In an all-girls Catholic school, a girl crush is almost a rite of passage.You either fall for one of the girls, or for one of the few male faculty members who wander the halls like rare birds.

Jing was my best friend, and the girl I had a crush on.

Jing and I were inseparable. Wherever she went, I followed. She had a genuine, restless curiosity, and a brightness to her that pulled people in without her ever trying. I was no exception. I could not escape the magnitude of her.

We were pop culture enthusiasts. Saturday and Sundays were our days. She had such a huge crush on Bobby Andrews then and so, we never missed a single episode of TGIS. Inggit na inggit siya noon kay Angelu and I would console her by telling her that if he met her first, he would definitely fall for her first. On Sundays we would watch GMA Supershow and I remember Jing asking me once kung sinong artista ba ‘yung type ko. Sabi ko si Mark Anthony Fernandez. I had to lie. I wasn’t brave enough to tell her she was my type.

Neither of us dated in high school. When prom came, we went as each other's date, and no one batted an eye. A few of our batchmates had their boyfriends, but most of us didn't really have anyone, and so two girls arriving together meant nothing to anyone but me.

Jing asked me to dance to I Swear. Her hand was held out in front of me and it felt like God, for once, had thrown me a bone. I took it. We danced. Sabi niya ininvite niya si Bobby Andrews, but he was stuck in traffic, kaya ako na lang muna. My heart was ablaze and Jing was looking at me with such unabashed adoration, like there was nothing in the room she’d rather look at. For the length of that song, everything I had ever wanted was resting at my fingertips.

We both sang in the school choir, and for our high school baccalaureate mass, the two of us sang Tanging Yaman together. Up on that church podium, while Christ was looking down from His cross; I knew then that what I felt for Jing was something much more sacred than a crush. 

I didn't have a name for it then. I couldn't say I was in love with her because that would be a sin, that would be wrong. At such a tender age, I could not fathom how something that felt so good, so right, could be wrong. 

College was a blur. We went to different schools, and some part of me hoped that whatever I felt for Jing would quietly starve without her near, that distance would do what prayer never had.

At first I thought it had worked. We were both in relationships the whole four years. And when I finally had a boyfriend, it was as though someone had lifted a stone off my chest. The guilt I'd been carrying loosened its grip at last.

I felt normal. I remember being so grateful to feel normal.

NU Rock Awards, 2008. Two years out of college, her first year in law school, her boyfriend gone a few months by then. We were outside Silvercity, hinihintay si Papa. Lasing na lasing kaming dalawa.

Jing kissed me. She told me she loved me.

And all at once I was sixteen again, standing on that podium beside her, singing.

For years I had kept what I felt for my best friend in disguise. I packaged it, and gave it names I could live with. A crush, a phase, a closeness. But standing on the other side of that kiss, there was nothing left to call it, and no reason left to keep looking.

I am in love with Jing. 

I broke up with my boyfriend. 

Jing stopped talking to me after.

Sabi niya busy siya sa law school. I believed her, or I let myself believe her. I gave her time. I gave her space. I gave her every excuse I could think of, and when those ran out I invented new ones. And I waited. I was good at waiting. I had been waiting since I was sixteen years old; a few months was nothing.

When we saw each other again, she introduced me to her new boyfriend. I smiled, and I put out my hand, because I am her best friend, and that is what I do.

Jing married him the year they passed the bar. When she asked me to be her maid of honor, I smiled, and I said yes, because I am her best friend, and that is what I do.

I stood beside her at the altar and held her flowers while she promised herself to someone else, and I smiled, because I am her best friend, and that is what I do.

I am her best friend. It was foolish of me to hope I would ever be her wife.

When she gave birth to her son, I stood at the head of the bed, holding her hand. Her husband stood down by her feet, waiting for the baby to come. I remember thinking, in the middle of it: this is my portion. This is the whole of what I get, and it is more than most people like me are given, and I will not ask for more. 

Her son calls me Tita Mommy. 

Our conversations are so much different nowadays. Hindi na kami masyadong nanonood ng TV. Most of my days go to teaching and grading my students' papers, and Jing has her hands full with my godson and the firm. 

Sometimes she still teases me, offers to set me up with one of her respectable lawyer friends, the single ones, the ones who could give me a family.  Sayang ka naman, she would say. We would laugh. And then the laughing runs out, and we look at each other, and we look away.

Because we both know why I never married.

Sometimes I let myself have the luxury of retrospect. What would my life have been, if I had never loved Jing the way I did?

