In an all-girls Catholic school, a girl crush is almost a rite of passage.You either fall for one of the girls, or for one of the few male faculty members who wander the halls like rare birds.

Jing was my best friend, and the girl I had a crush on.

Jing and I were inseparable. Wherever she went, I followed. She had a genuine, restless curiosity, and a brightness to her that pulled people in without her ever trying. I was no exception. I could not escape the magnitude of her.

We were pop culture enthusiasts. Saturday and Sundays were our days. She had such a huge crush on Bobby Andrews then and so, we never missed a single episode of TGIS. Inggit na inggit siya noon kay Angelu and I would console her by telling her that if he met her first, he would definitely fall for her first. On Sundays we would watch GMA Supershow and I remember Jing asking me once kung sinong artista ba ‘yung type ko. Sabi ko si Mark Anthony Fernandez. I had to lie. I wasn’t brave enough to tell her she was my type.

Neither of us dated in high school. When prom came, we went as each other's date, and no one batted an eye. A few of our batchmates had their boyfriends, but most of us didn't really have anyone, and so two girls arriving together meant nothing to anyone but me.

Jing asked me to dance to I Swear. Her hand was held out in front of me and it felt like God, for once, had thrown me a bone. I took it. We danced. Sabi niya ininvite niya si Bobby Andrews, but he was stuck in traffic, kaya ako na lang muna. My heart was ablaze and Jing was looking at me with such unabashed adoration, like there was nothing in the room she’d rather look at. For the length of that song, everything I had ever wanted was resting at my fingertips.

We both sang in the school choir, and for our high school baccalaureate mass, the two of us sang Tanging Yaman together. Up on that church podium, while Christ was looking down from His cross; I knew then that what I felt for Jing was something much more sacred than a crush. 

I didn't have a name for it then. I couldn't say I was in love with her because that would be a sin, that would be wrong. At such a tender age, I could not fathom how something that felt so good, so right, could be wrong. 

College was a blur. We went to different schools, and some part of me hoped that whatever I felt for Jing would quietly starve without her near, that distance would do what prayer never had.

At first I thought it had worked. We were both in relationships the whole four years. And when I finally had a boyfriend, it was as though someone had lifted a stone off my chest. The guilt I'd been carrying loosened its grip at last.

I felt normal. I remember being so grateful to feel normal.

NU Rock Awards, 2008. Two years out of college, her first year in law school, her boyfriend gone a few months by then. We were outside Silvercity, hinihintay si Papa. Lasing na lasing kaming dalawa.

Jing kissed me. She told me she loved me.

And all at once I was sixteen again, standing on that podium beside her, singing.

For years I had kept what I felt for my best friend in disguise. I packaged it, and gave it names I could live with. A crush, a phase, a closeness. But standing on the other side of that kiss, there was nothing left to call it, and no reason left to keep looking.

I am in love with Jing. 

I broke up with my boyfriend. 

Jing stopped talking to me after.

Sabi niya busy siya sa law school. I believed her, or I let myself believe her. I gave her time. I gave her space. I gave her every excuse I could think of, and when those ran out I invented new ones. And I waited. I was good at waiting. I had been waiting since I was sixteen years old; a few months was nothing.

When we saw each other again, she introduced me to her new boyfriend. I smiled, and I put out my hand, because I am her best friend, and that is what I do.

Jing married him the year they passed the bar. When she asked me to be her maid of honor, I smiled, and I said yes, because I am her best friend, and that is what I do.

I stood beside her at the altar and held her flowers while she promised herself to someone else, and I smiled, because I am her best friend, and that is what I do.

I am her best friend. It was foolish of me to hope I would ever be her wife.

When she gave birth to her son, I stood at the head of the bed, holding her hand. Her husband stood down by her feet, waiting for the baby to come. I remember thinking, in the middle of it: this is my portion. This is the whole of what I get, and it is more than most people like me are given, and I will not ask for more. 

Her son calls me Tita Mommy. 

Our conversations are so much different nowadays. Hindi na kami masyadong nanonood ng TV. Most of my days go to teaching and grading my students' papers, and Jing has her hands full with my godson and the firm. 

Sometimes she still teases me, offers to set me up with one of her respectable lawyer friends, the single ones, the ones who could give me a family.  Sayang ka naman, she would say. We would laugh. And then the laughing runs out, and we look at each other, and we look away.

Because we both know why I never married.

Sometimes I let myself have the luxury of retrospect. What would my life have been, if I had never loved Jing the way I did?

