I’ve communicated to my husband that I don’t enjoy having sex with him after he’s been drinking. I’ve said it in many different ways over the last 2 years or so but I don’t feel heard. I said it again yesterday and honestly don’t think he had anything to drink yesterday. However, he had to work this morning and there are now 3 beers gone from the fridge that were there when I went to bed last night. Maybe beer for at work or the drive home… who knows.

I have so many ill feelings about when our now teenage daughter was a baby/toddler and I trusted her in his care while I was at work. It breaks my heart thinking about her just sitting there or playing mostly alone, when he could have been interacting with her more. “Did he drink before picking her up from school?” Still go through my head and will probably continue until she starts driving herself.

He’s never been abusive, or mean, or anything. But he isn’t himself when he’s drinking. I can just sense it by the way he talks, his sentences trail off, the look in his eyes, etc. He is very much functioning but I still hate it.

Over the years, the lies about drinking were a bit factor, and the smell, the sloppiness, have all become a wall to intimacy between us. I really WANT to be intimate, to feel the physical connection again, but it’s become such a block that I can’t seem to get over.

I realize that ultimatums are not a healthy way to support an alcoholic or the spouse of an alcoholic. But is it an ultimatum to have a personal boundary that I cannot have sex with him unless he’s sober? I’m not sure how to even approach this. He doesn’t hear me when I say it and I feel that if I truly put my foot down, he will just lie about being sober.

Any advice or just support would be so appreciated.

For 40 years ive watch my dad drink. He lost his wife 3 years ago due to alcoholism. I held my step moms hand why she took her last breath. Now he is entering the last stages and my heart just breaks. For context my dad raised 2 children in a generation where single fathers weren't recognized. Hes always even now the most generous and kindest person ive ever known. Hes an amazing grandfather who my adult and teen children are very close too.

Unfortunately he let the alcohol win. I cant wrap my head around it, I cant accept losing him. I am lost. I know the pain hes about to go though I know the end results. Im broken

(Please excuse my errors im in a highly emotional state)

I understand that alcoholics claim to not remember what they do/ say while drunk. Meanwhile, the people that have the pleasure of dealing with them are developing PTSD and experiencing anxiety/ panic/ heart palpitations at the sound of our phones ringing/ buzzing from texts, as we try to forget the insults/ accusations/ physical abuse hurled towards us. Do they not look back at the heinous texts they sent? Does it not hit them in a moment of clarity/ non drunkenness the morning after, how abusive and selfish they were the night before? I would be mortified to discover having sent abusive texts to someone during a moment of inebriation and would say sorry/ ask for forgiveness. If someone told me that I pulled a knife on them, trashed their house, beat them, cut up all of their clothes, I would fall to my knees at their feet most likely. But what do we get? Crickets chirping. I guess I'm having a hard time trying to decide whether it's the alcohol that makes my sibling act shitty towards us, or whether he was always just a shitty person who held these thoughts close to his heart and the alcohol only exposed them? Thanks for reading.

About two years ago, I knew that he had something of a problem. He was unpleasant to be around when he had been drinking, and I had asked him to cut back and the cutting back never stayed. After we had a big long talk then, he said he would just stop drinking and as far as I knew, he kept to that.

I found out yesterday that he didn't. We had been trying for a baby, and I got pregnant (it's/would be seven weeks today). Yesterday, I started bleeding heavily and went to the hospital, and it really seems like a miscarriage is very imminent. He went out for a drive to clear his head last night, and came home obviously altered. I asked if he had drunk any, and he said he had two and it was the first time since he stopped. I was disappointed, but decided to let it go and something still felt wrong so I went to look in the outdoor recycling to see what I would find. I found three empty 12 pack boxes, a tall boy 6 pack, lots of cans etc. I came in and (not my finest moment) told him he's a liar. Asked him to show me where he kept it and he pulled half of another 12 pack out of the back seat of his car.

I went to my parents' for the night, and this morning I have been searching high and low. I've found so much. Tote bags of empty cans in both of his vehicles, tons of empty ZYN tins (i didnt know he did nicotine either. F***). I have his keys still, we're going to sit down and figure out what the plan is in a few hours once its a little later and he's slept more of it off. He's very apologetic, and swears he can stop but i know now he's an alcoholic and a liar so I don't know if I can trust him.

I feel like I have lost both my baby and the husband I thought I had all in one day and I'm crumbling.

Local Al-Anon has a zoom meeting today at 10, so I'm probably going to go to that. He knows he needs help.

But he works a very blue-collar job and I know his coworkers are the reason he started the ZYN pods thing so I don't know if he'll ever be able to break away from it.

I don't know what I need but I need...something.

BF and I (both 29) have been together for 8 years. Drinking didn’t feel like an issue when we were 21, but over the years since moving in together it’s become increasingly difficult.

