I just wanted to let everyone know that it can get better!! You can grow and learn skills to help regulate your emotions. I’ve had a BPD diagnosis for 7 years. For most of my life I’ve struggled with maladaptive coping mechanisms and emotional regulation. There have been times when I honestly didn’t think I would be able to survive this mental illness. DBT is changing my life. Please don’t give up hope! I know how hard it is, but you’re strong and this isn’t the end for you. Life is worth fighting for, you’re worth fighting for.

i thought i was gonna use this summer to write, draw, or do other hobbies but it turns out i'm only bedrotting while seeking dopamine from my fp and social media. i'm even tired of daydreaming.

i literally can't do anything. any advice?

I'm scared. I know this is stupid, but all I know about inpatient treatment is what I've seen in media and horror stories from friends who didn't go willingly.

I just started a 12-week FMLA from work because I'm losing basic daily function as the result my worsening mental health. My PCP is really good to me and takes my improvement really seriously and she's been telling me to do this for over a year, but it freaks me the fuck out. The idea of not sleeping in my own bed, surrounded by other people who are insufferably fucked up, cut off from the outside world, masking myself to death because I can't help it. How is that helpful? It sounds like shit.

Bully me into it. Tell me I'm being a baby. Tell me I've got it all wrong. I want to be well, but I'm scared.

Hi

I’ve always struggled with my mental health as long as I can remember. I’ve lost multiple friends because of mental health. Even as a child I had a chronic fear of abandonment and self harm. For most of my life, I was diagnosed with depression. I knew there was something more but didn’t know how to articulate it. I have a suspicion I have autism and multiple therapist also think that but can’t diagnose me. I was diagnosed with borderline the 1st of this year. I didn’t know what it was but I was happy. My logic is now that I have something more specific, I can get more specific treatment. When I first learned about it, I was sad and frustrated to accept I have such a hard disorder to live with. I was introduced to DBT and it saved my life. For the first time in my life, I knew how to regulate my emotions and my feelings were validated. I vividly remember a small period where my brain was at peace. No self harm thoughts, no racing thoughts and no fear of abandonment. My goal is to feel that again. The thing that makes me so happy, is that now my emotions are more regulated, I can talk about my autism and I’m in the process of getting tested. I can now talk about my childhood trauma with my therapist and process it. I am still new to DBT and have a long journey to reach remission but for the first time in my life I have hope that things will get better. I still have episodes but they feel more tolerable and are not as common. DBT has truly saved my life. I will continue to fight for my mind to be at peace again. Life is worth living and I am worth it. I love myself and I don’t need anyone to validate me. I am strong and loved.

To who ever is reading it, don’t give up. I believe in you. You are not too much. You are not too sensitive. Trust me, it truly does get better. Life is beautiful and I want you to see it one day.

So for context, my partner and I are in a long distance relationship. Each night I usually stay home to call him at the end of the day. However yesterday I went out with my siblings and friends last night and time got away from me and I didn't get a chance to call him until 1 am. He's a night owl and usually stays up late anyways plus he napped all day so I figured it wouldn't matter.

He just moved to a new city and was feeling lonely but I was updating him every second of the day and doing my best to keep him informed. Anyways he got pissed at me last night and hung up in my face.

Now I'm splitting and realizing I forsake so much of my social life to sit on the phone with this man and talk about NOTHING for hours each night. Countless evenings with friends just thrown out the window. Like I straight up want to break up with him over this lol.

I'm being crazy right?

My bp is being ruled out and I’m being suspected with bpd instead. I want to understand bpd more so I’m curious how different bpd is for each person, so if there’s anyone out there willing to share their experience with bpd, please share^^

For the last few years I have felt like I've been in a vicious cycle, from trauma caused by literally most people in my life to my own mom being bpd and the worst mom ever, I felt like this life wasn't meant for me because im not like others. Her mental disorder was ingrained into me when I was growing up, she messed me up so bad emotionally that I feel defected forever and have bad abandonment issues, i want to be close to people but she crushed all the parts of me that wanted connection when I was younger. She is sick and pretty much dying now, and I want nothing to do with her but my grandma who is obsessed with her keeps asking me to help her. I CANT. If any of them knew what it took to pull myself out and the mountains I still climb daily to want to be loved and secure, if they could feel the depth of my pain in this life they'd understand, but no one does and it makes me feel so abnormal 😭 ​I dont want to hate her, but I cant stand her and im angry AF at her, i will be forever then i feel bad because shes put me in this pit. There is a void that wont ever close for me. End of my rant. ​

I feel like my reactions to things that should be, at worst, just considered kind of annoying behavior in an otherwise alright person are way too intense and I just despise the person. Even when they haven't done anything wrong and they are a nice person.

