Is it just me or does anyone else sometimes wish they had bipolar. I told my mom this and she said bipolar is way worse but honestly I would rather deal with a disorder I can treat with meds then this bs. Even though bipolar is a for life disorder whereas bpd can technically be treated and become less painful as you age I can’t deal with TS anymore. I’m not trying to be a bitch and compare but idk

i (19f) became best friends and girlfriends with an amazing person that i love with my entire heart while we were in high school. unfortunately, i was very emotionally unstable and undiagnosed at this time, so i was not great to her. whenever she cancelled plans on me, i would FREAK OUT. i was jealous and possessive and... it just wasn't great. but she was my first love and even after we broke up, we've stayed best friends for years (lesbians amirite). i have made great improvements in my coping skills, started DBT, and am a lot better now.

but i knew that i would never get over my ex if i stayed in my hometown. i moved multiple states away, but we still kept in contact daily because she truly is my closest friend. i think the distance was really good with helping me move on past her. i even got a new girlfriend that i've been dating for 3 months now, and she's great.

but... my new girlfriend isn't my FP, and that's driving me crazy. i haven't dramatically fallen in obsessive love with her. it's been a slow, very steady and stable relationship thus far. and that sounds good, but i'm afraid that it's because my ex is still my FP. i don't have romantic feelings for my ex anymore, but i definitely still have some weird attachment issues and jealousy related to her. i do like my girlfriend a lot, but i feel like it's not "intense" enough, if that makes sense? maybe i just need to keep giving myself time.

i hate my emotions. i wish i could control how i felt.

i thought i was getting better but something triggered me, without too many details basically just got jealous over the mention of my friend having another friend, and i feel like all my progress was reset. i don’t know what to do, i know it’s not a big deal and that my friends can and SHOULD have other friends but i’ve just had this pit in my stomach the entire day. i can’t eat, i can’t study, and i can’t even talk to my friend because i know if i do i’m just gonna take my anger out on them. i haven’t been able to do anything all day. the ONLY thing on my mind is relapsing to go on a bender and just cutting off everyone in my life. i’m so lost and i have an exam tomorrow but i just can’t do anything when i’m like this. i’m worried i’m gonna just end up skipping the exam and putting off all my responsibilities entirely just to go relapse

i know this feeling’s temporary but i don’t know how to sit with it without harming myself and ruining my relationships with others

Also yes, until know I found out I am a holder, so, sorry about all, but let's not get into that, and let's talk about the important thing, and that's about it:

So, what do I do in this case of handling the bpd well? Like, how should I avoid getting this feelings get bad and bad? And any tips if this happens again? Because my head hurts, and I may need something to avoid having this from now on, because well, I kinda hate making one of my friends be bad because of me, and even if I can't have her forgiveness since I doubt it, I only hope the best in everything, so, go and say everything, I will try to do them, just as I can need.

currently in my first wlw relationship, been with my gf for almost 4 months. everything was so perfect at the start, it always is when im head over heels :(

i think the cracks with me started to show a couple of months ago when we went out to dinner with some of her best friends. im recovered from an ED, but eating in a restaurant + meeting new people is really scary for me. i completely spaced out, panicked and ran out of the restaurant before my food arrived. i told no one where i was going and walked around the city crying on my own for an hour with my girlfriend having no idea where i was, panicking and calling me and her friends also messaging me to see if i was okay. i remember she said it was probably the worst situation she’s ever been in socially :/

my gf is very understanding so things were good again for a while after that. until last week, i completely split on her for interacting with a woman in what i perceived to be a flirtatious way.

i get really jealous a lot over things i know are unreasonable, but i know when im about to split and im pretty good at stepping away from my phone now and grounding myself. unfortunately this time i didn’t, and i said some nasty things to my girlfriend before blocking and unblocking her about 10 times in a row.

we kinda talked it out - but only over text because i was working a lot so i couldn’t see her. i apologised the next day when i calmed down, but she was being really distant. eventually she rang me and said that she felt like she couldn’t carry my mental health on top of her own (something many of my exes have said to me) and that she feels like she has to walk on eggshells to not upset me a lot (something literally everyone in my life says to me) and that i should go back to therapy. she said she feels like she hurts me a lot without realising, but i am very sensitive.

we were both crying, and after she hung up i sobbed on my floor in the same spot for 4 hours without moving.

very stupidly and emotionally, i then messaged an ex of mine who i had to get a temporary protective order against last year bc he was following me and ringing me off withheld numbers every day for months breaking up with me.

