M20 here
I got problems with my career choices (medicine) and studies. Got trouble maintaining focus, ( i feel i have ocd and adhd
I have tried alc and weed a few times but i feel like doing it again when im stressed but i dont coz it will become an addiction then
Im Stuck in a toxic, abusive, threatening relationship. My gf is self harming too.
I cant keep up with my gym schedule, and im lean and tall.
I have money problems too i spend too much on food and my family have restricted my allowance.

From childhood through university, things came so easily to me, so I never really had to put in any effort. I always got decent grades, passed tests without studying, and gave presentations without rehearsing. While others spent hours working hard at their studies, I would simply glance at my notes for ten minutes before an exam and pass without much trouble.

The problem is that I never used this aptitude to push myself further; I never aimed for a perfect score. Instead, I settled for an easy 80/100 and used the extra time to slack off.

Even in art or sports, I would pick up the basics of whatever I tried relatively quickly, but I always stopped there, at the basics. I never strove to go any further.

Now, as an adult, I feel I have absolutely no discipline or tolerance for hard work. As soon as something gets difficult, I quit and move on to something else. I’m thirty years old, and I feel like I’ve never truly put effort into anything in my life.

This may not apply to everyone, but I know I used to use the word Hate a lot. Stuck in traffic... I hate this. A song comes on that I don't like... I hate that. I get served food with mushrooms... I hate those. Everything was hate. In reality, it was actually just dislike or displeasure. Sometimes it was just a difference of opinion.

So I challenged myself to stop using the word hate. It's like something lifted. I wasn't even that angry of a person before, yet any anger I had lifted. Are there things in life that frustrate me? Absolutely. Do I still get annoyed by some things? Sure. But by not assigning the term hate, they seem much more insignificant. I don't dwell on them. I voice displeasure if I need to and move on. My days are much brighter for it.

These days I reserve the word Hate for things that really deserve it... Nazis or Child Molesters or Duke Basketball.

Anyway, just an exercise to try and see if it does anything for you.

{Unable to attach the link but if anybody is interested I’ll send it to them. I’d consider it an enlightening and uplifting essay, but it covers my experience grappling with dark thoughts and grief after my first ‘real’ experience with grief. I’d say it’s pretty light for something covering the subjects it does but content warning for death/loss, su\*cide, and su\*cidal thoughts}

Hope this finds you well. I’m currently navigating a very trying time in my life with numerous significant life changes, including my mother’s pancreatic cancer diagnosis. It’s been a lot but I’m getting through it okay so far. It made me think of an essay I wrote a 1-2 years ago during and in reference to another challenging time of my life. I wanted to share it here for anybody who may care to read it or may appreciate anything about it. Open to any types of comments or responses, positive, neutral, or negative. Either way wishing everyone peace and happiness ✌️❤️

Hello this is my first ever Reddit post but I feel like this is the only place I can get genuine advice.

I (21F) have just graduated from university with a niche degree. Throughout my time there, I gradually lost motivation for the degree and my education and as a result got a 2:2 despite doing well in my first and second year. I don’t really want to go into anything to do with my degree but, I feel like I have closed many opportunities to other fields because of my grade. To be honest, I don’t have any passions or motivations for what I want to do for the rest of my life and I am getting very scared that I will end up in a minimum paying job and living pay check to pay check.

I have considered going back to university to get a more useful degree but that would require a lot of money and I am scared I’ll just lose motivation again. The job market is in shambles even for those who are much more qualified than me and although I do have experience, it’s only in hospitality and retail. I have considered civil service in the past but I don’t think they will take me anymore.

I would greatly appreciate any advice on how to find my way. Thank you.

I'm M18 overthinker and I need some peace in brain 🧠

Beyond a shadow of a doubt, my emotional growth stopped during the Pandemic and hasn't restarted. I connect and relate way more to people 5-7 years my junior. I feel embarrassingly immature, irresponsible, behind, whatever words you throw at me, they fit me like a glove. My relationships are suffering. I am suffering. Besides therapy (which is helping but progress is very slow), what could I do to force myself to finally grow up ? Habits, framework changes, I'm down to have the worst day of my life if it means I won't be trapped in the head of a highschooler anymore.

hopefully post doesn't get removed this time. i need some practical advice, both big and small steps to tell me stop doing these things:

• every time i see something i have an opinion on, i imagine myself being a really popular person and having friends that i don't and giving my opinion to them. or when i'm drawing a picture i imagine showing other people or talking about it

• always imagine myself as more visually apealing which sucks especially, because i don't really want to care about this stuff but it's so ingrained into society even though it's superficial.

