I understand that alcoholics claim to not remember what they do/ say while drunk. Meanwhile, the people that have the pleasure of dealing with them are developing PTSD and experiencing anxiety/ panic/ heart palpitations at the sound of our phones ringing/ buzzing from texts, as we try to forget the insults/ accusations/ physical abuse hurled towards us. Do they not look back at the heinous texts they sent? Does it not hit them in a moment of clarity/ non drunkenness the morning after, how abusive and selfish they were the night before? I would be mortified to discover having sent abusive texts to someone during a moment of inebriation and would say sorry/ ask for forgiveness. If someone told me that I pulled a knife on them, trashed their house, beat them, cut up all of their clothes, I would fall to my knees at their feet most likely. But what do we get? Crickets chirping. I guess I'm having a hard time trying to decide whether it's the alcohol that makes my sibling act shitty towards us, or whether he was always just a shitty person who held these thoughts close to his heart and the alcohol only exposed them? Thanks for reading.

About two years ago, I knew that he had something of a problem. He was unpleasant to be around when he had been drinking, and I had asked him to cut back and the cutting back never stayed. After we had a big long talk then, he said he would just stop drinking and as far as I knew, he kept to that.

I found out yesterday that he didn't. We had been trying for a baby, and I got pregnant (it's/would be seven weeks today). Yesterday, I started bleeding heavily and went to the hospital, and it really seems like a miscarriage is very imminent. He went out for a drive to clear his head last night, and came home obviously altered. I asked if he had drunk any, and he said he had two and it was the first time since he stopped. I was disappointed, but decided to let it go and something still felt wrong so I went to look in the outdoor recycling to see what I would find. I found three empty 12 pack boxes, a tall boy 6 pack, lots of cans etc. I came in and (not my finest moment) told him he's a liar. Asked him to show me where he kept it and he pulled half of another 12 pack out of the back seat of his car.

I went to my parents' for the night, and this morning I have been searching high and low. I've found so much. Tote bags of empty cans in both of his vehicles, tons of empty ZYN tins (i didnt know he did nicotine either. F***). I have his keys still, we're going to sit down and figure out what the plan is in a few hours once its a little later and he's slept more of it off. He's very apologetic, and swears he can stop but i know now he's an alcoholic and a liar so I don't know if I can trust him.

I feel like I have lost both my baby and the husband I thought I had all in one day and I'm crumbling.

Local Al-Anon has a zoom meeting today at 10, so I'm probably going to go to that. He knows he needs help.

But he works a very blue-collar job and I know his coworkers are the reason he started the ZYN pods thing so I don't know if he'll ever be able to break away from it.

I don't know what I need but I need...something.

BF and I (both 29) have been together for 8 years. Drinking didn’t feel like an issue when we were 21, but over the years since moving in together it’s become increasingly difficult.

I love BF very much, he’s great at his job, and overall isn’t outwardly very destructive. The main issue is that as soon as I’m not around, he maximize every opportunity to be able to drink. This means after work (service industry), he’s coming home at 3-4am every night, when he rehearses or plays with his band, he’s coming home drunk, out with his friends, coming home drunk. Basically whenever he leaves, he comes home drunk. I feel conflicted bc all those things are fine on their own, but the compounded effect of him coming home drunk nearly every night over years and years has me at my end. I feel repulsed when he crawls in bed smelling like booze, and generally just don’t like him being around him when he’s drunk, whether it’s 2 beer or 20 I just feel turned off and irritated.

Obviously there are many times in which these outings did become messy, because once he starts drinking he doesn’t stop. A couple rock bottoms were hit over the years and we’ve had several conversations about figuring it out, cutting back, etc but ofc it never lasts. He knows he has a problem and has often expressed heavy guilt and regret, but ultimately is still in denial and thinks he can find a way to control it.

I feel bad because I’m holding so much resentment from years of dealing with his drinking that I get so triggered whenever he makes the choice to drink even when the situation seems more “reasonable”. Because everything feels affected by it, even if there’s no tangible destructive evidence: when he’a hungover, he doesn’t contribute to the household chores, he doesn’t wanna do things, etc. He’s too low on cash to take me on dates, but can go get drinks and drunkenly order uber eats every night after work. There’s like a whole ecosystem of resentment.

I feel emotionally distanced from him because I love him as a sober person but have to be around the drunk version of him nearly half the time. We’ve been talking about getting married but I’m honestly not ready for that until he can truly demonstrate a desire to get a drip. Is this as bad as it feels?

