When I met my husband we had no intentions on having kids anytime soon, or getting married. Well we had an accident where my birth control failed and we decided we did infact want to be parents. We weren't married at the time, but we both decided it was best that I move to him to have our child. He lived a state away with his parents still and I lived in a house on my own. They had a lot more space and it just made the most sense at the time. When I first moved everything was pretty decent and cordial. His parents and I got a long well enough. I feel like it was just to get access to baby as they pleased. As the pregnancy progressed they started slowly stomping on smaller boundaries and id mention it to my then boyfriend and hed just try to excuse it or didnt understand and they made sure to do it when he wasnt around. For some context he was homeschooled and had been very sheltered. He had only stayed 2 nights his entire life off that property, they expected him to live there permanently so they had really had him wrapped around their finger, especially his mom. Anything she needed he was to do it even if it left me, his pregnant partner, to deal with not having my needs met. I talked with him about it and it did eventually get better between him and I, but I feel like that's the moment MIL shifted. She started to act all upset and disappointed anytime he chose me over her, our relationship started getting worse and we spent less time together. Eventually 2 months before my due date we decided to get married. Just a small thing in a park was what we had planned. Well we told his parents and they had to take over and we ended up getting married the way they wanted it, ofc at their house. I hated it but I was just happy to get married to the man that I gave up so much for. Well that pretty much sealed the mood for the rest of my pregnancy and postpartum period. The final 2 months were okay but the day I had my son was honestly hell. I got induced and my husband was with me. Eventually MIL came to the hospital and was there for the entire birth. She pushed and pushed until I caved for me to get the epidural I didn't even want. Once my son was born as soon as it was his father's turn to hold him she had to hold him as well. She spent as much time as she could the next 2 days I stayed in the hospital. I just wanted space and time with my baby. When we came back home it was way worse. Anytime he would cry she would come in, she held him until he needed fed. I barely had my baby. She ended up expecting him to sleep with her at night even which I did put my foot down on. Eventually my husband stood up for me after I got so stressed that my blood pressure went sky high and they yelled at him and essentially made us leave otherwise it would be what they wanted to do with our child. We moved in with his sister which was pretty much the same situation, fine at first then ended up with her taking over. Finally when my child was 4 months old we moved back to the house I owned and I've never felt so relieved. Im just now finally feeling bonded with my own baby. We have since gone no contact but I just have so much resentment. I dont know how to get over all of it

I wasn't sure whether to ask this in one of the wedding subs but its probably more fitting here, if I could get an opinion. Thank you.

I'm very low contact with my mother. Over the last few years she's sent some emotionally charged "just thinking of you, <guilt trip>" messages. My phone has rung from her number a couple of times, she knows I don't like to talk on the phone so I didn't pick up and then texted her whats up. Both times she said it must have been a misdial and she hadn't called so since the last time I don't bother to follow up when she calls with a text. It all feels like she's trying to find a way back in to my life before I'm ready to attempt that.

She recently messaged to tell me my uncle is getting married, which is the first I heard of it. The rest of her behaviour I understand but on this I'm not sure so my question is, is it reasonable for her to do this or should it be the couple getting married to announce/contact me as it is their big news? Has she broken wedding etiquette and used it as an excuse to message me? UK if it matters. Thanks.

Well my MIL is def overbearing. She likes to control everything. And is very judgmental. So much so that she feels the need to comment on my pregnant eating. It got out of hand. But moving past this, when we told parents we are expecting, MIL says out loud “I better not be left out of anything, ya know the mother of the husband always gets left out.” My mom is such a sweetheart and is like you won’t be. Cool. Moving along, my mom, MIL and two sisters want to throw my baby shower. MIL gets upset she isn’t asked or told about a date they threw around. Another “I don’t wanna be left out” pity party, they didn’t solidify anything. Then I get shit for telling her this and making her feel sad by husband’s brother. Wte. Talked to my mom and sister to smooth things over. They do. MIL has said that this shower isn’t up to me since I’m not hosting. The theme is what the nursery is (I won’t be having a themed nursery), told her that when I planned two showers I asked mother to be for their input. It was about them. Not me. She looked like I had two heads and stopped paying attention. Rude. Fast forward to two days ago, Mom and MIL meet for lunch to talk about baby shower planning. Mom said it went great and they’re going to check a banquet hall next day. I look at menu and of course it’s your typical garbage banquet food. I complained to mom on her way to this banquet hall and said I don’t want that food and hate it. Always have. I text dad (who was with them) that they shouldn’t make any decisions. He texts back, “too late they’re booking.” I’m livid. Him and I are on the phone, I’m just like why did they not consider me? Oh and no booze booked either. So annoying. Dry showers are boring. It is what it is. Anyways, since he’s with them, he tells them I’m upset and don’t want my shower there. I have given them ideas of places. But they did not listen to me. They didn’t even reach out to said places and talk to anyone. They booked the first place they went to. No hesitation. Come to find out MIL didn’t care about my food preferences. Made it about her. And here she is backing out hours later cuz she didn’t get her way. My own mother is dumb and goes along with MIL cuz she’s afraid to make her mad or cause a riff with her. I’m already dreading bringing up her grand child cuz that’s what it is. First baby on their side. She’s gunna want to dictate everything. I’m ready to pull my hair. Bad day overall but seriously, who plans a party and doesn’t get input from the mother to be???
Thank you for reading this far. There’s so much more to this conundrum. Have to cut short.

throwaway account yk - used the new user flair but this is vent + advice appreciated

So my fiance and I are in our early 20's, together for almost 3 years and set to get married this year. Or at least we were.

Fiance's mother hates me. I'm a trans guy and "stealing her baby boy away". She thinks I'm a bum who is leeching off her son (I pay all my own bills, including one of his until recently. Despite making way less money). She thinks that since I'm trans I'm going to leave her son for a girl. (She cannot comprehend trans gay people. She thinks people transition to be straight) I could go on and on about the terrible things she's said to Fiance about me and the things she's said to me. In my opinion, all I've ever tried to do was be myself and support her son into being the grown ass adult he is.

She has demanded that Fiance and I take a break, to which he agreed. It lasted like a day until we decided we didn't want to. I was hurt that he agreed without talking to me, but he's scared of her. Trauma response, I get it.

