r/onionheadlines Nov 04 '25

ZERO TOLERANCE for rule 2: single sentence headlines only

10 Upvotes

We've been pretty lenient in modering run on headlines, but this ends today.

You need to make your headlines shorter. You can always make your headline shorter. If you have a headline that's over 30 words, rewrite it. There is a way to make it shorter I guarantee you, and there is a way to make it one sentence. You just need to use the meat in your skull to figure it out.

Also, do not include pull quotes in your headline. For example:

Trump Claims He Will Soon Replace Americans With AI - “All They Need To Do Is Vote Republican And Cheer For Me, And AI Can Do That Better, And It Doesn’t Protest At All”

Adding a dash here does not make this a single sentence in the eyes of us mods.

You can put the pull quote in the body of the post, but keep it out of the headline. Any headlines formatted like this will be removed.

Also please avoid headlines that are just a version of Trump: "I Have Very Bigly Hands and I'm The Greatest Golfer and on and on and on for 50 words"

A Trump impression is not a headline. Do better.


r/onionheadlines 4h ago

MITCH MCCONNELL IS ON ETERNITY LEAVE

241 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 16h ago

Trump Reportedly Preparing To Pardon Andrew Tate And Appoint Him Director Of The Newly Created Department Of Toxic Masculinity

664 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 12h ago

Bedridden 101-Year-Old Mitch McConnell Still Fighting For Life, Hoping To Live To See Day When Trump Finds Enough Votes To Win 2020 Election

244 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 14h ago

Trump Declares That United States Will Commit Two War Crimes In Response To Every War Crime By Iran To Teach Iran Rule Of Law And Respect For Human Life

227 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 13h ago

Trump Says He Loves Money So Much That E Jean Carroll Taking Millions From Him Constitutes Sexual Assault And He Wants One Hundred Trillion Billion Dollars In Moral Compensation

187 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 4h ago

President Dunning-Kruger Still Doesn't Understand Percentages

31 Upvotes

“We’re delivering the largest prescription drug price cuts in history," said U.S. President Dunning-Kruger. "By a difference of 400, 500 and 600 percent reduction.” 


r/onionheadlines 9h ago

Trump Says He Trusts Saudis With Nukes After Making Him A Billionaire

55 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 4h ago

Trump Executive Order Now Taxes 600% Of Sexual Assault Payouts

18 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 5h ago

Mitch McConnell Is Doing Great

23 Upvotes

After his brief fight with gravity, which he unfortunately lost, old Mitchy boy is doing great according to almost no news at all.

McConnell lived a long life feasting on the fruits of the hard work of truly ungrateful people. Fortunately he won't pay a dime for the Healthcare he has received for the last...

...100 plus years I think. Maybe two, hard to say. It is great legend all know to be that Mitchy is a direct decendant of the ancient turtle space dwellers. He would brave the world as many days as a congress person has to work, which is like 70 or something, while not wearing his safety shell. In the few days every year (273) he found himself at home, he would find refuge in his shell and ask for true guidance.

It is in time like this where we should all remember the Mitchster as being totally fine and not at all dead.


r/onionheadlines 11h ago

Totally Normal For FBI Director To Be Called To Russia Just Before Election, Says Russia

63 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 14h ago

Trump Family To Start Coffin Business For US Militarily Contract Prior To Troops On The Ground In Iran

101 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 2h ago

White House Commissions Jim Henson’s Creature Shop To Build Replacement Mitch McConnell Animatronic

9 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 14h ago

Trump Imposes 80% Tariff On Islamic Republic Of Japan Claiming They Sold Him Subpar Hairpiece

55 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 9h ago

President Trump Enters Rehab For Tariff Addiction.

23 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 3h ago

Scientology Speedrunners Vow To Infiltrate Every Rehab Facility In The Greater DC Area Until They Find Mitch McConnell

6 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 5h ago

President Trump Convinced Mitch McConnell Possessed By Joe Biden

7 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 12h ago

Trump Claims Blue States Are "Two Weeks Away From Having A Nuclear Weapon"

29 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 9h ago

GOP Attempts To Hide Voter Suppression Law By Naming It Free Ice Cream For Everyone Act

16 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 2h ago

Explosive Diarrhea Lettuce Outbreak Revealed To Be Spinach Corporate Sabotage

5 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 4h ago

Trump Seeks Praise From MAGA Base As He Completely Destroys Iran Military For 8th Time In 3 Months

6 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 4h ago

Trump Asks Joe Biden To Manage Midterm Elections Since They're Always Unfair When He's In Charge

5 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 5h ago

Trump Claims Pretending That McConnell Is Alive Still Suits His Needs For At Least Another Two Weeks

6 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 5h ago

President Files Appeal To Get Back $5.8M In The Jean Carroll Case Because “I’ve Done Much Much Worse To Other Women”

7 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 12h ago

CIA Analyst Says Votes Trump Needs To Win 2020 Election Buried In Same Hole As Saddam Hussein's Weapons Of Mass Destruction, Obama's Kenyan Birth Certificate And Evidence Pointing Toward Real Killer Of Nicole Brown And Ron Goldman

22 Upvotes