My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now, and it’s definitely been a bumpy 3 years. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs, but these past few months he’s been really mean. I don’t know how else to put it. Lately, during our arguments or whenever he’s pissed, he’s been calling me “fucking stupid,” “an idiot,” “dumb,” and it’s really starting to take a toll on me. Today hurt me the most.

For some background, I work overnights as a Med Tech in an assisted living facility. I’m there from 10:30 p.m. until 7:00 a.m. This morning, he had an oral surgery appointment to get two teeth removed. I came home around 7:15, couldn’t fall asleep until around 9:00, and then had to wake up at 11:00 to take him to his appointment. I was obviously exhausted, but I was happy to do it because he needed someone to drive him home.

We’re in the car on the way to the appointment, and I’m half asleep, rambling about anything and everything. I don’t even remember what I said or asked. I just remember him getting irritated with me and saying, “Are you fucking stupid?” He’s been doing this a lot lately.
I obviously got upset and told him it doesn’t feel good to constantly be put down. We get to the dental clinic, and eventually he texts me to let me know what they’re doing and apologizes for what he said. He comes out, we head home, and it’s about 2:00 p.m. at this point.

Once we’re home, I’m doing my best to help him with his gauze. I call the dental clinic because he has a concern about something. The very nice lady on the phone tells me he doesn’t have me listed as someone they can discuss his care with, so she needs his verbal permission before she can continue. She asks him for my name.
We sit there in silence for about 15 seconds while I’m looking at him, waiting for him to tell her my name. Instead, he shoves the phone toward me. I’m just sitting there confused because she literally can’t take any answers from me, I’m not the patient. He gets frustrated and says it hurts to talk, which I understand, but it seemed like saying my name would’ve taken less effort than getting angry and shoving the phone at me. He eventually tells her what she needs, we get our answer, and hang up.

I bring up that, when I was sitting there confused, he looked at me like I was the dumbest person on the planet. I explain to him, again, that it’s not just the names he calls me, it’s the way he looks at me and talks to me that makes me feel stupid. We had literally just talked about how much it hurts me, and yet he proceeds, very frustratedly, to explain why I’ve “been stupid today.”

I try to explain that constantly being put down, especially when I’m exhausted, have barely slept, need to go back to work tonight, and I’m still doing everything I can to help him, makes me feel like absolute shit. He’s not really listening, and he can’t fully respond because of the state of his mouth, so I go upstairs to sit with my dog and take a minute to myself.

I end up texting him since that’s obviously easier than trying to talk, and I tell him this isn’t fair to me. I tell him it’s not okay that I’m constantly being put down, and that this is a line he can’t keep crossing.

This is what I got back:

“This is just how it is huh I get some stuff done with my teeth or the doctors I’m not doing well I say something you take it personal and wanna fight with me every fucking time ever since my first extraction it’s has been nothing but arguments and fights and me and me while I’m hurting here”

I really don’t know what to do anymore. I love the man he is when he’s not angry, but lately it feels like he’s always angry. I don’t want to leave. I love him enough that I want to keep trying. I just don’t know if that feeling is reciprocated anymore.

Hi, so my husband is very controlling and narcissistic! Like to the point it is bad even if i open the curtains or dont have blinds on windows. Putting camera around the house! So he can watch me. I didnt let him do any of it! Or continue it basically! I am trying to get control over my life back, but he is losing it.

I am not allowed to work outside the house, because he thinks his career is more important! And he guilt trips me how i can make wfh, and i still am trying to work outside the house!

I take care of kids, non stop, every single day. Goes with friends every month of couple months (after 5 years i started to see my friends again, because he keep calling them b\*tch and what not)!

Last time i went in april. My birthday was yesterday he didn’t give a shit, we were fighting, never wished or did anything for me. Today my friends decided to take me out for bday, and he went crazy, when i came back he was giving me silent treatment then burst out how am i not responsible at all!

And he making stuff up, i went crazy, when he stayed outside with his friends more than 3 hours lol.
I never did, when we fought he stayed outside for more than 12 hours, left me w kids, no food or anything! Just had food for kids!

Now, he is saying i took accountability and never did it again! So shouldnt i? I never get a break even in a form of work! Never get to go outside even by myself! My head feels foggy, occupied with kids and his tantrums!

My 5.5 hours are too much to be outside, in 4 months! I was literally shaking outside and thinking how he will react when i get home!
I feel sick! But i had to apologise to him, because he kept asking me! And he made me say, i wont stay outside more than 3-4 hours max!

But i cant work everyday, cuz he does! And he has a free will!

Need to know what should i have done? Or if i did a right thing?
(Making myself financially stable rn, to get out later)

TIA

I’ve debated posting this update for a while out of fear of being annoying, but I think this kind of reminder is so important.

For 7 years I was in such a horrible place mentally and emotionally and felt so held back by my ex-boyfriend. We were high school sweethearts, had our own apartment together, got a cat together, and it just felt like that was the natural spot for our relationship to be in.

Long story short, after getting into a new job and being surrounded by kindness, I realized that I was dreading going home more than I was being at work. I would drag myself up the stairs to our apartment and be in tears by the time I got to the final step just not ready to step inside whatever was waiting for me.

He was never physically abusive, but there was a constant kind of emotional toll where I felt like a burden, that I wasn’t as intelligent as him, that I couldn’t ever be as good as he was at things, that I wasn’t funny, wasn’t attractive, wasn’t worth hanging out with. He’d call me names, talk down to me, laugh at me, and also just hated hanging out with me. Literally wanted nothing to do with me.

I was so excited when I made new friends at my new job and they were asking to hang out with me. And he would tell me they were just being nice because they were paid to be nice to me. I would cry every single night and if I wasn’t crying, I was just dissociating.

One day I just woke up and decided this was it, I had the rest of my life ahead of me, and there was no way I could spend the rest of it being treated that way or feeling that way. I asked this exact subreddit wtf i should do, and I got some pretty direct answers (I read every one of them). So we broke up that next day, I moved out a few weeks later, moved into my own apartment, and let him keep the cat.

I truly had no idea exactly how held back I was until I got my bachelors degree, moved across the country, learned to fly a plane, met the absolute love of my life, got married, bought a house, learned to ski, wrote and published a book, and have traveled to more places in these 6 years than I ever thought I’d go to in my entire life.