Months went by and I thought we were back to normal until he comes home from visiting them and tells me our wedding (we were literally a day away from sending out our invites) is off. We "no longer have her blessing and she will not be attending". She's mad because "we didn't give her any heads up" and that she wasn't involved in the planning. We just wanted to throw a little party, there wasn't much planning to do. I got clarification that she doesn't have plans on the day we chose, she would just be at home. I told Fiance that it's her choice to not go, and if that's what she wants to do that's on her. He restated that wedding is off.

Couple of days later, Fiance, I, MIL and Step FIL sit down to have a talk about things. It just made things worse. I told him I would match their energy and the second I did they got pissed. They tried denying that they're the reason we're not getting married this year and yelled that "If [Fiance] had any respect for us, [I] wouldn't be here." So I left. To walk home 5 miles in 80+°F. Luckily my dad picked me up about halfway through.

Fiance didn't even send a text to see if I was okay until I messaged to ask if he was okay 3 hours later.

He's since apologized and suggested getting secretly married. I told him I don't want to marry him right now and that he can't keep playing both sides like this. I've told him several times if he wants to be with me, he will never have their approval. I think he still doesn't believe me on that.

It seems like he's trying to make things up to me and he's said he "knows what choice he wants to make" but I just don't know if I can do this. I've told him I am very likely never speaking to his parents again, but I don't think he believes me on that either.

I know all of this is trauma responses on his end, but they're triggering my trauma too. I had an emotionally abusive mother (VERY similar to his) and no one in my life stood up for me as a kid. I had to grow up and learn to stand on my own at an entirely too early age. Not being stood up for is a huge trigger of mine in situations like this. Through all of this I've felt like a little kid with my mother and no one by my side. To me, when I proposed it was a vow of sticking by each other. But three times now I've been kicked to the side the second mommy said to.

Fuck, I just don't know what to do about any of this. I'm young, I can restart. I know I have the strength and ability to move on from this entirely, but I don't want to leave him to drown in this shit. He's confided in me that he's scared he'll go right back into being her baby if I'm not there. I believe that he wants independence and to become unmeshed, but is unable to. He doesn't have any one else to support him through this. And I love him still. I thought he was my forever.

I told him for us to still be together I will not be second to his mother. I can be second to him, but not his mother. And I will not fight or compete with her for that spot. He said he still wants to be together. Never directly acknowledged what I need to change.

Sorry for the long read and ik it's all over the place. Everyone in my life has said to leave him. But I feel like I'd be abandoning him in shit that I know how bad it is. I know it's so difficult to get out from under that. But I feel like at this rate we're both going to drown. He says he's trying to repair our relationship and I can see his efforts, but he's yet to make any kind of stand against his mother.

I hate the limbo space I've been in. I'm trying to give it another month or two, but right now it just feels like the damage is done and there's nothing left to rebuild.

edit because several people have mentioned it: he is seeking therapy. he has not started yet

My husband thinks I’m being judgmental.
I’m not being judgmental. I’m uneasy and anxious

I’m very very anxious around my MIL. I’m not trying to assume a bunch about her, but i’m starting to hate going to her house. She lives 2hrs from us. For context she is Hispanic. I think a lot of things are cultural.
She is very anxious herself and My husband views a lot of her actions as “just trying to bond with her granddaughter” I agree, but I still think a lot of it is overbearing and it’s making me (a new mom with PP anxiety and OCD) very uncomfortable. I feel like I can’t even go near my 3 months old daughter when we are at their house or everyone thinks I’m hogging her.

Throughout my pregnancy She touched my stomach multiple times without asking even when I was CLEARLY uncomfortable. At Christmas i grab her hand and told her to not touch my stomach and it became a thing. We were leaving and I guess after that she cried because she was embarrassed. She sent a text telling my husband to tell me she was sorry and didn’t mean to make me uncomfortable and then she cried to my husband about it a few weeks later. She said a lot during that conversation. I called her as well and just apologized for how the situation happened hoping that would resolve things. It didn’t really resolve much. She’s acted really weird towards me ever since, but ever since the baby was born in April so has had no problem over stepping in multiple ways. Here is a list of things that have happened. Some of it is before the baby was born.

She bought shirts for the gender reveal party without asking me first….i didn’t wear mine.

She bought window shields for the baby without asking. when she asked if we used them I said no because I already have some and we don’t use them anyways because i can’t see through my blind spot with them on. She looked really upset.

She has taken the baby out of my arms without asking

She stands over my shoulder when I’m doing something with the baby. I once almost tripped because she was behind me and I didn’t see her.

She asks what’s wrong with the baby everytime she cries

She constantly asks if I need help, but it’s not like can I help you out with what you are doing it’s “let me take the baby from you.”

When she hangs out with the baby she often brings the baby into rooms I’m not in and into bedrooms(doors open)

Constantly wants me and my husband to leave and go out so that she can bond with the baby. Again she’s 3 months.

Comments on my weights
Comments on my husbands weight

Told me to be careful what I ate because it can cause issues with the babies stomach right after I gave birth.

In the past looked at my husbands bank account and has tried to insert herself into our finances. Husband did speak to her about this one. She still asks him, but we have a joint account now that she can’t see.

Every time I breastfeed she asks me if the baby is still eating.

Asks me if I think my LO has gas or if I think she hungry or what her size is, and when I answer no or tell Her the size she gives me a look like “are you sure?” / straight up questions me ” are you sure?”

Asked my husband if she could keep 1 singular onesie at her house and it was dirty….. he said yes. I took it home anyways because it was my favorite of her onesie’s and baby had peed on it.

She asked me if we had gotten the LO passport yet. She was not even 3 months old. And when we said no she told us how important it was that we do that quickly.

Has asked my husband multiple times if are relationship is good.

We stay at their house sometimes when we go up because of the drive. At 4th of July I put her to sleep and ran out of the room really quick to go get my charge from the car. When I came back to the room my husband was standing over the bassinet watching our daughter sleep. I asked him what was up and he said his mom said “shouldn’t you go watch the baby.” And he did. The baby is fine for a sec and him walking into the room could have woken her up.

LO has some eye boogers because of an underdeveloped tear duct. When we saw MIL she asked if we had talked to her pediatrician. This was weeks after we had done treatments for it. There was nothing more we could do but wait till it developed. We told her this. She STILL asked about it 4 more times within the following two days. “Are you going to wipe it?” “have you been spraying breast milk in it” “her eye looks really bad.”

AITA

This is gonna be a long one. Grab a snack and a drink.

