I’m a widow with two children (6 and 7). My husband died a few years ago after a long illness. During those years I was raising two young kids while helping care for him. After he died, I spent years just surviving. But lately, for the first time, I finally feel like I’m genuinely enjoying being a mom. I’m seeing there is hope for a bright future for all of us.

The conflict is with my late husband’s parents, specifically his mother (FIL just enables MIL). During my husband’s illness, they were…difficult. We usually had to ask them for help instead of them offering, they often stressed my husband out when they did help and although they could have moved closer, they chose not to, knowing their son had a limited time to live.

After he died, things changed. They tried to buy a house down the street from me because they were worried about losing access to my kids (I told them I wasn’t comfortable with that so they found a house a few neighborhoods away instead). They’ve wanted to be much more involved than they were before.

They are not excluded from our lives. They’re invited to birthdays, sports, school events, and occasional holidays and have maybe monthly? 1:1 time when it works for me. They see my kids regularly because of the amount of activities they are in. The issue is that they want even more 1:1 time (specifically without me there) and over the past couple of years I’ve pulled back because I find the relationship emotionally exhausting.

Some examples:
-My mother-in-law repeatedly tells me how often she “needs” to see my kids, even hours after my husband died (minimum once a week with monthly sleepovers was her demand)
-She constantly compares my kids to my late husband as a child.
-She has accidentally called my youngest by the name of the baby daughter she lost over 40 years ago (yes she has lost 2 children, 1 is remaining and lives close by with no kids).
-At family gatherings, games or events, they often monopolize my kids’ attention, seem competitive with my parents, and almost every visit ends with another request to see them again. It’s like it is never enough.
-They frequently compare my relationship with my own parents to theirs, telling me I need to give equal access, despite my parents having been incredibly supportive during my husband’s illness and after his death. My parents spend time WITH me and my kids and never demand to have my kids without me there. They offer to make us dinner, take us out to do fun things together, etc when that has never be done by my MIL.
-They have told me they are afraid of me moving on and finding someone else.
-I have been in therapy for years over this loss (and frankly to discuss how to deal with my in laws) while they refuse to go to therapy for themselves.

I know I have my own baggage too. Losing my husband while raising young kids changed me. I’m protective of our time because this is the first season of motherhood that has actually felt peaceful and joyful. And frankly, I am resentful of my in-laws because of how stressful and selfish they were during my husband’s illness and the pressure they constantly put on me.

I don’t think my in-laws are bad people. My kids love them. I think they’re grieving parents who love my kids and see them as their only connection to the son they lost. But my mother-in-law has very few relationships outside of family, very little to do except sit at home watching TV and my sister-in-law also has a strained relationship with her.

We recently had a 3 week vacation. We didn’t communicate with them while we were gone, although they saw our photos on social media. The biggest emotion I felt was relief. Not because I wanted to keep my kids from them, but because I wasn’t managing anyone else’s emotions or bracing for the next request to see the kids. My MIL texted as soon as we got back (they asked my parents for our vacation schedule so they could have it in their own calendar), “When can we see them?”

So I’m asking honestly:** **Am I being unfair by limiting the relationship mostly to family events or are these reasonable boundaries given the history? How would you handle this because I am so tired of the space it’s taken up in my head.

My JNMIL is seriously JNMILing at the moment, and I'm in need of some levity.

What is the most ridiculous thing that your JNMIL has taken issue with?

Mine is currently FURIOUS. The reason?

My 3yo son says please, thank you, you're welcome, excuse me, etc.

She says that I 'shouldn't be teaching him that nonsense so young'.

What kind of grandmother gets annoyed because her grandson's manners are *too good*?

Hi! My MIL is an overall horrible person. I can't even write out my issues at the moment because doing so is incredibly triggering. So please, take it from me.

I am expecting my first child in a month. We've had a handful of miscarriages, some of them in the 2nd trimester, resulting in surgeries. I have established boundaries with my partner and he's supportive. One of those is that I will NOT be seeing her in any capacity for the first couple of weeks. He supports that. However, I know she will show up. She does this all the time and even though my partner is supportive verbally with me, he doesn't do anything when she comes, which is essentially allowing it.

She puts me in the worst positions, and I always freeze. I need help with the following, please!:

1. What to tell her if she shows up unannounced that asks her to leave.

2. What to tell her if she is invited over and overstaying her welcome or being rude, etc.

Thank you all!

My wife and I have a 6-month-old daughter. Recently, my mom was watching her while we were at work. At one point, she gave our daughter some banana without asking us first.

For context, our daughter has had banana before, and my mom knew that because she had seen pictures of her eating it since we are a few weeks into trying out solids. However, my mom has never seen how we feed her, and she didn’t text or call to ask if it was okay before giving it to her herself.

My wife found out when she got home because my mom told her. Wife said that she tried to address the issue but my mom just said “she didn’t even eat it, it doesn’t matter” and changed the subject. When I called my mom later, I first asked if she had given our daughter banana, and she said yes. She immediately said it didn’t matter because our daughter didn’t actually eat any of it. I asked why she hadn’t texted us first, and she said they were bored and she saw the picture of our daughter eating banana, so she wanted to try it.

I told her that this is what I meant when I had previously said that some of her actions feel disrespectful—that I felt she should have asked us before making that decision. I also told her I thought she owed my wife an apology. She asked if my wife was mad, and I said we were both upset. She responded with, “I hope you’ll forgive me,” hung up, and immediately called my wife. According to my wife, the apology was mostly that our daughter didn’t eat any of the banana anyway. I feel like my mom called her to give a “knee-jerk” apology just so she didn’t have to feel bad about it.

This isn’t the first conflict we’ve had over boundaries. In the past, we’ve told my mom that we felt our role as parents wasn’t being respected when:
• She repeatedly asked us to let our daughter spend the night after we had already said no.
• She showed up to the hospital room unannounced after our daughter was born.

I genuinely do not believe my mom has malicious intent. I think she loves our daughter and wants to help. At the same time, I feel like when we bring up a boundary, she tends to become defensive instead of acknowledging it.

