Hi Pub Tips,

This one goes out to everyone who loves the querying data and everyone who needs to hear a non-success story every once in awhile. I am wrapping up my querying journey for this book, and I did NOT get an agent.

Background: I am the author of 3 YA novels published by a Big 5. The 1st and 3rd books had issues that came up during pub that profoundly impacted the sales. I had a great agent who left the business, and it's been several years since my last release because of many life changes that got in the way of having time to write, not to mention a huge writing-related funk after the disappointing sales of book 3.

It took a long time to get out of my funk, and I finally finished another book early last year and was excited to query it. I got my first agent in about 3 weeks with fewer than 10 queries sent out with a book that wasn't even that good, so this would be another easy situation, right? (Let's not mention that the first agent happened in 2011...things are just a little different now.)

Anyway, here are my querying stats as a previously trad-pubbed YA author:

Query timeline: March 2025-now 

Queries sent: 150

Query rejections: 97 (all of these were forms except for 10 - shout out to you 10, I really appreciate you)

Referrals: 4 (1 was a form rejection, 2 were personalized query rejections - none of them replied quickly or moved my query up in the queue. The remaining 1 was a full request, which, technically, I am still waiting to hear on, but with this track record I'm obviously not hopeful.)

CNR: 37

Requests: 17 (1 partial, 1 partial that led to a full, the rest full requests)

Request feedback: 1 full CNR (QT shows this agent has a habit of ghosting on fulls, so I know I won't hear back), 8 form rejections, 2 kind, personalized passes w/o feedback, 1 kind, personalized pass with some good feedback, 1 kind, personalized pass with LITERAL PAGES of actionable feedback that actually blew my mind, 1 kind, personalized pass with comments/feedback that are basically an R&R.

The actionable feedback came about halfway through my query journey, so I paused querying, pulled my fulls, revised the book according to the feedback, and sent the new version to all agents who had it. About half of the response to fulls is to the old version and half to the new. The potential R&R came toward the end of my querying journey, and after the agent read the new version. It's not an agent I'm terribly excited about, and do I really want to go back and revise this entire book again just for this one person to likely reject it again? Meh.

If you're doing the math, I am still waiting to hear back from 4 agents. 1 query I sent out when I just wanted to get to a round 150 agents because having a round number made it feel complete, and 3 fulls (1 previously mentioned referral, 1 from a great agency, and 1 who requested the full in May 2025 and got the revised full in Jan 2026, so I feel like they aren't super excited about it). I'm obviously not feeling confident about any of these or I wouldn't be writing my white flag of defeat post.

Most heard comment: They love my writing, but this book isn't it for x, y, z reason.

Reflection: I definitely sent this book out too soon. I was desperate to get back into the game, feeling some type of way seeing all my friends I debuted with (or who debuted after me) having so much success and me just languishing, trying to break out of my negative headspace, obviously delusional about the situation today based on my previous ease of getting an agent. It could have used one or even two more rounds of good, solid revision before I got it out there in front of agents. I am beyond thankful to the agent who gave me a ridiculously thoughtful and generous editorial letter, but I feel like even the revision I did with that could have been better. Again, I was too anxious to get my full back out and I don't think I used their notes to the full potential. 

What's next: I don't know, man. Fitting writing into my current life is very difficult right now, and I keep wondering why I'm trying when I am struggling so much. I am working on something else, but it's slow going, so it will be a long time until I'm at this point with another book. Feeling very "why do I bother?" and feeling even more of some type of way now that my successful friends know I was querying and I have to tell them I'm a huge failure. But I'm a stubborn a-hole, so I guess I'll keep plugging away. I have to remember that I can't let myself get ahead of myself when I finish it, though. 

For now I suppose I'll just have a good cry and get back to work, even if it takes forever.

Hey all! I wanted to share my querying journey and stats with the lovely members of this community. There were so many times throughout this process that I didn’t know what to do and found thoughtful responses and sage wisdom here, so thank you to all of you for sharing your insights.  

I’m going to start by saying that this is going to be a long post because my journey wasn’t typical. I queried, got some traction, won a contest and had to pull all of my queries and requests, and then start again six weeks later. The last thing I want to do is make anyone who has been in and out of the trenches for multiple projects feel bad, so please know that my querying story is about a unicorn-y as unicorns get. I almost didn’t want to share it, but I think it goes to show that pursuing trad pub is as much about great writing/stories as it is about luck and timing, so here we go.

I started querying (too early) in early February. After three quick rejections, I pulled all of my outstanding queries (only like…five) to revamp my first pages and query letter. I started querying for real at the end of February.

Two days after I started querying, I participated in Unhinged Pit, an online pitch event, and got three agent likes. I didn’t even know that was noteworthy, because I’d never done an online pitch event before. I sent all three full requests out in my first week of querying. (Fun fact! I sent it out with beta comments included and had to withdraw and resend! Great way to start!)

I attended an in-person writer’s conference in early March and paid to pitch three agents. All three of them requested I query them. One of them turned into a full request a few days later. 

By then, it was mid-March and I had four full requests in two weeks. Since my pitch seemed to be working,  I started querying more widely and hey, while I was at it, I applied to RevPit as well because there’s never a bad time to shoot your shot!

I received my first full request from a cold query a week later, and the next day, a second agent from the conference, who had a very low request rate, also requested my full. This was my, “Oh my god, is this really happening?” moment. That weekend, an agent did an online pitch session, and when I pitched her, she slid into my DMs and asked me to send her my opening three chapters. The next morning, she asked for my full, and two days later, she emailed to see if I was open to an R&R. We had a lovely chat, I agreed with her notes, and I began doing an edit for pacing along with a thorough line edit. I sent it back to her two weeks later.

Because I had gone to the writing conference in March, I was allowed to sign up to pitch agents at an additional writing conference in April. Once again, I pitched three. One of them told me my MS wasn’t a fit, and the other two requested partials. At that point, I’d been actively querying for about 6 weeks and had six full requests, two partials, and an R&R.

Then I found out I was selected as a RevPit winner. It was a total shock. We were advised by the RevPit board to pull all of our queries and ask if the agent would like to see a revised manuscript after the developmental edit. In the process of pulling my outstanding queries and explaining the situation, eleven of the agents requested that I send my full manuscript their way once my revisions were complete.

Suddenly it’s mid-April, I have NO outstanding queries, but I have 17 full requests waiting for me when I complete my revisions. My RevPit editor had very light edits, which took me a couple weeks, and then we re-wrote my query letter for the RevPit showcase, which went live on June 8th.

I decided to send the 17 agents who had requested my revised manuscript the new query letter and full the Thursday before the showcase went live, since I felt like they had shown an early interest in my work and deserved to see it first. 

I got an email for a call on Saturday morning, just two days later. I hadn’t even queried anyone yet! I stalled and scheduled the call for a week later and sent out an additional 20 queries. In retrospect, given how things played out, I wish I’d queried a lot more during that week, but c’est la vie, I suppose!

After the call, I nudged everyone. One of the agents from that very first workshop replied and said she’d already started reading, because she had the feeling this would happen. She offered a few days later. I got a handful of CNRs over the next couple weeks, plus a handful of full requests, but since there were only 20 agents who didn’t already have my full, it wasn’t a crazy flurry of QT emails. 

In the end, I only spent about six weeks querying in total. Out of the 36 queries I sent with my revised manuscripts and the 24 agents who requested my full, six of them offered to represent me, which I truly cannot believe.

