r/whatdoIdo • u/Iwananewmom • 2h ago
Should I still fly my mother out after she is being demanding for no reason?
My(33F) mom (62) is coming to visit my family and I in a few weeks. I am the one booking her ticket and finalizing all of the plans. My husband and I will be paying for her ticket, checked bags and all. We live about 1 and a half to two hours from Denver airport. We have a closer airport to our home, literally 5 minutes from us- and even though its a tad bit more expensive, it would be so much easier on me as a mother of a toddler to go to the airport closest to us, as my husband works regular business hours.
I sent a ticket to my mother, to see if the time and such worked for her; $400 total round trip give or take. It was leaving the airport that's closest to her home although like us, she has a bigger airport near her where the ticket would be cheaper. No problem for us, though.
I just got off the phone with her, and she pissed me straight the fuck off and I am probably being way too harsh..but, she sent me a different ticket after days of her trying to find someone to watch her dog, and reschedule a doctors appointment. I saw that she put the arriving airport to be the Denver airport. It is also arriving at 4pm, which is better than nighttime, but traffic in Denver at that time is insane- especially around the airport.
I told her that the ticket we sent her made the most sense, in every possible way. She then said she had a bum-knee, which I had never heard of her complain about before; and the ticket we picked out wouldn't work for her as there is a connecting flight and she would have to walk all over the airport to catch her connecting flight. (Which the layover is a little over an hour for, she would have time to walk there with no issue for time) I told her I would set up for an attendant to assist her with a wheelchair if need be, and she said no, that the flight from Chicago was on a "puddle jumper" and those planes make her feel unsafe.
The entire purpose of this trip is for her to see and spend time with our daughter. She is poor, we don't really have it like that but we want our daughter to see and spend time with her grandmother. She has visited a total of 4/5 times, of which each time we paid for her to travel; AND she has pulled this shit and made everything a headache.
Am I overreacting if I just say, "maybe next time" and forget about her coming out here at all? I just feel as if it is just entitlement, and I don't want to give in again and change up our plans AGAIN especially when I don't have to.
ETA- She is a retired flight attendant, lol she is no stranger to air travel. She has been a control freak my entire life, even re-arranging my house and taking over when she visits.
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u/Jacey_T 2h ago
"Ok Mom, we'll pay for that ticket but you'll have to make your own way to us from the airport cos I can't get to Denver airport with a toddler at that time. If you can't make it work. Don't worry, we'll try again another time."
Then leave it with her. If you just say that you're not driving to Denver airport, what can she do? Other than bitch a bit/a lot. But at least that's at the end of the phone.
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u/papageek 2h ago
I have never seen a lot of traffic at Denver Airport when you compare to others like JFK, LAX, even Seattle. If you really don’t like traffic, have them take a train to a less busy station.
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u/NextBluejay6498 1h ago
Have you ever driven in Denver? This has to be a joke. Im a Denver transport from California. Well traveled for work and pleasure. Traffic very much so sucks just as bad in the city of Denver, as well as around the airport, as other major cities.
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u/papageek 1h ago
I have never seen 470 stop and go, same with 70. On the other hand 5 is always stop and go in Seattle and LA. Pena can be a bit slow especially during construction but nothing like the airports I mentioned above.
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u/NextBluejay6498 1h ago
Did you drive once?
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u/papageek 1h ago
I fly out of Denver just about every week. Mainly to Seattle, LA, and NYC all of which are gridlocked most times. I live south of the Denver airport.
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u/NextBluejay6498 1h ago
Give me that route so I can take it. I have had to leave an hour and a half early to make my work commute which is ~50 minutes w/o traffic. Even thought the speed lane would help so i got the pass for E470
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u/papageek 1h ago
I take 470 north to Pena. OP lives 1.5 to 2 hours from Denver which means they can drive around Denver.
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u/Remarkable-Echo-1189 1h ago
I love how the only thing you had to add to this post was arguing over traffic. Lmao if it was only 20 mins away but inconvenient for OP, she has every right to still get aggravated.
Also, fuck Denver traffic. Lmao I came to red rocks and the traffic was NOT easy. But im used to Atlanta so maybe thats why?
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u/papageek 1h ago
I used to go to Atlanta a lot, then drive up Scientific Atlanta in Lawrenceville. Lots more traffic.