After this conversation, she sent me a long text saying she feels like she’s constantly under scrutiny, that no one she has talked to (friends, coworkers, therapist, and family members) thinks she overstepped, that my wife has influenced how I see her because of my wife’s difficult relationship with her own mother, that I have estranged myself from our extended family, that I need professional insight into my actions, and that God commands children to respect their parents.
From my perspective, I wasn’t upset about the banana itself. I was upset that someone made a parenting decision without asking us first. All I really wanted to hear was something like, “I’m sorry, I should have asked first. It won’t happen again.”
So I’m looking for outside perspectives:
• Was I unreasonable to expect my mom to ask before feeding my daughter?
• Was saying I felt disrespected the wrong way to communicate the issue?
• Does it seem like this is really about the banana, or is it part of a larger pattern of boundaries?

EDIT: For clarity, my mom has never fed our daughter solids before this and SOP for my mom when she watched the LO has always been formula

DH has been NC for two years with his mom. The longer he goes with no contact the more he realizes how much more peaceful his life is without her in it. She has sent flying monkeys, changed her number three times, and made the bad mistake of texting me once in the middle of the night because she was angry he didn’t contact her on Mother’s Day telling me that she had “nothing to prove to me.“ I told her that she was right, she never needed to worry about me not knowing who she was because I had her number the moment I met her, and then I blocked her. Which was long overdue and felt freaking awesome, I have to say!

She has changed her number twice since DH blocked her and left weird VMs over the years begging him to call her, all of which he has ignored. But these instances cause huge emotional spirals for him, though he’s usually ok after a few days and moves on.

Today, as the title of this post says, she sent a 37 minute video of herself crying in a hospital setting. He called me frantic at work. He was furious and disgusted and didn’t know what to do. I asked if he wanted to watch the video and he said no. He mentioned that it was a group text to him, his uncle, and his aunt. Perfect. I told him to give me a few minutes and called his aunt and uncle. They have tried to intercede on her behalf before and we told them that unless they wanted to damage their relationship with us, they had to stop, and they have mostly respected that. Really, only his aunt talks to her. Her own brother hasn’t wanted to speak to her in five years because of her bullshit. I asked them if they had watched the video and they said they had not watched it yet. I said, “Ok, all I need to know is if there is a life-threatening emergency actually happening right now so that DH can decide how he wants to handle it.” They said they would look into it and call me back. A few minutes later, his uncle called me back and said “she’s having heart palpitations and it sounds like she’s going to have a minor surgery like a stent or something but it’s clear she’s making more of it than it really is. Feel free to ignore it.” I relayed this information to DH and he deleted the video and blocked the number.

He’s still very distressed, so I asked him if he was comfortable with the idea of never speaking to his mother again, even if she dies. I recently buried my own JNMom. I was her caretaker for the last few years of her life and had to have very hard boundaries, including low contact at times. Her constant “emergencies” when she wanted to force contact/connection became more and more frequent until she finally did pass, so…yeah. I have seen this movie and I know how it ends. Toxic people often love to weaponize illness and medical issues to bypass low/no contact. So my asking him this question was really more about having a plan that we could enact if/when an end of life situation does occur. Personally, I would love it if he just stayed NC forever, but I feel resolved to support whatever he wants, ultimately I want him to do what is best for him, but just to be in a place of peace with it - whatever that looks like. Our teen son has only met her once and he has no interest in having any kind of relationship with her, and she burned her bridges with me years ago.

My husband didn’t really have an answer to my question, but he did say he is not interested in having a relationship with her anymore. I asked if there was anything she could do that would make him want to have a relationship and he said no, it was too late for any apologies, and he said that when they were talking before, he only ever called her out of a sense of guilt and obligation, and he dreaded it and hated every moment of the calls. All she would ever do was complain nonstop about her life and then guilt trip him about not calling more, something that she became and nastier about until that led to him finally coming out of the fog and cutting her off for good.

I asked if he would make an exception to NC if she was truly end of life and he said he didn’t want to. I told him that I would be willing to be bedside in that situation for her to make sure that she had her basic needs met and could arrange for her to go into a care or hospice situation if it came to that. I offered because I really am so emotionally disinvested at this point that there’s nothing that she could say that would get to me, but I would do it if it gave him peace to know that things were taken care of and that he didn’t have to see her if he doesn’t want to. I’m a big believer in not making traumatized children show up for their abusers at the end of their lives out of family obligation. I was able to do so for my mother because I’m good at compartmentalizing and I was adequately resourced to do it, but I did pay a price for it. My sister could not be there, and I didn’t blame her a bit. If I did such a thing for my JNMIL, it would ONLY be out of service to him, only as a last resort, and my goal would be to dip in and dip out after business was handled, hospice was arranged, etc.

DH said he might consider that. I asked if he would change his number and he said no, he’s not going to let her win. I warned him that he can expect a lot more of these shenanigans until the real thing actually arrives, which was why I was trying to get a plan in place because then we can just plan and not spiral out with what to do when it comes again. At that point, he shut down so I left it alone. I know it’s only a matter of time before she drops a new crying selfie on him and we will be back here again.

In regards to advice, though, I would love to know if anyone else has dealt with elderly and sick JNMILs, how you handled boundaries and how best to determine if they were just crying wolf or not. She lives on the other side of the country (thank God), but that distance does make it more difficult to determine if something serious is actually happening or not. I’m trying to balance keeping the peace in my own household with supporting DH and not wanting him to be in a situation where he regrets not responding for the rest of his life, but I know that a lot of this is out of my control. I would just rely on his uncle and aunt to keep us informed, but this causes tension because they both like to pull “But that’s his MOM” Boomer nonsense. (Yep, the same mom who kidnapped her sons from their father, abandoned them twice as young children to run off with boyfriends to Mexico, enabled my BIL’s twenty year long meth addiction until he eventually died, has put zero effort into being a grandmother but demands the title and accolades that go with it, and has otherwise been a self-centered drama-addicted POS in every possible way her whole life and now wonders why her only living son wants nothing to do with her? That one? Maybe you get the idea why it’s a touchy subject.)

If you have had to deal with this particular brand of aging JNMIL fuckery, what has worked best for you and your family?

I wrote this out on my phone so apologies for any typos and for rambling.