I can see it when I try. A husband who is kind enough. A child I could call my own. A life that would have made sense to my parents, to the church, to God as they explained Him to me. A life I could have lived without guilt.

And every time, I walk all the way to the end of that life, and I find that I don't want it. I would take all of this, exactly as it happened, over any life that came without Jing in it.

Everyone thinks the great tragedy is loving someone who cannot love you back. But Jing did love me. She loves me still, in the way that is available to her, and I have had thirty years of it. Thirty years of being the first person she calls after a tiring day, the one who knows what she was like at eleven, the hand she reached for in a delivery room. I was not given the life I wanted. I was given a whole life anyway, and I shared it with her, and it was full.

And I will not pretend the pain was worth it, because worth it is an accounting word and this was never a transaction. The pain and the joy did not arrive separately. They were the same thing. Ang sakit ay bahagi ng pag-ibig; you cannot take one out without the other. To wish away the ache is to wish away everything in between, the prom, singing at the podium, the kiss outside Silvercity, the boy who calls me Tita Mommy. To wish away the ache is to wish away her. So I don't.

I love Jing. Which means I love the girl I was at eleven, quietly crushing on her bestfriend. I love the woman I became instead of the woman I might have been. I love my students, my godson, Jing’s husband, my quiet apartment, my Sunday mornings, the feel of the cool afternoon breeze on my face. I love my life. I love the world for having her in it and for having let me stand so close.

We were sixteen years old when we sang Tanging Yaman in front of our batchmates. I did not understand the words then. I thought it was just a song we had been given.

Only treasure. My only treasure.

I have known since I was sixteen exactly what mine is.

Wala pa kong isang linggo dito sa Japan as a titp, pero nararamdaman ko na ang pagiging toxic ng mga pinoy. Yung mga kasamahan kong pumunta dito eh talaga naman sobrang taas ng tingin sa sarili lol. Unang pinag-usapan mga Vietnamese, sa araw-araw na ginawa ng Diyos puro ang baho nila no. Paulit-ulit. Hanggang sa oras na sana ng pahinga yun pa din ang topic. Ngayon naman may mga cambodian na babae na dumating, magkaka-floor kami ng room at laundry area. Ngayon apura laba netong kasamahan ko dahil walang automatic washing machine sa kanila charott, kada punta sa laundry area kung anu anong sinasabi sa cambodian na kesyo amoy basahan ang mga damit, ang baho ng panty at bra. Sa loob loob ko bakit niya inaamoy. Ilang araw na ganun ang topic nila. Kada labas, kada makakasalubong nila yung mga cambodian at vietnamese pinagtatawanan nila. Di naman ako sa nagmamalinis pero ang pangit pala talaga ugali nating mga Pinoy, lalo na tong mga kasama ko. Dugyutin naman tingnan pero ang lakas manlait. Ang kapal ng banil sa batok. Libagin tingnan pero laitera. Lowkey bully pa ang gaga. Ops, nahawa na ata ako sa kanila. Pero deserve nya namang laitin. 🤪

Di ko alam kung anong nasa isip ko wala akong pera may utang. kaka depress yung post na ka edaran mo at mas bata pa sayu nag popost ng kita nila like sa sub na adultingphwins at iba pang sub na pinaguusapan yung income nila.

at the same time naman sa ibang sub like Utangph i feel relieved kasi may tao pa na mas malaki ang utang kaysa sa akin at umaabot ng million.

parang i see the end of both spectrum sucess at despair. iwan ko ba anong nararamdaman ko.

di ko alam may tawag ba dun sa psychology yung parang nasa middle ka

Gusto ko lang magshare kasi ang bigat. Ang hirap maging pangit kasi parang ang unfair ng paligid mo. Kahit anong ayos ko, hindi okay. Nag-aayos naman ako lagi, namimili ako ng maayos na damit pero madalas parin ako nasasabihan na "ganda mo kapag natuto ka mag-ayos". Tapos kapag magpipicture ako kasama ng iba iniisip nila lagi na di ko inaayos kaya nga kahit palapost sila ng pictures di nila ipopost yung pic na kasama ko. Naranasan ko rin na sa family or relatives, mas kinakausap nila yung may itsura talaga. Naranasan ko na umuwi kami ng isang family member sa province, sobrang dami na binati yung katabi ko then pinuri, sobrang awkward nun na talagang naglakad nalang ako dire diretso and ayoko tumingin sa kanila. Naranasan ko rin na dati na nagjoke yung professor namin dati na kapag daw pangit dapat hindi nalelate tapos sabay sabi "kaya tignan niyo si \*name ko\* di nalelate". Tapos pag pumupunta ko sa mga places na mamahalin, di rin ako masyado aasikasuhin tapos iba rin yung tinginan na andaming customers pero sakin nakatingin na parang winewait akong matapos, kaya imbis na magpahinga muna ko pagkakain, nagbabayad na agad ako and umaalis kasi super awkward. Nashare ko lang kasi andami nangyari today na pinaisip ulit sakin na di okay yung itsura ko.

