I think my sister may have posted here previously looking for resources or advice related to my situation. I’m now at a point where I feel ready to ask for help myself.

Please be kind. This has been incredibly difficult to navigate, and I’m genuinely trying to figure out what options and resources are available to me.

I was in a relationship for almost a year with a Presbyterian pastor. The person I experienced privately became very different from the person I initially knew and the person others seemed to know publicly.

During the relationship, I experienced escalating sexual boundary violations, coercion, and ultimately an incident that I experienced and reported as sexual assault. There were also broader concerns involving dishonesty, sexual health, manipulation, and accountability.

He also personally disclosed a number of troubling stories to me about his past behavior with other women. I cannot independently verify those women’s experiences or speak for them, but some of what he told me became much more concerning after what I experienced myself.

I reported what happened to law enforcement and also to the Presbytery. The Presbytery’s process is ongoing and understandably slow. I do believe they are taking my report seriously and trying to investigate the situation responsibly and thoroughly while caring for everyone involved.

I will admit, however, that because of my upbringing in the LDS Church, I have some hesitation about placing all of my trust in any religious institution to protect women when allegations involve men in positions of authority. That is not an accusation against the people currently handling my report-they have treated me with care so far. It is simply part of why I want to understand what independent resources and options exist outside of an internal religious process as well.

I want to be able to speak honestly about my own experience because telling the truth and having a voice matter deeply to me. I also worry about other women potentially having similar experiences, and I want to use my experience to advocate for and support other women. At the same time, I want to do this responsibly. I don’t want to dox anyone, encourage harassment, interfere with an ongoing process, or speak for other women. I also want to understand my rights and any legal or privacy considerations before deciding whether, where, or how to speak publicly.

I’m specifically looking for resources related to:

• Survivor advocacy organizations that help people who want to speak publicly or share their stories
• Attorneys or legal organizations that can help survivors understand their rights and considerations when speaking publicly about their own experiences
• Ways survivors can share their experiences publicly or anonymously
• Journalists or organizations that responsibly work with survivors when allegations involve clergy or someone in a position of public trust
• Independent advocacy, accountability, or reporting avenues outside of religious institutions
• Anyone who can help me think through whether, when, and how to speak publicly in a responsible way

I’m especially interested in Utah-specific resources or connections including survivor advocates, attorneys familiar with helping survivors understand their options for speaking publicly, clergy-abuse advocacy organizations, or journalists who handle these stories responsibly. National resources are also very welcome.

I’m intentionally withholding more information and identifying details because my goal is not for anyone to identify or investigate this person. I’m looking for legitimate resources and guidance about my options.

If you have been through something similar, how did you find a way to tell your story? Did you work with an attorney, victim advocate, journalist, survivor organization, or someone else before speaking publicly? Are there organizations specifically designed to help survivors navigate this-particularly survivors dealing with clergy misconduct or abuse?

I’m not necessarily sure yet what “speaking out” will look like for me. I just know that I don’t want fear or uncertainty about how to do it responsibly to be the reason I never get to tell my story.

Please be kind, and thank you to anyone who can point me toward specific resources, organizations, or people who might be able to help.

TL;DR: I was in a nearly year-long relationship with a Presbyterian pastor and experienced escalating sexual boundary violations, coercion, and an incident I experienced and reported as sexual assault. I reported what happened to law enforcement and the Presbytery, whose investigation is ongoing. I’m now looking for resources to help me understand my options for safely and responsibly speaking out, sharing my story, advocating for other women, and protecting others-including survivor advocates, legal resources, journalists, clergy-abuse organizations, or anyone who has navigated something similar. Utah-specific and national resources are both welcome.

I know that a lot of people in this sub have left religion behind after what they went through, and I completely respect that decision for those who choose it. My story is a little bit different, and I hope to share it anonymously here.

I was in a several-month long relationship with someone much, much older who positioned themselves as having spiritual authority and special knowledge of God’s will. I was a baby Christian when we met, so he was able to really influence me at the time. Very early on, he would tell me things like how the Holy Spirit showed him that I’m his wife, and that rejecting him meant rejecting God. I did not feel comfortable being in a relationship with him nor was I really attracted to him, but I was impressionable, and felt obligated to based on the things he had said.

As a result, I stayed with him for months out of fear that if I left, God would punish me. I was experiencing severe anxiety over it. I was struggling to focus in school or engage with friends or hobbies. He told me that I have a free will and could leave if I wanted, but I didn’t feel that way because of the other things he would say. It wasn’t love, it was a lack of discernment and spiritual maturity responding to repeated subtle coercion.

He would also insist on intimacy, which I did not want or feel comfortable with. I told him that the Bible takes a clear stance on premarital sex. Admittedly, at the time, there were instances where I tried to make myself enjoy it and was successful to some degree, but deep inside I knew it conflicted with my personal values and beliefs and was not something I was okay with.

