r/whatdoIdo • u/DowntownRegret6436 • 11h ago
My boyfriend of 1.5 years went on a trip, crossed every boundary with a girl he met a week ago, and claims he "didn't realize it was cheating
I don’t even know where to start. My heart and my life feel like they’ve shattered into a million pieces.
Up until a week ago, my boyfriend (1.5 years together) was the most loving, caring, and wonderful partner I could have ever asked for. Just the day before he left, he surprised me at work out of nowhere just to see me. I felt so loved and secure.
Then he left for a trip to the mountains with his friends, staying at a buddy’s apartment. Almost immediately, everything flipped 180 degrees. He completely started ignoring me. He pulled away, barely replied to my messages, and left me feeling like I was losing my mind. I knew in my gut that something was horribly wrong.
When he finally came back, he acted distant and cold, as if he was waiting for me to break up with him. He had two full days to come clean or talk to me, but he stayed silent. Finally, I pressed him, and the truth came out.
He admitted that while on the trip, he stayed close to a girl he literally met a week ago (who is visiting from abroad and leaves in a week). He confessed to:
Sleeping right next to her while holding her hand.
Going on evening walks with her, holding hands.
Cuddling with her and having her sit on his lap.
Emotional intimacy that went far beyond "friendship."
He looked me in the eye and told me he thinks he "likes her" and felt a "spark" with her - a spark he claims had faded between us.
At first, he acted cold. He said he wanted to break up, that he didn't deserve a second chance, and that he didn't even want one. Then, his story shifted, and he started claiming that "it wasn't actually cheating."
Now, he’s spiraling and spamming me with horribly long messages begging for forgiveness. He says he suddenly realized what he lost, apologizing profusely, and literally told me he "destroyed his house for a night in a hotel." He is begging for another chance and claims that while it was happening, he didn't realize what he was doing or view it as cheating.
To me, this is both physical and emotional cheatin, and the emotional betrayal hurts ten times worse. I feel so much disgust thinking about how he could do this after everything we built. That he could bond like that with some other girl that he wont see ever again.
I’m completely lost. Cheating has always been an absolute dealbreaker for me, but I’m struggling to process this:
Is it even possible for someone to "not realize" this was cheating, or is that just a pathetic excuse to shift guilt?
How do I actually leave when I know in my head I have to, but my heart physically can't bring itself to let go?
Is giving a second chance in a situation like this ever realistic, or am I just holding onto the ghost of who he used to be?
I feel sick to my stomach and just need some honest advice or perspective from people who have been through this.
TL;DR: My loving boyfriend of 1.5 years went on a trip, held hands, slept next to, and cuddled another girl he met a week ago. He claimed he felt a "spark," initially wanted to break up, then denied it was cheating, and is now begging for forgiveness saying he regrets "destroying his house for a night in a hotel." I feel broken and don't know how to walk away.
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u/Theresgoldinthis 11h ago
The girl lost interest now that the fog has lifted, and she has no interest in anything long distance.
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u/milliegm_2003 11h ago
There’s no way he didn’t sleep with her he is giving you the watered down version now she’s gone and the dopamine hit has left. Leave him he is trash. He will do it again.
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u/Any_Sheepherder2392 5h ago
Exactly. He knew it was wrong, that is why he waited until he got caught to admit anything.
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u/Feline_Fine3 3h ago
Exactly, I would bet the woman he was with stopped responding to him or has been distant, and he suddenly realizing he doesn’t want to be alone
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u/No-Blood-7274 11h ago
Whether he thinks it’s cheating or not doesn’t matter. Saying or doing anything with another girl in secret that he wouldn’t do in front of you is cheating.
I don’t know how old you are or how wrapped up in eachother a lives you are but I think cut your losses.
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u/Blue_buttercup_ 3h ago
This is what I told my now husband when we first started dating. My definition of cheating is doing anything you wouldn’t do with me sitting right there. If you feel like you’re getting caught if I were to walk in, it’s not ok.
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u/Mathius5315 11h ago
Relationships mean commitment. Pursuing a "spark" you encounter outside of it is absolutely cheating.
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u/DowntownRegret6436 11h ago
If he didnt pursue any physical interactions with her i think i mightve forgave him but feeling that spark and going into it is i think the end for me
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u/ExchangePrimary7501 5h ago
As it should be. It's gonna be tough, but say goodbye. That is forever gonna tarnish that relationship. You will always have doubts and live with trust issues with him. He wouldn't even have any interest in any other woman if he loved you. This is also only 1.5 years in. Imagine down the line. You will end up very unhappy of you stick it out. Do what's best for you, but please stick to your guns. You know the right thing to do for yourself here.
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u/babyirishkitty 1h ago
I kind of disagree. People feel "sparks" All the time, regardless of how much they love their partner. The respectful way to handle that in a monogamous relationship is to not pursue it though, and to actively put up strong boundaries to prevent temptation, misbehavior, and getting too close emotionally. Other than that though, I agree with you 100%. 1.5 years in is still somewhat the honeymoon period, if he disrespects her like this now, it would likely only get worse.