Pa-release lang, sana wag itong ipost sa ibang sites...

7:05 am, time in. Nalate ako ng 5 minutes.

Pagka dating sa dept, medyo tahimik. Yung dalawa pala sa min sa kabilang branch na-assign uli ngayon. Hindi pa na setup yung background music sa dept.

Boot up ng pc, nagpahangin muna sa aircon tapos upo din para mag-work na. Naglagay ng sounds para di boring. Busy-busyhan muna ang peg.

Maya-maya may dumating na operator, hinahanap yung isa sa min. "Ay wala dito, nandun sa kabilang room", automatic na sagot ko.

Mga 5-10 minutes after, dumating naman yung scheduler sa dept namin. Hinanap na naman yung same person. Sabi ko uli nasa kabila. Nagtaka si scheduler at tinanong naman yung senior namin.

"Sir, napansin mo ba siyang dumating after ng tanong ko sa'yo kanina?".

Sabi naman ni sir, "Hindi ko rin napansin ehh, pero parang hindi ko pa siya nakikita".

Nagtaka kaming lahat sa dept.

Kilala kasi namin siya na masipag at hindi nale-late, di tulad ko na malapit lang naman yung bahay ko sa kanya. Pati yung bisor namin napa isip. "Nag-iinform naman siya kung mag-aabsent, bakit kaya?", aniya. Parang may mali sa araw na to.

Around 7:45 am, nag-ring ang phone sa table ng bisor namin. Nakinig ako. Usap nang sandali at biglang napasinghap si bisor. Kinabahan ako at tinigil ang sounds. Naging aware kaming lahat sa dept. After ng call, nilapitan kami ni bisor at maluhang sinabi, "patay na si _____, nasa hr ngayon yung parents niya. Inatake daw sa puso. Tinry pa i-revive pero doa na sa hospital". Pumunta si mam sa hr para kausapin ang mga magulang.

Nagulantang kaming lahat, di kami makapaniwala. Kahapon lang kakwentuhan namin siya, kakulitan namin, kasama pa namin. Nagtanong pa siya sa kin kung pano asikasuhin yung pag-ibig loyalty card. Nag-isip pa siya kung kelan kaya niya maasikaso kasi 10 days na lang at makumpleto na niya yung perfect attendance. Next month, birthday na niya.

Ang bigat. Lalo na't nakasama na namin siya ng halos 3 years sa dept namin. Pito na nga lang kami nabawasan pa ng isa. Kahit na sobrang pressured at ang daming workload na napasa sa dept namin since last year, nagka-isa kami at nakayanan namin. Buo pa rin kami. Pero ngayong araw na 'to, ang kilalang dept sa company na super chill at masayahin ay nanahimik at nalungkot.

Hindi kami makapag trabaho ng maayos kanina.

Lalo na nung pumunta sa dept namin yung family niya at kinuha na yung mga naiwang gamit, pinigilan naming umiyak. Buong araw, halos tulala at inalala namin siya.

Naiiyak pa rin ako ngayon.

Siya kasi partner ko sa sched namin sa dept. Kasama sa pang gabi. Kakuntsaba kung mag breaktime kami ng maaga or kung manonod ng movies sa dept pantanggal antok. Lagi ko din siya kasabay pauwi. Nagku-kwentuhan habang naglalakad. Yun na pala ang last kahapon.

Bro, sa sandaling panahon na nakasama ka namin, nakilala ka namin na mabait na tao. Walang bisyo, masipag, maaasahan, hindi mareklamo sa trabaho at masayang kasama. Di ka namin malilimutan at salamat sa oras na binigay mo sa min kahit na katrabaho lang kami. Pahinga ka na and God bless!

​

Nakakabadtrip. Kakatapos ko lang sa interview, tapos yung nag-iinterview eh marketing department pero para sa IT field na work.