I can see it when I try. A husband who is kind enough. A child I could call my own. A life that would have made sense to my parents, to the church, to God as they explained Him to me. A life I could have lived without guilt.

And every time, I walk all the way to the end of that life, and I find that I don't want it. I would take all of this, exactly as it happened, over any life that came without Jing in it.

Everyone thinks the great tragedy is loving someone who cannot love you back. But Jing did love me. She loves me still, in the way that is available to her, and I have had thirty years of it. Thirty years of being the first person she calls after a tiring day, the one who knows what she was like at eleven, the hand she reached for in a delivery room. I was not given the life I wanted. I was given a whole life anyway, and I shared it with her, and it was full.

And I will not pretend the pain was worth it, because worth it is an accounting word and this was never a transaction. The pain and the joy did not arrive separately. They were the same thing. Ang sakit ay bahagi ng pag-ibig; you cannot take one out without the other. To wish away the ache is to wish away everything in between, the prom, singing at the podium, the kiss outside Silvercity, the boy who calls me Tita Mommy. To wish away the ache is to wish away her. So I don't.

I love Jing. Which means I love the girl I was at eleven, quietly crushing on her bestfriend. I love the woman I became instead of the woman I might have been. I love my students, my godson, Jing’s husband, my quiet apartment, my Sunday mornings, the feel of the cool afternoon breeze on my face. I love my life. I love the world for having her in it and for having let me stand so close.

We were sixteen years old when we sang Tanging Yaman in front of our batchmates. I did not understand the words then. I thought it was just a song we had been given.

Only treasure. My only treasure.

I have known since I was sixteen exactly what mine is.

Wala pa kong isang linggo dito sa Japan as a titp, pero nararamdaman ko na ang pagiging toxic ng mga pinoy. Yung mga kasamahan kong pumunta dito eh talaga naman sobrang taas ng tingin sa sarili lol. Unang pinag-usapan mga Vietnamese, sa araw-araw na ginawa ng Diyos puro ang baho nila no. Paulit-ulit. Hanggang sa oras na sana ng pahinga yun pa din ang topic. Ngayon naman may mga cambodian na babae na dumating, magkaka-floor kami ng room at laundry area. Ngayon apura laba netong kasamahan ko dahil walang automatic washing machine sa kanila charott, kada punta sa laundry area kung anu anong sinasabi sa cambodian na kesyo amoy basahan ang mga damit, ang baho ng panty at bra. Sa loob loob ko bakit niya inaamoy. Ilang araw na ganun ang topic nila. Kada labas, kada makakasalubong nila yung mga cambodian at vietnamese pinagtatawanan nila. Di naman ako sa nagmamalinis pero ang pangit pala talaga ugali nating mga Pinoy, lalo na tong mga kasama ko. Dugyutin naman tingnan pero ang lakas manlait. Ang kapal ng banil sa batok. Libagin tingnan pero laitera. Lowkey bully pa ang gaga. Ops, nahawa na ata ako sa kanila. Pero deserve nya namang laitin. 🤪

Di ko alam kung anong nasa isip ko wala akong pera may utang. kaka depress yung post na ka edaran mo at mas bata pa sayu nag popost ng kita nila like sa sub na adultingphwins at iba pang sub na pinaguusapan yung income nila.

at the same time naman sa ibang sub like Utangph i feel relieved kasi may tao pa na mas malaki ang utang kaysa sa akin at umaabot ng million.

parang i see the end of both spectrum sucess at despair. iwan ko ba anong nararamdaman ko.

di ko alam may tawag ba dun sa psychology yung parang nasa middle ka

Gusto ko lang magshare kasi ang bigat. Ang hirap maging pangit kasi parang ang unfair ng paligid mo. Kahit anong ayos ko, hindi okay. Nag-aayos naman ako lagi, namimili ako ng maayos na damit pero madalas parin ako nasasabihan na "ganda mo kapag natuto ka mag-ayos". Tapos kapag magpipicture ako kasama ng iba iniisip nila lagi na di ko inaayos kaya nga kahit palapost sila ng pictures di nila ipopost yung pic na kasama ko. Naranasan ko rin na sa family or relatives, mas kinakausap nila yung may itsura talaga. Naranasan ko na umuwi kami ng isang family member sa province, sobrang dami na binati yung katabi ko then pinuri, sobrang awkward nun na talagang naglakad nalang ako dire diretso and ayoko tumingin sa kanila. Naranasan ko rin na dati na nagjoke yung professor namin dati na kapag daw pangit dapat hindi nalelate tapos sabay sabi "kaya tignan niyo si \*name ko\* di nalelate". Tapos pag pumupunta ko sa mga places na mamahalin, di rin ako masyado aasikasuhin tapos iba rin yung tinginan na andaming customers pero sakin nakatingin na parang winewait akong matapos, kaya imbis na magpahinga muna ko pagkakain, nagbabayad na agad ako and umaalis kasi super awkward. Nashare ko lang kasi andami nangyari today na pinaisip ulit sakin na di okay yung itsura ko.

