Hello, this is the second version of my query letter. Thank you to everyone who left advice before! I mostly reworked the letter from scratch, cutting a lot of unnecessary detail, and focusing on a smaller portion of the novel as was suggested in the previous thread. Please let me know your thoughts!

Dear [Agent name],

Beneath the oceans of Atlantis, 27th-century knights protect the domes. Jules Brandly is one of them, or rather, she was—five seconds ago. Dismissed by her own godmother for reasons the narrator insists he will not disclose, little remains for Jules but to keep on living. Three words ring at the back of her mind: deficient, unreliable, and, most importantly, unworthy.

After a brief depressive slumber, with sword on hip and a need to pay rent, Jules finds new employment as a bouncer. Meanwhile, the narrator would prefer to discuss the intricacies of Greek mythology and mourn his deceased pet fish.

But… Jules is someone who hopes—for something that is not this.

When she abandons her new livelihood, embarking on an impromptu journey to reconnect with her estranged nun-sister, Jules becomes entangled in a conspiracy between two plotting gods seeking, ostensibly, to raid the royal vaults.

They seek a knight.

Fortunately for them, one has just become available. Less fortunately for our poor narrator, and despite his bemoaning of adventure and glory, he is powerless to stop the odyssey bearing down on unsuspecting Jules.

Oh, the underwater humanity.

Klea Andrōn is a 95,000-word adult upmarket speculative novel with science fiction and fantasy elements told by an intrusive narrator.

It will appeal to readers who enjoyed the collision of urban life with the mythic and weird as seen in The Saint of Bright Doors. Moments of irreverent prose and “swords in space” may also appeal to readers of Gideon the Ninth. Those who enjoyed the mystery and strangely enticing world of Piranesi will similarly have much to decipher in Klea Andrōn.

(BIO)

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards,
x

Competitive pool's biggest purses have crossed the million-dollar mark, with individual winners' shares now topping two hundred fifty thousand dollars, the highest in the sport's history, and the game's fastest growth is concentrated in Asia, where China alone is home to an estimated sixty million players. The Government has included it in school curricula since 2014; it's a huge untapped book market.
Pool players are also some of the most self-study-driven athletes in any sport, yet no book has treated the mental side of pool with real psychological rigor in over twenty years, since Philip Capelle's A Mind for Pool and Bob Fancher's Pleasures of Small Motions, both now well past their second decade. COMPETITIVE POOL: WHY SKILL ALONE IS NOT ENOUGH is a complete 40,500-word manuscript built to fill that gap.

The book follows five real tournament stories rather than abstract theory: a tournament loss that exposes what happens in the mind after an unforced error, a ten hour flow day that captures what it feels like to play in a state where nothing misses, a night against a shark that shows how tilt and gamesmanship actually operate at the table, and a closing chapter that ties the three into a repeatable framework. Eighteen practical dares close out the four acts.

Each act also pairs with a personality based training layer, letting readers identify their own thought and training preferences by "type" rather than follow one generic method, a hook with particular pull in a region where personality typing already carries deep cultural traction. The reader gets personally connected emotionally; it helps them fix major issues in their game. Word of mouth among players will be huge.

The manuscript is now under review by six elite pool professionals: Sam Diep, Jasmin Ouschan, Thorston Hohmann, Niels Feijen, and WPBA Elite Pro Jennifer Barretta, and initial feedback so far has been very good. I have also had feedback from 30 high-level NYC pool players; they were shocked at how the information in this book helped them.

I have played competitive pool for twenty years, and I have studied psychology for thirty years. My family has had Psychology and Physics books in universities since 1990's. It is in the family.... COMPETITIVE POOL is the first in a planned series applying the same framework to other sports, with companion manuscripts underway for golf and table tennis. They have 100 and 300 million players... Getting 1% to buy would be delusional?

Comps: THE MENTAL GAME OF POKER by Jared Tendler (2011) and Barry Carter; A MIND FOR POOL by Philip B. Capelle (1999)

All feedback welcome; thank you for your time.

Jericho and I am in print offer paid 121s with agents to look over your query package etc.

Has anyone done them / do they recommend? It seems quite expensive for the amount of time you get but perhaps it’s enough?

Hello!

Thank you so much for the feedback on my first attempt I got a lot of very helpful feedback. Obviously the word count has gone up as I redrafted to make this novel Dual POV after my last pass. Thought I'd take another stab at the query. I will probably do one more pass on the letter and start querying.

_____

Dear AGENT,

I’m excited to present FANGIRL, a 95,000-word Celebrity/Stan romance with a classic fake dating trope, the glamorous and awkward shenanigans of ‘How To Fake It In Hollywood’ by Ava Wilder and ‘Nora Goes Off Script’ by Annabel Monaghan, and a down-on-her-luck heroine akin to the main characters of ‘Promise Me Sunshine’ by Cara Bastone and ‘Daddy Issues’ by Kate Goldbeck. 

Millie McGraw is happy. Sure, she’s totally buried in her mom’s unpaid medical debts since she died. And yeah, maybe life hasn’t been the easiest after what certainly wasn’t a suicide attempt on the roof of her building. But Millie has her fan art, her favorite show ‘Knights of the Nebula’, and best of all, Zandros Deathpiercer, the brooding hunky hero of said show, who’s definitely not her imaginary friend. It’s much more mysterious and interesting than that. 

When Millie wins a free ticket to the biggest sci fi convention in L.A by placing in the ‘Knights of the Nebula’ fanart contest, she is over the moon. And not that she cares, but the grand prize is a dinner date with the actor who plays Zandros, Charlie Kaneda, a guy who could never in a million years stack up to the fictional man of her dreams. 

Charlie Kaneda’s star is fading fast as his first leading role comes to a close. Angry and bitter, in the middle of a divorce, he’s shot his mouth off too many times in public, and rejected way too many gigs for fear of selling out. So when his agent comes to him with the con appearance, his back is against the wall. He’ll have to appear as the character he’s struggled not to be defined by, in the same setting that produced his worst stalker. It’s a total nightmare.

After Millie wins first place in the fanart contest, Millie gets swept up in the moment, kissing Charlie when she mistakes him for Zandros. Their date is a disaster. Charlie is rude, drunk, and completely heartbroken over his imminent divorce with co-star Leila. And when Leila shows up at the same restaurant where they are having their ‘date’, Charlie tells Leila that Millie is really his girlfriend after Leila reveals her engagement to her personal trainer. Millie plays along with his scheme out of pity. 

But when suggestive photos of Millie and Charlie explode on social media and in the tabloids the next day, Charlie approaches Millie with an offer: pretend to date him publicly and salvage his reputation for enough money to pay off all of her debts. Millie agrees, but there is one big caveat: the version of Zandros that lives in her head is furious. 

Millie struggles to keep fantasy and reality balanced as she and Charlie become closer and closer. Will their epic saga end in love? Or tears? And as Millie’s life becomes more and more fodder for the gossip mill, will her biggest secret tear the whole scheme apart?