He’d either try to justify it by saying he believes that I’m his wife and we’re already “married in the spirit” (whatever that means, marriage is NOT a unilateral agreement) or he’d pray with me saying sorry, only to continue with it later on. He also really tried pressuring me into marrying him so that we “wouldn’t have to worry about it”.

I finally broke out of that relationship a couple months ago and he seemed to be accepting of it, but he recently messaged me about what he’s up to. I blocked him afterwards because while I am in the process of trying to forgive him in my heart, I don’t want to see or hear from him ever again and want that boundary to be clear. I’ve been a little paranoid that he will try more drastic measures of contacting me as a result.

Despite the anxiety that lingers, the haunting flashbacks of what I went through, and the shame I still carry, I am so glad I made the decision to leave. Now, I’m still attending an amazing church regularly and learning more about what God is really like, and what He is not. I’ve learned a lot from this experience, and hope I can now truly embark on my healing journey.

I have noticed it trys to get into everything it makes me doubt I know what I know I this want to do what I want with those who I care about I don't want the thoughts or anything to do with that cult I left I have to whenever walking somewhere like my close dollar general there is church that I left and even more of them around me it's annoying I have to pretend stuff like one I walk by is odd gas station or something or this look to right

It feels so annoying beacuse it this seems like it won't stop I keep trying to remind myself that I don't want it and how I know my life will be better because I am not in it

Low contact with my mom for the past 5 years. I reached out again because im newly disabled and wanted to check if this illness was hereditary (its not). First conversation in a while went fine. Practically normal.

2nd conversation... all her tinfoil hat medical opinions come back out. I keep having to shut her down cuz Im already overwhelmed and upset by all the medical stuff happening in my life. Shes a bit more receptive now than to 5 years ago. Its something. Alludes that me getting disabled is due to me not being Christian but thats like whatever. Was kind of prepared for that

What really gets me is the things shes telling me about her life now.. she told me about some "healing" she has been going through. My mom grew up abused her whole life. Im very aware of that and it colours so much of her. She was abused by her family and then my dad. Shes been having dreams about my dad and his abuse, so she goes to church about it.

She told me, the healer stopped her in her tracks with this question. "Have you repented to god for choosing the wrong man?" She tells me with such reverance, as if her eyes are finally opened. Like shes been touched by god. Like she realised the answer to life. The answer, the whole time, was that it was her choice and her fault for being abused.

My heart broke so fucking bad. She didnt pick my dad. She got sold to him and then abused for 30 years. And now shes just like this. She can never escape being blamed and victimised and being treated by this religion where she has to grovel and diminish herself to her sins. Its so awful. Im so sad for her. Im so sad that she finds such fulfilment in a life where religion treats her that way.

The whole call she was... so loving to me, but in her own, hurtful way. I can tell she misses me a lot and is so goddamn lonely. Shes so hurt and lonely and broken, and thats why shes so hurtful.

She'll never change or be okay. Ive tried for 10 years. I dont know why I keep talking to her. I can never change anything but I keep going back. Its because she makes me so sad. I feel so bad for her.

Im so fucking upset by this. I feel like an idiot for going back to her. If I tell any of my loved ones about this they'd just admonish me because they know what shes like. I stopped talking to her for a reason.

But I feel so bad for her. Shes so hurt and lonely.

I spent almost all of the small amount of money I received from my grandparents on New Year’s Day buying cleaning supplies, and I lived my life cleaning the house.

I couldn’t even properly afford the things I needed for school or go to the hospital when I needed to.

Children are heavily influenced by their parents, so naturally, from the moment I was born, I had already been made to join my mother’s cult religion, and I was often taken to religious seminars.
My aunt and my grandparents were also believers.

That cult religion is a very large organization. It has branches in America and Europe, and its followers genuinely believe that people who do not believe in it will go to hell. I will not mention the name directly, but it originated in Japan and is known as “Gakkai”

In reality, it is an organization that collects small amounts of money from a large number of followers through various methods, such as selling museum tickets, concert tickets, newspapers, and receiving donations, while only the central organization benefits financially.
I think it is a cunning method because it is less likely to be considered illegal than simply forcing people to buy expensive products.

It truly makes me sick.

Returning to the main point, I felt a strong sense of sympathy for my brother.
My mother, my aunt, and my father are already beyond saving, and there is nothing I can do to rescue them. But he is younger than me.
Even though he is younger than me, he is suffering much more deeply than I did, and he cannot even put into words what is causing his pain. I felt sorry for him.

However, I now live in Germany with my husband, and I am not close enough to immediately go and help my brother.
Also, I cannot destroy my own life in order to save him.
Simply put, the cost of traveling back to my hometown is too high.

That is why, for the past several days, I have been searching for books at the library about my brother’s symptoms, watching videos to learn more, calling him, listening to him as kindly as possible, and trying to guide him in the right direction.
In reality, he has improved significantly. He is currently taking a leave of absence from work and traveling.