The real wild part is that sometimes the annoying thing they did was just be a really nice/sweet person.

The hatred will last as long as my annoyance at the behavior does. I feel like a bitter jerk and a bully when I get that way but the more I try to tolerate the person/behavior and try and get over it then the angrier I feel.

Having a hard time with this. When my partner does kind things for friends, I get jealous. Especially for opposite sex friends. Every time it's just a reminder that he is thinking about other people and is attuned to what they would like and then takes the time to do it. He inconveniences himself and spends time on things that make them feel special. I want to appreciate that about him, but I just find it so distressing. It's an immediate comparison that he's not doing those things for me.

Anyone else experience this? How did you reframe or deal with it?

I’ve always felt that I’m too much for anyone to handle. My relationships were always a mess because I would be upset over the smallest of things (an ignored message, tone I assumed, constant feeling of lack of enthusiasm from them, etc.) and it would happen quite often.

I’m in a fairly new relationship right now and everything that I’m doing to be better just feels like I’m just making myself more palatable for my partner and for other people. I try to process and not snap at anyone or split but it feels like I’m suppressing my full emotions. Am I not meant to feel things fully? I mean I know I can! But it feels like when I’m not allowed to let anyone to know that I do or else it’s gonna lead to another misunderstanding and the cycle just repeats. I feel like because of this I’m just growing to learn not to feel “that much” but I’m afraid I would end up being numb again and be distant towards them. How do you guys navigate through this?

It’s absolute madness it’s hell and that’s not the ironic part. It’s that i was the one initiating the break up but i thought she’d still be in my life bc there was no plans in blocking each other or going not going to not be in each other’s lives,, until she decided that she wants to go no contact not long ago (we’ve been together for four years on and off, mostly on) and it just dawned on me.
I wish i could express in words what im feeling but i physically can’t but iknow it’s not good,, it’s not good at all, pls send help im petrified.

FYI: I'm a man and I understand male BPD is quite different from female BPD. I don;t know if this will resonate with everyone.

That being said, all over these years I've been trying to find people who'd listen, empathize with what I was going through.

Friend 1: "I'm not your therapist. Get your shit together"

Friend 2: "I don't want your death on my conscience"

Friend 3: Straight up ghosted me

It's bloody tough. And I understand we're too much to handle for normal people. We need constant support, re-assurances, care.

I've kinda ODed last week. Woke up a day later.

Everybody suggests building a peer support group. I tried that in the past and I left midway when I was splitting.

I'm trying it again. I've called it trauma support because BPD begins with childhood trauma apart from minor genetic factors

This time I want a bunch of other people who admin the group in case I take break.

I hope we can help each other as sounding boards. We can become active listeners to anyone who;s in pain.

I took 4mg clonazepam, and it isn't helping.

It's not a marketing ad. It's a desperate plea. I do not want to be in this space again.

https://chat.whatsapp.com/KMQBYVYQa97G4tJ9ddg2xd

PS: I just want to drink myself senseless. I wish I could. I don't want to feel all this.

Hi, so I've been dealing with severe depression for as long as I can remember and have gotten diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and I'm just so sick of the constant switches. I try, I try so hard to be better. I'm in therapy, I put the work in, and it lasts for a little bit, and then ends. I'm currently on medication and have been for the past two years, on and off, and that has helped, but idk what to do. I just feel so hopeless and want to hear others' journeys or something to give me hope because I don't think I can go on like this for the rest of my life. (Sorry to complain)

It's like infinity. There's no solving it. Because you can't grab something that's infinite. If you split into so many little pieces, how can you possibly grab them all? I've splitten into atoms magnitudes beyond what I can even fucking imagine and I'll never converge back into one. I'm infinite, but never uniform. I want to be whole.

i get told i’m complicated but im honestly hollow inside if anything. and even then im either too little or too much or too easy or too difficult and it tires me out sometimes. i wish i could just be me

7 years diagnosed with this accursed disorder. I've gotten good at recognizing my behaviors, understanding what I'm doing and why. Doesn't mean I can stop it, but I know what I'm doing and how im hurting the people I care about most.