All of this to say, my husband is the best person I’ve ever met in my life. Literally my other half. I thought I knew what that meant until I met him, and realized everything I always thought about love and relationships was so incredibly wrong.
It isn’t just about how good the good times are, but it’s how good the bad times are too. Our highs are high, and our lows - are still pretty high.

When we disagree, he respects me. When we argue, he respects me. He listens to me. He shows consideration for me. Even when we are annoyed or upset, there is always thoughtfulness.

I never realized what it meant when people say relationships are always work, because in my last one there was no work. There was complacency. There wasn’t ever a moment where we talked through what we needed from the other person, because there was an understanding that he would never change. We never discussed how we could be better people for each other, because he never had an interest in doing so.

If I never took a leap of faith and asked this group of people if my feelings and his behavior are normal, I would still be in that same spot today, probably miserable, and complacent. I truly appreciate everyone’s support and push for me to get out.

I think I’ve been thinking so heavily on this recently is because I’m almost as far out as I was in, and it’s crazy to think about how much time I gave myself back by getting out when I did.

This is all jumbled around because I’m obviously emotional thinking about this all lol but again, please take my word for it, you don’t have to settle. You can get out and find happiness in yourself, and then happiness with someone else. And then in 6 years you’ll be looking back with such gratitude and thankfulness that you left when you did. ❤️

So my JNMIL has made it clear that her and her son want to visit, which my husband told me and he hasn’t seen them in awhile. My problem - he is coordinating with them and not me. They’re asking him what dates to come and he doesn’t even mention it to me or talk to me about it. Instead, he talks to them directly. Has not even asked me about the time that works for me or the time we need to get in sync.

He is also adamant that they stay at our house, regardless of the fact that MIL has ignored my responses to her texts on multiple occasions asking for boundaries. But apparently I’m stuck with this.

Two kids with this man.

I have a question for women: why are you never attracted to depressed men? Personally, I am personaly get rejected alot off women jst cus i have depresion why women dont axept men in his all mod?

I've been with him for over half a decade now. This is my first relationship ever. I have nothing to compare it to which I think is why I am still here.

After multiple broken promises and sexually dubious encounters, I really, really need to leave. It's been horrible for my mental health for a long time. I've tried to break things off before and it just felt so gigantic and way bigger than me. He was so devastated that he threw up. He expressed feeling no purpose to life anymore, that he was living his life for me and our future. This was absolute hell trying to figure out if I needed to contact his parents about that. Never want to go through that again.

He shot off promises of never asking for certain sexual acts again (spoiler alert: he did them to me anyway while on a trip with our friends likely knowing that I would want to be as agreeable as possible with him to keep him in a good mood to act normal and not pouty and stone-wallish). No matter what he promises, the sexual coercion is always going to be there. It just becomes more and more covert the more I call it out. He cannot accept that I can't meet his needs, even though I've been so honest and straightforward about that multiple times. It's been a year since I first initiated breaking up, once more after that. I have to do it for good this time but I have no idea where to start. I've never sucessfully broken up with someone before, especially not in such a serious relationship.

Here are my obstacles:

- I have no privacy. I'd like to do it over the phone, but I live with my parents and I work late into the evening. They're already home by the time I get home. Our days off are the same so they're home all the time and the house is too small for me to have such a loaded conversation privately. I also really, really do not want to do it before my shift. That's not an option.

- I can't end it in person, which would have been ideal. I tried that the first time when we were living in residence for school, we slept together and the breakup went completely ignored for months. We are now long distance and he visits me. I'm not going to make him come to me just to dump him and make him go home in such a horrible emotional state. Also, we would have no privacy for that type of conversation. I can't go visit him because I don't have my license.

- I'm not ending it over text.

One thing I am really worried about is his lack of a support system. He has made me his everything, which has been incredibly draining. He doesn't really have many friends and he lives at home in the middle of nowhere. He is miserable there and he says all he looks forward to is seeing me. I know this is really bad codependency and not my responsibility, but this is someone I care about. I feel so heinous and cold for reminding myself that it's not my problem and he needs to figure it out himself. I know it could benefit him because it will force him to grow and change so that he won't feel so miserable, but I can't help but feel responsible for him possibly having a crisis or extreme depression.

My best hope is waiting for me to have a day off home alone and I'm able to do it, but I've had that opportunity before and still could not bring myself to do it. The thought nauseated me, even though he literally violated me and I have every right to break up with him over that. I have a massive issue where I feel like when I say or do something that upsets anyone, especially in a major way, I am doing something terribly wrong. I have like zero back bone, the relationship has degraded any self esteem and self respect I had left. I fawn like crazy with him. I always feel like I am doing the wrong thing, I never trust myself no matter how objectively I look at things.

I understand if reading this frustrates you. I am extremely frustrated with myself. I'm just hoping I can get some solid words or someone to tell me they've been there and what they did. Even just instructions on how to respectfully break up with someone in a serious relationship. I've been with him my entire adult life. I have no idea what to do, nothing I've done has seemed to work.

TLDR: I am still with the first man I've ever dated and it's wearing on my mental health. I need to leave the relationship, but there's a lot of obstacles in regards to how I should execute it. Or maybe they're just excuses. He has no support system because he has made me his everything and I am very worried about what could happen after the fact.

ohhhh boy I don't know where to start. Honestly, I guess this is a sort of venting.

I am 24F and I'm currently in a masters program and after that going to continue my education, therefore since I am preparing for that next step, I basically stay home with my mom in the summer and during the semester in my dorm. All of my life, my mom has always supported me, she was very nice.

However, when I started dating a guy during undergrad which wasn't too long ago, she wasn't fond of him, and always said things like, "Who else finds you pretty on campus?" "I didn't know 'insert this type of peple' like black girls." "You're dumb to think he actually likes you he wants this, x,y,z."

She would also make me think I got something from him and during that time was scared to eat from the same fork I ate from, but now she stopped doing that. It made me so scared that I actually thought I caught a disease from him, and I had a massive panic attack during a spring semester not too long ago. Mind you, I'm still a v*.

