Hi Reddit,

I’m a podcast host who is doing research in the community on ways “your village” offered meaningful support to you (or someone you know) during a heavy phase of grief or loss. After experiencing my own intense grief, it was my friendships that felt like my biggest lifeline. I wanted to use my own experience as well as others from the community for inspiration on how we can show up better as friends for those we love.

I’m wanting to know: What were some of the most impactful ways people have shown up for you? What was the most hurtful?

I’m hoping to compile an episode of ideas/ways we as friends or loved ones can offer support to someone we know is hurting.

Please help me below by sharing your experience 🥹🩷

- meals
- sitting with you in silence
- going for a walk
- cleaning your place
- inviting you out of the house

Why me and mom? I didn’t have anyone but her. I was prepared to live single , but with her. I cried sometimes about my life and I complained to her a lot that I was torn, I couldn’t travel to work and leave her and I couldn’t stay where I was and just keep going in circles while times passes by. She made the choice for me , she died. And now I keep living in these flashbacks. Last memories which were so painful and odd and the better ones. I thought I had so much time with her but suddenly I didn’t. I don’t know why her body started collapsing now.

My mom knew she’d die suddenly and I lived with the this thought. That her body was too damaged from all the depressive over eating and all the laying down… and her not going to doctors . It was like mom had a timer on, and I was living with her not knowing when but being certain it would hurt and shock me and leave me damaged and alone . She did not want to fix things because she believed that whatever she had was beyond fixing. But before she died she got checked and regretted not knowing earlier because diabetes had damaged many organs and especially the heart…. I was behaving like an angry teenager when I found out. I didn’t rush her to a hospital but kept asking her to do labs ( she was delaying ) and i made her do it and also I stayed with her off of work for two days and got her a doctor the same day she died. The doctor reassured me she’d be okay.

Then she died! I just can’t believe what happened sometimes I feel so scared. Other times I feel hopeless… that’s how I just continue to survive. I hate that I’m not living . My mom loved me so so much. I hate the petty arguments we had. I hate that she made me believe I was the reason her heart got sick…..- I was going through a dark phase wanting to make decisions for myself. I wanted to go out by myself and her to let me get used to doing things alone. That didn’t mean I didn’t want her in my life! I love my mom so much. I don’t know how to live without her two years after she’s gone and I’m 32

I’ll explain this a bit.

Back on the 11th, my little sister died, she was only 34, we weren’t exactly blood related but I considered her my little sister because I’ve known her since she was only a few years old (my father had dated her mother and known her since high school). she was sick for a long time with both Gorlins and CVS (i’ll explain that in the comments if need be) but on the 11th, her heart had finally given out. Her fiancé was the one that told me the day after she passed away and I’ve been completely heartbroken ever since. I’ve spoken to her mom as well, and we both pretty much sat on the phone for half hour crying together.

I’ve been going through constant grief for the last 29 years. This is one I can’t shake, and I find myself at some point in the last 11 days, counting today, completely breaking down more than once sobbing uncontrollably. Because I wasn’t blood family I wasn’t included in the obituary and most likely will not be getting any of her ashes, I’ve come to terms with that in some form but it’s still upsets me just thinking about it.

I just can’t get over losing her and I really don’t think I ever will, some say a part of you dies when someone close to you passes away, I’m a firm believer That’s absolutely true.

If you’ve read to the end, thanks for reading.

