Hey there,

Growing older and the process of losing friends, youthfull appearance and energy struck me hard. It’s a very normal process but I think as someone with NPD this process hits even harder.
After a big collapse last year I lost most of my friends who I could count for supply and possibilities for mischief. No opportunities for party nights anymore. Sometimes I think this is a good way to be my real self and finding ways to find everything in me. But only working on myself gets lonely and finding new friends without my grandiose self and being in my mid thirties seems impossible.

How did you experience growing older?

Hey, my name is Victoria I’m 27, I live in Belgium. I was recently diagnosed with vulnerable narcissism. I’m not writing this looking for sympathy. I just feel a lot of shame around it, especially around not being able to form deep connections with people. It’s isolating in a way that’s hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t lived it.

I started schema therapy a few months ago. Lately I feel stuck in my head constantly. It’s bleeding into my work, my focus, everything.

I guess I’m hoping to find people who understand this from the inside not to compare wounds, just to feel less alone in it. If you’ve been through something similar, or you’re in it right now, I’d genuinely like to hear how you’re navigating it.

Just some quick thoughts loosely connected maybe

- Need to let go of the survival-self we learned to identify with

- survival-self beliefs include and means things like, for example "I am evil" "I'm a bad person" "I am sadistic" "I am just lesser than other people" "I can't do this" etc (who knows what you might be underneath?? We can develop the little kid that never got to develop now 🥹)

-how to know this is actual identity vs survival self: feeling present and alive in the body vs being very in your head and fantasizing (iykyk)

- things we learned isn't who we are

-We learned to identify who we are in survival mode as our personality

-we have not developed our personality (how when stuck in survival?) but we can now evolve

-but we need to let go of this identity or more of the idea that this is who we are

-i think PDs might be the "survival personality", that as the "personality" portion of "personality disorder"

-personality disorder as in identity we are in survival mode and our real identity disorganized?

How to overcome a narcissistic collapse and get back on the upswing?

I've been in a terrible state for several months now, caused by total social isolation and repeated layoffs. My self-esteem has hit rock bottom, and all I can do right now is just cry nonstop. The only person who had accepted my 'vulnerable' side rejected me the day before yesterday by bringing our conflict into a public chat of my online social circle

So what conclusion was I even supposed to draw from all this? And what the hell am I supposed to do? I'm trying to find a job, but I keep getting rejections. The only hobby that I was good at and that brought me joy and nourishment — I'm tired of it. I'm just left alone with my stupid reality, where nobody respects me, nothing works out, I have no job, and it's just one problem after another. I would desperately love to bury myself in workaholism again (I know it's bad, but at least it brings money and social contact, not sitting at home 24/7), but I'm simply not being let into new places because of their stupid rejections

And what helped you during hard times? How did you get out of a collapse, what helped you?

I hate who I am and who I have been. I don't know how to live with myself and don't want a life where I cannot connect to people and love them the way they deserve to be loved. I've hurt anyone who has ever been good to me and lost everyone except my parents. I keep hurting my parents by being so unstable and depressed, but of course they feel obligated to help me. I'm an empty loser with no thoughts, interests, skills, or hobbies. Even the causes and issues I thought I cared about were just vehicles for making myself feel morally superior to others. What kind of life is this? I just want to disappear. It feels like all I can do is try to make enough money to not be homeless and keep to myself as much as possible.

Do you ever fear that someone will figure out that you have NPD?

I accept my NPD and very much respect it for all the help and protection it provided. But I constantly fear that people will know, to the point that I try not to look into their eyes sometimes. Mostly because I can often identify NPD in others, but then I accept them and never try to distance them because of it. I think when I was a teenager I once voiced my thoughts to friends and they judged me for thinking that way as morally unacceptable and distanced from me (I told them that I broke up with my ex and laughed about it). Also, the media coverage on NPD is huge and before I was diagnosed I didn’t know the specifics but thought NPD is dangerous and knew a few characteristics. All this kind of makes me constantly on edge of being exposed and forces into isolation.

