Hi, I don’t know how much I am allowed to say on this app and what I shouldn’t say, just know I downloaded it to ask for advice.

I (18, female), looking back on my life in my home, noticed a pattern with the way my mom always behaved around me since my birth and still does. She never hit me, I can barely recount the times she yelled at me. It’s quite the opposite, I think I’m starting to believe she is wholeheartedly in love with me but maybe I’m just very paranoid.

She always claimed and still does that I could never survive without her. She stated multiple times that I am completely incompetent at life, unable to do ANYTHING, and that she will always stay with me because of that. She said it not with hatred but as a pitying a puppy. She said she’ll move anywhere I wanna move, go anywhere I wanna go. She does not plan on letting me go, ever.

She always says that I am her only true friend but all that I would be able to handle if not for the other things she does openly in front of my step dad, whom she hates. She playfully hugs me from behind, sometimes bites my shoulder, my arm, my neck playfully when she’s in a good mood, like lovers do. She exclusively uses pet names for me such as “baby” in Russian. She prefers sleeping with me and we have slept together from the day of my birth until I was about 8. When we would sleep together, we’d always be tangled tight around each other and she’d lace her fingers with mine and then brag about it and be happy in the morning.

The only times she would get upset at me, and I mean heavily upset, is when I would go out with other people and have fun. If I said I have a best friend that is not her, for example. She’d crash out and become depressed, her entire emotional security depends on me.

It feels disgusting to think that way about my beloved mom but I’ve had very explicit dreams about her since I was little because of the way we were inseparable (by her fault) and maybe because of other underlying trauma. Do you guys think this counts as abuse? Is this valid? And what the fuck do I do…

I'm a 27yo female. I haven't really received any healthcare except dental care since I was 13, and I have a history of feeling very violated by healthcare as a child, which has traumatized me.

Logically, I know that healthcare is a thing that I should do, especially now that I'm getting older. But the very thought just completely terrifies me.

I'm afraid of feeling physically vulnerable. I'm afraid of losing my ability to speak and advocate for myself out of fear.

Last year, I finally went to a dentist for the first time in a long time, and that was a big step for me. However, my blood pressure was sky-high when they took it (due to anxiety), and I felt frozen and unable to speak. And for me, dental care is and has always been way LESS anxiety-inducing than other forms of healthcare.

Usually, it's difficult for me to even bring myself to sit down in a healthcare setting. My whole being is screaming at me to stay standing, because that is a less physically vulnerable position. I don't want to change into a gown. I don't want to be touched. I could maybe tolerate non-invasive touch from a medical professional if it was at least explained to me first, but by that, I mean someone touching a casual part of the body, like limbs.

The thought of anything truly invasive is very distressing to me, because my trauma involved invasive procedures that were done VERY MUCH without my consent (and even involved restraint while I was in significant distress. I won't go into details here, but I do have posts that go into details). I can't imagine a pap smear or a pelvic exam. And it's not because I'm afraid of pain; I doubt I'd find them particularly painful. I just don't think I'd be able to handle them emotionally. Being given meds MIGHT help, but part of me is terrified I'd have an intense reaction AFTERWARDS if I was given meds to allow me to be able to handle them in the moment. Like, the thought of being "drugged" during an invasive/traumatic event...somehow doesn't feel very comforting. I'm afraid that when it wears off, I'll think of everything that happened and it'll be very triggering for me. Or, alternatively, if I don't remember what happened after the drug wears off, I'm certain that that would be even more triggering for me. That'd probably traumatize the shit out of me.

Another thing that makes healthcare seem so out of reach is that I don't actually know what happens during healthcare appointments for women. I haven't had one since I was 13, and that was a pediatrician appointment. Also, it was so long ago. I don't know what to expect. Because I don't have much of a concept of how appointments "typically" go, it's difficult for me to even think about how to advocate for myself or what accomodations I could even ask for.