The everyday numbing ache has gone. Now I vary between confident highs and suicidal lows. I want to get back into life, beyond the "I'm surviving" mode. Some days it feels like life doesn't want me anymore. I've lost all sense of perspective. Setbacks that I know I should be able to just shrug off simply kick me in the gut now. Two in one day yesterday, and I just don't see the point anymore. I can't save myself. The support of other people is lovely, but it's not enough. It won't save me either. I knew this would not be something I would "get over," but I had hoped, after 1 1/2 years, that I would have recovered a bit of resilience. No such luck. I hate my current level of self-pity. I hate being so weak. But I've lost the strength to fight back. Feel like I'm going under, and the Baywatch crew are too busy flirting to notice me. Being alone sucks. Being alone with these feelings is too much.

my bf passed away, he did it to himself, i got the news exactly an hour ago, i got his sister to check up on him i’m just so fucking lost rn i don’t know what to do, it was online don’t judge and he had just gotten his passport cus we planned to meet finally, met him over a year ago. 19 fucking years old bro i have no clue what to do rn

I think my time's really up. I'm feeling really bad. I don't want to go to the doctor it's been 20 days of constant pain. I refuse to take my medicine after May 11th. I had a heart attack on my eighth I miss my angel so bad I just can't do it. I feel in my heart I don't deserve nothing either she suffered for a while without her medicine for her heart. She was doing so good the last couple months, too. And then she died, I can't bear this pain anymore, and it's guilt that she's Not here. It's just not fair. I don't know why we have to suffer like this I love my angel so much.I will find her that's a promise I can't do this no more.I won't

My older brother killed himself years ago, and I still feel panicked almost every time his memory comes up. Which used to be every day and is now every other day. He was a top level chef. He was also a skydiver, scuba diver, sailor and surfer. He was a mixture of gentle and fierce like we all are, but the last few years especially he was so very nice to everyone. He was hardworking and always helping his family and others. The last time I saw him he was helping me. I kissed him on the cheek while I hugged him and made him wait to leave until my 2 young boys could hug him. I had never kissed his cheek in my life. I don’t know why I did that day except I was overwhelmed with loving him. When I got the news. It was and still is a knife that I don’t understand. Everything stops and it’s like I’m looking at a gun. But I remember he had written in a journal that life was becoming less and less sweet. I often think about that as I am now older than he ever reached. And how much I would like to say goodbye to all the misery of this life. But I have kids, and a responsibility to persevere. I am resilient anyway, but knowing he left in what was probably such agony and loneliness just makes me panic when I think about it. So I can’t. And I can’t talk about it. I became estranged from my father afterwards for many reasons, but it’s been so hard to deal with the fact that I can’t think, talk, or do anything about it without harsh consequences. If anyone else is going though this, may you find peace.

Tomorrow is her birthday and I have felt a bit hesitant but generally okay all week. And then suddenly I’m sitting here sobbing and cancelling all of my plans. I just miss her ❤️ grief is hard, birthdays are hard, milestones are hard, life is hard. It’s all feels so hard without them in moments like this. I know it’ll pass and soon I’ll be able to grieve with some amount of joy while remembering her but damn, those waves sure are strong.

How has people get pass grief? Especially if it was sudden and yall were arguing before they past? Just want some opinions on how others did?

I lost someone to suicide a little over 3 years ago now. They committed suicide not long after we broke up. Throughout our whole relationship they would always make joke about how they would do it and because the jokes were so convincing i never believed they were serious. They began doing self destructive things which included cheating on me and it ended our relationship on really bad terms and i never spoke to them again. The only time ive spoke to them since then is in my dreams where im apologising profusely for not taking it seriously and telling someone and reaching out. The grief is so painful in the first year i would genuinely hallucinate in the street when someone would ask for directions for example that it was them and even 3 years later i spend late nights thinking about ending it all myself and i even know exactly what i would write into letters for my loved ones. My ex never left a note for anyone but id want everyone to know exactly how much I love them all. I’m in a relationship myself now and i couldn’t possibly imagine leaving my partner with the guilt i was left but i just can’t continue living with this grief and guilt anymore. I’ve been on almost every antidepressant and therapy there is but i just can’t handle the grief anymore.

