Hi all -

Struggling tonight. My husband quit drinking about a year ago after I gave him an ultimatum. I actually started being concerned about his drinking in 2024 but he wouldn’t quit until I told him he would have to move out if he didn’t. I urged him to get a support system, but he refused. He said he needed MY support in order to be successful, which is partially true but I cannot be the ONLY support system. He has been sober, but has not really “done the work”.
Fast forward to now, we have an eight week old baby. I have grown increasingly frustrated about how he is not working and has not contributed in any meaningful way to LIFE. He barely leaves the house and I honestly feel suffocated. The other night, I asked him if he may be suffering from depression. He said since he quit drinking, he no longer feels motivated to do anything. That was really scary and quite an eye-opener. I urged him to go and talk to someone/find an outside support system. He said he would “think about it”. I’m finally realizing that I cannot give him another year. We’ve been together for over 10 years. I cannot control him, I can only control what I will accept 🙏 I’m no longer afraid of losing the house or his reaction, but I am terrified of being here in another six months…year…five years. It’s my life too.

God grant me the courage to send it and stick to my boundaries……….

Most importantly I want to tell you that I love you with all my heart. I have from the moment we met. I never felt anything like the love that struck me the second we locked eyes for the first time. It was you and that was that. I knew it when we saw each other again. That was that. That was love. Indescribable really, but truer than anything I’ve ever felt - and that has never changed. Places have changed. Situations have changed. We have been blessed with so much. A beautiful life. The most incredible children. I am grateful to you. For your love and support always - even at our worst.

For a long time I believed your drinking was all my fault. I was too boring, or not ambitious enough, not organized, awful in the kitchen and forgetful. Too fat, not sexy anymore. Whatever I could pin on myself I did, and I hated the person I became. Anxious, silent, cold, resentful, watching my every step and yours and unable to help or provide loving support in any meaningful way. I’m sorry. I have learned that my self confidence throughout most of my life has been based on what others think of me and because I felt I couldn’t do things right by you, I hated myself and it showed up in ways that I’m not proud of for a very long time. I’m sorry for treating you that way.

I don’t want to be without you and I’m fearful of a future without you by my side as my husband and best friend. But I’m coming to terms with a knowing that if nothing changes, it is very possible - probable- that your disease will kill you. Your kids will have no father. Your son will lose his best friend and hero.

I know that I have no right to manage your sobriety and your choices. I am only responsible for myself. It took me a very long time to understand this and what it actually entails. I am still a work in progress but I do have a clearer understanding of my values and my need for a life where those values are upheld. A life where honesty, emotional safety and integrity are not partially upheld but are at the forefront of every decision I make. I have not done a great job of upholding these values in the past but again I am a work in progress. I ask you now to please give me the dignity to stand by my values. If you drink or bring drugs in our house again I will leave with our children immediately. This is a boundary I am creating for myself because I am worthy of an honest, peaceful life. Our kids deserve safety. You deserve the dignity of making your own choices without me judging or trying to change outcomes. I love you.

I’ve communicated to my husband that I don’t enjoy having sex with him after he’s been drinking. I’ve said it in many different ways over the last 2 years or so but I don’t feel heard. I said it again yesterday and honestly don’t think he had anything to drink yesterday. However, he had to work this morning and there are now 3 beers gone from the fridge that were there when I went to bed last night. Maybe beer for at work or the drive home… who knows.

I have so many ill feelings about when our now teenage daughter was a baby/toddler and I trusted her in his care while I was at work. It breaks my heart thinking about her just sitting there or playing mostly alone, when he could have been interacting with her more. “Did he drink before picking her up from school?” Still go through my head and will probably continue until she starts driving herself.

He’s never been abusive, or mean, or anything. But he isn’t himself when he’s drinking. I can just sense it by the way he talks, his sentences trail off, the look in his eyes, etc. He is very much functioning but I still hate it.

Over the years, the lies about drinking were a bit factor, and the smell, the sloppiness, have all become a wall to intimacy between us. I really WANT to be intimate, to feel the physical connection again, but it’s become such a block that I can’t seem to get over.