I’m looking for outside perspective because I feel like I’ve been stuck in the same cycle for over a year, and I’m trying to understand if I’m being unreasonable or if my feelings make sense.
DH and I were together for about 5 years before getting married. During that time, we had a very loving relationship and rarely had conflict. We were long distance, so I only met his family a couple of times before marriage. I knew DH and MIL were close and that they talked often, but I didn’t understand the full family dynamic because I wasn’t living in it.

After marriage, I moved to Ottawa and became much more involved with his family. That is when I started noticing things that made me uncomfortable.
I want to be clear: I do not want DH to cut off his family. I do not believe a husband cannot be close with his mother. My issue is that I feel like our marriage was expected to fit into an already-established family dynamic instead of the family adjusting to the fact that DH was now married.
Over time, I started feeling like MIL had a level of access and involvement in our marriage that I was not comfortable with.

Some examples:
DH and MIL talk every single day, often while he is driving to or from work.
MIL frequently asks detailed questions about our daily life — where we went, what we ate, what we did, our plans, etc.
Plans would sometimes be made between DH and his family, and I would find out afterward.
I would hear things like, “Oh, DH didn’t tell you?” or “I thought he told you already,” which made me feel like an outsider in my own marriage.
There have also been comments and behaviors from MIL that have made me uncomfortable.

For example:
MIL has called DH things like “my love” and made comments that felt overly affectionate, especially considering he is a married man.
She has joked that she is his “date” when they go out together.

She has made comments about how handsome he is while directing them toward him while I am standing there.
When discussing trips, she has asked DH things like when he is taking her, even though I am right there. Afterwards, she may ask if I want to come too, but it feels strange because I feel like I should naturally be included as his wife.
She has made comments that left me feeling like an outsider, such as saying, “If I had lived here as long as you have, I would know where everything is by now.” It felt less like a helpful comment and more like a criticism comparing me to her level of familiarity.

There have also been issues with our home and boundaries.
One example was when DH’s family bought and installed a gazebo in our backyard without having a conversation with me first. It was already decided and placed, and I was expected to be okay with it.
For me, the issue was not the gazebo itself. It was the fact that a major change to our shared home happened without my input. I felt like I was not being treated as an equal homeowner/partner in decisions about our space.
Another issue has been visits. I have expressed that I would like people to ask before coming over.
However, there have been situations where MIL will come over when her sister is coming over, almost like her sister’s visit becomes a way to bypass asking us directly. It feels like a boundary is technically being avoided rather than respected because she can still show up without having to ask.

When I first brought these concerns to DH, he would often say:
“That’s just how they are.”
“This is our family dynamic.”
“Maybe MIL isn’t used to me being married.”
I understood that this was their normal, but my response was that marriage creates a new family unit. I needed them to adjust to me being DH’s wife, not for me to endlessly adjust to their way of doing things.
I gave it time. I tried to be patient. But after over a year, I still felt like I was the only one adjusting.

A big part of the hurt has been that DH often does not recognize these moments as problems when they happen.
For example, if MIL says something that hurts me or crosses a boundary, DH often says:
“I didn’t hear that.”
“I didn’t see it that way.”
“I thought that was normal.”
“They didn’t mean it like that.”

I understand he grew up with this family dynamic, so maybe things do not stand out to him the same way. But what hurts is feeling like I have to explain why something hurt me before it becomes valid.
I do not need him to automatically assume MIL has bad intentions. I need him to be able to say:
“I didn’t experience it that way, but I understand why my wife felt uncomfortable.”

Recently, we started couples counselling because our communication has become very difficult. Our therapist pointed out that DH has a people-pleasing pattern and struggles with boundaries.

DH told our therapist that he wants to communicate boundaries with MIL around things like:
privacy,
questioning,
involvement in our marriage,
healthier communication.

At first, he considered writing her a message, but now he wants to do it in person because he feels it would be more genuine.

The reason I am struggling is because I am scared he is only doing this because he feels overwhelmed by our conversations and wants the conflict to stop, not because he fully understands the issue.
I worry he will have the conversation, come home, and say:
“I handled it. I talked to MIL. Can we move on now?”
But for me, this is not about one conversation. It is about what happens afterward.

I need to see:
MIL asking before coming over.
Plans involving us being discussed with both of us.
DH protecting our privacy as a couple.
DH not allowing guilt or disappointment from MIL to override our boundaries.
DH standing beside me if MIL reacts negatively.
Consistent actions, not just words.
I don’t even really want an apology from MIL anymore. I mostly want changed behavior.

The biggest issue I have with DH is that I often do not feel chosen or protected as his wife. He says he prioritizes me because he works, pays the bills, spends time with me, and takes care of us, and I do appreciate those things.
But what I mean by prioritization is:
standing beside me when boundaries are crossed,
making decisions with me,
protecting our marriage,
being willing to disappoint others when necessary.

DH says he feels overwhelmed because we have had many conversations about these issues. I understand that. I do not want him to feel attacked.
But from my perspective, I have been bringing them up because I feel alone and unheard. When I come to him vulnerable, he often becomes silent, shuts down, or focuses on feeling overwhelmed, and then I feel like my original concern disappears.

There have also been moments when he gets overwhelmed where he raises his voice, hits the steering wheel while driving, or hits objects. He knows I grew up around physical abuse and that these things are triggering for me. I do not believe he intends to hurt me, but I have asked him to handle anger differently.

I am also pregnant right now, which makes everything feel more urgent. I am scared about postpartum and worried about people overstepping with the baby while I am vulnerable and recovering. Also did I mention she touched my belly without consent last time I saw her? Soooo uncomfortable! I was shocked.

I do not want to spend postpartum fighting for boundaries. I want to trust that DH will stand beside me.
So my question is:

Am I expecting too much? Is it unreasonable to want my husband and I to become the primary family unit after marriage?

Or is it reasonable to expect extended family to adjust and respect boundaries?

Has anyone dealt with a spouse who is very close with their family and struggles with setting boundaries? How did you know whether they were truly changing versus just trying to end conflict?