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u/Motor-Class-8686 1h ago
I'm meant to be feeling sparks with other men? Nobody told me that!
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u/babyirishkitty 1h ago
🤷🏻♀️ how people love is a spectrum, if you never feel sparks towards anyone other than your partner, that's awesome. It's not uncommon for people to not have that experience though, and how they handle it says a lot about them as a person
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u/MiloCaster 11h ago
Stay strong and stay away, if uit takes you leaving to remind him of the spark then he isn't the right person for you.
TBF he sounds like a ass clown. You know what you are doing and I bet my last penny he wouldn't do any of that with a male friend.
Get hime gone and move on.
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u/themrmu 11h ago
Leave him he will likely do it again. Also once trust is broken its hard to get it back. I know this is a the cliche reddit answer but sometimes its the right answer.
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u/DowntownRegret6436 11h ago
I know it is a right answer, he also cheated before on his ex, in a very similar way. But then he kissed someone else, now he claims that he didnt do it.
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u/rainbwbrightisntpunk 3h ago
Girl run. Stop questioning him and yourself. He showed you who he is. Find someone better
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u/Flux_My_Capacitor 10h ago
So you thought you’d be different?
Have you learned your lesson?
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u/DowntownRegret6436 10h ago
Love does weird things to people. I didnt though i would be different I just fell in love, you cant really stop that from happening
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u/babyirishkitty 1h ago
You can't, but you can choose yourself over romantic love. It's difficult but doable, one of those is making sure that they don't break your established lines in the sand. Do you know what your immediate hard nos and yellow flags are? What you will leave for immediately if you find out, and what you will require really good reasoning and proper accountability for?
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u/UserNotFound23498 11h ago
He is lying. Lying. LYING.
also. Cheating is a personality defect. Given the same situation, he will do the same thing again.
How many times are you going to let him cheat on you before you say no more!
I know it’s painful as fuck. It’s like a sucker punch to the gut. Your heart is actually in pain.
I can only tell you. It will get better. Promise.
Good luck
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u/violetorchid31 11h ago
Girl, listen to me...I know it's not simple, but...leave. If he did it once, he can do it again. I don't say it's simple or that you won't suffer, because you will. But, if you take him back, he'll think he can do it again, since you'll take him back once again. Block him, if you can start anew in another part of the city or in another city, and slowly work yourself up. I'm so sorry it happened to you. You can write to me in private, if you ever feel the need to vent.
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u/Flux_My_Capacitor 10h ago
He already did it before, with his ex. OP was in denial that he would do it to her.
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u/definitelytheA 6h ago
“How do I actually leave when I know in my head I have to, but my heart physically can't bring itself to let go?”
You leave because you know that there’s no justification for his actions, no matter how many walls of text he sends you. This was not an accident.
You leave because you realize you are not his priority, and he is unable to feel any empathy for you. Even his apologies are all about him.
You leave because you know there’s a good chance this will repeat, but he’ll have gotten better at hiding it.
You leave, because no matter how much this hurts you now, it will hurt more when you realize you tacitly agreed to take a chance it would happen again. It will still not be any fault of yours, but you’ll be angry that you left yourself vulnerable to repeat.
It’s okay to put yourself first. It’s okay to not tolerate that kind of behavior. It’s okay to feel sad that he wasn’t who he pretended to be.
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u/DowntownRegret6436 6h ago
Thank you
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u/Carvemynameinstone 5h ago
Homegirl.
My wife of 9 year cheated on me 2 years ago. I took her back because she was pregnant with our third.
Now, half a year ago, I got diagnosed and went under surgery for cancer.
Guess what she did during my surgery?
Once they cheat, and you take them back, you've already allowed a boundary. It's almost impossible for them to not allow themselves another go at cheating. Because you took them back the first time, right, why not the next time?
Be honest, and respectful to yourself. End this.
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u/definitelytheA 5h ago
You’re welcome, and I realized I’ve forgotten really important point:
You leave because you realize he cannot possibly love you the way he claims and do this to you.
Ask yourself if you could’ve done it to him, and there’s your answer.
I’m sorry you’re hurting. Many of us have been right where you are, but the bright side is that if you learn anything from this, it will be that you learn this is a hard line you’ll never let anyone cross with you again without walking away.
Hugs, sweetheart.
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u/babyirishkitty 11h ago
- It doesn't matter whether he realized or not personally. In fact, I'd say it's worse if he actually didn't realize because those are very obviously not okay in a monogamous relationship unless you've discussed it prior and agreed to it being okay. Him not realizing would either mean a lack of critical thinking skills, a lack of awareness of his own actions, or a lack of care towards the relationship. That being said, I don't believe he didn't know based on his behavior towards you.
- It takes one moment of courage and the strength to not cave once you've said it. Compose the message so it's ready to send the next time you have a moment of courage. Send it, double think after.