May nakasabay ako, tapos tinanong siya, "Kaya mo ba mag-code?" Nag-yes naman yung isa. Sabi ba naman, "Can you code this and recite it to us?" Sinagot naman siya nung isa na medyo mahirap, lalo na yung ipapa recite. Nagtanong na naman si marketing, "Eh alam mo ba talaga? Paano kapag may hindi ka alam, igogoogle mo pa?"

Sinagot naman siya ulit na yes, nag gogoogle talaga mga nasa IT, hindi naman mawawala yun sa trabaho. Eto yung nakakabadtrip sobra na sagot niya "Edi ano pang silbi niyo? Kung Google lang pala gagawin niyo. kapag asa trabaho na bawal pagoogle google."

Nakakabadtrip pa lalo yung ilan sa mga technical questions. Puro lang "alam mo ba to?" o "alam mo ba yan?" Tapos kapag sinagot mo yung problem sa ibang way pero tama naman, mali pa rin kasi may tinitingnan lang silang iisang tamang sagot. Like, WTF? Hindi naman iisa ang way ng pag solve sa mga technical.

Pati sa pagreremote sa user, tinanong kung ano daw gagamitin. Siyempre nag list ng ibat ibang remote tools na pwede gamitin. Mali raw kasi TeamViewer daw sagot. WTF.

Eto pa, pinaka basic. Putcha, nagtanong kung ano raw ginagamit para malaman internet speed. Edi nag list ulit ng iba't ibang tools. Mali na naman daw kasi Speedtest.net rae sagot. WTF.

Nakikinig palang ako sa interview, sumasakit na agad ulo ko. Halatang halata na parang hindi alam nung nag iinterview kahit isa sa mga sinasabi niya.

My ex boyfriend passed away last Saturday. I had to hear it from a friend. They said he died of sepsis. 

Ang dami kong tanong. How did he die of sepsis? Was he sick? If so, how long has he been sick? Did he suffer? A person doesn’t just die of sepsis. Especially not a healthy thirty-year-old man.

Hindi ko na tinanong. I no longer had a right to those answers. I sent his mom my condolences and I cried, or at least I tried to cry. 

He was only thirty. He died so, so young.

I met him when I was sixteen and before he was anything else, he was just my chemistry lab partner. We were so young then. We didn’t know the first thing about love. But somewhere between the long nights spent with our other friends in their apartment in Maginhawa, having my appendix removed, and meeting him by AS every end of the day, love grew. 

At a time when everyone our age was still figuring out who they were and where they belonged, we somehow found our answer in each other. There was comfort in believing that no matter what the future held, we would always have a home in one another.

Looking at it now that I’m almost thirty, I realized what a privilege it was to have found such profound a love so young. A love that was not burdened by the countless responsibilities adulthood eventually lays at our feet. We knew, in the abstract, that heartbreak and death existed, and that one day they would come for all of us. But they felt impossibly far away.

We were so young, and so in love. And when you’re seventeen, love is enough to believe that nothing terrible can ever reach you.

God, if my younger self knew that I’d heard of his death from a friend, that I don’t even know the specifics of how he passed, that I had let myself be reduced to just one of the people that once knew him, I know she’d be livid. 

We were together for nine years. I ended the relationship two years ago. My mom almost died and I had this big epiphany about death, and how unpredictable life is. So I decided to apply to PhD programs abroad. He was already a practicing doctor then and it just wasn’t realistic for him to uproot his life to be with me abroad. And so we broke up. It wasn’t amicable and towards the end, I was just so unkind and unforgiving. I was selfish.  Ewan ko ba. I didn’t understand why we couldn’t make it work. 

And so I left. Huli ko siyang nakita noong umattend ako sa binyag ng anak ng kaibigan namin bago ako lumipad. 

For the past two years, sumasagi sa isip ko na kumustahin siya. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to tell him so many things. But I was too ashamed to even say hi. I didn’t even ask my friends how he was doing because my pride couldn’t handle the embarrassment of being hung up over him when I was the one that walked away. I figured that maybe one day, we’d see each other again, and I’d apologize, and then we could go back to the way things were.

It was so stupid. I was so stupid. I wish I had done so many things differently.

I will be spending the next fifty or so years mulling over everything, going over things that I should have said and done, and it will be painful. But it’s okay, because I will live long. I will grow old and wrinkly, and my hair will turn white, and I will keep his memory alive. I think I owe him, and my seventeen-year-old self, at least that.

Goodbye. You will always remind me of brighter and warmer days, of the sun setting in QC, sleeping on your shoulder during the long, tiresome commute to your home in Novaliches, and your favorite song, Christopher Cross’ Sailing. 