I realize that ultimatums are not a healthy way to support an alcoholic or the spouse of an alcoholic. But is it an ultimatum to have a personal boundary that I cannot have sex with him unless he’s sober? I’m not sure how to even approach this. He doesn’t hear me when I say it and I feel that if I truly put my foot down, he will just lie about being sober.

Any advice or just support would be so appreciated.

For 40 years ive watch my dad drink. He lost his wife 3 years ago due to alcoholism. I held my step moms hand why she took her last breath. Now he is entering the last stages and my heart just breaks. For context my dad raised 2 children in a generation where single fathers weren't recognized. Hes always even now the most generous and kindest person ive ever known. Hes an amazing grandfather who my adult and teen children are very close too.

Unfortunately he let the alcohol win. I cant wrap my head around it, I cant accept losing him. I am lost. I know the pain hes about to go though I know the end results. Im broken

(Please excuse my errors im in a highly emotional state)

My husband has been sober over 60 days and it has been different to say the least. He is nicer, at times. Other times he is still part of "dry drunk". Kinda mean or overly negative. He reminds me he is still working through alot. I get it. I feel angry though because I have been working on so much, for so long. I feel almost this sense of jealousy that he has the space to work on himself and I feel frustrated because I am still dealing with the trauma before he got sober. Today he told me he doesn't have time to just sit for a while when. I told him he could contact the city about grass not being cut. I work more hours than him but he is in IOP and going to AA and meeting with a sponsor. I get it but the tone like I just having this personal relaxing free time made me so angry.

I am really proud and happy for his soberity. I just feel I have all this unresolved anger and hurt.

I apologize in advance for the long post, but It is necessary to give context to the situation. I have been with my boyfriend for over three years now, and we live together with our two dogs. When we first innitially started dating, he had said that he is taking a year long break from alcohol just to reset himself and feel good. I commended him for making that decision, and for also being able to go out with his friends in environments where there is drinking, and still have no desire to drink, but rather to just stick with his year long goal. Our relationship was truly amazing when he was sober. He treated me very well, and we began to build a life together that we love, including future plans to get married. After his one year of sobriety was up, and he began drinking again, a pattern began to emerge where he would get beyond intoxicated, and would become very obnoxious and mean to me. Its almost like a jekyl and Hyde situation in the sense that he becomes someone so cruel that I dont even recognize him. These nights where he becomes extremely intoxicated often leads to him using cocaine and binge drinking for days straight. It is extremely worrisome and has taken a toll on my mental health. Everytime he sobers up from one of these binges, he apologizes profusely, and says that it won't happen again because he doesnt want to lose me. The problem is is that the drinking is what leads to the cocaine use , but he does not think that his drinking is a problem, and that he is able to moderate himself. Even though these binges do not happen all of the time, they have been increasing in frequency, and seem to be occurring every couple of weeks now. I just do not understand how a person can go without alcohol and be completely fine without having it for days, but once they get too intoxicated on a random night; it leads to a full on binge for days with cocaine use in the mix. Its almost like the addiction component only comes out if he gets too drunk. I love this person so much, but this is really starting to break me, and I am at a loss on how to navigate this.

I understand that alcoholics claim to not remember what they do/ say while drunk. Meanwhile, the people that have the pleasure of dealing with them are developing PTSD and experiencing anxiety/ panic/ heart palpitations at the sound of our phones ringing/ buzzing from texts, as we try to forget the insults/ accusations/ physical abuse hurled towards us. Do they not look back at the heinous texts they sent? Does it not hit them in a moment of clarity/ non drunkenness the morning after, how abusive and selfish they were the night before? I would be mortified to discover having sent abusive texts to someone during a moment of inebriation and would say sorry/ ask for forgiveness. If someone told me that I pulled a knife on them, trashed their house, beat them, cut up all of their clothes, I would fall to my knees at their feet most likely. But what do we get? Crickets chirping. I guess I'm having a hard time trying to decide whether it's the alcohol that makes my sibling act shitty towards us, or whether he was always just a shitty person who held these thoughts close to his heart and the alcohol only exposed them? Thanks for reading.