- Infidelity is extremely difficult to come back from. If the cheating partner takes accountability and puts a lot of work in, and the partner who was cheated on allows them to try, it can be overcome for some couples. But it doesn't sound like he's taking accountability at all, just making excuses. I really don't like being the person to say there's no chance but...you should protect your heart, his behavior doesn't indicate that he would do anything but hurt you again.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, and things will get easier to bear. I just went through a breakup myself, it's awful but survivable. Main thing is to acknowledge that you don't deserve that treatment, and to tell yourself everyday that you're prioritizing you. You deserve someone who prioritizes you, and if he can't do that, he should hit the curb.
Edit: also stereotypical cheating partner advice, but get an STD test just in case, for your safety and well being
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u/PrangingOut 7h ago
He tried to pursue her, she rejected him, and now he’s coming crawling back to you. Please, for your own self worth, leave this loser, you deserve better ❤️
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u/Zzzzavfc 11h ago
He's done it once, he'll do it again. My advice (iknow it hurts) but get out while you can. Do you really want to carry on with someone who disrespected you like this? he broke your trust. This is 100% cheating. That trash took itself out baby.
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u/Green-Jellyfish81 5h ago
He slept with her. Trust me. Don’t take him back. You will never be the same if you stay
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u/fckmaga 5h ago
Girl, if he broke a boundary of yours, leave and never look back. I’d bet the girl stopped talking to him.
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u/Moist-Preference-204 3h ago
I bet his friends told her he had a gf and she rejected him after she found out
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u/milliegm_2003 11h ago
And he did this all in front of his friends? Great friends they are. All not trustworthy. Wonder how many other girls were there and who else hooked up. Feel sorry for all the girlfriends.
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u/DowntownRegret6436 11h ago
Yeah, i even called and asked his best friend and he didnt have the balls to tell me what he was doing, while everyone saw them sleeping in the same bed holding hands.
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u/rocketmn69_ 9h ago
He said the spark faded between you 2. Please leave him, no matter how hard it is. Block him everywhere
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u/browneyebunny 5h ago
Please grow a back bone and leave this guy. He cheated point blank period. He can keep begging for forgiveness, it won’t change what he did
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u/FearlessBanana81 11h ago
This is horrible and he is scum for doing this. If course it hurts, you've been utterly betrayed, but you know that none of this is ok, and it is cheating. You really have to find a way to make the break and walk away. Do you really want your life to be like this, and always be with someone you can never trust again?
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u/Enigma_Green 11h ago
The hand holding etc seems like he acted as if he didn't have a gf, no excuse thats just how it looks.
May seem innocent but its not.
Unfortunately I think you know yourself and for your bf to say he didnt realise cheating, be admitted be liked her also. Sad to say anything else on that note. He has alot to do if you were to keep the relationship at this point but it could also happen again for what he said about no spark.
If there is no spark from his side, he didnt think about finding ways to improve that or the biggest part is telling you this in the first place, I think its a bad excuse and everything you say cements that. I'm sorry.
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u/snowflaake 10h ago
If he acknowledged what he did, there would at least be a chance for him to change in the future. Personally, I still wouldn't let it slide or give him another chance. But saying he "didn't realize"? I don't buy it. He knew. Making excuses now doesn't mean he'll act differently the next time. As hard as it is, I think you should leave him and put yourself first.
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u/TemporaryOk2884 9h ago
You deserve a peaceful man who wants to build something that will outlast you both . A partner who you can trust deeply, who provides emotional safety and who you can be a part of a relationship that is nourishing , not draining and where love is chosen , not obligatory. Don’t make the mistake of over loving the most underwhelming people. Anyone who is willing to betray your trust is underwhelming. By accepting his obvious lies about sleeping with his side piece & keeping him around , he will see you as being weak & use that to do the same thing over and over again . Love yourself enough to put your needs first and go no contact. The pain is temporary , it’s not a life sentence . Turn your pain into power , you got this .
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u/Heavy_Bison2565 8h ago
When I’ve been cheated on I just say, ‘You can have her’ and walk away. It hurts but it’s better than being dragged through a relationship without respect. Even if he didn’t have sex (unlikely), even if he didn’t kiss her (unlikely) he held her hand, she sat on his lap, went for walks. He invited her in to take your place. Get rid of this horrible man.
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u/TroubaDad67 5h ago
You can’t see now how you can let go- I know that feeling. But after a couple of months of trying to figure out how to live with the betrayal you will realize one day that you don’t see him at all the same way. You won’t have a choice. I’ve seen it several times with women I know.
The loving, caring guy you loved is not your bf. MAYBE that guy could POSSIBLY make a terrible mistake and regret it and realize he still loves you but the guy you describe (“guy” I don’t say man) would never come home after and be cold and rude and treat you like shit and gaslight you and refuse to take responsibility AFTER horribly betraying you. That guy is not a good guy. Aside from being a cheater, even. That guy is a total piece of shit.
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u/AnaArg86 5h ago
DUMP. HIM.
Edit: Your boyfriend is not "loving". He's a cheater. Love and cheating are not compatible.