Please don't share outside Reddit. Thanks.

Ayon na nga, I think 2 weeks ko ng plano na umalis nga sa birthday ko, today. Like kakain sa labas mag-isa gano'n. Nasabi ko naman nasa family ko na aalis ako ngayon like 3 days ago. Vacation kasi sa work ngayon. Ako lang nasa bahay.

Anyways, I prepared all my things and outfit na but nag-message sila na huwag muna ko umalis kasi darating mag-aayos ng appliance namin na 2 months nang sira. Akala ko 1 hour lang akong maghintay, kasi I planned to go out around 12nn.

I was informed na kaalis palang ng mag-aayos sa ibang place like 3 hours away.

I cried kasi I really wanted to go out. I want to treat myself. I understand naman na important na may tao sa bahay para sa mag-aayos. But they promised last night na, they'll (parents) be here ng noon. I don't blame them naman kasi they're good parents and may ginagawa rin sila. I'm just sad and lonely.

Wala ring nakaalala sa close friends ko na birthday ko today kahit na magkausap kami right now. I need to assist kasi mas need ng friend ko ng comfort. I'm just tired.

Minsan ko lang talaga gustong lumabas mag-isa. Very rare. Pero hindi pa matuloy-tuloy. Maybe bukas makalabas ako? But it won't be the same as going out on my birthday.

Hi cashier ako sa supermarket, nakatanggap ako ng expired na sodexo worth 2k diko rin kasi napansin ang date. So ayun matatanggal ako sa work kasi policy din ng company na pag naka 1k na short within a month automatic babaan ka ng memo for termination. Nakakalungkot lang isipin.

I took up medicine. I have group mates for research and trans making (summarized notes). Our group is the largest, we are 6 members.

Basically, all, except me, in my group are stellar students. All of them passed except me. Majority of the work are assigned to me. When we have problems they would always say: “Si (ako) na bahala niyan.” I am upset because despite being super smart (they’re always on top), they don’t have the initiative to work. Lagi nalang ako gumagawa sa lahat.

Fast forward: I failed. Delayed ako. Sabi ko sa sarili ko. Makapag focus na ako sa studies ko. Pero hindi. Kahit di na ako part sa batch nila, ako parin gumagawa halos sa lahat. Sasabihin nila: “Marami na kasi kang time” Grabe naman ako na nga bumagsak ako parin lahat. Yung ibang ibang groups nga kaya nila eh mas konti lang members nila, tapos tayo na anim, nahihirapan?

My friends from that batch told them I was really struggling and that they shouldn’t rely on me. They replied: Oo nga, kami na bahala (ako) sa ibang gawain. Dumating ang prof at tinanong sila… ako hinanap… jusko…

Anyway upset ako kasi matalino silang lahat tapos ako dito nahihirapan na. Naiisip ko minsan na ginawa nila yun kasi para mas may time silang mag study. I felt used and now I failed. Sometimes I wish sila nalang bumagsak pero inisip ko rin na mostly kasalanan ko kasi di ako strict sa kanila. Ang bobo pa ginawa nilang leader. Kaya siguro stellar students sila. Alam talaga nila gumamit sa resources nila.

Anyway. They’re already in clerkship, except me. Sana di kayo pabigat sa iba diyan kung honestly speaking, napaka selfish niyong tao. Hindi niyo man lang inisip na tulungan ako. Anyway I told myself that this may be part of some elaborate plan of the omnipotent being watching us. Hopefully this character development is worth it.

So kanina nagpagupit ako. Gusto ko lang naman magpagupit pero sinasabi ni ate hairdresser na ang dry ng hair ko kailangan ko raw magpatreatment. Teh tsaka mo sabihin sakin yan kung di mas dry yang buhok mo kesa sa akin. Nakakainis kasi kung anu-ano inooffer eh haircut lang gusto ko. Alam ko na may quota kayo but please naman wag niyo ipilit sakin yan jusko grabe din haircare ko no lol mas mahal pa sa treatment nyo kaya lang dry hair ko nang dahil ilang months na ko di nagpagupit at may kulay buhok ko, kaya ko nga pinapatrim para mamaintain ko yung health nung buhok ko!