• always daydreaming, ruminating, contemplating, thinking about something not in front of me. even when i want to stop so badly, it just happens like automatically. i try meditating and it helps but i still end up having my mind wonder to stupid fantasies, half of which i don't even want to happen

• feeling uncomfortable or like i'm in danger mentally when i try to live in the moment

it's literally destroying my life. i don't know what to do. i need like beginner advice.

Hi everybody,
I am 20 year old and I am actually in the army but I don’t really like this place (lack of sleep destroys me + can’t discover new things in live) and I want to move but I don’t know what to do if I go out, there are for now not opportunities to discover other schools or work (it’s summer vacation) and I am actually in a bad position because I got kicked out from my military university and I have two choices :
- stay in the army 3 years (work in the navy) to have enough money
- go out but don’t know what to do next

The problem is also that my parants won’t not support me if I go out of the army because they are doing it since I am 18 years old but I changed every time of live path (18 years old : high school in business, 19 year old : military school).
I can stay at there home but they will hate me for that and I don’t want that.

So my question is, what should I do to go forward in live and find something that I like and focus on it and what should you do in this position ?
Thank you very much for your help 🙏

I feel like nothing i do day to day week to week really matters and im not sure how to find something im passionate about. Nothing seems to spark any interest and it always feels like im just getting by. Just going through the motions with no thought or motivation to do anything different. I want to feel like im doing something thats bigger than myself that will at least have a positive impact on somebody else’s life. I do not care for the idea of money or making money i only know I have to have it solely so i can survive. The internet and social media does not feel natural to me in anyway i feel constant anxiety anytime i scroll on any of those platforms.

Here is my story: M(27) F(27)

I matched with a girl on Hinge early September last year hit things off immediately, texting every day I was like wow this is incredible - My birthday a week later in September took me to a new cinema and got me my favourite aftershave, paid for everything - I laughed and said are you love bombing me to which she said no I was being nice for your bday.

-Months go by, nice getaways to hotels, training together, great sex and everything felt perfect she told me I was the best thing ever so grateful and lucky she ended up with someone like me, she had a young son who was 9 and I did not meet in person - she said her ex bf who was practically the step dad of the kid left her 2 years ago and put her kid in therapy and she done some as well, in which she tells me all the things she wants in an ideal partner and I tick every box, I felt like this girl really understood me and I had met my person.

Now this is where the cracks start, she would mention how evil and hateful her ex (Together 6 years) was and mentioned he was in the same Tesco as her at xmas (live in local area) He was walking in and she was walking out - I said that's trippy never easy bumping into an ex - left it at that. Did not want to appear phased. Had a nice xmas met her Mum and her little sister things felt very good and often stayed with her and her mum when her son was at the kids dads. She also told me things like she was with someone and she was and they got back together after a year and she said things to him like go out and cheat if it makes you feel better because she was with someone else.

At end of February my Granny passed away unexpectedly - She mentioned how her ex BF did not let her into the after event when his granny passed away etc I just let her vent and was always understanding of what her ex put her through Granny passed away on Tuesday and then on Friday I met her Dad for the first time - Naturally stressed over my Grannys passing I did not drink - she did and was drunk off prosecco- On the trip down and home she basically played a FU to her ex song - and her dad mentioned she seen her ex and he looked rough - anyways, we drove home and I said to her this ex really hurt you and your son and hes like a ball and chain on your leg, he is in the past and if he was so bad he left you and your son in therapy be happy he's gone - she said she's 'over him just not the situation she put her and her son through' - when I said I wasn't happy she's mentioning him the week I am grieving the death of my grandparent she stone walled me - I left her house and drove home to regulate as I was with a previous GF who stonewalled me and it done a number on me and she was aware of this and also the heard week I had - she was drunk and proceeded to tell me I was never meeting her child and that was us done over text, I felt this was manipulative- We then sorted this out - half apology from her and from me I thought I needed to be more understanding of her situation and we told each other we love each other. But, I felt maybe selfishly she should have been understanding my Granny passed away that week and I wasn't in a headspace to listen about her ex who was so bad?