It would be easy for me to just never receive healthcare, but I actually do fear cancer and premature death. So, does anyone have any insight or tips on HOW I might be able to access healthcare, how to advocate for myself, what to expect?

I’m a 21 female I want friends it’s hard for me to make friends. I don’t feel like there’s anything necessarily wrong with me. I just come from a place where my mom constantly kicks me out doesn’t do anything for me and I have to do everything for me. it’s really also hard just discovering them autistic.

I recently found a friend and we would like some things however I come over to her house and constantly finally so I don’t know if the word is jealous but just a lot of the things she has I mean she worked a minimum wage job just like me, but it’s like no one is badging her for money and she can just kinda live her life. Her mom helps her out or her dad. and it’s like she comes from a place just like me so it’s like it’s very hard. I don’t wanna say to be friends but I’ll be there and we hang out with your sister and she gets along with her sister and I don’t really have a relationship with anybody else and I just find myself distancing myself from people like this but then it’s like I wanna be friends because you know but then it’s so hard because it just everything I want and I need and I just don’t get it and it is very hard for me to see these things happening to other people and not meI don’t want anything malicious it’s just really difficult of a reminder.

I just want to know why I either didn't think about my trauma or was literally not consciously aware of it until I was 25/26.

WHY?

i just feel like i need to write this, i never was a part of any reddit community or something like that, ig it'll be just a way to reflex once more and i hope will somehow help me mentally

im in my early 20's and im from ukraine, I used to live with full family and pair of younger siblings. my mother's relatives are too controling as well as she was before, and my father's family is literally non existant, i mean no close relatives.

my father never believed in mental issues like depression, but in my opinion he was crazy depressed himself (im 3rd year psychology student bruh), his father died when he was in my age, and his mother left to another country for better job opportunities and came back only when became elder. but he somehow turned to be the brightest person ever, even tho his life was crazy tough at the beggining.

my fathers carrier was great at the beggining, he was the owner of building company, and he had really impressive skills in constructing, projecting, and was smart asf. he knew how to weld, had programming skills and loved some circuits and machines. our car always was repaired by him, all the outlets and any other house issues that had to be fixed were fixed by him.

but ofc he had some problems, and his problem was drinking. due to family conflicts between him and mother's family he'd often go drink, and you know that wont help at all. he was crazy smart and denied all the treatments cuz they were "for stupid", and i kinda understand him, u cant work with therapist when he's dumber then you. he was never agressive, but created many problems when he was black out somewhere in the city or smth like that. after the full scale war started in ukraine, his mental health started to decline rapidly and he started drinking too much, he couldn't leave his house cuz he'd be catched and sent to the war, he couldn't go to work, basically he was stay at home dad.

and one day after long drinking run (like 5 days in a row ig), he couldn't drink cuz mom was at home and didn't let him, next day he felt bad, but did'nt say anyone, while he was going down the stairs at my house, he fell badly.

when we saw it, he was unconscious and heavilly breathing, first thought of course was - he drunk as hell. he wasn't responsive so we decided to call the ambulance, but they didn't come here if person is drunk and "safe" (at home). so we called his friends and asked them to help bring him to the hospital (like for alcoholic and shit), they came in like 20-30 minutes, during that time i was with him trying to wake him up, and had no idea was what actually happening. when his friends came ther did the same, they were laughing, hitting him, pouring water, nothing worked, we were standing at him lying on the ground, and they told old stories about him, and how he was unkillable in the youth, did some crazy things and this is just a little nap for him. after like an hour of wasted time, they took his yet alive body and went to the hospital.

there doctors first realised that he had broken ribs. those ribs punctured his lungs (thats why he was heavy breathing). he was sent to the ER and operated, they saved his lungs, oxygen saturation was crazy low, but not deadly. after some examination they saw that he had broken neck. in few hours he died due to brain swelling.

my father was the closest person for me, i had really bad relationship with my mom, and that destroyed me. i still blame myself that i wasnt helpful enough, didn't give attention to his mental health, never had quality time with him. i didn't inherit any of his skills.

life became miserable, i miss him, a lot of time had passed and everytime i do decisions i think what he'd tell, because i always asked him for an advise. i dont have any of the support he gave me anymore, none in my family is as understanding as he was.

guys if anyone really red this, please pay attention to your closest, spend some time with them, help them. i find this hard to finish so ill stop

Kalian pernah trauma nggak? Apakah sudah sembuh? Dan bagaimana cara nyembuhinnya?