Tapos eto na, nung tapos na yung gupit ko, sabi ba naman “ang ganda ni ma’am no kaso papayat ka pa ma’am para mas gumanda ka pa” eh tngina teh maganda ako kahit mataba ako at ANO BANG PAKE NYO KUNG MATABA AKO JUSKO?! Nakakabwisit lang kasi. Kung iniisip niyo na compliment yon, PWES HINDI SIYA COMPLIMENT bwiset! Sana itikom nyo nalang bibig nyo kung wala kayong magandang sasabihin. Nakakawala ng confidence hayup. Ngayon naiiyak ako kasi nakatanim siya sa isip ko haha idk if mababaw pero nakakainis lang talaga. Grabeng standard to kailangan mapayat ka para “mas maganda” ka 🥲

Nagwowork out ako, lifting, cardio, etc. Hindi ko naman aim na sobrang tutok sa muscle building or anything. I eat pretty balanced, aside from the sugar part kasi mahilig sa sweets. In fact, I don't even count my calories. I don't care about my macros. I eat whatever I want in moderation.

D ko naman tinatago na nagwoworkout ako, medj nagiging halata na rin since I started gaining a bit of muscle and losing weight.

Every now and then may magsasabi sakin na bat ako kumakain ng kanin or matatamis kung nagwoworkout/exercise ako, na parang andami kong carbs na kinakain etc.

Pake niyo ba, hindi niyo naman katawan. If anything mas active ako sa majority ng mga circles na ginagalawan ko esp since I'm in an industry where mostly nakatutok sa PC at nakaupo all day pero sila pa may gana i-police ung mga kinakain ko.

Suck it up Ben, umiinom ako ng milktea with pearls NA MAY CREAMCHEESE PA at mas malaki parin bicep ko sayo.

Medyo nakakagigil lang kapatid ko. Mag-iisang taon na 'yung bunso niya tapos malalaman namin na buntis na naman siya. Baon na sila sa utang ng asawa niya. We're talking millions. Dapat sana unahin muna nilang gawan ng paraan utang nila bago sila gumawa na naman ng bata 'di ba?

Tapos ngayon sensitive daw pagbubuntis niya, edi malaking gastos na naman 'yan hanggang sa manganak siya. Nakakainis silang mag-asawa. Hindi kami kasama sa paggawa niyan, pero ngayon dinadamay kami sa stress nila financially. Igu-guilt trip ka pa kapag ayaw mo silang pautangin. Sobrang hirap naman ngarod singilin. Hindi ka pa ise-seen minsan.

Mga hindi nag-iisip. Nakakainis.

It’s better to receive than to give ang motto nilang dalawa

Context, pinag aral nila kami hanggang gradeschool lang, the rest of our expenses growing up, uncle ko nagbayad lahat. ALL BILLS tito ko nag cover wala silang work pareho since nareach namin teen years

Now that we are successful, hingi sila ng hingi pati pano iccelebrate bdays nila at bakasyon n gusto nila puntahan

Imbes na naka focus nalang kmi sa buhay namin at pano kami makaka next level in life, ang hirap. Super pasakit

My pursuit of greener pasture and career growth doesn't stop. Pero lately, I realized one thing. Kahit saang magagandang kumpanya pa ako lumipat. I will never be fulfilled.

Why? Kasi working for the private sector is not something I wanna do for the rest of my life. I want to do something meaningful. Something that can add value to my life, the society and most of all the country. I want to be a public servant.

Pero I know how hard it is to enter public service. Marami akong nakikitang vacancies, pero sweldo pa lang. Talo na. Senior role, pero mas mataas pa sweldo ko ngayon. Also, I've been warned of how bad politics is. But still, gusto ko pa rin.

Anyway, while in the private sector. I will never stop acquiring new skills and learning. Para ready na tayo kung sakaling ibigay man yung pagkakataon na yun. But for now, I'll be continuing to do what I am asked to do because that is what expected of me.

If they truly care, they'll carve your name into their time, finding a way through crowded hours.

If they don't, don't let your heart become a waiting room.

Some doors are meant to stay closed, so your feet can keep walking toward the ones that open without being asked.

I'm 18 (M), and I don't usually open up like this. Pero sobrang bigat na kasi. I just need to get this off my chest. Pls don’t post this sa ibang platform.

We live with my aunt and uncle's family. Over the years, I've watched their lives slowly get better. My cousin recently passed the Bar Exam. Lawyer na siya ngayon. His sister finally got a decent job, and their youngest is about to graduate senior high school. They're finally at the point where they can give back to their parents and spoil them after everything they've sacrificed.

Another uncle of mine has his own business. They're financially stable, and both of their kids are studying in a good school.
I'm genuinely happy for all of them. I really am. I witnessed all the hard work they put in. They deserve every blessing they have now.