Just like many of you, it allllways gets worse when i get close to someone. After years of longing, I finally met the perfect partner. Loving in all the ways I always wanted, so much overlap in our interests, appreciates everything I send her. I love her with everything I have. And yet I just,,,,idk how to describe it. Sometimes we are being loving together, bein all cute n flirty, and I just get this like, feeling of revulsion, apprehension and a desire to leave. Like the feeling of being cut off in traffic, or eating food that suddenly just tastes wrong. Most times I try to redirect the conversation when it happens, or find a way to end it without being harsh, but sometimes I just run. I did that today, and now she's reading my texts but not saying anything and not joining my calls, either. This at a very emotional part of our talk, I just left. Disappeared. Ans im panicking now

I know its some kind of defense mechanism gone wrong, like every other fucking part of this disease. I know I cant help these awful feelings. I just hate that I have them. This relationship is what I used to daydream of, longed for, its the stuff of dreams and my brain ruins it just fucks it up and tears it apart. This is why we don't get to have nice things.

So now im just laying here in bed, trying to wipe the tears off my face so my parents don't suspect that I was crying when I join them for dinner. I'm playing through the events and anticipating how she would break up with me. I'm not going to commit the Big Silly, but damn if I dont get closer to it every year.

i work at a call center but looking for a job in graphic design (i have bachelors in graphic design) and my bf has been pestering his friend about a job for me.

after the last call i wanted to share my feelings with him and told him it feels humiliating (bc the friend basically says i need to expend my portfolio but bf is keeping to pester him).

bf immediately got angry and pissy saying its not humiliating and when i asked why hes angry he said bc im blaming him.

it wasnt my intention at all i just wanted to share how it feels with him but he didnt listen anymore. i tried to explain the friend is right n it feels humiliating to chase him when i know i need to expend my portfolio but he just doesnt hear me anymore. just tells me i make excuses all the time

i tried to tell him im not blaming him, he just didnt care. just completely pissed off. now im dissociating bc it scares me. im so tired. i hate this.

i understand he mightve felt im being ungrateful for his effort but it wasnt my intention. i didnt want to upset him i hate this

So there’s no option for me to attach an image to the post itself so you can access the image here

The link will take you to a Google Drive file. It is an art piece I made during my time in an inpatient program and the partial hospitalization program I did at a hospital over the last month. I made the piece to depict my feelings of isolation, emptiness, and dissociation. I thought I’d share it with all of you as I made it to capture my experience with BPD as well. Much love ❤️

So I have a really important business relationship and I have to deal with the fact that they are pulling back. Logically I get it, they have a family and they’ve had their business longer than mine. Anyway they didn’t really tell me they were pulling back but they basically cut me out , it really fucking hurts but it’s their choice , we need to keep collaborating as businesses as it’s actually more beneficial to my growth. But fuck I’ve just sent them a message they’ve read it and not replied again , they’re active on WhatsApp . I know I’m fucking crazy and I’ve already deleted the messages I sent but before I do anything else embarrassing I’ve deleted my WhatsApp and I’m just trying not to message them . Because honestly I’m already close to ending our relationship but that hurts my business and would basically f everything. I’m struggling to deal with this because I felt close to them and they are choosing to not be involved with me.

It would be so much easier if I could just be totally alone. Completely alone. I can’t do this.

On top of that I was using boxing to cope with stress but my boxing coach cancelled our sessions last week so I have no coping mechanism. I don’t feel good

i have bpd and i lowkey wish to be friends or at least talk to someone with bpd. i really wanna be open and just share stuff that happens as a person with BPD. THANKS FOR REACHING OUT IF YOU DO!

okay so i’m curious if anyone else w bpd experiences this because it frustrates me SO bad sometimes

i have this really weird habit, that i can’t even control, of just literally internalizing things like tv shows/movies and stories online

for example, i often quit tv shows midway through because i get so much anxiety, guilt, or depression surrounding the characters and/or their story line and it’s so strong that i will go into a depressive state for a couple weeks if i do finish a show i was fond of

does anyone else get this? it’s so weird lol
i’ve avoided sappy movies and emotional stories my entire life because of this

I have met this guy this year, Feb, and I thought he was the one that "could make me sane" and "change". Because as usual, when I was falling for him, all i could think was "he makes me wanna be better"... as if BPD is just an on off switch button LOL.