Also, since my grandiosity collapsed I played a nice person role and now it is scary to be more of myself (indifferent) again in front of these people because I feel like I have to stick to my role otherwise they will find something out. Do you force yourself to stick to one role against your will?

Any advice on how to stop even thinking about it would be very appreciated :)

i'm 21. i'm reasonably confident that i meet all the criteria for NPD. i'm not 100% sure, though, so i want to seek diagnosis. i feel like having that understanding of myself would help me plan my way forward, and it would help me explain myself to others.

problem 1: it's hard for me to genuinely consider the possibility that i'm wrong in my assessment because my brain explodes anytime somebody contradicts me about anything. if anyone says "I don't think you have it," it pisses me off and i have to try really hard to mask my frustration. it's counterproductive for an unbiased assessment. how do i deal with that?

problem 2: my therapist views my self-awareness as evidence that i don't have it. she says things like "People with NPD don't usually seek diagnosis, because they don't see anything wrong with themselves." all i can think to say in response is "do you think i'm stupid?" because it feels like in order to be believed i would have to lobotomize myself and pretend i can't think rationally about my own behavior. it's not even that i see anything "wrong" with myself, it's that nobody else seems to get it, and i want the diagnosis so i can make them understand. does she have a point? how can i respond when she says things like this?

problem 3: how do narcissists get diagnosed at all if seeking diagnosis is itself considered a counter-indication? do they get pushed into diagnosis by people close to them? do they get diagnosed when everything falls apart and they're out of options?

I find myself both subconsciously & consciously romanticizing and adorning my narcissism with aesthetics (and other comorbidities). It is a complex coping mechanism; I'm very metacognitive. I know it comes across to others as edgy and contrived but I only care about my perspective. I objectively struggle with connecting authentically with most of humanity because of my low empathy, seeing others as walking facets of resource, what I can extract from them (money, information,etc) most of my interactions are fabricated and inauthentic to my 'self'. I'm objectively a bad person and I have to conceal myself and mask with some cute persona with most people when I am honest/natural with my close family/friend I get "parasitic" "you really are a narcissist" "you're a terrible person" this can either be depression fuel or I can reformat this as some cool dark triad gothy thing. I like to think of it as some Nietzsche/Stirner thing & I see myself similar to those chic mentally ill women in pop-culture/film like Amy Dunne, Asami Yamazaki, Rubi, Teresa, etc. I do love myself, but deep down I do have some self-loathing, and my need for control and power thing is likely rooted in a childhood wound. I have no desire to get "better" or change how I am; I'm an egomaniac, and I genuinely believe I can CBT myself out of most mental challenges as I have done so previously. I am very neurotic about my looks I've been into "looksmaxxing" since I was a teen, and I do believe being visually attractive is necessary for any narcissist to get away with self-centeredness. I disregard others' rights and feelings to elevate my own comfort and happiness. Being atypical mentally speaking isn't a bad thing for me, as I've always been into alternative subcultures and it is romanticized heavily within said spaces, most of my relationships even fetishized it until it became a problem for them. I do find it "funny" because when I suggest I am ASPD to others they insist I am only a "low empathy NPD" and then when I suggest I am NPD it is actually "edgelord larp", but If I dare suggest I'm normal than I'm actually an evil sociopath with no regard for morality. The problem here is that you cannot be content, highly self aware and high-functioning people love to label others with disorders, but if you reclaim it in a slightly neutral way then they will bring you down. Usually sheer envy, boredom, or occasionally hatred. Despite being disconnected from most people I don't find it that terrible, atleast I can relate to some tiktok edit of some narcissistic sociopath from a movie and some of my bpd exes have found my lack of empathy and coldness "hot". I think it's pretty stupid the notion that "narcissists don't know they are narcissists", not all of us are stupid at a certain point 2+2, and it is either a radical acceptance to get "better" or a romanticization and the title is used to mentally elevate from others.