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u/ITSt3phani3 5h ago
He's lying to you. Full stop. He broke your trust and it may be even worse than you know. If you stay this sets the precedence for behavior you'll accept. He won't change, he will either get more blatant, or better at hiding. If he truly loved you and was committed to you it would have never happened. Let him go.
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u/Peachypinky1991 2h ago
As much as it will hurt to leave a relationship of 1.5 years, it will hurt much more to leave years later when he inevitably does this again. Now that he has done this to you and his ex, you know it’s a pattern he will continue. You deserve better, your forever person would never treat you like this.
Take it from someone who has been with a man like this, forgave him, and had him do it again later on (but much worse).
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u/throwawayeverynight 11h ago
Got long to read , but if he cross every boundary you have. He will do it again, the choose us yours if you want to stay I would walk away and move on.
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u/Recent-Detective-247 10h ago
Dump him, he’s either a cheater or so stupid he didn’t realise he was cheating…either way he’s not worth it.
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u/vinchenzo68 8h ago
The emotional affair that happened so quickly made him doubt everything as badly as you also doubt it. You may be the only responsible one in the relationship though, it appears he needs to do some growing up.
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u/Michelleandmocha 7h ago
Golden retrievers are still dogs, save yourself from the embarrassment and break up with him
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u/Odd-Combination5654 7h ago
So very sorry this happened to you. Such a heartbreaking situation. The trust is gone. Stay strong and move onto no contact. You will find someone better and more deserving. (I certainly did and am much happier now!)
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u/Valkire_36060 7h ago edited 7h ago
Queen, no. It's messed up already, fully by him, there is no recovery. Let me explain: If per say you forgive, consious or subconscious in his head you forgave him so he absolutely could and may do it in the future, because he would have a mental note, he got away with it. And also, the fact of the matter is, this is not a reliable person, if he felt the spark is gone the sequence of events should have been "1. tell you this. 2. Maybe try to fix this or just break up. 3. If broken up, have all of this with this girl. The facts are that he didn't let you go and only after hurting you "the spark went away". For me this reads as, that ni spark was lost, but he eanted to try what he didn't have, then as you where disgusted and he ztopped having you anymore, again...he wantes what he didn't have anymore, a.k. YOU. That is a man who WILL cheat again, right there. Someone who desires to have, but it can never be enough. Bloody run for the heels, absolutely not, you can choose to forgive but just by looking at the facts, its obvious it WILL not end well. Better hurt you now then lets say in 20-30 years time when you have children or have been together for ages, and he does it again,, cause now even if it feels hard to leave IS easier then later. You would also be setting a strict line in his brain that stuff like that is never forgiven, so maybe he can actually become a better person, unlikely, but possible, as if you don't forgive him (as, personal opnion, you absolutely should not) and move on, he will have to come with terms that cheating is not something that can be forgiven and ot has serious consequences. By forgiving him you are essentially enebling him that it's possible to recover from it, and I would be shocked if he doesn't do it again. 1.5years is not that long for someone to "loose the spark" either. That is crazy, keep in mind relationships, serious one are like 50 years plus, if he cannot respect you for just 1.5 years....he never will. If you expect to be together long term, with time, sparks do tend to fade slightly, its important to discuss and fix this with your partner if it happens. If their solution is to do this instead, you are essentially dooming yourself and by forgiving him, you are going to peobably miss on someone who you will meet in the future, who would respect and cherish you, and work on the problems along your lifetime, instead of hurting you. Do not waist the time you have to live in this planet on someone who cannot communicate clearly, would be tempted so easily, and would risk loosing you like it's nothing, chances are you will find someone who wouldn't ever do that to you, and I wouldn't risk you being trully happy with someone, for some pathetic idiot who treats life like a candy shop. Be brave, go through the pain of the heattbreak, so you wouldn't experience it again is my honest advice. Its hard but I know it would be worth it for you long term.
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u/SnekoLovesCakez 7h ago
The girl probably rejected him or found out about you, keep his ass a million years away from you. He knew what he was doing, I'm sorry. Good luck friend.
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u/itsnotKARENORKEVIN 7h ago edited 5h ago
I’m so sorry this happened. I’m so sorry for the pain you must feel, the confusion and betrayl. You are correct, it’s cheating, and both physical and emotional even if they didn’t have sex.
What bothers me the most is that he is minimizing it. He isn’t fully taking responsibility for what happened. If he had come forward and said “I made a terrible mistake, I cheated on you and I’m incredibly sorry,” I’d see where maybe this could be fixed with therapy and a lot of time. But cheating and than making you feel crazy for calling it what it is, that’s just not someone who I’d continue my life with.
Ultimately it’s your decision, and either will be difficult. The reality is that it won’t be the same. You’ll always wonder. You’ll always question.
I hope for the very best for you.
