Throwaway account. trigger warning for incest, heavy sexual themes, sexual trauma
I’ve been heavily abused as young as my memory goes. I have cptsd and osdd due to the trauma I’ve gone thru. I often have very disturbing dreams, which can be other than sexual, like apocalypses, tornadoes, catastrophe events, military, being in war, and then sexual ones. I went thru sexual abuse by my father, many child on child sexual abuse instances as well. All my life, my existence has inherently been sexual. I’ve come to realize recently once starting therapy that my sexual dreams happen more often than I thought. I’d like to say tho that my sexual dreams nvr scare me, I’m not disturbed by them. They don’t affect me. I’m heavily dissociated and have the inability to rly conceptualize that wat ive gone thru and the affects negatively affect me. I only consider something a nightmare if it genuinely scares me in my sleep or I am startled awake. Anything else no matter how insane it is is just a dream. And I carry on with my day like it’s nothing. My therapist told me that that’s kinda a high standard to interpret my dreams as. And that a disturbing dream of the nature I describe is a nightmare even if it doesn’t affect me. Imma post the one I had last night here and see wat others think.
AGAIN this is very gross stuff so beware. I personally find it hilarious, how I wrote it in my notes app to remember to write it in my journal was pretty funny personally. But yeah
Dream:
As far as I remember it started with my grandfather fucking me doggy style. I was into it in the dream ofc. I mean rly in these dreams I think it’s a sexual part (alters in osdd system) like Maria or someone I’m not aware of. I’ve nvr as far as I’ve remembered had a sexual dream of pawpaw (my grandfathers nickname, he died when I was in 2nd grade, I’m 20 now). His dick was long and huge, lots of snapshots of “admiring” it, he was 6’ 6” after all. Maybe it’s tied to the fact of when he was sick in the hospital I was in 2nd grade and he was in a hospital gown lying on the bed and I curiously peaked in between his dress and he snapped at me and yelled not to look there but I saw his balls and his flaccid dick but not a lot of details it was quick (this is a real memory, not part of the dream). Anyways I was riding him, grinding on him, just having a bunch of sex. He would say things to me, seemed like a gentle lover. Tho I don’t think a 67 yr old man could rly be any other way (generalization). He admired me, I was a slut for him. As I usually am in these kinda dreams. Then some stereotypical porn star Asian girl was there, she was a virgin, was all flustered, very petite. My irl gf was there, it was our job to prepare the girl to get fucked by my grandpa. My gf would touch her breasts she’d protest in that typical pornstar hentai way, there was a view of my gf climbing on top of the girl and my gf was naked, her ass up and arched, she looked beautiful. then I think I switched and I was masculine (Nick?) I had my same body but I was a man, and I wanted to eat the girl out, so I climbed on top the girl and yanked her shorts down, it showed a view of her vagina, typical porn vagina, small button clit, symmetrical folds, innie not an outie. I nvr got to start cuz then I think the dream ended or my gf irl was shifting around in bed and it woke me up. There was a scene of my parents room back at the old townhouse and pawpaw was laying on my moms side, back to the door, and when I came in he looked over his shoulder at me. And then I was in their bathroom but I don’t remember the context of it.
The end.
For context my grandfather nvr sexually abused me, there was nvr any connotations of sexual behavior from him. He just had a bad temper, so u had to be careful around him. Other than that I loved my grandpa. So yeah, like I said very weird shit, my mind has always been like this tho so i dont know how this might be interpreted by others