he was obviously thrilled to hear from me and he’s been messaging me nonstop saying he wants to see me, he’s madly in love with me, calling me pet names and ringing me off no caller ID etc. im honestly kind of scared of this man and i don’t like him at all. i don’t know why i messaged him. sometimes i want to know im desirable for validation, and he was the first person my mind went to, although im no longer in a bad enough headspace to want to sleep with him lol

Not long after i messaged that ex, my girlfriend rang me saying she was sorry for breaking up with me and she loves me and she wants to work things out.

i really do love her and we spent last night together. i cried at hers for about 3 hours and i was honest about my very very deep fear of abandonment, but i didn’t say that i had messaged my ex. even though on paper everything is fine between us, it still feels weird. im reading into everything she does looking for signs that she’s going to leave me. the slightest hint of rejection and i feel like im going to throw up. everything i do feels wrong, and like it’s just a matter of time until she leaves me again. and now my scary ex wont leave me alone. i honestly don’t know what to do. all my relationships go to shit and it’s my fault.

my partner has ADHD and forgets stuff, suffers from time blindness and has a relatively smaller emotional capacity.

i am very frankly, too much for anyone to handle, let alone her. we have been dating for about 3 years now and my top fear has changed from being abandoned to feeling left alone and having to deal with things on my own or feeling taken for granted even with a partner in the picture. i do have a sense of stability in my relationship but I feel she won't be able to support me enough, she never knows what to say when I am in a spiral so even if I tell her that I am spiralling it doesn't help much I have to get out of it on my own. and if she, by chance leaves, i see it as abandonment or her ditching me and the spiral gets worse.

she sometimes describes to me her immediate feeling of tiredness so that we can sleep and it pisses me off, it feels as if she is saying "i am soo tired now let me go i can't deal with this". i have gotten a placebo reaction of her saying that she wants to sleep or is tired of getting ticked off most of the times.

i understand it is human but in the moment I can't help but feel the spike in emotion and go back to "you ditch every time I start talking about something"

i know that I need to know how to be by myself, I know, but how do y'all deal with this on a day to day basis?

i have tried to remove triggers by keeping my schedule very predictable and consistent routines so that i don't get spiked but I don't know, is it like running away from the problem?

First of all I wanted to say that I'm kinda new in this community and have denied the thought of having bpd for a long time...

I'm just really desperate because it doesn't seem like some of my friends really get how I feel. I also get that they have to focus on their mental health as well. But it just is so exhausting and is hurting me so bad when I don't get responses for hours, especially when I told them that I am doing pretty bad myself in that moment. It just feels like they think I am overreacting and that it's not worth the effort. I also hate that plans sometimes gets cancelled and nothing ever seems like a big deal to them although it is to me..

I just want to feel supported in bad moments and want someone to talk to.. I don't know if that's too much asked.

I was supposed to meet them today to talk about something they did that hurt me, and they cancelled on me and they rescheduled to another day and I don't know how I can wait anymore...

I don't know if I have explained it badly to them so that they maybe don't know how much it hurts, if I am asking for too much or maybe even if those are the wrong friends I have

I hope I got my point across in this post

I am 28(M) and the older I get, I kind of learn how to deal with and or work with my condition for the most part but the biggest thing I have trouble with is the whole (it's a big one obviously / and or cyclically) feeling like I am ignored / and or abandonment issues. It is like some burnt food / and or stubborn stain in a pan that no matter how hard you clean it, it never goes away. I managed to somehow through gaming found a FP that I could get along with they seemed to understand me and my condition. We got along great but however recently things happen to change, the self proclaimed patience that they had was gone, getting more attitude and hatred towards me, going offline most of the day after being online for a few secs/minutes, telling a changed in their behavior. This made me spiral and try and find why, I needed to know why. it bothered me, was I the problem? So me being a freak I kind of am figured yes they were playing offline without me. I discovered this by figuring out looking at hours of a game they were enjoying playing with other people (another friend group) offline through steam. I confronted them about it showing pics of time before and after (a few hours) with their time of playing before and after on record changing and I was told I was a freak and how that were angry at me for finding this out and blocking me on all social media that we had in common. this was the end but I have hope I could find others that would be able to help me and or understand me?

FYI: I'm a man and I understand male BPD is quite different from female BPD. I don;t know if this will resonate with everyone.

That being said, all over these years I've been trying to find people who'd listen, empathize with what I was going through.