Fortunately, compared to when I first spoke with him, his symptoms have calmed down. He no longer suddenly turns conversations toward religion, and although his responses are sometimes slow, he has become able to respond in ways that connect to what I am actually saying.

However, my brother suddenly said to me,
“By the way, I think it was wrong that you insulted our mother’s appearance.”
I became slightly irritated.

The extent to which my mother emotionally hurt me over many years is something that cannot be measured.
Until I became an adult, got married, and changed my last name, even just seeing my own name reminded me of everything. I suffered, had nightmares, and even after moving and changing my environment, I felt as though I was constantly being dragged back into that filthy, dark family home.

So why would my brother, who does not truly know those things, say something like that to me?
Thinking about it made me angry.
My brother spent his high school and university years living away from home. Not only does he know nothing about the period when I suffered the most, but my mother favored him.She did not allow me to go to university, but she gave my brother extensive support.

My mother was willing to spend her time and money for my brother.

On top of that, I remembered things I had buried and forgotten after distancing myself from my family home.
Sometimes my brother joined my mother in insulting me. He also insulted my appearance together with her, and he looked down on me because of my educational background.

The moment I remembered that, I thought,
“What was I even expecting from my family?”
I lost sight of the meaning of helping my brother.
What would it actually accomplish?
Even if I help him recover and he becomes normal again, he might just look down on me again.

At the same time that I feel sympathy for my brother, I am surprised to find a part of myself feeling like, “They got what they deserved,” when I see the current state of the family I once had.

Wasn’t this all the result of his own choices?
When I listen to my brother’s story, I realize that, at least, he is not in a situation where he can be considered completely innocent or only a victim.

My past self and my family members now.
There is no doubt that they are responsible for how things became this way, and I simply made my own choices step by step and escaped from that terrible place.

I was not saved because I prayed, and religion did not save me.
In the past, I thought society was such a cruel and heartless place.
But now I understand why.

The people who truly need help often do not look like people who deserve to be helped.

I was curious if anyone has other experiences on this. Religious beliefs tend to focus a lot on being perfect whether people admit it or not and not being prideful, cautious of the heart. Basically over time any sort of fear, feeling, anger, attractions, all got thrown out of the window because I was prideful and couldn’t trust my instincts. It eventually caused my mind to have on specific feeling all the time, which feels like a robot. Usually my past attempts to fix this were overthinking, forcing suffering, or control. I even thought if I lost control of the feeling it would go away so I spend a lot of time compulsively daydreaming. I now am trying to feel my chest and body to sort out the pain and it is a little more successful. One thing just confuses me is that I feel more “present” when I am in the feeling of perfection/performance and maybe a little more distant when I day dream. But usually the one specific state of perfection causes me to get burnt out and shut down. Is it possible that going to a state of feeling or daydreaming and noting what happens in my body may lead to a different outcome rather than trying to perform. I’ve found success trying to listen to my body when I feel like I am in a “perfect” state so maybe when I am in shutdown finding a different way to deal with it somatically might help. I guess I am just confused because I thought disassociation was like disconnecting with my emotions but I feel a little more in touch when I am maybe daydreaming vs performing. But neither state really has targeted a core emotion like loneliness or anger. It’s usually just a shame cycle of bouncing back and forth between states. It’s hard to explain, all of th

^EXCUSE ME FOR MY BAD ENGLISH^

I grew up in a Middle Eastern country with a muslim family, since I turned 13 and I started having weird thoughts, I started questioning everything about religion even tho when I was 12 (and younger) I had a great faith in god and I believed in everything my parents told to me to believe and I just tried to be the perfect muslim all the time and even tho art was the only thing I truly felt alive while doing, I cut it off when I heard it’s haram in Islam to draw faces (which is pretty much what I did), but when I turned 13 I had more access to the internet and I met lots of people from different cultures and experience and I had these ideas of doubt about what I truly believed in, and when I started questioning and asking my parents about things and orders in Islam that don’t truly sit with me they just got mad and shouted at me, and they never had an answer. Even when I tried asking religion men they would pretty much have the same answers as my parents, they don’t have an answer all they say when there is no answer “god knows better, stop your thoughts and doubts about religion it’s all because of satan” that’s when deep down I stopped believing in god. But I was so traumatized and scared of punishment and I felt truly disgusted about myself because I stopped believing in something that once was my everything, something that once I could give my soul for. I kept reading and doing my research to know the right path, but nothing felt right, leaving islam felt like betrayal for my younger self and for my parents and for the non existent god I grew up relying on, meanwhile staying felt like I’m betraying my own identity now and lying to myself before lying to anyone else. I was so trapped at the age of 13-14. 6 months after my 15th birthday was when I completely knew that I’m an atheist. It was when I confessed to myself that I no longer believe in god and I can’t lie to myself more than that, I even stopped doing my research and reading too much about faith in god and Islam, because I got to the point that I’m not even scared of punishment, I truly knew I stopped believing in hell, heaven or any kinf of “life” after death. Even tho, I still wear hijab, and my parents still think I truly believe in the god they believe in, and here starts my PROBLEM, accepting the new me by my parents is the last thing they are likely to do, I might even go through abuse if I told this to my parents, I felt so heavy that I can not even express myself to my closest one so I told one of my closest friends, I can still remember the shock on her face and how she looked at me disgusted then she yelled “you are out of your mind, you are going to hell ! I can no longer be with you at this point” I was so traumatized because of her reaction and asked her “are you starting to hate me ?” She just looked into my eyes coldly and said “more than you could imagine, I expected better from you” and she just left. That was the first and last time I confessed that I am an atheist.