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u/RecognitionAntique 7h ago
i was in a similar situation with my ex - we had broken up but it was still fairly new & we agreed on not talking to anyone else yet .. it's easy to believe the dumbest stuff in the moment because you don't want to believe the bad stuff is true .. and men will only tell you the surface of things .. it's no way all they did was hold hands and he "really liked her" in such a short period of time
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u/muted_texan 7h ago
Hey OP,
I just broke up with my ex for the exact reason. He said he lost the spark. And while my ex did take accountability yours didn’t. He knew he was cheating nobody knows that they aren’t cheating. You’re not a drug that he can hit whenever he wants. You’re his partner. Don’t let him treat you like you’re anything less.
Whatever you do while I know it’s hard and that you love him. You deserve someone who loves you whole heartedly. And if they ever feel like the spark is lost they will communicate it and not act on those feelings. There will always be another spark. It’s not your job or responsibility to change him.
I wish you the absolute best and if you need more advice I’m here and feel free to dm as well.
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u/Practical_Plenty2113 6h ago
He probably tried his luck and it didnt go how he expected with the girl in question
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u/throwaway23222222 6h ago
I feel like more happened than just sleeping next to her and holding her hand. You need to leave him because if you don’t you’re inviting more of that bullshit your way and leaving now at 1.5 years is gonna hurt a lot less than having to do it later on when he cheats again (he will).
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u/Defiant_Pain3333 6h ago
So who's gonna tell OP that they didn't just hold hand?
OP nothing to salvage here. He cheated. Have some self respect and be done with him.
The end
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u/naturallyeyesblind 6h ago
Sounds like one of these guys who “can’t help themselves” and fall in love every corner they turn. Good enough for him, but that’s not boyfriend material. There are no second chances here unless you want that to happen again.
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u/vintage_jelly 6h ago
He realized that she lives abroad and that he prolly wouldn’t see her again or she told him it was just a one time thing and now he wants to come home to where it’s safe and familiar if they cheat once what’s to stop them from doing it again? You’ve already proven you won’t leave
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u/Ambitious_Trust7054 6h ago
They fucked. For sure. Sorry but they did. He is gaslighting you. Move on, better now than next time he does this.
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u/Glum_Angle_748 6h ago
The girl was visiting and was looking for some fun, he thought it might build into something thats why he was cold at first (this is me just assuming from experience specifically with people just visiting) then he realized its not going anywhere and probably she ghosted him or shifted from the intimate tone that was on the trip. So now he’s realizing how much he fucked up and working back on his sure thing. Sorry for the harsh analysis, i could be wrong in so many ways. But i feel sorry for you and hope you figure this out or move on fast.
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u/two_worlds_onesoul13 6h ago
For one he’s not telling the whole truth.
Second red flag he destroys his own things when mad.
Not only is he gaslighting and love bombing you but the only men I’ve EVER known that destroy their own property when angry end up as domestic abusers.
Every single one…..
He knows he’s wrong, he went on a trip and lied about who he was with, ignored you, cheated, came home and gave you the silent treatment until he knew he was caught and THEN wanted to end it.
She is going back to her home country and he knows she won’t be there for him to chase so he is settling with you because it’s comfortable and convenient.
You deserve better….really ask yourself now if this is who you want to be with, this type of person.
You have only been together for a year and a half, these behaviors will only get worse.
Next it will be threats to your things instead of just destroying his stuff and then it will be you he destroys.
Be kind to yourself and take a relationship pause and tell him you need time to think and really reevaluate where you are in life and if this is what you deserve, if he immediately goes and sleeps around or entertains other women you have your answer. He’s not even being honest with himself right now, much less you.
What he did WAS cheating, lying, manipulation and then gaslighting.
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u/wishingforarainyday 6h ago
Please get tested. He’s trickling out the truth to you. Highly likely he had sex with us her. This guy is an AH. You should be calling out his garbage friends too.if they have partners let them all know it was a hook up vacation not just fun with friends
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u/GrumpyRutabaga 5h ago
I believe I can help a bit, but it'd be writing a bible. Drop me a DM if you have the time
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u/No-Analysis7586 4h ago
the conversation of what constitutes disloyalty for you is one that could’ve and maybe should’ve been had prior to this incident.
people have different ideas of what are appropriate boundaries with regardless to romantic entanglement. it’s important to make sure you guys are playing by the same rules so you both understand what constitutes a violation.
sorry that you’re hurt, but if you walk away now, you waste the opportunity to build a potentially deeper bond with your boyfriend.
don’t listen to the puritanical hecklers who don’t know the first thing about relationship maintenance.
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u/blackwidowwaltz 4h ago
He needs to be your ex. The only reason he wants you back is because it didn't work out with the vacation girl.
You just have to pull the band aid off and leave..it will hurt for a moment but you need to end it. This was absolutely cheating and he probably had sex with her, if you give him a second chance he will just do it again because it's showing him there are no repercussions to his behavior and also do you want to always be his second choice? Cause that's what you are. Filler so he's not alone until he finds what he thinks is better.
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u/KnottyPothos 4h ago
I mean, whether or not he knew it was cheating (he did), do you want to be with a man who hasn’t learned the difference? I’d chalk this up to pathetic behavior on his part that shows he’s not enough for you. Let him loose.