I had made a post about this previously with some other details and context. Here’s the link for that: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/EByCGpcCnR

EDIT

For all the comments suggesting I move, I can’t.
I am pregnant, unemployed, I left everything I knew behind in Toronto.
Can’t even move back to my mom’s. Dad is abusive, controlling.
Going to college 11 days postpartum so i can finally be independent even if that’s what it takes. I couldn’t finish my education before as it was pushed back due to my own health issues at the time (cancer survivor).
I have no support system here. No one that I know. No friends. Nothing.
As for childcare during college: DH taking 6 months off to be with baby while I study. My college is 10 mins away. After 6 months baby will be in daycare at the college with me. I plan on breastfeeding and pumping during breaks. College is looking into accommodations currently. Will update when college has something for me.

This is why I want things settled now before LO is here because LO will be alone with DH while I’m in class and I need boundaries with MIL set so I can feel at peace during class without worrying if MIL showed up unannounced or he took the baby to her etc.
we do have ring cameras. So I plan on keeping those and checking them during school hours.

My inlaws have always been overbearing but thankfully we lived a few hours away so we only ever saw them in short doses. Since I've had my first child things have escalated. I was in labor for several days and the experience was traumatic. As soon as they found out the baby was here they said they had already booked a hotel and would be coming to see us in the hospital that day. In the hospital MIL declared that my baby needed something. When I said he was fine (we were following what the nurses advised) she accused me of putting my needs ahead of my child's. When we told them we wanted to spend my husband's short paternity leave as a family of 3 they refused to listen and repeatedly told (not asked) us they were coming to visit. On two occasions they came despite having a cold.

When my baby was a few months old we moved 30 minutes away from them. As expected, things have only gotten worse. They complained that our new house wasn't clean enough and they "couldn't believe" we would let a child live there. There is constant unsolicited advice and no matter how politely I try to explain that health advice has changed, that we've decided to do things differently, etc I am accused of being rude and shutting my MIL down. She's claimed I've said she doesn't know what she's talking about and she's wrong about everything, which has never happened. They regularly turn up to events in our town that we had planned to attend as a nuclear family. We've even run into them when out shopping despite the fact that they don't live nearby and never spent time in the area before we moved here.

At one point they came to our house uninvited. When we said it wasn't a good time because we were trying to get the baby to bed they said they were "disgusted" with us. Since then they repeatedly ask to take our baby alone for the entire day. We allowed it once, but they tried to get him in the car without even saying hello to us. When we stopped them and told him about his nap and feeding schedule they instantly pushed back. When they brought him home they proudly said he'd been up for 8 hours and hadn't needed to sleep.

At a recent family event MIL took our son out of my husband's arms twice without asking and walked off with him. She thought it was her place to introduce our child to close family members and loudly told us we "weren't allowed" to do certain things with our baby.

We've obviously started to pull back from them and limit access to our son but this has just caused them to decide I am the problem. They've accused me of not allowing my husband to spend time with them. If he sees them without me, even for a quick 5 min visit to drop something off, they say I don't like them because I didn't come along. They've started nitpicking everything I do, and after every visit they have a complaint about how I've offended them. For example, my mother visited and I teased her about something that is an inside joke between us. They said it was a dig directed at them. When my husband asked how they came to that conclusion they said I "looked in their direction and smiled". They've even complained that it's insensitive to them that my parents, who live overseas and have only visited once, got to stay with us for a few days.

This has culminated in my MIL having a massive rant about me to my husband a few weeks ago. She said a lot of hurtful and untrue things about me, even accusing me of not treating my own parents well (their response is that she needs to mind her own business). When my husband made it clear we are a united front she stormed off and continued her ranting to an empty room. She also said that he should not need boundaries with his family.

After all this they are still asking to come and see my child. I'm baffled. They really seem to think they are entitled to access to him, or that they can have a relationship with a baby that doesn't involve its parents. I don't really know what I hope to get from this post. I'm just exhausted from dealing with this and am angry that this is taking time and energy away from my son.

So I (24F) have been with my boyfriend (29M) for about a year and a half now. We've been doing amazing - going on dates, sharing a dorm room, meeting each other's friends, and even got a flat near his new uni (he needs to do a specific bachelor course to take over a family business) that we'll be moving into really soon. My parents get along amicably with him, my dad sometimes jokingly referring to him as one of his kids.

On the other hand, mine and my future in-law's relationship is very rocky. It seemed good at first, before we met and just occasionally greeted each other on phone. They're, to say it frankly, snobbish, so my "Merida from Brave" personality doesn't really fit their script. They tried to do a whole "adoption" of me, buying me fancy clothing, taking me out to expensive places and vacation, but ever since I vocally refused a hug from my MIL after having a stressful day with them, they've become convinced I am a bad influence.

My boyfriend is an only child, and before he got into a relationship with me, he, in his own words, "didn't really want anything for himself". Now that he has a girlfriend, suddenly he wants time off work and away from home and even worse, has his own opinions and wishes.

For the past half year, but especially the last month, I've been hearing that I am a horrible person with evil inside, I am a psychopath and should get help, I manipulate people, am immature and misbehaved, he should find someone else and dump me etc. They talk about these things basically non-stop, and worst of all, they don't say any of it to my face, only my boyfriend. If they just brought it up, I could fight for myself. Just yesterday, they've apparently once again started the "children talk" (neither of us want any) and they are convinced I have manipulated him into his feelings.

Tl;dr - only child bf suddenly has an opinion and thus I am the source of all evil in this world

I know I'm not the best, but their words do sting a lot. I think I just need to hear from some people dealing with similar stuff and that I'm not the "worst person ever" they make me out to be.

P.S. I'll be showing my bf this post and comments later

I think she always has. I'm not allowed an opinion, especially on politics as I'm the polar opposite of hers.

She lives nearly four hours drive away. I always go with my partner to support him and keep him company on the drive.

Currently we are visiting every three weeks as she is very elderly and housebound (won't go into a care home, despite having money in the bank). Sometimes just for the day, sometimes we book into a hotel. (She offers to pay for the hotel, but never does).

When my Dad was dying of cancer, I went to visit on my own. The same with my Mum when she was living on her own.

I might just suggest that he goes on his own next visit. I don't need to be putting up with being told my hair is too short and we shouldn't be going on holiday when she needs help.

We've had peace from JNMIL since our son's wedding 6 weeks ago. We had been NC for several months but decided to be gracious in person toward her at our sons wedding for his sake. DH and I went back to NC after the wedding and she didn't send any more messages. (Please read past posts for context.) So it was a bit baffling to both of us when DH received the following email from her tonight. I'd like any insight others might have.