My husband is as high-functioning as they come. The only way I know that he’s drunker than normal is if he is super friendly and talkative with me. Other than that, you wouldn’t know that he drinks throughout the day and all evening. He doesn’t smell. He isn’t sloppy. He has a successful career.

I tell him I worry about him. He knows I want him to stop. He knows he has a problem.

Is it wrong of me to have given up trying to get him to stop? Any time I bring it up, he gets upset. I want to maintain a peaceful house for our children, so I stay quiet. His family doesn’t know how bad it is. Am I doing a disservice to him by staying quiet?

I asked why we hardly have sex. He gave me a new reason every time I brought it up and told me to stop begging because it wasn’t attractive- it basically reset whatever intimacy clock I had in my head. Last June he finally gave me the real reason- he can’t get hard most of the time because he’s too drunk. I thought this was a breakthrough- he was finally being honest with himself and with me. Maybe there would be changes…he started drinking NA beers and walking…he agreed to have the second child I had been longing for. How did he celebrate me telling him I was pregnant? By drinking a bottle of wine in a couple of hours. Instead of improving, things ended up worse. He started hiding his drinking.

We used to be happy. What happened? Rant over…

Hello all,

My brother who was an alcoholic most of his adult life took his own life almost one year ago. Myself and our other sibling are wanting to do something in honor of our brother each year that relates specifically to mental health and/or alcoholism. I’m reaching out for ideas on what that could look like?

The one and only idea I have is potentially to contact the sober living house my brother was in twice to see if we could donate $$ for start up fees for someone who is looking to start recovery but maybe do not have the funds associated with getting started at a sober living house.

Of course we could donate to a non-profit organization for mental health but I feel it in my heart to try to do something for our community.

I welcome any and all ideas.

Thank you for listening.

BF and I (both 29) have been together for 8 years. Drinking didn’t feel like an issue when we were 21, but over the years since moving in together it’s become increasingly difficult.

I love BF very much, he’s great at his job, and overall isn’t outwardly very destructive. The main issue is that as soon as I’m not around, he maximize every opportunity to be able to drink. This means after work (service industry), he’s coming home at 3-4am every night, when he rehearses or plays with his band, he’s coming home drunk, out with his friends, coming home drunk. Basically whenever he leaves, he comes home drunk. I feel conflicted bc all those things are fine on their own, but the compounded effect of him coming home drunk nearly every night over years and years has me at my end. I feel repulsed when he crawls in bed smelling like booze, and generally just don’t like him being around him when he’s drunk, whether it’s 2 beer or 20 I just feel turned off and irritated.

Obviously there are many times in which these outings did become messy, because once he starts drinking he doesn’t stop. A couple rock bottoms were hit over the years and we’ve had several conversations about figuring it out, cutting back, etc but ofc it never lasts. He knows he has a problem and has often expressed heavy guilt and regret, but ultimately is still in denial and thinks he can find a way to control it.

I feel bad because I’m holding so much resentment from years of dealing with his drinking that I get so triggered whenever he makes the choice to drink even when the situation seems more “reasonable”. Because everything feels affected by it, even if there’s no tangible destructive evidence: when he’a hungover, he doesn’t contribute to the household chores, he doesn’t wanna do things, etc. He’s too low on cash to take me on dates, but can go get drinks and drunkenly order uber eats every night after work. There’s like a whole ecosystem of resentment.

I feel emotionally distanced from him because I love him as a sober person but have to be around the drunk version of him nearly half the time. We’ve been talking about getting married but I’m honestly not ready for that until he can truly demonstrate a desire to get a drip. Is this as bad as it feels?

About two years ago, I knew that he had something of a problem. He was unpleasant to be around when he had been drinking, and I had asked him to cut back and the cutting back never stayed. After we had a big long talk then, he said he would just stop drinking and as far as I knew, he kept to that.