I love BF very much, he’s great at his job, and overall isn’t outwardly very destructive. The main issue is that as soon as I’m not around, he maximize every opportunity to be able to drink. This means after work (service industry), he’s coming home at 3-4am every night, when he rehearses or plays with his band, he’s coming home drunk, out with his friends, coming home drunk. Basically whenever he leaves, he comes home drunk. I feel conflicted bc all those things are fine on their own, but the compounded effect of him coming home drunk nearly every night over years and years has me at my end. I feel repulsed when he crawls in bed smelling like booze, and generally just don’t like him being around him when he’s drunk, whether it’s 2 beer or 20 I just feel turned off and irritated.

Obviously there are many times in which these outings did become messy, because once he starts drinking he doesn’t stop. A couple rock bottoms were hit over the years and we’ve had several conversations about figuring it out, cutting back, etc but ofc it never lasts. He knows he has a problem and has often expressed heavy guilt and regret, but ultimately is still in denial and thinks he can find a way to control it.

I feel bad because I’m holding so much resentment from years of dealing with his drinking that I get so triggered whenever he makes the choice to drink even when the situation seems more “reasonable”. Because everything feels affected by it, even if there’s no tangible destructive evidence: when he’a hungover, he doesn’t contribute to the household chores, he doesn’t wanna do things, etc. He’s too low on cash to take me on dates, but can go get drinks and drunkenly order uber eats every night after work. There’s like a whole ecosystem of resentment.

I feel emotionally distanced from him because I love him as a sober person but have to be around the drunk version of him nearly half the time. We’ve been talking about getting married but I’m honestly not ready for that until he can truly demonstrate a desire to get a drip. Is this as bad as it feels?

My partner of 6 years has had on average a relapse every 2.5 weeks for the last 12 months, prior to this we had broken up for about 9 months and I took my dog and just left. Things got worse for her. A LOT worse,

Time went on she reached out we got back together I was moving anyway and she came with me

Shortly after her little brother came to live here too as he couldn't stay with mum as she's also in active addiction and can't care for him. I'm now his foster carer.

It's a dry house, no one comes into the house under the influence, no one uses any substances in it either. (I've no history with addiction and can consume drink healthily if I choose to and don't consume other substances anyway, however I have always remained completely sober when with her)

Alcohol isn't her substance of choice but I couldn't find a sub for other substances so I hope this is okay

Anyway I hit my limit of giving out chances and I'm genuinely gutted because this wasn't the way things were supposed to go. She's currently still living here and we are not really getting on but I won't see her on the streets so she's applying for places on her own, the mental health team have said basically 'its your own fault' to her and drug services haven't been involved at all, she calls when she relapses, gets told someone will call her back, they never do or when they do they say 'what do you want us to do about that?'

Her grandma is mad at me for asking her to leave because I'm supposed to support her and love her but she also won't allow her to go there either because she can't cope with the baggage that comes with living with someone you love and watching them destroy themselves

I don't know what my goal was posting this

I'm just worn out and upset and needed to vent to people that understand

Most of my friends have no patience for the topic because they've been telling me to leave for years

But it's easy for them to say that when they only see the addict and not the person underneath

I just feel so helpless and lost right now

I regret the boundary and putting it in place after threatening it numerous times, I know things are just going to get worse and worse

But realistically everything was just so unsustainable without changed behaviour that she evidently isn't willing to do

Anyone else? It’s hard to have a connection with someone who drinks till they pass out everyday.

I am grateful that in Al-Anon, through the Traditions and the principle of participation in Concept Four, I am encouraged to voice my concerns at business meetings. By practicing these principles, I discovered that when I find the courage to speak up, I can contribute meaningfully and sometimes make a significant impact. —“If I Am Aware , I Am Responsible ,” p11 The Forum July 2026, Copyright ©️ 2026 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

I don’t have to like everybody, but I want to look deeper to find the spirit that we share in common. —Courage to Change p204 Copyright ©️ 1992 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Al-Anon has taught me to concentrate on myself and to discern what I really need to do for me, not what I “should” do. That might mean going to a meeting, or it might mean something else. I need to remember that Al-Anon is a gentle way of life, not a military drill. —Hope for Today p204 Copyright ©️ 2002 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

There is room for growth where there is mutual respect and trust. —Reaching for Personal Freedom, quoted in A Little Time for Myself p204 Copyright ©️ 2023 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Sometimes I think the whole world revolves around me, but the program is there to remind me that it doesn’t. When people don’t treat me the way I want to be treated or do things the way I think they should be done, I’ll remember that everybody is entitled to their own opinion. I know what I believe about myself. I’ll use the program today to be comfortable with that. —ALATEEN—a day at a time p204 Copyright ©️ 1983 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