She wrote:

Subject: Second chance - that I blew so hugely awfully

I was so nervous and apprehensive about seeing you and OP again. I had no idea what to expect. Whether you would even speak to me. And then I got such a wonderful welcome from both of you. I was overwhelmed. I knew I would only know your family. With that welcome somehow my mouth started moving and I couldn't stop it and I said awful, upsetting things and I didn't know what to do. I couldn't seem to find correct kind words.

I'm so sorry. I don't seem to know how to communicate any more. if I ever did. I was so ashamed of myself that I went and sat down and eventually I just went back to my motel.

I really am asking for another chance.

I remember reading some years ago about communicating feelings. It was in an article but I have not been able to find it. But it went something like this:

" When you said _______________ It made me feel like _______________.

Is that what you meant?

Or did I misunderstand?"

I really would like the opportunity to speak with you and OP.

I really would like to opportunity to talk with you OP ...woman to woman, mother to mother, but especially Christian woman to Christian woman. Maybe one day we can make peace as God wants us to.

PS I am sending some you a gift but I thought you may have moved after your son got married so I will send them to your other son and ask him to give them to you.

I love you both very much

Mom

We have been at my in-laws visiting for the last week because she was going in for medical testing yesterday (all fine).

Before we came I met with my neurooncologist after having an MRI. I am a 10 year brain cancer survivor. She looked at the scans and was awaiting the radiologists report. Long story short, there's a possibility that there may be a recurrence. The radiologist report confirmed that yesterday. I need to go in for a more specialized MRI. I hadn't planned on saying anything to anyone other than my husband until knowing more from my specialist. The only thing I said to them was I will see her at my next appointment. Needless to say my anxiety (which I have and am being treated for) is off the charts.

Today my MIL and FIL start getting into an argument over something trivial. My husband tells her to please stop yelling she is making me nervous. They don't stop. I ask when we are leaving. They keep going. I finally go over to her and say, you need to stop. I can't handle the screaming and yelling. I am a nervous wreck right now, I just got my MRI results and there's a possibility my cancer may be back. She finally shuts up and says I didn't know. I told her we hadn't planned on saying anything at all.

My husband told me to stop pointing at her (I hadn't realized I was doing it) because she was a senior citizen and had flinched away from me(makes me wonder if FIL is abusive towards her). I told him not to make this about her. He told me can't you see she's afraid? My reply was you think that she's afraid? Let's talk about how afraid I am right now.

Not my finest moment. I have an appointment with my therapist next Monday and plan on talking to her about this.

Hello,

I recently had a baby shower/gender reveal for my second child.

My mother in law took the lead to insert her self with the planning, invited extra people that were supposed to help, and a lot of their stuff. I told her I could take care of the invitation she instead takes it upon herself to delegate that tasks to my husband aunt. I didn’t like the design but she insisted that it would be hurtful if I said that I didn’t like it.

She promised she would help me early at the venue by setting up the treat cart and extra decorations.. she as no where to be found along with the people she said would help. They all arrived super late and started setting up gift bags in the corner that I (NEVER asked her to contribute) as opposed to helping serve food and with the event. She brought all these things to give away to guests including a mini fan, pins, and other items in gift bags which were not needed.

I was basically left on my own to tell guess what to do next and what was going to be the next thing we were doing while she took the people that were helping to set up bags that no one asked for. She told me she had extra people to help host and help me with this event which sidelined my own family members that could have done this.

After the event was done, she called me and told me for my guess that could have brought more gifts since they were given free drinks, food, and etc. For reference, I did receive essential gift there and some sent to my home. This was not about gifts but to celebrate our new baby that’s coming soon - I was grateful for what we anyone wanted to give us. She said this while she showed up with a bunch of gifts cards as prizes for the games and no gift for her grandchild. The rant included telling me that we spent so much money on the event and didn’t receive a lot of gifts. This was harmful and started to mess with me mentally.

After this I blocked her and decided I was done trying to have a relationship with her which is now spreading over into my marriage causing tension between me and my husband.

Am I overreacting?

According to her, my healthy 2 month old baby isn’t getting the right nutrition from me. I know back in the day babies got fed knockout bottles with cereal, Tylenol, milk, baby food, oatmeal, whatever they felt like putting in it. She never just shuts up about me breastfeeding and constantly saying I should be doing rice cereal with breastmilk in a bottle instead of nursing. She says my baby’s doctor (who’s very old) is totally wrong and he needs to go back to school. Anytime my baby fusses she says it’s bc I’m not doing cereal in the milk. She’s analyzing her poop saying it’s too runny it should be solid. She’s telling me my baby doesn’t need reflux meds and she’s over eating by nursing every 1.5-2 hours. I’m literally almost yanking the crying baby out of her arms. Like what the hell is wrong with her?? Not to mention I heard her telling people that my baby does nothing but cry.

My mil insists that I should not be given MY baby back when he’s crying bc he “needs to learn how to be comforted by other people” aka her. He is 4 months!!!!! He needs his mama! (Yes, I walked right up and rightfully grabbed my boy back.)

My MIL has a standing weekly visit to see our kids on Fridays. We gave up over a year ago on her being consistent enough for us to be able to plan to get anything done when she is here because we never know if she is actually going to come over or for how long. We recently had our second baby and since then she has been even more inconsistent. When she does come over she is usually late and makes a point to either shove in our face she is late because she was with her other son (who mind you lives next door to her and she sees almost every day and he does not have any children) or she doesn't even bother to come up with an excuse. The last two weeks she has cancelled on us and then for this week she had the audacity to ask if I would switch my dad's typical visit day with hers because it worked better for her. I told her we wouldn't be doing that because it is really unfair to my dad who has been consistent with his visits and he also helps my brother on Fridays so he wouldn't be able to switch. Did I mention she does not work and has 0 responsibilities? Now I personally am like great I hope you can never come over again I don't particularly enjoy your company, but it really hurts my husband and it sucks to know she doesn't care about seeing my kids. It's also sad because one of my BIL has a child who he sees weekly through DCF and his mommy needs to drive him because he doesn't have a license...do you think she has ever missed one of those visits? Nope. I'm sick of these tactics she uses to make my husband feel like shit and I'm sick of her using my kids as pawns for her mind games. Really just needed to vent about this because until my husband feels the time is right we can't go no contact. We decided today we are done trying to accommodate her coming over, I just wish we didn't care. Why do I care? I really shouldn't!!!