Here’s a rundown of the stats:

Genre: Upmarket Romcom, 80K words

First Draft: March - July, 2025.

Editing: August 2025 - February, 2026

Before RevPit

• Total Agents Queried: 63
• Rejections: 41
• CNRs: 15
• Full Requests: 7

After RevPit

• Total Queries: 36
• Fulls before Offer Nudge: 17
• Requests After Offer Nudge: 7
• Rejections/CNRs: 12
• Offers of Representation: 6

And here’s the successful query letter:

 Dear Agent/Editor,
 
Award-winning cidermaker Phoebe Skiles has ninety days to save her struggling company, and business consultant Miles Newport, a finance bro with a toddler's palate, has the audacity to suggest her cider is the problem?
 
FINDING GRAVITY, a 2026 RevPit winner, is an 80,000-word contemporary novel with romance crossover, perfect for readers who enjoyed the workplace setting with main character energy of Romantic Comedy by Curtis Sittenfeld, the complex professional insights in Back After This by Linda Holmes, and the blend of light-hearted humor and emotional depth of I Hope This Finds You Well by Natalie Sue.
 
Two years after her beloved magazine career and relationship imploded, Phoebe Skiles has reinvented herself as the head cidermaker at high-end cidery Appelle. But when Elise, Appelle’s CEO and Phoebe's best friend, hires a consulting firm to keep Appelle from shuttering its doors for good, Phoebe must put her professional life in the hands of Miles Newport, who calls them a Gen Z brand making a Boomer product. He’s convinced the only thing that can save Appelle is pivoting to a consumer product with mass-market commercial appeal.
 
Phoebe balks at the idea of watering down her recipes, but she’d rather drink spiked seltzer than disappoint Elise or have another budding career ripped from her hands before it blossoms. With no choice but to pivot from traditional methods, Phoebe vows to save Appelle—for herself and for Elise—by becoming the best modern cidermaker this side of the Mississippi. Along the way, she discovers that sometimes friendship supersedes passion, sometimes commerce enhances craft, and—if Miles Newport has anything to do with it—sometimes a broken heart can learn to beat again.
  
I earned my BA in Creative Writing from Eastern University and taught high school English for four years before starting my very own struggling cider company. From the blurred lines of an owner who employs her friends (do not do this!) to the intricate behind-the-scenes details of sanitizing tri-clamps and Frankentrees at the orchard, my decade of experience owning Ash & Elm Cider Co.—one of the largest cideries in the country with over 40,000 followers across platforms—lends an irreplicable authenticity to this story.
 
Thank you for your consideration,
 
 
 

I've seen a lot of people advice that the paid version of QT and getting a subscription to Publishers Marketplace is worth it, and while I know that those subscriptions are cheap(ish?) for people in the us or something, they'd quite literally cost me almost a month of rent where I'm from. So the question - for the people who queried without paying for any subscription/access - what was your experience like? Any tips? Anything you wish you'd done differently?

Hi everyone, I’m in a really fortunate position where I have three agents offering representation from a range of reputable agencies, and a call with one agent tomorrow where I’m confident they’ll offer.

I’m half Asian, my novel takes place in the SE Asian country my family is from, and it’s important to me to find an agent who is Asian or half Asian. All four are, though not everyone I queried was. Three of the agents rejected my manuscript during my first round of querying, but two sent me a full email with encouraging advice and asked me to resubmit. Honestly, in the sea of non-responses, this was extremely validating. These two agents are my preferred ones.

I spent the next several months making those edits, and they’ve now offered representation based on this revised manuscript (my final stats are 30 queries, 12 form rejections, 5 manuscript requests, 4 offers [3 were “no but here’s feedback…” that I was able to re-query, including these two agents], 13 non responses).

I’m really torn. The one I’m meeting tomorrow is at Transatlantic, the other at HG Literary. I’m not sure if anyone has advice about either agency. They both specialize in my genre, and I know to ask about the names of editors in their Rolodex they’d send to.

I have a week left until I promised one of the agents I’d get back to them.

Our first meeting was mainly getting to know each other, hearing their reflections and asking how’d they’d position the novel and what editors they had in mind; I’m also going to ask for a list of published authors they represent as a follow-up.

Any other questions you’d all suggest I ask, especially seeing as I have an upcoming call tomorrow with one of my ideal agents?

I’m so grateful for this community. You all helped critique my query letter, and I learned so much great advice for writing and about navigating this insane, delusional process—including the importance of persistence.

Hi all. I’m in a really weird dilemma. I got an agent offer 2 weeks ago and gave a verbal yes. While I got the contract a few days after we had discussed, I did eventually get the contract. I sat with it for a day and a half and sent over a list of questions. I didn’t hear back for 6 days before I got another email from the agent, essentially saying they haven’t heard from me and wanted to know if anything changed.

But nothing’s changed. I responded, letting them know I had sent over some questions last week but wanted to move forward with signing the contract. That was yesterday. I haven’t heard a word.

I don’t know if my emails aren’t landing in their inbox, or what the problem could be. We were communicating just fine before (we successfully scheduled a call and everything). My responses are in my sent folder, so I know they were successfully sent. I tested my email and things seem to be working on my end.

The agent and I also follow each other on Instagram and while they previously responded to me without a problem, now my DMs aren’t even getting seen.

I’m worried I’m being avoided but I genuinely don’t know if this is some sort of technical issue. Has anyone ever had this issue? What did you do?

This is actually in the pretty early stages, but I've seen people here start out with the query as a way of clarifying the stakes and figuring out the core of the story, and thought it seemed like a pretty good idea! Here's what I have at the moment:

Dear Agent,

As a young woman, Kirsty Price dreamed of escaping her run-down Valleys town. Instead, she got pregnant. Now she’s broke, exhausted, and feels trapped inside a life she didn’t choose, with a crap job, a feckless ex, and a teenage daughter, Jade, who she no longer understands. She needs a break.

Unfortunately, all she can afford is a few off-season days at the new Marlin’s holiday camp, an off-brand Butlins in the wilds of west Wales. It starts badly – Kirsty’s car breaks down, stranding them, and the unfriendly locals are no help. They’re saved by the kind owners of a nearby holiday cottage, a well-to-do couple living the kind of life Kirsty’s only dreamed about. But Jade’s more interested in hanging out with some troublemaking new friends who fill her head with creepy urban legends, like the local ghost story of the murderous Red Nun. The trip is a disaster even before the bodies start dropping. 

There’s a killer taking out campers, and they’re dressed just like the Red Nun from Jade’s stories. Kirsty’s convinced there’s a human being behind the costume, but who’s responsible – hellraising teens, curmudgeonly locals, or the nice middle-class couple who don’t appreciate a campful of chavs rocking up on their doorstep?

Mother and daughter will have to work together to uncover the killer and escape with their lives. That is, if Kirsty can learn to listen to Jade and repair their relationship before the Red Nun comes for them both.

OUR SLICE OF HEAVEN is a 75,000 word adult horror where the slasher leaves the all-American summer camp behind and comes to the British seaside. It combines the class issues and genre-savvy POV of MY HEART IS A CHAINSAW with the gritty setting and disaffected teens of PENANCE. 

[Biographical stuff goes here.]

I want to start querying a new thriller after my last one looks to have died in the trenches with a handful of full requests that almost all have received passes. I appreciate any and all comments on the query as well as the first 300 words. I realize the query might be a bit long (just under 300 words) so any insights about where to cut would be great!