Pa-release lang, sana wag itong ipost sa ibang sites...

7:05 am, time in. Nalate ako ng 5 minutes.

Pagka dating sa dept, medyo tahimik. Yung dalawa pala sa min sa kabilang branch na-assign uli ngayon. Hindi pa na setup yung background music sa dept.

Boot up ng pc, nagpahangin muna sa aircon tapos upo din para mag-work na. Naglagay ng sounds para di boring. Busy-busyhan muna ang peg.

Maya-maya may dumating na operator, hinahanap yung isa sa min. "Ay wala dito, nandun sa kabilang room", automatic na sagot ko.

Mga 5-10 minutes after, dumating naman yung scheduler sa dept namin. Hinanap na naman yung same person. Sabi ko uli nasa kabila. Nagtaka si scheduler at tinanong naman yung senior namin.

"Sir, napansin mo ba siyang dumating after ng tanong ko sa'yo kanina?".

Sabi naman ni sir, "Hindi ko rin napansin ehh, pero parang hindi ko pa siya nakikita".

Nagtaka kaming lahat sa dept.

Kilala kasi namin siya na masipag at hindi nale-late, di tulad ko na malapit lang naman yung bahay ko sa kanya. Pati yung bisor namin napa isip. "Nag-iinform naman siya kung mag-aabsent, bakit kaya?", aniya. Parang may mali sa araw na to.

Around 7:45 am, nag-ring ang phone sa table ng bisor namin. Nakinig ako. Usap nang sandali at biglang napasinghap si bisor. Kinabahan ako at tinigil ang sounds. Naging aware kaming lahat sa dept. After ng call, nilapitan kami ni bisor at maluhang sinabi, "patay na si _____, nasa hr ngayon yung parents niya. Inatake daw sa puso. Tinry pa i-revive pero doa na sa hospital". Pumunta si mam sa hr para kausapin ang mga magulang.

Nagulantang kaming lahat, di kami makapaniwala. Kahapon lang kakwentuhan namin siya, kakulitan namin, kasama pa namin. Nagtanong pa siya sa kin kung pano asikasuhin yung pag-ibig loyalty card. Nag-isip pa siya kung kelan kaya niya maasikaso kasi 10 days na lang at makumpleto na niya yung perfect attendance. Next month, birthday na niya.

Ang bigat. Lalo na't nakasama na namin siya ng halos 3 years sa dept namin. Pito na nga lang kami nabawasan pa ng isa. Kahit na sobrang pressured at ang daming workload na napasa sa dept namin since last year, nagka-isa kami at nakayanan namin. Buo pa rin kami. Pero ngayong araw na 'to, ang kilalang dept sa company na super chill at masayahin ay nanahimik at nalungkot.

Hindi kami makapag trabaho ng maayos kanina.

Lalo na nung pumunta sa dept namin yung family niya at kinuha na yung mga naiwang gamit, pinigilan naming umiyak. Buong araw, halos tulala at inalala namin siya.

Naiiyak pa rin ako ngayon.

Siya kasi partner ko sa sched namin sa dept. Kasama sa pang gabi. Kakuntsaba kung mag breaktime kami ng maaga or kung manonod ng movies sa dept pantanggal antok. Lagi ko din siya kasabay pauwi. Nagku-kwentuhan habang naglalakad. Yun na pala ang last kahapon.

Bro, sa sandaling panahon na nakasama ka namin, nakilala ka namin na mabait na tao. Walang bisyo, masipag, maaasahan, hindi mareklamo sa trabaho at masayang kasama. Di ka namin malilimutan at salamat sa oras na binigay mo sa min kahit na katrabaho lang kami. Pahinga ka na and God bless!

Hello. F and 28 here. Found these peopz in Discord. Almost 2 years na din po ako sa discord and met some amazing friendsssss. Sa discord ko din na meet itong guy na to, 33 yrs old and my closest friend na si Z, 26 and meron syang live in partner.