I feel weird writing this but I need some advice. This is some delayed processing on my end but I really need support. In September 2023, my husband (now my ex husband) left me on a random Friday. He unilaterally initiated a divorce process and moved to an apartment he’d secured for himself … down the street. For some context, he’s Australian and I was his immigration sponsor, and a few days after he left, his green card arrived. The timing was super weird. I was heartbroken and pretty numb; we’d had arguments about his mother, who had been very abusive to him and me. Before he left me, he was wavering between getting trauma support for his childhood trauma, vs literally yelling at me that I’m the problem, “not his mom.”

Four months later, in Jan. 2024, his mother suddenly and randomly (literally completely out of the blue) was diagnosed with cancer and died ten days later. We weren’t even halfway into the divorce process; I’d known her and loved her for ten years. She often raged at me when we visited for “keeping her son in America” and I always tried to extremely thoughtful and compassionate toward her. My ex admitted to a couples counselor that his mom was “the family bully.” Our final visit to Australia was awful; I was hospitalized for Covid and she was so angry that I was sick that she stared going through my social media trying to find things to start fights over. So, I temporarily unfriended her; she was outraged and my ex husband wouldn’t do anything to say like “hey let’s cool down,” it was very hard.

Basically I became the “bad object” in the family and my ex husband not only excluded me from any of the information about her death but also the funeral and obituary. The exclusion was so noticeable and hostile that friends of his parents reached out to me to say that they knew how much I loved her and that they were sorry to see the family treating me that way.

My own family of origin and friends were super dismissive as well; they said “she was horrible, f her, don’t shed a tear over her, just move on. Good riddance.” I was in a weird double-shock from adjusting to life without my husband, and then her sudden death. To this day no one has told me what happened and what things were like. I almost feel my ex husband blamed me for her death, which I know is unfair - he blamed me for a lot of his family dynamics and was veering back and forth trying to figure out what he needed. I’ve read that a lot of dysfunctional families will pin blame on the most “outsider” person, especially a woman (and especially if said woman has rocked the boat, which I did by unfriending her - though it was never meant to be permanent and I was trying to prevent her from starting conflict and combing through my personal info).

I feel immense regret. Like maybe I should’ve called the funeral director. Maybe I still can? Would I email them? I feel I don’t have a right to talk to my ex husband’s family though some have been very kind to me, like his sister. I’m supposed at how some of my friends have responded especially over time - saying stuff like “well he lost his mom.” I was like “I lost my mother in law; I wasn’t some random girlfriend or something. I called her Mum. I was literally triangulated into almost every conflict and he used me as a shield. I feel really horrible and alone.” Folks just say “yeah it sucks, he had issues with his mom that he took out on you.”

Where do I turn?

Grief is a splinter.

Suppurating subcutaneously.

Inundated by what used to be

and what could’ve been.

Submerged in scar and once-soft sinew.

Sleeping softly,

silently, sometimes—

But it’s always there,

begging to be bumped into,

Startling sorrow from its sullen

slumber.

©️~HKK~

Preferably one that relates to playing cards, she was an older woman who played cards/dice all the time with her sisters, and we lost her suddenly. I am trying to make something for my Granny, one of her sisters, and need help with a quote that pertains to the thing they all loved to do the most, spend time together and play cards/dice. Thank you!

Today marks 9 years since my dad died from cancer. I noticed that around 4 years after he passed people stopped checking in on me, on birthdays (his mainly), holidays and the death anniversary. I was just wondering if this is something other people have dealt with? I don’t expect people to check on me all the time and I check on others. I also understand moving on with your life but it’s still kinda sad.