Dear [Agent Name],

HIDDEN MONSTERS is a 99,000-word adult survival thriller set aboard a privately owned submarine deep in the Pacific Ocean. It combines the claustrophobic survival stakes of Ruth Ware’s One Perfect Couple with the psychological manipulation and deadly performance of Steph McGovern’s Deadline.

Lily has spent most of her twenties scraping by as a stage actor, desperate to prove that abandoning university for theatre wasn't a mistake. So when an enigmatic billionaire offers her a dream acting job aboard his private submarine, she can't afford to say no.

On board, Lily and the other actors recreate a live-action adventure as an elaborate birthday gift for the billionaire’s grandson. The mission is based on a story the boy’s late mother once wrote for him. The grandson plays the rogue hero leading a hunt for a villain who collects rare animals, and Lily is cast as his love interest where she is expected to admire his courage, validate his choices, and keep him believing he is the hero of the story.

Then one of the staged confrontations turns violent, and Lily can’t tell whether the death she witnesses is real or simply part of the performance. As paranoia spreads through the submarine and the grandson grows increasingly erratic, the only crew member willing to challenge him is forced into the submarine’s last emergency pod. Suddenly, Lily is the only person left who can stop the mission from spiraling out of control.

But escaping may be impossible. The grandson refuses to end the adventure, and Lily must continue playing her scripted role to keep his trust while quietly searching for a way off the submarine. The deeper she investigates the expedition, the more she suspects that the mission was never meant to be a harmless game.

First 300:

The man in the front row hated Lily. When the show started two hours earlier, Lily had assumed that the man’s curled lip was directed at the entire company. She shook off her apprehension to focus on delivering her best performance yet, but he lingered at the periphery of her vision. No matter where Lily stood on stage, those flat, dark eyes in the first row followed her.

Now deep into the third act of the play, Lily stood alone, poisoned chalice in hand. She opened her mouth to deliver her final lines.

The words withered on her lips.

For the first time, the man in the audience paid her no attention. He checked a slim watch on his wrist and bent to whisper into the ear of a tiny woman sitting next to him.

She forced herself to speak. She couldn’t hear her voice over the buzzing in her ears, but she trusted in the months of practice that had come before this. Her body moved of its own volition and raised the chalice to her lips. The apple juice burned down her throat. The clatter of the chalice hitting the stage sounded far away.

Shouting. From stage left. The blond who played her love interest darted towards her, worry etched into every line on his face. As he closed the distance between them, his concerned frown turned to confusion.

Oh. Right.

Lily closed her eyes and collapsed. Wisps of laughter flitted up from the front row.

That’s when the memory hit her, as intense as the heat of the stage lights. She stood on a different stage. This one outdoors. It was the middle of summer. She suffocated in her heavy wardrobe, sweat hot and sticky on her back, but was having the time of her life.

Hi all -- thanks in advance for your eyeballs and thoughts!

I’m seeking representation for YOUR DEATH IS NOT YOUR OWN, a 100,000 word adult fantasy, which combines an f/f take on the horromance of NBC’s Hannibal with the death magic of Kerstin Hall’s ASUNDER and the crafty scheming of Antonia Hodgson's THE RAVEN SCHOLAR. This story will appeal to fans of unreliable narrators, unhinged queer romance, dead flesh-puppets the size of a modest building, and unique magic systems.

Fostered to the gamblers and cheats of Vegas House as a young child, Jona has little experience with the dead who plot against the living in the wastelands outside her city, or the necromancers who fight them. But when she hears that Madai, her long-estranged father figure and legendary necromancer, has violated their culture’s greatest taboo and returned from death, Jona knows she must discover what really happened to him.

Jona makes Madai’s younger sister, Renee-Lois, her first ally and falls unexpectedly in love. Renee-Lois encourages Jona to accept the darker parts of herself: her forbidden magic and strange empathy with the dead. What Jona doesn’t know is that Madai’s sister has been dead for a long time and her body is being animated by Lethe, Godqueen of the Kingdom of the Dead, working to turn Jona’s home into her personal meat-locker.

By the time Jona discovers Renee-Lois’ true identity, Lethe holds all the cards. There’s no honest chance of winning. But Jona is a Vegas trickster at heart and at every other suit. She asks to join Lethe, planning to con and betray her. If Jona succeeds she’ll save her family and friends and become a necromantic hero. But if she fails then she’ll be the tool the Godqueen of Death uses to finally crack open the kingdom of the living.

[I am blah blah blah personal stuff paragraph]

Hello everybody! Here is a query for a WIP of mine which hopefully won't take too long to finish. Bit of a weird genre mashup... yeah. I will be honest, I'm not sure what this is, if anything. Thank you all in advance for your help.

Edited to remove extra line breaks.

*****

Dear Agent,

SUNNY MOUNTAIN SQUARE is a 70,000-word literary crime satire about a failing startup pitching its dysfunctional garbage collection robots to the underworld as heist machines, then having to complete increasingly difficult robberies to satisfy investors. Written as Reservoir Dogs meets the real-life Theranos fraud, it will appeal to readers who enjoyed corporate satires such as Sarah Rose Etter’s Ripe or Mariel Franklin’s Bonding.

In modern-day Vienna, early-stage startup StreetsClean attracts the attention of the underworld when, as a last resort to stave off insolvency, it modifies its buggy garbage collection robots to mug passersby - to great success. Soon after, the company closes an investment round with the city’s crime bosses. Now backed by people who would take failure personally, StreetsClean sets out to achieve fully autonomous robberies of small businesses with their second-generation prototype. The problem: the robots hardly worked to begin with, and the issues only increase with scale.

Lead engineer Leon went along with StreetsClean’s scheme because he thought that his connivance would make him indispensable to the company. He was right; only now, the investors would shoot him if he left. To deliver on the founders’ promises, Luc is forced to resort to deception: he accompanies the deployments of the bug-ridden robot as a masked gunman and draws up false reports. It works, in the worst way: StreetsClean is given more money to build a heavily armed third-generation prototype. This time, however, the investors would like to see it in operation personally – and they already have an objective in mind: the trading bank at Vienna’s Sunny Mountain Square…

With the delivery date around the corner, StreetsClean’s third prototype is nothing but a half-assembled, non-functional mess. Delirious with exhaustion, afraid to die, Leon has a last, desperate idea: if hollowed out, the robot would fit a human…

[Bio]

Thank you for your consideration.

First 300:

1. Grinzing

If I told you that we robbed everybody, really and truly everybody, you would not believe me; so that first I will relate how we mugged 2,600 children and 3,201 of the elderly, which to state convincingly is only a matter of a few pages.

#

The world grew big in my vision and arrived. I left the tram and entered the colorful radiance of the station, letting my gaze wander over its patient green columns and smooth foot-worn cobbles. The humming of rotisseries and the sizzling of fat commingled in my ears, the smell of grilled meat filled my nose. In the warm loving light that emanated from the dœnerstand into the nascent night, I saw my friend Dœnermann stand between those loving low-digit menu boards of his, smiling a gentle smile and waving a wave which I had to acquit with a nod, for my hands strained themselves in the holding of great toolboxes. Passing the station’s arch heavy-walled and gate-like, I saw in the rosen air the smooth windings of the black road, beyond the old low houses with their yellow walls and roofs of brown, their window-frames green and white. A limping child crossed the street, tears sparkling colorfully on his face.

“What happened to you?” I asked gently.

“A trashcan tried to rob me,” sung the child. “A trashcan blue and round, a speaking trashcan kicking at my leg!”