Anyone else? It’s hard to have a connection with someone who drinks till they pass out everyday.

for the people who have partners specifically, what made you finally leave.. majority of my family growing up were alcoholics and it was normalized but never in a million years did I think I’d get into that situation.
I married a closeted drinker. when it’s good it’s great but it’s been a cycle of really bad to good. Emotionally I’m exhausted. We’ve only been married less than a year, thankfully no children.
I’m sad to say I’m just waiting on the day something even more drastic happens that I’ll just have to let go of the idea of a normal relationship. I miss myself and him before all of this happened. people have been telling me to give him more time but I’m not sure how much time that will take?
For now I plan on doing things for myself & feel excited about that part. I’ll be thankful for any type of response 🫂

I am grateful that in Al-Anon, through the Traditions and the principle of participation in Concept Four, I am encouraged to voice my concerns at business meetings. By practicing these principles, I discovered that when I find the courage to speak up, I can contribute meaningfully and sometimes make a significant impact. —“If I Am Aware , I Am Responsible ,” p11 The Forum July 2026, Copyright ©️ 2026 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

I don’t have to like everybody, but I want to look deeper to find the spirit that we share in common. —Courage to Change p204 Copyright ©️ 1992 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Al-Anon has taught me to concentrate on myself and to discern what I really need to do for me, not what I “should” do. That might mean going to a meeting, or it might mean something else. I need to remember that Al-Anon is a gentle way of life, not a military drill. —Hope for Today p204 Copyright ©️ 2002 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

There is room for growth where there is mutual respect and trust. —Reaching for Personal Freedom, quoted in A Little Time for Myself p204 Copyright ©️ 2023 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Sometimes I think the whole world revolves around me, but the program is there to remind me that it doesn’t. When people don’t treat me the way I want to be treated or do things the way I think they should be done, I’ll remember that everybody is entitled to their own opinion. I know what I believe about myself. I’ll use the program today to be comfortable with that. —ALATEEN—a day at a time p204 Copyright ©️ 1983 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Just found out my son who suffers from alcoholism got released from the hospital. A friend did a wellness check yesterday and cops took him to the ER. His blood alcohol level was .49 when he came in. He was kept overnight and released later this morning. He doesn’t have insurance. I thought hospitals had counselors that could sign him up for Medicaid. I think he would qualify but I also know he’s not ready to stop. So, he may have denied help. It’s so heartbreaking when you realize you can’t force someone to get help. He was already drinking again when he called me.

It's been a tough week. I told myself I was going to stop giving so much of myself, to stop trying to be vulnerable in front of my husband (Q), thinking I could get through to him. But it's like he can feel me pull back, and he keeps digging until he gets me to open up to him.

Then it turns into a fight, even though I was just trying to explain how something made me feel. He made me think he'd actually care if he just understood. I knew better, but I still tried.

Sleeping in my car in the driveway, because I don't have anywhere else to go. I don't know what I'm going to do in the morning, when he has to take the car to work. I just feel so done.

since leaving my boyfriend last week, I’ve been an emotional wreck. sometimes I catch myself thinking I’m making the right decision, it’s gonna be ok, I’m putting myself first, I deserve more, I’m going to just focus on my hot girl glow up & then the next thing you know, I’m crying just looking at the couch where my bf used to sit. I cry looking out my window up into the clouds, in the shower, when I look in the mirror, before bed and in the morning. why the fuck does God allow such an evil disease to take over the people we love. It’s not fair. I’m just so angry but so sad at the same time. I love this man so much. He was my everything. The person I truly thought I was going to finish this life with. I’m trying to be strong but all I wanna do is run right back into his arms..

Seriously fuck alcohol and drug addiction.

Hi everyone, I’m in a new relationship with someone who consistently drinks at least 3 beers every evening, usually more.

It doesn’t seem to impair him in anyway, he doesn’t change personalities, or have any noticeable impacts on him. For some reason I’m still uncomfortable with the amount.
Does this sound like something to bring up as a dependency?

I don't even know what I'm trying to get out of writing this honestly

I found this subreddit a few days ago and I think part of me is just relieved that somewhere like this exists because nobody in my actual life really knows what's going on and I feel like I've been carrying around so many thoughts for so long that maybe I just need somewhere to put them. I honestly think I'm probably going to keep coming back here whenever something happens even if it's just to get everything out of my head for a little while.

I'm twenty and I have a one-year-old son and a few weeks ago I found out that I'm pregnant again and his dad still has absolutely no idea.