(bio)

Hello, fellow (q)critters.

I'm trying to find the motivation to finish my next novel after my previous completed project's extremities turned gangrenous in the querying trenches. This book isn't complete yet but I know exactly what it is, and so I thought I'd get some practice in now so that when I (hopefully) finally finish this thing, my pitch will be in a decent place. Any feedback will be welcomed with open (gangrenous) arms. Much love.

--- QUERY ---

Dear [AGENT],

Who is responsible for the suffering of fictional characters?

GORDON is a philosophical horror novel of [FINAL WORD COUNT]. [COMPS].

A young girl dreams of Gordon, whose voice compels her to come to him. Without even asking why, she leaves the horrors of Mother Superior and “bath time” in the rear-view mirror of momma’s beat-up jalopy.

Gordon’s out there somewhere, she just doesn’t know where. She has a map, but what use is a map when you don’t even know where you are? Hitting the road regardless, it soon hits back.

She’ll need to grow up fast if she’s to survive life on the path to Gordon. Perverts, a dying farmer and some truly menacing wieners lie in wait. But at least she has the G-man to talk to about it all. Or his answering machine, at least. Gordon can’t come to the phone right now.

To make things worse, something’s not quite right with her memory. It’s almost as if the previous chapters of her life are being rewritten as she drifts from place to place.

With her story fading behind her, only Gordon has the power to end her suffering.

[SIGN OFF].

--- SAMPLE ---

Gordon

Murray, May 2nd 1972

“Hey, friend. Leave me a message and maybe I’ll get back to you some day.”

“I did it, Gord. Gordo. You hear me? I did it. I got up and I said, ‘Momma, I have to go’. And so I did. I went. And now I’m here in Buttfuck. In no place. Murray, actually. That’s where I am. I think. The map is kinda hard to read. Why is that, Gord? Ain’t maps supposed to be, you know, easy?

"Momma went apeshit, man. Just ape, she went. But I couldn’t stay there no more. Couldn’t let her keep doing that. It ain’t right I don’t think. She said she was gonna shoot Stevie if I left. But she won’t. She’s said that shit so many times it’s just like saying good morning now. Or good night more like. If I don’t do what she wants she tells me she’s gonna shoot Stevie and make him into dogfood. Hey, maybe that’s why they call it dogfood? He probably wants to be shot anyhow. All old and tired all the time. Poor guy. Momma don’t like it to be easy like that. I will miss him though, Gordo. Old Stevie. His silly red hair. Or fur maybe. Least I think it’s red. Yeah, that sounds right. Red fur. Stevie, right?"

Tightened up the manuscript, and tried to improve the language of the query letter. Also moved the prologue so it's now a true interlude. First 300 now starting with Shane's story. Thank you all in advance!

First attempt.

I’m seeking representation for THE LATTERLANDS, an adult horror-fantasy novel complete at 103,000 words. After his death, Shane Richards must navigate a deity-less underworld to escape a human-created hell.

Shane has spent his whole life serving only himself. It’s hard work, resulting in a good education, a six-figure job, and an attractive partner who doesn’t completely hate him, even though he’s not exactly faithful. But all that means nothing when faced with the cancer eating his brain. Worse, after he dies he’s immediately captured and taken to the Red City.

To hell.

Castellated walls, angry centaurs, and the gate’s fabled inscription evoke lectures from Shane’s college days about Dante. Though as he’s brought before Minos, something feels off: some of the architecture is from the later Renaissance, his demon captors don’t exactly talk using archaic vocabulary, and Minos judges him by wrapping his left arm around himself rather than a tail. Finally, when a riot breaks out and he follows Dante’s gauntlet to the center, hoping to escape, instead of Lucifer Shane finds only an empty room. The demons catch up with him there, but he’s saved by a woman named Sabril, who tells him no divine powers, or devils, govern this underworld—that hell is entirely human-made.

They flee, and Shane discovers the wider world of the Latterlands, of which hell is only a small part. But human as they are beneath their masks and armor, the demons are both dangerous and relentless. Sabril tells Shane she isn’t truly dead, and that they plan to use her vessel to ascend to the living world. She’s recaptured, and though Shane evades them, he’s torn. A new life might await him in the afterlife’s range of forests and hills. However, even if he continually evades capture, an eternity is a long time to live with a guilty conscience. But alleviating it means facing the demons, and even crazier, actually doing something for someone else.

THE LATTERLANDS is interspersed with tales about different people from history—a roguish Neanderthal, an Egyptian queen, a Middle Ages priest, a Greek scholar, and a devout apostle—coming to the underworld and realizing that the only trace of their gods there is the baggage they’ve brought with them. It combines the portal fantasy and immortality aspects of THIS KINGDOM WILL NOT KILL ME by Ilona Andrews with the alien, unforgiving world (and afterlife) of GRAVE EMPIRE by Richard Swan.

(BIO)

First 287:

Doctor Beil held up a copy of the scan. It looked like a Rorschach image in infrared, like Shane was supposed to be seeing his own inner biases reflected back at him. Only it wasn’t his inner biases, just his inner body. It was possible, he supposed, that you could look at an MRI scan and make out a different shape or two from its nebulous, cloud-like patterns. Shane, however, saw only what it was: the blue of a large brain and the orange of a small tumor.

“How long does he have?” Nikki asked, sitting beside him.

Shane shot his wife a glare. Why would she ask that? Weren’t there a thousand other questions before that one, like, “Is it treatable?” or even, “Is it malignant?” On top of that, had Shane imagined it, or…had she sounded eager?

“Oh, I don’t think it’s anything our surgeons can’t handle,” Doctor Beil said, an attractive woman with red hair, glasses, and a habit of always skirting around dark questions—and their answers—with a boast. So. Malignant, then.

Shane Richards slumped down in his seat as the two women launched into a conversation of which, although he was certain he was the central subject, sounded like it wanted to have as little to do with him as possible. Honestly, the way they got on together, he wouldn’t be surprised if they had some sort of secret pact to fuck on his grave.

In fact, ever since his fainting incident at the office had caused him to suspect he had cancer, he'd felt like the whole world was holding its breath, in secret conspiracy with itself to be happy the moment he was gone. Someone would throw a party for sure.

Second try here, thanks for all the input so far! I know a lot of people here don't like opening paragraphs like this, but I believe it sets the tone for the story.

[Name,]

What if, instead of leaping off a cliff to their watery deaths, lemmings were instead traveling through a portal to their home world? What if the Knights Templar were really a shadowy race of space-faring, shape-shifting lizard-people, or if Bigfoot's name was Fred and he wore a bow tie that enabled him to speak? When McKenna Lowry meets Letty, a free-spirited woman with a knack for finding trouble in the strangest ways, they make an unlikely ally as they stumble out into the galaxy to stop the Knights from taking over Earth for themselves. 