“I am strong and unafraid,” I said thereupon, furrowing my brow. “Show me the place.”

We crossed the street and entered a narrow gap between two houses, emerging after some steps upon a dusty little path. Rose-overrun trellises flanked us on both sides, copper-green streetlamps lighted the way; under one of which there stood indeed a trashcan blue and round, a trashcan fretting and twitching in the dust.

Taking another shot at this, folks were so helpful (and too kind!) the first time around. I’m also very welcome to feedback on my manuscript WC at 114k for a science fiction debut. Cut it down from 165k (I know, I know) and I feel like I’ve done all I can without sacrificing key plot points. BUT if it was more marketable at 105k (for instance) I can definitely attempt to get it lower.

In a similar vein, I’ve added more detail to the query letter but worry it’s now too bloated...clearly overwriting is a real challenge for me! So appreciative of any and all feedback!

QUERY LETTER

Dear [AGENT], 

I’m seeking representation for THERE IS ANOTHER WEST, a science fiction novel complete at 114,000 words. It blends the pedantic blundering of robots in Service Model by Adrian Tchaikovsky with a protagonist crossing a climate ravaged landscape to save her sibling, in the vein of Saltcrop by Yume Kitasei. 

26-year-old mechanic Cordelia can fix any robot, but she can't fix her life. She’s unappreciated and overqualified at Forge, the pioneering Michigan robotics company where she works. And at home, her father—once a distinguished robotics professor—brushes his teeth with hand lotion if left unattended. Her only escape is mindlessly scrolling social media and fantasizing about ascending the ranks like Forge’s brilliant CEO. Then her father suddenly dies, stripping her younger brother Jamie of insurance that covers medication he needs to survive. Now, Cordelia has thirty days to scrape together the $15k needed for his next dose. Short on options, her father’s last words point her back to San Francisco, to a Bitcoin key left in their family’s safe, forgotten when they fled a wildfire. 

But in 2055, San Francisco is no longer a flight away. The West is wild once more, massive fires turning the land beyond Denver uninhabitable, ungoverned, and even worse—out of cell service. The only way through is with one of the guided groups led by cowboys, notorious for their reckless behavior and temperamental robohorses. Cordelia can’t afford the trip, so she deceives the guides, pretending to be someone she’s not. But her guide Owen, a gruff ex-soldier who hates robots, is watching her more closely than she’d like. Owen can’t afford to be distracted; he’s taking over their struggling group next season, and needs everyone to make it through this trip alive. Cordelia and Owen agree on almost nothing, yet as one state bleeds into another, she can’t stop thinking about a cowboy who doesn’t even own a cell. 

To reach the cryptocurrency key, Cordelia must solve the paranoid crossword puzzle her father left behind, repair robohorses that keep breaking in strange ways, and prove she’s tough enough to make it the West. Yet sinister, older plots lurk behind the cowboys and the cactuses, and Cordelia suspects her father hid something else in the safe: an algorithm her CEO would kill to possess, that would utterly horrify Owen. To save her brother and make it out of the West alive, Cordelia will be forced to reckon with her relationship with technology—and how far she’s willing to go for those she loves.

[bio]

Thank you for your time and consideration!

FIRST 300

It hit 100 every day the week of the Great Fire, the kind of dry heat that made her skin feel soft, papery. That made her and her younger brother Jamie lay on their tile kitchen floor, the stone cool against their backs. But there hadn’t been any smoke, and perhaps the clear air had coaxed them all into a false complacency.

The air wasn’t usually clear anymore in San Francisco, not by 2041. From the time Cordelia could walk, her mom slid Cordelia’s shoes on her feet, then tucked the straps of her mask behind her ears before they left the house. As she got older, she became more annoyed with it, the edges of the mask cutting into her skin, giving her acne. Sometimes she and her friends would take their masks off on the school playground and breathe in the sooty air. The ash felt heavy in their lungs, but it tasted like freedom. Until their teacher spotted them, that is, and would yell at them to put their masks back on.

Three days before the fire started, her dad took a late video call for work. He put on his white striped button down, which he’d last worn for her aunt’s wedding a few months back. Most work days, he wore colorful t-shirts spotted with grease stains. Like his blue one, with Berkeley Robotics Club scrawled across the front, or the yellow one with The Three Laws of Robotics emblazoned on the back.

Cordelia wasn’t there for the call. Her mother hustled her and Jamie out of the house after dinner, before they even finished the dishes. They walked to Alamo Square, watched the light leave the city, casting the Painted Ladies in shade. When they returned her father was sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a glass of scotch, which he also hadn’t done since her aunt’s wedding. Scotch was for grieving and for celebrating, her father used to say.

Here's version 1 (https://www.reddit.com/r/PubTips/comments/1sb02ir/qcrit_when_abby_bit_alex_70k_adult_urban/)

At the beta reading phase now, trying to get the query package together in parallel. Thank you in advance!

Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation for When Abby Bit Alex, a 70,000-word, Nora Ephron-inspired Urban Romantasy that combines paranormal rom com elements of Sarah Hawley’s A Werewolf’s Guide to Seducing a Vampire, with the I’d burn the world for you romance of The Wolf King Series by Lauren Palfreyman, with a pinch of Golden Girls. It is a standalone with series potential.

Ninety-year-old Abigail Devoyer is on her period and craving human flesh. As a lost, immortal demoness in a mortal world, she only exists in the eyes of her aging friends. Her true love, taken long ago by dementia, lingers on as a shell of his former self. She doesn’t believe she can ever love again until she meets a bartender named Alex.

Alex is a former minor league hockey player who, in retirement, owns a dingy college sportsbar. Abigail doubts anything will come of it and takes him out to a symphony on a whim just to please her friends who desperately want her to have someone in her life after they’re gone. It becomes clear they come from two very different, nearly incompatible worlds, though Abigail is captivated by his wit, attentiveness, and maturity beyond his forty-two years, But when a rough hockey match deteriorates into a beating, Alex’s life is in danger, and Abigail uses her strength to get him to a hospital. There, Abigail learns that Alex suffers from hemochromatosis, a disease that ended his career early and is destroying his liver. 

To save his life, Abigail wants to turn him into a creature of the night. But she has no idea how to do that. Even the pharmaceutical company that experimented on her for years doesn’t understand it. As a last-ditch effort, she turns to the mystical that offers her a glimmer of hope—the identity of the demoness that turned her. But there are others on her trail seeking the same power—some closer than she realizes.

With time running out, Abigail must choose: make a deal with the demoness who offers to save Alex’s life in exchange for her own. Or somehow trick her and risk eternal damnation for both her and her lover and the world. But defeating an ancient demon won’t be easy, and the power of love won’t be enough like in the picture films, but for Abby, it’s one hell of a force, and she won’t be dragged down to the underworld without a fight.

DRACONIC SPHERE Ω is a Dungeons & Dragons–inspired adult comedic fantasy, complete at 93,000 words. It combines the character-driven ensemble of Kings of the Wyld with the adventurous spirit of The Adventures of Amina al-Sirafi.

Brunhild comes to Aqua Profunda to join the Adventurer’s Guild and prove herself as a warrior – and, more urgently, to escape her suffocating family. There, a thief named Dandelion cheerily offers her some drugs and introduces her to Kaergat, a mage more comfortable with books than people. Lacrie, an excessively earnest cleric of Light, completes the party.

A few simple if chaotic jobs quickly spiral into something far more sinister. Brunhild must face troupe-dancing zombies, a resurrected man drunkenly gatecrashing his own funeral, and the moral nuances of eating centaur meat – but just the horse part. Worse, an unknown man in black is hunting the party, in command of a terrifying undead force.