Z knows how I really like this guy. She knows what I went through sa kanya since I always cried when this guy always giving me mixed signals. Z was always my first choice if mag kkwento.

Z and this guy is close and became more closer these past few months to the point na when we are playing valo or dota, bukambibig nya yung name ni guy. Actually as time goes by, told her na I was uncomfy and naiinggit me how close they was so I started to detach with this guy to preserve our friendship but of course mas naging observant ako.

Early this year mga feb siguro na nagsasabi daw si yung guy na ooverwhelm daw sakin. Sa mga binibigay ko ganon.

Tapos napa isip ako, sabi ko, anong binibigay? Pwede ba pakisabi or patingin kung paano sinabi.

Tapos natahimik sya hahanapin nya daw yung screenshot. Tapos sobrang tagal nyang hanapin yung screenshot tas nung pagkakita ko or pagsend nya, sya pala nagsasabi non kay sa guy, na ooverwhelm pala daw sya sa mga ginagawa ko n nabbgay ko. I always spoil this friend of mine kasi of foods. Gave her always food, coffee some chocs which is her favorite.

Tas iniiba topic nung guy, pero si Z binabalik nya yung topic ko about sakin. Sinasabi nya na, “wag mo ibahin topic, ***” - isa pa yun sa nawalan ako ng gana kasi bakit ako yung pinag uusapan nila. Or ako gusto topic ni Z.

And napapansin ko na din na everytime na mag kkwento ako kay guy, lagi din sya may kwento tas sesendan nya pa ako ng screenshot nilang dalawa. Na feel ko nga noon— nakikipag compete ba sakin to? Kaya I step back non kay guy talaga kasi ayoko maka isip ng ganon kay Z since she was my closest friend sa discord and she knew everything I went through.

Next po is nung May,

Nag kwento sakin si Friend. Yung isang friend na lalaki na nag assk bakit wala pang jowa si guy. I partner daw kasi si guy sa mga high class mala ivana.

Then parang sye feels bad daw kasi ako lang naman daw ipina-partner kay Guy parang sinasabi nya na lowclass ako.

So ako galit na galit ako. As in ready na ako mang away. Pero pinigilan ko muna— kinausap ko muna si yung guy and hiningi ang context, kung totoo bang minamaliit ako ni isang friend sa discord like mas gusto nya ng high class something ganon.

Anddd sabi ni guy, “hindi wala syang sinasabing ganon, kumbaga ang sinasabi nya is baka mga type ko is mala ivana alawi na class pero wala sya sinabing low class ka or what”

Tapos diba nag usap kami ni guy, nakwento ko yun kay Z and sa gc natin na nakausap ko na yan si guy, kapag daw may nag ask pa kung bakit ala sya jowa magagalit na daw sya.

Then you know, I feel betrayed. Kasi ang ginawa ni Z, nag screenshot sya ng chat ko, tas pinasa nya kay guy I like and nagtanong daw sya kay lon kung totoo daw ba yung sinabi nya sakin?

our GC was my safe place. Nadisappoint ako kay friend na ako yung friend nya pero bakit need nya pa i chat si guy or what. Parang dko maintindihan yung motive nya. Hahaha.

Tas nakausap ko pinsan ko, actually naiinis sya. Mga ganong bagay daw po hindi ginagawa ng isang kaibigan. Parang pinapahamak daw ako. Ganon. Kaya simula non nag lay low na ako.

When I lay low, napapansin ko na lagi na silang magkalaro. Nabalitaan ko din na nag hiwalay si friend and yung ka live in nya ng 7 years. So ako todo comfort to her. So she told me, “thank you po ate, M. Love na love kita. Usap tayo soon if ok na. And sana kahit anong mangyari maging friend padin kta” which is weird for me.

2 weeks after since friend broke up with her partnet, nag chat sakin si guy, saying sorry for giving me mixed signal and told me na she found a girl he wants to pursue. Told him go and forget whatever happened in the past. And told him goodluck.

But the guts are too strong. Asked him if the girl he wants to pursue is Z, and he said yes.

I feel betrayed. I cried. Not because she likes someone but because bakit yung friend ko paaaa.

Left our GCs. And our other friends pinag aayos kami. Kinwento nya pa sa GC na may gusto sakanya yung guy, how the guy was very different to her from me. She feels special sabi nya. Di nya na daw ma kokontrol yung guy, hinayaan nya na daw na paramdam sakanya yung maging masaya.

Hindi nya daw kasalanan na nagkagusto sakanya yung guy.
Masaya daw sya sa pinapa-feel ni guy.