McKenna first encounters Letty during a particularly disastrous twenty-eighth birthday party. Frustrated with life, she agrees to go on a quest to find Letty's missing spirit animals, and the next day they pick up a space ship for a bargain from a scorned socialite and an unexpected hitchhiker—Bigfoot, accompanied by his pet chupacabra. After being left on a space station by her parents at seven years old, McKenna isn't surprised by the existence of space travel, but she is astounded by the appearance of the mythical Bigfoot.

Their journey is immediately derailed when a stealthy ship attempts to capture them when they reach orbit. The duo narrowly escape by blundering through a wormhole that leads to a world of angry lemmings. Amid a heated argument about returning to Earth and back to their boring lives, they learn that Bigfoot is charged with maintaining the Holy Grail—a beacon that broadcasts Earth's location to other races throughout the Milky Way as part of a backup plan to prevent the extinction of sentient life. The shadowy Knights Templar want it for themselves, and McKenna and Letty unwittingly lurched into the fight the moment they left Earth.

Far from home and chased by the Knights, McKenna believes she has no choice but to assist Fred in his effort to stop them. The trio travel deep into the galaxy on the advice of a seer Kraken that lives in a fishbowl-shaped space station and trades prophecies for water. Unsure of how to stop the Knights Templar, McKenna and her friends follow their poorly-developed instincts into a series of traps and pitfalls until finally settling on a last minute plan.

Flight of the Lemmings is an 80,000 word, fast-paced and hilarious romp through the stars that will give readers a staccato series of laughs. Fans of John Scalzi's snarky tone in Starter Villian and Becky Chambers' emotional Wayfarer Series are sure to enjoy this story of chaos and love in outer space.

[Bio]

[Why I'm querying you]

[Thanks, etc]

[Signature]

Quick context: I'm querying another project at the moment (quiet MG, slow but going okay so far) and have started writing the next one. This is it! I usually write quieter stories, so this is my attempt at something more plot-driven while keeping some of that thoughtfulness (write to market they say!).

Will be upfront, the manuscript is still very much a work in progress and I'm writing the query now to block out the concept and make sure it has a spine. The comps are placeholders for now (I know one's a film) and the word count isn't real yet.

Main questions: does the premise hook, does the voice land or try too hard? This is rooted in Chinese Mythology, the same mythology the recent Nezha animated films are based on. Do you see that as a risk?

Thanks in advance.

Dear [Agent],

Ao Bing is the Third Prince of the Eastern Sea, Keeper of the Tide Pearl, and Very Important. He is also a dragon. His father, Lung Wong, runs the celestial rain bureau — every drizzle delivered by edict, every typhoon properly stamped. So when Ao Bing smuggles an unauthorized storm to the surface, just for fun, he is banished before dessert. Ao Bing is not worried. Humans are small and easy to impress. One medium-sized miracle, one temple, home by dinner. He has already decided what the temple should look like.

Except banishment, it turns out, comes with a body: human, boy-shaped, about twelve. The fishing village his father sent him to? Now a half-demolished construction site, cranes where the gods' bells used to hang. Storm warnings come from glowing rectangles. Half the city stands on land stolen from the sea. He can feel it under the pavement. The filthy harbor leaves him too sick to conjure a drizzle. And the water is too fouled to carry his voice home.

His only ally is Mei: actually twelve, drainage-map nerd, science-fair champion, zero belief in dragons. Her grandmother tends the last shrine to Lung Wong, the Dragon King. Her mother's job is convincing grandma to sell it. And Mei, betrayal of the highest order, wants the redevelopment to succeed. New school, new start. That's what she tells herself anyways.

Then the typhoon hits, and Ao Bing knows his father's work. This storm carries no edict, no seal. Nobody sent it. The new drains fail, and the flood follows a buried river only a dragon remembers — straight for her grandmother's shrine, the last house on the waterfront. He can't stop the water. Nobody can. But a prince who knows where the water wants to go, and a girl who knows every pump and culvert built on top of it, might guide it home — if Ao Bing can figure out what dragons are still for.

AO BING AND THE DROWNED RIVER is a 53,000-word middle grade fantasy, standalone with series potential, where a certain fire-footed troublemaker is standing on the seawall on the final page. Told in Ao Bing's loud, ceremonially braggy voice, it blends the gods-meet-modern-world comedy of Zachary Ying and the Dragon Emperor with the intergenerational heart of Turning Red, for every kid whose parents prepared them for a world that no longer exists.

I'm a Chinese Australian writer, my parents are from Hong Kong, and this story draws on the Cantonese dragon lore and vanishing harbor villages of my family's world. A city transformed within one human lifetime, which to a dragon is the blink of an eye.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Hello again! You can find my first attempt here. Thanks for the lovely feedback last time, you all work magic here.

Dear Agent,

Finn “Sharkfin” Shylo is a champion gladiator, and for two years, she’s longed to stop fighting. Ripped from her homeland, imprisoned as a slave, and forced into bloodsport for the king’s entertainment, she’s nearly won enough matches to at last earn back her freedom. When her final match arrives, she defeats her opponent in a shocking display—and at the sight of her victory, the king’s heart stops.

With a dead king and no one else to blame, Finn is quickly accused of his murder and locked away. Her only hope of escape is Bruno, a noble who claims to be on her side. He can’t exonerate her, but he can help her slip away—if she spends her first days of freedom slaying a fearsome monster that’s threatening his family’s shores. Finn doesn’t trust nobles on principle, but Bruno seems friendly, generous, and most importantly, naïve. He’ll be easy enough to shake. Finn sets sail with him, confident that the only real monsters are the new king’s ships trailing them.

But as Finn looks for her opportunity to run, the ocean grows more sinister. Storm clouds weep blood upon the deck. Sailors grow fangs in the night. People whisper that the monster cannot be killed. When it finally strikes, Finn knows she should have listened. Now, she’s left with no ship, no crew, and a mortally injured Bruno. If she can survive, she might yet have her freedom. But the monster hunts her still. And the king’s ships are only circling closer.

MUTINY is a standalone 100,000 word adult dark fantasy. It would be perfect for fans of the dystopian tone and characters of Chain-Gang All-Stars by Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah, the fantasy setting and plot of Anji Kills A King by Evan Leikam, and the adventurous feel and creature features of Hell’s Heart by Alexis Hall. I work in immigration law in [X], and I live with two cats, [X], who are my own little monsters. Thank you for your consideration.

I've been having a blast writing this, but because my last novel is dying a slow death in the query trenches without a single full request I'm now paranoid about the hookiness of this new manuscript. It's not done yet but I'm shooting for around 80k. I had a much easier time finding comps for this one at least.

‐------

LILY is an adult paranormal horror, 80,000 words, about the first woman, Lilith, confronting the curse that marked her as the Mother of Demons. My novel blends the monster's point of view of Someone You Can Build A Nest In by John Wiswell with the wickedly entertaining feminine rage of How To Kill Men And Get Away With It by Katy Brent.

Before God made Eve out of Adam's rib, there was defiant Lilith, who still stalks the earth after being thrown out of Eden. Cursed to become the Mother of Demons, this century she goes by Lily Graceling. Her manic pixie dream girl persona attracts just the right kind of pathetic asshole she likes to telepathically control and then suck the life out of to create her demon children. Just because she's cursed to an eternity of being a succubus doesn't mean she can't enjoy seeing the descendants of Adam suffer.

