Basically my first girlfriend was very abusive towards me, but she wasn’t/isn’t abusive towards her ex and her current partner. She also appreciates things about him that I also had, that she didn’t appreciate about me
Basically it’s hard for me to put this behaviour on her and who she is, because her abuse was specific to me, and makes me think I brought it out of her. She’s not just an abusive person, and I can’t just tell myself that and that she would’ve done that to anyone. She was just abusive to me, so it makes me just hate myself. And because it was my first romantic experience, I don’t know if maybe I was the problem 😢
Like if I was just someone else she never would’ve treated me terribly. That it was me that was the reason of the treatment, not her. If I was her new guy she never would’ve done that maybe? I don’t know. But I met her in a very dark time in my life and she made it a thousand times worse
All the advice I see about abusive people doesn’t work for me, because all those stories are about people who abuse everyone, so that’s just something in general broken inside them, and that fact helps victims. But I don’t have that. All I have is self hate after it all, because the first girl to ever like me abused me, which at first just made me think I just got unlucky with a person who is abusive, and that it’s not personal, but then she showed me that she’s not even abusive to other people. She easily and voluntarily treats her bf the way I begged to be treated and she never could for me. So it was just me? I was so unlikeable she couldn’t help but be terrible to me? The abuse was because I deserved it? And now I don’t even know if it had anything to do with her, maybe every woman would treat me like that? It looked like she was mad at the fact that she was stuck forced to try to like me. Just the fact that I’ve never had an experience outside of her to compare makes me not know and scared to ever open up again
I don’t know if I can explain this right, it’s just such a complicated situation 😢. Has anyone ever experienced someone who was only ever abusive to you and no one else?
It’s so hard to try to start loving myself when I was just beginning my journey on that before I met her, and then I met her and no matter how good I was to her I was treated like trash, and then shown it was exclusive to me, so it makes me feel less of myself more than anything ever has 💔