The last time we spoke was in 2021. I was in a negative space, just like I am today. His last message to me was asking how I was doing, and I told him that I was at work and asked what was up. He said he was just seeing how I was doing and what time I would get off work. In response, I told him the time I get off and that I'm just feeling lonely. I told him I wanted nothing more than to hang out with a girl and my friends from time to time. He checked the message but never responded. On my other Facebook account, the last time we spoke was in 2022. Still in a negative space, I let him know that I finally got a car. I wished him a happy birthday on November 22, 2022. It was his twenty-fourth birthday. He was a month older than me. Then, finally, the last message I sent him was a song that I made. I've sent him two messages since then, pretty much asking him to watch over me from heaven and to pray for me up there. I think about him from time to time. I never thought that I'd lose my friend the way I did. I moved away and we couldn't really properly connect. So I actually didn't get to see him for years. But we stayed in contact as much as we could. We could have done better. My friend died the worst way possible: shot in the back of the head in front of his kid and his girlfriend. He was med-flighted; he was DOA at the hospital. I regret to this day not speaking to him more. He was my best friend. I have so many fond memories of him, from going out and walking the city at night to smoking resin while walking down the street in Roanoke, VA, long before marijuana was legal and long before we were of age. I met him at 16; I'm now 27. When I think about it, I still cry, just like I am now writing this post.

I never thought that something that happened years ago would still affect me today.

I just wanna say I miss you, Matthew. You were my brother, you were my best friend 😥

Personally it's been nearly three years since my last relationship. Im tired. I've started listening to my head more than my heart. I've learned how to survive in the real world and take care of myself more than anything. It's hard when you want to be happy but circumstances have really made you place a guard on yourself.

If anyone has any advice that would be much appreciated.

The days seem to be flying. I'll be 26 in 7 months. I miss you dad. Nothing's been the same since you left. Some days are tolerable I go to work,come home and go to sleep. Other days I just wanna crawl inside the casket next to you,go to sleep and not wake up. I've had my heart broken twice since you left. The thing that has been keeping me going is the cardinals I see,remembering the sound of you feeding the chickens and dogs every morning,the sound of your laugh...every little detail I try to remember. Till we meet again I'll keep trying to survive for you.

My mom died on my 39th birthday. The last words she ever spoke was happy birthday, I love you. My 40th birthday is rapidly approaching, and I overheard her talking to my dad about planning a surprise party for it. The thought of putting on a happy face and pretend that im not still hurting is too much to handle at times.

We lost my father on July 2nd, and it's just now starting to hit me that he's really gone and not coming home. It feels like he's on a business trip and will be coming home, and every night I have a dream with him in it (sometimes a nightmare, sometimes he's just in a normal dream), and when I wake up from the dream, I go through the "he's not coming home alive" thought, and get sad again.

He was in the hospital for 18 days with pneumonia (and was sick prior to going in the hospital, but refused to go to the hospital), and luckily all of my siblings and mom were there when we put him on hospice and he passed.

It was especially hard because he had emergency surgery about a week before he passed, and my siblings came home because the surgeon was positive he would be on a ventilator for at least a day, but could be up to a month. However, the surgery went fantastic, he did really well for a day and a half, was never put on a ventilator, and started coughing up the crap in his lungs (which was what the surgeon wanted). My siblings went home, and had to come back a few days later because he went downhill so fast. We were so sure he would get better after the surgery that it was almost cruel that he didn't.

The grief comes and goes still. Nights are really hard, and I am talking to a therapist, who says grief isn't linear, and little thoughts and memories will trigger sadness. I just want my brain to register his passing, even though I was there when he passed. If anyone has any tips on books, diaries, etc. that can help me through this, I would be grateful. I have a feeling after we have his memorial in August it may feel more consistently real, but I don't know. I want him and his humor back so bad...luckily we have great memories of him, which helps.

Sorry for the long post...my brain isn't working great lately and I'm not getting restful sleep, so things are foggy.

Grieving Someone or people Who Is Still Alive

We talk a lot about grief when someone dies. We understand the sadness, the memories, the empty space they leave behind. I am still grieving a loved one even after 20 something years.

But what about grieving someone who is still alive?

Sometimes you have to grieve a parent who is no longer the person you remember. A friend who became a stranger. A partner you had to walk away from. A family member you can no longer have a relationship with. Or even someone who is still in your life, especially this when you have to face the people maybe if they are a family member you see them at a function ***sigh*** its the worst, but the relationship has changed so much that it feels like you're mourning what you once had.