Friend 1: "I'm not your therapist. Get your shit together"

Friend 2: "I don't want your death on my conscience"

Friend 3: Straight up ghosted me

It's bloody tough. And I understand we're too much to handle for normal people. We need constant support, re-assurances, care.

I've kinda ODed last week. Woke up a day later.

Everybody suggests building a peer support group. I tried that in the past and I left midway when I was splitting.

I'm trying it again. I've called it trauma support because BPD begins with childhood trauma apart from minor genetic factors

This time I want a bunch of other people who admin the group in case I take break.

I hope we can help each other as sounding boards. We can become active listeners to anyone who;s in pain.

I took 4mg clonazepam, and it isn't helping.

It's not a marketing ad. It's a desperate plea. I do not want to be in this space again.

https://chat.whatsapp.com/KMQBYVYQa97G4tJ9ddg2xd

PS: I just want to drink myself senseless. I wish I could. I don't want to feel all this.

Having a hard time with this. When my partner does kind things for friends, I get jealous. Especially for opposite sex friends. Every time it's just a reminder that he is thinking about other people and is attuned to what they would like and then takes the time to do it. He inconveniences himself and spends time on things that make them feel special. I want to appreciate that about him, but I just find it so distressing. It's an immediate comparison that he's not doing those things for me.

Anyone else experience this? How did you reframe or deal with it?

I wonder if everyone else feels like this. I keep seeing people on social media dancing all happy and looking so good and I wonder if underneath all that they still feel just as empty. I know that social media is fake and that I can dance and party too and I do but at the end of the day I find myself in my bed feeling so hollow and lonely. I felt pretty healthy earlier today, I’m pretty functional and very emotionally intelligent so I should have things under control. I try not to lash out, I’m good at keeping most things under control, I did dbt therapy. But people keep leaving. Discarding me feels so easy. My friends keep calling me childish and I just feel like everyone is so tired of me when I’m not even at my lowest point. I’m already scared of expressing anything because i know it only leads to me being abandoned and misunderstood and not reassured. No one chooses me no matter how much support I might get from some people. I go out and have good moments with people and I’ve gotten better at socializing but I still feel so behind everyone else. I don’t know what to do. I’m in therapy now and there’s nothing else that I want to think about. I’m tired of myself. I just want to hurt in peace. I still find it hard to accept that something’s wrong with me even when I feel this bad. Like I said I’ve gotten better at controlling my emotions. My diagnoses are so stigmatized and feel so blown out of proportion. Maybe I just want to be loved? Don’t most people feel this way? I don’t even think it’s my fault that I react this way when other people just don’t want to listen or fix their own behavior.

So for context, my partner and I are in a long distance relationship. Each night I usually stay home to call him at the end of the day. However yesterday I went out with my siblings and friends last night and time got away from me and I didn't get a chance to call him until 1 am. He's a night owl and usually stays up late anyways plus he napped all day so I figured it wouldn't matter.

He just moved to a new city and was feeling lonely but I was updating him every second of the day and doing my best to keep him informed. Anyways he got pissed at me last night and hung up in my face.

Now I'm splitting and realizing I forsake so much of my social life to sit on the phone with this man and talk about NOTHING for hours each night. Countless evenings with friends just thrown out the window. Like I straight up want to break up with him over this lol.

I'm being crazy right?

We may feel so damned with our big feelings but I can’t help but notice the beauty in feeling so strongly. As a person with bpd myself, I love so hard, it’s so disgustingly overwhelming to not fully understand why no one craves love that’s as intense as it feels for us, in the right hands that is.. the unconditional unwavering desire to demonstrate how big we feel love, I have this crippling urge to nurture those who I love I end up overbearing but it’s my life force, to me no cost, no payment , no return can ever compensate the feelings of what I feel is unconditional love, no one is perfect and when I love I don’t ignore the flaws, I see it as a part of what someone’s way of “trying” is, an art in itself, signed by the art of their inner self which if you look close enough you can almost see their inner child running loose when they genuinely feel. Maybe I’m completely off the rails with my description, I’m not currently in a relationship but the yearning never ends, something between finally being able to love without bounds and knowing what it’s like to have to operate on a completely different complex internal world and believing everyone has their own complex internal world. and *for those of us who do* there is such a beautiful thing about an internal world that we want people to feel comfortable sharing that and us sharing ours (as it is safe with us, as we assume it is with them)