I found out yesterday that he didn't. We had been trying for a baby, and I got pregnant (it's/would be seven weeks today). Yesterday, I started bleeding heavily and went to the hospital, and it really seems like a miscarriage is very imminent. He went out for a drive to clear his head last night, and came home obviously altered. I asked if he had drunk any, and he said he had two and it was the first time since he stopped. I was disappointed, but decided to let it go and something still felt wrong so I went to look in the outdoor recycling to see what I would find. I found three empty 12 pack boxes, a tall boy 6 pack, lots of cans etc. I came in and (not my finest moment) told him he's a liar. Asked him to show me where he kept it and he pulled half of another 12 pack out of the back seat of his car.

I went to my parents' for the night, and this morning I have been searching high and low. I've found so much. Tote bags of empty cans in both of his vehicles, tons of empty ZYN tins (i didnt know he did nicotine either. F***). I have his keys still, we're going to sit down and figure out what the plan is in a few hours once its a little later and he's slept more of it off. He's very apologetic, and swears he can stop but i know now he's an alcoholic and a liar so I don't know if I can trust him.

I feel like I have lost both my baby and the husband I thought I had all in one day and I'm crumbling.

Local Al-Anon has a zoom meeting today at 10, so I'm probably going to go to that. He knows he needs help.

But he works a very blue-collar job and I know his coworkers are the reason he started the ZYN pods thing so I don't know if he'll ever be able to break away from it.

I don't know what I need but I need...something.

Anyone else? It’s hard to have a connection with someone who drinks till they pass out everyday.

my bf (26) and i f(25) have been together for 8 years and have a 3 year old daughter. he has been addicted to drugs since i met him, when i first met him he was doing pain pills but never multiplie times a day, it gradually grew in size on how much he would consume in a single day to dozens in a week. he has tried a lot of pain pills (oxy, morphine, hydro, perc, etc) also suboxone, fent (fake blue pills) and now kratom. he OD on fent in my arms after he told his mom and promised her he would sell it(he bought the stuff off reddit) , she gave it to him and he did some and it took 7 narcan to bring him back, but he doesn’t seem to care. he is so mean to me ,whether he has taken anything or not. i have told him for years that i love him and the things he does (drugs, verbal abuse, emotional distress, disrespect) hurt me. he just doesn’t care about it, doesn’t care about anything at all. i know he loves our daughter and i but doesn’t show it in the ways he would’ve years ago. he is always in a bad mood, even on a decent day he is still always upset about some shit. when i call him out on his behavior, all the things he says to me and how he talks to me, he plays victim and says this is why he should die, how worthless he is, etc and it seems as though he is manipulating me because i have to apologize to him when i do no wrong in the moment just because he is making me feel bad for telling him how he hurt me. i am not innocent, i can start arguments and not be very kind to him, but as a whole, i 7/10 lash out because of built up tension and anger from the way i am treated. he has told me vulgar things multiple times as well as saying he hates me, regrets me, i ruined his life, that he regrets having a child, etc. i have and have always had, long before i have known him, struggled with severe depression and anxiety, i have diagnosed BPD, MDD, bipolar 1. i am medicated and have been for years, on and off trying different meds. i do not drive (no permit) and it’s a struggle to work. i freak out when things don’t play out the way they do in my head, so when i expect him to understand and care and he doesn’t, i lose my mind. he is a gaslighter, a manipulative and narcissistic person, says i take no accountability, that i’m the problem in almost EVERY argument or situation we are in because i am “boring” and “stupid” as he says. he also makes me uncomfortable about sexual things, makes me feel bad for never wanting to do anything with him. i am so attracted to him, i love him very much, he is my first everything. although i love him, i simply can’t express or fathom the words to describe how uncomfortable i am about sex. he treats me like SHIT over it, and i just want to feel loved and respected by him, i am romantic and physical touch and small kisses on my forehead, etc all things a girl really wants from her boyfriend, he doesn’t do. he will try barely, it just doesn’t feel right. he says that i disappoint him because i don’t want to have sex, also said once in a fight that i’m only good for my vagina. he has hurt me so deeply and when i tell him his drug use makes me so sad and heartbroken, that his family feels the same way, he turns it around on him saying how is it fair that he HAS to be miserable sober for his family and loved ones to be happy. sobriety is not easy, can’t force someone to get help, i’m aware, i lost my brother to OD 2 years ago. the thing is though being sober and sobriety is something you have to FIGHT every single day and WANT to be better for yourself first and the ones you love who love you. he doesn’t want that, he really does NOT care. i don’t want to break apart our family, he is a good dad to our daughter but that isn’t enough. i don’t know what to do or how to do it, i don’t know if there is only hope for our relationship anymore as he is always so annoyed at me (i like showing my interests, my shows,something on my game etc) he doesn’t care, not one bit, barely looks up from his phone and gives the “oh yeah” “that’s cool” “hell yeah” but when he shows or mentions an interest of his, i listen and watch what he says or shows. i cry myself to sleep at least 4 nights a week thinking about it, but if i mention it to him, like i mentioned earlier, he takes no accountability. is my relationship a lost cause? he thinks of me so poorly and treats me that way, i damn near feel like a door matt. how do i go about trying to get him help when he doesn’t want it? has drugs altered minds so much that they’d rather do drugs than save $ and be present in life with loved ones? i don’t know what to do anymore, i am so heartbroken and burnt out. please tell me someone has experienced this.