Lets start at the beginning. My wife (38F) and I (29F) have been in a relationship since July of 2019. She was going through a divorce from her ex wife at the time and her mom didn't approve of us being together so soon.. The day i met her she basically ignored me while doing dishes and cleaning up the apartment she was walking into. And i got a very unfriendly hi. I just thought you know she didn't like me yet because of the divorce things. Then it started to get worse, she'd make comment to my wife on the phone asking if i had a job or if i was contributing to the household. At the time I lived with my wife and her sister i moved in a little over a month after we got together i know kind of fast. however i had a job before i moved to that city and into that apartment. Her sister on the other hand had a good job at the beginning then quit that job and bounced from job to job never really staying long enough to get a decent check to pay her part of rent or groceries. My wife and I did all of it. Then the pandemic happened and i was laid off and so was her sister for that job she had at the time. My wife was still working and was able to help with that as many people did i got unemployment her sister however refused to do that or anything to help out. But 'I'm the one that has a problem' according to her mother. And i have always been the 'friend' we got married last august so almost a year ago writing this and i am waiting for the opportunity to meet a new person and have her introduce me as my wife's friend just for the moment i can correct her and say no I'm not a friend I'm the WIFE! But my wife has a son who lives with my MIL and that's because my wife needed help when he was 2 and now MIL makes it seem as if we are unfit to do anything for him. We ask to have him here and its 'He's busy we have plans' then we talk to him after the time has passed and he wasn't busy at all. he's 14 now and can see things himself and my MIL will always talk down about us to him to make it seem like we are unfit. such as if he lived with us he wouldn't have guitar lessons, baseball, or football anything he currently has because we "cant afford it" and when my wife brought it up a couple years ago to have him back MIL said she would plant drugs in her, and make her seem so unfit to lose all rights. so we haven't tried to do that because if we do we may lose the chance to see him more than we are already limited too. We have to keep it civil and its really hard lately, We went to a ballgame out of state and my wife's son came over to our hotel and asked me if i had graduated high school which was random but i was like yeah why he said " MIL doesn't think you did because you act dumb and lazy." And i was just flabbergasted i didn't know what to say to him about it i just kind of held it in. But then in person she acts all nice and asks my favorite color because she's beginning Christmas shopping. It has been so many years of these comments and i cant say anything in fear of losing the chance to have my wife's son in our lives. I have a date on the calendar of the day i tell MIL to shove her opinions up her ass but until then i have to hold my tongue play the naive person in the background. But i will be taking notes and keeping them for that day. MIL is just a horribly sad person who has nothing nice to say about anyone. my SIL got pregnant and is not with the dad and my MIL told her to have not have the baby because she doesn't need another child to raise. My BIL and his wife have an almost 3 year old and he didn't talk for awhile only did sign language but they want to get him tested for autism which is a normal response to this behavior and MIL said he's not autistic you just didn't teach him right. and i just want to resort to violence sometimes. when it came to the wedding she initially said 'I wont be there' Okay that's your choice. Then she decided to come and we told my mom, dad, and stepmom that if they hear her say anything negative to tell her something. make her uncomfortable to say anything about me or my wife in the presence of my family cause they have heard a lot of her shit over the last 7 years and would have gladly put her in her place and i was really hoping she would have said something just for that to happen however she was on her best behavior at the wedding. And it was a beautiful and fun day! I wasn't going to let her ruin our day for her miserable self. She's made comments about my wife and that list of horrible things is just too much for this post in itself. I am sorry for this long rant i haven't let it out in 7 years and found this subreddit and it called to me.

Hello, I’m sure this situation is a bit unusual, so we have come to Reddit to ask for help. Both me, the son (28M) and my girlfriend, AP (27F) are writing this, but we will write from my (28M) perspective for clarity. We have been together for 5 years. (photos linked at bottom of post)

Back in November of 2025, my parents and I got into a huge fight over having my girlfriend’s sister and their kids stop by for Thanksgiving, hosted at my parents house. On a phone call, it came out that both of my parents did not like my girlfriend, AP, and had a problem with her family stopping by for an hour. My Mom had always been more supportive of her, but only met her family once during the 4th year of our relationship. My dad has never met her family. It has been important to me to have our families merge over time. Now, my parents don’t approve of AP at all, and actively dislike her.

My parents and I had multiple phone calls and much back and forth. I asked why they weren’t more welcoming, especially on Thanksgiving, a day for giving thanks and family to gather. Part of their reasoning was that they felt inconvenienced because they didn’t know if they should make more food and didn’t want to be awkwardly interrupted while they were eating. Eventually, they agreed to letting her sister come, but I told them that we were no longer coming over because I felt offended and not welcome. 

It was my decision, but my parents like to believe that my partner pressured me into it. Anyway, this all led up to my mom texting my girlfriend some really hurtful messages. Including a message saying, “I thought of you as a future daughter – not as someone who would separate me from my son.” The fallout led to such a rift between me and my parents that our relationship was extremely damaged. I’ve always had some issues with my parents but with this fight, everything came to a head. Now, I’m trying to work through all of this in therapy with my mom, to try to rebuild our relationship, as I have love and care for her and my dad. In therapy, we went over this situation and she read the messages from her phone. 

I didn’t recognize the initial message she said was from AP. I saw all the messages from AP’s phone during the time. I asked my mom to send me a screenshot of her messages with AP. When she sent them, I was confused because my girlfriend’s phone didn’t have that initial message, and looking more closely, the text didn’t look right. I believe that my mom fabricated the initial message that she claims was sent by AP. I’m not sure why she would’ve done that, maybe to try to put a wedge between me and my partner? 

Either way, I’m asking for help in identifying that this message is fake. My mom is experienced with Photoshop and very good at it. For context, I put screenshots of the conversation with me and mom. Her replies already looked really suspicious and she kept unsending the screenshots. I put the original screenshots from my mom’s phone with AP. I then put two detailed breakdowns of why I think this message is fake. The first one also shows a “sample message” that I had her send me of another conversation from android to iPhone for comparison. She told me that her phone was glitching and she needed to send the screenshot to her email and then to my phone which is why it might “look weird.” She then deleted her messages with my girlfriend because she “didn’t want to look at them anymore.” I think she edited her message about Thanksgiving, colored it grey, and tried to pass it off as a message sent by AP. I’ve had three sessions in therapy talking about these messages, and my mom continues to claim that this message is not edited. Do you think this message is fake? Why or why not? Thank you for your help in advance!