I think where the turbulence (perhaps only in my case) comes in, is when you’re so down to open your inner world which is frequently misunderstood and we get abandoned for it. We crave an opportunity to make peace but things slip between our fingers while we desperately try to grasp for stability in the person of importance before us, “stability” a vast majority of us were not properly taught to portray and consequently fail to properly demonstrate (hence the fight or flight reaction), so we either let it out inwards or outward,
As above so below beautiful people, the feelings you feel the strongest have it’s opposites that come with an equal sometimes greater way of making itself known. Feeling everything at 100% all the time is fucking exhausting isn’t it? It’s overwhelming and yet we do it everyday, we struggle, we get up and we walk another day and the fact that you’re trying is praiseworthy, validating ourselves can be hard but high-five that inner version of you that didn’t know or understood this human experience and still decided to take up the interesting experience of life and sentient being that you are. Learn the algorithm your body has created to protect you and forgive its mistakes and tend to the things you feel you need to reroute or change and give yourself grace while you enter a version of you that doesn’t work only for the social world but the one that keeps you on two feet everyday and soothes your ailments, the ones you will never know of because your body is meant to help you, and sometimes it may need your conscious opinion to makes those choices, easier said than done but you’re talking to yourself and answering yourself, speak to yourself, build a relationship with yourself that includes what you do that comforts you, what you know that you do or think that can irritate you and hold your own hand while showing yourself the path that you feel works to your advantage (preferably the ones that don’t cause harm ahaha). If you’re still reading please drop a piece of love you feel, we are so much more than the symptoms we portray! You’re doing great!

I don’t know what to do anymore. I (f26) have BPD and have been in and out of hospitals from 2019-2021, still going through severe symptoms of it in 2026. I’ve tried every possible medication, therapy seems to work okay and then I quit because I don’t feel like they understand or I don’t trust them.

My husband (m26) is so sweet and thoughtful about when I get crazy. He doesn’t have BPD, so I’ve tried to explain that my mind feels lien everyone is on trial constantly. If my husband doesn’t cook in the week? The prosecution says he doesn’t care about me and that I deserve better. The defense says that there’s other things he does for our relationship and that I should actually be fucking grateful that he’s put up with my bs this entire time. The judge in my head tries to mediate to make a decision that doesn’t just end in my wanting to k*ll myself.

I’ve been in and out of jobs since 2020, the longest full-time job that I had was 1yr and 7mo at a credit union where I was sexually harassed. After HR did not help me, I quit. I’m currently full time at a new credit union, and I’ve been feeling intense PTSD because I think “this is a very similar environment to where I was hurting and no one chose to help me”. I want to quit this new job, but can’t because money :/

Does anyone here with BPD get SSDI and SSI? I’m realizing that the full-time schedule is very horrible for mental health and I need to really focus more on actively managing my BPD, but I need money as well to reasonably live.

I feel like quitting full-time work just to work a little part time and get SSDI seems like quitting, but I can’t do this anymore. I’m so burnt out, on edge, and anxious that something will happen to me again.

Why do I feel like this constantly? Do I really have to live like this for the rest of my life? Is this what the rest of my life will look like? I feel like a fucking failure of a person because I can’t do a basic full time job or keep stable relationships because the problem is me

TLDR:

My ex that vanished suddenly one day 3 years ago and cut contact I just found out he's alive and living down the street. I have had trouble moving on since because I didn't understand why he left. I of course want to reach out to get closure and just see if he's okay, but am trying to avoid acting impulsively and want to make sure it's a healthy choice. Any advice would be amazing!

Here is a much longer explanation below:

I was in a very intense and trauma bonded relationship with a guy that ended in 2023. We went through years of being unhoused together, both saved each other's lives in several instances, and we were either the perfect fit, or our fights were huge, loud, and sometimes violent.

Despite the negative, I cared intensely about him and likely wouldn't have ever ended things. I told him that if he wanted to ever leave for good (he took off and abandoned me often for periods of time) that he just needed to tell me as much, so I didn't waste time sitting around waiting for him to come back. He promised over and over that he would.

Fast forward to 2023, we had actually seemed to get to a much healthier place. Then all of the sudden he vanished and blocked me everywhere, deleting his social media and having no permanent address I had no way to get in touch with him. Since then I've gotten myself housing and am in a safety situation, but he continued down a dark path the last I knew.

I told myself over the last few years all I wanted was closure, to get a few things off my chest, and to just make sure he was alive and okay, but never thought I'd successfully ever learn any new information about his location. I told myself he must have cut me off out of love, to make sure I got myself the support I needed, knowing I would never have left on my own. I think this was just me sanitizing a very intense and not always healthy relationship with a troubled man though.