And as I read her chats, I don’t feel she considered me or my feelings. She doesn’t even mentioned my name if she will talk to me.

Since that then, she never reached out. Pero nung nagka usap usap ng isang gabi, kinekwento nya sakin lahat ng ginagawa ni guy for her, how she thinks he loves her, nakuha nya daw ng libre yung ganong attention and tinanggap na lang daw nya kasi libre.

Which is I never expected. Because what I expect is she will feel sorry, or guilty, or being considered paano namin issave friendship namin despite of what happened.

Sinabi din ng mga friends namin na, di kami nag uusap para pag usapan yung guy. Nag uusap kami para magkaayos.

Pero no.. sabi nya pa sakin na nagmamalaki, “edi lalayuan ko si guy te sabihin mo lang!” - na para bang kasalanan ko kung bakit di matutuloy love story nila.

Then ayun.. kagabi nakita ko sila magkalaro. Nagagalit ako. Kasi parang wala silang nasaktan na tao. Wala syang remorse. Ibig sabihin hindi nya ako tinuturinv na friend..

Nakakalungkot.. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to start.

Edit: I consider them my friends since nagkita kita na po kami. Wala na din po ako care sa lalaki if may magustuhan sya or magka gf. Dko lang po matanggap bakit friend ko pa. And alam ko magkakailangan na since alam ng buong discord me and the guy have a thing. And lagi kami inaasar sa isat isa. Ayun nga. Masakit mawala sakin yung friend ko na yon.

​

Nakakabadtrip. Kakatapos ko lang sa interview, tapos yung nag-iinterview eh marketing department pero para sa IT field na work.

May nakasabay ako, tapos tinanong siya, "Kaya mo ba mag-code?" Nag-yes naman yung isa. Sabi ba naman, "Can you code this and recite it to us?" Sinagot naman siya nung isa na medyo mahirap, lalo na yung ipapa recite. Nagtanong na naman si marketing, "Eh alam mo ba talaga? Paano kapag may hindi ka alam, igogoogle mo pa?"

Sinagot naman siya ulit na yes, nag gogoogle talaga mga nasa IT, hindi naman mawawala yun sa trabaho. Eto yung nakakabadtrip sobra na sagot niya "Edi ano pang silbi niyo? Kung Google lang pala gagawin niyo. kapag asa trabaho na bawal pagoogle google."

Nakakabadtrip pa lalo yung ilan sa mga technical questions. Puro lang "alam mo ba to?" o "alam mo ba yan?" Tapos kapag sinagot mo yung problem sa ibang way pero tama naman, mali pa rin kasi may tinitingnan lang silang iisang tamang sagot. Like, WTF? Hindi naman iisa ang way ng pag solve sa mga technical.

Pati sa pagreremote sa user, tinanong kung ano daw gagamitin. Siyempre nag list ng ibat ibang remote tools na pwede gamitin. Mali raw kasi TeamViewer daw sagot. WTF.

Eto pa, pinaka basic. Putcha, nagtanong kung ano raw ginagamit para malaman internet speed. Edi nag list ulit ng iba't ibang tools. Mali na naman daw kasi Speedtest.net rae sagot. WTF.

Nakikinig palang ako sa interview, sumasakit na agad ulo ko. Halatang halata na parang hindi alam nung nag iinterview kahit isa sa mga sinasabi niya.

My ex boyfriend passed away last Saturday. I had to hear it from a friend. They said he died of sepsis. 

Ang dami kong tanong. How did he die of sepsis? Was he sick? If so, how long has he been sick? Did he suffer? A person doesn’t just die of sepsis. Especially not a healthy thirty-year-old man.

Hindi ko na tinanong. I no longer had a right to those answers. I sent his mom my condolences and I cried, or at least I tried to cry. 

He was only thirty. He died so, so young.

I met him when I was sixteen and before he was anything else, he was just my chemistry lab partner. We were so young then. We didn’t know the first thing about love. But somewhere between the long nights spent with our other friends in their apartment in Maginhawa, having my appendix removed, and meeting him by AS every end of the day, love grew. 

At a time when everyone our age was still figuring out who they were and where they belonged, we somehow found our answer in each other. There was comfort in believing that no matter what the future held, we would always have a home in one another.

Looking at it now that I’m almost thirty, I realized what a privilege it was to have found such profound a love so young. A love that was not burdened by the countless responsibilities adulthood eventually lays at our feet. We knew, in the abstract, that heartbreak and death existed, and that one day they would come for all of us. But they felt impossibly far away.