After almost no prodding at all, Lacrie breaks down and reveals her true quest: on behalf of her religious order she seeks the Draconic Spheres, artifacts with the power to reverse or speed up time. One Sphere can turn the tide of a battle – but a set of seven will ascend their bearer to godhood.

Lacrie is far too earnest to hide her intentions, but her order is another matter. The more Brunhild learns about this Brotherhood of Light, the murkier their motives become. And then there’s the man in black – a priest, the party discovers, of the so-called Good Death. “You’re just a goth, aren’t you?” says Dandelion. Brunhild isn’t so sure.

What are the Brotherhood of Light’s true goals? Could it be that the man in black’s reasons for pursuing godhood are more noble than they appear? And can anyone be allowed such power? Brunhild must decide quickly, for she and her friends are losing their feet, swept up in an escalating cosmic war.

The sequel to Draconic Sphere Ω, PLANE HOPPERS, is complete at 109,000 words, upping the ante with a high-stakes race through the multiverse.

Originally from the UK, I live in Berlin. I have performed at stand-up comedy clubs and have completed four manuscripts. I will be featured in the upcoming TRANSCENDENT LOVE anthology from Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

Hello, fellow (q)critters.

I'm trying to find the motivation to finish my next novel after my previous completed project's extremities turned gangrenous in the querying trenches. This book isn't complete yet but I know exactly what it is, and so I thought I'd get some practice in now so that when I (hopefully) finally finish this thing, my pitch will be in a decent place. Any feedback will be welcomed with open (gangrenous) arms. Much love.

--- QUERY ---

Dear [AGENT],

Who is responsible for the suffering of fictional characters?

GORDON is a philosophical horror novel of [FINAL WORD COUNT]. [COMPS].

A young girl dreams of Gordon, whose voice compels her to come to him. Without even asking why, she leaves the horrors of Mother Superior and “bath time” in the rear-view mirror of momma’s beat-up jalopy.

Gordon’s out there somewhere, she just doesn’t know where. She has a map, but what use is a map when you don’t even know where you are? Hitting the road regardless, it soon hits back.

She’ll need to grow up fast if she’s to survive life on the path to Gordon. Perverts, a dying farmer and some truly menacing wieners lie in wait. But at least she has the G-man to talk to about it all. Or his answering machine, at least. Gordon can’t come to the phone right now.

To make things worse, something’s not quite right with her memory. It’s almost as if the previous chapters of her life are being rewritten as she drifts from place to place.

With her story fading behind her, only Gordon has the power to end her suffering.

[SIGN OFF].

--- SAMPLE ---

Gordon

Murray, May 2nd 1972

“Hey, friend. Leave me a message and maybe I’ll get back to you some day.”

“I did it, Gord. Gordo. You hear me? I did it. I got up and I said, ‘Momma, I have to go’. And so I did. I went. And now I’m here in Buttfuck. In no place. Murray, actually. That’s where I am. I think. The map is kinda hard to read. Why is that, Gord? Ain’t maps supposed to be, you know, easy?

"Momma went apeshit, man. Just ape, she went. But I couldn’t stay there no more. Couldn’t let her keep doing that. It ain’t right I don’t think. She said she was gonna shoot Stevie if I left. But she won’t. She’s said that shit so many times it’s just like saying good morning now. Or good night more like. If I don’t do what she wants she tells me she’s gonna shoot Stevie and make him into dogfood. Hey, maybe that’s why they call it dogfood? He probably wants to be shot anyhow. All old and tired all the time. Poor guy. Momma don’t like it to be easy like that. I will miss him though, Gordo. Old Stevie. His silly red hair. Or fur maybe. Least I think it’s red. Yeah, that sounds right. Red fur. Stevie, right?"

I'm exclusivly querying UK agents ATM, so this is more of a cover letter than query letter. Thanks in advance for any advice!

Dear [agent],

I am seeking representation for BROKEN MACHINE, an 82,000-word speculative novel that combines the political urgency of Prophet Song with the workplace anxieties of The Warehouse.

When a shop owner’s secret work with an anti-automation movement turns into sabotage, she must choose between her police officer partner, her shop, and the fight for human dignity.

Manchester is hollowed out by automation. Shops are shuttered and apartment buildings stand empty. But Niki Wesson won’t give up on the hardware shop she inherited from her parents, so when an anti-automation uprising reaches the streets of Manchester, she chooses to sell placard kits to the very people her partner is out policing.

What begins as desperate pragmatism grows into conviction as protests give way to acts of sabotage, forcing Niki to hide her activities from the man she loves. Niki risks not only her relationship but the very thing she’s been trying to preserve, even as the automated future she fears takes shape around her.

I'm based in Manchester and write whenever I can. I have a short story, Isolation, published with Bandit Fiction and a series of self-published novellas on KDP.

Broken Machine grew from my interest in the ways automation is reshaping work and personal identity. This is my debut novel, and I envisage it as a standalone.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

First 300

‘You’re not wearing it.’ He ran his thumb over her wrist, where he wanted the patch to be.

‘I’ve survived this long without one,’ Niki told him.

‘Your dad didn’t.’

She pulled her hand away and frowned. ‘Charles. That’s low.’

‘Sorry.’ He looked away. ‘But heart attacks have plummeted.’

Niki bent to tie her laces. ‘That’s what the adverts say.’

‘It’s what the hospitals say.’ He reached for her handbag. ‘The doctor recommended it.’

She straightened. ‘I don’t want something monitoring me all day long.’

‘It only monitors your vitals.’

‘You don’t actually believe that?’

He sighed and put a canister of pepper spray into her bag. ‘I’m just worried about you.’

Niki shook her head and took the bag. ‘You worry too much.’

‘It’s my job,’ he said, leaning closer. ‘You’re gonna be late.’

She checked the time on her phone. He was right. She kissed him goodbye but paused on her way through the doorway, looking him over. Seeing him in uniform always left a chill in her stomach that wouldn’t ease until he was home from work.

‘You’re the one who needs to be careful.’

He smiled. ‘Always.’

She tossed her bag over her shoulder and set off.

Outside the former mill, a drunk lay sprawled on the grass, half asleep in the early morning dark. He mumbled something up at her, and she pretended not to see him, moving quickly from red brick to street, tallying a mark on the unpleasant side of her mental chart.

The bus arrived on time, as they always did since they went driverless, and Niki joined the small queue to board. In front of her was a shell, its metallic body marked with luminous yellow stripes that caught the fading glow of the streetlights.

Hello! I have paused querying my novel after about 30 form rejections, no requests. I sought out some feedback from a beta reader/editor on both the query and the manuscript itself, and I agree with their feeling that my original query letter was not effective (particularly in regards to how I was classifying the genre and the comps I was using).

I have completely revised my query letter based on that feedback and would like to receive additional input. I've realized that some aspects of the novel - it's a fantasy, but set in space, and it features a dual timeline - could make it a tougher sale to traditional publishers. However, I want to make sure my query letter is as effective and accurate as it can possibly be.

I would appreciate any input or critiques!

Dear [name],

I am writing to seek representation for AS WE WATCH THE STARS BURN, my completed 85,000-word new adult fantasy novel set in space. This standalone story features a lovers-to-enemies dynamic between a conflicted hero and a relentless female villain whose vengeful crusade is at war with the desires of her heart. 