I found out he's living down the street from me, less than 5 miles away, and I'm trying to not be impulsive and react in a way I'll regret.

I know I probably should just be happy to know he's alive and let it go, but I also think getting to talk to him could really benefit me. I know if I did reach out, I would just need to manage my expectations and not allow how(or if) he responds to derail any progress I've made. I think a lot of my issues with my most recent relationship though stemmed from not fully having any resolution or understanding of what happened, so I tried to work those questions out in other ways subconsciously that ended up destroying the relationship.

Does anyone have advice on whether it would be unhealthy to reach out, and if so, some other ways to process the abrupt end so I can move on?

Hello

I am struggling heavily with emotional impermanence right now. Usually I have an emotional/mental reference of a few days but the last while it is like an hour. I've been trying to look up advice about it but almost all of it is regarding relationships and it's not my biggest issue right now.

My first problem is I'm waking up so groggy and irritable and lost because I am dreaming so vividly when I wake up I have to re-remember my whole life because my main reference is false memories [dreams]. Terrible start to the day.

My second problem is if I'm bored or sick of being alone at home it feels like I've been in that state for years.

My third problem which clashes with the second problem is when I hang out with people, primarily my boyfriend, after a couple of hours I feel like I don't know anything else. Like I've been at his house my whole life. I had this at a friend's house too and it makes it terrifying and uncomfortable to leave. I feel like I have no idea what's out the door or at home or anything.

I broke down crying pretty badly leaving my boyfriends house today and we're trying to meet more frequently to reduce it but it's still extremely tough. Even last night I was extremely anxious just about the prospect of leaving his house today. It feels like there is absolutely nothing once I leave. There is no future. I don't know if I'll see him again I don't know what will happen and it's not just like an anxiety it fully feels true that there is no future and I can't comfort that thought.

My fourth problem is I really genuinely can't keep track of the days, it's like everything to do with time is lost in my head. I had to remind myself like a hundred times that me and my boyfriend are meeting Thursday, which is two days away and it's still a fleeting thought.

I tried to write out my plans for the next few days to keep myself on track and it helped a little but I'm still extremely stuck on ways to cope with this. I've targeted a lot of things to do with bpd but I'm so lost on emotional impermanence.

Does anyone have any advice on ways to cope? I'm open to anything.

Around two days ago I went on this walk with this guy I really like. We hung out for hours until it was dark. I’m not gonna get into too much detail, I want some things to be between just him and I, but he told me he really liked me, like a lot, and I told him I felt the same.

It was good, and then it was bad. He told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship and I told him I’d wait. He kissed me three times that night and it was so good. Over text he makes it clear he wants to keep kissing me, but he doesn’t wanna be with me.

It’s not an outright rejection, I know he wants me, but he’s not committed to me. How do I deal with the pain I’m feeling? He clearly cares about me but I don’t know how to deal with the anxiety and stress I feel over knowing he doesn’t want to be with me.

Any other BPD grad school students out there?

I was diagnosed about a year ago with BPD, three years into my grad program. I’ve had to embark on another round of data collection for my qualitative dissertation. My original goal was to graduate this winter but now it looks like spring may be a more realistic option. I’m still shooting for December due to deteriorating mental health, largely because of my program. I work full time in research and am very stressed. Words of wisdom? Advice?

I have met this guy this year, Feb, and I thought he was the one that "could make me sane" and "change". Because as usual, when I was falling for him, all i could think was "he makes me wanna be better"... as if BPD is just an on off switch button LOL.

So I was sane for a few months in! We are communicating VERY WELL. And he has been SO CONSISTENT, I love him for that. He does not know about my BPD, I've been masking it very well.

We met in my country, but I flew last May to go to his country (6k miles away from each other)... and I thought that was the end of it. Like if we live together for two weeks, we'd realize we hate each other. But it wasn't. We've gotten stronger.

But idk if its the mercury being in retrograde thats making it worse... my only issue with him is I see him liking other girls' posts, esp the girls he used to date (on the app). And all of which are asian girls! All the girls he follow from his country - he doesn't like their posts... SO OF COURSE MY BRAIN IS GONNA GO HAYWIRE.