We were so young, and so in love. And when you’re seventeen, love is enough to believe that nothing terrible can ever reach you.

God, if my younger self knew that I’d heard of his death from a friend, that I don’t even know the specifics of how he passed, that I had let myself be reduced to just one of the people that once knew him, I know she’d be livid. 

We were together for nine years. I ended the relationship two years ago. My mom almost died and I had this big epiphany about death, and how unpredictable life is. So I decided to apply to PhD programs abroad. He was already a practicing doctor then and it just wasn’t realistic for him to uproot his life to be with me abroad. And so we broke up. It wasn’t amicable and towards the end, I was just so unkind and unforgiving. I was selfish.  Ewan ko ba. I didn’t understand why we couldn’t make it work. 

And so I left. Huli ko siyang nakita noong umattend ako sa binyag ng anak ng kaibigan namin bago ako lumipad. 

For the past two years, sumasagi sa isip ko na kumustahin siya. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to tell him so many things. But I was too ashamed to even say hi. I didn’t even ask my friends how he was doing because my pride couldn’t handle the embarrassment of being hung up over him when I was the one that walked away. I figured that maybe one day, we’d see each other again, and I’d apologize, and then we could go back to the way things were.

It was so stupid. I was so stupid. I wish I had done so many things differently.

I will be spending the next fifty or so years mulling over everything, going over things that I should have said and done, and it will be painful. But it’s okay, because I will live long. I will grow old and wrinkly, and my hair will turn white, and I will keep his memory alive. I think I owe him, and my seventeen-year-old self, at least that.

Goodbye. You will always remind me of brighter and warmer days, of the sun setting in QC, sleeping on your shoulder during the long, tiresome commute to your home in Novaliches, and your favorite song, Christopher Cross’ Sailing. 

Honestly di ko alam saan mag sisimula since im the breadwinner of the family. And pera na hiniram ko from my sister is pa ubos na I dont really know what to do

Kasi ive been applying pero walang balik sakin ang mga companies na inaaplyan ko

Thanks skl since pagud lang talaga ako

Please don't share outside Reddit. Thanks.

Ayon na nga, I think 2 weeks ko ng plano na umalis nga sa birthday ko, today. Like kakain sa labas mag-isa gano'n. Nasabi ko naman nasa family ko na aalis ako ngayon like 3 days ago. Vacation kasi sa work ngayon. Ako lang nasa bahay.

Anyways, I prepared all my things and outfit na but nag-message sila na huwag muna ko umalis kasi darating mag-aayos ng appliance namin na 2 months nang sira. Akala ko 1 hour lang akong maghintay, kasi I planned to go out around 12nn.

I was informed na kaalis palang ng mag-aayos sa ibang place like 3 hours away.

I cried kasi I really wanted to go out. I want to treat myself. I understand naman na important na may tao sa bahay para sa mag-aayos. But they promised last night na, they'll (parents) be here ng noon. I don't blame them naman kasi they're good parents and may ginagawa rin sila. I'm just sad and lonely.

Wala ring nakaalala sa close friends ko na birthday ko today kahit na magkausap kami right now. I need to assist kasi mas need ng friend ko ng comfort. I'm just tired.

Minsan ko lang talaga gustong lumabas mag-isa. Very rare. Pero hindi pa matuloy-tuloy. Maybe bukas makalabas ako? But it won't be the same as going out on my birthday.

Hi cashier ako sa supermarket, nakatanggap ako ng expired na sodexo worth 2k diko rin kasi napansin ang date. So ayun matatanggal ako sa work kasi policy din ng company na pag naka 1k na short within a month automatic babaan ka ng memo for termination. Nakakalungkot lang isipin.

So kanina nagpagupit ako. Gusto ko lang naman magpagupit pero sinasabi ni ate hairdresser na ang dry ng hair ko kailangan ko raw magpatreatment. Teh tsaka mo sabihin sakin yan kung di mas dry yang buhok mo kesa sa akin. Nakakainis kasi kung anu-ano inooffer eh haircut lang gusto ko. Alam ko na may quota kayo but please naman wag niyo ipilit sakin yan jusko grabe din haircare ko no lol mas mahal pa sa treatment nyo kaya lang dry hair ko nang dahil ilang months na ko di nagpagupit at may kulay buhok ko, kaya ko nga pinapatrim para mamaintain ko yung health nung buhok ko!