Told through multiple POVs and weaving together dual timelines, AS WE WATCH THE STARS BURN combines the magic and forbidden romance of Kristen Ciccarelli’s HEARTLESS HUNTER, the betrayal and complex female characters found in HOUSE OF THE DRAGON, and the sweeping intergalactic setting of HUNT THE STARS by Jessie Mihalik.

Zade Sevvál was born a prince but surrenders his life of privilege to search for purpose and meaning with the Scholars of the Rift, a mysterious monastic order dedicated to guarding the ancient Rift Stones that give the Scholars the magical powers they use to serve those in need. His new vows to the order are tested when he falls in love with Sabine Ty’reel, a young woman trapped by a dangerous debt. Their forbidden bond shatters when Sabine betrays Zade and takes his Rift Stone, using her newfound powers to launch a brutal war bringing her vision for justice to the galaxy. 

Zade still believes Sabine can be redeemed, but when he interferes with her plans, she feels she has to eliminate him—even though it breaks her heart. Zade is rescued by a blind seer named Kýra, a member of the growing resistance movement against Sabine’s tyranny. Kýra develops feelings for Zade, and Zade starts to fall for her too. However, as Zade’s quest for Sabine’s redemption twists into a mission of revenge, Kýra fears he will fall victim to the same darkness that consumed the woman he once loved. Zade has to find a way to stop Sabine and save the galaxy from burning without losing his soul, and Sabine must determine how much more of her humanity she is willing to sacrifice to occupy her stolen throne.

I have been employed in the communications industry for the past 15+ years in both journalism and public relations. I saw on your [personalization source] that you are looking for [personalization explanation], and I believe AS WE WATCH THE STARS BURN could be a good fit for your list. Thank you for your consideration of my novel! 

Hello PubTips,

This is my 5th attempt - but after a feedback from a lit agent I thought I would post my query letter for another round of review.

Basically an agent came back and said "This sounds like quite an in-depth structure, [advice on revising query letter because its not that commercial and it would be good to know before] " She mentioned about my writing in present tense (suggested past).

I replied the story has a interwoven timeline with flashbacks (due to the past-lives aspect of reincarnations and the past tense vs present is used to separate the two and POV shifts). Similar to Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern or Harrow the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir where there is 3rd and 1st person POV, past and present tense swaps but my novel main story is different from those so I haven't comp'd them. (Should I?)

I am not sure how to portray this but edit the query letter to reflect it, and I thought maybe labelling as upmarket would help? Or (I guess unrelated) is she right about the tense?

previous attempt: https://www.reddit.com/r/PubTips/comments/1rfm6rm/qcrit_magical_realismlgbtq_94k_fourth_attempt/

so... here is my query letter:

I am seeking representation for MOUNTAINS, RIVERS, GRASSES AND TREES, an East Asian inspired upmarket horror crossover with a touch of queer romance and the beliefs of reincarnation surrounding the red string theory that ties soulmates together at 95,0000 words. KPOP DEMON HUNTERS meets Studio Ghibli's SPIRITED AWAY for adults, the novel is dusted with magical realism and cinematic atmospheric depictions of the Afterlife with a haunting peripeteia plot-twist open-ending.

Blending the tender emotional depths of Under the Whispering Door by TJ Klune, and the darkly imaginative underworld setting of The Keeper of the Night by Kylie Lee Baker, the novel treats trauma as a horror that is carried through past lives. In the vein of the original myths of Soul Reapers from South Korea with a K-drama appeal, it is for readers who crave a yearning soulmate devotion, redemption of unreliable narrators and those who wish to be whisked away to liminal spaces with interwoven timelines.

Death has always sent its prettiest monster to collect August Rook. Not that he knows, but the soul remembers things the mind has forgotten.

Like any modern engineer and cutthroat Tech CEO, he's never wasted a second entertaining what happens after death. Not until he opens his eyes in the Underworld, greeted by a jeoseung saja - a Soul Reaper - who seems achingly familiar. Unfortunately, it turns out judgement for every calculated sacrifice of others he took, and self-serving choices he's made is undeniably real.

Faced with the soul trials that will determine if his soul will be worthy of reincarnation or eternal punishment, he vows to fight his way back up to life with the Reaper as his psychopomp. With each trial, August begins to piece together the unsettling truth behind his bond with the Reaper and why their connection feels disturbingly much, much older.

The Reaper guides August through the judgements, carrying a shared history known only to him; one that has condemned every reincarnation for August to be ruthless as he claws his way through life with gritted teeth. Their past is fractured, intimate, and buried beneath the trials is a red string that binds them together even in death.

At the end when he meets the final Judge of the Underworld, King Yama, August is granted a choice. Accept reincarnation and begin the cycle anew, or surrender his chance to offer it to the Grim Reaper. To choose himself would mean another chance at life, but to choose the other would end the cycle itself.

The choice is his to repeat once more.

[bio]

[sign off]

Dear [Agent Name],

I am seeking representation for AGGY **BOY, a completed 73,000-word adult upmarket coming-of-age novel with a crime-fiction engine, set in London in 1999. It is a standalone novel with series potential, for readers of THE **YOUNG **TEAM by Graeme Armstrong and WHO **THEY **WAS by Gabriel Krauze. It is an unsentimental coming-of-age story about a teenage boy seeking belonging in a criminal world.

Fifteen-year-old Ian Villa knows not to get attached. Whenever his mother moves house, he loses another school, another street and another chance to call somewhere home. Then he meets Anna, the first person who makes him want to stay.

Ian confronts Anna’s violent stepfather over the bruises she hides, but he makes her situation worse. Anna tells him to leave for his own good, so he runs. Homeless and determined to find a way back to her, Ian falls in with the Ruckus, a Russian criminal family led by Maxim Bulykin. They feed him, house him and offer him the money, muscle and connections he believes he needs to protect Anna.

But the Ruckus expect loyalty in return. Ian learns to burgle homes and obey the rules of their territory. Breaking into homes makes him feel at home. But the work draws him into a feud that has little to do with Anna. When a rival crew attacks the Ruckus and seriously injures Bulykin’s eldest son, now Ian’s close friend, the Ruckus demand retaliation.

Retaliation brings the feud closer to Anna. To keep her safe, Ian must decide whether he can walk away from the first place he has ever felt wanted, or whether, in trying to protect Anna, he has become another danger in her life.

I am an English teacher from London with a BA in English. My memories of late-1990s London and experience working with teenagers informed the novel.

Thank you for your consideration.

Yours sincerely,

I’m brand new to querying so have been learning so much from this community. For the below, I would also greatly appreciate any additional comp suggestions. I’ve been reading new releases but struggling to find appropriate comps as SFF can vary widely in topic and themes. The Vanished Birds is a great comp for me but was published in 2020 so a bit too old. Thank you so much.

QCRIT:

I am excited to submit my debut novel PRIMITIVE PRIME for your consideration. I think it will appeal to your desire for x, y, z.

Every ten years, a dying colony world known only as Moon sends a small group through a one-way Gate believing they will reach paradise, but when twenty-three-year-old Rayel crosses, she discovers they are not saved but harvested.

Complete at 118,000 words, PRIMITIVE PRIME is an adult science fiction novel that combines the interstellar intimacy of Simon Jimenez’s THE VANISHED BIRDS with the interstellar limitations on human ambition in Ann Leckie's RADIANT STAR . It draws inspiration from the understated horror of Kazuo Ishiguro’s NEVER LET ME GO.