TLDR: We just got married (yay) and MIL repeatedly crossed boundaries. DH decided to try and have a respectful conversation with her after the wedding to set boundaries (e.g. we need you to respect our decisions and try to not interfere) and she BLEW UP. Rather than take any accountability, she tried to find fault with me or blame me for everything (for example, she wore white but insisted it was cream and then kept asking why I wore black at our engagement dinner and that must've meant something...) She called me pampered, that the devil was working through me to break up her family, suggested something was wrong with me because I was still grieving my late mother (duh I was sad my mom wouldn't be at my wedding)

We decided it was best to keep our distance from her for a bit to focus on the start of our marriage. MIL has not stopped messaging all the group chats. She "knew she'd lose her son once he got married." We've ignored them but she keeps escalating as if to provoke a reaction.

Today, my DH finally snapped. She shared an article about how nar / cissists manipulate relationships (implying I am one). And screenshots about how they use gifts to love bomb you. Giving gifts is my love language, and I've always tried to make my in-laws feel special like they were my own parents. For example, when I traveled to Amsterdam years ago I bought my mom tulip bulbs which she grew every year and treasured. After she passed, I bought some for my MIL when I went to Amsterdam again (she also loves to garden). In my heart, this was something cherished I also wanted to share with MIL.

Everything else that's happened has made me hurt and mad, but this...just makes me really sad. To have my intentions twisted like that. I've been with my DH for 13 years and 13 years of intentional outreach and me trying to show care... just to all be twisted as manipulation in the end. It’s really sad someone would rather rewrite the entire history and years we had a positive relationship just like that.

This kind of response from her also had me questioning myself... what if I am one and don't realize it? I started researching and looking at symptoms. My sister, friends, and DH all assured me I am not. I hate that she's also getting into my head and making me question myself.

I have made every effort to have a relationship with my MIL and to encourage my DH to as well. I genuinely wanted to get closer to her after losing my mom, particularly after getting married. Not to replace my mom, but because I know how important a mother is. I just can't believe it's gotten to this point and I'm worried it will only continue to escalate. A part of me wonders if we should have just kept our mouth shut, but it's also crazy that we can only expect her to act normal and loving if we act exactly how she wants. We didn’t even insult her or do anything, we simply tried to set boundaries.

Anyway, DH was incredibly upset at this passive aggressive message and got upset at his mom. He said he's tried to improve their relationship by having these conversations, but instead she's chosen to be hurtful and inconsiderate and continue to cross boundaries. Her response: "OK I'll just keep my opinions quiet" (no reflection, no remorse). My DH is drained and sad that "his mom doesn't seem to actually care about him and making things right with him and just wants her way."

I’m really proud he defended me, but I’m also really sad we got to this point.

We're both emotionally drained and not sure what to do next. Distance from her is already causing conflict because he isn’t responding. NC feels like it will only escalate things given how she is already acting. We. just. want. peace. to enjoy the start of our marriage.

Recently saw a post about grandma showers being a thing now and it gave me a solid flashback to when LO was born and my fiances mother invited her friends to her house to celebrate his birth. We were not invited as we were freshly pp, whatever. After her party she posted all of the gifts SHE received e.g. a cup with „grandma you‘re the best“, baby headphones with the caption „for when i‘ll take you out for games“ like ok, who told you this was going to happen? And other baby gadgets, it weirded me out so much… should have seen the signs back then, but kept excusing all of it with her being excited.

Btw NC since december and my fiance is out of the FOG, everything she or her flying monkeys do is clear as day fake and manipulating, i feel so free!!

Oh and After we went NC FIL gave us the headphones (in the meantime we had BOUGHT our own)

So I got married June 13th. Stored my wedding dress at the In-laws so my husband didn't see it. Went to get it the day before the wedding and it had been taken out of MY garment bag and balled up in a trash bag. I didn't flip out just took my dress to a friend's and steamed it to get the wrinkles out. We noticed that the jacket is missing. No one knows where it went. MIL swears it wasn't in my garment bag when she moved it because obviously a trash bag was better to transport it in. I never lost my temper, I again just found a solution... The problem is the whole family acted like I had done something wrong, refused to speak to me at our reception and have been saying how horrible I am for asking my MIL to apologize. MIL has refused to admit she did anything wrong and idk how to get past this. I truly have no desire to ever be around his family ever again.

My mother-in-law(61F) decided to wear an off-white dress to my(27F) civil ceremony day. 

She emphasized that "it is beige" while she ADVISED that I "don't need a white dress" to wear for myself??????? She then sent me pictures of dresses that " I can choose from", they are all ugly colourful cocktail dresses.

Her dress looks like a dress that I can wear on MY mariage day, with the colour and lace-pattern. If you told me if it was a bridal dress for a beach wedding, I would be like: hell yeah you go BRIDE.

I feel weird about this, am I the one who is the problem here??? I'm honestly so confused about this.

When my fiancé(26M) told her that it's weird, she got defensive and sent a screenshot of the dress on the website and emphasized that " it is beige" and that my fiancé "needs glasses". Then, She went to the store this morning to snap a picture of her chosen dress and a random white dress, had them side by side, sent it to my fiancé and said : "See! It's beige, not white!!!!" I swear this woman is rage baiting me. 

I initially posted this to a different community, the moderators removed it for some reason. It was suggested that this community would be a good place to share this.

Okay ladies, what's your take?!

I 27f and husband 27M are expecting our first child. I am about 13 weeks pregnant, and MIL has been up our asses since we announced. For context this is kind of her first grandchild, her stepdaughter, husband’s half sister, already has two kids. She isn’t allowed alone with them ever, nor is her husband SIL’s dad.

Her and I have never been close despite the fact I have known my husband for 11 years, married 5. To start with the announcement, we told her privately during a call and sent a few ultrasound photos. She then posted them on Facebook with my private health information showing on them. I had my husband tell her to take it down.

Then she said she’s making a nursery, we have spent last few weeks explaining to her why making a nursery is not productive. She keeps 3 dogs, they pee and poop all over the house. They have made so many messes the floor and baseboards need to be replaced. Also, one of the dog kills small animals and has bit her. There are more examples but her home is not safe for adults, let alone infants.

Now she has started to “quiz” us on how to take care of “her” baby. She used to be a pediatric nurse, she was fired, I do not want her advice.

