Why me and mom? I didn’t have anyone but her. I was prepared to live single , but with her. I cried sometimes about my life and I complained to her a lot that I was torn, I couldn’t travel to work and leave her and I couldn’t stay where I was and just keep going in circles while times passes by. She made the choice for me , she died. And now I keep living in these flashbacks. Last memories which were so painful and odd and the better ones. I thought I had so much time with her but suddenly I didn’t. I don’t know why her body started collapsing now.

My mom knew she’d die suddenly and I lived with the this thought. That her body was too damaged from all the depressive over eating and all the laying down… and her not going to doctors . It was like mom had a timer on, and I was living with her not knowing when but being certain it would hurt and shock me and leave me damaged and alone . She did not want to fix things because she believed that whatever she had was beyond fixing. But before she died she got checked and regretted not knowing earlier because diabetes had damaged many organs and especially the heart…. I was behaving like an angry teenager when I found out. I didn’t rush her to a hospital but kept asking her to do labs ( she was delaying ) and i made her do it and also I stayed with her off of work for two days and got her a doctor the same day she died. The doctor reassured me she’d be okay.

Then she died! I just can’t believe what happened sometimes I feel so scared. Other times I feel hopeless… that’s how I just continue to survive. I hate that I’m not living . My mom loved me so so much. I hate the petty arguments we had. I hate that she made me believe I was the reason her heart got sick…..- I was going through a dark phase wanting to make decisions for myself. I wanted to go out by myself and her to let me get used to doing things alone. That didn’t mean I didn’t want her in my life! I love my mom so much. I don’t know how to live without her two years after she’s gone and I’m 32

How has people get pass grief? Especially if it was sudden and yall were arguing before they past? Just want some opinions on how others did?

Tomorrow is her birthday and I have felt a bit hesitant but generally okay all week. And then suddenly I’m sitting here sobbing and cancelling all of my plans. I just miss her ❤️ grief is hard, birthdays are hard, milestones are hard, life is hard. It’s all feels so hard without them in moments like this. I know it’ll pass and soon I’ll be able to grieve with some amount of joy while remembering her but damn, those waves sure are strong.

Preferably one that relates to playing cards, she was an older woman who played cards/dice all the time with her sisters, and we lost her suddenly. I am trying to make something for my Granny, one of her sisters, and need help with a quote that pertains to the thing they all loved to do the most, spend time together and play cards/dice. Thank you!

Grief is a splinter.

Suppurating subcutaneously.

Inundated by what used to be

and what could’ve been.

Submerged in scar and once-soft sinew.

Sleeping softly,

silently, sometimes—

But it’s always there,

begging to be bumped into,

Startling sorrow from its sullen

slumber.

©️~HKK~