Tapos eto na, nung tapos na yung gupit ko, sabi ba naman “ang ganda ni ma’am no kaso papayat ka pa ma’am para mas gumanda ka pa” eh tngina teh maganda ako kahit mataba ako at ANO BANG PAKE NYO KUNG MATABA AKO JUSKO?! Nakakabwisit lang kasi. Kung iniisip niyo na compliment yon, PWES HINDI SIYA COMPLIMENT bwiset! Sana itikom nyo nalang bibig nyo kung wala kayong magandang sasabihin. Nakakawala ng confidence hayup. Ngayon naiiyak ako kasi nakatanim siya sa isip ko haha idk if mababaw pero nakakainis lang talaga. Grabeng standard to kailangan mapayat ka para “mas maganda” ka 🥲

Background lang:

Mabagal ang career progression sa company na pinapasukan ko. As per checking sa current job market, mababa din ang pasahod. Pero kahit na ganun, ok naman ung mga ka-work ko, ok din ang stakeholders, ok din naman ang work - challenging siya pero ok lang as long as nasa tamang dami lang. If I am gonna rant about it siguro sa boss ko lang na gigil na gigil na may gusto ma deliver palagi, parang may gusto patunayan kaya kami nginangarag palagi.

Going back to the situation - may gusto talaga akong role na ma achieve thats why before pa I do my best to actually practice it for my team kahit na wala akong certification for it. Sinabi ko din ung intention ko na un sa boss ko na in the future gusto ko maging ganun so if may oppurtunity, I'm gonna grab it. Nag ok naman siya. Then recently, nagsabi ako ng intention to actually get certified na so nag ask ako if pwede ba ako mag take na ng certification and training sa boss ko and pumayag naman siya and the company paid for it. Thankfully pumasa ako at naging certified na. After that I did my best to use ung knowledge na un for my team pero I felt na hindi siya appreciated ng higher ups since hindi naman talaga un ang role ko.

Since recently, I really felt na nagiging stagnant na ung mga bagay bagay pati na ang career progression ko nag check ako sa internal job posting ng company namin, may nakita akong role na hindi direktang ung role na hinahanap ko pero sakto siya na stepping stone para sa gusto kong ma achieve na role. I inquired about it and nalaman ko na ung role na un ay Fixed term and un pala ung role ng boss ko since mag le-leave siya for a long time. So pinaalam ko sa boss ko na mag aapply ako for that role at nagpasa ng CV ko. Na interview din naman ako and hoped for the best.

After ng interview ko, nalaman ko na ung isang senior colleague ko nag apply din pala kahit na before paulit ulit niyang sinasabi na di siya interesado. Nalaman ko din na since ganun nga ang siste kasama siya as interviewer dun sa mga naunang nasalang. So meaning, alam na niya ung pasikot sikot ng interview.

Ayun after that kinutoban ako pero ayoko na lang isipan ng kung ano. Actually since role ng boss namin un as much as possible gusto ko din within the team na lang ang makakuha para di na kami mag aadjust. Actually nung nag pray din ako sabi ko di ako malulungkot or masasaktan kung di man ako mapili basta ung tao na makuha is within the team pa rin namin.

Pero lo and behold ayun na reject ako at nalaman ko na ung colleague ko eh umusad ung application.

Nung una di pa nag si-sink in sakin. Pero ngayon ito na siya unti unti na akong kinakain. Ayoko man isipan na may pinapanigan ang mga nakatataas - pero wala, mukang may pinapanigan sila since paborito din kasi ung colleague ko.

Tang ina LUTO.

P.S. wag niyo po sana ishare to sa ibang communities or soc med outlets. gusto ko lang talaga ilabas ung nararamdaman ko. bigat eh. ty!

I took up medicine. I have group mates for research and trans making (summarized notes). Our group is the largest, we are 6 members.

Basically, all, except me, in my group are stellar students. All of them passed except me. Majority of the work are assigned to me. When we have problems they would always say: “Si (ako) na bahala niyan.” I am upset because despite being super smart (they’re always on top), they don’t have the initiative to work. Lagi nalang ako gumagawa sa lahat.

Fast forward: I failed. Delayed ako. Sabi ko sa sarili ko. Makapag focus na ako sa studies ko. Pero hindi. Kahit di na ako part sa batch nila, ako parin gumagawa halos sa lahat. Sasabihin nila: “Marami na kasi kang time” Grabe naman ako na nga bumagsak ako parin lahat. Yung ibang ibang groups nga kaya nila eh mas konti lang members nila, tapos tayo na anim, nahihirapan?