- The month after we had a great month done a charity 10K and had a nice getaway - I spoke to her son on the phone and on FaceTime over those few months we were together over xmas and when she was on a family holiday to New York - still no physical interaction I said it would be nice to meet your child as I have gotten him a birthday present and an Xmas one and we both know about each other and I am getting a bit frustrated of having to hide around the corner when we know about each other - Bare in mind I asked this respectfully and said no pressure I just need a plan as she said if I met him I could travel to Spain with her and her kid this summer and her graduation was coming up soon. The kid also told his biological father about me that Saturday as well - I did not mind as obv was in everyone's best interests I treated his son with respect and care

I was met with two days of silence - then seen her on the Saturday went to the gym all was fine, thought that was back on track and we said we would go to the cinema on the Wednesday and on the Tuesday I got a text telling me I was perfect, we have a laugh together but she feels 'something is missing' - and ended things with me over text after 7 months.

I did not reply for 3 weeks my family and friends told me not to and I deserved more than a break up text as I was blindsided and was constantly told I was the best person in the world and she was so lucky to have me, but when I mentioned maybe meeting her kid she turned so nasty and discarded me like I was nothing over text, when I did then text her to speak she then told me 'she loves me as a person but not in love with me' and I deserve better - I did not reply again, I was in such shock I feel so heartbroken how can she be all lovey then discarded over text? I noticed when I put her number into whatsapp she had no profile picture anymore and her messages were set to disappearing which makes me think her ex was back in the picture or hiding something? - Her tiktok reposts after were all things like when a man leaves your life build a comfortable life etc - except I never left her?

I have never been this hurt and blindsided before in my life, I wasnt even worth a conversation just felt so easily disposed when we had concerts etc to look forward to this summer and all I was worth was a text.

What do I do I am still incredibly in love with her - Its been 3 months nc and I have been attending therapy and gym but I still feel stuck

Hey, i hope you all feel okay

I feel like I wasted my life. Yes, you will say I’m young and full of ambitions but my family don’t think like this.

Since my childhood, I had some memory problems, troubles with learning something new and constant codependency.

I tried to work at myself. I graduated from 2 schools, from college with red diploma as a lawyer, I stopped my toxic relationships with my ex and now I have different relationships with my new partner. She is more supportive, she helped me so much, right now she also trying to figure her life.

Me? I’m stuck. I decided to apply to the university but I can’t even pay for it. My diploma gives me nothing, no one hiring me or calls me at all. I worked with my mother for a bit for the most low money.

I have debts. I’m not sure if I want to be a lawyer. My mother said that I’m worthless and she don’t know what to do with me. She suggest me to try different profession but for this I need to pass whole exams again. She don’t support me at all, calling me codependent bad thing.

I myself very codependent on someone, I will not lie. I do therapy, I try to work at myself. Really.

I don’t know what to do. My health also in really bad condition. I want to travel, to leave my place but I can’t. I have no money, no support, my friends all busy, my partner in other country.

Even if I will go to university, what will change? I can’t find a job even after college, what will change after university?

I wanted to open my business but I have no money and I only wasted my time.

I have no idea what to do. At all. I don’t know. I’m so stuck. Should I apply and what I will pay? What to do — I don’t know. Same thing can happen after university.

Others somehow build families, going to a job, open their business, paying their debts. I’m a black crown in my family. They don’t support me at all, only critique or leaving me alone.

I’m not sure what to do. I tried to cook and wanted to open cooking business but i understood that I have no money for it. I tried to contact anyone who I know — nothing. Silence and nothing more than silence.

I waste peoples time. I don’t want to do self-pity. I’m just very very lost. Very lost. I was thinking that everything will be okay but instead I understood that I don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m so stuck.

I struggle with feeling lonely and lost. I don't know how this adulting thing goes and I feel like I'm just finessing my way through everything. Basically, I'm winging it because life doesn't come with built in instructions or a manual. How do I find peace in being alone even if people claim to care about you and you don't believe them? I have unrealistic expectations for people and I struggle with accepting that people aren't going to think like me or treat me how I treat them. It's something I haven't quite grasped yet. For context, no, I'm not young. Any advice for knowing where to start when it comes to self care?