There were constant times she would text me in the early morning telling me about the weird dreams she had about me, these were very horrifying. But now when im thinking about it, they were very horrifying and never positive about me. This I guess made very scared for myself and honestly I think I developed a sense of OCD. I went into, (and im still crazy anxious now) a massive spiral and mental breakdown on campus that I made the doctor do all tests for me bec I really believed my mom eventhough im a virgin. They all came out negative.

Eventually, him and I broke up. Now, im talking to another guy and she suspects I'm talking to another person. Every time, im on my phone and texting it irritates her, she can't stand it. Therefore, at home I can't even talk to him. She does not give me any privacy. If I text too much around her or smile at my phone she gets very irritated.

Also, this guy wanted to meet me and my mom made it very difficult for me to leave the house. Idk...it's emotionally draining and too much oh my goodness.

Then now today she saw me texting and said, "What type of guy is always texting you? It seems like hes a loser, does he even have a job?" I was like what? But she is someone who you can't speak or she'll flip and go nuts. She's def not emotionally.

My mom's sister is worse than her. So much so my cousin (my aunts daughter) stopped talking to her mom, completely cut her off. oh my goodness.

Then there's this thing where I always have to be next her and when that happens guys look at me, stare at me, and then looks at me to make sure that I'm not causing them to look at me. Like as if im provoking them to...idkk this tooooo much.

every birthday, every holiday, same thing. i spend weeks stressing, trying to find something perfect, and then he barely acknowledges it or finds something wrong with it.

i'm so tired of it. why do i even try at this point

i got him an engraved stainless steel bracelet from The Steel Shop last year. just simple thought it was thoughtful. he wore it once never again.

it's not even about the bracelet anymore. it's the pattern. the feeling that nothing i do is ever good enough.

anyone else dealing with this? how do you stop caring

I recently wrote an essay and wanted to share it and give a bit of context about what inspired the essay.

My DH and I are both the oldest children in our families, and we had the first grandchild on both sides. We experienced LOTS of boundary stomping from both sides of the family in the early days of parenthood. My dad ignored all the things we communicated before giving birth and barged into my hospital room while I was topless and learning how to breastfeed for the first time. My step-mom's parents insisted on coming to the hospital to meet my daughter, and my in-laws wanted to spend hours with our daughter every day following our return from the hospital. Meanwhile, I just wanted to take my nursing bra off and not have to worry about all the noises my body was making in the bathroom. My DH definitely struggled to say “no” early on and it was anything but fun!

While we both were strong people, we also had people-pleasing tendencies. We had to quickly learn that "no" was a complete sentence. It took several years before we learned to be okay with disappointing the adults who raised us, and even a decade later, we are still learning.

This essay was inspired by The Lemon Clot essay, along with a host of other conversations between DH and me over the years. Some of it reflects what I wish he had done, and some of it reflects what he has done more recently (with a lot of hard convos and some therapy) to "get in the way" and protect our family.

Oh boy where do I begin on this one?

My husband (28M) basically got upset over me tonight about going down for the night to take care of my parents dogs this weekend.

The dogs are both elderly and one is blind and deaf and the other deaf. My parents are just going to be gone from Sunday night to Monday afternoon so they need someone to take care of the dogs. Being my best friend is having her partners wedding and can’t take care of them I volunteered and took an extra day off since I had a lot of spare hours to burn (over 70 hours of PTO).

At first my husband was ok with this arrangement but as it now 2 days away - he’s having a huge meltdown over it.

He hates sleeping alone for starters. I don’t know if this is an anxiety thing but when we did have a separate room he hated sleeping by himself. I offered if he wanted to come down with me to my parents as they allow him to stay as well but he Hates the fact my parents house is semi hoarded and doesn’t want to sleep there (yes I’m aware of the hoarding as I grew up in this home. I am aware about it and can’t really control this factor.). I said ok that’s fine.

What really blew him up was the fact I mention going down early before my parents leave to ensure the lock on the door is working. This really set him off for some odd reason. He told me to just shut up, why I never stop talking etc. I really don’t know what blew his fuse but I may have repeated it once before on a different night or two that really set him off. (My Autistic brain sometimes repeat things to remember things) He told me he dosent want to be alone in the house we recently bought (which he absolutely hates it, expressing to me almost everyday how much he hates it).

He’s been very uptight and tired recently from his job that constantly drains him. Working 10+ hours a day and his place is very toxic to him but refuses to leave. (He even stated to me the happiest day would be if he ever gets fired or laid off). He has brought home a lot of negative energy lately and I haven’t really been as intimate with him because he’s been so tired, rude and crabby. I’m kinda just at this mental point where this day off will be a refresher for me. I’ve been also heavily debating about downsizing a lot of stuff and thinking about taking another day or two off within the next month or so to do so. Honestly it’s been a while since I’ve been away from him for a full day besides working and doing work related events. I’m trying to gain back more independence and recently drove to two cities i never been to before for work. I guess it’s been motivating me to try have some distance from
Time to time from husband but I think he has some sort of anxiety related attachment disorder I don’t understand.

All of it over taking care of parents dogs. I’m just at a loss with it all.

Edit: I really didn’t expect this to blow up so much. Thank you all to the kind advice and recommendations on books, blogs and more. I am still planning to take care of the dogs despite his fit. I will be planing to take more time off and had a recent discussion with my mother on spending more time with my aunt (who is having health issues currently). It’s a slow way to independence for me. It’s a small step but I will be taking some of that extra time off to read up on what was reccomend this weekend (and spoiling the two elder pups!) it’s not a huge update and I’m sorry for that but I will enjoy the nice 3 day weekend!

We’ve known each other for a long time. We started talking in voice a bit after that and were on-again/off-again friends until he helped me leave my abusive ex. We got together officially about 6 years ago. Last year I left for about a month after being persuaded by others into trying something different. It ended badly (I was assaulted), and I came back. We worked through it and things got better for a while.

Recently, he told me he can’t stop me from seeing someone I’ve grown close to, and that if we split amicably he’d be okay with it. He even said we seem to have more in common with that person. I care about him deeply and we’ve been more like best friends lately than romantic partners (we’re both asexual). I still love him, but I’ve been feeling like I need more independence and space.