From the outside my life probably looks normal. I go to university, I spend time with my family, I post photos of my son and everyone just assumes we're another young couple trying to figure life out.

What nobody knows is that my family has absolutely no idea about his drinking.

And when I say that I don't mean that they know a little bit and don't realise how bad it is. I mean they genuinely don't know anything. They see the funny version of him, the version who sits at family dinners making everyone laugh and carries our son around for hours and helps me with university when I'm stressed.

They don't know about the nights where I wake up and realise he isn't home or the arguments that somehow always seem to happen after he's been out. They don't know that I've become weirdly good at telling the difference between him being genuinely tired and him sleeping half the day because he drank too much the night before.

And I hate admitting this but sometimes I feel like alcohol has become this third thing in our relationship that's always there even when he isn't drinking.

Because most of the time he actually isn't drunk.

Most days are normal. Most days he's genuinely a good partner and an amazing dad. When I was pregnant with our son he stopped drinking completely and stayed sober for months. He helps with our son, he helps me study and there are entire weeks where I convince myself that maybe things really are getting better.

And then something happens and suddenly I'm back where I started.

He goes out with friends. He comes home different. He sleeps for ages. He wakes up with headaches and acts irritated all day and we end up arguing over stupid things that somehow turn into huge fights.

And I spend hours wondering whether I'm overreacting or whether I'm actually underreacting.

I think that's why I feel so alone because people hear the word alcoholic and imagine chaos every single day and that's not really what my life looks like. My life looks normal right up until it suddenly doesn't.

And somehow over the years I've started changing too.

Sometimes he'll hug me and I'll hug him back but part of me just feels tired in a way I don't even know how to explain. Not angry and not heartbroken exactly. Just exhausted.

And then I feel guilty for even feeling that way because I knew him before all of this. Before his friend died. Before the depression. Before alcohol became part of our lives.

I still remember who he used to be and I think that's part of the reason I'm struggling so much because I don't sit here thinking that I need to get away from some terrible man.

I sit here wondering what happened to us.

And now there's another baby involved except he doesn't even know yet.

I already struggled with the idea of raising one child while trying to finish university and now I keep thinking about nurseries and sleepless nights and whether I could actually do this alone and whether he would stop drinking if he knew and whether any of that would even matter in the long run.

I don't know what answer I'm looking for anymore.

I think I just needed to tell someone.

And maybe now that I've found this place I'll stop trying to carry all of it by myself.

i grew up in a family where no one drank alcoholfor religious and cultural reasons. On both sides ofmy family, drinking just wasn't part of our lives. Growing up in North America, I was obviouslyexposed to it, and I had my fun with it in university, but now I don't really drink at all. I'm now in my first serious relationship, and mypartner comes from a family where alcohol is anormal part of life. They'll have wine with dinner, drinks at family gatherings, or a drink on the weekend. They do sometimes drink excessively and get drunk for no reason and that’s when I get uncomfortable.

Intellectually, I understand that not everyone was raised the way I was, and I know my perspective is shaped by my upbringing. I don't hate alcohol, andI don't judge people who drink. But I also genuinely don't understand the appeal. Even if someone isn'tgetting drunk, I still find myself wondering, "Why are you drinking? What's the benefit?" If it's not a birthday , a celebration, or another special occasion, I don't really see the point. That's just my personal philosophy. Lately I've been thinking more about what this means for the future, especially if we have kids. I know we're raising them in North America, where alcohol is a normal part of the culture, and I don’t expect my kids to never have a drink. At the same time, I don't really envision alcohol being a regular part of family life the way my partner grew up with it. I'm trying to figure out what healthy compromises look like in relationships where one partner doesn't drink and the other does.

If you grew up similarly to me, how have you navigated this? If you have kids, how do you approach alcohol in your home? Do you set boundaries around drinking? Do you let your kids drink when they're older? Has this difference in values caused issues in your relationship , or has it become a non-issue overtime? I'm genuinely looking for perspectives from people who have lived this, especially those who grew up in non-drinking households but built a family with someone who drinks socially. How did you think through it, and what has worked for you? This version focuses the discussion on your future family rather than whether alcohol itself is good or bad, which is more likely to get thoughtful advice instead of arguments about drinking.

sorry if this isnt the best page - im happy to hear better communities, im new to posting on reddit.