And since I live in the middle east and I am a girl, I can fo absolutely nothing! I can’t go out even to the supermarket, I only get to go out with my family for a family dinner or something like that, and I can not wear what I want or take off my hijab, ( I remember one time I told my mom I want to take off my hijab, she looked disappointed but she told me I can do it if i wanted, but i never did it because I’m too scared of the society reaction, and I’m too scared to face my relatives and friends after this)
And what makes everything worse is when I see my American or European friends’ posts about going to concerts with their friends and having fun and wearing teenager clothes I always dream of wearing, coloring their hair and having a bf/gf. I don’t want to sound like a bad a person, I mean I really get happy to see my friends living a free life and being able to express themselves and experience their life without being in a cage, but there is always this side of my who wonders why not me ?
I feel so disgusted by the sexism and fake peple in the society I live in, and how everyone is judging ypu for doing a basic human right, and I feel even more overwhelmed when no one in my society could understand how I feel, sometimes I just wish I was like my parents or friends and never questioned anything and just be happy with the life I have and still have faith in god, but I can’t help but feel so out of place and think everything is wrong, I don’t think it is the perfect life to live with my parents forever and be their property until marriage so I can be my husband’s property and have no choice or freedom just because I’m a woman, and I can’t stand the idea of the need of being covered all the time from head to toe while men can wear whatever they want, and many more and worse..
I hate how I spent my teenage years between 4 walls and not being able to go out if I’m not with my parents just because I’m a girl, while every other teenager in other countries get to go with friends and experience new things and make memories, and I hate how I never get to move out and experience life by myself, all I can do is go to school, the go to college, the get married and raise my husband’s kids. I will never get to live a love story, or go out with my friends to a party, or wear the clothes I wanna wear, or even go for a walk by myself while air plays with my hair, or the most important.. I will never get to express my own opinion and let my family or close friends or any one in the world know the real me.

Insanity.

I never thought I'd be writing something like this.

I lost my father a few years ago. After he passed away, my mother started working at an Ayyappa temple so she could feed our family and help me continue my education. She trusted that place with all her heart.

Today, everything changed.

My sister says a priest offered her sweets and then touched her inappropriately. My mother, who works there every day, also says he touched her inappropriately.

My mother came home crying. She told me he broke her mobile phone during what happened. My sister ended up with a cut on her hand. They also told me the priest appeared to be drunk while he was at the temple. I still can't believe I'm even typing these words.

I am only 20 years old.

I already lost my father. Now the only parent I have, the woman who sacrificed everything for us, came home broken from the very place where she worked to keep our family alive.

I don't know how to react.

I keep asking myself the same question over and over...

Am I failing as a son because I couldn't protect my mother and my sister?

I'm angry. I'm heartbroken. I feel helpless. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.

This post is not about attacking any religion or any temple. It's about what my mother and sister say happened to them. No woman should ever feel unsafe in a place of worship or at her workplace.

If anyone has gone through something similar, please tell me what to do. Right now, I feel like my whole world is falling apart.

It’s definitely a long story and I’m sorry that I write all over the place. Ok so I’m in my mid/late teens right now and I recently went on a trip to another state by myself to go see my late fathers family (my dads brother with his brother kids and wife). My dads side of the family is Arabic and Muslim, they’re not as extreme as my father was, but I slept in the room with my very younger cousins, (we’re all girls don’t worry), but since they’re young thier parents (my aunt and uncle) they had the Quran on, like an audio of someone in Arabic preaching it. I had panic attacks every night that I listened to it and had nightmares, and later on I was thinking that before my parents divorced.. my dad definitely had me and my siblings listened to this when I was younger than 7. I was talking to my mom about this and she told me that when I was an infant and up until I was 5 years old when I cried my father would force me into a dark room, lock the door and play the Quran. And also just for context my father used to limit us to anything not Muslim (not all Muslims are like this my father is just crazy). My father would make me watch religious cartoons (think those kid bible cartoon videos but for Islam) and he’d make me watch Shaytan kill people on weird uncensored cartoon sites, to tell me what will happen to me if I don’t follow Allah, and we only ever listened to music in Arabic and stuff and we just weren’t allowed to do or watch normal kid stuff, he even enforced these rules on my mom. While I was out of state, I went to the Masjid once with my family and we prayed and I was so closed off and almost cried the whole time. I felt horrible. So I think I have religious trauma and idk how to deal with it.. cuz both the Quran and Arabic triggers me, I only speak English and when my parents divorced I’ve lived with my white mom ever since, so I’m definitely disconnected from that culture and it freaks me out and I feel so ashamed of it.