for the people who have partners specifically, what made you finally leave.. majority of my family growing up were alcoholics and it was normalized but never in a million years did I think I’d get into that situation.
I married a closeted drinker. when it’s good it’s great but it’s been a cycle of really bad to good. Emotionally I’m exhausted. We’ve only been married less than a year, thankfully no children.
I’m sad to say I’m just waiting on the day something even more drastic happens that I’ll just have to let go of the idea of a normal relationship. I miss myself and him before all of this happened. people have been telling me to give him more time but I’m not sure how much time that will take?
For now I plan on doing things for myself & feel excited about that part. I’ll be thankful for any type of response 🫂

my bf (26) and i f(25) have been together for 8 years and have a 3 year old daughter. he has been addicted to drugs since i met him, when i first met him he was doing pain pills but never multiplie times a day, it gradually grew in size on how much he would consume in a single day to dozens in a week. he has tried a lot of pain pills (oxy, morphine, hydro, perc, etc) also suboxone, fent (fake blue pills) and now kratom. he OD on fent in my arms after he told his mom and promised her he would sell it(he bought the stuff off reddit) , she gave it to him and he did some and it took 7 narcan to bring him back, but he doesn’t seem to care. he is so mean to me ,whether he has taken anything or not. i have told him for years that i love him and the things he does (drugs, verbal abuse, emotional distress, disrespect) hurt me. he just doesn’t care about it, doesn’t care about anything at all. i know he loves our daughter and i but doesn’t show it in the ways he would’ve years ago. he is always in a bad mood, even on a decent day he is still always upset about some shit. when i call him out on his behavior, all the things he says to me and how he talks to me, he plays victim and says this is why he should die, how worthless he is, etc and it seems as though he is manipulating me because i have to apologize to him when i do no wrong in the moment just because he is making me feel bad for telling him how he hurt me. i am not innocent, i can start arguments and not be very kind to him, but as a whole, i 7/10 lash out because of built up tension and anger from the way i am treated. he has told me vulgar things multiple times as well as saying he hates me, regrets me, i ruined his life, that he regrets having a child, etc. i have and have always had, long before i have known him, struggled with severe depression and anxiety, i have diagnosed BPD, MDD, bipolar 1. i am medicated and have been for years, on and off trying different meds. i do not drive (no permit) and it’s a struggle to work. i freak out when things don’t play out the way they do in my head, so when i expect him to understand and care and he doesn’t, i lose my mind. he is a gaslighter, a manipulative and narcissistic person, says i take no accountability, that i’m the problem in almost EVERY argument or situation we are in because i am “boring” and “stupid” as he says. he also makes me uncomfortable about sexual things, makes me feel bad for never wanting to do anything with him. i am so attracted to him, i love him very much, he is my first everything. although i love him, i simply can’t express or fathom the words to describe how uncomfortable i am about sex. he treats me like SHIT over it, and i just want to feel loved and respected by him, i am romantic and physical touch and small kisses on my forehead, etc all things a girl really wants from her boyfriend, he doesn’t do. he will try barely, it just doesn’t feel right. he says that i disappoint him because i don’t want to have sex, also said once in a fight that i’m only good for my vagina. he has hurt me so deeply and when i tell him his drug use makes me so sad and heartbroken, that his family feels the same way, he turns it around on him saying how is it fair that he HAS to be miserable sober for his family and loved ones to be happy. sobriety is not easy, can’t force someone to get help, i’m aware, i lost my brother to OD 2 years ago. the thing is though being sober and sobriety is something you have to FIGHT every single day and WANT to be better for yourself first and the ones you love who love you. he doesn’t want that, he really does NOT care. i don’t want to break apart our family, he is a good dad to our daughter but that isn’t enough. i don’t know what to do or how to do it, i don’t know if there is only hope for our relationship anymore as he is always so annoyed at me (i like showing my interests, my shows,something on my game etc) he doesn’t care, not one bit, barely looks up from his phone and gives the “oh yeah” “that’s cool” “hell yeah” but when he shows or mentions an interest of his, i listen and watch what he says or shows. i cry myself to sleep at least 4 nights a week thinking about it, but if i mention it to him, like i mentioned earlier, he takes no accountability. is my relationship a lost cause? he thinks of me so poorly and treats me that way, i damn near feel like a door matt. how do i go about trying to get him help when he doesn’t want it? has drugs altered minds so much that they’d rather do drugs than save $ and be present in life with loved ones? i don’t know what to do anymore, i am so heartbroken and burnt out. please tell me someone has experienced this.

i grew up in a family where no one drank alcoholfor religious and cultural reasons. On both sides ofmy family, drinking just wasn't part of our lives. Growing up in North America, I was obviouslyexposed to it, and I had my fun with it in university, but now I don't really drink at all. I'm now in my first serious relationship, and mypartner comes from a family where alcohol is anormal part of life. They'll have wine with dinner, drinks at family gatherings, or a drink on the weekend. They do sometimes drink excessively and get drunk for no reason and that’s when I get uncomfortable.

