything that is posted by someone who has identified themselves as an ESFJ. But I’d like to know what our members think of surveys that aren’t related to this subreddit but are related to personality. Should they be allowed?

By the way, since I can’t tell if the people answering the poll are regulars in this sub (EDIT: apparently I can on desktop but not on mobile, which is ironic, considering you can't actually create polls on desktop; EDIT 2: looks like it was a matter of not having enough votes yet), comments would be greatly appreciated and may influence how I decide to handle these types of surveys, especially if the poll responses don’t lean heavily one way or the other.

We invite you to take part in an anonymous online survey: Personality, Close Relationships and Attitudes towards Mental Health Problems.   

If you are 18+ years old and choose to be included, your participation in this survey will help researchers at the University of Wollongong to better understand attitudes towards mental health problems, and how these may relate to pathological personality traits, mood states and relationship styles.   

 The survey will take 45-60 minutes to complete, and will ask some questions about: 

• Your personal characteristics (e.g., age, gender) 
• Your personality traits 
• Your experiences in close relationships
• Your attitudes towards mental health problems

To take part in this survey, please visit: https://uow.au1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_1HvwPWrZkHXSyc6

For more information, please contact Dr Samantha Reis at [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected]).

I’m NOT a professional author. I just like writing comics, scripts and stories for fun. Can yall tell me some stereotypical and non-stereotypical traits yall have so i can get an understanding of the ESFJ mind. This character that im writing is a very powerful man’s daughter and she has everything in the world but is also very down to earth. I want her to be realllllyyyy clever and sly though!

every esfj man i've seen so far is bald and has a round face

I am an INTP (F) that started an informal relationship with an ESFJ (M) that I met at work shortly before I transferred locations. We are both older, around 50 yo and I consider myself well-rounded and emotionally mature with a lot of insight and patience.

There are a lot of things that attract me to him, but I suspect he has fearful/anxious, attachment issues. He has seemingly pushed me away in the sense of keeping me at arms length, but is consistent in calling me regularly and acknowledging when I get frustrated that he hasn’t made time for me, but it’s always a work excuse. We both work a lot and rotating shifts. I told him that if he wanted to spend time with me, he would. When I put pressure on him like that, he’s quiet for a few days until I reach out and then he seems happy that I’m still talking to him, but never really addresses the issue and then he tends to go back into the normal pattern of calling me daily, etc.

A while back when we would see each other , briefly and planned and I tried to reach out to him physically with a touch or to lean in, he wouldn’t respond. I recently called him out on it and told him he “friend zoned me”. Then, I reached out to him 36 hours later about something and without addressing the issue, he stopped by to see me briefly before his work shift, had his arm around my waist and leaned in to kiss me multiple times.

If this is how it’s going to be, I can’t continue like this. Is this just noncommittal behavior, or a fearful avoidant attachment issue? He has expressed fear of abandonment in relationships and I can also see patterns in him that would make a relationship with him hard if someone isn’t securely attached themselves and patient.

Hi,
I guess I am hating how caring I am and how much I want to help people, although I deeply know that they won’t do the same if they were in my place.

I have a feeling that I want to change this trait in me.

Has anyone else successfully transitioned away from being an extreme people-pleaser/over-giver?

How do you stop caring so much about people who don't match your energy?

Also, if you have any book recommendations that deal with setting boundaries, stopping the urge to rescue everyone , I would really appreciate it.

I just need some perspective on this because I feel as if there is something that I am not seeing or understanding.

I'm an INTP (F) in an LDR relationship with an ESFJ (M). Our relationship is very fun, exciting, and overall good even in LDR; however, there is a recurrent problem that we can't seem to cross and that is communication. We've probably had the communications argument/discussion every quarterly and this point, but while I try my level best to maintain it, his communication and contact comes and goes. He will have days where he wants nothing but to talk to me and then there will be days to weeks where he will want his space, which also means that endearments and even relationship bids will fall off. He also becomes very business-like and straightforward.

It makes me feel as if the onus of maintaining the relationship falls on me because if I don't text or call, our communication almost becomes nil during these periods. Whenever I bring this up, he cites job and study stress, but I feel as if texting one or two sentences in a day isn't much? It becomes a sore point in our relationship where when we discuss it, he doesn't seem to understand what is upsetting me no matter how clearly (in my perspective) I explain it and rather that it's because I have set some "new standard."