I remember there was this one chick that i had a sexual relationship with, she may have been bpd altho no idea.
We had a short thing, she wanted more and I sort of didnt want to be seen with her in an official way.
She seemed a bit erratic, was a bit older than me and had an unusual lower body and face altho could also seem hot.

She didnt even want a ton but i just couldnt.

And now collapsed I see her as almost unreachable, full person.
Idk if this is just collapse and depression or other stuff at play.

Maybe im just idealising her idk lol.

Anyone relate?

How do I support him? I really try and things are really hard I really want to support him I’m also pregnant and finding it difficult on my side. Any advice would be helpful

How do they tell the difference? Like how do they know it’s not BPD and I’m just defending by devaluing? People with BPD do that too. How does he see the core fear driving the defense? I can’t think of anything I said that would have tipped him off, especially when compared any other cluster B disorder. Especially if I present more vulnerably in therapy. Not saying I think I have BPD, I’m just curious as to how they can tell. I got diagnosed previously but didn’t want it on any medical records so I was surprised when with this new therapist, he said he thinks I have it.

The right most text on the one next to building on fire is I broke an entering for this guitar. In Minecraft of course as I am joking and not serious at all

People with BPD and ASPD seem to have their own versions of this,and I have one as well so I was wondering if anybody else does.

For me,it is my girlfriend. When I met her,I was idealizing her like I do with everybody. Most of the time,I devalue others when I realize they are people with feelings and opinions,but I didn’t with her for some reason. She was mirroring MY feelings and opinions and we are very similar.

I keep deciding to love her. Love is very transactional for me and is a decision I make if the person still serves a good use or function in my life. I consistently choose to keep loving her through acts,undivided attention and understanding to the best of my ability. I still come close to hating her or devaluing her in times of jealousy or injury,but I often try not to escalate it because I know that this relationship is important to me. At times,I get painfully bored of her and acts affectionately to interrupt that. It’s a cycle that I have to deal with constantly in this relationship and I will continue fighting it for her.

The funny thing is that I don’t really "care" about her personality like most think I should. I think about her function in my life. I’ve come close to breaking up with her since she only speaks 2 of my languages and I want a trilingual partner. But then I remember the interests we share,how she makes me feel,how she lifts me up and how she’s unlike any other. I often don’t think about her kindness or her being funny,I think of the different ways she is useful. I could not link back our lovely moments or her talents to her personality even if I wanted to.

I am not manipulative,despite what the narcissistic abuse activists say about that. I often don’t care about others and see their suffering as collateral damage,but I try to avoid that collateral damage with her when I can(which I always avoid). With her,I don’t need to put others down or put her down—I just need to lift myself up. She rarely brings me to the point of needing retaliation so my methods change a bit with her.

I don’t think people understand when I say I adore her,or when I say I’d do anything for her. I’m a love-bomber,but I’m not half-assing anything when I say this. I love this girl so much,I probably hug and kiss her 100 times a day. I enjoy her company about as much as my own and not a day goes by that I don’t want her by my side. I’d risk it all for her,and I have. I do not regret a single thing about it.

Hello,

I am NPD with occasional suicide thoughts but no attempts or drama for others.

I would like to chat with someone who is also NPD to have honest conversations about our behaviour because it is very rare for me to be able to speak out what is really going on and I think it would help me be a better person.

Maybe we can also give each other compliments for doing good things or just to stay in a good spirit.

Maybe a friendship can evolve.

I am a 35 year old male and like to go on walks or play video games.

Gonna start therapy soon, and I feel like my subconscious is too much to handle when it comes to vulnerability. I know that’s what a therapist is for, but I’m certain there will be conflicting emotions and thoughts with my false self, denied, and directed at the therapist. I also know that I’m gonna try to be manipulative at the start. That’s not something I can help.

I really don’t want to drop out of embarrassment.