But every time I see them succeeding, I can't help but look at my own family. And it hurts.

My dad is a jeepney driver. Every single day, he spends hours on the road just to earn enough for us to survive. My mom is a housewife who's been taking care of my bedridden grandfather for years. She barely gets to rest. She spends almost every day taking care of someone else's needs before her own.

Then there's my siblings.
My older brother has a job, but he's a minimum wage earner and most of his salary ay napupunta muna sa mga bisyo nya. Minsan nagagalit sya pag humihingi si mama. My sister graduated with a degree in Education, but she doesn't even try to look for work. Instead, she treats my mom like she's her personal maid. She orders her around, even while my mom is already exhausted taking care of my grandfather. Sometimes she even raises her voice at her.

Every time I witness that, parang may nadudurog sa dibdib ko. I don't understand how they can watch our parents struggle every single day and still be okay with doing nothing.

Minsan naiisip ko... bakit hindi nalang ako yung naging panganay?

Maybe if I were the eldest, matagal ko nang natulungan sina Mama at Papa. Maybe hindi na kailangang mamaluktot si Papa sa pagmamaneho ng jeep buong araw. Maybe hindi na kailangang ubusin ni Mama yung katawan niya kakapag-alaga sa lahat. Nakakasurvive lang kami dahil sa kakarampot na kita ni Papa at sa tulong ng tito ko. And honestly... nakakahiya. Not because my uncle helps us, but because I know my parents never wanted to depend on anyone.

Next month, I'll be entering nursing school. My uncle said he'll help with my tuition, and sobrang thankful ako doon and I am blessed enough to have an uncle na palaging willing tumulong.

But instead of feeling excited, I'm scared. Terrified, actually.

Because I feel like I'm the last card this family has left. Parang wala nang Plan B.
If I fail nursing, I won't just disappoint myself. I'll disappoint my parents. I'll disappoint the uncle who's sacrificing his own money just so I can study. I'll disappoint everyone who's still believing that one day I'll be the one to lift my family out of this life.

My dad comes home exhausted from driving all day. My mom's hands are rough from years of taking care of everyone except herself. How much longer do they have to live like this? I don't want them to grow old worrying about bills. I don't want my father to spend the rest of his life driving a jeepney just because none of us made it. Ayokong hanggang sa pagtanda nya, nasa kalsada pa rin sya. I don't want my mother to grow old spending her entire life taking care of everyone else without anyone ever taking care of her. Gusto kong makitang nakakapagpahinga din si mama. Silang dalawa ni papa.

Sometimes I cry because I'm so scared that I won't be enough.
I'm scared that despite giving everything I have...I still won't be able to save them. Ang hirap maging mahirap.

Ma, Pa, mahal na mahal ko kayo. Antayin niyo lang akong makapagtapos, ha? Huwag muna kayong susuko. Huwag muna kayong mapagod. Promise, darating din yung araw na hindi na kayo mamamasada, hindi na kayo mag-aalala sa mga bayarin, at hindi na kayo matutulog na iniisip kung paano tayo makakasurvive bukas. Gusto kong mabawi kahit kaunti lang yung mga taong kayo yung nagsakripisyo para sa amin. Kayo naman yung gusto kong alagaan.

Hindi ako pala-dasal pero napa-"thank you, Lord" talaga ako kaninang umaga.

May pinapakain akong stray cat sa tapat ng apartment. Two weeks ago, ilan days na rin siya nanghihingi sa akin ng food pero wala ako maibigay dahil ubos na stock ko na food niya. So, last week, bumili na ako ng food niya, and para akong mommy na excited umuwi dahil may pasalubong sa anak.

Kinabukasan, di ko siya nakita buong araw. Hanggang sa halos 1 week ko na rin siya di nakikita. Akala ko di ko lang siya naaabutan talaga pero sabi ng landlady namin ay hindi rin niya nakikita.

Yesterday, habang naglalakad pa-uwi, bigla kong nasabi ko sa isip ko, "Lord, sana okay lang siya. Sana may nag-adopt lang or something."

Lumabas ako nang maaga kanina para mag-jogging AT ANDON SIYA SA USUAL SPOT NIYA HUHU im so happy. Kinabahan pa ako kasi pag-uwi ko wala ulit siya pero at least alam kong ok siya. Paglabas ko ulit 30 minutes later, buti andon siya ulit kaya napakain ko siya.