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u/Remarkable-Echo-1189 1h ago
See this is strange to me because I always have issues in DEN vs ATL. But I am used to ATL because I live there.
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u/papageek 1h ago
I think the difference for me is the interchanges are a bit backed up (beyond the exit sign) in Atlanta and if you are not used to it (gps fixes it now) I would have a hard time getting to the exit. I haven’t seen this off 470. I haven’t had to come from the west during rush times so maybe that’s different. From North or South is pretty easy as long as you take 470.
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u/Iwananewmom 2h ago
probably true, but I am from Laurens, South Carolina. Any traffic is enough to put the natives of that rural town into shock lol
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u/Save_The_Wicked 2h ago
"You want to walk for the layover, or pay for the Uber from Denver to our house?"
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u/Bean_Supreme33 2h ago
What kind of relationship do you have with her?
Please don’t take this as a negative thing. Do you value the relationship enough to inconvenience yourself? Is this a relationship ship, where you really don’t care if she comes or not? If you really want to see her, don’t be turned off by the inconvenience part of it. In one way or another, families inconvenience themselves all the time. It all depends on where you place the value.
I go out of my way for my children all the time. I hope that in 20 years, they will do the same for me.
I think you’ll be fine whatever you decide. Just be respectful and minimize the conflict.
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u/Iwananewmom 2h ago
she's a shitty mother, always has been. I moved across the country to get away from her, then had a child and I wanted her to have a grandma. id like to think shed just stuck it up to see her grandchild, but maybe I am meant to just endure her antics forever, lol.
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u/Bean_Supreme33 2h ago
Then don’t compromise. Tell her you made the arrangements and that’s what they are. I would definitely wait for her response before buying the ticket though. That way if you would have canceled it, you won’t lose any money.
I have shitty parents too. The best thing is that you now have a guide book on everything not to do as a parent.
Personally, I deal with my parents a simple way. The door will always be open, but I’m not waiting for them to walk through it.
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u/ValueReads 2h ago
She's an adult make her do this herself and YOU accept if you want to but she's literally a choosy beggar at this point once she refused your plans
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u/amberallday 2h ago
Surely it’s as simple as: if you arrive at (local airport) then we can probably collect you, depending on timings. If you arrive at Denver airport then you’ll need to arrange your own travel from there to here. Let me know which you plan to do.
Leave it there. Refuse to get involved in arranging her onwards travel (other than passing her on any favourite local taxi companies if you have them).
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u/GlasswaterBotanica 2h ago
It's a headache sure, but that's your mom. I wouldn't back out, but would mention how I feel about the whole thing. That's your mother, after all.
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u/Remarkable-Echo-1189 2h ago
Some peoples moms are shitty, dude.
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u/GlasswaterBotanica 2h ago
If that were the case, why have her in your home, around your child? I'm not confident that is the situation here. Difficult and inconsiderate? Sure
It's not something worth breaking my child and mother's heart over imo
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u/Remarkable-Echo-1189 1h ago
Moms and dads can be shitty to their children, but be great grandparents. I have this experience. Its not hard for these kinds of things to happen.
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u/GlasswaterBotanica 1h ago edited 1h ago
Right, I can relate to that with my parents, but also my family. So I am currently renting my childhood home for the next 5yrs. I live alone, but my brother stays with me biweekly, to see his kids that live in my city. His fiance also comes, and brings her daughter, sometimes son.
They're messy, and in the past the kids would tear shit up. This routine started when my folks lived here, but they haven't been here in nearly a year. They'll bring groceries, but use my detergents, soap/shampoo, paper towels, etc. They treat my things, as if they were my parent's, and as if their mess will magically clean itself.
This week my nephew was dropped off before everyone gets here, and says "wow, it looks good here, it's so clean" and then goes on to tell me that he overheard my brother's gf say on the way "it's probably going to be a mess with just your brother there", and it really pissed me off. The house is a 2 1/2 story, 3bdr, 2 bath. My work schedule is busy, and any spare time I have, it's working/cleaning the house. It's a ton of work, but it's always clean. This mfer treats my house like a bed & breakfast for her kids, while she lays around too stoned to do much else, much less clean after herself.
Every ounce of me wanted to tell them to get a hotel, if it's not good enough for her here. Instead, I just let it slide. I don't dislike her, and i'd rather not make things uncomfortable for my brother, or nephews.