When settlers from Old Earth arrive on Moon, a satellite orbiting a ruined planet far from home, they find an alien structure they call the Gate. They build their community and traditions around its ten year openings. One thousand years later, Rayel has spent her life studying in Moon’s ancient library and planning to cross. When she does, she discovers a technologically advanced society that promises to acclimate her into their world. Welcome curdles into containment, and Rayel searches for a way out. But as members of her crossing group disappear, she begins to fear there is none.

Unknown to Moon, when people cross they are rendered infertile. To the regime, crossers like Rayel are primitives: scanned as genetic templates, used to print adult citizens, and destroyed. Their originality threatens the ruling Prime class. Prime Kessen uses her status to rescue and hide crossers inside the segregated surveillance state. Her goals expand when a holy woman from Rayel’s world crosses with the knowledge the regime has sought for centuries: Moon’s location.

Rayel and Kessen’s paths collide when Kessen uses Rayel’s identity to gain the holy woman’s trust and position them aboard the regime’s mission to seize Moon. The plan: subvert the conquest, end blind crossings, save Moon’s crumbling community. But the Gate is older than either world, and the ancient intelligence behind it is waiting on their route with cryptic warnings of dangers ahead.

Bio follows

Hello! I want to thank everyone who gave me feedback on my first draft. I actually ended up throwing that one away and starting completely new. There are a few things I'm not confident in, and I think it takes some risks that may backfire, but I wanted to get an outside opinion. Thank you!

---

Dear (agent_name)

Danny has done well for a guy with no plan. He excelled in school, picked a lucrative major at a prestigious college, and even started a promising career in New York City. But now what? He’s not quite sure. Good thing he’s got his close friends, Ella and Nate, to keep him distracted from the question. After all, Nate’s the one who taught him back in college to just go with the flow. So, when Nate leaves to join a group of strangers he just met that night, doesn’t show up for brunch the next day and stops picking up the phone, Danny’s pretty confident he’ll turn up sooner or later. Ella isn’t so sure. She convinces Danny to check Nate’s apartment where they find only a note that reads “hi.”

Danny concedes something’s up, and decides they need to retrace Nate’s steps. But when Ella suggests Nate may have left on purpose, he knows she’s wrong, because Nate would never do that. As their search continues into Brooklyn with no end in sight, Ella pleads with Danny to go to the police. But there's no need. After all, this next clue is gonna be the one to finally lead them to Nate. Instead, he waits like always for Ella to lead them to each next place. Making her navigate works great, until the clues run dry and Danny finds himself on a sidewalk alone after Ella storms off. As he waits on a subway platform for a train home, he swears he can feel the rust grow on his skin, and he’s now more sure than ever that Nate left on his own. So, now what?

WHERE’S NATE? is a work of contemporary fiction, complete at 96,000 words. It will appeal to readers who enjoy (COMPS TBD).

(BIO)

I've included the first (TBD) pages of the manuscript below.

Thanks for your time and consideration,

(NAME)

Seems like my previous attempt was almost there, so I've made a few small tweaks and just putting through this version for a final look over. Thank you to everyone who has given feedback so far, I appreciate it!

Dear [Agent Name],

THE WINTER WOODS is a young adult fantasy novel featuring a biracial and aromantic-asexual protagonist, complete at 79,000 words. It evokes similar questions about belonging and morality as in If You Could See the Sun by Ann Liang, set in a fantasy world more comparable to The Otherwhere Post by Emily J. Taylor. Written as a standalone novel with potential for a sequel.

Seventeen-year-old Adelaide Dubois grew up wanting the magic of a healer. That dream died the day she manifested the ability to control others with her words. Knowing that any slip-up with her magic would reveal her illegal existence, Adelaide can only let the human half of herself show. Adelaide keeps her powers suppressed and uses her historian apprenticeship to search for clues about her elven heritage. When half-elf children like her are kidnapped and taken to the elven kingdom, Adelaide jumps at the chance to finally use her research and persuasion powers to help someone.

But when Adelaide catches up to the missing children, she’s less sure that she would be saving anyone by bringing them home. The elven king promises this is a trial to see if half-elves can live in his kingdom again and invites Adelaide to be part of it. It’s too easy to say yes: everything is wonderful and spellbinding, and, for the first time, Adelaide doesn’t have to hide who she is. 

The facade starts to crack when Adelaide’s requests to see the other children are repeatedly denied, and she is forced to use her powers against a friend to maintain her place in this new world.  Unable to shake the feeling that something sinister is occurring, Adelaide investigates and uncovers previous deadly experiments — ordained by the king himself. Adelaide must combine her knowledge of both worlds and master her powers in time to get everyone home. If she fails, the captured children will be in mortal danger, and Adelaide will be complicit.

THE WINTER WOODS draws on my experience of navigating heritage and identity as a biracial woman. Unfortunately, the only magic power I possess is the ability to make miniature origami cranes.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

[Name]

Tightened up the manuscript, and tried to improve the language of the query letter. Also moved the prologue so it's now a true interlude. First 300 now starting with Shane's story. Thank you all in advance!

First attempt.

I’m seeking representation for THE LATTERLANDS, an adult horror-fantasy novel complete at 103,000 words. After his death, Shane Richards must navigate a deity-less underworld to escape a human-created hell.

Shane has spent his whole life serving only himself. It’s hard work, resulting in a good education, a six-figure job, and an attractive partner who doesn’t completely hate him, even though he’s not exactly faithful. But all that means nothing when faced with the cancer eating his brain. Worse, after he dies he’s immediately captured and taken to the Red City.

To hell.

Castellated walls, angry centaurs, and the gate’s fabled inscription evoke lectures from Shane’s college days about Dante. Though as he’s brought before Minos, something feels off: some of the architecture is from the later Renaissance, his demon captors don’t exactly talk using archaic vocabulary, and Minos judges him by wrapping his left arm around himself rather than a tail. Finally, when a riot breaks out and he follows Dante’s gauntlet to the center, hoping to escape, instead of Lucifer Shane finds only an empty room. The demons catch up with him there, but he’s saved by a woman named Sabril, who tells him no divine powers, or devils, govern this underworld—that hell is entirely human-made.

They flee, and Shane discovers the wider world of the Latterlands, of which hell is only a small part. But human as they are beneath their masks and armor, the demons are both dangerous and relentless. Sabril tells Shane she isn’t truly dead, and that they plan to use her vessel to ascend to the living world. She’s recaptured, and though Shane evades them, he’s torn. A new life might await him in the afterlife’s range of forests and hills. However, even if he continually evades capture, an eternity is a long time to live with a guilty conscience. But alleviating it means facing the demons, and even crazier, actually doing something for someone else.

THE LATTERLANDS is interspersed with tales about different people from history—a roguish Neanderthal, an Egyptian queen, a Middle Ages priest, a Greek scholar, and a devout apostle—coming to the underworld and realizing that the only trace of their gods there is the baggage they’ve brought with them. It combines the portal fantasy and immortality aspects of THIS KINGDOM WILL NOT KILL ME by Ilona Andrews with the alien, unforgiving world (and afterlife) of GRAVE EMPIRE by Richard Swan.

(BIO)

First 287:

Doctor Beil held up a copy of the scan. It looked like a Rorschach image in infrared, like Shane was supposed to be seeing his own inner biases reflected back at him. Only it wasn’t his inner biases, just his inner body. It was possible, he supposed, that you could look at an MRI scan and make out a different shape or two from its nebulous, cloud-like patterns. Shane, however, saw only what it was: the blue of a large brain and the orange of a small tumor.