I am still technically an atheist by definition. My spiritual beliefs are hard to describe here, but they aren't based in the existence of any dieties or conscious forces. I do feel certain in my belief that there are no "gods" in the universe, and in general I'm very philosophically materialist and pragmatic. But my specific form of spirituality is still very important to me, and it's probably the closest I will ever get to any faith in my life.

It's hard to explain, but religious trauma impacted me in ways I think others might relate to, so I want to share my experience and the nuances of me unlearning and unpacking this stuff. I posted this recently to the CPTSD sub, and I thought it might also be beneficial to others here.

So, my CPTSD mainly comes from neglect and attachment wounds, but I also have other miscellaneous traumas across my life, including religious trauma which came from certain family members, friends, and people at church.

My parents weren't Christians and we never went to church, but I grew up in the "Bible belt" in the U.S., so basically every other aspect of my life was inundated with Christianity and Southern Baptist Christian values. I had many conservative Christian aunts and uncles, Christian teachers (at a public school, yes), and I often went to church with my friends (even though I didn't really want to). It wasn't *always* bad of course, but I did collect some traumas along the way.

Part of the harm I did to myself in trying to survive this environment was hardening myself, turning away from emotions and softness. Because I was such a shy and sensitive kid, I felt I had to become "tough" and untouchable. But the thing about being untouchable is that truly *nothing* can touch you, not even goodness, not even gentleness. After starting kindergarten, I quickly became "very mature for my age."

So that was the vibe. For a period of time I became an unfeeling, analytical "facts machine." This helped me in school, but it kinda turned me into an asshole later on lol (or rather, my being an asshole was just another consequence of this change). It not only resulted in me intellectualizing my feelings and dissociating from my body, but also in an outright refusal to engage in spirituality.

In the mid-2000s, the New Atheist movement was coming up, and it really empowered me as a teenager. But I became one of the shitty atheist types of that era, mocking all spirituality as irrational and stupid, judging anyone who believed in anything, especially christians.

It was partly a defense mechanism against my peers who also bullied me - I could look at them and believe they were stupid, that I was smarter than them in every way, and that they only picked on me because they knew it. It helped me by protecting my fragile ego, keeping me in this defensive state, so I didn't have to ever really deal with the fact that it hurt my feelings to be made fun of. I could instead feel I was superior to them, that they couldn't ever *really* hurt me.

It wasn't until my mid-20s when I'd started healing from my trauma, and I came across the book "Braiding Sweetgrass", that I finally began to reconnect with my more spiritual side. This kind of "eco-spirituality" I used to have.

When I was a kid I had a lot of appreciation for ecology and the outdoors. I'd spend every summer in the woods looking at plants and bugs, and we watched a lot of Ghibli movies and Fern Gully in my house. I'm sure I internalized the ecological messages in those films, and my mom also had vaguely pagan beliefs that I heard about sometimes, but regardless of the origin I'd always felt connected to nature in a deeper way than it seemed my peers did. And then reading Braiding Sweetgrass as an adult, idk, it reminded me of those parts of my child self, it reconnected me with this eco-spiritualism that I'd pushed away for years.

I realized that my dissociation, this intellectualizing of my emotions, aided me in becoming this crass, angry, atheist type of person I'd been. I'd spent so many years filled with rage, I relished in mocking the Christians around me, riding the high of the New Atheist movement.

I want to add: I'm not trying to suggest that people need religion or spirituality to be in touch with their feelings, or that turning away from religion is somehow a kind of self-harm. Not at all. I strongly believe that spirituality and Belief are very important and personal, at the same time as I hold complicated feelings about the functions of religions in our world, a world that revolves around power and money and various forms of oppression that often traumatizes us. I recognize that all religions have facets/sects and believers who weaponize their beliefs to justify doing harm onto others, and I definitely don't want to minimize or gloss over that here. I understand the complicated reality of this conversation.

But just for me personally, this was one discovery I made about myself on my journey to healing, and I think it's important to recognize - that although I'd never vibed with or believed anything about Christianity to begin with, because of my religious trauma, I shunned and turned away from ANY and ALL notions of spirituality, for basically all of my youth and young adulthood. And that hurt me because I was denying that an important part of myself existed.

throwback to when my dad cornered me into giving my life to jesus then made it a family event and anniversary and got me a brownie bc I devoted my life to god.