It's a shitty arrangement, but I am grateful to see my nephews for the weekend, so I take the loss of cleaning a bit after them. I'm glad my brother can spend quality time with them. I've spoken to my brother about the cleaning issue before, and he's been better about it. Those outweigh the cost of inconvenience.
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u/Plaidismycolor33 2h ago
all of that are reasons i dont fly my parent to see us.
my mother is asian and got pissed because they didnt have “rice” in the meals they were offering on a flight.
i enjoy my peace of mind and we go see her when we can
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u/anacondatmz 2h ago
Next time she wants to visit, tell her this is the amount you can afford to pay for her travel.
Explain that arranging travel for her is always a pain in the ass. This time, she's in charge of her own travel plans, etc and she can do whatever she wants. But she's only getting X amount from ya. Anything beyond that is on her.
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u/BlessedOverDeath 2h ago
So the original purpose of this appears to be for your daughter mainly. So she can spend time with your mom.
Your mom is being difficult for sure and is not grasping the concept of being grateful for the assistance you’re giving her.
And it’s making you mad.
However, you have to think of it like this, it’s for your daughter not you. So it really depends if you are willing to accommodate the inconveniences for the sake of your daughter to spend time with her grandmother.
So I would say yes bend the knee in this circumstance. I have two toddlers myself 1 and 2. And have very difficult grandparents. But i always think about how much my kids love their grandparents it makes it worth it.
Good luck! Family is so much fun isn’t it? Haha
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u/Spiritual_Trust_5118 2h ago
If my daughter was paying for my plane ticket & providing transportation, it would be nothing but gratitude and excitement to spend time with my family. Driving that long with toddler in traffic is a nightmare & convenience for YOU is all that matters. I’d set a firm boundary that she takes what she gets and doesn’t throw a fit. PS. If I could have an airport attendant help me get to my connecting gate I’d feel like a VIP
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u/BigWeinerDemeanor 2h ago
You could just not pick her up from the airport. “Mum we can pick you up from close airport but if you fly in to Denver then you will have to get an uber out here.” I can’t call her the asshole for having reasons that your itinerary didn’t work for her. Not wanting a connection and staff and a tiny plane is fair enough. I can’t call you the asshole for her itinerary not suiting you. It sucks that she chose the far airport but that’s only your problem if you decide it’s your job to fix it. You can either find a compromise and let your kids have grandma time or not.
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u/yourpaleblueeyes 2h ago
You're angry with Mom because she won't do everything Your way. It Is annoying but geez, she's your mom and daughters grandma.
I think sometimes you adult children don't realize Mom is no longer 40 or 50 and everything is a bit harder for her now.
Cut her some slack and remember, soon she may not be there anymore to Get pissed off at.
If its easier, wait until you're in a patient mood and then kindly tell her the local airport is just more convenient- I have heard about the hellish traffic in Denver! - but speak with her kindly, like you would an average person.
Mom is getting older, for just one moment, think how life feels on her end. Sure she's not a saint but she loves you and your family. Try to make the visit happy.
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u/ErnestBatchelder 2h ago
I'm going to suggest that if she pulls shit like this every time, there is a root cause, but it isn't necessarily trying to fuck with you, although it does fuck with you. Nervous traveler? Control freak? We don't know the entirety of your relationship; maybe she has been like this your whole life, maybe it is getting worse now. I will say- I am an anxious traveler, and if I could avoid a layover flight or a smaller plane, I will. I'd also, however, be very grateful to a daughter paying for my travel, and discuss this stuff ahead of time.
Does your daughter enjoy time with her, and is your mom kind and good to her when she visits? Because that matters. 60 is young, but it's old enough that everything from here on out can go downhill.
You need to put down in writing (text or email) what your boundaries are here; let your mom decide if she wants to respect them and come on the visit, or let her know maybe it's best to reschedule at a later date if that doesn't work for her. Keep it short and clear; don't bog things down.
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u/Iwananewmom 2h ago
She is a retired flight attendant lol, I will edit my post to add that. It is her being a control freak, 100%
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u/ErnestBatchelder 1h ago
I mean, does your daughter enjoy time with her? Also, being a retired flight attendant doesn't mean she doesn't hate being on those smaller planes? Next time, give her a budget and tell her to get a cab and make her own arrangements; you will contribute x amount. She doesn't like it, then you have your answer.