I never had extended family around growing up, and I had really wanted my kid to have involved grandparents. At this point I’m so frustrated I can’t even stand to speak to her. She thinks my kid is hers. She has no respect for either of us. Each time my husband brings up a concern she says “buddy I’ve raised kids, you could learn from me.”

I’m sorry if this sounds like all complaints, but I want to believe she is doing this coming from a good place, but I don’t think so. She likes to lie, to manipulate people, she always has to be right. If you correct her she cries and accuses you of hating her. I really want her to turn things around, but at this point I can’t handle being angry anymore.

Would I be wrong if I talk to her myself about this? My husband has been talking to her and his father, but he is always kind of gentle due the reason with her reactions above. I don’t think it’s enough, I don’t care if they don’t like me. Honestly I’d rather be disliked and listened to than liked, and walked all over. It’s just hard her whole family falls over and caters to her wack ass mood swings. I’m never one to back down, but I keep being told it’s not my place to speak to her, but I think it is. This is my baby, not anyone else’s.

Thanks everyone, this is my first time posting, sorry for any typos.

I feel guilty even writing this because I genuinely don’t have any major issues with my MIL.

She helps take care of our baby, does my husband’s work clothes (they need delicate care, while the rest of our laundry is sent out), and she and my BIL help clean our house. My husband gives them a weekly allowance for all the help they provide, so it’s not like she’s doing everything for free.

Objectively, she’s been a huge help to us.

The problem is… I just can’t stand having her around so often.

She comes over at least once during the weekdays and also on weekends. Our home is a very small studio, so there’s really nowhere to go. She’s a loud, extroverted person, and when she’s here I feel like I can’t fully relax or move around freely. It feels like I have no privacy in my own home.

The tricky part is that it’s hard to simply reduce her visits because she provides so much help, and my husband is the one who regularly asks her to come over.

What also bothers me is that she seems to assume she’ll spend holidays with us—Christmas, birthdays, etc. I don’t think she’s being malicious, but I really want those occasions to be just me, my husband, and our baby. I want to build our own little family traditions.

I don’t hate her, and I appreciate everything she does. I just feel emotionally drained by having someone in my space so often.

Am I being unreasonable? Has anyone else felt this way even when their in-laws were genuinely kind and helpful? How did you handle it without hurting anyone’s feelings?

I’m annoyed.

Long story short, my mom in law is sensitive to smells. She’s sensitive to everything: loud sounds like fireworks. She’s also afraid of everything.

She doesn’t really clean her house. And her other son lives with his wife in mom in laws house. The wife likes to clean, but can’t because my mom in law doesn’t like any smells. Therefore, their house has a smell that won’t go away and ants.

When my mom in law leaves for weeks to visit family, she comes back to a mega clean house, but only when my mom in law is gone. Then everything goes back to normal with the smell.

Now when she comes visits my house, she asks me not to clean my counters because of the smell of my dawn dish soap. I have an open floor concept. I tend to clean my counters before I turn off the lights downstairs. And I keep the doors and windows open.

Mind you, she could have gone outside or upstairs if she wanted.

Regardless, I wipe down my counters and she had decided to sleep over.

Now that I’ve cleaned my counters she wants to leave. I’m fine with that. lol. I’m an a**hole.

But it’s fucking dawn dish soap. Windows and doors are open and it’s just the kitchen counters.

To give you another scenario, one time my husband got new shoes. They’re made of leather. The smell of leather is “strong.” So he puts them under her bed for over a week.
She only finds them because she’s looking for something under her bed like a ball my kid dropped.

She never notices. But she says, “no wonder I had this strong smell.” Lol believe me when I say we would not have heard the end of it if there really was a smell that bothered her.

DH’s aunt called him today. Basically to spill the beans/gossip about MIL and FIL. There were three main points:

1. Apparently MIL is in poor health. I find that hard to believe considering the woman still works and jogs on the regular. Plus she sent those great selfies of herself at her birthday altar to my baby not that long ago and she looked peachy keen.
2. FIL had a dream that DH was very sick and died. Wtaf. And then chose to tell his sister about this? A literal dream? And if he was that concerned about his son from a dream, he certainly did not contact DH about it.
3. DH’s cousin that got married for the second time last year but didn’t invite us, which drew a line in the sand with the entire extended family - and MIL and FIL pretended they knew nothing about this when we were still talking to them - had a baby a month ago. So the fact that this cousin, his sister, his parents, and MIL and FIL didn’t tell DH this is HUGE considering DH’s family makes it a point to camp out at the hospital and bust in on the new mom as soon as she’s popped that baby out, whether she wants company or not.

Anyways. Clearly all of this happened in the recent past, yet the only thing MIL felt like sharing with DH a few days ago was her “shared wish” that Spain win FIFA.

I’m sooo happy she got what she wanted…

I honestly don't know anymore if I'm overreacting, if this is mostly a cultural difference, or if months of frustration have just made me see everything through a negative lens.

My MIL isn't an evil person. She absolutely adores my daughter (16m). She's generous, loves spending time with her, and my daughter absolutely loves her too. I genuinely believe she loves my child. That's what makes this so confusing. Because I also feel like she doesn't really respect me as my daughter's mother.

Looking back, I think this started before my daughter was even born. While I was in labor and still having contractions, my in-laws came to the hospital. They weren't there during the actual birth, but they were there while I was still in labor. At the time I didn't say anything because I didn't want to create conflict. Looking back, I wish I had. Labor was one of the most vulnerable moments of my life, and I wish those hours had just been for me and my husband.

Since my daughter was born, it's been hundreds of little moments. Individually, most of them don't sound like a huge deal. Together, they've worn me down.

Some examples:

• She regularly takes my daughter out of my arms without asking first.
• If I'm playing with my daughter, she'll often insert herself into what we're doing until the attention shifts to her.
• If my daughter says "Mama," she'll immediately say something like, "Say Papa too!"
• If I'm having a quiet moment with my daughter, she'll often redirect her attention somewhere else.
• She gives my daughter sweets even though she knows I'd rather limit sugar. We've talked about it before, but she still does it.
• She constantly comments that my daughter is "still breastfeeding" and keeps telling me I should stop.
• She has suggested multiple times that I should put Vicks on my breasts so my daughter won't want to nurse anymore.
• She gives unsolicited parenting advice almost every visit.
• If I make a parenting decision she disagrees with, she'll often keep trying to convince me instead of simply respecting my answer.
• She tends to act first and ask later.