Schema therapy and DBT is what I’m planning on doing. I’m not sure how they help exactly but they are what people on this subreddit recommended.

so I saw my psychiatrist this morning and got verbally diagnosed with NPD, only verbally because there's no way in hell I'm letting that be on my record, I don't want medical staff thinking I'm Hitler just for having it there

but yeah. my psych said she would talk about a lot of the stuff we discussed with my soon to be therapist, just because if it wasn't discussed it could've come in the way and yada yada

I don't really feel anything other than "thank god she actually took me seriously and didn't dismiss me for being 'too self aware.'" I've been suspecting myself of having NPD for a bit but only recently have I started to become pro recovery and seeing how a lot of the way I think (grandiose fantasies, that kinda stuff) is actually harmful for *me*.

like Im lowkey tired of having to feed this false view of myself as this great intelligent person with amazing Potential™ that nobody else has other than me. and if im not actively better than others then im a pathetic worthless failure who should die. I wanna be able to NOT be the best, AND not feel like shit for just being average ykwim I'm getting annoyed with my brain over this

but yeah. idk what im supposed to do now other than wait for therapy I guess

should I start narcissistically abusing all my close friends? should I start becoming an evil selfish liar? /j

I know that aspd have “exceptions” and bpd have “favorite person”, and i’m just curious if npd has anything like it

There's a key point that I really need to articulate in front of a therapist but I have trouble finding completely honest words even when I know exactly what it is. I was able to touch upon it a bit. For instance, I was able to explain that the reason I believe I have anorexia is because I really wanted to make my whole family as well as my friends feel guilty and suffer, but it was entangled with inventing an image, as if I feel people should admire and prize my beauty but they should suffer immensely and despise themselves for making me feel compelled to find means by which to invent myself anew in the first place.

I need to explain that I have a sadism that is heavily entangled with my desire to create and perfect a false person but I am not sure how so. I guess it is because I feel the two desires are dependent upon each other within me but also at odds with each other. Like, I can't begin to explain the profundity of desires I have that invoke observations of sadism and antisocial traits without shattering the person that I am most outwardly being right now in front of the therapist, but in my own mind this sadism is also integral to the person I invented for this phase of my life, the inevitable way of controlling and regulating whether or not the people I despise for destroying my true self will look upon the perfection I created.

I have an insatiable desire to become the most beautiful, high-status, highly talented and skilled person imaginable and do things that I intellectually know are immoral or harmful because I feel as if becoming such a person is my entitlement to do such things but I don't know what for. I can't access any emotions around feeling hurt or abused by individual people. I feel even worse about myself than I otherwise would because I feel as if it's possible these bad and evil desires are uncomplicatedly my only true self, but there must be something in me that feels genuinely wounded such that I need to believe I am a maxed out person of my chosen archetype to feel entitled to my evil desires, leading to me having no healthy or untainted goals in life that I maintain for my own sake. Everything is about this singular achievement of two desires. Idk, anyone similar?

I will tell you about all my hatred about people- how stupid, careless , unloved they are. It is not about being narc it is about growing in the right environment. Maybe, I am the bad person here but I don't think so, most of people are just complete selfish. I cannot trust any one of them because every one of them just waits to use you and if you just make one small mistake you are the villain. This is the blend of uneducated morons and their self sustained cultures.

To sum it up, I cheated at the beginning of my relationship. I had been having a lot of thoughts that I was non-monogamous all along. I had been talking to my therapist about it and they encouraged me to explore. My partner was iffy at first, and then became okay with it as long as I had open communication about meeting other people while they remained monogamous toward me. Fast-forward 8 months later, and the communication slowly died down between us. I suspected something was wrong and they wouldn't tell me for nearly 2 weeks what was up. They finally told me they were going through a lot in life and they are having second thoughts about my non-monogamy. Nothing ever came of it for me, just empty conversations with people on dating apps, remaining loyal to them through it all. I wanted them to be my "main partner" as it was.