Spent years thinking I needed to feel ready before doing anything. Wait for motivation and wait for the right moment and wait until I felt like the kind of person who had their life together. All that waiting just made me feel worse about myself and nothing actually changed.

Recently I started doing this thing where I treat myself like a character I'm controlling in a video game. Sounds silly but hear me out. When I see dishes in the sink I don't think about whether I want to do them I just make myself click the action button and do the task. No emotional debate about it and no waiting to feel ready. Same with going for walks and answering emails and doing the boring adult stuff I used to avoid for weeks.

It works because it removes the whole internal negotiation I used to get stuck in. My brain can't talk me out of something if I don't give it time to argue. I just move my body and do the thing before the resistance kicks in. Not fixed and still have bad days but this dumb little mindset shift has helped more than any planner or productivity system I ever tried. Thought I'd share in case it helps someone else stuck in the same loop.

Not even exaggerating. Woke up at 5am. cold showers. Gratitude lists. Read 4 books on habits. journaled every single morning. Did the whole andrew huberman sunlight in my eyes thing. and somehow I still felt exactly the same inside

Its like I was collecting all these self help tools but never actually addressing the thing underneath. you know? like rearranging furniture in a house with a cracked foundation

What actually shifted something was watching my cousin go through the whole process of admitting he needed actual professional help. He ended up doing a program through discovery point retreat and seeing someone who actually knew what they were doing instead of just quoting atomic habits at you. And honestly watching him actually change while I was over here with my color coded journal feeling stuck was... humbling I guess.

idk I think sometimes the self help industrial complex convinces us that we can diy our way out of legit mental health and addiction issues. and maybe for some people that works. But for a lot of us its just a way to avoid admitting we need more help than a morning routine can give.