For context, I’ve been in this “religion” since I was born. And I’ve learnt a lot about it along the way. And, I never really believed in it. Since I was young, I’ve thought it was odd.. I didn’t know what it was at the time, but it felt weird. And recently for the past month or two, I’ve been thinking it’s a cult. And this month is filled with evidence, in my eyes atleast. So, we have these “meetings” that are essentially just church. However, there’s a lot in there, I don’t have time to say one post. But I’ll stick to my main source. It’s my parents anniversary in a few days (as of the time I’m writing this) and, it’s also my cousins baby shower, not the same day but pretty close. And I told them the truth, on how I didn’t want to go. Because, the cousin of mine hasn’t been in my life a lot. To me, she’s not even my cousin. She’s just a girl who is at my aunts and uncles a lot. And visits only once every couple of years, Maybe longer. However, she’s said many times that she cares about me and my brother a lot. And one of the things I’d like to point out, is that she doesn’t serve this “god” of ours. Which, isn’t that much to say, many people aren’t Christians either. However, something feels off about her not serving this religion. Her entire family serves it, and it promises us that when we die we don’t get sent to heaven, but we get sent to “paradise”. Anyway, back to what i was saying. Our parents told me “no” and that I had to go to the baby shower. I asked why, and they said this: “you two could be the reason she comes back.” Which, at first sight, is normal. The relatives want their cousins to serve their religion, cause they feel it’s right. But, here’s the thing. Like how cults, isolate people from their family, and people overall (besides the cult itself of course) my religion believes “cut off ALL connection to the unfaithful.” And, that includes family, and friends. So, it’s weird on how my parents would be so persistent to keep connection with her. And in my eyes, I felt they were trying to use me and my brother, to make her come back to the “truth”. Which to me is emotional manipulation, another tactic commonly used by cults. And just today, we had our weekly study. And the ENTIRE and I mean the ENTIRE point (it even says it in all the paragraphs) is that we need to have our god guide us, in every thing we do. That includes, our response to “non-believers”, when someone “doubts our lord” and, what we do when a family, or friend becomes “unfaithful”. Which, to me seemed like they wanted us to be controlled, so we don’t leave the religion. And now, my final piece of evidence and arguably a damning piece of evidence. The songs. Now, at first, they seem like your normal church songs. However, if you listen to the lyrics it’s kind of dark. It’s saying your entire identity is to “serve our god, as faithful slaves”. And that we are “his faithful servants”. Which, is insane to me. I don’t get how a lot of people do not see it. Guys, I just realized this, while writing that, there’s one more thing. So, in alien cults, the whole idea is that, if they die, an alien comes to them, resurrecting them in this paradise. And now… my religion does the exact same thing but for “Jesus”. Not heaven, just a paradise after we die. So my final conclusion? This is not a religion. It’s a cult, disguised as one. And no, I’m not some conspiracy theorist, but come on. They are trying to emotionally manipulate someone, brainwash from birth, brainwash you WITH THE SONGS YOU SING EVERYTIME YOU GO TO “MEETINGS. And, literally having the same exact “death” thing like alien cults.n

This will be a long post but, I have nobody to turn to, please bear with me.

I don't wanna watch a debate videos from Alex O'Connor, Richard Rawlings, Non Stamp Collector, DarkMatter2525 and then boom, watch some apologetics from Jay Dyer, Trent Horn, Mike Winger, Melissa Dougherty.

I sometimes even click on astrology or wicca related videos out of boredom and curiosity, so I can learn more about these differences in mentality and how this stuff works even if I don't want to get involved.

I feel like I stand on the sides of life and yet nothing feels certain

I sometimes rewatch the religious movies I used to love as a child, some of the stuff that I went through has been horrific and even if I might find myself get drawn to religion, I cannot fully believe

Even when I try to pray, I don't truly believe

Yes, reading saint stories is interesting, yes, watching the chosen or listening to a hymn can feel comforting but that's not what the whole faith is all about

I don't want to disrespect anyone here but I feel stuck and exhausted of these patterns, wanting to understand every denomination or religion and yet feeling so miserable because of my memories and the way things are in my life

I don't want to delude myself into believing, I don't want to have some near death experience or some hallucinatios like some of these people in their YouTube testimonies tend to experience

Yes, it's nice to know that some people managed to find something that gives them hope but I can't fool myself into doing it

I sometimes watch videos about the end times, about prayer, the dogma of certain denominations but I also watch videos from ex Jehovah Witnesses, mormons, fundamentalist and how they became atheists.