“How long does he have?” Nikki asked, sitting beside him.

Shane shot his wife a glare. Why would she ask that? Weren’t there a thousand other questions before that one, like, “Is it treatable?” or even, “Is it malignant?” On top of that, had Shane imagined it, or…had she sounded eager?

“Oh, I don’t think it’s anything our surgeons can’t handle,” Doctor Beil said, an attractive woman with red hair, glasses, and a habit of always skirting around dark questions—and their answers—with a boast. So. Malignant, then.

Shane Richards slumped down in his seat as the two women launched into a conversation of which, although he was certain he was the central subject, sounded like it wanted to have as little to do with him as possible. Honestly, the way they got on together, he wouldn’t be surprised if they had some sort of secret pact to fuck on his grave.

In fact, ever since his fainting incident at the office had caused him to suspect he had cancer, he'd felt like the whole world was holding its breath, in secret conspiracy with itself to be happy the moment he was gone. Someone would throw a party for sure.

Second try here, thanks for all the input so far! I know a lot of people here don't like opening paragraphs like this, but I believe it sets the tone for the story.

[Name,]

What if, instead of leaping off a cliff to their watery deaths, lemmings were instead traveling through a portal to their home world? What if the Knights Templar were really a shadowy race of space-faring, shape-shifting lizard-people, or if Bigfoot's name was Fred and he wore a bow tie that enabled him to speak? When McKenna Lowry meets Letty, a free-spirited woman with a knack for finding trouble in the strangest ways, they make an unlikely ally as they stumble out into the galaxy to stop the Knights from taking over Earth for themselves. 

McKenna first encounters Letty during a particularly disastrous twenty-eighth birthday party. Frustrated with life, she agrees to go on a quest to find Letty's missing spirit animals, and the next day they pick up a space ship for a bargain from a scorned socialite and an unexpected hitchhiker—Bigfoot, accompanied by his pet chupacabra. After being left on a space station by her parents at seven years old, McKenna isn't surprised by the existence of space travel, but she is astounded by the appearance of the mythical Bigfoot.

Their journey is immediately derailed when a stealthy ship attempts to capture them when they reach orbit. The duo narrowly escape by blundering through a wormhole that leads to a world of angry lemmings. Amid a heated argument about returning to Earth and back to their boring lives, they learn that Bigfoot is charged with maintaining the Holy Grail—a beacon that broadcasts Earth's location to other races throughout the Milky Way as part of a backup plan to prevent the extinction of sentient life. The shadowy Knights Templar want it for themselves, and McKenna and Letty unwittingly lurched into the fight the moment they left Earth.

Far from home and chased by the Knights, McKenna believes she has no choice but to assist Fred in his effort to stop them. The trio travel deep into the galaxy on the advice of a seer Kraken that lives in a fishbowl-shaped space station and trades prophecies for water. Unsure of how to stop the Knights Templar, McKenna and her friends follow their poorly-developed instincts into a series of traps and pitfalls until finally settling on a last minute plan.

Flight of the Lemmings is an 80,000 word, fast-paced and hilarious romp through the stars that will give readers a staccato series of laughs. Fans of John Scalzi's snarky tone in Starter Villian and Becky Chambers' emotional Wayfarer Series are sure to enjoy this story of chaos and love in outer space.

[Bio]

[Why I'm querying you]

[Thanks, etc]

[Signature]

Back for another round!

Previous attempt: [QCrit] Adult Science-Fantasy - BENEATH AN EMERALD EYE (95k Words/5th Attempt) : r/PubTips

I feel as if I've zeroed in on it. This round changed pretty much purely in wording and not in content. The advice I received last time was to make Elisav and Amaram the subject of as many sentences as possible, to remove abstract nouns, and that it may sound strange to me this is the way to structure a query rather than prose.

Six attempt is 100% a lot, and I feel as if I am putting off sending queries now, but I want to put my best foot forward.

I also found that while I was much more nervous this round it did in fact take less time to actually make the edits to the query. Hopefully this is a sign of progress.

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Dear [Agent Name]

I am writing to seek representation for my 95,000-word Adult Science-Fantasy novel. BENEATH AN EMERALD EYE is a dual perspective narrative exploring a dilapidated world-spanning metropolis where technological expertise has been reduced to mysticism. It will appeal to fans of  M. L. Wang’s Blood over Bright Haven’s blending of technology & magic and Arkady Martine’s A Memory Called Empire’s world spanning municipal ecosystem.

Elisav is done hiding.

Plucked from the capital’s orphanages by a mistake in computation, Elisav is trapped in a life she has little control over. She spent her childhood disguised as a boy, excelling amongst the Bloodscions, an all-male order of technician mystics maintaining the world-city’s blood hungry machines. Now an adult, Elisav cannot leave, for if discovered she will be condemned to life imprisonment for her unsanctioned knowledge. Despite this, Elisav dreams of one day using her connections to change doctrine and gain the freedom to practice her arts openly.  

When a powerful military official visits her district, Elisav seizes the opportunity. She hopes that by supplying information on suspected revolutionaries she will curry favor. Elisav’s plan backfires, the lead triggering a rebel attack. Injured and exposed, Elisav is forced to flee before she can be punished. 

On the run Elisav discovers Amaram, a traveling performer who claims to be an apprentice of the father she never knew. He begs her to accompany him and insists her blood is vital to fulfill her father’s legacy–a legacy that always intended to make Elisav the first female bloodscion. 

However, once in the capital, Amaram refuses to explain who killed her father or what lurks in the catacombs beneath the city. To discover the truth Elisav investigates, discovering Amaram’s own connections to rebels. Soon one thing becomes clear–Amaram too intends to decide for her, believing her father’s legacy too dangerous for anyone but himself to inherit. Elisav must choose– trust Amaram’s schemes or forge her own path to the secrets of her past.

I am [Bio Stuff]

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A drawing repeated a dozen times, covering glass portholes in smeared ink. Stenciled faces, sunken and pained, gazed up from monochrome caskets. 

As her master and the Comptroller-General inspected the vandalism, Elisav locked eyes with her smudged reflection. Neophytes trailed the discussion, the gaggle unable to decide what constituted a respectable distance. Yellowed flesh workers, red archivists, pale mechanics, and a smattering of less common disciplines milled nervously. All avoided looking at her jet-black suit. Rank and nerves separated her from their mass, but that was not the sole distinguisher.

They were all boys. 

Cropped ebony hair, cut into a bowl, framed her narrow face. Thin lips sat below suspicious sunken eyes, ones mirroring the graffiti’s own. Once again Elisav was thankful for the bagginess of bloodscion ceremonial garb. Coupled with copious bindings, the two had helped disguise her hips and bosom since puberty. 

Their landing sat in the crevice between two colossal tanks, each over a thousand feet high and full to the brim. Dividers separated various submerged fisheries. Men in heavy rubber suits pulled themselves along knotted leads, aided by bulbous golems with corkscrew motors. Their inspection of the facilities had been interrupted, casket portraits defacing each and every observation deck.

The stenciled murals had not been present the previous night, instead painted in the brief span of time after sunset before the graveyard shift. Lighting in the upper district assumed reflected moonlight would aid in illumination, but no upgrades had been made in decades to account for changing celestial circumstances. Dark storm clouds covering the moon’s emerald visage provided all the darkness the graffitiers required. When was the last time she’d seen it whole? Elisav couldn’t remember. 

With a deep breath she returned to the men’s conversation. Remain focused, you can do this.