Reposting with corrected typo in title

You can find my previous post here for context: https://www.reddit.com/r/AlAnon/comments/1srt3m5/mother_has_become_a_living_nightmare/

I'm having a really hard time with my feelings of guilt for going no contact and not inviting her to the wedding. To the point of considering reaching back out to her. I have been kind of spiraling the last week and a half about it.

I'm not really sure why, as I reflect on it my mom did and said a ton of awful things, even outside of what I included in that post. But, there was some good too. I went to her place for Xmas after a really bad break up 5 years ago and it was nice. she set up a room for me so I could bring my cats too.

There is also the aspect of my fiancée. She sat me down the other night because she has seen me hurting, we have been talking about it too. But she basically sat me down to tell me that she really thinks that if I reach back out that I will just be hurt and disappointed again. She was practically begging me not to. I need to stay strong on this for her, but man it is hard.

My step mom and I also chatted about it and she pretty firmly told me I need to keep mom out for the sake of my fiancee, if I want to reach back out to mom after the wedding, fine, but I need to keep my barrier up until then for the sake of my future marriage. I know she is right, I dont want to add stress to my fiancee because of chaos on my side.

I had an aunt I have been talking to about this ask if I was inviting some cousins to the wedding. I initially was not planning on it to kind of minimize the odds of things going back to mom and more damage there, I also hadn't spoken to these people in at least a decade. But after some thought I decided it may be nice to reach out, reconnect and explain the situation to them. I did, but now that is also causing me even more anxiety because I will have more family from her side there, but not her. I don't want to hurt her more than I already am, I am kind of debating rescinding those invites.

The constant anxiety over it is just killing me though, like its hard to focus on literally anything else. Work, games, times with friends, hell even sex sometimes. I dont know why I am like this, I wish I could just block her out, get over it and move on but thats so hard.

I am not really sure what caused this recent resurgence in these feelings, I was honestly doing pretty great and then these last couple of weeks have been really bad.

I am not planning on reaching back out, but I dont know what it is in me that is just screaming to call her and try to reconcile. But I also really dont think that is going to go the way I want it to.

I have my bachelor party this weekend, I really want to just try and be present and focus on having fun this weekend.

I am 32 years old, study law, and work for the city hall.

My husband is 31 years old and comes from a family history where his grandfather was an alcoholic and died of cirrhosis, and his father, now 48 years old, is bedridden in diapers and hallucinating because of drinking.

My husband drinks every day and says absurd things to me when he is drunk. I help him, his grandmother, and his father, taking care of them and everything they need.

I have been talking to him and asked him to stop drinking, well, at least during the week. He says he will stop, stayed 4 days without drinking, and then it all went back to the way it was. He is on medical leave from work because he broke his arm, and he has been treating me like I am the nagging one in the relationship who demands too much.

This is breaking me, consuming me. I am the villain in a story that I am carrying entirely on my own shoulders, I feel exhausted, and I have the urge to give up on everything, absolutely everything.

I love him so much, but I am drained.

I am looking for advice on how to step back from my long-distance best friend. We’ve known each other since 5th grade and I love him dearly. We’ve always found our way back to each other despite long periods of just losing touch and contact or whatever. We talk constantly, but his severe alcohol use and denial of it is making me rethink things.

When he’s sober, he’s hilarious, empathetic, and a great listener. He offers sound advice and honestly when sober is more mature than a lot of my friends. But now, I’m confused about what to do. I’ve been hanging up on him and removing myself from our phone conversations when I can hear he’s drunk (something I started noticing in Jan FROM FAR AWAY, especially when a man would want to sleep with him but rejected him for more than that etc) and driving. I’m not sure what else I can do. But here are some of the other behaviors:

He drinks beer constantly, goes to work super early just to leave early and start drinking, drives drunk regularly, and has been in accidents before. He is severely underweight (per doctor) and lives almost entirely on McDonald's/Domino’s/Checker’s etc and beer. He used to show up to work really late like at 11am and would drink before work (he accidentally disclosed this to me once, likely while drunk).

This weekend, his parents (he still lives at home) confronted him after seeing him stagger on their ring camera footage and told him he has a drinking problem. He vented to me about being accused of such but sort of was like “yeah yeah, I know you think so too, I already know what you’re going to say before I share what they told me.” So he deflects and he has agreed to identify with the “high-functioning” parts in the past. But usually he says, “oh well just because you don’t drink often, doesn’t mean everyone is drinking so much alcohol that they’re an alcoholic. I just have to be aware everyone has their limits.”