The main issue is that within the last six months to a year, whenever I show any emotion — tears, frustration, or talk about my triggers — he tells me to “stop being dramatic.” It makes me feel invalidated and like I can’t express myself safely. I don’t want to ghost him, but his temperament and anger outbursts trigger me badly. I’m thinking about telling him I want to leave the relationship but keep the friendship so we can both be happy. I’m scared of how he’ll react, especially since I left before. I don’t want to hurt him, but staying feels like it’s not healthy for either of us anymore.

Am I wrong for wanting to have this conversation? How do I approach it without causing a huge blowup?

We dated for 6 years. We adored each other and we were crazy in (and occasionally outside of!) the bedroom. She was a high performance, motivated, driven professional making 6-figures. We talked about our pasts, the future. We made plans.

We got married. Bought a house in a nice suburb. Had kids.

Then she changed.

She didn't want to work anymore. Never mind the $100k+ in debt she brought with her to our marriage. She wanted to stay home and raise a family. It's the complete opposite of what we had always talked about. I guess motherhood changed her outlook.

No problem. I'm also a high performance, motivated, driven professional making 6-figures. Going from dual 6-figures to just one is a big change, but more than doable, especially if she's going to be taking care of the house and kids. I was entranced by the idea of the doting housewife and mother she talking about being, images of the Cleavers running through my mind. It was a stark contrast to the feminist she had always described herself as, but I guess it's all about choice, right?

Ten years later, the loving stay-at-home wife I was sold never showed up. I get up each day and make sure the kids are eating and getting ready for school. I leave for work before she wakes. I work to pay the mortgage and her car loan; pay the credit card bill that's driven sky-high each month by her Amazon habit. I don't know how I'm going to pay it down this month. I've stopped wasting my breath trying to talk to her about it. Boy what I wouldn't give to get just some of that money back I used to pay off her debt.

When I come home 10 hours later she's napping. I get the kids off the screens they've been on for God knows how long. I tidy, wash and fold laundry, unload and reload the dishwasher. Gather and put trash out in the front. The kids are hungry. Obviously there's nothing in the house but junk food and snacks, there never is. Maybe the leftovers from when this all happened yesterday and we went to dinner? No. She's woken up and doesn't want leftovers. So we go out. Again.

She's tired from all the housework she did today; asks if I'll do bedtimes even though it's her night to do them. I ask her "Are you serious? The house is in worse shape than when I left! All you did today was scroll Instagram and start five new hobbies, they're scattered all over the house and yard! Besides, you haven't helped with bedtimes in two weeks!" But the words that come out my my mouth are "Of course, dear."

She goes to lay down in bed since she's so tired. I bathe the kids make sure homework is done, and get them to sleep. The dog I told her I didn't want needs walking, so I take her around the block while checking tomorrow's work schedule to see if anything will interfere with me taking the kids to school. Home, I clean the kitchen that's inexplicably dirty given the lack of meals made there.

I'm exhausted. I was looking forward to watching something but it's late so I go to bed instead. As I slowly open the bedroom door, the glow from her phone tells me I don't need to worry about waking her. I lean over to kiss her goodnight, thinking about all her flirty banter an innuendo at dinner, maybe this time she'll follow through? I get my answer as she turns her head to give me her cheek instead of her lips. I roll over and close my eyes, frustrated with myself for allowing the thought that tonight might have been different.

Wake up, repeat, and do the math on how many years until the kids are grown.

Family member dealing with physically abusive husband in CA, USA. Constantly gets beaten and verbally abused. Gets threatened of being thrown out the house and other financial abuse situations. She has been married for over 16 years. She has kids so that’s why she hasn’t left. Shes a stay at home mom who hasn’t worked for over 15 years and family of origin lives in another state. She is by herself. Her kids are neglected at times and he even takes the kids to in laws for weeks/months to in laws without her approval. Family willing to help financially for support if they separate. What are chances she gets custody of all her kids if she leaves? She is afraid she won’t be able to take ALL her kids with her. Any advice for her to leave as her kids are only reason keeping her to stay in that terrible environment.

I don't know what to do

I'll try and keep this short. My husband (M24) and I (F27) have been together for 10 years. He's always had a temper, but it's always been doable. (I'd like to express I have never been physically harmed). The last year or so, it's gotten worse. He can lash out for no reason, often even when I'm not around, so it has nothing to do with me directly. We rarely ever fight. He doesn't yell at me or anything, but starts throwing stuff until it breaks. Mostly it is my stuff. He never cleans it up either, occasionally I come home and find the mess and have to clean up. I lost track, but I probably already spent hundreds replacing stuff he broke out of my own pocket. My dog gets scared, starts howling and cowering away or behind me if I am around when this happens. Talking to him or confronting him when he gets like this makes things worse. When he gets like this, I often get insulted by him. He calls me things like a useless whore, a bitch, a cunt,... The issue is, I can't leave. Due to my business going bankrupt three years ago, I don't have the financials to find a place for myself and get out. I also don't have my driver's license yet so it would be difficult as is (I do have my learner's permit, but we share one car so I can't just take it and leave). I do have another job now, but it does not pay even half of what my husband earns, yet all our bills are split 50/50, meaning I barely have any savings and live from paycheck to paycheck while he has a lot of savings. He often holds this over my head. I love him, I really do, so I am not even 100% sure I want to leave. But I also know this is not going to get better. He's starting to genuinely scare me, and I'm getting worried about my wellbeing. Does anyone have experience with this, or solid advice on what to do? I can't involve my family, considering they live kind of far away, and if I'd go stay with them, I can't make it to work anymore. I'd rather not involve his family either, because i know that will get back to him and make matters even worse. I'm lost and I don't know what to do.

TL;DR: My husband has frequent angry outbursts where he breaks things, insults me, and scares both me and my dog. I can't easily leave because of finances and I'm looking for advice on how to safely handle this situation.

(was an aitah post but didn't wanna reformat it)

I genuinely felt guilty so please bare with me. The initial incident happened about a year ago. It took some time for me to write this. My ex (22F) and I (22F to keep it simple) had been in a relationship for 4 years. We'll call her Annah. She had asked in the beginning if I was fine with polyamory and I agreed to try it. We of course laid some ground rules, boundaries. The main thing I wasn't comfortable with as a lesbian was her having intercourse with men and visible hickey's. She said it wouldn't be an issue for her as she was terrified of getting pregnant.