Maybe I wish that someone out there would look out for me, yes

But I also remember the times when nobody was there when I actually needed help

When I dealt with violence, physical abuse, when people bullied me, stalked me, touched me, mocked or beated me up

Whenever I think of those people that did it, I feel angry and scared as it it just happened some hours ago

It doesn't help that both sides can sound smug and obnoxious sometimes, both atheist and christians and it feels like I cannot be understood by neither of them

Both extremes can seem off putting online

Don't get me started on those prophecy or end time videos or flyers we sometimes get in the mail, it literally sounds like they're experiencing psychosis and are proud about it

I sometimes feel sad that things have come to this, I don't think my grandparents would've wanted me to lose my faith so early in life but I did

I still remember the time when I was 8 years old and prayed that I would die after some older bullies from neighbourhood stole my cap and sticker book then threw a rock on my head after I begged them to leave me alone

These people are happy, don't have any worries, their parents don't know the stuff they did to me and the same goes for the people I met later in life

I'm just sick of this BS

No, it doesn't make me feel less alone or depressed when I try to pray despite everything that happened

Sometimes, I try to pray and confess my sins after

praying in my room, it feels desperate and foolish

Sometimes, the same things that draw me to religion might be the same that repel me

I'm not saying that I want these people to crawl to me and beg for an apology but, I don't want to go through such things ever again, I'm sick of creepy, violent or obsessed people, especially men

I don't believe in miracles or things like that, I don't believe in the so called power of prayer

Can you imagine how terrifying it can be to be contacted or bothered by people that you didn't even want to hear from, more than a decade ago?

For someone to show up around your home even if you never showed them where you live?

Can you imagine how anger inducing it is for someone to simply not leave you alone after you made it clear that you don't want anything to do with them?

Yes, I might be traumatized by the things that happened to me, no I don't have insurance and cannot afford "getting help"

I'm a miserable person but can I least be left alone in peace, in my misery?

I don't wanna hear from some random bully I had in middle school or highschool, I dont wanna hear from someone who had an obsessive crush on me, I don't want to hear from people that hurt me deliberately and showed time and time again, that they hate me and mock me no matter how I try to act

I am tired of feeling this way and I'm tired of watching my mother get more frail and sick every week.

I am tired of crying, I'm tired of being angry, I wish I would receive actual help and guidance but can't afford it

It doesn't help that I started to isolate myself after being abused and bullied for years, to point when I got expelled from highschool, I cannot even afford a tutor and I'm too frail for any trade work, even if I were to try to get one, I'd still be rejected cause I'm not a man and that's just how things are where I live.

I don't wanna be like Job, I don't want to struggle, I already have close to nothing, I don't wanna lose anything or anyone around me

Yes, I wish that a good god would be real but I don't believe in anything, I've been way too hurt by my past to delude myself into believing, even if I'm drawn to it.

I want to see actual changes, I want to be happy, I want something surprising to happen, I want to move up in life, I want to feel protected from anyone who tries to mock me and hurt me.

I don't know what to do.

I’ve had really bad religious ocd for the past 5 years and I am no longer religious because of it. The 5 years were very traumatic though and still have such a port effect on my mental health. I feel so brainwashed and damaged by what I went through. It’s the worst in uncomfortable situations because I almost get possessed by this second person who tries to ignore all feelings to perform and it feels like my head will explode from sinus pressure and then I go even further to tell someone I’m struggling but in a performative way without actually acknowledging my hurt and I will get so hung up on fixing myself without processing my pain I feel like I am going insane between 2 different realities and sometimes start to gag. Fortunately not as much but it can get triggered. I also cause myself to suffer sometimes just because of the religious theme of having your will on the alter for god. It’s like I am so lonely, guilty, afraid, but can never access those emotions so it causes some really bad issues. Fortunately sadness has been one I have been able to get out solely because I’ve wanted to kill myself and I will just imagine my own funeral to process my emotions and I feel a little lighter. I make and lose progress at the same time solely because anytime I feel good i feel guilty I am not doing something and get pull

(Sorry this is long. Trigger warning for neglect and sexual assault)

For backround: I (f20) grew up incredibly mormon. My family was super poor. My parents both had full time jobs and we were still barely scraping by. The six of us lived in a three bedroom 1200 square foot house, and we relied heavily on food banks and gifting charities to eat. From the age of 9, I was caring for my three younger siblings (7,5, and 2 at the time) for hours. I was feeding, bathing and putting them to bed at least 3 nights a week for several years, and walking the older two to our school each morning.)

On top of their jobs, my mom and dad both had incredibly labor-intensive callings in the church. My mom was the relief society president for six years (when I was 6-12) and my dad was the stake president for five (when I was 8-13). They would collectively spend at least 15 hours a week doing their unpaid callings, and paid 10% of our household income as tithing each month.

Because they were away so often, I learned to be the adult at an incredibly young age. I got perfect grades, made dinner most nights, was a third parent. Truth be told, the parentification didn't really bother me, but being ignored hurt me more than I can express. I never got time with my parents without my siblings, and whenever we were together as a family it was always centered around a church activity. I wanted my mom and dad so badly, and they were never around.

What I've realized since deconstructing from mormonism is that all of the church stuff was completely optional. We didn't have enough money for shoes in the summer, but we could somehow afford to give 10% each month to the church. They could never make time for me, but they managed to dedicate so much of it to the church.