Photos of screenshots: https://imgur.com/a/jT5rOEQ 

TDLR; I think my mom faked a text message from my girlfriend, AP. What do you think of these messages?

Massive brain dump here sorry. Hopefully it makes sense.

For context, we lived with my mother in law for 10 months and recently moved into our own place just five minutes down the road. I just had my first baby a couple months ago shortly after we moved out.

While we were living with her, my mother in law complained to my husband frequently that I hate her and that I don’t put enough effort into our relationship. She has put minimal effort into our relationship in some ways. She will text me occasionally and will get snacks for me but that’s about it. She doesn’t smile, reach out, or schedule time to do things with me. To be fair she is chronically ill but gets around and does visit with other people. 

When we first met, she asked my husband to tell me to call her “Mom” but I couldn’t do it because she’s not my mom and it’s not the way I was raised. It felt disrespectful to my mom to give anyone else (not my mil specifically) that title. She made a big deal out of it and gave my husband an earful when I didn’t. While we were living with her she also created a scene at church where she was giving me the cold shoulder the whole time and stormed out of the chapel. Then she got mad at me for not sitting by her during women’s group afterwards (I showed up late and there was a woman with a walker blocking the isle to get to her so I sat in the back) and my husband got an earful about it. She had been glaring at me and giving me the cold shoulder for several weeks before that so I didn’t feel like she wanted me around. After that, everything culminated a few days later in her screaming at my husband for forty minutes about how I don’t smile at her enough and I need to put more effort into our relationship. She was screaming so loud I could hear her in a room with a closed door on the other side of the house.

So we moved out and I had my first child a few weeks later.

When I enforced my postpartum boundary of no visitors for a week she not only contacted my mom about it, she contacted my husband’s grandma who messaged my husband an aggressive text asking what was wrong with him. My husband felt so much pressure from the situation that he snapped at me and told me to stop playing games and to go to therapy. I was four days postpartum. The only game I have played from my perspective is enforcing my postpartum boundaries that applied to everyone. I haven’t interacted with his mom much either for reasons.

She also has compared me to my husband’s ex girlfriend and to her ex husband (she said my husband looked tired and implied that he was going to get sick just like her because I’m not doing enough around the house just like her ex husband).

She also has kissed my baby when that was clearly expressed in my boundary text I sent out to the whole family and on two separate occasions to her directly. 

Whenever we visit, she contradicts every observation or comment I say regarding my daughter. For example, I said she was getting longer last time we visited and her response was that her back muscles are just stronger. 

She also doesn’t listen to me when I give her instructions to care for my daughter and waits to give her back to me when I ask for her. She doesn’t even look at me. For example, my daughter has reflux. When we visited last, she was had some bubbles while my mother in law was holding her. Mil lays her flat on her back thinking she needed to poop. I said “Hey, I think it’s reflux. If you sit her up it usually helps.” She completely ignored me and left my daughter screaming on the couch for another minute until my she was red in the face with tears in her eyes. I told her again very nicely that she needs to be sat up and I was ignored again so I had to take my daughter from her and sit her up. My daughter calmed almost immediately after that. I gave her back to my mother in law. 

About 5 minutes later, my mother in law mutters under her breath to my baby “Momma’s got a lot to learn” just loud enough for me to hear... :)

She also repeatedly asks for photos just as we are literally stepping out the door or right after my daughter has a blow out and she’s on the changing mat. She just all of a sudden needs a photo of her in the outfit that’s now covered in poop or just as we’re leaving. It has happened at literally every visit. 

 This also happened and caused a ton of stress in my relationship with my husband post partum. Here is what I wrote to a friend of mine a few weeks ago regarding the situation: My mother in law is giving me some trouble about my boundaries. How can I ensure my boundaries are followed? Here is the message I sent my In-Laws detailing boundaries regarding visiting our new baby: Hey family! May 28th is just around the corner and baby could come any day now!! 🎉

That said, we wanted to share a bit of our postpartum plan so we’re all on the same page when she arrives :)

-If you happen to be in town when we deliver, you’re more than welcome to visit her at the hospital after we’ve had a chance to get cleaned up and settled (we’ll let you know when we’re ready). I’m not getting induced unless it becomes medically necessary so we can’t give an exact date, but we’ll keep everyone posted -After we bring baby home, we’ve decided to have a week with no visitors so we can heal, adjust, and get breastfeeding established -After that, you’re welcome to stop by! Just let us know beforehand so we can make sure we’re ready :) -When it comes to visiting, please don’t come if you’re feeling sick (even a just little bit), and please no kissing the baby. Newborn immune systems are very fragile so lots of illnesses that are mild for adults can be very serious for them. Our doctor recommended these precautions for the first few months so we’re doing our best to follow that guidance. Thanks for understanding!

Anyways, hope that clarifies some things. Let me know if you have any questions!

So excited for everyone to meet our little girl! 🙌

She is giving us push back about the no visits for one week rule. She was out of town when baby arrived and said she would “drive back to see her” and she better not come while she was gone. Obviously that didn’t happen as I have no control over that. She wasn’t here to see baby in the hospital. The second she got back (4 days after baby arrived) she messaged my husband asking “When is A’s (me) mom coming?” My husband read the question behind the question and said she could visit on Sunday (one week after she was born). Now she’s fighting him asking to come earlier. I know if we wait until Sunday for a visit she will be mad at me specifically for not letting a close family member visit. Are my expectations unreasonable? And is it unfair that those who were in town (sister in law and father in law who don’t live with her) got to see the baby already in the hospital?

After we enforced this boundary, she messaged my mom who was taking care of me and messaged my husband’s grandmother about how rejected he felt. My husband’s grandmother messaged my husband saying he was being a jerk. All this pressure led to my husband yelling at me when I was four days postpartum. 

And what do y’all make of this conversation? I’m a bit hurt by what my mom said about me to enforce the boundary and hurt by how my mil made it all about her. 

Here is the entire text conversation my mother in law had with my mom while my mom was helping take care of me after I gave birth regarding the no visitors for a week postpartum boundary: 

Mother in law: 

Hello!

Congratulations on your first grand baby!  🩷🩷🩷

When are you planning on coming to Colorado?  A said you would be here for a while. 