Intellectually, I understand that not everyone was raised the way I was, and I know my perspective is shaped by my upbringing. I don't hate alcohol, andI don't judge people who drink. But I also genuinely don't understand the appeal. Even if someone isn'tgetting drunk, I still find myself wondering, "Why are you drinking? What's the benefit?" If it's not a birthday , a celebration, or another special occasion, I don't really see the point. That's just my personal philosophy. Lately I've been thinking more about what this means for the future, especially if we have kids. I know we're raising them in North America, where alcohol is a normal part of the culture, and I don’t expect my kids to never have a drink. At the same time, I don't really envision alcohol being a regular part of family life the way my partner grew up with it. I'm trying to figure out what healthy compromises look like in relationships where one partner doesn't drink and the other does.

If you grew up similarly to me, how have you navigated this? If you have kids, how do you approach alcohol in your home? Do you set boundaries around drinking? Do you let your kids drink when they're older? Has this difference in values caused issues in your relationship , or has it become a non-issue overtime? I'm genuinely looking for perspectives from people who have lived this, especially those who grew up in non-drinking households but built a family with someone who drinks socially. How did you think through it, and what has worked for you? This version focuses the discussion on your future family rather than whether alcohol itself is good or bad, which is more likely to get thoughtful advice instead of arguments about drinking.

sorry if this isnt the best page - im happy to hear better communities, im new to posting on reddit.

Just found out my son who suffers from alcoholism got released from the hospital. A friend did a wellness check yesterday and cops took him to the ER. His blood alcohol level was .49 when he came in. He was kept overnight and released later this morning. He doesn’t have insurance. I thought hospitals had counselors that could sign him up for Medicaid. I think he would qualify but I also know he’s not ready to stop. So, he may have denied help. It’s so heartbreaking when you realize you can’t force someone to get help. He was already drinking again when he called me.

I won’t get into all the details because that would take forever, but basically I’m concerned about one of my friend’s (I’ll call her D) drinking habits. We’ve known each other since high school and are in our mid 20s now. Our entire friend group likes to go out and have a good time which sometimes includes bars or other drinking activities, especially during college and in our very early 20s. D has always been the more frequent drinker among us but it was never really at a point where I’d consider it to be a problem for the first several years of our friendship.

Fast forward to a couple of years ago when I was visiting D for about two weeks and I noticed that she was either drinking or smoking weed almost everyday. When she would get home from work, she would either have a few shots of tequila, take enough weed to get her pretty high, or both. I sorta thought that was an unhealthy behavior but she was never drunk/high at work, never drove under the influence, or anything reckless like that. On the other hand, she became extremely angry, argumentative, and unpleasant to be around although never got into physical fights. She would constantly get into arguments with her husband over stupid shit and just ruin everyone’s mood. Other times she would pick a fight with me or someone else in our friend group which, again, just spoiled whatever good time we were having.

I’ve been friends for her husband for a very long time as well, since before they started dating, so I reluctantly brought my concerns up with him. He said he also had similar concerns and would try talking to D about it since now those concerns were also coming from a person outside of their relationship. The times I hung out with D after that, it seemed like she wasn’t drinking quite as often but she was still getting high almost every day.

Most recently, I went on vacation with D and her husband. On the first day of our vacation, she wasn’t able to get the day off from work so she ended up working remotely on the flight to our destination. She had 4 shots of liquor during this time. I made comment about her drinking while working (albeit remote working) and she just brushed it off by saying that the alcohol helps with the motion sickness she gets while flying and that she’s drinking to enjoy her vacation. D spent the rest of our vacation getting drunk every day and starting more stupid arguments with either her husband or myself. She would wake up the next morning super hungover, feeling nauseous, with a pounding headache, etc. which made the vacation less enjoyable because we had to start our days later because she couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t do some activities because they would worsen her headache or nausea, and so on. There was one night when we went to a comedy show and she kept heckling the comedian because she was drunk which was extremely embarrassing for me. Speaking for myself, her behavior while she was drunk 100% ruined a vacation that I spent a lot of money to go on and, more importantly, was looking forward to for a long time because I wanted to spend time with two of my closest friend that I don’t get to see very often.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation? I’m honestly not even sure if D actually has a drinking problem or if I’m just blowing the situation out of proportion because I don’t like the way she acts when she does drink (although writing this post gave my some clarity on that tbh). I want to talk to her about my concerns but I also don’t want to sound like I’m trying to preach at her about how she should live her life. I’m also worried that if I do basically accuse her of being an alcoholic, it might ruin our friendship.

It's been a tough week. I told myself I was going to stop giving so much of myself, to stop trying to be vulnerable in front of my husband (Q), thinking I could get through to him. But it's like he can feel me pull back, and he keeps digging until he gets me to open up to him.

Then it turns into a fight, even though I was just trying to explain how something made me feel. He made me think he'd actually care if he just understood. I knew better, but I still tried.

Sleeping in my car in the driveway, because I don't have anywhere else to go. I don't know what I'm going to do in the morning, when he has to take the car to work. I just feel so done.