Fastforward a little and she is now dating 4 or 5 guys and I am the only one with female anatomy. I ask her about it and she says she's just pickier when it comes to women. I let it slide. But about 2 years into the relationship I had to move from the area for school and i was working at the same time. It was only an hour and thirty minute drive, but after doing that every weekend it can take a toll. So after about a year of that I cut back cause I could feel the tiredness in my bones, but we would still talk on the phone or play games together. And I would still visit her irl, just not as often.

Now we're to last year. I start to notice a pattern where she'd say she was going to spend time with someone and would go silent for hours. Her own mother couldn't get in contact with her, let alone me. And every time she would be with one of her other male partners. Her excuse was always that her phone died and she only just got a charger for it. It never made sense to me how it seemed to happen almost every time she was out with a male partner. She also felt like she was distancing herself from me. She suddenly didn't want to hangout on the phone anymore or play games together. I would stream anime or kdramas for us to watch and she stopped wanting to do that too. Those were my first red flags for what might have been happening behind the scenes.

We stopped spending as much time together, and it's not like she could just visit me some instead because she didn't have a car. Annah and one of her partners that now lives closest to her started spending more time together. We'll call him Keris. I had considered him a friend and we all watched chainsawman as it released together. The biggest turning point that I think I remember is when the movie 'Sinners' came out. I think it was the longest time she ever went silent while out with someone. Even her mother was worried. Upwards of 5 or 6 hours, no contact with anybody.

I never confronted her because I wanted to believe that she wouldn't cheat on someone since she had been cheated on before and how much she said she hated it. She told me countless times that polyamory was about open communication. How even in a poly relationship if you don't communicate your intent, it was still cheating. She would constantly talk about the bad rep Bisexual people had and how she wanted to change that, but instead did the opposite. That night I cried my eyes out, but didn't break up with her because I had no proof. I didn't want to accuse her and be wrong, so I waited.

Around June of 2025 is when I found out. She hadnt been feeling good and went to the doctor with her mom. The doctor told her she was pregnant. That night is when she called me to tell me. I was on discord watching demon slayer with my mom cause she wanted to catch up. She texted me and asked if we could talk. Me being willfully ignorant and naive assumed we would finally get to spend some time together. So we called and she said to me, verbatim, that she's pregnant and she thinks it's from hugging Keris too much. A grown adult tried to convince me that he had semen on his pants and because they hugged too tightly it got her pregnant (her explanation).

I bawled my eyes out having conformation of her cheating and hung up. I couldn't believe either of them would do that to me. The next day I confronted Keris and he said Annah told him I was ok with it. And so I asked why he didn't confirm that with me and he had no explanation for it. Throughout the process of me interrogating both of them Annah was mostly unresponsive. She would text but not really answer any of my questions or show screenshots of their chats. Keris on the other hand was a lot more open to communication since he was apparently lied to.

He sent me screenshots of her talking about how great "it" was in his car after seeing the movie Sinners. I knew it. But to speed things up she called me a traitor for saying I wanted to break up with her. When I confronted her with the prior evidence from Keris she said it was because of dissociative identity disorder (she is not diagnosed) and said it was an alter (alternate personality) that slept with him four times not her. She then started saying how it's not cheating if you're in a poly relationship even though she was the one teaching me about poly relationships and had said in the beginning that it was cheating.

I'm confused and betrayed. I didn't want to write a whole book so I didn't include everything she did to me through the four years, but i probably never should have let it go on for so long. She said I betrayed her and made her rethink our relationship by breaking up with her. What did I do wrong? Am I the asshole?

(i'd be willing to give more detail on what I went through in an update if it's wanted but only in bullet form of everything I looked past or previously forgave)

TL;DR: gf cheated and got pregnant by close mutual, thinks im a piece of shit for dumping her

Have been married for 18 years, 5 kids blended family. Both dual military but I retired 10 years before he did. I have been a SAHM for the last 10 years. He took a job 3 years ago in another state and has been commuting home on the weekends. He now works remotely from home but occasionally has to travel for a few days a week.

In April of 2024 we had a massive fight where he threw things that ended up hitting me in the face. He didn't throw them directly at me but it ended up hitting me anyway. I didn't speak to him for two weeks, and after that he told me he wanted a divorce. This went on for a year and a half with me begging for marital counseling, I didn't want the divorce. He refused counseling with me but eventually decided he didn't want to divorce.

Fast forward, he has a drinking problem. He acknowledges he has a problem, goes to AA then drinks again . Cycle continues. In this time he has says he will never leave me again. He financially supports everything but I do get a small retirement check. We are supposed to travel for my 50th birthday this month, something I've been looking forward to all year. Sunday was family day, he got drunk and was mean. I had a biopsy scheduled for the next day and did not want to be stressed. So now im in pain and awaiting the results. I realize he was drunk again today, called him out. He got mean and nasty to the point I threatened to call the police.

He basically said he drinks to be happy. That I dont do anything around the house, I dont get out bed when he does, I dont have any ambition or goals. He said all I want him for is money. In reality I dont think he actually likes me, because who does this when their loved one is in pain and already stressed about their health. I was literally on the floor bawling my eyes out, and he says, "why are you crying, why are you acting like the victim. " " Maybe if I throw money at you you'll stop crying.'

I left the house. He texted that he was going to an AA meeting and that he sent a notice to his job that he's quitting. He said we can both be at home to focus on the kids and everything might get better.

I need to leave but I do not have enough to rent an apartment, plus pay utilities and food and insurance. Now he quit his job so no insurance there or any support. I do not want to be in this house with him . Also, the trip is already booked and paid for but now I dont want to go with him.

Just wanted to vent, if you read all this, thanks.

Me and SO have 4 kids together- 2 school age and 18mo twins. Every summer his family comes in town and EVERY SUMMER - there is no discussion about how long they are staying.

So. Start of freaking week three here.

He goes to work all day - I’m home with the twins - big kids are at camp. He took a few days off when they first got here - other than that he goes to work all day and get to come home and be revered as the glorified son who goes to a job all day.

His dad is great just picks up the kids from camp and keeps to himself.

His mom kind of exhausts me. Like I’m not a big talker - and she likes to start conversations and I’m literally like……stop talking.