Question at the bottom ⬇️

Background:

I spent years judging my thinking about my childhood stressful experiences, thinking that I may be too dramatic or might be right and need to show myself empathy and let myself mourn all the pieces I lost along the way because of the distress.

But how can I be sure? How can I tell that I might need processing?

I think I might need to integrate all the emotions from the past, because I have self destructinve behaviour that I just can't take off of me, as if a part of me just longs for pain.

Somehow you can tell that I might be struggling to change from those self sabotaging behaviours because of the initial mental health issues I dealt during my development (14-15 y/o) because I am just a sensitive person, and might have simply slipped to a dark state of mind because of the changing...

But I cannot shake off the feeling that there were periods of pain and stress before that mental breakdown.

I don't like to be so sure about it because I know it's not and was never easy for anyone, but how come everyone of my family just came out of the quarantine and all of that outbursts inside our home, all of the arguing and the shaming and costant unprovoked judging and blaming... like it was nothing.

I was on high alert at all times and felt guilty and responsible COSTANTLY, and especially after coming out of that period I had that mental breakdown and started acting like crazy, with delusional anxiety, costant daydreaming and aggressive isolation (I'd cry and scream at home whenever I felt like some physical boundaries were crossed)

I was the mentally unstable one, I was the one brought to psychologists and who failed and ruined a couple of years of school. But somehow nothing ever I've manifested had an explaination, don't get me wrong I NEVER insisted on finding a reason, I know I should just learn to cope better because I was acting too dramatically and damaging towards myself and others.

Now It's gotten better, probably because I touched a bottom that helped me jump back up.

But whenever I think/talk thruroughly about that period and another distressing time from my childhood ( which I have little to no memory of, but I know there was a strange event happening) I disassociate / feel small and scared and after some minutes I just come out of it exhausted and don't feel like pushing through, even tho I tried so and still experienced the same if not more intense effect.

It feels stupid to say that I might have experienced traumatic experiences (TRAUMATIC TO ME OFC IG??) as many have gone through stress throughout their childhood, people go even through worse and in my family none broke apart after that stressful period. So I feel dumb and attention seeking to act like I need to process some stuff after calming down from that intense mental breakdown. It all feels like larping to me, even tho I know trauma is subjective, it means that an event is too stressful for the traumatized person, not objectively, but still...

How can I follow my heart and try to process my emotions linked to and buried into my past experiences, without consulting my therapist?

(Because I feel downplayed with him, bc his approach is to push you and teach you better and practical techniques to not act miserable, a sort of cognitive behavioural therapy but in a gestalt therapy style, whenever I try to talk about emotional pain in an introspective way he makes me feel confused, probably because I also behave in a confusing way whenever I'm getting vulnerable, a sort of defensive mechanism he calls it)

How can I try to deal on my own with this buried pain that I feel is still inside me but unrecognized and unprocessed? Do you have some advice...? I just know I can think about those events and talk about it with myself, but what should I do if I can do something else, Idk I feel stuck.

We are worried we said something stupid. All we remember is blurs of this two hour long VERY PUBLIC cry fest because one of our safe people are moving hours away. Its the pastor at the church we have attended since we were little. Now, despite not being religious now he is the one that taught us how to deal with our autism, our meltdowns, our sensory issues, and our dissociation in a non-disruptive to people. We have him to thank for being able to function as well as we do. So NO part is happy about him leaving but we all kept crying so much during service and forgot we blackout during meltdowns (which is why we started recording ourselves during them) but we feel so guilty not being able to remember the last time we are going to see him in a LONG time

I've been trying to write this ..