My sister is a year sober from drinking and it’s been a painful and at times frightening journey to get here. We live in the same house but on different levels, both with our own partners and respective lives. I have always felt that whatever I have in my space is accessible to her and if she were to drink because I had alcohol in the house it would be my fault. It feels disrespectful or unfair to put her in a position to be tempted and I never want to do that. My boyfriend challenged this idea and so did my sister. She said that she doesn’t expect or want the people around her to stop living and enjoying alcohol responsibly just because she can’t. That you cant tempt her with something she doesn’t want. I can’t seem to morally wrap my head around this, the idea that I wouldn’t be at fault for having it in an accessible place. Just looking for any and all thoughts on this, if others have struggled with something similar. I realize everyone’s situation is different, just hoping for some perspective and clarity.

left my bf almost a month ago now

i'm still grieving who he could be, who we could be

but i'm no longer drowning in stress and anxiety every night.

i've been able to focus on myself again

but i miss him. i miss him so much

i miss the fun we had, i miss everything.

except the agony of his addiction < / 3

for the people who have partners specifically, what made you finally leave.. majority of my family growing up were alcoholics and it was normalized but never in a million years did I think I’d get into that situation.
I married a closeted drinker. when it’s good it’s great but it’s been a cycle of really bad to good. Emotionally I’m exhausted. We’ve only been married less than a year, thankfully no children.
I’m sad to say I’m just waiting on the day something even more drastic happens that I’ll just have to let go of the idea of a normal relationship. I miss myself and him before all of this happened. people have been telling me to give him more time but I’m not sure how much time that will take?
For now I plan on doing things for myself & feel excited about that part. I’ll be thankful for any type of response 🫂

I am grateful that in Al-Anon, through the Traditions and the principle of participation in Concept Four, I am encouraged to voice my concerns at business meetings. By practicing these principles, I discovered that when I find the courage to speak up, I can contribute meaningfully and sometimes make a significant impact. —“If I Am Aware , I Am Responsible ,” p11 The Forum July 2026, Copyright ©️ 2026 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

I don’t have to like everybody, but I want to look deeper to find the spirit that we share in common. —Courage to Change p204 Copyright ©️ 1992 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Al-Anon has taught me to concentrate on myself and to discern what I really need to do for me, not what I “should” do. That might mean going to a meeting, or it might mean something else. I need to remember that Al-Anon is a gentle way of life, not a military drill. —Hope for Today p204 Copyright ©️ 2002 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

