We’ve known each other since 5th grade and I love him dearly. We’ve always found our way back to each other despite long periods of just losing touch and contact or whatever. We talk constantly, but his severe alcohol use and denial of it is making me rethink things.
When he’s sober, he’s hilarious, empathetic, and a great listener. He offers sound advice and honestly when sober is more mature than a lot of my friends. But now, I’m confused about what to do. I’ve been hanging up on him and removing myself from our phone conversations when I can hear he’s drunk (something I started noticing in Jan FROM FAR AWAY, especially when a man would want to sleep with him but rejected him for more than that etc) and driving. I’m not sure what else I can do. But here are some of the other behaviors:
He drinks beer constantly, goes to work super early just to leave early and start drinking, drives drunk regularly, and has been in accidents before. He is severely underweight (per doctor) and lives almost entirely on McDonald's/Domino’s/Checker’s etc and beer. He used to show up to work really late like at 11am and would drink before work (he accidentally disclosed this to me once, likely while drunk).
This weekend, his parents (he still lives at home) confronted him after seeing him stagger on their ring camera footage and told him he has a drinking problem. He vented to me about being accused of such but sort of was like “yeah yeah, I know you think so too, I already know what you’re going to say before I share what they told me.” So he deflects and he has agreed to identify with the “high-functioning” parts in the past. But usually he says, “oh well just because you don’t drink often, doesn’t mean everyone is drinking so much alcohol that they’re an alcoholic. I just have to be aware everyone has their limits.”
He is currently exploring his identity as a gay man and is heavy with his internalized racism (we share the same racial background, but he constantly takes jabs at our community and exclusively seeks validation from older white men). He spends hours drinking at breweries or hooking up with a man in their late 30s and 40s to feel validated, while completely ignoring his health, diet and safety. I can’t help but think these identity parts are all connected. They love his size and body and the way he is a really good listener when sober. He offers more grace to these men than me! I don’t understand how it developed. I’m a cishet woman so maybe I’m missing something here. I don’t want to be offensive.
Yesterday, he called after drunk-driving home and asked how my day was. While I was telling him about my day, I heard him typing and he shared that he was texting his 40-something “main man” of all the men on his roster, asking for phone sex — while still on the phone with me! I hung up on him. But I called right back to apologize yet I was still baffled by how he didn't get why it was disrespectful. He didn’t remember anything I said and when we talk and he’s drunk, I can’t expect him to remember anything. It’s impossible to have a convo then so we don’t. But he said he was sad because the guy allegedly said no and hates talking on the phone. And then said he can’t multitask in talking to me and waiting for the guy to call so he said he had to go.
When he’s sober, he’s hilarious, empathetic, and a great listener. But those moments barely exist anymore. I can tell he's drunk over the phone from 3,000 miles away (he’s in DC, I’m in LA), and watching him destroy himself while using me as a filler between his men is making me anxious for him, even resentful and also just completely turned off from alcohol entirely. I would drink socially but now it just doesn’t seem worth it anymore.
Like I said, I love and care about him. But I was so glad to hear his parents confronted him even if they didn’t do it in the best way (his dad is an alcoholic too so the presentation admittedly was a little unserious). I know he was depressed when we were younger and didn’t think he’d make it past like 20. He shared recently now that he has, he feels behind and especially behind the men he’s seeing. I guess I’m not too surprised he’s coping with this unhealthily and refuses to see his therapist.
How do I navigate my role as his friend who does love and care about him, and sees a lot of what other people don’t see, but is starting to feel the complicated feelings that comes with being friends to someone experiencing these struggles?
Like every time we talk, he’s coming from or going to a brewery, he’s driving drunk or he’s like burping disgustingly from the beer he just drank (sorry I’m just a girl lol) and on his way to save one of his men from doing something harmful, to be there emotionally and also to cuddle/make out or more. I’m just like … you’re drunk again?!! Idk anymore.