My health is bad and I know I don't have years left

My earliest memory's I had to be around 4

My lil brother wasn't born yet and my older sister was adopted already.

But I remember being me and my mother and grandfather. .

Then my lil brother's dad came in the picture beating me and my mom half to death. Even before my brother was born.

And around the same time he started molesting me.

I can remember the musty smell of him . I was so afraid of him beating me and my mom. Worse.

And my mother thought I was just a cry baby cause I would go crazy when ever she tried to leave me.

The more he molested me . The worse I started to act up . By telling lies , about everything. School I got kicked out of Catholic school in first grade for looking under skirts. I started burning down old buildings and garages around my grandfather neighborhood. And my mom's neighborhood. Too the point . My mom finally peiced it together cause all the fires were around these to places I had access too

years ago i had this friend group who i talked to daily. they were all boys. back then i was a boy too, since im a trans woman, so now im transitioned. not that it matters. anyways.

i was decently close to them. i mean, we joked a lot, and i had knew them for several years already- almost my entire life. we had a couple serious conversations about life and death and faith. i grew up through elementary and middle school with them and they were my friends throughout. they could be very teenage-boy-y at times, but hey, we were dumb middle/high schoolers, it happens.

in 10th grade they were pretty much my only friends. one close friend i had who had moved away in 7th grade ( god, i cried so much) was messaging me to wish me a happy new year. we had gotten relatively distant, but we still talked every month or two. but on that day he wished me happy new years, he asked me if i knew about this secret discord server they had without me, and i said no. he sent me some screenshots of the things they said there, and then invited me to the server. he himself never participated in it. thankfully.

at the time, another close friend of mine who ill just call L had been best friends with since kindergarten was at the time about to move away as well. all my "friends" made bets on when they thought i would hurt myself, get horribly depressed, or kill myself after L was supposed to move across the country. i was already so petrified of losing L in my life too. yet they joked about preparing cash for the bet. some gave it months, some gave it years. i immediately stopped talking to all of them. nobody bothered to message me. why would they? i only talked to them every fucking day for years. was my entire livelihood really comical enough to make a fucking bet on? i mean what, youd make 40 bucks after i kill myself?

id already been struggling with depression and suicidal ideation for a long time. this was by far and away one of the most hurtful things ive ever had to experience. i relapsed in my self harm and substance abuse so much that i was worrying the two people i had left. what a great way to start of that new year, huh?

L never ended up moving away. i thank the lord for it every day. we're still very close friends and talk every day. its been many years since then and ive made a quite fantastic friend group over the past 2 years but im still petrified. im so scared im going to be left behind or forgotten. that someone is eventually going to turn on me. that they secretly dont like me, or are waiting for me to give up and leave. they treat me very well. i know its not rational fear. but i cant stop fearing.

i think about it almost every day. ill never forget the feeling in my stomach reading those texts. i never want to experience that ever again. i have so mych i want to say but its hard to say it in a way that makes sense. im such a piece of shit. maybe they were all right about me. i wonder if theyll still get their money if i ever do it.

Well worth a read/listen- wow 🤩

Whenever i go through something traumatic or really stressful i respond really well.

Usually my brain is extremely loud. It’s hard to focus on one thing at once. It’s like having someone constantly scream at you to do something but the tasks keep changing. Very stressful.

But when I’m going through something traumatic the voice is gone. I’m extremely calm and all i do is focus on whatever needs done and i do it with no problems. Sometimes i’ll start shaking really bad but i’ll still be calm mentally.

If i don’t have anything traumatic happen to me for a few months i’ll get extremely depressed and stressed out. I’m always depressed but when something traumatic doesn’t happen it’s gets really really bad. Like suicidal type bad.

Does anyone have any idea on why that is? I’m starting to get into a better place where i don’t have something traumatic happening every few months so it’s starting to really affect me. I’m trying to get into therapy it’s just taking longer than expected. So any advice or insight you can give me is greatly appreciated.