However, something goes wrong when she tries to telepathically control her next victim, Steven. Instead of having full control, she finds herself attached to his emotions and memories, and he to hers, unable to disconnect. She's suppressed any empathy she's ever had for millennia, making Steven's psychic shackling unbearable torture. Yet whenever she tries to give him a quick, painless death to end it, she hesitates. Seeing bits and pieces of this miserable man's life holding up a mirror to her rage-filled one, knowing he can feel her pain, accepting that she can feel his, forces her to ask why she became a monster in the first place. Because if Lilith doesn't have to be a monster, then what is she?

I live in the (city) area with my pet bunny and my boyfriend. I studied Theater at (University), which gave me invaluable insights into the art of storytelling. I've been published in (magazine names). Thanks for your consideration.

Hello! This is my first post! I am looking for feedback on my query for my novel, INCARNADINE. I am excluding the agent personalization and author bio. Would love any constructive feedback you have to offer! Comps are so hard, so if you feel you have a suggestion for one I would happily take that, too!

ANNA KARENINA meets DARK SOULS with a spy-thriller twist in INCARNADINE. A genre-bent Adult Gothic Fantasy x Spy Thriller novel that will appeal to readers of THE SHADOWS BETWEEN US and fans of non-elemental magic systems such as ONE DARK WINDOW. The manuscript is complete at 103k words with series potential.

Mila Nikto has devoted her life to a rebel faction set on overthrowing the Rytsar, the most powerful sorcerer in history. To that end, she infiltrates a deadly magical game played only by the elite and is thrown into a world of riches, glamour, and carnage where trust is more damning than blood and secrets are even more dangerous than the players. As the game grows deadlier, Mila begins to uncover the secrets behind the Rytsar, his magic, and the rebellion itself. Caught in a magically binding contract, she has no choice but to finish the game even as she begins to question the goal of the rebels and the dark forces they seek to release. Mila came to destroy the Rytsar but now she must choose: fulfill the mission of a rebellion she has begun to question or save a man who could be holding a greater enemy at bay. Either way, the cost is a soul.

Back for another round!

Previous attempt: [QCrit] Adult Science-Fantasy - BENEATH AN EMERALD EYE (95k Words/5th Attempt) : r/PubTips

I feel as if I've zeroed in on it. This round changed pretty much purely in wording and not in content. The advice I received last time was to make Elisav and Amaram the subject of as many sentences as possible, to remove abstract nouns, and that it may sound strange to me this is the way to structure a query rather than prose.

Six attempt is 100% a lot, and I feel as if I am putting off sending queries now, but I want to put my best foot forward.

I also found that while I was much more nervous this round it did in fact take less time to actually make the edits to the query. Hopefully this is a sign of progress.

------------

Dear [Agent Name]

I am writing to seek representation for my 95,000-word Adult Science-Fantasy novel. BENEATH AN EMERALD EYE is a dual perspective narrative exploring a dilapidated world-spanning metropolis where technological expertise has been reduced to mysticism. It will appeal to fans of  M. L. Wang’s Blood over Bright Haven’s blending of technology & magic and Arkady Martine’s A Memory Called Empire’s world spanning municipal ecosystem.

Elisav is done hiding.

Plucked from the capital’s orphanages by a mistake in computation, Elisav is trapped in a life she has little control over. She spent her childhood disguised as a boy, excelling amongst the Bloodscions, an all-male order of technician mystics maintaining the world-city’s blood hungry machines. Now an adult, Elisav cannot leave, for if discovered she will be condemned to life imprisonment for her unsanctioned knowledge. Despite this, Elisav dreams of one day using her connections to change doctrine and gain the freedom to practice her arts openly.  

When a powerful military official visits her district, Elisav seizes the opportunity. She hopes that by supplying information on suspected revolutionaries she will curry favor. Elisav’s plan backfires, the lead triggering a rebel attack. Injured and exposed, Elisav is forced to flee before she can be punished. 

On the run Elisav discovers Amaram, a traveling performer who claims to be an apprentice of the father she never knew. He begs her to accompany him and insists her blood is vital to fulfill her father’s legacy–a legacy that always intended to make Elisav the first female bloodscion. 

However, once in the capital, Amaram refuses to explain who killed her father or what lurks in the catacombs beneath the city. To discover the truth Elisav investigates, discovering Amaram’s own connections to rebels. Soon one thing becomes clear–Amaram too intends to decide for her, believing her father’s legacy too dangerous for anyone but himself to inherit. Elisav must choose– trust Amaram’s schemes or forge her own path to the secrets of her past.

I am [Bio Stuff]

---------

A drawing repeated a dozen times, covering glass portholes in smeared ink. Stenciled faces, sunken and pained, gazed up from monochrome caskets. 

As her master and the Comptroller-General inspected the vandalism, Elisav locked eyes with her smudged reflection. Neophytes trailed the discussion, the gaggle unable to decide what constituted a respectable distance. Yellowed flesh workers, red archivists, pale mechanics, and a smattering of less common disciplines milled nervously. All avoided looking at her jet-black suit. Rank and nerves separated her from their mass, but that was not the sole distinguisher.

They were all boys. 

Cropped ebony hair, cut into a bowl, framed her narrow face. Thin lips sat below suspicious sunken eyes, ones mirroring the graffiti’s own. Once again Elisav was thankful for the bagginess of bloodscion ceremonial garb. Coupled with copious bindings, the two had helped disguise her hips and bosom since puberty. 

Their landing sat in the crevice between two colossal tanks, each over a thousand feet high and full to the brim. Dividers separated various submerged fisheries. Men in heavy rubber suits pulled themselves along knotted leads, aided by bulbous golems with corkscrew motors. Their inspection of the facilities had been interrupted, casket portraits defacing each and every observation deck.

The stenciled murals had not been present the previous night, instead painted in the brief span of time after sunset before the graveyard shift. Lighting in the upper district assumed reflected moonlight would aid in illumination, but no upgrades had been made in decades to account for changing celestial circumstances. Dark storm clouds covering the moon’s emerald visage provided all the darkness the graffitiers required. When was the last time she’d seen it whole? Elisav couldn’t remember. 

With a deep breath she returned to the men’s conversation. Remain focused, you can do this. 

Hello! I have paused querying my novel after about 30 form rejections, no requests. I sought out some feedback from a beta reader/editor on both the query and the manuscript itself, and I agree with their feeling that my original query letter was not effective (particularly in regards to how I was classifying the genre and the comps I was using).

I have completely revised my query letter based on that feedback and would like to receive additional input. I've realized that some aspects of the novel - it's a fantasy, but set in space, and it features a dual timeline - could make it a tougher sale to traditional publishers. However, I want to make sure my query letter is as effective and accurate as it can possibly be.

I would appreciate any input or critiques!