I left my Q 3 weeks ago and this has been one of the toughest times in my life by far. It’s like all my self-confidence flew out the window these last months and I feel like a shell right now. I can’t wait to do all the right things, get to therapy, and finally feel whole again though.
I’m incredibly aware of my own psychology and yet I’m still a prisoner to it. Aren’t we all though? It’s like I knew her psychology better than mine and it’s weirdly convinced me I can just never be mad at her.
The other day I was researching trauma bonding and narcissism and other therapy videos. I partly forgot that she was still logged into my YouTube on her TV and she saw that. Of course she retaliates and types in “Dating narcissist boyfriend” into the search bar so that I’ll see it next time I use YouTube. I know she’s just trying to hurt me and I don’t even know why I’m letting it. She’s not a narcissist and I know that but I was just going down a hole of researching the topic. I don’t even know why I even feel bad she saw it but part of me is so sad that maybe the last impression she’ll get of me is that I could easily sum her up to be a narcissist. I guess I just never wanted her to think I’m spiteful or hateful because that’s just not the case. I guess I also just wanted her to fully apologize someday and I know I’m going through my own mental crisis but what if she never realizes I was only trying to help the entire relationship because of this? I logged her out by the way.

I know this is really unhealthy but it’s like, why do I care so much about someone that continuously is trying to harm me after the relationship? She demanded all of the gifts she gave me back once I broke up with her and I care that she saw I was looking up narcissism? I haven’t contacted her in 2 weeks but man, this has been hard.

I know the obvious answer is hey you can’t control what people think of you. But man I just wish she could know that I know she’s very mentally unwell and I would never hate or judge her for it.

since leaving my boyfriend last week, I’ve been an emotional wreck. sometimes I catch myself thinking I’m making the right decision, it’s gonna be ok, I’m putting myself first, I deserve more, I’m going to just focus on my hot girl glow up & then the next thing you know, I’m crying just looking at the couch where my bf used to sit. I cry looking out my window up into the clouds, in the shower, when I look in the mirror, before bed and in the morning. why the fuck does God allow such an evil disease to take over the people we love. It’s not fair. I’m just so angry but so sad at the same time. I love this man so much. He was my everything. The person I truly thought I was going to finish this life with. I’m trying to be strong but all I wanna do is run right back into his arms..

Seriously fuck alcohol and drug addiction.

Hi everyone, I’m in a new relationship with someone who consistently drinks at least 3 beers every evening, usually more.

It doesn’t seem to impair him in anyway, he doesn’t change personalities, or have any noticeable impacts on him. For some reason I’m still uncomfortable with the amount.
Does this sound like something to bring up as a dependency?

I don't even know what I'm trying to get out of writing this honestly

I found this subreddit a few days ago and I think part of me is just relieved that somewhere like this exists because nobody in my actual life really knows what's going on and I feel like I've been carrying around so many thoughts for so long that maybe I just need somewhere to put them. I honestly think I'm probably going to keep coming back here whenever something happens even if it's just to get everything out of my head for a little while.

I'm twenty and I have a one-year-old son and a few weeks ago I found out that I'm pregnant again and his dad still has absolutely no idea.

From the outside my life probably looks normal. I go to university, I spend time with my family, I post photos of my son and everyone just assumes we're another young couple trying to figure life out.

What nobody knows is that my family has absolutely no idea about his drinking.

And when I say that I don't mean that they know a little bit and don't realise how bad it is. I mean they genuinely don't know anything. They see the funny version of him, the version who sits at family dinners making everyone laugh and carries our son around for hours and helps me with university when I'm stressed.

They don't know about the nights where I wake up and realise he isn't home or the arguments that somehow always seem to happen after he's been out. They don't know that I've become weirdly good at telling the difference between him being genuinely tired and him sleeping half the day because he drank too much the night before.

And I hate admitting this but sometimes I feel like alcohol has become this third thing in our relationship that's always there even when he isn't drinking.

Because most of the time he actually isn't drunk.

Most days are normal. Most days he's genuinely a good partner and an amazing dad. When I was pregnant with our son he stopped drinking completely and stayed sober for months. He helps with our son, he helps me study and there are entire weeks where I convince myself that maybe things really are getting better.

And then something happens and suddenly I'm back where I started.

He goes out with friends. He comes home different. He sleeps for ages. He wakes up with headaches and acts irritated all day and we end up arguing over stupid things that somehow turn into huge fights.

And I spend hours wondering whether I'm overreacting or whether I'm actually underreacting.

I think that's why I feel so alone because people hear the word alcoholic and imagine chaos every single day and that's not really what my life looks like. My life looks normal right up until it suddenly doesn't.

And somehow over the years I've started changing too.

Sometimes he'll hug me and I'll hug him back but part of me just feels tired in a way I don't even know how to explain. Not angry and not heartbroken exactly. Just exhausted.

And then I feel guilty for even feeling that way because I knew him before all of this. Before his friend died. Before the depression. Before alcohol became part of our lives.