Nonchalant ako sa labas pero deadma sa nakarinig na kinakausap ko yung bebe (using my malambing voice) para itanong kung saan siya galing at bakit ngayon lang siya umuwi 😭

Hello, gusto ko lang ilabas ito dahil wala naman ako mapag sabihan lalo na’t hindi naman ako sigurado. Baka nag ooverthink lang ganon.

Mayroon akong ka work na ka close, 4 kami na mag kakaibigan pero itong isang ka work kong ito mas naging ka close ko dahil ako ang naging tagapakinig nya pag may problema sya sa kausap nya.

Nag simula ito nung umamin ako sakanya na may happy crush ako sa isang ka work namin. After that day, napansin ko palagi nya na yon kinakausap which is di naman nya ginagawa before. Lagi na tinatabihan sa office and lagi na bukang bibig. But I didn’t think anything of it kasi happy crush lang talaga. Pero after my confession to her kasi, pag may chance talaga na pahiyain ako lalo na sa harap nung guy, ginagawa nya. Wrong pronunciation, wrong term and even pag may new look ako nilalait nya. Kamuka ko daw si ganto and ganyan.

Medyo nahuhurt na kasi ako sa pang lalait and its starting to affect my confidence. And randam ko na may diin mga pamamahiya nya at pag tatawa saken.

Am I overthinking things? Baka naman masyado na kasi syang comfortable saken kaya umabot na sa ganon?

I have a stable job. Income that can compensate all my expenses and im happy.

Then came 2024. Nagsabi sa akin ang partner ko na gusto nya daw magtry mag work sa manila and since nasa manila din ako we decided na magsama n lng sa bahay na uupahan (Thinking one step towards our future na din ito)

Binigyan ko partner ko time mag explore muna before applying for a job. It was going well at first until lumipas ang isang taon.

Walang pa din syang mahanap na work. may apply pero kada last minute biglang magbaback out. During those times ako lahat. Bahay, utilities, groceries pati bisyo (she smokes). Everything shoulder ko.

Hanggang sa di na kinaya ng income ko ang lahat ng expenses. Dun ko natutunan umutang. Feel ko unti unti lumulubog yung buhay na pinaghirapan ko ibuild. 2024 felt like hell. Sobrang hirap.

Never nag stop yung usap and pag remind sa kanya na we cannot survive na ganito lang. Kelangan nya sipagan magapply.

Then 2025 i was hoping may magbabago. But i was wrong. It got worst. Araw araw puyat, babad sa phone at tuloy ang bisyo.

Thats when i snapped. Pakiramdam ko magulang ako na may binubuhay na anak. I got tired of reminding her. Of thinking about us. Sa future. I barely have time to focus sa sarili ko dahil sa kakaisip ng situation na meron kami. So i ended it.

Because of one bad decision muntik na walang matira sakin.

I am still trying to pay all the debt ive incurred. Di nako umaasa sa kahit ano. Im just choosing to survive one day at a time.

He suddenly gave me flowers and chocolates, advance na daw kasi uuwi akong province ng 5th anniv namin. Huli na pala yun kasi di na kami aabot ng anniversary.

It’s funny how life works no. Ang saya lang namin nung nakaraan, miss ang isa’t isa kasi nagtravel ako tapos ngayon, wala na kami. Masakit pero this time, tanggap ko yung break up namin. I’m at peace with letting him go. Maybe, this decision is really for the better. Hindi man eto yung ending na ginugusto ko, pero I’ll trust God’s plan. Naniniwala ako na kung meron para sakin, bat di pa ngayon Lord? Char lang. Magheal muna ako and enjoy life. Pwede naman ako mag isa, pwede rin may kasama. Kahit ano, basta masaya ako ☺️

To my ex. Thank you for the almost 5 years of beautiful and painful memories with you. I wish you nothing but success and happiness in life. Sorry for my lapses and I’ve forgiven you with all my heart. Just live your best life, not for anyone but for you. I hope you’ll find the love you deserve. 🍃

Lately, I've been seeing far too many stories and videos of dogs being abused - from Wangwang to that attention-seeking wannabe influencers who completely lost their minds. It breaks my heart. I can't understand how anyone could hurt such innocent, loyal, and loving creatures.

For the past two days, I've also found myself in tears after seeing two beloved fur babies cross the rainbow bridge. My heart aches for their furparents, and at the same time, it deepens the fear I already carry because one of my own dogs is sick right now.

All I can do is hold my babies a little tighter, shower them with even more love, and make sure they know they are safe, cherished, and cared for every single day of their lives. ❤️🐾