Still don’t know when they are going home. He too scared to ask them

He forgets to tell me he is on call for work - but somehow he told his parents. Tells me he forgot he was on call - oh but your mom knew?! Had to go see a patient after work one day - ok cool that’s fine just send me a txt like “ hey will be home around 6 - have to go to hospital. Asked him why he didn’t say anything - he says he lost track of time.

We have 4 kids together. I’m just at a loss - I don’t even know what to feel anymore. I could just leave and I guess he would be fine running the house with his parents….right? Especially since they are never going to go home - or at least I will not be told when they are going home unless I press him to ask them - which is like the most impossible thing in the world apparently.

My husband and his family treated me terribly postpartum. They did so much that it felt like they were trying to destroy my mental health. Somehow, they didn’t break me. I kept my head up and focused only on taking care of my baby. Right now, him and I are basically just roommates living together. Our only connection is our son. I just focus on baby I wouldn’t even say he focuses on the baby I do everything. I breastfeed, give him solids, co sleep, and take care of him day and night. He has never even changed one diaper. I’m doing it all on my own… I still live with him because my family is far, and this is my home too. I’ve put my own money, time, and effort into this home it’s not just his. Right now I’m not working, and he is.
Recently, while I was basically just ignoring him and focused on raising our baby, he begged me to be back with him . He said he hated how distant I’d become, that I didn’t even say hi to him anymore, and that we barely spoke despite living in the same house. He admitted that most of that distance was because of the things he’d done. He cried, apologized over and over, and begged me to be good with him again. He kept saying this wasn’t good for our son and that we should be a happy family. Because he brought up our son, I agreed to try couples therapy.
Today we went to our second session first session was was introduction I hadn’t slept all night because baby didn’t sleep well, but I still didn’t cancel the appointment. He, on the other hand, was well rested and showed up dressed up I looked like I hadn’t slept in months. Therapist is young our first session was on telehealth second session in prison.
I went in with an open mind because I genuinely wanted to work on our issues.
Instead, this man lied about everything.
At home, he had admitted to all the hurt he caused and took responsibility for it. In therapy, he defended every single thing he’d done and made it seem like I was exaggerating or making it all up. I was honestly in shock.
What’s the point of going to therapy if you’re just going to lie?
He stayed calm the entire session and bragged about himself about how hard he works to support me and our baby. He made himself look like the perfect husband. The therapist even seemed to take his side. I wasn’t there to convince her that I was right, so I mostly stayed quiet while he painted himself as the most Perfect man, perfect dad and husband… he doesn’t even hold baby and the therapist told him he sounds like A great dad! . She laughed with him, smiled at him, maintained eye contact with him, and asked him about his work. I didn’t feel comfortable at all.
At the end, she scheduled another session for next week. When we got back to the car, the first thing he said to me was, “You tried to make me look bad by telling her all that, but it didn’t work.”
The entire ride home, he talked about how much he loved the therapist and how he couldn’t wait to go back. Then he argued with me about everything I had said during the session. His tone completely changed from how he’d acted in therapy.
This isn’t what I want.
I’m going to cancel the sessions tomorrow. I disrupted my son’s nap schedule, feeding schedule, and our entire day because I truly wanted this to be a fresh start. Instead I felt manipulated and gaslit all over again.

I (23) have been with my bf (25) for 9 months now. While I'm very happy and lucky to be with someone who I also consider my best friend and basically checks all my boxes, I am sometimes so awfully angry. I had never thought about needing my partner to be good at household/time management (I was only with 1 other bf before and he was honestly such a bad partner in general that I didn't have the energy to even think of this aspect).

For context he and his family are very tight. at first I only knew that he visits them every week and calls almost every day and I thought "wow that's nice!" Until he said "it's basically like we don't live together anymore but we still share a household"

He lives alone in a small apartment and its always super messy. all drawers of every closet or cupboard is open at all times, clean and dirty clothes on the floor. loads of laundry in the washer, wet for days!!! (without washing it again because forgotten. just washed once, then forgotten for days) everything that has a cap to twist closed is left opened after use even when posing risk of spillage(bottle of iced tea, skincare, toothpaste, olive oil, also wet wipes ...) the toilet is never really clean.

i want to say that I've lived alone since I was 18. In my family, independence is highly valued. I know that if I asked my mom to help clean my apartment, she would. at the same time, I would never because I know in the long run it's better to learn from your personal failures, so that is what I have been doing for the past 5 years. I have struggled to manage my own household (keeping up with laundry, dishes, shopping, cleaning, bills, university, part time job) and this past year I have finally gotten to a point where I can successfully manage. but my apartment also gets dirty sometimes, it happens, so I don't want to be judgmental of my boyfriends mess, you know? He's seen my mess, I've seen his.

But for him, he relies on his family SO much. Partially because when he refuses, they get very upset, sure. Still, he never really had to MANAGE all the tasks that come into running a household alone. He knows how to vacuum, sweep, wash his laundry and dry it, pay his bills, clean the bathroom whatever. he's done all of this before as well. But consecutively doing ALL of it, staying on top of what needs to be done and knowing when to do what, his family helps out so much that I don't think he ever had the chance to learn how to stop messes from forming. For example, after eating, he always leaves the dishes at the table to go cuddle after, unless I remind him to put them away.

This results in me feeling like I need to be thinking for the both of us at all times. with time management also. Eg. I went on a short trip and he said he'd drive me to the airport. I told him my flight time and he thought it was 3 pm. but it was 3 am. I said I needed to buy a phone charger for the trip, he told me he'd get one for me and then he forgot. I booked our airbnb for our vacation, sent him the screenshot of the dates and today he said we had agreed on the 15th and not the 16th and if I can still change it. he missed his deadline for applying his university entrance exam so he has to wait another year (no he did not write it down). I don't want to be a manager. but if I stop managing, nothing works.