I still remember who he used to be and I think that's part of the reason I'm struggling so much because I don't sit here thinking that I need to get away from some terrible man.

I sit here wondering what happened to us.

And now there's another baby involved except he doesn't even know yet.

I already struggled with the idea of raising one child while trying to finish university and now I keep thinking about nurseries and sleepless nights and whether I could actually do this alone and whether he would stop drinking if he knew and whether any of that would even matter in the long run.

I don't know what answer I'm looking for anymore.

I think I just needed to tell someone.

And maybe now that I've found this place I'll stop trying to carry all of it by myself.

Warning this will be long but know it’s the best I can do to keep it condensed..…..

I packed my stuff and moved in with a family member and out of the home I was living in with my husband and mother in law. We have been together 15 years, married for 1.5. We drank daily our entire relationship. The past 5 years his drinking got worse, progressing into day drinking, then drinking at work. Effecting his behavior so much so that he got fired from his job around 2 years ago and was at home with nothing else to do but drink. Since then the 3 jobs he has gotten he only worked at for about a week before quitting. He can do that since we moved in with his mother 3 years ago so she would not be alone after his father got dementia, so we had minimal bills.

October 2025 his drinking was so bad that he knew he had a problem and tried “weaning” himself off. One night I had to call an ambulance due to him throwing up blood from a bloody nose where they kept him for 3 days due to high blood pressure and many other issues. The hospital stay helped detox him and the whole household stopped drinking completely for him.

He stayed sober for a few months but then he would decide to go shopping on his own and start drinking again. Anytime he left the house alone he would sneak alcohol. I would catch him and the cycle would continue. Month off, drink for a week or 2 until he drank too much one day and we would have a blow up fight saying the nastiest things to me. Worrying his poor mom sick with his problems.

My final straw: we got in a fight 2 weeks ago, he was drunk. Stayed up all night drinking and when I woke up to get ready for work he had his bags packed. I told him if he left, I won’t be there when he decides to come back home. This would be the second time he took off to go binge drink alone in a hotel room.

He left and I called my best friend who was off of work that day and she came right over. I had all of my stuff moved out by the same afternoon.

He drove 2 hours away and stayed in a hotel for 5 days with no contact to anyone. On day 6 his mom and sister were ready to file a police report or wellness check so I texted him telling him to let me know he was ok or we were calling the police. He called me right away saying he wants to come home but doesn’t know how. He ran out of gas and I needed to “take an airplane” to come get him. We only have the one car so I left work and me and his sister drove the 2 hours with a gas can. Found the car in a Home Depot parking lot with no gas and a dead battery.

I was able to get the car running and picked him up. Drunk as can be talking nonsense. His mind has been slipping more and more when he drinks. I dropped him off at home, took the car and went back to my new home.

His mom needs my support. We talk atleast twice a day. She gives me updates about how he’s doing, how crazy he’s talking and acting. Raging, staying up all night whispering to himself. I told her he is still drinking but she doesn’t really believe it, where is he getting it? She checked his room while he showered a few days ago and sure enough there is an empty bottle of Jack Daniels in the room. He’s only contacted me once since I dropped him off at the home because he knew I would know he was drinking. Talking about how much he misses me but he’s not asking for anything. He knows he messed up.

Today I get a call from the mother-in-law that he decided to go to detox. He went to her and said he needed to go somewhere or else he was going die. His sister took him to the rehab. It’s only a seven day stay for $7000. After he left, his mother started going through his room and found multiple empty bottles of liquor. Jack Daniels, vodka, spiced rum, plus a few others that were half full. Plus some beer. Plus the cooking wine bottles empty. He went through all of that in just six days.

I left because I feel he chose alcohol over me. We of course, have our other problems in our relationship that the alcohol just made worse. I feel like I can’t do anymore for him. I can’t take anymore verbal abuse from him. I’m empty. I’ll be 33 next month. We haven’t been able to have a child due to the drinking. We’ve been trying for six years at this point I feel like that’s a blessing. I’ve given enough of my life away to somebody who is not very grateful for it. I know he loves me and I love him, but I don’t know if that love is enough. I know that nothing will really change if I go back and I will always be watching him and looking to see when he’s gonna slip up and I don’t wanna live like that. Mother-in-law is making me feel guilty for leaving. She thinks me being there will help him control himself more. But I had to remind her that I have always been there, and that has not helped him.

I also feel guilty because I feel that I’m abandoning him when he needs me the most. He doesn’t want to be this way.

It feels good to write this out somewhere. I’ve been reading posts in this group and it’s been really helping me. Not really sure what the future is going to hold at this point.

Reposting with corrected typo in title

You can find my previous post here for context: https://www.reddit.com/r/AlAnon/comments/1srt3m5/mother_has_become_a_living_nightmare/

I'm having a really hard time with my feelings of guilt for going no contact and not inviting her to the wedding. To the point of considering reaching back out to her. I have been kind of spiraling the last week and a half about it.