Dear [name],

I am writing to seek representation for AS WE WATCH THE STARS BURN, my completed 85,000-word new adult fantasy novel set in space. This standalone story features a lovers-to-enemies dynamic between a conflicted hero and a relentless female villain whose vengeful crusade is at war with the desires of her heart. 

Told through multiple POVs and weaving together dual timelines, AS WE WATCH THE STARS BURN combines the magic and forbidden romance of Kristen Ciccarelli’s HEARTLESS HUNTER, the betrayal and complex female characters found in HOUSE OF THE DRAGON, and the sweeping intergalactic setting of HUNT THE STARS by Jessie Mihalik.

Zade Sevvál was born a prince but surrenders his life of privilege to search for purpose and meaning with the Scholars of the Rift, a mysterious monastic order dedicated to guarding the ancient Rift Stones that give the Scholars the magical powers they use to serve those in need. His new vows to the order are tested when he falls in love with Sabine Ty’reel, a young woman trapped by a dangerous debt. Their forbidden bond shatters when Sabine betrays Zade and takes his Rift Stone, using her newfound powers to launch a brutal war bringing her vision for justice to the galaxy. 

Zade still believes Sabine can be redeemed, but when he interferes with her plans, she feels she has to eliminate him—even though it breaks her heart. Zade is rescued by a blind seer named Kýra, a member of the growing resistance movement against Sabine’s tyranny. Kýra develops feelings for Zade, and Zade starts to fall for her too. However, as Zade’s quest for Sabine’s redemption twists into a mission of revenge, Kýra fears he will fall victim to the same darkness that consumed the woman he once loved. Zade has to find a way to stop Sabine and save the galaxy from burning without losing his soul, and Sabine must determine how much more of her humanity she is willing to sacrifice to occupy her stolen throne.

I have been employed in the communications industry for the past 15+ years in both journalism and public relations. I saw on your [personalization source] that you are looking for [personalization explanation], and I believe AS WE WATCH THE STARS BURN could be a good fit for your list. Thank you for your consideration of my novel! 

Hello PubTips,

This is my 5th attempt - but after a feedback from a lit agent I thought I would post my query letter for another round of review.

Basically an agent came back and said "This sounds like quite an in-depth structure, [advice on revising query letter because its not that commercial and it would be good to know before] " She mentioned about my writing in present tense (suggested past).

I replied the story has a interwoven timeline with flashbacks (due to the past-lives aspect of reincarnations and the past tense vs present is used to separate the two and POV shifts). Similar to Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern or Harrow the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir where there is 3rd and 1st person POV, past and present tense swaps but my novel main story is different from those so I haven't comp'd them. (Should I?)

I am not sure how to portray this but edit the query letter to reflect it, and I thought maybe labelling as upmarket would help? Or (I guess unrelated) is she right about the tense?

previous attempt: https://www.reddit.com/r/PubTips/comments/1rfm6rm/qcrit_magical_realismlgbtq_94k_fourth_attempt/

so... here is my query letter:

I am seeking representation for MOUNTAINS, RIVERS, GRASSES AND TREES, an East Asian inspired upmarket horror crossover with a touch of queer romance and the beliefs of reincarnation surrounding the red string theory that ties soulmates together at 95,0000 words. KPOP DEMON HUNTERS meets Studio Ghibli's SPIRITED AWAY for adults, the novel is dusted with magical realism and cinematic atmospheric depictions of the Afterlife with a haunting peripeteia plot-twist open-ending.

Blending the tender emotional depths of Under the Whispering Door by TJ Klune, and the darkly imaginative underworld setting of The Keeper of the Night by Kylie Lee Baker, the novel treats trauma as a horror that is carried through past lives. In the vein of the original myths of Soul Reapers from South Korea with a K-drama appeal, it is for readers who crave a yearning soulmate devotion, redemption of unreliable narrators and those who wish to be whisked away to liminal spaces with interwoven timelines.

Death has always sent its prettiest monster to collect August Rook. Not that he knows, but the soul remembers things the mind has forgotten.

Like any modern engineer and cutthroat Tech CEO, he's never wasted a second entertaining what happens after death. Not until he opens his eyes in the Underworld, greeted by a jeoseung saja - a Soul Reaper - who seems achingly familiar. Unfortunately, it turns out judgement for every calculated sacrifice of others he took, and self-serving choices he's made is undeniably real.

Faced with the soul trials that will determine if his soul will be worthy of reincarnation or eternal punishment, he vows to fight his way back up to life with the Reaper as his psychopomp. With each trial, August begins to piece together the unsettling truth behind his bond with the Reaper and why their connection feels disturbingly much, much older.

The Reaper guides August through the judgements, carrying a shared history known only to him; one that has condemned every reincarnation for August to be ruthless as he claws his way through life with gritted teeth. Their past is fractured, intimate, and buried beneath the trials is a red string that binds them together even in death.

At the end when he meets the final Judge of the Underworld, King Yama, August is granted a choice. Accept reincarnation and begin the cycle anew, or surrender his chance to offer it to the Grim Reaper. To choose himself would mean another chance at life, but to choose the other would end the cycle itself.

The choice is his to repeat once more.

[bio]

[sign off]

Dear [Agent Name],

I am seeking representation for AGGY **BOY, a completed 73,000-word adult upmarket coming-of-age novel with a crime-fiction engine, set in London in 1999. It is a standalone novel with series potential, for readers of THE **YOUNG **TEAM by Graeme Armstrong and WHO **THEY **WAS by Gabriel Krauze. It is an unsentimental coming-of-age story about a teenage boy seeking belonging in a criminal world.

Fifteen-year-old Ian Villa knows not to get attached. Whenever his mother moves house, he loses another school, another street and another chance to call somewhere home. Then he meets Anna, the first person who makes him want to stay.

Ian confronts Anna’s violent stepfather over the bruises she hides, but he makes her situation worse. Anna tells him to leave for his own good, so he runs. Homeless and determined to find a way back to her, Ian falls in with the Ruckus, a Russian criminal family led by Maxim Bulykin. They feed him, house him and offer him the money, muscle and connections he believes he needs to protect Anna.

But the Ruckus expect loyalty in return. Ian learns to burgle homes and obey the rules of their territory. Breaking into homes makes him feel at home. But the work draws him into a feud that has little to do with Anna. When a rival crew attacks the Ruckus and seriously injures Bulykin’s eldest son, now Ian’s close friend, the Ruckus demand retaliation.

Retaliation brings the feud closer to Anna. To keep her safe, Ian must decide whether he can walk away from the first place he has ever felt wanted, or whether, in trying to protect Anna, he has become another danger in her life.

I am an English teacher from London with a BA in English. My memories of late-1990s London and experience working with teenagers informed the novel.

Thank you for your consideration.

Yours sincerely,

Hello! I want to thank everyone who gave me feedback on my first draft. I actually ended up throwing that one away and starting completely new. There are a few things I'm not confident in, and I think it takes some risks that may backfire, but I wanted to get an outside opinion. Thank you!