He is currently exploring his identity as a gay man and is heavy with his internalized racism (we share the same racial background, but he constantly takes jabs at our community and exclusively seeks validation from older white men). He spends hours drinking at breweries or hooking up with a man in their late 30s and 40s to feel validated, while completely ignoring his health, diet and safety. I can’t help but think these identity parts are all connected. They love his size and body and the way he is a really good listener when sober. He offers more grace to these men than me! I don’t understand how it developed. I’m a cishet woman so maybe I’m missing something here. I don’t want to be offensive.

Yesterday, he called after drunk-driving home and asked how my day was. While I was telling him about my day, I heard him typing and he shared that he was texting his 40-something “main man” of all the men on his roster, asking for phone sex — while still on the phone with me! I hung up on him. But I called right back to apologize yet I was still baffled by how he didn't get why it was disrespectful. He didn’t remember anything I said and when we talk and he’s drunk, I can’t expect him to remember anything. It’s impossible to have a convo then so we don’t. But he said he was sad because the guy allegedly said no and hates talking on the phone. And then said he can’t multitask in talking to me and waiting for the guy to call so he said he had to go.

When he’s sober, he’s hilarious, empathetic, and a great listener. But those moments barely exist anymore. I can tell he's drunk over the phone from 3,000 miles away (he’s in DC, I’m in LA), and watching him destroy himself while using me as filler between his men is making me anxious for him, even resentful and also just completely turned off from alcohol entirely. I would drink socially but now it just doesn’t seem worth it anymore.

Like I said, I love and care about him. But I was so glad to hear his parents confronted him even if they didn’t do it in the best way (his dad is an alcoholic too so the presentation admittedly was a little unserious). I know he was depressed when we were younger and didn’t think he’d make it past like 20. He shared recently now that he has, he feels behind and especially behind the men he’s seeing. I guess I’m not too surprised he’s coping with this unhealthily and refuses to see his therapist.

How do I navigate my role as his friend who does love and care about him, and sees a lot of what other people don’t see, but is starting to feel the complicated feelings that comes with being friends to someone experiencing these struggles?

Like every time we talk, he’s coming from or going to a brewery, he’s driving drunk or he’s like burping disgustingly from the beer he just drank (sorry I’m just a girl lol) and on his way to save one of his men from doing something harmful, to be there emotionally and also to cuddle/make out or more. I’m just like … you’re drunk again?!! Idk anymore.

I 26m and my now maybe ex Gf 22F have been seeing eachother for the past year, we met on TikTok and since she lived a couple states away would visit from time to time, she has been using alcohol and abusing it since she was 12 to cope with sexual abuse from her father when she was little. At first I didn’t really think it was a problem since it wasn’t every day , other then one time last summer when while I was in the shower, she somehow downed 4 cans of alcohol, blackout on my balcony and then in the middle of the night pissed all over my floor and didn’t know where she was.I let her stay with me for 2 months before she decided to move here a couple months ago. In that time I have caught her lying to me while she was drunk, I know when she texts me while drunk it’s super slurred and incoherent, I have brought up to her that it’s a problem and that the next time she did it I would be done as I can’t be in a relationship with someone I don’t trust, well last Sunday we were out at a casino with my buddies and she ordered a vodka Cranberry, not wanting to make a scene in front of my freinds I said it’s no big deal but the rest of the night I was honestly really upset, I took her home after and said I needed space, well the last 2 days she has definitely been drinking as her texts show it, I brought it up and it’s the same thing as always , the same excuse as to why she abuses alcohol again. I’m not mr perfect and there are ways that I have not been there for her , but I try to, I live a healthy life , working out 6 times a week etc. I tried calling her and texting her last night but was left on read until 3 am when she texted asking to call me , we’ve argued all morning about her abusing alcohol again and then blaming it on the past with her dad, and yes there are ways I could have been more supportive but right now I am just really upset after all I’ve done for her financially and emotionally, she let me down again, I’ve forgiven her 6 times always hoping she gets help, and yes she has been in a few zoom calls for alcoholism it just never seems to be enough. I don’t know if this is it but I just am at the end of my rope and am so hurt about being deceived and lied to multiple times. The times where she isn’t abusing are good times but then when she goes back to her apartment she abuses again, as far as I know her mom right now is helping her financially and she just got fired from her job as a nanny because she didn’t show up and lied about being in the ER. I’m so tired of being let down and lied to due to her inability to stop using, what to do?