I know almost nothing and it's killing me I'm not allowed to see her yet. 💔

Mom: 

Thanks for reaching out. Baby is lethargic and doesn't want to eat. She has a mild case of jaundice. It has been tough. A is overly stressed. Both need quiet and peace so they can develop a bond and a routine. 

B is calm and level headed. He is helping a lot in many ways. 

I am the night shift so that B can sleep. He is the day shift. A is exhausted. 

I think in another week of routine, baby and Mom will be doing better. 

A takes everything people say about her literally.  She is ultra sensitive about criticism. Criticism makes her feel bad about herself. 

Right now she is vulnerable. She knows nothing about being a Mom and it has been difficult. She needs unconditional love and support. 

Right now she's not doing everything perfectly as a Mom but she is trying her hardest. She will figure it out and as she does she will gain more confidence. 

What can you do? Pray for them. Send encouragement to both A and B via text. Be patient. A does not hate you. She wants you to be a part of the family. She just needs space until she has a handle on things. 

Mother in law: 

Thank you for responding and giving me an idea of what is going on.

But just wow. There is a lot to unpack here. It's hard not to get defensive. My momma heart is hurting, but I'll just say this.  

I have opened my home and my heart to A and offered her nothing but unconditional love. I have always considered her one of mine! She is part of my family. I am not loud nor 

unpeaceful and feel like I have a lot of love and support that I have offered her. I don't know anything about her hating me and don't know why that is even a thing. I do pray for them everyday, just as I'm sure you do. 

And if baby is lethargic she needs to be seen by a professional and or a lactation coach. Jaundice is common here with the altitude. Also, I've heard there are a couple good postpartum therapists in town should she want to go that route in the future. 

Hopefully I will get to visit with you while you are here this time.  I didn't hardly see you last month. I hope you enjoyed the vegetables and hummus I sent home for your trip back. Do you know how long you are staying? 

Mom:

They have seen the doctor everyday and will continue to. Today the doctor said baby is right on track with weight gain and that the jaundice is at a mild level and to keep tabs on it; she has level 16 right now. If the jaundice rises to level 21 then she will need light therapy. A is also getting lactation advice. She and the baby are figuring 

things out. If a therapist is needed, they will look into it. Thank you for your concern and prayers. 👍

My mom continues to send updates everyday and gets no response. My mother in law never messaged my husband or I and never asked how we were doing. 

Mom:

It was fun visiting with you. I don't know if you noticed but last night was the worst one yet and all three of us got very little sleep. Baby cried most of the night. Your visit was warm and cheerful. It was nice to have a diversion and talk about life. 

After you left, we ate lunch and had a family counsel. B and A were able to work out what to do with the nightly routine. They decided to simplify. I think they have a good plan. 

We also talked about the Baby Blues and how to combat it. They agreed to

1. get more rest 
2. eat regular meals 
3. take a walk in the sun everyday 
4. ask for help when they need it. 

A said in a couple of weeks when her freezer meals run low she would appreciate your help with meals. She said you are one of the few people she trusts to make meals which don't make her sick. You have been very conscientious about cross contamination. 

Thanks again for a nice visit!😊

Mother in law:

It was good to visit with you too.  I'm happy to help.  I could not tell it was a hard night as I have nothing to compare it to but I thought they looked like typical tired first time parents.  Lol. If you feel like there is something extra I can do let me know anytime.  They don't have to do this alone :)

She never made us a freezer meal, never sent a text of encouragement. She has just continued to pressure us about not seeing the baby enough. She sees her once every week or every other week for several hours. Every time we visit she makes a point of mentioning how long it’s been .

I just don’t know what to make of this whole situation. I feel like we need better boundaries with my mother in law because she makes me feel awful and I don’t really want her in my daughter’s life when she undermines me constantly. Thoughts?

Hi everyone, my boyfriend (30M) and I (30F) just recently broke up about two weeks ago. He broke up with me and we were together for 1.5 years. I moved in 3 months ago. We spent two weeks in Europe, both weeks were supposed to be just us but he insisted his mom comes on the second half. It was a nightmare. I have never seen the type of interactions I have seen. I truly felt like I was the third wheel. It made me anxious and upset the entire time, it ruined the trip for me. Some examples of weird things I noticed are below.

Story 1: we were on a boat and he was putting sunscreen on her back. He offered to put it on her “booty” and she said no (probably because I was right there). He then told her about this interaction behind my back.

Story 2: she needed help unzipping her dress in her hotel room. It was me her and him. I unzipped it half way and he stood in front of her and went to pull off the front of her dress? She kind of backed away.. again I feel like because I was there. It was so so weird.

Story 3: we were sitting at breakfast us 3. He was rubbing up her spine and to her neck like he does with me. He then tucked her hair behind her ear. She was smiling ear to ear.

Story 4 (the scariest one): we were saying bye to her after dinner. They were hugging and her arms were around his neck and shoulders. She was staring up at him smiling the hardest I’ve ever seen. She had a twinkle in her eye. They were so close I thought they were about to kiss. I was standing there in shock.

I’ve had a problem with their relationship for a very long time now. He told her everything and I mean EVERYTHING between us. They text 24/7. Talk on the phone multiple times a day. She doesn’t live close but if she did that wouldn’t been a nightmare for me. He runs everything by her. He asked her if I should be his girlfriend, if we should go on trips together, if I should move in, what he should get me for my birthday, etc. It was a huge trust and boundary problem. He broke up with me right after Europe 2 weeks ago. I was completely blindsided. He told me it was because of “family dynamics” and that they wouldn’t ever align. I left 2 days early from the trip due to having to go back to work. This was planned. While i was gone, it was just them two. I was fully convinced him and his mom came to an agreement to end it. He told me multiple times it was “his decision.” Fast forward to today, his laptop is left open and he’s gone. I decide to go through it and find out that he’s making me sound like a basket case, calling me crazy, his family calling me crazy, etc. his sister is in this group chat and was also adding to it. The whole breakup I found out was orchestrated by both the mom and the sister. They figured out exactly how to do it. I also found out the mom hated me for no reason at all other than the fact that her angel son was telling her everything I was saying (which was I was uncomfortable with him telling her everything). I told him no one is ever going to put up with their relationship. She will do anything in her power to break up whoever he is with because they are an automatic threat to her, as i was.

My question for those in this type of relationship: does it get worse with time? I am heartbroken but feel like I dodged a bullet knowing how badly enmeshed he is with his mom (and sister tbh). I was worried about marriage with him as this was my biggest issue…