I lost it yesterday bc this girls' reel showed up on my feed (they went out for a while while he was on vacation in Asia)... I sent the screenshot of his like and I told him that it's bothering me bc I wouldn't be doing that personally if I were already seeing someone. And he said "fair enough, I didnt know that would bother you, its good that you told me" and then I was relieved... an hour later, another girl that I have on my "watch list" posted a selfie... he's on her likes. He didn't know I was onto her.

So I spent the whole night being "avoidant" of him. It physically hurt me. I was crying, I didn't get to finish my workload. I was doom scrolling all night to numb the pain. Crying til I couldn't breathe. I felt like a little kid again. I haven't felt that in a long time since my last relationship was 2 years ago!

And now even the slightest change in his routine is making me go crazy. I forgot that Wednesday are his days off at work, and when he messaged me good morning 2 hours later than usual, I was losing it!

I bought nicotine pouches, smoked cigarettes and cried again.

And then he texted me good morning :) And ofc you guessed it right... I was ok :) I HATE THAT THE MOST ABOUT MYSELF. I HATE WHEN MY FP'S ACTIONS PREDICT MY DAY! So he did confirm that it was his day off and that he was gonna run errands today and buy new stuff for his house.. WHICH NORMALLY, I wouldn't have a problem with. But today is just crazy.

My brain is like, you're the only one sending him messages. And he's only replying for the sake of replying. He wants to get rid of you. You're annoying him. He's out there with someone else. He probably fucked someone last night too.

And I can't fucking focus with my work. I've been staring at my screen and switching tabs for hours. I broke my daily routine of going to the gym bc my face was swollen from all the crying last night and I hadnt had sleep. :(

It doesn't help that I'm anxious-avoidant... he's probably just thinking "happy happy happy" while I'm here thinking of ways to end it because I'm so scared to get hurt. And it doesn't also help that Im coming to see him next month for his birthday. He says he's excited about it and already has plans for us and me to meet his friends and family... but here I am sabotaging it with my thoughts.

Any nice words and mantra are appreciated :( It's such a heavy day!

So there’s no option for me to attach an image to the post itself so you can access the image here

The link will take you to a Google Drive file. It is an art piece I made during my time in an inpatient program and the partial hospitalization program I did at a hospital over the last month. I made the piece to depict my feelings of isolation, emptiness, and dissociation. I thought I’d share it with all of you as I made it to capture my experience with BPD as well. Much love ❤️

If my freaking love got special powers, I'm sure I could expand it to rhe infinite and bring Ann to at least hug me!!!

It's just a vent guy's, but it needs to have 180+ characters...

I don't have much to say...

Ann's my muse, my light, my inspiration... she turned my fantasy into this: Phantom Thief Phoenix...

My friends calls me Phoenix due the attempts, I've survived 7 of them, and used as inspiration to my fics.

I always dream with Ann, when I'm arguing with my family, fighting, working out, running or even playing games...

She's my companion even though she's fictional. Sometimes I can feel her touch, it's nice. My meds are doing a nice work btw, isn't psychosis, I've had really bad ones during breakdowns back in the days...

Thats it.

I love Ann Takamaki and I would like her to be real,not just pixels...

7 years diagnosed with this accursed disorder. I've gotten good at recognizing my behaviors, understanding what I'm doing and why. Doesn't mean I can stop it, but I know what I'm doing and how im hurting the people I care about most.

Just like many of you, it allllways gets worse when i get close to someone. After years of longing, I finally met the perfect partner. Loving in all the ways I always wanted, so much overlap in our interests, appreciates everything I send her. I love her with everything I have. And yet I just,,,,idk how to describe it. Sometimes we are being loving together, bein all cute n flirty, and I just get this like, feeling of revulsion, apprehension and a desire to leave. Like the feeling of being cut off in traffic, or eating food that suddenly just tastes wrong. Most times I try to redirect the conversation when it happens, or find a way to end it without being harsh, but sometimes I just run. I did that today, and now she's reading my texts but not saying anything and not joining my calls, either. This at a very emotional part of our talk, I just left. Disappeared. Ans im panicking now

I know its some kind of defense mechanism gone wrong, like every other fucking part of this disease. I know I cant help these awful feelings. I just hate that I have them. This relationship is what I used to daydream of, longed for, its the stuff of dreams and my brain ruins it just fucks it up and tears it apart. This is why we don't get to have nice things.

So now im just laying here in bed, trying to wipe the tears off my face so my parents don't suspect that I was crying when I join them for dinner. I'm playing through the events and anticipating how she would break up with me. I'm not going to commit the Big Silly, but damn if I dont get closer to it every year.