One experience especially sticks with me. Last year we spent several weeks in her home country. The whole family stayed together in the same house. I expected it to be a nice family trip. Instead, I constantly felt like I was competing for time with my own daughter. Almost every time I picked her up, wanted to cuddle her, played with her, or simply wanted a quiet moment together, my MIL would somehow step in. She'd call her over. Pick her up. Or simply take her from my arms. By the end of the trip I noticed something that honestly made me sad. I had actually started hesitating before walking over to my own daughter because I already expected my MIL to take over somehow. I know how ridiculous that sounds. But that's genuinely how it felt. We're supposed to go back again this year. Instead of looking forward to it, I'm already dreading it.

There's also a religious difference between our families. My husband and I come from different religious backgrounds, although we're both fairly secular in our day-to-day lives. We've discussed how we want to introduce our daughter to religion. Despite that, my MIL will sometimes involve our daughter in her own religious practices or beliefs without asking us first. I completely respect that her faith is important to her. I just feel that decisions about religion belong to my husband and me first.

Another thing that has really stayed with me happened when my daughter was still a baby. Someone in my MIL's home country told me that my MIL had been complaining about me to other people. According to them, she said that I was "a mother who doesn't know anything and has to Google everything." I obviously wasn't there, so I can't know exactly what was said or in what context. But hearing that honestly hurt. I've always preferred to make parenting decisions based on advice from our doctor, medical guidelines, or evidence rather than simply doing something because someone tells me that's how they've always done it. I'm sure that isn't everyone's approach. But hearing that she may genuinely see me as "a mother who doesn't know anything" changed how I viewed so many of our interactions. It made me wonder whether all the advice, comments, correcting, and taking over weren't just excitement. It made me wonder if she actually sees me as an incapable mother who constantly needs correcting. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the story changed before it got back to me. But I haven't really been able to forget it.

Another huge part of this is my husband. Every conversation about his mother follows the exact same pattern. I explain what upset me. He immediately says she means well. He minimizes it. He defends her. Or he simply stops engaging because he doesn't want another discussion about his mom. Almost every conversation ends with me feeling unheard. He's an only child. He lived with his parents until we got married, which is completely normal where he's from.

To be fair, my own culture isn't very different. The difference is that I feel like I've consciously tried to separate myself from the idea that parents should never be questioned. He hasn't. To him, this dynamic feels normal. To me, it feels suffocating.

One recent argument really upset me. He said, "Your dad also takes the baby from my hands." Maybe. But context matters. My parents live much farther away and this happened maybe like two times. They don't see him nearly as often. Maybe once every 3-4 months or even less. My in-laws live nearby. My husband literally takes our daughter to their house almost every single day for a few hours. He already assumes they'll become our regular childcare once I increase my working hours. Part of me thinks that's practical. They genuinely love her. She's safe there. A lot of parents would probably love grandparents who are this involved. But another part of me feels anxious every time I think about it. If I already struggle with these feelings now, what will it feel like when they're involved even more?

The other difference is this. If my own parents cross a boundary, I address it. I don't expect my husband to silently accept behavior from my family because "that's just how they are." My dad also regularly compliments my husband as a father. He tells him he's great with our daughter, that she eats well with him, and that he clearly knows what he's doing. I've never once felt like my father was competing with him as a parent. Whether my MIL intends it or not, I often feel like I'm competing with her for space in my own role as my daughter's mother.

I also want to be fair to myself. I know I'm not perfect. I'm independent. I like making my own parenting decisions. I probably don't take advice from older relatives as easily as some people do. After months of these interactions, I know my patience has become much shorter than it used to be. Things that another daughter-in-law might shrug off now immediately bother me because they remind me of everything that came before. So that's why I'm posting here.

Has months of frustration changed how I interpret everything she does?

Am I reading too much into things because they've built up over time?

Or does this genuinely sound like a pattern of someone who struggles to respect me as my daughter's mother while my husband doesn't really see it?

I honestly don't know anymore.

The TLDR of the history is that FIL is dying, in laws are obsessed with toddler and love to boundary push and I just had a new baby after a very traumatic few years.

Since having a baby over a month ago, we have had some success with boundaries. We knew that baby might have some medical complications, which did happen. She is fine and didn’t need any NICU time but we didn’t allow anyone to hold her for about a month until cleared by our pediatrician. In laws came to meet her after 3 weeks and husband made it very clear beforehand that no one could hold her. In laws agreed, came over, and immediately started the guilt trip. They asked multiple times and pushed, even after we said that our pediatrician didn’t recommend it and it was not happening. They left very annoyed. Whatever.

Since then, husband gets texts and calls every day asking for errands, lunches, whatever with his dad because “he has the time off while on leave.” He tries to make time to see his dad once a week, but even that is wearing on me pretty hard. We have a ton of appointments, a very active toddler, and a baby who doesn’t sleep. When we invite him to our house, it’s more work for me because he can’t climb stairs or do anything except sit on our couch so I wrangle two kids while husband sits with him and chats. If husband goes out with him and brings toddler, they complain that he didn’t get to see the baby. Taking baby out is not fun for anyone since she basically screams when awake.

The breaking point was when they found out that we booked a week at the beach (2 hours away) next month with my parents. My parents actually help and I need this break so badly. I can sit on the beach for 30 mins and read a book without anyone needing my boobs or a snack. MIL called husband to scream at him that he’s insensitive for taking a vacation while his dad is dying and he’s not even trying to make his last few months enjoyable. It’s never enough for them and I’m over it. I’m so exhausted running on minimal sleep, I am already overwhelmed, and they basically want my husband to prioritize them over me and our kids.

I told husband he’s free to stay home and see his parents for the entire week, but obviously he’s not an idiot and isn’t going to do that.

A brief timelines of in-law drama:
Ongoing (throughout our marriage): Repeatedly criticized our parenting decisions and questioned our choices as parents.

When our daughter attended daycare: They went to our daughter's daycare without our knowledge to confront and criticize the daycare provider, creating an uncomfortable situation for the caregiver.