---

Dear (agent_name)

Danny has done well for a guy with no plan. He excelled in school, picked a lucrative major at a prestigious college, and even started a promising career in New York City. But now what? He’s not quite sure. Good thing he’s got his close friends, Ella and Nate, to keep him distracted from the question. After all, Nate’s the one who taught him back in college to just go with the flow. So, when Nate leaves to join a group of strangers he just met that night, doesn’t show up for brunch the next day and stops picking up the phone, Danny’s pretty confident he’ll turn up sooner or later. Ella isn’t so sure. She convinces Danny to check Nate’s apartment where they find only a note that reads “hi.”

Danny concedes something’s up, and decides they need to retrace Nate’s steps. But when Ella suggests Nate may have left on purpose, he knows she’s wrong, because Nate would never do that. As their search continues into Brooklyn with no end in sight, Ella pleads with Danny to go to the police. But there's no need. After all, this next clue is gonna be the one to finally lead them to Nate. Instead, he waits like always for Ella to lead them to each next place. Making her navigate works great, until the clues run dry and Danny finds himself on a sidewalk alone after Ella storms off. As he waits on a subway platform for a train home, he swears he can feel the rust grow on his skin, and he’s now more sure than ever that Nate left on his own. So, now what?

WHERE’S NATE? is a work of contemporary fiction, complete at 96,000 words. It will appeal to readers who enjoy (COMPS TBD).

(BIO)

I've included the first (TBD) pages of the manuscript below.

Thanks for your time and consideration,

(NAME)

Seems like my previous attempt was almost there, so I've made a few small tweaks and just putting through this version for a final look over. Thank you to everyone who has given feedback so far, I appreciate it!

Dear [Agent Name],

THE WINTER WOODS is a young adult fantasy novel featuring a biracial and aromantic-asexual protagonist, complete at 79,000 words. It evokes similar questions about belonging and morality as in If You Could See the Sun by Ann Liang, set in a fantasy world more comparable to The Otherwhere Post by Emily J. Taylor. Written as a standalone novel with potential for a sequel.

Seventeen-year-old Adelaide Dubois grew up wanting the magic of a healer. That dream died the day she manifested the ability to control others with her words. Knowing that any slip-up with her magic would reveal her illegal existence, Adelaide can only let the human half of herself show. Adelaide keeps her powers suppressed and uses her historian apprenticeship to search for clues about her elven heritage. When half-elf children like her are kidnapped and taken to the elven kingdom, Adelaide jumps at the chance to finally use her research and persuasion powers to help someone.

But when Adelaide catches up to the missing children, she’s less sure that she would be saving anyone by bringing them home. The elven king promises this is a trial to see if half-elves can live in his kingdom again and invites Adelaide to be part of it. It’s too easy to say yes: everything is wonderful and spellbinding, and, for the first time, Adelaide doesn’t have to hide who she is. 

The facade starts to crack when Adelaide’s requests to see the other children are repeatedly denied, and she is forced to use her powers against a friend to maintain her place in this new world.  Unable to shake the feeling that something sinister is occurring, Adelaide investigates and uncovers previous deadly experiments — ordained by the king himself. Adelaide must combine her knowledge of both worlds and master her powers in time to get everyone home. If she fails, the captured children will be in mortal danger, and Adelaide will be complicit.

THE WINTER WOODS draws on my experience of navigating heritage and identity as a biracial woman. Unfortunately, the only magic power I possess is the ability to make miniature origami cranes.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

[Name]

Hi everyone! I'm new to this subreddit, but I've been browsing it for the past few hours and the community seems great. I'm extremely new to the writing space, so any comments are appreciated!

Dear Agent,

Elliot North and the Curse of Pandora’s Box is a 96,000-word YA contemporary fantasy where razor-sharp deduction is the only way to survive dimensions where trauma holds you hostage. Literally. It combines the witty voice and puzzle solving of The Inheritance Games, the found-family adventure of Percy Jackson, and the supernatural atmosphere of Stranger Things. It’s the first book in a planned trilogy, with books two and three already outlined.

Sixteen-year-old Elliot North has always been driven by an intense love of anything interesting, and what could be more interesting than when his late father’s broken watch starts humming for the first time in his life? It turns out, there is something more interesting: the rift in spacetime that the watch leads him to. Unable to tame his curiosity, Elliot dives in.

Inside, he finds Alice White—his classmate and resident honor student. Unable to cope with her parents’ recent divorce, she's now trapped in a dimension created entirely from her nightmares. The watch’s built-in compass that was permanently stuck on North begins rotating, and Elliot formulates a theory: it’s guiding him back to reality. But getting out requires more than a working compass, it requires Elliot to analyze the reality-bending dimension like a puzzle, deduce its internal logic, and engineer a solution before the nightmare swallows them whole.

What follows is unlike anything Elliot could have deduced. Together with Alice, his best friend Nick, and the social-media-savvy Ella, Elliot forms the True North Detective Agency—investigating missing persons cases and rescuing people from dimensions born from their personal trauma. From a knife-wielding mother who can teleport through reflections to a literal dark wizard and his pet chimera, they never know what monster they'll face next. But no matter how fantastical the world, the real mystery is always the same: what is this person carrying, and how do you help them put it down?

As Elliot and his friends save more and more people, they learn that there’s a catch. Every person they save tips the cosmic scales, accelerating a crisis no one else knows exists. Elliot’s always trusted that he’ll find the right answer if he looks hard enough. Now he has to decide whether saving one person is worth risking everyone.

Raised in the mountains of Pennsylvania, Thomas Billings has never imagined a life beyond his family’s farm. His father came to America in 1811 with the dream of land ownership, but the years of hardship in its pursuit have left him distant from the family he sacrificed so much for.

Everything changes for Thomas when he and his older brother, Michael, stay in Baltimore with their wealthy and childless Uncle. Surrounded by elegant homes and prosperous merchants, Thomas is committed to claiming that life for himself. He eagerly embraces his Uncle’s mentorship, while his brother thinks only of getting back to the comfort of what he knows.

When the brothers return to find their father ill, and the family farm passes to Michael, Thomas applies what he learned in Baltimore. Convinced that Pennsylvania’s forests will create the next generation of fortunes, Thomas becomes determined to build a sawmill of his own. But without money of his own, Thomas’s dream depends on his brother’s inheritance or Uncle James's support. When Michael refuses to divide their inheritance and James unexpectedly has a son, both paths vanish at once.

Increasingly desperate, Thomas begins to view his brother not as family, but as one final obstacle. When an unexpected opportunity places his brother’s inheritance in reach, Thomas must decide what he is willing to sacrifice to realize his ambition.

The Second Son is an 89,000-word historical novel exploring legacy, ambition, and family conflict. It will appeal to readers of Daniel Mason's North Woods and Ian McEwan's Atonement.

Thank you for your time and considerations.

Hi all! This is my first attempt at my query letter here! I removed my bio section for privacy purposes, so please bear with that missing part. Please let me know what you think!