Can anyone help me navigate this or even understand his perspective because I feel as if we're going in circles at this point.

I want to have a huge friendgroup, but my social anxiety stops me from doing so. I believe people hate me sometimes

I am an INTP (F) with developed Fe, my husband is an ESFJ. Exactly! We are polar opposites and that fascinates me so much. Because when I bottle my emotions, he reminds me that it's okay to feel. And when he gets too consumed by his emotions, I give him clear logical solutions.

I do overthink though that sometimes it's not what he wants to hear, I mean we do communicate very thoroughly and try to understand each other. But I have a feeling he's adjusting to the way I treat him. Do ESFJs love being loved in their own love language or in other people's love language? 🤔🤔🤔

He's very kind and delicate to me and I'm scared that my logical mindset may be too brutal for him (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠). So how to comfort my ESFJ man without sounding like a tsundere Asian mom?

Does anyone else here struggle with people who are too emotionally cold? I'm talking about people who are not very affectionate, nonchalant, critical rather than supportive, aloof etc.

No offence to anyone who is like this, people are different and that's fine

I however strongly gravitate towards people who are bubbly, affectionate, supportive, loud etc. And vice versa, it is often those personalities who click with me. I myself am a words of affirmations girly.

Hi, I’m an INTP in my mid to late twenties. Something has changed for me compared to my younger years: if I don’t have any new exciting experiences (Ne), especially involving people (Fe), or at least some social connection that isn’t too surface-level in a day, I start to feel sick, like something is missing.

This is crazy to me because when I was younger, I could get lost in an interest for days and not feel like I needed social connections at all. I would feel very good. But now it’s totally different, and it’s affecting me. It is annoying because, since I wasn’t like this before, I still tend to ignore this need of mine and I’m not proactive about seeking social connections.

Now I’m curious: how is Ti showing up for you around this age range? What are you doing about it?

Also if you think you have any advice for me, I am interested in hearing it.
Thanks!

I never understood what it meant to meet a “saint” until I met you. Your success is measured by the well‑being and strength of the people around you, classic dominant Fe in its purest form, and that’s a rare kind of beauty.

You have that ESFJ gift of sensing what people need before they even say it. The way you create stability, the way you remember the small details, the way you show up consistently… that’s your Si grounding everyone. You bring warmth, structure, and emotional clarity into any space you enter.

Your loyalty isn’t loud, but it’s steady. Your care isn’t performative, it’s instinctive. You’re the kind of person who turns chaos into comfort and strangers into community without even trying.

Since that day, I’ve believed this:
Wherever true harmony exists in a friendship, a home, a community, or even a workplace, it’s because someone like you is there holding it together.

I’ve sensed that ESFJs and ENTPs are absolutely the best at persuading!! Thanks to positive Fe and Ne. You can talk very well.

Do you agree?

Hi all! My (INFJ 31M) girlfriend (ESFJ 29F) have been together around six months. One thing she struggles a bit with is when people have different opinions to her about things which she finds morally important. She's aware that she needs to be more open-minded, but she still finds it stressful to have those types of conversations. I suspect this comes down to both inferior Ti (finds it destabilising when people disagree with her and try to get her to explain her reasoning) and Ni PoLR (finds hypotheticals or abstract reasons harder to feel "real").

​

Do you have any advice on how I can support her in these types of conversations? So far I think it's mainly a combination of:

1. Not talking about things if they're not important, even if they tickle my brain.

2. Flagging things where we disagree or stopping debates early, so she has time to mull over it and be in a good mental space, and returning to it later.

3. Reassuring her that it is ok for us to disagree about things.

4. Making more concrete why it is important and focusing on how we would navigate concrete examples without worrying about trying to agree on the underlying principles.

​

Curious whether anyone has advice about how they navigate this and how I can support her? She does feel somewhat obligated to not just have open disagreements with the people in her life, and I'd like to support her as much as is sensible.

​

Some examples of things which she has found stressful include: the potential impact of AI (e.g. for our careers), abortion/genetic testing, a case when we both felt we had acted unfairly to each other.

After being with intuitive people for a long time, the ESFJ feels very normal light and it’s refreshing