On my late mother's birthday: After I declined a staycation with them because I wanted to spend the day grieving my mother, I was called "selfish" and was told how I should be processing my grief.

During my second pregnancy with my son: They became upset that we announced our second pregnancy at a family gathering with everyone else rather than telling them in a more personalized way.

When our daughter was approximately 2 years old and I was pregnant with son: While caring for her, they failed to inform us that she had a fever, been vomiting and was not producing few wet diapers. Following this incident, we decided they would no longer care for our children unsupervised, and we began limiting contact.

One week after the birth of our son: After we had already established low contact no unsupervised visits, they became angry when I would not allow them to take our daughter. During this interaction, I was called names and criticized for my appearance.

Ongoing: They repeatedly complained to my husband that we display photos of my late mother in our home but do not display photos of them. They have continued to give us framed photographs of themselves despite these conversations.

Now our son's birthday: They purchased a gift for our daughter but intentionally did not get one for our son at his birthday party with them because they were upset they were not invited to his small after-school cake celebration on his actual birthday that was just us.
Individually, each incident could be dismissed as a misunderstanding or poor judgment. Taken together, however, I think they reveal a consistent pattern of behavior in which my in-laws center their own emotions over the needs and well-being of our family. Rather than respecting our boundaries as parents, they frequently react to disappointment by criticizing our decisions, reframing events to portray themselves as the injured party, or attempting to make us feel responsible for their feelings.
This pattern has left me feeling disrespected, emotionally unsafe, and constantly anticipating conflict. I’m also deeply concerned about my son. The birthday gift thing comes from a pattern of them only sending cards addressed to my daughter etc. I do not want to wait until my son is old enough to clearly recognize unequal treatment before addressing it.

We haven’t seen them in a while and I’m just feeling lost on why should we? Am I holding a grudge for too long or is it reasonable to continue being low contact?

My husband (50) has an autoimmune condition and landed in the hospital for four non-consecutive weeks. MIL (~75) drove up for a day to see him (at our request. She's a former OR nurse.). She and i (49) hopped down to the cafeteria to have lunch and I mentioned to her how I was concerned about his nutrition. I know that's not THE only reason for his situation (I'm not MAHA) but when I see gas station cheeseburgers and Doritos in the fridge, I wince.

I cook quite a bit. My mom taught me and I enjoy it. I do the grocery shopping and most of it is on the healthy side. However, my career is freelance and in the arts, which means I'm not always home in the evenings, sometimes for several days or a couple weeks at a time.

After I mentioned my concerns about his nutrition, she said, "Well, are you cooking enough for him? You know how men don't know how to take care of themselves!" I stared at her in disbelief. I took a breath and tried to let it go. I mentioned how I cook when I can but I'm not always home. She recommended meal delivery. I said, "Yes, we do that, too." I also mentioned how - now that I'm entering perimenopause - i need more protein and want to be better at incorporating that into our meals. She poo-poo'd the chicken and fish I prepare and said we should be eating more red meat.

I should point out: my husband enthusiastically eats whatever I make but, when left to his own devices, reverts to bachelorhood. But I am not my husband's mother. He is an adult. At a certain point, his health is up to him.

Fast forward to the day of his release from the hospital. We're on speaker phone with her. She mentions the thing about needing more protein. I piped in and said, "oh! Well, remember how I said that since I'm in perime-"

"WE DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW!"

🫤

This woman doesn't give a shit about me in so far as what I can provide for her perfect son who is "just a man". For her, I should have a predictable (and understandable) 9-5 job that allows me to be home at night to be his second mommy (as she is to her husband, who is essentially a big man-baby). This is particularly true since we do not have children (and thus I have failed my duties as a wife and woman).

I am so fucking done with this woman.

Just came home from a trip to find that my dryer is gone and replaced with a different one. My roommate let them in.

My issue is mostly boundaries based. On paper, it sounds very sweet to surprise someone with a new dryer coming home from vacation after I had mentioned briefly that ours was going to need to be replaced soon.

But to me, this is not a gift but a chore and an obligation. I had a dryer with all of the controls on the front and it was taller than the washer so I could store items on top of the dryer and didn't have to stoop down to load and unload the dryer.

I come home and all of the stuff from on top of my dryer is strewn about and half put onto the new dryer which has a sloping top and controls on the back so I cannot store stuff on top. I will have to find a new storage space for everything on top and clean the mess.

It is also very short. I am 5'3" and even I have to full squat to load and unload the dryer. This will be an issue for my taller husband with arthritis who does the laundry.

And frankly, I am the kind of adult who likes to be in charge of their life. I enjoy researching brands, going to the store and seeing the options, comparing prices and sales. I think it makes me smarter and more capable for the next big decision. I spent a lot of time picking out a mattress this way and I am very happy.

I need to decline this gift and set the boundary but it's already in my house and my old dryer has been hauled away. I was not ready to buy a new dryer and now I'm in a spot I hate to be in. Accept the dryer and the complete walking over of my boundaries or deny the dryer, offend her, and have to shell out money I don't have for a dryer I don't want.

This happened late last year also where we were suddenly summoned to a car lot and they were buying a used car for us as a commuter car. Except it's a stick shift and I cannot drive stick. We didn't have the funds for an extra car and it's necessities but we were forced into taking it by the pressure of a gift. They also cannot afford to be doing this as they have quite a bit of debt.

I'm too old for surprises. How can I make them return this gift without causing Armageddon?

UPDATE:

Husband spoke to MIL this morning and apparently our old dryer is at a repair shop. He is happy. I am not. We have agreed in no uncertain terms that when our dryer comes back, he will tell her that this kind of surprise is not acceptable and while we appreciate the gesture, we need to be consulted on all decisions like this.

I still have to clean the laundry room and buy a new hose.

My MIL lives with us in my husband's apartment but I feel like we're living in her house because she does things the way she wants without concerns for the others...for an example, I don't like to use harsh chemical cleaners which includes bleach inside the home because it's not healthy for anyone but she still choose to use her bleach cleaner to even wash something simple like a dish rack. And I had already bought a cleaner with no bleach before but she still use those toxic stuff inside the home. And the thing is, she doesn't even need to clean anything because I already do all the cleaning tasks inside the home with my own will. She just wants to cause unecessary problems.