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u/IndependentNo8520 4h ago
You don’t know what really happened, more happened, but hey walk away and dodge a bullet, you sound young, there’s more life girl
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u/Moment_Glum 4h ago
1.5 years isn’t a very long time idc how old you are cut the man off and move on! Bro was gone a week and now he’s in love with a random foreign girl?! Nah fam enough enough
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u/Background_Loss_366 4h ago
Giving him a second chance would be absolutely stupid and would be so disrespectful to yourself be done with him he cheated he knew he was cheating
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u/LaurenNotFromUtah 4h ago
First off, they fucked. I’m sorry but come on, they definitely did.
It’s helpful to remember that he did what he did because he wanted to. If your relationship was worth keeping, he wouldn’t have wanted to.
You can do better. Dumping him is really the only course of action here that won’t make you miserable.
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u/stayonthelineillbrb 4h ago
Never listen to your heart. Always listen to your brain. You know what to do. You’re going to bring yourself greater heartbreak if you dont leave.
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u/6530sm 4h ago
Yeah, to me it sounds as if he is lying about what happened. He planned this and before leaving on this trip, he love-bombed you but knew that he had the opportunity doing something without your being there.
He sounds very immature and his disrespect of you is underlined. Past behavior usually predicts future behavior. His immaturity will keep him from doing the work to make your relationship viable much less productive and have a future.
I know you don’t want to end it; however, if you don’t, expect similar behavior from him in the future, especially now that he knows you will let him get away with this deplorable behavior.
Think about this long and hard: will you be able to trust him to go on another trip without you or to tell you the complete truth about anything? Honesty and trust are the backbones of a relationship and I don’t think you have these.
Good luck. Get tested.
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u/essentialburner 4h ago
So, I’m willing to bet what happened here is he reached out to her seeing if she’d be willing to make a long distance relationship work and she said nah and now he’s trying to put the pieces of your relationship back together. I would say if that’s true then no one should ever settle for being the second option. Especially when you were the first option until a week ago and all it took was a couple days for him to fall for someone else? Even if he hadn’t acted on it the mere fact that he could emotionally fall for someone else so quickly signals there’s no emotional investment left in him for your relationship and it’s hard to get that back, especially AFTER the honeymoon phase of a relationship where everything is wonderful and you’re falling in love… but without there being a chance for a second honeymoon phase there’s no chance for this relationship.
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u/Moist-Preference-204 4h ago
Leave. He knows damn well it was cheating but just bc things weren't physical or sexual between them, he's trying to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal. Tell him how he would feel if the roles were reversed and you were the girl sitting in some strangers lap and holding hands? If he realizes that it's cheating then he'll realize where you're coming from. If you forgive him he'll do it again. You'll resent yourself for not leaving if cheating is your deal breaker. He's the exception now? NO. Leave!
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u/No-Basil-1880 4h ago
Wide berth IMO! He knows what he did and now regrets it, to not only destroy each layer of your relationship, but to then tell you to your face that he has a spark?
Kick his ass back up that mountain!
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u/Ok-Direction-5151 3h ago
They fucked 🤷♂️ rather you know now or find out years later doesn’t matter.
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u/lesterholtgroupie 3h ago
Trickle truth. He’s not telling the full story yet.
He is gambling that you will beg for him to stay, it serves as an ego boost but also shows him where the boundaries are to not lose you but still get attention elsewhere.
Like a toddler, he’s testing out just what he can get away with, without virtually any consequences, I.e losing you.
He’s doesn’t want to break up, he wants a pathetic girlfriend that will put up with these horrible behaviors.
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u/MimbleWimble1 3h ago
Oh he just laid next to her lol. Spooning leads to forking. It’s over and you will meet someone better who deserves you.
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u/Brilliant_Arachnid59 3h ago
Sounds like he love bombs you throughout your relationship and then tell’s on himself when he starts to act differently. He projects the crazy on to you and then you start to doubt yourself. He is playing in your face with the foolishness of not knowing. You even said that he did it to his ex.
Yes, love hurts but it will be more painful to stay with someone who will do this cycle all over again when he feels a spark with someone else. You will never trust the feeling he is trying to invoke in you and you will always be waiting for that other shoe to drop. Trust your gut, it will never lead you wrong when you listen to it.
You were in love with who you thought he was, not who he actually is!
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u/hashlettuce 3h ago
Send him a picture of you walking on the beach with a stranger dude and then laying in bed holding hands. :)
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u/Even_Tea4874 3h ago
He slept with her and doesn’t deserve to be with you. He’s a liar and a cheater and you’d be wise to dump him snd don’t look back.
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u/Mean_Lecture1289 3h ago
Cheating aside, which he absolutely did more than emotional cheating, he told you he lost the spark with you and found it with this random girl instead. He was willing throw your entire relationship out and basically told you the relationship was dead. Why aren't you listening to him? He's freaking out now because he's about to lose his safety blanket. But the damage is done, he said he doesn't have a spark for you. He no longer loves or respects you, he just is realizing he is going to be alone and is spiraling. Let him go, tell him to go to therapy and go work on yourself.