I had talked to him about household things before. he knows it's not his strong suit and he knows my opinion about his family's overbearingness. he's basically asked me for patience and to show him how to do certain things and he always likes watching me cook so he can improve his own skills. He takes out my trash and brings me lunch when I'm busy with university, so he is really trying. But sometimes it feels like I am not dating a grown up simply because of all the things I have to explain to him all the time. Like I am a teacher. I am starting to get resentful bc I feel like I didn't sign up for this and I learned alone, why can't he? he's asking me so many questions all the time about how what works and I can't anymore. he's the sweetest man, but "What can I do to help" is even starting to annoy me. I don't know, you tell me what you can do!!!

his mom cleans his apartment without permission even. once she paid some bills she found without telling him and did it wrong, causing even more problems.I told him to ask for his key back and he said "I can't do that". told him I want him to go to therapy bc he needs to have a chance to be more than a son, he doesn't want to, but said he'd do it since ill worry anyways. I told him I don't want him to do it just because I tell him to since sitting at therapy when you don't want to might not be useful.

TL;DR I have no idea how to bring this up without basically calling him childish. I don't even really know what exactly I want to change. I love him so much, but I just get really overwhelmed when my surroundings are messy or when my time management is thrown off. I feel bad criticizing him constantly when he's such a patient person with me. help

Okay so back in October, I made a post if you wanna go back to that for some context 🙏

I should have ended it but I stupidly didn't. Now its gotten to the point where I literally cannot stand being around him. He literally farts every 5 minutes i have never experienced anything like this and I've lived w some people. And i'm not even trying to be funny here, theyre rancid as fuck, just imagine rotten eggs all the fucking time.

I guess what i'm asking for is some hey you can do this , don't be afraid type of feedback. On monday, I'm gonna go to the phone store to get off the shared phone plan and then after that , i'm going to officially end it. Thankfully, we do not live with each other, so it's just a matter of him taking his stuff and getting the fuck out. Thats where I'm at. We literally have tickets to see a comedy show on july 10th and I do not care. Other shows will happen.

I've turned into a mother im no longer a girlfriend. And I'd rather be alone then have to deal with this every saturday to tuesday. Like for what sex is alrght but that's about it. I can quite literally do that myself so that's irrelevant.

Like I know I'm going to be so much happier after this. It's just a matter of ripping the Band-Aid. So I guess i'm making this post to hold myself accountable. A partner should bring peace to your life... not add SO MUCH stress to it. My sponsor from NA said to me "you don't wanna wake up 1 day 20 years from now wondering what happened and why you didn't leave when you could have." That really opened my eyes (finally)

So yeah. That's my story lol. Thank you to whoever read this and gives feedback. I really really appreciate it sense I dont do this often 🙏

I am 4 months postpartum and dealing with postpartum
depression. I have bipolar disorder (type 2) so this was on the radar but getting the medicine my psychiatrist has prescribed has been a nightmare. My husband and I have been very distant.

Last night I tried to have a conversation with my husband because I could tell he was surly. He had complained several weeks ago that he felt rejected because we weren’t having sex. I had said I was afraid to get pregnant again, and he said that we could do other things that didn’t risk that. And I don’t remember how it came up, but he mentioned that he has to beg for a bj. So I sat with that for a while and decided that because it’s important for him to feel loved and wanted that I would make an effort to do things for him. Which I did, but at that time I just really didn’t want to be touched sexually in return. So after a few times of me pleasuring him and not wanting to be touched, he got upset again. Saturday he told me it was still rejection if he can’t touch me. 

So we talked about it last night. He said (in obviously more words) that unless we have sex regularly, he doesn’t want to do anything for me. And it has to be both of us engaged in the sex act. That if we had sex more often he would help around the house. After an hour of this conversation where you could just tell that without me doing what he wants, he just resents me so deeply, I finally said “Okay, we will have more sex”. I did the same things I’ve been doing for him after that and just let him touch me because what am I supposed to do. 

I was up 12 times last night with the baby. The baby woke up at 5:30 and I thought my husband was getting up with him but he just went to the bathroom and got in bed. So I started getting up so I could take care of the baby and he says “It’s okay I’ve got him”. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t. Realized if I want to have a clean house or sheets I better get up and do them before work since after work I have to make dinner and the baby won’t really let me put him down. So I’m sad. I’m very sad. I feel like I don’t want to go on, but it’s just a feeling. I have too many people depending on me to do anything with that. 

I made an appointment with a therapist for Thursday. Because I don’t have a partner. I have a person who wants my body and to have a mom to take care of him. I’m not sure what do to really. 

I've been trapped in a codependent, bipolar, argument loop with my SO and Im just done. He'll scream and beg that he wants to work it out but the second theres peace, he will start rejecting me, being cold, ignoring me and being very detached.

I finally said Im seriously done. I even offered 90 days because we're in a terrible financial position ( also mostly because of him but thats another whole chapter). He'll turn back on the caring husband act again but once Im open to.it, guard down, and relaxed.... his face distorts when he thinks Im not looking and the distance and tension begins again. He literally makes faces behind my back. Ugh.

I just want out but he doesn't. Either he's using me for the cheap place to stay or he can't stand the idea of rejection but Im so done. How did it go from beautiful to bad so fast? Thanks for letting me vent. I'll figure it out, I just have no one else in my life and Im tired of his drama consuming my every day.

I have been browsing this sub for years. I’ve always thought about leaving but felt like I couldn’t. I’m in debt after this relationship. Everything is in my name. We have two young children but I finally left after he hurt me. And I’m so happy to be away but scared for our safety. He is intent on destroying me in court ever since I legally removed his access to me. I have resources so no advice necessarily needed. I just want to share that I left and it was hard and scary and it’s exhausting but at the same time it’s so much better now. I was so abused and never even realized it. I will never go back. Thank you for reading.

My SO has this habit of sucking the joy out of fun things I want to do and making it about him.

15 years this has been going on.

He paid for one trip to visit his Podunk town in Iowa and it wasn’t even really a vacation. We went and visited his family. I got pink eye a couple days before the trip and he still forced me to go instead of cancelling my flights and him going alone.

My fly fishing trip? I went fishing and he did mountain biking. He somehow hurts his ankle and gets a flat tire on his mountain bike and expected me to want to pack up and go home after his incident. Nope, I spent $1500 on just the fishing guide and it’s non refundable. Don’t forget the food, travel, and camping fees. I gave him an ace bandage and told him he’s hanging out at camp and can ice his foot while I’m on the river. I didn’t listen to his complaints and said if things got worse I’d drive him to the local ER.