I was planning to cook some food tonight but the whole kitchen smells like bleach now because she thought that it was a good idea to use the bleach cleaner on the dish rack. Now I don't even feel like cooking because that bleach smell is so strong and she had not even washed the dish rack and just had spliied some bleach cleaning liquid on it hoping for me to wash it off with the water later...and she's already on her bed preparing to sleep. I understand why so many women can't stand the thought of living with their MIL. It's probably because of stuff like this. You can't manage the home with the way you like, when there's another person who wants to do things on their own way.

Previous Post, TL;DR: No contact with crazy boundary stomping mom for over a year, no end in sight of her obsession with me since having my own daughter

So since my previous post I've had my daughter who is my whole world! But I've also struggled figuring out how to protect us from my crazy mother. I tried finding a local family lawyer to lay the groundwork for a restraining order if need be but law firms around me seem to focus almost exclusively on custody and divorce. Any tips for finding a lawyer and what specifically I should be asking for from that lawyer?

In the last post she showed up to my door unannounced once she found out about my pregnancy announcement. Since then, she's kept her obsession going by looking at my ultrasound photos or baby bump pics I had sent my siblings. Found this out when I spent time with my nephew and he told me how creepy she was being about my pregnancy :(

She doesn't take no contact seriously. If I'm on the phone with my siblings or playing games with them over voice chat, I can hear her shouting to them to relay messages like "tell her I said hi" or "tell her I love her" etc 🤮

I love my brother especially but he's forced to live with her and play nice until he's done with his education and can move out. He also is abused by her often and vents to me about it, usually saying something along the lines of "I know you don't want to hear about Mom but..." and then venting to me about her latest crazy antics, with the most enduring one being her obsession with me. She picks fights with him blaming him for our estrangement, saying she hates him, saying he won't amount to anything in life, etc etc.

When my baby was born, I didn't tell my siblings about the induction date because I didn't want her crazy ass showing up at the hospital. My brother offhand mentioned that she was in Hawaii over the induction dates and it was like a sign from heaven that I could rest easy and focus on giving birth without worrying about having hospital security on high alert. Of course once my baby was born, I shared photos to my siblings and some extended family but not on social media, I'm avoiding putting my baby on social media. She went ballistic and I got texts from multiple family members asking if it was ok with me to share the baby photos with my mom and I of course sent back NO!

Like WTF, I haven't talked to her in over a year and yet she thinks it's appropriate to insert herself into my experience. She went crazy and blew up on my brother threatening him with homelessness because he refused to send her the photos. I literally spent an hour or two fending off family members who tried to needle me into setting aside differences and I just went fully postpartum hormonal on them and outlined all the disgusting things she's done to me, my siblings, and her other grand kids and finally they shut up.

In my previous post, I mentioned buying a house. The offer fell through then but we did end up buying one and moving right before having our daughter. Guess who used public records to find out where I now lived? Honestly I didn't bother buying under an LLC or something since I figured she'd go crazy and stalk me to find out where I lived anyway but man it was record timing. So of course when she got back from her Hawaiian vacation, she ding dong ditched my house and left gifts 🤮 for my daughter on the front porch. I didn't even look at them and had my husband take everything STRAIGHT to the dumpster. Luckily I followed past advice and have this on camera, but IDK what to do with the footage? Like police aren't going to take "my mom tried to give me gifts" very seriously since she left the property ASAP.

Now I found out from my siblings that she is under contract to buy a house in an adjacent neighborhood. Like this woman has a gambling problem, has declared bankruptcy NUMEROUS times, and is always in debt but she is straining herself financially to come live near me in a manufactured home park right next to my neighborhood, like down the street from where I live. What the fuck!!

I'm really struggling with how to protect myself and my future daughter from her crazy obsessed self. The other day I heard her shouting over my brother's Discord call to "tell [daughter's name] Grandma loves her" again I haven't talked to this woman since last May except to send a boring "do not contact me" text after she last showed up at my house.

What am I supposed to do to keep this crazy woman out of my life for good?

I posted a few months back about my 80 year old MIL who lives with me, DH, and LO (3).

Since my last post, DH has looked into some caregiving and transportation resources that would be covered under her insurance. She’s on the wait list for a few programs. DH also has a good friend who offered to help. He owns congregate care facilities and is very well versed in insurance approval and elder care overall.

We’re moving in the right direction with her day to day care. The problem is holidays and special events.

MIL has ruined every holiday since she’s lived with us. DH said she’s been like this his whole life and holidays can be triggering for him because of how she acts. She takes holidays very seriously, but doesn’t seem to enjoy them. She treats them more like a stressful full time unpaid job.

This Christmas, one of my husbands cousins visited. She is close to MIL and has a ton of patience with her. MIL treated the cousin like her personal assistant for the week. LO was messing with the Christmas tree and figured out how to climb the toddler gate we had around it. On December 26, I decided to start taking down the tree because I was getting nervous about LO pulling it down. MIL absolutely lost her mind. Screaming, crying, and insulting me. The cousin was out for a walk and tried to talk to MIL when she got home. MIL had the same outburst with her. MIL said I was intentionally taking the tree down to agitate her. The cousin said MIL grabbed her arm so hard she left a mark. The cousin texted me later and said she knows MIL gets stressed around the holidays, but it’s never been nearly this bad.

LO had a birthday this weekend. My grandfather passed away recently and I had unexpected travel expenses for his funeral. I told MIL that we can’t spend much money right now and we’re having a smaller party. 5 or so kids at a community splash pad with pizza and cake.

MIL is habitually late. We’re talking 4 hours late to her own wedding. She missed her husbands funeral and her goddaughters christening because she couldn’t be on time.

I told MIL the day before and the morning of the party that she needs to be dressed and ready to leave at 9:30. I told her I’ll handle LO and her things, she just needs to get herself ready. The actual time we needed to leave was 10. I’m a real estate agent and I had a quick house showing in my neighborhood in the morning. I dressed and fed LO before I left and got back at around 9:30. MIL was still in her pajamas. I told her we need to leave in 15 minutes. She started sobbing. Then LO started crying. I told her if she needs more time, she can ride with DH. DH came home in the middle of her outburst, and asked her why she acts this way on every holiday. She did not have an answer. She got herself ready in time to go with me (she wanted to ride with LO) and cried the whole way there. We got to the party space with less than 15 minutes to set up before the guests came.