There is room for growth where there is mutual respect and trust. —Reaching for Personal Freedom, quoted in A Little Time for Myself p204 Copyright ©️ 2023 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Sometimes I think the whole world revolves around me, but the program is there to remind me that it doesn’t. When people don’t treat me the way I want to be treated or do things the way I think they should be done, I’ll remember that everybody is entitled to their own opinion. I know what I believe about myself. I’ll use the program today to be comfortable with that. —ALATEEN—a day at a time p204 Copyright ©️ 1983 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Just found out my son who suffers from alcoholism got released from the hospital. A friend did a wellness check yesterday and cops took him to the ER. His blood alcohol level was .49 when he came in. He was kept overnight and released later this morning. He doesn’t have insurance. I thought hospitals had counselors that could sign him up for Medicaid. I think he would qualify but I also know he’s not ready to stop. So, he may have denied help. It’s so heartbreaking when you realize you can’t force someone to get help. He was already drinking again when he called me.

I won’t get into all the details because that would take forever, but basically I’m concerned about one of my friend’s (I’ll call her D) drinking habits. We’ve known each other since high school and are in our mid 20s now. Our entire friend group likes to go out and have a good time which sometimes includes bars or other drinking activities, especially during college and in our very early 20s. D has always been the more frequent drinker among us but it was never really at a point where I’d consider it to be a problem for the first several years of our friendship.

Fast forward to a couple of years ago when I was visiting D for about two weeks and I noticed that she was either drinking or smoking weed almost everyday. When she would get home from work, she would either have a few shots of tequila, take enough weed to get her pretty high, or both. I sorta thought that was an unhealthy behavior but she was never drunk/high at work, never drove under the influence, or anything reckless like that. On the other hand, she became extremely angry, argumentative, and unpleasant to be around although never got into physical fights. She would constantly get into arguments with her husband over stupid shit and just ruin everyone’s mood. Other times she would pick a fight with me or someone else in our friend group which, again, just spoiled whatever good time we were having.

I’ve been friends for her husband for a very long time as well, since before they started dating, so I reluctantly brought my concerns up with him. He said he also had similar concerns and would try talking to D about it since now those concerns were also coming from a person outside of their relationship. The times I hung out with D after that, it seemed like she wasn’t drinking quite as often but she was still getting high almost every day.

Most recently, I went on vacation with D and her husband. On the first day of our vacation, she wasn’t able to get the day off from work so she ended up working remotely on the flight to our destination. She had 4 shots of liquor during this time. I made comment about her drinking while working (albeit remote working) and she just brushed it off by saying that the alcohol helps with the motion sickness she gets while flying and that she’s drinking to enjoy her vacation. D spent the rest of our vacation getting drunk every day and starting more stupid arguments with either her husband or myself. She would wake up the next morning super hungover, feeling nauseous, with a pounding headache, etc. which made the vacation less enjoyable because we had to start our days later because she couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t do some activities because they would worsen her headache or nausea, and so on. There was one night when we went to a comedy show and she kept heckling the comedian because she was drunk which was extremely embarrassing for me. Speaking for myself, her behavior while she was drunk 100% ruined a vacation that I spent a lot of money to go on and, more importantly, was looking forward to for a long time because I wanted to spend time with two of my closest friend that I don’t get to see very often.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation? I’m honestly not even sure if D actually has a drinking problem or if I’m just blowing the situation out of proportion because I don’t like the way she acts when she does drink (although writing this post gave my some clarity on that tbh). I want to talk to her about my concerns but I also don’t want to sound like I’m trying to preach at her about how she should live her life. I’m also worried that if I do basically accuse her of being an alcoholic, it might ruin our friendship.

i grew up in a family where no one drank alcoholfor religious and cultural reasons. On both sides ofmy family, drinking just wasn't part of our lives. Growing up in North America, I was obviouslyexposed to it, and I had my fun with it in university, but now I don't really drink at all. I'm now in my first serious relationship, and mypartner comes from a family where alcohol is anormal part of life. They'll have wine with dinner, drinks at family gatherings, or a drink on the weekend. They do sometimes drink excessively and get drunk for no reason and that’s when I get uncomfortable.