So I was sane for a few months in! We are communicating VERY WELL. And he has been SO CONSISTENT, I love him for that. He does not know about my BPD, I've been masking it very well.

We met in my country, but I flew last May to go to his country (6k miles away from each other)... and I thought that was the end of it. Like if we live together for two weeks, we'd realize we hate each other. But it wasn't. We've gotten stronger.

But idk if its the mercury being in retrograde thats making it worse... my only issue with him is I see him liking other girls' posts, esp the girls he used to date (on the app). And all of which are asian girls! All the girls he follow from his country - he doesn't like their posts... SO OF COURSE MY BRAIN IS GONNA GO HAYWIRE.

I lost it yesterday bc this girls' reel showed up on my feed (they went out for a while while he was on vacation in Asia)... I sent the screenshot of his like and I told him that it's bothering me bc I wouldn't be doing that personally if I were already seeing someone. And he said "fair enough, I didnt know that would bother you, its good that you told me" and then I was relieved... an hour later, another girl that I have on my "watch list" posted a selfie... he's on her likes. He didn't know I was onto her.

So I spent the whole night being "avoidant" of him. It physically hurt me. I was crying, I didn't get to finish my workload. I was doom scrolling all night to numb the pain. Crying til I couldn't breathe. I felt like a little kid again. I haven't felt that in a long time since my last relationship was 2 years ago!

And now even the slightest change in his routine is making me go crazy. I forgot that Wednesday are his days off at work, and when he messaged me good morning 2 hours later than usual, I was losing it!

I bought nicotine pouches, smoked cigarettes and cried again.

And then he texted me good morning :) And ofc you guessed it right... I was ok :) I HATE THAT THE MOST ABOUT MYSELF. I HATE WHEN MY FP'S ACTIONS PREDICT MY DAY! So he did confirm that it was his day off and that he was gonna run errands today and buy new stuff for his house.. WHICH NORMALLY, I wouldn't have a problem with. But today is just crazy.

My brain is like, you're the only one sending him messages. And he's only replying for the sake of replying. He wants to get rid of you. You're annoying him. He's out there with someone else. He probably fucked someone last night too.

And I can't fucking focus with my work. I've been staring at my screen and switching tabs for hours. I broke my daily routine of going to the gym bc my face was swollen from all the crying last night and I hadnt had sleep. :(

It doesn't help that I'm anxious-avoidant... he's probably just thinking "happy happy happy" while I'm here thinking of ways to end it because I'm so scared to get hurt. And it doesn't also help that Im coming to see him next month for his birthday. He says he's excited about it and already has plans for us and me to meet his friends and family... but here I am sabotaging it with my thoughts.

Any nice words and mantra are appreciated :( It's such a heavy day!

I wonder if everyone else feels like this. I keep seeing people on social media dancing all happy and looking so good and I wonder if underneath all that they still feel just as empty. I know that social media is fake and that I can dance and party too and I do but at the end of the day I find myself in my bed feeling so hollow and lonely. I felt pretty healthy earlier today, I’m pretty functional and very emotionally intelligent so I should have things under control. I try not to lash out, I’m good at keeping most things under control, I did dbt therapy. But people keep leaving. Discarding me feels so easy. My friends keep calling me childish and I just feel like everyone is so tired of me when I’m not even at my lowest point. I’m already scared of expressing anything because i know it only leads to me being abandoned and misunderstood and not reassured. No one chooses me no matter how much support I might get from some people. I go out and have good moments with people and I’ve gotten better at socializing but I still feel so behind everyone else. I don’t know what to do. I’m in therapy now and there’s nothing else that I want to think about. I’m tired of myself. I just want to hurt in peace. I still find it hard to accept that something’s wrong with me even when I feel this bad. Like I said I’ve gotten better at controlling my emotions. My diagnoses are so stigmatized and feel so blown out of proportion. Maybe I just want to be loved? Don’t most people feel this way? I don’t even think it’s my fault that I react this way when other people just don’t want to listen or fix their own behavior.