When I was older, we inherited a house from my grandpa and moved to a different state. We lived a lot more comfortably, but everything stayed centered around the church. I, of course, tried to be the best Mormon girl ever in order to gain their praise. However, when I was fifteen, I was sexually assaulted by my bishop when I went in to confess a sin. I stopped going to church after that but the shame was so deep that I couldn't tell anyone.

I stopped being included in family activities after that. I think my parents still tried to show their love, but there's nothing in their life that wasn't about the church. It felt like I was drowning, constantly triggered by everything.

Sometimes I think about telling my parents what happened, but I know for a fact they wouldn't take my side. If they believed me at all (doubtful), they'd say I misunderstood or it wasn't that big of a deal. The church has always been more important to them than I was, and I can't seem to heal. Sometimes I feel that longing of "I want my mom", but not like she actually was. I think there's still an ignored child inside me that wants to be hugged and tucked in and read a story, even though the time for that is long past. I don't care if it's selfish, I just want them to love me more than the church.

I was raised Mormon and I was, I thought, beloved by my ward members. They always talked about how funny and kind I was, how I was so smart and in-tune with God. I went on a mission with the secret hope that God would remove my gender dysphoria or kill Her and it didn’t work. I never told anyone about it, I just repressed dutifully and diligently like a good Mormon boy. In private I sought out counseling to try and make peace with my “divine gender” (or gender assigned at birth) and nothing worked. I didn’t know what gender dysphoria was, not really, I just knew something was wrong with me.

Well, at BYU I had a mental health episode and had to leave. My family convinced me to move closer to them for my own safety and mental well-being and I’m glad I did because they helped me get into therapy. My non-Mormon father and even my very Mormon mother encouraged me to leave the church, because, in their own words, “it’s not supposed to hurt this bad.” I fought it at first but as my mental health kept deteriorating it became a necessity.

Mormons swear a promise to God to “mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.” At the peak of my mental health struggles, my ward members, the people I grew up with, the people I would have done anything for or given anything to, gave up on me. Nobody came to visit, nobody called, when I did occasionally go to church nobody really talked to me or acknowledged me.

Eventually I deconstructed fully and decided to leave for moral reasons - but even then, not a single soul came looking for me. As a missionary I had basically become an expert in bringing people back to church, and not a single person returned the favor to me when I was at my lowest. Idk if it would have made a difference to my faith, but it would have made a difference in how I saw them. Because for the first time in my life I had to stare down the barrel of reality and acknowledge that I didn’t matter to them. That they were just nice to me because they could use me, and they didn’t care about who I was. This was further validated when I came out and even my extended family - aunts I’d been the go-to emergency babysitter for, uncles I’d worked for, cousins I’d taught life skills to, nobody could even acknowledge me in a room unless my dad was there.

I just felt so gross. So dirty, so pathetic, so stupid. I had cared so hard for so long, I had done so much for so many, and at my lowest, when I was struggling the most nobody was there for me. And when I found out what was wrong - when I finally put a name to the unknowable pain that had been burning my soul since puberty - I was treated as a freak and ostracized even more.

I wish it didn’t hurt so much tbh. I wish I didn’t know that people can pretend to love me so convincingly that I forgo dignity and abandon common sense to love them. I hate knowing that so many people saw me as a person to drain and not a garden to tend to. I hate knowing that people I used to think we’re good were just opportunistic. And if I’m being honest, I feel dirty about it. I feel used. Betrayed. I feel deceived.

I wish I could go back to before I fell for it and save Her. I wish I could let her know she doesn’t have to give so much to people who think so little of her. I wish I could save her.

I am having moment

I was putting on my shorts go outside and I forgot night before I had stuff sweeped up i shaked off shorts then my feet touched the dirt then my religious thoughts made me think if that touched my shorts that it would put me back in that crap I reminded myself that can't happen then I did research if religious thoughts taking advantage of OCD then that made things wrose because then I seen people in that bs having similar thing then religious thoughts tried to make me think thoughts I had during it where same as ones i have now I reminded myself they weren't the same before it was beacuse of that bs teachings and having my sexuality being stripped which was what caused that and now reason why I have these thoughts which are different is beacuse of religious thoughts and OCD missing with me also big thing that makes difference is before I was fighting for nothing now I am fighting for my freedom

Ever since my mind has been going through it I been trying to remind myself of what I know it feels difficult I don't want anything to do with that bs i this want to do what I want without shame and guilt another thing my religious thoughts tried to make me think how I could watch videos I watch on YouTube while in that even tho I was able to watch some even then I wasn't beacuse of the bs that shit promoted

I am this having bad time like I left the shit beacuse not only was I being stripped of my sexuality being able to express it but they also tried to use me to pull my family into that crap more so my niece who is LGBT

I have not gone through religious trauma myself, though my heart goes out to those who have. if I were to make a show based off of it, would it be labeled offensive?

note that I would do research, I'm a very thorough person.