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u/loveeleah83 2h ago
He’s lying about just laying in bed with her and holding hands - it went beyond that. She’s leaving in a week? He wanted to have his cake and eat it too and since she’s leaving he’s trying to come crawling back. Don’t let him.
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u/Shola2001 2h ago
He cheated emotionally if not physically and then tried to backtrack after basically saying you are not it for him. You can do so much better and you deserve better.
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u/cbae21 2h ago
For your first question: The evidence that he did indeed realize what he was doing is in his actions and demeanor toward you during the trip and afterwards. He was not acting normal, because he knew he was doing something wrong.
Second q: Unfortunately, I think there’s a very strong chance more happened. I encourage you to ask him, tell him that you’ve been asking questions (for all he knows you’ve been asking his friends or their partners, or maybe you found the girl!) and that you’re willing to consider staying, but only if he is 100% honest with you. See how his story changes.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but maybe if you learned the details, it might make it easier for you to let go.
Third q: you said it right. The person you knew and loved doesn’t exist anymore. He’s a ghost. And the person you used to be (in this relationship) also doesn’t exist anymore. There’s this version now, and you may be able to work through things but your relationship will never be the same.
You are asking the right questions, lean on your support system during this tough time! You got this.
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u/Curious-Patience-117 2h ago
Leave now before you get hurt even more , it may hurt in the moment but I promise staying will only destroy you even more
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u/Individual-Maximum30 2h ago
Ignoring the obvious part that he knew he had to say something, so he watered it down so there might still be a chance to rescue things.
He's flip flopping a lot on this. I get it, he's confused, doesn't know what to do, one minute deciding he wants something else then realising he can't have that so needs to do all he can to rescue what he has....
But... This is screwed up on so many levels. The way he's going about it is horribly cruel to you. He doesn't have the guts to just say, 'I fucked up, I'm sorry' and leave you to decide. He knows his arguments are weak as f
He made his bed, you don't need to lay in it. His actions say he isn't ready for a relationship and that he will likely hurt you again... or hide it next time.
He needs to grow up and you need to not be the one he screws around while he does.
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u/mboyer75 2h ago
I honestly believe you know the answer deep down.
If this happened once, it will definitely happen again.
Don’t deal with cheating. You are better than that.
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u/Past-Anything9789 1h ago
What do you do? I mean it's obvious that he's telling you the maximum that you might be able to forgive. So you split up.
He was absolutely well aware he was cheating because if he didn't know, his behaviour wouldn't have changed. He's dripping truth so you may soften your boundaries.
To me if you forgive him, that tantamount to staying that what he's done is ok, and it will undoubtedly happen again.
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u/Icy-Enthusiasm-7295 1h ago
Honey the only thing he realised is that he is going to be alone.
He doesn’t have the girl anymore because she is moving away and he doesn’t have you anymore because he betrayed and cheated on you. He knows he can’t have the other girl (the one he truly wants) because she’s long distance so he’s grappling for straws with you.
I’m so sorry this happened, let it hurt, let the anger in, but DO NOT let him in.
I wish the best for you in the future, but stay away from this man.
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u/StarryFireheart 1h ago
Just an all around, NOPE.
He knew what he was doing was wrong and it cost him probably the best thing in his life. I agree with others who have said he probably thought that him and the other girl were going to go somewhere but in reality it’s not and he realized what he lost.
You are a strong individual. You do what is best for you’ you’ve got this!!
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u/FreyaDay 33m ago
Dating is a test to see if you’re compatible long term. If you don’t like his values and how he operates without being told what to do, you aren’t compatible long term.
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u/Expert_Ad_8820 29m ago
I know this may sound harsh, but thank god he did it now after 1.5yrs , not when you’re married with kids. I went thru something similar, but I forgave my ex and guess what…He did it again. We were together for 2yrs. Shortly after I met a man who would never do such a thing. He’s loyal af. I hope you won’t fall in a trap named “I won’t meet anyone after the breakup”. You will and the person will be so much better for you. I wish you the best.
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u/Alarming_Sweet_2151 24m ago
There is no way he didnt understand that this was cheating. He is saying this to avoid taking accountability for his actions. Which by the way is probably way more than he "confessed". This man is showing you who he really is. I get that this is hard and you love him, but when someone tells you who they are you should listen. He betrayed you over what he knew would be a fling this is not someone that cares about you or your feelings. If thats something you want to live with then thats on you, but I would run.
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u/Active-Heart8225 5h ago
To be honest, if he didn’t sleep with her, just give him a pass and move on. He held her hand. Not a big deal. He liked her… So what?
There’s far too much drama in this world and people getting offended by the smallest things that they make the biggest deals.
Just my opinion that I’m sure many will disagree with, but I like life to be less stressful and I would suggest you just let it go.