I'm not really sure why, as I reflect on it my mom did and said a ton of awful things, even outside of what I included in that post. But, there was some good too. I went to her place for Xmas after a really bad break up 5 years ago and it was nice. she set up a room for me so I could bring my cats too.

There is also the aspect of my fiancée. She sat me down the other night because she has seen me hurting, we have been talking about it too. But she basically sat me down to tell me that she really thinks that if I reach back out that I will just be hurt and disappointed again. She was practically begging me not to. I need to stay strong on this for her, but man it is hard.

My step mom and I also chatted about it and she pretty firmly told me I need to keep mom out for the sake of my fiancee, if I want to reach back out to mom after the wedding, fine, but I need to keep my barrier up until then for the sake of my future marriage. I know she is right, I dont want to add stress to my fiancee because of chaos on my side.

I had an aunt I have been talking to about this ask if I was inviting some cousins to the wedding. I initially was not planning on it to kind of minimize the odds of things going back to mom and more damage there, I also hadn't spoken to these people in at least a decade. But after some thought I decided it may be nice to reach out, reconnect and explain the situation to them. I did, but now that is also causing me even more anxiety because I will have more family from her side there, but not her. I don't want to hurt her more than I already am, I am kind of debating rescinding those invites.

The constant anxiety over it is just killing me though, like its hard to focus on literally anything else. Work, games, times with friends, hell even sex sometimes. I dont know why I am like this, I wish I could just block her out, get over it and move on but thats so hard.

I am not really sure what caused this recent resurgence in these feelings, I was honestly doing pretty great and then these last couple of weeks have been really bad.

I am not planning on reaching back out, but I dont know what it is in me that is just screaming to call her and try to reconcile. But I also really dont think that is going to go the way I want it to.

I have my bachelor party this weekend, I really want to just try and be present and focus on having fun this weekend.

I am 32 years old, study law, and work for the city hall.

My husband is 31 years old and comes from a family history where his grandfather was an alcoholic and died of cirrhosis, and his father, now 48 years old, is bedridden in diapers and hallucinating because of drinking.

My husband drinks every day and says absurd things to me when he is drunk. I help him, his grandmother, and his father, taking care of them and everything they need.

I have been talking to him and asked him to stop drinking, well, at least during the week. He says he will stop, stayed 4 days without drinking, and then it all went back to the way it was. He is on medical leave from work because he broke his arm, and he has been treating me like I am the nagging one in the relationship who demands too much.

This is breaking me, consuming me. I am the villain in a story that I am carrying entirely on my own shoulders, I feel exhausted, and I have the urge to give up on everything, absolutely everything.

I love him so much, but I am drained.

I am looking for advice on how to step back from my long-distance best friend. We’ve known each other since 5th grade and I love him dearly. We’ve always found our way back to each other despite long periods of just losing touch and contact or whatever. We talk constantly, but his severe alcohol use and denial of it is making me rethink things.

When he’s sober, he’s hilarious, empathetic, and a great listener. He offers sound advice and honestly when sober is more mature than a lot of my friends. But now, I’m confused about what to do. I’ve been hanging up on him and removing myself from our phone conversations when I can hear he’s drunk (something I started noticing in Jan FROM FAR AWAY, especially when a man would want to sleep with him but rejected him for more than that etc) and driving. I’m not sure what else I can do. But here are some of the other behaviors:

He drinks beer constantly, goes to work super early just to leave early and start drinking, drives drunk regularly, and has been in accidents before. He is severely underweight (per doctor) and lives almost entirely on McDonald's/Domino’s/Checker’s etc and beer. He used to show up to work really late like at 11am and would drink before work (he accidentally disclosed this to me once, likely while drunk).

This weekend, his parents (he still lives at home) confronted him after seeing him stagger on their ring camera footage and told him he has a drinking problem. He vented to me about being accused of such but sort of was like “yeah yeah, I know you think so too, I already know what you’re going to say before I share what they told me.” So he deflects and he has agreed to identify with the “high-functioning” parts in the past. But usually he says, “oh well just because you don’t drink often, doesn’t mean everyone is drinking so much alcohol that they’re an alcoholic. I just have to be aware everyone has their limits.”

He is currently exploring his identity as a gay man and is heavy with his internalized racism (we share the same racial background, but he constantly takes jabs at our community and exclusively seeks validation from older white men). He spends hours drinking at breweries or hooking up with a man in their late 30s and 40s to feel validated, while completely ignoring his health, diet and safety. I can’t help but think these identity parts are all connected. They love his size and body and the way he is a really good listener when sober. He offers more grace to these men than me! I don’t understand how it developed. I’m a cishet woman so maybe I’m missing something here. I don’t want to be offensive.