I feel stupid for even considering it. I was also having second thoughts about it within the past 2 months, getting off all the dating apps in general/not even trying anymore. I should have told them earlier. They told me that they are afraid infidelity is going to happen again and that they need a week to think about what they want to do. This was two days ago. I seriously only want them and they are all I can think about. It took me months to tell them I loved them because I couldn't identify my feelings. I know I love them with all the capacity I have to love.

I hate myself for being myself/attempting to find what makes me whole. I went onto another subreddit and was legitimately harassed/bullied, called a whore, and told that I played stupid games and won stupid prizes for opening up about this. I don't feel like I deserve love when I hurt everyone I fall in love with for being me or fucking up midway through the relationship. I needed to get this off my shoulders, especially here because I know it's a safer and more understanding place.

I wanted to ask whether anyone here has had similar experiences in therapy. I’m not sure whether these patterns are related specifically to NPD, to personality disorders more generally, or not to either of them at all.

My therapist often uses the phrase “the dying swan” when I become overwhelmed by vulnerability, either in therapy or in everyday life. I tend to collapse emotionally and soothe myself by slipping into a victim mindset, lol. I sometimes dissociate and she has to wait until I can talk again.

Now that I think about it, I am curious about how I come across when I am in that state. “The dying swan” almost sounds like a perfect image for NPD: grandiosity and vulnerability at the same time.

“Playing Battleship” refers to another recurring situation. My therapist asks me a question, but I cannot identify or explain what I am feeling. She then offers different words or interpretations, and whenever she hits the right one, I immediately start crying.

It is basically emotional Battleship: she keeps guessing until something lands.

Does anyone else experience this? Do you see it as connected to NPD, difficulty identifying emotions, dissociation, vulnerability, or something else?

Seeing people post about how they’re ‘bad people’ never made sense to me.

I grew up in a Quaker highschool that taught us that everyone has a light inside them. I full heartedly believe that. People change due to scenarios outside their control (suffering abuse, living with a disorder, etc.).

Babies aren’t born evil, humans are quite literally born with love and to be social. If someone loses that love on the way, it couldn’t possibly be their fault — it’s the fault of their genetics and environment drawing out their self preservation instincts. Self preservation as an instinct is far stronger than the instinct to be a helpful community member, and it’s not anyone’s fault that that’s the case. It’s how we as human beings are wired.

Even serial killers aren’t bad people in my eyes. They murder people due to psychological trauma/mental illnesses. Their murders aren’t good deeds by any means, but they are still good PEOPLE (if that makes sense). If you put any single person into the life of any other person, there is no doubt that they would turn out the same way (if you catch my drift). I, for example, would definitely turn out to be a murderer if I were born in the same circumstances as one.

This isn’t to say we should excuse other people’s bad actions and not work on our behaviours, but the saying “kindness is a virtue” applies to OURSELVES as well.

Basically; a bad deed ≠ a bad person since no one is bad at heart — so be kind to yourself ❤️‍🩹

I was discussing a previous relationship with my therapist and telling her that I really regret the way I treated my ex. Basically, I have strong controlling tendencies. I would try to control the way my ex dressed, what she ate, her weight, how often she got waxed, etc. just minuscule things. Of course I regret treating her badly. She deserved better.

This is a recurring pattern in my life. I’ve tried to control all the women I’ve dated. I remember making an ex wear a short dress while it was cold outside. She was shivering and I was like “get over it. You look hot”. Just stupid shit like this. I create rules for my girlfriends- you can wear this, you’re only allowed to eat this, you have to get to 110 lbs, etc. I almost can’t help it. This kind of control over my partner makes me feel good, makes me feel masculine and dominant. There’s also of course a sexual aspect to it. I like being really dominant. I do have narcissistic tendencies.

My therapist basically called me a bad person. She told me “you enjoy hurting women”. I thought that was a crazy thing to say. She tried to backpedal and suggested we work through my control issues. It really made me feel like shit. I’m looking for your support.