Intellectually, I understand that not everyone was raised the way I was, and I know my perspective is shaped by my upbringing. I don't hate alcohol, andI don't judge people who drink. But I also genuinely don't understand the appeal. Even if someone isn'tgetting drunk, I still find myself wondering, "Why are you drinking? What's the benefit?" If it's not a birthday , a celebration, or another special occasion, I don't really see the point. That's just my personal philosophy. Lately I've been thinking more about what this means for the future, especially if we have kids. I know we're raising them in North America, where alcohol is a normal part of the culture, and I don’t expect my kids to never have a drink. At the same time, I don't really envision alcohol being a regular part of family life the way my partner grew up with it. I'm trying to figure out what healthy compromises look like in relationships where one partner doesn't drink and the other does.

If you grew up similarly to me, how have you navigated this? If you have kids, how do you approach alcohol in your home? Do you set boundaries around drinking? Do you let your kids drink when they're older? Has this difference in values caused issues in your relationship , or has it become a non-issue overtime? I'm genuinely looking for perspectives from people who have lived this, especially those who grew up in non-drinking households but built a family with someone who drinks socially. How did you think through it, and what has worked for you? This version focuses the discussion on your future family rather than whether alcohol itself is good or bad, which is more likely to get thoughtful advice instead of arguments about drinking.

sorry if this isnt the best page - im happy to hear better communities, im new to posting on reddit.

What was meant to be a fun day at the beach with my three year old turned into a panic attack at the beach for me. Luckily my friend was able to drive us back home. On the way I called my partner to talk to him about what was going on and plans for dinner. In roughly 20 minutes since ending the call and us arriving home he had something to drink. The last time he drank he yelled horrible things at me and then said that would be the last time like always. Im not ignorant to the nature of this disease. I lost my dad the same way but it never stops hurting. I know my time in protecting my daughter from the reality of things is short but when Im in a moment of weakness it seems impossible. Im exhausted and I know the only way out is to leave but I feel trapped in a child like fear.

What feels even worse right now is my mom telling me she was done dealing with me and it after forcing me to put up with multiple partners addictions for my entire childhood. Not to mention the countless times she has made excuses for him and told me to stay. This inability to deal with it comes days after a disagreement about money. I know she has every right and probably should do what she's doing but it's hard not to feel like it's intentional.

Im a grown adult with a degree in psychology and still I sit here crying in my bathtub stuck in a state of panic. How do we let go of the caretaker roal emotionally? Is it truly possible or does it just become easier to ignore. I just want to go more than a few weeks without something happening.

I am prepared for and already know the hard truths you're about to send my way. I need and welcome them because this mother is terrified of doing the same thing to her daughter.

TLDR: My friend is upset I wrote a letter back to my ex. And I struggle with how she makes a blanket statement about our relationship.

I was dating someone for half a year and we really clicked. I'm sober for personal reasons, nothing with addiction.

My ex was open that he checked himself into rehab over a year ago and got sober. During our dating, he was nothing but a supportive and loving partner to me.

Then his Rx changed. And with this change brought about his addictive behaviors. It was almost night and day within a week of changing his prescription.

Long story short, he drove to my house and was drunk. His behavior was off, he got paranoid, accused me of cheating, and just said the most terrible things to me.

The following day he apologized, admitted fault, and was going to AA. We agreed to meet in person, where I broke it off and he understood. Not because I dont love him, mind you. But I know that at 6 months, I'm the last relationship he needs to focus on right now. I want him to get sober for himself.

He sent me a letter today, on his one week anniversary of sobriety. Said he was working the 12 steps, and although our breakup was hard it was the right thing. He said he understood if I didnt write back.

I did. But I kept it away from my own feelings and emotions. I didnt give any hopes of us getting back together. Just that I love him and I was proud.

My best friend called and I told her about it.