My friends from that batch told them I was really struggling and that they shouldn’t rely on me. They replied: Oo nga, kami na bahala (ako) sa ibang gawain. Dumating ang prof at tinanong sila… ako hinanap… jusko…

Anyway upset ako kasi matalino silang lahat tapos ako dito nahihirapan na. Naiisip ko minsan na ginawa nila yun kasi para mas may time silang mag study. I felt used and now I failed. Sometimes I wish sila nalang bumagsak pero inisip ko rin na mostly kasalanan ko kasi di ako strict sa kanila. Ang bobo pa ginawa nilang leader. Kaya siguro stellar students sila. Alam talaga nila gumamit sa resources nila.

Anyway. They’re already in clerkship, except me. Sana di kayo pabigat sa iba diyan kung honestly speaking, napaka selfish niyong tao. Hindi niyo man lang inisip na tulungan ako. Anyway I told myself that this may be part of some elaborate plan of the omnipotent being watching us. Hopefully this character development is worth it.

It’s better to receive than to give ang motto nilang dalawa

Context, pinag aral nila kami hanggang gradeschool lang, the rest of our expenses growing up, uncle ko nagbayad lahat. ALL BILLS tito ko nag cover wala silang work pareho since nareach namin teen years

Now that we are successful, hingi sila ng hingi pati pano iccelebrate bdays nila at bakasyon n gusto nila puntahan

Imbes na naka focus nalang kmi sa buhay namin at pano kami makaka next level in life, ang hirap. Super pasakit

Yesterday, my online friend sent me a selfie photo nya and nastarstruck ako. I've always thought na maganda sya pero sa photo nya yesterday, ang ganda talaga. Pero di ko naman sinabi. We save photos of each other naman kasi we meet mga once or twice a year. Pero di ako nagsesave ng photo nya except yung sinend nya yesterday. We've been friends for around 2yrs palang.

Hours later, nagsend ako ng mga posts sa kanya. Including yung kay junebug. Pero may kdrama reco din and funny vids. I didn't think much of it.

Then ito na. Nagkwento sya. Yung ex pala nya na jowa nya na lagi naming pinag uusapan na kasama nya for more than a decade at nagcheat sa kanya ay babae. Di ko sure if nagulat ako pero family ko kasi is madaming lgbt so normal lang sa akin yung ganun. Parang more of natatawa lang ako ng konti kasi tinatanong ko pa sya dati anong contraceptive nila kasi 12yrs no kids! Haha. Feeling ko, kahapon lang sya naging comfortable enough para ishare yun and okay lang naman. There are things I can't share pa din naman sa kanya kasi I feel na parang it's too personal pa.

After that, nagkwentuhan lang kame ulit (almost daily kame magkausap). Tapos ito na. Last night, napanaginipan ko tropa ko na hinahug ko sya from behind and may feeling of longing hahahaha. Nakakaloka. Idk what to feel kasi (1) kaibigan yun and ang iffy ng feeling na may ganun kasi KAIBIGAN YUN; and also, (2) may boyfriend ako. 🫪

Skl kasi usually for stuff gaya nito, sa kanya ko kinekwento pero dahil sya yung panaginip, hindi ko makwento sa kanya at baka maging awkward. Idk what to feel hahaha. Nao-awkwardan ako now pero chill pa naman kame.

Incoming 4th yr na ako kaso nahihirapan ako kasi marami kaming complications lalo na sa thesis. Baka burnout lang toh pero narerealize ko na parang di naman talaga ako para dito. Nadala lang dahil sa scholarshop na nakaakibat dito. Haysss

Nagwowork out ako, lifting, cardio, etc. Hindi ko naman aim na sobrang tutok sa muscle building or anything. I eat pretty balanced, aside from the sugar part kasi mahilig sa sweets. In fact, I don't even count my calories. I don't care about my macros. I eat whatever I want in moderation.

D ko naman tinatago na nagwoworkout ako, medj nagiging halata na rin since I started gaining a bit of muscle and losing weight.

Every now and then may magsasabi sakin na bat ako kumakain ng kanin or matatamis kung nagwoworkout/exercise ako, na parang andami kong carbs na kinakain etc.

Pake niyo ba, hindi niyo naman katawan. If anything mas active ako sa majority ng mga circles na ginagalawan ko esp since I'm in an industry where mostly nakatutok sa PC at nakaupo all day pero sila pa may gana i-police ung mga kinakain ko.

Suck it up Ben, umiinom ako ng milktea with pearls NA MAY CREAMCHEESE PA at mas malaki parin bicep ko sayo.