I understand being burnt out, believe me. But the question is if you want this relationship for your kid or not, then decide how you will handle it moving forward. Clearly she's never going to be the mom you want. Can she be a grandma?
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u/Rough_Joke5701 2h ago
As soon as I started reading this I knew mom was going to be avoiding layovers. My mom keeps insisting she wants to visit my sister with 2 toddlers. The direct flight would take her to a large city 2 hours away, and the airport 30 minutes away would have a layover. She keeps talking about the big airport and I keep telling her how inconsiderate she is to think making a 4 hour round trip with toddlers is better than her having a layover. Fwiw, if they can’t handle a layover the aren’t going to deal with finding ground transportation.
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u/NextBluejay6498 2h ago
Your mom sounds like mine. A nightmare to deal with, so I dont deal with her.
Like you said, you tried to find a solution to every issue she had with the trip and it wasnt enough. She can sit her ass at home.
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u/SnooMacarons3689 2h ago
I wouldn’t let my mother anywhere near my children. Hilarious because she’s been a public school teacher for 25 years.
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u/Penya23 2h ago
I dont get this, if she was a FA, why TF are you doing all the travel planning?
Sorry, but no. If SHE wants to visit, she can plan her own trip, including commuting to and from the airport.
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u/Iwananewmom 2h ago
Its mainly for us to pick the times that best fit our schedules, and since we are footing the bill
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u/_Useful_Researcher_ 1h ago
Others have offered better comments for rest of the post but if someone really has a “bum knee” a layover of little over an hour is probably not enough. Incoming could get delayed especially if it is a “puddle jumper”.
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u/Iwananewmom 1h ago
I can 100% guarantee she doesnt have a bum knee, she is literally leaving to go to my sisters house tomorrow to see her grandson/my nephew and is taking him to a water park.
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u/Iwananewmom 1h ago
Also, just adding as im thinking- but say she does have a bum knee. She is choosing to take my nephew and walk around a waterpark with him, but not willing to in about a month walk across an airport to a connecting flight. And that’s if she doesn’t want a wheelchair. Someone could push her I would’ve set that up for her.
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u/Opinionated6319 1h ago
Sounds like you helped create the mommy issue by enabling her behavior. She is demanding, rearranges your house, is u pleasant! Not my idea of a good time visit. And she was an airline attendant! Airlines go out of their way to accommodate patrons especially if they need help to get to a connecting flight! ✈️ Didn’t she have a 401 account or pension?
Also, kids learn by example! Time to establish some mommy boundaries with consequences and follow through, but with discussion and unconditional love! 💕Good practice for raising a child, too! 🤭😉
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u/Hot-Freedom-5886 44m ago
Sounds like she wants her way! I’d probably beg off.
“Sorry we weren’t able to make it work. Maybe your knee will be better next year.”
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u/lilac_spells 2h ago
I would preserve this ticket and if she gets on the flight is up to her. You will make no changes or accommodations besides contacting the airport for assistance to her gates.
The next time this comes I would suggest a couple of things, “a firm price” like an allowance for the flight, then if she feels so compelled for a nicer flight or a non layover flight she can pay the difference.
Say something like “we only have this amount to spend” I would also say that regarding how much time she is allowed to stay. Your mom is demanding and it’s your choice to put up with her but if she’s only terrible for travel it could just be anxiety mis managed and taken out on you. If she’s terrible while she’s with you, and treats you poorly in front of your children I would just keep it to face time.
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u/FluffySpecialist8936 2h ago
NOR. Beggars can’t be choosers. Since you are paying, you should 100% do what is most convenient for you. I was able to both get a gate pass to and from when my grandma arrived / left to get her and I only did that so she could see my face. There is someone to assist her from the second she steps out of the car all the way to the drop off of the new car. Time is money
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u/Flat-Replacement4828 2h ago
It's MASSIVE entitlement. You're putting in so much effort into planning this plus freaking paying for it. I can't imagine her attitude would somehow be different in person.
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u/Gullible-Weather308 2h ago
How badly do you want her to see your daughter and spend time with her? She is acting entitled but what you do depends on how much you want her to come.
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u/Chroma7769 2h ago
I don't think you are overreacting at all.
It sounds like she is trying to take advantage of your generosity.
If that were my mom (who I love very much mind you) I would tell her, "that's fine, but you will need to arrange your own transportation here to the house, as this doesn't work logistically with our schedules."
If she says no, then tough shit. Maybe next time.