Dear , 

I am seeking representation for my multi-POV romantic fantasy, BOUND BY DAWN, which is complete at 95k words.

Celeste Thornborough is running—from fate, her home country, and a bloody war she wants no part in. And when a mercenary comes for her head, she’s forced to place her wary trust in a pirate captain in the hope he’ll keep her safe until her past vanishes behind her.

Captain Hylan Valentine is running too, but toward his fate. As a young pirate captain aboard his beloved ship, the Dawn Arbiter, he wants nothing more than to make a not-so-honest living and enjoy the freedom the open seas provide. It’s a relatively easy life, until fate prompts him to bring Celeste aboard his ship, where she joins his crew—and turns his life upside-down.

When Hylan’s crew mutinies and absconds with dangerous weapons to Celeste’s home, the pair realize that while fate has brought them together, Hylan’s godly connection may still tear them apart, pushing them to decide where to place their trust…before it’s too late.

BOUND BY DAWN combines a character-focused and narrative-driven story in the vein of V.E. Schwab’s A Darker Shade of Magic series, with a unique magic system and themes of political intrigue and combating authority similar to Cassandra Clare’s Chronicles of Castellane series.

Thank you for your consideration, It truly means the world.

I’m brand new to querying so have been learning so much from this community. For the below, I would also greatly appreciate any additional comp suggestions. I’ve been reading new releases but struggling to find appropriate comps as SFF can vary widely in topic and themes. The Vanished Birds is a great comp for me but was published in 2020 so a bit too old. Thank you so much.

QCRIT:

I am excited to submit my debut novel PRIMITIVE PRIME for your consideration. I think it will appeal to your desire for x, y, z.

Every ten years, a dying colony world known only as Moon sends a small group through a one-way Gate believing they will reach paradise, but when twenty-three-year-old Rayel crosses, she discovers they are not saved but harvested.

Complete at 118,000 words, PRIMITIVE PRIME is an adult science fiction novel that combines the interstellar intimacy of Simon Jimenez’s THE VANISHED BIRDS with the interstellar limitations on human ambition in Ann Leckie's RADIANT STAR . It draws inspiration from the understated horror of Kazuo Ishiguro’s NEVER LET ME GO.

When settlers from Old Earth arrive on Moon, a satellite orbiting a ruined planet far from home, they find an alien structure they call the Gate. They build their community and traditions around its ten year openings. One thousand years later, Rayel has spent her life studying in Moon’s ancient library and planning to cross. When she does, she discovers a technologically advanced society that promises to acclimate her into their world. Welcome curdles into containment, and Rayel searches for a way out. But as members of her crossing group disappear, she begins to fear there is none.

Unknown to Moon, when people cross they are rendered infertile. To the regime, crossers like Rayel are primitives: scanned as genetic templates, used to print adult citizens, and destroyed. Their originality threatens the ruling Prime class. Prime Kessen uses her status to rescue and hide crossers inside the segregated surveillance state. Her goals expand when a holy woman from Rayel’s world crosses with the knowledge the regime has sought for centuries: Moon’s location.

Rayel and Kessen’s paths collide when Kessen uses Rayel’s identity to gain the holy woman’s trust and position them aboard the regime’s mission to seize Moon. The plan: subvert the conquest, end blind crossings, save Moon’s crumbling community. But the Gate is older than either world, and the ancient intelligence behind it is waiting on their route with cryptic warnings of dangers ahead.

Bio follows

Hi everyone, I’m in a really fortunate position where I have three agents offering representation from a range of reputable agencies, and a call with one agent tomorrow where I’m confident they’ll offer.

I’m half Asian, my novel takes place in the SE Asian country my family is from, and it’s important to me to find an agent who is Asian or half Asian. All four are, though not everyone I queried was. Three of the agents rejected my manuscript during my first round of querying, but two sent me a full email with encouraging advice and asked me to resubmit. Honestly, in the sea of non-responses, this was extremely validating. These two agents are my preferred ones.

I spent the next several months making those edits, and they’ve now offered representation based on this revised manuscript (my final stats are 30 queries, 12 form rejections, 5 manuscript requests, 4 offers [3 were “no but here’s feedback…” that I was able to re-query, including these two agents], 13 non responses).

I’m really torn. The one I’m meeting tomorrow is at Transatlantic, the other at HG Literary. I’m not sure if anyone has advice about either agency. They both specialize in my genre, and I know to ask about the names of editors in their Rolodex they’d send to.

I have a week left until I promised one of the agents I’d get back to them.

Our first meeting was mainly getting to know each other, hearing their reflections and asking how’d they’d position the novel and what editors they had in mind; I’m also going to ask for a list of published authors they represent as a follow-up.

Any other questions you’d all suggest I ask, especially seeing as I have an upcoming call tomorrow with one of my ideal agents?

I’m so grateful for this community. You all helped critique my query letter, and I learned so much great advice for writing and about navigating this insane, delusional process—including the importance of persistence.

edit: thank you for the notes! i had an idea of how i wanted to revamp this, and the comments were thankfully going in that direction. will be implementing all of your notes for the next draft. much appreciated!!!

——————

hello! gothic siren romantasy. do feel free to tear her apart i can take it. thank you in advance!

––

TITLE is an adult fantasy complete at 119,000 words with sequel potential. A gothic twist on sirens influenced by Middle Eastern nazar folklore, it blends the lush atmosphere and enemies-to-lovers of Rachel Gillig’s THE KNIGHT AND THE MOTH with the magical oceanic setting and headstrong heroine of Kalie Cassidy’s IN THE VEINS OF THE DROWNING.

Eliana is a muse, a weaver of songs that kill the sirens in Terra’s waters, and her plan for the solstice is simple: climb the royal cliffs, stare down at the glittering sea, and plunge to her death. 

Countless souls have done it before her, including her own sister, chasing rumors of a drowned kingdom where disgraced women find refuge. Attempting the forbidden plunge means execution for siren sympathy, but it may be Eliana's only chance to find her sister again. And if all goes to plan, the fall will claim her before any executioner can.

But when Eliana's plunge fails spectacularly, it leaves one witness: Jace Lethe, the son of Terra’s commanding siren hunter — and the brother of the man who led Eliana's sister to her death. To avoid a traitor’s fate, Eliana strikes a bargain: Jace will keep her attempt a secret if she helps him reach a drowned soul of his own.

With Jace's aid, Eliana has until the next solstice to earn the sirens’ favor and reattempt the plunge. But walking the line between sirens and hunters forfeits her any safe harbor. As unrest fractures the kingdom and her alliance with Jace deepens into something far more, Eliana must confront that the greatest danger may not be the sirens’ song. It may be her own.

—

i'm trying cut down the pitch section and to fix whatever feels unclear/confusing – but please tell me anything you think. i've gone through enough drafts for the words to melt together. thanks again!!

Hi all. I’m in a really weird dilemma. I got an agent offer 2 weeks ago and gave a verbal yes. While I got the contract a few days after we had discussed, I did eventually get the contract. I sat with it for a day and a half and sent over a list of questions. I didn’t hear back for 6 days before I got another email from the agent, essentially saying they haven’t heard from me and wanted to know if anything changed.