I left my Q 3 weeks ago and this has been one of the toughest times in my life by far. It’s like all my self-confidence flew out the window these last months and I feel like a shell right now. I can’t wait to do all the right things, get to therapy, and finally feel whole again though.
I’m incredibly aware of my own psychology and yet I’m still a prisoner to it. Aren’t we all though? It’s like I knew her psychology better than mine and it’s weirdly convinced me I can just never be mad at her.
The other day I was researching trauma bonding and narcissism and other therapy videos. I partly forgot that she was still logged into my YouTube on her TV and she saw that. Of course she retaliates and types in “Dating narcissist boyfriend” into the search bar so that I’ll see it next time I use YouTube. I know she’s just trying to hurt me and I don’t even know why I’m letting it. She’s not a narcissist and I know that but I was just going down a hole of researching the topic. I don’t even know why I even feel bad she saw it but part of me is so sad that maybe the last impression she’ll get of me is that I could easily sum her up to be a narcissist. I guess I just never wanted her to think I’m spiteful or hateful because that’s just not the case. I guess I also just wanted her to fully apologize someday and I know I’m going through my own mental crisis but what if she never realizes I was only trying to help the entire relationship because of this? I logged her out by the way.

I know this is really unhealthy but it’s like, why do I care so much about someone that continuously is trying to harm me after the relationship? She demanded all of the gifts she gave me back once I broke up with her and I care that she saw I was looking up narcissism? I haven’t contacted her in 2 weeks but man, this has been hard.

I know the obvious answer is hey you can’t control what people think of you. But man I just wish she could know that I know she’s very mentally unwell and I would never hate or judge her for it.

Until you make yourself a priority, you will keep waiting for someone else to make you theirs.

You will keep giving more, understanding more, forgiving more, and accepting less than you deserve, hoping that one day they will finally choose you.

But you cannot build your life around waiting to be chosen.

Make yourself a priority. Not because you don’t love them. Not because you don’t care. But because you matter too.

You can love someone deeply and still stop abandoning yourself for them.

The moment you begin choosing yourself, you stop begging others to see your worth.

After 50 years of heavy drinking my sister in law has been diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver, a severe hiatal hernia, erosion of the esophagus, and a variety of other physical and mental problems.

I didnt have much of a reaction to this because I got into AA and AlAnon 36 years ago and I have seen the same script play out many times before. Slow motion suicide and social isolation. Just like cancer, heart disease, and all the rest. Fortunately, she and her husband never had any kids.

She is so mean and conceited that I would never think of 12 Stepping her. Her primary care physician tried to refer her, but she would have no part of it.

Back to the script. She is moving on to controlled drinking to deal with things. Putting on the brakes. She also mixes non-alcoholic drinks for herself so she can keep up with her drinking buddies on the surface.

There are just some train wrecks you can't prevent or clean up after.

I feel like have nowhere else to go deal with this issue.

I have a problem reacting to my wife’s drinking. I always say the wrong things and come back to my insecurities. I feel so betrayed when she gets blackout drunk or hides her drinking or any of the million things that trigger me, being a child of a raging alcoholic. I don’t drink. I used to, but I realised, I do not even like the buzz or the feeling of being drunk. It’s never worth it for me. I am always surprised how much she enjoys it and how reckless she is on the bender. I was always surprised when my father did that too.

For context - we’ve been married for almost 20 years. The start was quite rocky and it apparently gave me wounds that open frequently. She lied to me quite a few times in the beginning and said very hurtful things when we fought. Few times she lied about her relations with other men too. When we fought, we fought over my jealousy, distrust etc and I need to take my chunk of blame here. Trust is difficult. And I feel she’s way out of my league, so why should she be faithful, right?

But I sometimes feel I had reasons to be jealous or simply feel not taken into consideration. The fights were about saying she was somewhere else when in fact she was with her ex (supposedly chatting). Or about wrapping a night out at her female friend’s place with 2 other guys also there. Or about late night text messages from a coworker (it’s just memes). Or, in the end coming home blackout drunk from a work night out after chatting the whole night with a guy in an open marriage looking for options and thanking him for a great night out the following day. I feel like in these situations I was not a factor. As in there was not a thought like: oh, it’s probably not fair to my husband. It’s always rather: he’s not going to dictate where I can go and with whom.

Now, when she drinks and does dumb stuff, I always come back to these issues instead of actually focusing on what matters. And last time I said something really dumb, in lines of: I know you did something in the past, I feel it, you’ve been in too many of those uncomfortable situations and you are super flirty when buzzed, you get blackout drunk as well so you need to admit what you did. I am not taking another apologies until you do.