There's no funeral. No goodbye that everyone understands. No flowers. No sympathy cards.

You just wake up one day and realize that you're grieving a person who is still somewhere in this world. Personally I have what people like to call "slaming the door," it rarely involves a loud, dramatic outburst. Instead,  I typically shut the door softly, permanently closing a chapter to establish strict boundaries. I am a peacekeepers, but once I reach my limit with disrespect or unreciprocated effort, I will cut you off completely and move on without looking back. I have even moved cities before , because of a person we shared even friends And perhaps the hardest part is that other people don't always understand your grief. They might say, "But they're still alive," as if that means you aren't allowed to feel the loss.

Have you ever had to grieve someone who was still alive?

How did you come to terms with losing a relationship, a version of someone, or a person you once knew even though they were still here?

This morning i had a dream.. of my grandma in the old room we shared. my mom was there too. My grandma was on her ipad, as she used to always do. She had on one of her comfortable big tshirt and modest shorts combos. her hair was down to her shoulders.. short and efficient. Just how she liked it. she had her glasses on that made her eyes a little big. she was smiling. They were both talking. I walked towards our shared room, and my mother turned towards me and told me that mama (grandma) was going back to our home country. I asked her "for how long?" You know.. because she’s been there and back before.. but my mother just said "forever". then they looked at me with a certain look that tells you when someone is waiting to see how you’ll react. Almost like they were anticipating me to be very sensitive. To cry. At this point, it hit me that i was in a dream. It was so lucid. I hesitated for a while before i ran up to hug mama. I rested my head on her lap. Arms were wrapped around her. I dont think i cried. i remembered telling or asking her if this is what she truly wanted and if it would make her happy i think that she should do it. i remember apologizing to her. For how cruel i treated her. There were days when we’d yell at each other from the top of our lungs. Perhaps i did most or all of the yelling.. but Sometimes i would tell her i wished she was dead and she’d say she wants to leave and go back to our home country because of my behavior and id say something like "i dont care go back then." It broke my heart remembering this because i was great at piercing people’s hearts with my words and sometimes she would sob.. as did i from anger. Albeit, we were the best of friends. I was more comfortable sharing stuff with her and asking her vulnerable questions. I listened to her more than anyone. Because of this, she was able to strike my nerves the most.. and then i woke up. and then she was gone again. that dream was the last time i had held her. I tried so hard remembering the dream all morning that i began playing sad songs just to commit to the surge of emotions and memories. I sobbed. I miss her so much. It isnt fair that she passed away the day before i had to walk across the stage to receive my degree. I was supposed to visit her for the first time in a decade a week later. it’s not fair.

My father passed away 3 weeks ago, he was healthy nothing was wrong. One day he felt fever and went to the hospital, 3 days later he was gone. The last day before he died the doctors told us that the situation is hard and there is no response, I ran to my car and cried there then I came back.
I don’t want any body to see me cry.
At the end of the day he passed away. We buried him and I cried a little there. But I showed no emotions until now, I don’t know is my brain blocking this am I in denial.

It’s been 32 years. When I was 7 years old my friend was murdered. Lately I’ve been thinking of her a lot. And just crying. She was just a little girl. It was so unfair. And now that I have kids I think of how her mom must have felt and I wonder how her mom is doing today.

It's been 10 years since I lost you. You were the woman that changed my life...got me sober and helped me to learn to love myself. If I only knew how much you didn't love yourself. I remember the exact moment your last breath left your chest as I held you crying out to a god I didn't believe in to take me instead. 10 years later a woman starts my job that looks exactly like you. Same hair...same face...same voice...even her laugh makes my heart sink. I never got over losing you but I was starting to live for you and now I'm quitting my job abruptly that I love because every time I see this woman it makes me want to scream out to you. Back to square one