But nothing’s changed. I responded, letting them know I had sent over some questions last week but wanted to move forward with signing the contract. That was yesterday. I haven’t heard a word.

I don’t know if my emails aren’t landing in their inbox, or what the problem could be. We were communicating just fine before (we successfully scheduled a call and everything). My responses are in my sent folder, so I know they were successfully sent. I tested my email and things seem to be working on my end.

The agent and I also follow each other on Instagram and while they previously responded to me without a problem, now my DMs aren’t even getting seen.

I’m worried I’m being avoided but I genuinely don’t know if this is some sort of technical issue. Has anyone ever had this issue? What did you do?

Hey all! I wanted to share my querying journey and stats with the lovely members of this community. There were so many times throughout this process that I didn’t know what to do and found thoughtful responses and sage wisdom here, so thank you to all of you for sharing your insights.  

I’m going to start by saying that this is going to be a long post because my journey wasn’t typical. I queried, got some traction, won a contest and had to pull all of my queries and requests, and then start again six weeks later. The last thing I want to do is make anyone who has been in and out of the trenches for multiple projects feel bad, so please know that my querying story is about a unicorn-y as unicorns get. I almost didn’t want to share it, but I think it goes to show that pursuing trad pub is as much about great writing/stories as it is about luck and timing, so here we go.

I started querying (too early) in early February. After three quick rejections, I pulled all of my outstanding queries (only like…five) to revamp my first pages and query letter. I started querying for real at the end of February.

Two days after I started querying, I participated in Unhinged Pit, an online pitch event, and got three agent likes. I didn’t even know that was noteworthy, because I’d never done an online pitch event before. I sent all three full requests out in my first week of querying. (Fun fact! I sent it out with beta comments included and had to withdraw and resend! Great way to start!)

I attended an in-person writer’s conference in early March and paid to pitch three agents. All three of them requested I query them. One of them turned into a full request a few days later. 

By then, it was mid-March and I had four full requests in two weeks. Since my pitch seemed to be working,  I started querying more widely and hey, while I was at it, I applied to RevPit as well because there’s never a bad time to shoot your shot!

I received my first full request from a cold query a week later, and the next day, a second agent from the conference, who had a very low request rate, also requested my full. This was my, “Oh my god, is this really happening?” moment. That weekend, an agent did an online pitch session, and when I pitched her, she slid into my DMs and asked me to send her my opening three chapters. The next morning, she asked for my full, and two days later, she emailed to see if I was open to an R&R. We had a lovely chat, I agreed with her notes, and I began doing an edit for pacing along with a thorough line edit. I sent it back to her two weeks later.

Because I had gone to the writing conference in March, I was allowed to sign up to pitch agents at an additional writing conference in April. Once again, I pitched three. One of them told me my MS wasn’t a fit, and the other two requested partials. At that point, I’d been actively querying for about 6 weeks and had six full requests, two partials, and an R&R.

Then I found out I was selected as a RevPit winner. It was a total shock. We were advised by the RevPit board to pull all of our queries and ask if the agent would like to see a revised manuscript after the developmental edit. In the process of pulling my outstanding queries and explaining the situation, eleven of the agents requested that I send my full manuscript their way once my revisions were complete.

Suddenly it’s mid-April, I have NO outstanding queries, but I have 17 full requests waiting for me when I complete my revisions. My RevPit editor had very light edits, which took me a couple weeks, and then we re-wrote my query letter for the RevPit showcase, which went live on June 8th.

I decided to send the 17 agents who had requested my revised manuscript the new query letter and full the Thursday before the showcase went live, since I felt like they had shown an early interest in my work and deserved to see it first. 

I got an email for a call on Saturday morning, just two days later. I hadn’t even queried anyone yet! I stalled and scheduled the call for a week later and sent out an additional 20 queries. In retrospect, given how things played out, I wish I’d queried a lot more during that week, but c’est la vie, I suppose!

After the call, I nudged everyone. One of the agents from that very first workshop replied and said she’d already started reading, because she had the feeling this would happen. She offered a few days later. I got a handful of CNRs over the next couple weeks, plus a handful of full requests, but since there were only 20 agents who didn’t already have my full, it wasn’t a crazy flurry of QT emails. 

In the end, I only spent about six weeks querying in total. Out of the 36 queries I sent with my revised manuscripts and the 24 agents who requested my full, six of them offered to represent me, which I truly cannot believe.

Here’s a rundown of the stats:

Genre: Upmarket Romcom, 80K words

First Draft: March - July, 2025.

Editing: August 2025 - February, 2026

Before RevPit

• Total Agents Queried: 63
• Rejections: 41
• CNRs: 15
• Full Requests: 7

After RevPit

• Total Queries: 36
• Fulls before Offer Nudge: 17
• Requests After Offer Nudge: 7
• Rejections/CNRs: 12
• Offers of Representation: 6

And here’s the successful query letter:

 Dear Agent/Editor,
 
Award-winning cidermaker Phoebe Skiles has ninety days to save her struggling company, and business consultant Miles Newport, a finance bro with a toddler's palate, has the audacity to suggest her cider is the problem?
 
FINDING GRAVITY, a 2026 RevPit winner, is an 80,000-word contemporary novel with romance crossover, perfect for readers who enjoyed the workplace setting with main character energy of Romantic Comedy by Curtis Sittenfeld, the complex professional insights in Back After This by Linda Holmes, and the blend of light-hearted humor and emotional depth of I Hope This Finds You Well by Natalie Sue.
 
Two years after her beloved magazine career and relationship imploded, Phoebe Skiles has reinvented herself as the head cidermaker at high-end cidery Appelle. But when Elise, Appelle’s CEO and Phoebe's best friend, hires a consulting firm to keep Appelle from shuttering its doors for good, Phoebe must put her professional life in the hands of Miles Newport, who calls them a Gen Z brand making a Boomer product. He’s convinced the only thing that can save Appelle is pivoting to a consumer product with mass-market commercial appeal.
 
Phoebe balks at the idea of watering down her recipes, but she’d rather drink spiked seltzer than disappoint Elise or have another budding career ripped from her hands before it blossoms. With no choice but to pivot from traditional methods, Phoebe vows to save Appelle—for herself and for Elise—by becoming the best modern cidermaker this side of the Mississippi. Along the way, she discovers that sometimes friendship supersedes passion, sometimes commerce enhances craft, and—if Miles Newport has anything to do with it—sometimes a broken heart can learn to beat again.
  
I earned my BA in Creative Writing from Eastern University and taught high school English for four years before starting my very own struggling cider company. From the blurred lines of an owner who employs her friends (do not do this!) to the intricate behind-the-scenes details of sanitizing tri-clamps and Frankentrees at the orchard, my decade of experience owning Ash & Elm Cider Co.—one of the largest cideries in the country with over 40,000 followers across platforms—lends an irreplicable authenticity to this story.
 
Thank you for your consideration,