This is so ridiculous. I shouldn’t have said that. I never should say anything like this, but with the trust gone, I am just spiralling and go to my darkest fears. That’s not even the real issue and the next time we speak, we will start with the fact that she has enough of my controlling behaviors and I will have to end up apologizing, instead of focusing on her drinking and putting herself in potentially dangerous situations. And after a brief sober period, we will end up in the same fight after she will have overdone it.

How do you deal with that? We all have so much built up living with an addict, and it must be difficult to separate the issues and discuss only what matters - the addiction is the root, everything else follows. Do you have any advice?

My bf and I both have struggled with alcohol. I am 4 months sober and he is 2.5 as of yesterday. He's been stressed about not drinking the last couple weeks. Id remind him that I'm not his mom, it's his choice to drink but to remind himself of how it impacted our relationship negatively, that i do not want this shit in my life anymore or date an alcoholic, that i will hold him responsible for the consequences of drinking again, and if he really wants to open that can of worms, etc and he'd say "You're right, I'm not going to drink."

Que to last night, he has his childhood friend in town he hasn't seen in years. He texts me "Would you be okay if I had a few beers tonight?" I felt a pit drop in my stomach and was so disappointed, but I texted back "I'm okay if it's just a few ans doesn't turn into 14." I really dislike being put in the position of him asking me permission to relapse. I maybe should have said "No" or handled that differently but made my boundary clear.

So we have a bonfire in the yard with lots of friends, I join with a fruit smoothie and it's an alright time. I strongly dislike being sober around people who are drinking but it's tolerable. Then I notice he's getting beer after beer and it's getting late. I ask "You sure youre still just having a few?" He says "I've only had six." ONLY???? WTF? And I saw him take a shot of hard liquor so that puts him at 7. I say I'm going to bed. He says "Do you mind if I stay up a little bit later with my friend?" My mind is screaming "fuck no" but im not going to say that in front of 5 of our other friends. I instead say "Just a little bit later, id really like to go to bed with you and please dont make this a late night escapade." He also knows im on my period and physically/ emotionally fatigued.

I had a feeling it would not be a little later. I go to bed. Wake up to pee at 1:45am. He is not in bed. I go outside. He is stumbling and barely standing talking about how much he loves me. I'm immediately put off and ask if he's continued to drink this entire time. ​He says no but he is visibly shitfaced since I saw him earlier in the night. I say "You are visibly and obnoxiously drunk, there is no way you haven't been continually drinking. It's almost 2am and you have to get up for work at 7am." He insists on going back outside. At this point I'm fuming. ​

He comes in a half hour later stumbling into bed, wanting to cuddle. I shoo him off me and say "You and I need to talk about what a few means because we have different definitions." He says "I haven't drank in awhile" like that entitles him to get plastered. Im pissed. He snores like a fucking bear and also flops around violently in his sleep when he drinks. So for 3 hours he is rolling onto me, snoring, rolling off the bed, ripping the blankets off me, and otherwise keeping me up every 10-30 seconds. I get 3 hours of sleep the entire night.

Wake up and he's lovey-dovey. I'm obviously pissed. I tell him he said he'd have a few and violated my boundary, ruined my sleep and I hate his drinking. I also ask "be honest, theres no way you didnt continue to drink after i went to bed." He admits he had at least 3 more beers which puts him at at least 10. He cant even remember though and knowing him i'm guessing it was a lot more.

He apologizes but says "Sorry I just wanted one good night with my friend." Eyeroll. His friend is staying over a week and I tell him I never said you cant have fun with your friend but why does having fun require getting blackout drunk especially after we both specified only a few???? If he had texted me "Hey do you mind if I have 10+ beers and dont go to bed until 2am and keep you up all night while youre on your period and also have work in the morning?" Id have said fuck no. ​​​​

Oh, and he was 10 minutes late to work and unsurprisingly still buzzed when leaving for work.

I'm so fucking annoyed.

i just wanted to say thank you. i don’t post much but i find myself scrolling a lot. i often feel very alone in experiencing the consequences of someone else’s addiction and this group is such a valuable space for me. when i don’t have the words or courage to post, i look for your advice in other posts and comments. so, thank you for helping me in my most complicated and lonely moments

Hi I’m new, I made a post on another sub and was directed here. My MIL has a bad drinking and drug problem, it’s gotten to the point where she is convinced she’s at rock bottom and all she has left is her bf and their drugs. He treats her like shit and just uses her for money so they can both get more drugs and alcohol.