If you can’t, then definitely break up with him so you’re not wasting your time and life
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u/3AMZen 11h ago
The all-or-nothing of long term monogamous relationships is.. pretty scary to me as an unconventional dude
Like I'll see posts all the time of people saying " my partner of 15 years admitted they have a crush on a co-worker, am I cooked chat?" and people will reply "she's for the streets bro it's time to move on". What kind of relationships are so fragile, are so lacking in resilience that after 15 years of love and commitment confessing a crush on someone else can just annihilate all of that?
Like this is me making wild hypotheticals here so you don't need to entertain them if you don't want to, and dishonesty is NOT cool but I'm asking you to put THAT part aside for this hypothetical:
What would happen if it was possible for him to love you, and also to have held hands with a cute girl from the other side of the world who leaves in a week?
Do you think him holding her hand, or sleeping beside her or even kissing her would mean they have bonded as deeply and as emotionally as you two have? Is holding hands the thing that defines the depth and intensity of your connection?
Is your relationship stability threatened by a person who will be off of the continent and potentially permanently out of hand holding distance forever?
When I was young, people told me that when you were in love with a person, like really in love with the person, that you don't have eyes for anyone else in the world... You want only them. And that is absolutely how some people experience love! But ... I was told that that is THE ONLY way people experience romantic love And it was never even questioned.
Which meant that any time I loved somebody and cared about them, but I still felt intrigued by or attracted to another person, that inside it felt like I didn't know how to love people
That was a sucky way to feel.
Sex than advice columnist Dan Savage writes about this kind of stuff a lot, including the tendency of the older generation to go so hard on the All or nothing That one strike can scratch out 10-year relationship or a 5 year relationship or a 1.5-year relationship or whatever And that maybe in the long run finding ways to extend our partners more grace and understanding and to make some allowance for the messy nature of human emotions and human attraction can make for more resilient relationships
Like I said though I'm not a normal kind of guy and my opinion is definitely in the minority, You will find a ton of people who agree that holding hands and cuddling with another person is serious enough emotional infidelity that it's worth writing off the entire relationship and starting over new with somebody different.
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u/_theMAUCHO_ 10h ago
You missed the part where he went cold on her. This is absolutely cheating in a monogamous relationship. This isn't about her accepting the "messy nature of human emotions" but realizing and THEN accepting if she wants that, that her partner is more than able and willing to lie to her face, go cold and emotionally distant, tell her he expected her to break up with him and then beg for forgiveness like a fool.
Its not about the spark or attraction he felt for someone else, its how he acted about it and how little, if any, consideration he had for OP, her feelings and everything they built over 1.5 years.
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u/3AMZen 10h ago
I definitely must have missed the part about him lying to her face, I read it that he didn't talk about it for 2 days after coming back, and then when she confronted him about it they had that conversation
And for sure going cold on your partner and becoming suddenly emotionally distant is messed up and is really bewildering and scary to be on the receiving end of that
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u/_theMAUCHO_ 10h ago edited 4h ago
For the record, as a general thing I do agree with the things you say, but I sadly don't think it applies here.
Lying to her face by omission or withholding information. Think about this: If he didn't think he was cheating, why would he not share what he was doing, why would he go cold out of nowhere? That is lying by omission, he was doing something he most likely knew was wrong and tried to play it cool until pressured.
People who are willing to do that are either checked out of the relationship, waiting for someone better or just have no integrity as people. They have shown zero interest in OP's feelings. That's why in my opinion what you said, as awesome as it is in general, doesn't apply here imo. Cause OP wouldn't just be accepting someone who suddenly felt a spark for someone else, she would be accepting someone who was willing to act on it, go cold, tell her he doesn't feel the spark anymore, that he expected her to break up with him AND THEN beg for forgiveness, most likely cause the girl he cheated with didn't want a long distance relationship.
Its just a situation that has more components than what your OG comment would imply.
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u/distantpapaya 9h ago
The commentors in every thread in this subreddit are like a Jerry Springer audience. I feel bad for anyone vulnerable who actually listens to any advice given here.
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u/milliegm_2003 10h ago
It’s all well and good if on the same page, these two were clearly not and he ignored her and treated her like crap on top of it.
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u/3AMZen 10h ago
Cool thanks for sharing
It is all well and good if on the same page! Some people do not realize there is more than one page, and my goal here was to suggest that for long-term consideration, there more than one book
Anyone can leave a relationship at any time for any reason, and if you are one of the people who thinks this is a good reason to break up with a person after a year and a half, I'm sure op will feel validated by that perspective
Despite this being r/ what do I do, I don't think I offered op any suggestions on actual next steps, but just wanted to add some food for thought that might lead to some positive reflection about the nature of relationships going forward
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u/milliegm_2003 10h ago
Oh yeah and what you said was totally valid and had some great points I just think they are super young and he’s clearly a cheating dick 😂
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u/absoluteunitofspite 11h ago
More happened than he’s letting on. He realized what he was doing was wrong and that’s why his entire demeanor towards you changed. A second chance isn’t going to change the fact that he cheated and would likely do it again the next time he “feels a spark”.