There is no pleasing this woman. DH and I have tried giving her a bit of extra cash to spend on holiday stuff to placate her. She just wants more. Do you guys know the kids book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie? That’s my MIL. I could give her an unlimited credit card for holiday stuff and she still wouldn’t be happy.

Luckily the next major holiday for her is thanksgiving, so I have some time. I told DH I’m done. I’m not doing any holiday stuff with her. He said he understands. I have a huge extended family that mostly lives out of state, so we can easily find other plans. But some part of me feels bad. MIL doesn’t have many years left and LO is her only grandchild.

My biggest thing is that I don’t want LO to have trauma around the holidays. I used to love holidays before MIL. She’s told me I’m an evil person, that I have hate in my heart, and so many awful things during her holiday meltdowns. It’s embarrassing to have my friends and family around, because she speaks to me like I’m her employee and I don’t want to make people uncomfortable by being curt with an old lady.

I know MIL blames me and DH for being non traditional people. She has a lot of ideas about how things should be, and gets upset when we don’t adhere to her standards. I mostly just want to have fun on special days. Part of it is definitely misogyny. DH is a great party host and usually cooks for the holidays. I don’t enjoy cooking in bulk so I’m glad he does. MIL always asks me what the plans are, as if I’m hosting by myself. When I redirect her to DH, she gets mad. I feel bad for DH too because he’s a competent person, and MIL treats him like he isn’t. I feel like in a way she wants to triangulate us and have it be her and I against him, and she doesn’t like that he and I are a united front.

I went back to my home country to get my school records and photo albums of my family. BUT the trip was mainly to get any evidence or records of my bio parents.

None existed, none was left behind to be dug up, and all leads back to my adoptive mother whom I had gone no contact with for well over 10 years already. Yes, I am grateful for all the bare minimum of having food, roof over my head, educational opportunities, etc - but all of them came at a cost of my own safety and well being.

The woman had no problems pimping me out to her husband basically while he was molesting me from the age of 7 to 16 because she was getting his money. And sooooooo many more things that she had done to validate my decision to do this, but basically the decision I made was to protect my children.

Anyway, as mentioned earlier, it all led back to her and I had to go through the verbal WW2 just to get anything out of her. The worst part is I don't even know if anything she said was true at all. Who tf knows.

These are the things she said:

- Why are you digging up about your bio mother? I should be more important than her! I raised you! (I think it's well within my rights to know about my bio parents.);

- You never asked about her! Why are you doing it now?! (Always did and always will.)

- Why would I need to tell you or to supervise you from talking to older men when you were 15? You were more than old enough to know the difference of what's right and wrong. I was already working by that age. You ought to know better. (The woman encouraged me to get an old foreigner husband so she'd live comfortably overseas once she retires.)

- I don't know what happened between you and your mother during those three years. She died when you were a baby that's all I know. (Was told she died when I was a tiny teeny baby, but I found later photos of me a- /3-years old at her funeral.)

- I never said that you wouldn't get SA'd cos of your face and If I did, it was a joke. (Me telling her that I was SA'd twice.)

- Your therapist said you never had any diagnosis. You were and are just a selfish brat that did not have any kindness or any good in you to see me as your mother. (I said I do not want to pass any diagnosis to my children that's why I'm protecting them by going no contact.)

- Maybe stop telling people about all the bad things I did and start telling them about the good things I do? (Me explaining why I don't want to talk to her or let her be in my life at all.)

- I never meant it seriously when I told you to take advantage of your husband's parents. (Literally told me to stop spending money on my kids but to give her all of it instead and take money from his parents.)

- Do you know what your relatives and our neighbors say about you? They see how you treat me. They know you're an ungrateful brat. (I talked to them. They understand completely. They wish me luck and will keep her at bay they said.)

- That's great that you learned from me how to raise your children! I am so proud! (Me explaining why I am not letting her know my kids.)

- How did I not protect you?! You ought to know better yourself! (I was a kid, bro. The fuck.)

- Because you would have run off with some guys! That's why we didn't tell you the truth! Like what you did with your husband! (I asked how come no one told me the truth and I was already 23 when I met my partner. Damn.)

Etc, etc.

There's more but my arms got hurt from typing this out. She keeps saying to my cousin that she knows how I am; what kind of person I am like. Mind you, this woman and my grandma managed to isolate the fuck out of me early on so I didn't have any connection with my cousin. She knows me now and knows for a fact I am nothing like any of the things my adoptive mum claims me to be.

More things have been said. I did tell her I'd never forgive her even if it means I'm going to hell. Cos fuck that. She's never gonna be in any of my good books ever.

Thank you for coming to my raging orphan Ted talk. ❤️

my mil will not stop pushing her spiritual beliefs and alternative medicine practices on me and my husband. My husband recently had a talk with her about how she needs to agree to disagree with us about these things which he said went well, only for her to send us supplements in the mail within a week. We have spoken to her specifically about these supplements and how they are not proven to do anything and are shown to be dangerous and she just tells us to stop believing the "Big Pharma lies". Every time we are around her it is unavoidable that she will try to push some supplement or bs "cleanse" on us and then get angry and defensive when we don't want to (which she already knows). It is extremely difficult to be around her as all she will talk about is her beliefs and how we are wrong and falling for Big Pharma lies. My husband thinks she just means well and is trying to be helpful, but I don't see it that way. She knows about how bad my intolerances and allergies to fruit are and has told me I need to just "try them anyway" and tries to push fruit on me constantly. I don't see this as well intended since she knows and has seen what fruit does to me. It's so difficult for me to be around her because I am a non confrontational person and I have a hard time saying no, so her constantly pushing things I am allergic to onto me and pushing dangerous supplements onto me is exhausting. For hours I will be having to try to get her to stop while trying to stay polite, it is so uncomfortable. It isn't easy to get her to take no for an answer. I don't know how to handle it because she doesn't care how many times she is told no, she just won't stop. It is literally all she talks about. How do I handle this?