I’m at a breaking point, I can’t stand her anymore, the hurt she’s caused me, my partner, her own parents. We’ve tried being gentle and patient, we’ve tried being communicative, we’ve tried sending her resources, we’ve tried being very blunt and being tough when expressing to her how she’s hurting us. I’ve stopped giving her money since she never uses the money for what she says she’s going to and only uses it for her benders (she literally just messaged me for money as I’m typing this and is now lashing out at me for saying no)

I don’t want to give up on her, she’s the only parent my partner has left, she’s the only parental figure I have left too, but I don’t know what to do anymore. An intervention didn’t work, she just stormed out while cussing us all out, and she refuses to go to rehab. My partner and I have stopped enabling her, but she refuses to accept our help or help herself. There has to be something else we can do though, one last way to help her see reason. Please help.

(One of my Q's is an ex. We're long since over, and romantically I'm grateful to have moved on into a stable & healthy relationship.

I remained in contact with my Q for years after our breakup, in an attempt to remain friends. He used to drunkenly call me for relationship advice or to vent about whatever was going on with whoever he was dating at the time. We are no longer in contact.)

I want to warn the next woman against seeing his "potential". At the start, it might feel like a blossoming romance, but he will never see you as anything more than a distraction from his shame. You represent the man he wants to believe he could still mature into - as long as you do all of the work, of course.

He'll have you believe that he's a tortured artist, a sharp wit, a good guy having a tough time. All he wants is to make his tough time your own, give you full custody, and then throw up his hands in bewilderment when you fail to "fix" it.

You were supposed to save him, don't you know? But not by supporting his healthy choices, not by nagging about unkept promises, not by noticing his patterns and trying to help him up out of that pit of despair. You're meant to save him with the power of your love alone.

He is the protagonist, you see. His struggle with himself is romantic and heroic and you, lucky you, you get to play a supporting role in his epic tale! Just stroke his hair and clean up his mess and applaud the bare minimum adult behavior with tears of gratitude welling up in your eyes.

I've moved from the stage into the audience now. And when I take his calls, he tells me about you. He speaks of you in glowing terms, like "I like her alright", and "I think she wants something more serious but I don't think we're really compatible." He gushes about how you've got your life together which is what he needs right now. How flattering that he's putting his chaos into your capable hands.

Soon enough, you will happen upon your leading man drunk and ranting to himself in his underwear at 4am. Or you will find him unconscious in his car with no memory of the night before. Or maybe he'll show up to your home 3 hours late, too inebriated to string 2 sentences together.

And I hope against hope that you wake up sooner than later to the fact that he will not allow himself to be saved. As long as he has you in his life, he will use you as evidence that his drinking "isn't that bad". In his own twisted reality, if things were really *that bad*, he wouldn't have you in his bed. In the end, this is your true value to him. Just like the last woman, and the one before, and the one before.

You deserve so much more than to be used as his fig leaf. I wish I could warn you and the women before you, as earnestly as I wish someone could have warned me.

*Edit: I will say again here that I am no longer in contact with this person or anyone associated with him. No advice is needed. I am reflecting on/venting about the past.

I (36) am not 100% sure if husband(36) is an alcoholic. I’m new here/ have no experience with alcoholics.

Why I suspect he is an alcoholic:

• Drinks multiple times a week alone or with friends
• Serious family history of alcoholism
• A triple or quad hard drink is like a single to him
• Sometimes has over 30 drinks per evening
• Can‘t just have 1 or 2 drinks
• I have raised concerns- he says he doesn’t have a problem because he can not have drinks for a week at a time
• Says he will quit- I have found bottles hidden around the house. Will quit for a week max then start up again
• Emotionally unstable when drunk. Crying, yelling, screaming etc just a bizarre troubled individual when under influence
  
• Not violent towards me just embarrassing and annoying to be around
• Drinks and drives
• Smells like booze all the time... I’m assuming he doesn’t realize his stench when waking up and going out???

He always makes it to work/ obligations so very high functioning.

He just got a new job in sales and I’m terrified as he has an expense card for dining and drinking with clients. I believe this will be really really bad for him. He has always worked in office a job that normalizes drinking I imagine will not be good for him.

Anyway; been reading alcoholism is progressive so this is going to get worse. I’ve been considering a divorce as I just don‘t see a future here with a drunk. I just found out I am pregnant and I really do not trust him to be helping with a baby and am worried and how bad he will progress over the years.

Help.