Any kind of little fun stuff I want to do as a couple is met with grunts of disapproval or he’ll go and then bitch the whole time we are doing said fun stuff.

Keep in mind, I’m usually bankrolling these activities for us.

As time went on I would plan stuff and if he wanted to go he would have to pay for his own transportation. I got sick of paying for an asshole to shit on my parades.

Disneyland? I brought him and straight up told him if I hear a single grunt of disappointment I would cancel the hotel, rebook somewhere else and he could find a flight home. He tried to test me and there must of been a look on my face that said instant death because he backed down right away.

I was telling him I was planning Hawaii and he got all excited until I said he needed to pay for his own flight. Then he got all sarcastic. Again, I just ignored him.

What brought me here today?

I had planned a trip to see my best friend from college. Three months in advance, everything planned out and my bags are still currently packed.

When I told SO I was going to fly fish with my friend out of state he got these big ol puppy dog eyes like I was leaving him out of something. He doesn’t fish and I’ve known my college bestie before I even knew my SO existed.

Nope. Had to cancel my flights and hotel about an hour ago.

My SO drives like a maniac. Since we’ve been married he has wrecked two motorcycles and four cars. All of them save one are from him following too close and rear ending other drivers.

Well guess who rear ended someone and has a broken arm…a day before I’m supposed to leave for my flight…

Glad he’s not dead but holy hell I need a break. I’m under so much stress I can barely eat or drink.

I’m also definitely mad about circumstances. I just want a damn proper vacation away from home ffs!

Edit: My vacation is pushed out a month. The broken arm included several units of blood loss and life flight. I am the emergency contact, medical directive rep and executor of his will. I’m sorry I didn’t just jump on my vacation when the nurse called me and said life flight was called in.

Therapy: We did it before getting married to make sure we were compatible and to understand what we are getting into. Nothing was wrong at this point. The second was when we were struggling and his Autism diagnosis came soon after. This is not a waste of money for me- I’m financially secure and each visit is $10 on my insurance.

Divorce? Sure but I can’t just go to a lawyer and leave. I have a LLC/trusts with board members and we all have to agree to dissolve or change the board around. I can’t just make that decision on my own, there’s other people involved. It’s not going to be a simple 90day cut and dry process.

I have several processes and paperwork to do before I can consult for divorce. I don’t want to be accused of hiding or transferring assets during the divorce so I have a lot of leg work to do to make sure I can “just leave”.

The house is big enough we can live apart, I just want to stay civil while working through my processes, which also includes my own private vacations.

I’m not excusing his behaviour but he stuck through my low when I had cancer, the least I can do is help him with his arm.

Thanks to those who offered kind words.

last year we celebrated our son's first birthday. i ordered the cake (my mom picked it up), bought custom decoration and hung it up, baked and cooked together with my mom, and made a grocery list for my SO (for drinks, snacks etc.).

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i had told my mom that my SO wanted a small birthday for close relatives, so only her, my brother, and my STBIL. she told me that aunt1 and cousin1 really wanted to attend so i talked to my SO about this and he said it was fine.

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i didn't know how it had happened at that time, as i clearly told my mom the plans we had, but aunt2 and cousin2-4 showed up as well. as soon as i opened the door, i KNEW my SO would get mad at me later. so the whole birthday, that i put so much effort into, i spent with my stomach in knots.

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the whole thing was a blur and suddenly all the guests were gone and lo and behold, he says i went behind his back and invited more people. i tell him that i didn't know anything about aunt2 and cousins2-4 showing up as no one had given me a headsup. he accuses me of lying and gives me the silent treatment the rest of the evening while i clean up everything and bawl my eyes out. turns out, aunt1 who was already invited, took her other kid with as well (cousin2) and told aunt2 that she could come with as well (with cousin3 and 4).

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it still sickens me how he immediately jumps to "oh, she's obviously lying" and just treats me like shit from the get-go instead of hearing me out. i've already been struggling with my mental health; especially the 1st year postpartum was rough. and that conversation we had before he started his silent treatment made me regret being born. i was suffering so much after giving birth because of 2 injuries that remain extremely painful to this day. if you've ever had chronic pain, you'll know that it can tank your mental health even more. he knows all this and still chooses to act like a complete asshole.

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nevermind i organized the whole thing and cooked and baked while he only bought groceries (from a list that i wrote). because my relatives showed up uninvited, he, TO THIS DAY, says they completely ruined the birthday. you'd think "oh, they probably made a scene or broke something in the appartment or they were too loud" but no. they comitted the crime of showing up uninvited to celebrate our son's 1st birthday for 3h, with gifts, and took photos. everyone had an amazing time except for my SO and i (i was stressed because of him).

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does it suck that this happened? yeah. as a host i like to be prepared and we didn't have enough chairs for everyone so it was a little embarrassing but overall i didn't mind. this party isn't about the parents anyway, it's for our son to have fun and to have nice photos and videos to look at when he's older. i also wanna reiterate, this was a 1 time thing only. it's NOT a pattern of getting our boundaries disrespected by family members and i'm NOT going to send my relatives away after they drove 1h to our place because of a communication issue.

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now his 2nd birthday is coming up, and it's the same shit as last time. "i want to have a small birthday for him." ok cool, and i would like my relatives to be officially invited and also HIS relatives. "no, i don't want your aunts there, we need to teach them a lesson, they need to respect our decisions." ????????? what the fuck is the matter with you???? i genuinely do not fucking understand this man. does he not realize that our son will look at these photos one day and be like "mom, why is no one at my birthdays?" "well, daddy was being an asshole! his need for a small celebration and teaching my family a 'lesson' were more important to him than you having fun and being surrounded by people you love."

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how do i tell this man that he's the only one making a big deal out of this 1 YEAR LATER and he needs to grow the fuck up???? he still talks about it as if it's the worst day of his life and really emphasizes how they "ruined" it for us. meanwhile he's the reason why i had a shit time to begin with. my mom also ended up crying for an entire day because she thought it was her fault.

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also his parents contributed absolutely nothing in terms of preparations, only their birthday gift 👌👌 the cake was made by my mom's best friend because she runs a cake shop. so my side of the family does most of the work but how dare they show up uninvited. 😱 BIRTHDAY: RUINED /s.