She goes "okay. Thats enough. Youre never doing that again". I know it comes from a place of love and concern, but it was just so harsh. Yes, that day he was drunk - was so terrible. It was like my friend died. Truly.

I didnt break up with him because I didnt love him anymore. I broke up with him because I do.

Addiction sucks. But I refuse to just blindly put someone in a box of "youre an addict. So fuck off youre a piece of trash" (paraphrasing here)

For fuck sakes Im not getting back together with him. But giving a cold shoulder silent treatment is not true to who I am and is disingenuous.

"If he writes you again you are NOT writing back". Its like I cant grieve around my friends. And what doesn't help is just dog piling on someone.

Its like no matter what I'm letting someone down.

My dad was sober for years and was doing amazing. He took care of my grandmother while she was sick, and after she passed away he completely stepped up. He paid all the bills on time, took care of the house, the pets, and really turned his life around.

Recently everything has changed. He had been drinking heavily, becoming angry, starting arguments, and has even tried to physically fight my boyfriend on multiple occasions which has caused a lot of stress for both of us but mainly him due to living in an environment constantly worried about confrontation. The house isn't being taken care of like it was before, and I found a box of meth paraphernalia in his room. Combined with his behaviors, I'm pretty certain he's relapsed.

The living situation makes everything harder. My boyfriend, my dad, my uncle (who has autism), our pets, and I all live together in my late grandmother's house. The house is still legally in my grandmother's name. My dad has continued paying the bills, but I'm scared that if he's using again, everything we've worked so hard to rebuild after my grandmother's death is going to fall apart.

My boyfriend and I can't really move out right now. We're both trying to get better jobs and our driver's licenses, but financially we're struggling. I've already talked to family members, and no one is really willing to help. I feel the obvious answer is to move out, but that isn’t immediately possible. I’m looking for advice on steps I can take while I work toward that. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Also, my dad doesn’t know I found it, or at least he hasn’t said anything but I left it where it was. He’s actually on some type of unsupervised probation for past drug charges which is crazy to me he’s willing to throw his whole life away once again. He still works, going to his 12 hour shifts I’m not even sure how if he’s using. He usually drinks every weekend and that stopped just very recently so I don’t know how long it’s been going on.

What would you do if you were me? I don’t want to confront him directly. I'm especially worried about my uncle, our pets, and what happens if my dad's behavior/use keeps getting worse.

I left my Q 3 weeks ago and this has been one of the toughest times in my life by far. It’s like all my self-confidence flew out the window these last months and I feel like a shell right now. I can’t wait to do all the right things, get to therapy, and finally feel whole again though.
I’m incredibly aware of my own psychology and yet I’m still a prisoner to it. Aren’t we all though? It’s like I knew her psychology better than mine and it’s weirdly convinced me I can just never be mad at her.
The other day I was researching trauma bonding and narcissism and other therapy videos. I partly forgot that she was still logged into my YouTube on her TV and she saw that. Of course she retaliates and types in “Dating narcissist boyfriend” into the search bar so that I’ll see it next time I use YouTube. I know she’s just trying to hurt me and I don’t even know why I’m letting it. She’s not a narcissist and I know that but I was just going down a hole of researching the topic. I don’t even know why I even feel bad she saw it but part of me is so sad that maybe the last impression she’ll get of me is that I could easily sum her up to be a narcissist. I guess I just never wanted her to think I’m spiteful or hateful because that’s just not the case. I guess I also just wanted her to fully apologize someday and I know I’m going through my own mental crisis but what if she never realizes I was only trying to help the entire relationship because of this? I logged her out by the way.

I know this is really unhealthy but it’s like, why do I care so much about someone that continuously is trying to harm me after the relationship? She demanded all of the gifts she gave me back once I broke up with her and I care that she saw I was looking up narcissism? I haven’t contacted her in 2 weeks but man, this has been hard.

I know the obvious answer is hey you can’t control what people think of you. But man I just wish she could know that I know she’s very mentally unwell and I would never hate or judge her for it.