Yesterday, he called after drunk-driving home and asked how my day was. While I was telling him about my day, I heard him typing and he shared that he was texting his 40-something “main man” of all the men on his roster, asking for phone sex — while still on the phone with me! I hung up on him. But I called right back to apologize yet I was still baffled by how he didn't get why it was disrespectful. He didn’t remember anything I said and when we talk and he’s drunk, I can’t expect him to remember anything. It’s impossible to have a convo then so we don’t. But he said he was sad because the guy allegedly said no and hates talking on the phone. And then said he can’t multitask in talking to me and waiting for the guy to call so he said he had to go.

When he’s sober, he’s hilarious, empathetic, and a great listener. But those moments barely exist anymore. I can tell he's drunk over the phone from 3,000 miles away (he’s in DC, I’m in LA), and watching him destroy himself while using me as filler between his men is making me anxious for him, even resentful and also just completely turned off from alcohol entirely. I would drink socially but now it just doesn’t seem worth it anymore.

Like I said, I love and care about him. But I was so glad to hear his parents confronted him even if they didn’t do it in the best way (his dad is an alcoholic too so the presentation admittedly was a little unserious). I know he was depressed when we were younger and didn’t think he’d make it past like 20. He shared recently now that he has, he feels behind and especially behind the men he’s seeing. I guess I’m not too surprised he’s coping with this unhealthily and refuses to see his therapist.

How do I navigate my role as his friend who does love and care about him, and sees a lot of what other people don’t see, but is starting to feel the complicated feelings that comes with being friends to someone experiencing these struggles?

Like every time we talk, he’s coming from or going to a brewery, he’s driving drunk or he’s like burping disgustingly from the beer he just drank (sorry I’m just a girl lol) and on his way to save one of his men from doing something harmful, to be there emotionally and also to cuddle/make out or more. I’m just like … you’re drunk again?!! Idk anymore.

I 26m and my now maybe ex Gf 22F have been seeing eachother for the past year, we met on TikTok and since she lived a couple states away would visit from time to time, she has been using alcohol and abusing it since she was 12 to cope with sexual abuse from her father when she was little. At first I didn’t really think it was a problem since it wasn’t every day , other then one time last summer when while I was in the shower, she somehow downed 4 cans of alcohol, blackout on my balcony and then in the middle of the night pissed all over my floor and didn’t know where she was.I let her stay with me for 2 months before she decided to move here a couple months ago. In that time I have caught her lying to me while she was drunk, I know when she texts me while drunk it’s super slurred and incoherent, I have brought up to her that it’s a problem and that the next time she did it I would be done as I can’t be in a relationship with someone I don’t trust, well last Sunday we were out at a casino with my buddies and she ordered a vodka Cranberry, not wanting to make a scene in front of my freinds I said it’s no big deal but the rest of the night I was honestly really upset, I took her home after and said I needed space, well the last 2 days she has definitely been drinking as her texts show it, I brought it up and it’s the same thing as always , the same excuse as to why she abuses alcohol again. I’m not mr perfect and there are ways that I have not been there for her , but I try to, I live a healthy life , working out 6 times a week etc. I tried calling her and texting her last night but was left on read until 3 am when she texted asking to call me , we’ve argued all morning about her abusing alcohol again and then blaming it on the past with her dad, and yes there are ways I could have been more supportive but right now I am just really upset after all I’ve done for her financially and emotionally, she let me down again, I’ve forgiven her 6 times always hoping she gets help, and yes she has been in a few zoom calls for alcoholism it just never seems to be enough. I don’t know if this is it but I just am at the end of my rope and am so hurt about being deceived and lied to multiple times. The times where she isn’t abusing are good times but then when she goes back to her apartment she abuses again, as far as I know her mom right now is helping her financially and she just got fired from her job as a nanny because she didn’t show up and lied about being in the ER. I’m so tired of being let down and lied to due to her inability to stop using, what to do?

Until you make yourself a priority, you will keep waiting for someone else to make you theirs.

You will keep giving more, understanding more, forgiving more, and accepting less than you deserve, hoping that one day they will finally choose you.

But you cannot build your life around waiting to be chosen.

Make yourself a priority. Not because you don’t love them. Not because you don’t care. But because you matter too.

You can love someone deeply and still stop abandoning yourself for them.

The moment you begin choosing yourself, you stop begging others to see your worth.

After 50 years of heavy drinking my sister in law has been diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver, a severe hiatal hernia, erosion of the esophagus, and a variety of other physical and mental problems.

I didnt have much of a reaction to this because I got into AA and AlAnon 36 years ago and I have seen the same script play out many times before. Slow motion suicide and social isolation. Just like cancer, heart disease, and all the rest. Fortunately, she and her husband never had any kids.

She is so mean and conceited that I would never think of 12 Stepping her. Her primary care physician tried to refer her, but she would have no part of it.

Back to the script. She is moving on to controlled drinking to deal with things. Putting on the brakes. She also mixes non-alcoholic drinks for herself so she can keep up with her drinking buddies on the surface.

There are just some train wrecks you can't prevent or clean up after.