anyway I quit the 5am club. Sleep is better lmao

(Please take the time to read this. Mods please don’t take this down, I truly, genuinely, need help.) All my life I’ve never had a friend except for 2 and they’re gone and I’ve been grieving for years
Context: back in fourth grade I was an idiot child. I always hung out with the “bad kids” who affected my life today indirectly. I met this one kid who I’ll call “penguin” or “P” because he loved penguins. p and I were friends quickly, he told me to be aware of the bad group of kids I hung out with, of course I didn’t listen. But me and him got super close and always hung out, hell we would have sleepovers EVERY weekend, even when he moved up the mountains my mom drove me 2+ hours to reach his place for a sleepover, it was amazing. I can’t explain how much better my life was then if I were to have never met him. From 4-7th, he was my best friend, he moved early 6th but we still talked every day. I was a huge hypocrite, narcissist, depressed, hypersexual, extreme hyper sexuality, and yet he was there for me even when I came out as pansexual, but I don’t blame him for leaving, I blame him for coming back. Acting like nothing happened, I hated that. Not really. I just hated that he could just freely talk to me as if he didn’t leave. Early 7th I was super depressed, tried to reach the endless void of the afterlife, survived obviously because I’m so bad I couldn’t even K myself properly. He left. No response, after I survived I texted him, for days. Ghosted. It stung, but I accepted it. I felt hallow, not even when it was my birthday, but before that I had gotten a girlfriend I’ll call “V”, V was basically my other half, we’d joke about how we masturbate and we even found it funny I put my semen on a picture of her (gross, I know.) but I loved her, unfortunately not as a partner. I had extreme hypersexuality so I felt so in need to be lustful even masturbating 6 times a day, but for her, I didn’t even get hard, she made me feel so happy, even when I did that picture thing, I had to watch a porn video to even get hard to do it, i can’t even her doing those things because i feel disgusted thinking of it, they both left my life. We broke up together because some of my friends were making jokes in a group call and I guess she just took it seriously, i can’t hate myself enough for not making it right by communicating so of course after she shattered my heart i begun dating a guy (who was described mostly to be a femboy) but things didn’t feel right, I only used him to avoid my problem with V. So I told her I was gay which I now found out I’m just pansexual, look. The timeline isn’t perfect here but I’m trying my best, And me and her stopped texting for a while. A long while actually, and the worst thing is, she’s just a face in the screen, how much of a fucking loser am I that the best person in my life I had met on TikTok? She just turned out to live in the same state at me, after a while me and her forgave eachother and talked again, but by then penguin was out of my life forever and one day she just messaged me “let’s not be friends anymore” or something along those lines, of course I had said “okay.” Because who am I to make her stay, she isn’t my property, she’s her own being. Fast forward she messaged me and my heart skipped a beat, it’s been months, now I know this may seem stupid but I was playing a game and so when she messaged me her profile was changed and I responded to her message coldly because I didn’t know who she actually was (by holding down in the notification and typing), but after I realized who she was she thought I was just acting dumb so yay, another chance ruined and I went to a mental hospital after being accused of wanting to Drop bodies in a public educational building which, when the hell did I say that? Never. So my phone was searched by cops and they saw all my depressing, long vents to friends who don’t even care about me, so after that time I texted her months after I was released because I still wanted her to be my friend and obviously at first she disliked the idea of it heavily but I wasn’t gonna make the mistake of not pursuing her friendship,finally we were friends, just barley friends. She still hated me, and later when we worked out problems out by venting to eachother, what stung most is when she said (not exactly but it’s 90% what she said) “I’m sorry for being so mean, whenever I heard a notification I’d hope it was him but it was just you” which is so stupid because whenever I got a message, I had wished it was her texting me. Of course when she did text me, it was only hurtful words but I didn’t mind because I loved her I want to be more than her best friend but less than lovers, forever with her sounds like damnation to me, but forever beside her sounds so perfect and beautiful to me, I want to be her friend, I want to be someone she actually messages first, the worst part is I’m not even that old and yet my life is such hell, my entire life in perspective is horrible, my heart literally used to burn every thought of her, the viens or whatever around my heart and in my chest felt like it was electric, it PHYSICALLY hurt, I want V to Love me but not Love Love me, and I hate it, I want help, but I don’t like to speak about it, well no. Of course I love speaking about myself, but I don’t like speaking about, MYSELF myself. I can’t explain it, so I just always go and post my thoughts in one words or in abbreviation on my “thoughts?” Or “story” like “bbbbbb” meaning blah blah blah blah blah blah, what do I say to her? I’ve been talking to her for months now and it feels like it’s been 3 weeks of knowing her, she barley talks to me and I genuinely hate it, I hate how I crave her attention, all I want is to die already, not because everything sucks, no obviously because everything sucks, all I want is to be asleep, I want to rest and hope there’s no god because all I want is nothing. I want to be nothing but every time I think about it I want to wait to see “what’s gonna happened tomorrow?” Or because I don’t want to put my parents or family through that grieving, as I wrote this for 1 hour straight I cried, more than I have in years, I needed to cry, but nothing comes out, not until it’s 3:15 writing this stupid fucking paragraph, my self esteem is so low even one hate comment and I take it down because I value others perspectives so much, all I want is to be loved and I’m struggling, I feel like I’ve been surviving but not alive all my life, I want relief, I want to close my eyes to never open them again, I wish I lived in a world without grief so I can just tell my family “hey guys, I’m gonna end it tonight” and they’ll be like “ok”, I want to tell V off so bad too, I want to tell her “your such a fucking hypocrite, you even acknowledge you push people away because you like they’re friendship or blah blah, but I hate myself even more for always thinking about you, your the only thing that remains of the perfect life I once had when I was in 7th grade when I had penguin, when I had you as my friend, when everyday I’d wake up to call and message until night, when I had people. People who cared, but you’ve changed, your not the same girl from then, I’ve seen how you are to people you love and to people you hate, because you’ve loved and you’ve hated me. And it’s cruel what double sided faces can do to people” and maybe I will just end it, I’m tired. I’m tired of living, I’m tired of having to wake up everyday to the tiny remarks my parents make, like when I’m going to the gym with my brother he makes fun of my music taste or clothes calling it “emo” even though it’s alt, like yeah, you’ll be one of the reasons I fucking die that day, or when my parents call me gordo or when my sister calls me ugly, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALL OF YOU, I feel so much hatred turned grieve everyday, and it’s only when I don’t sleep when I feel it, I slept early so I wouldn’t have to wait for you V, I want that friendship so badly, one day I’ll make everyone hate me so they won’t be sad I’m gone, that’ll be my probably only and last act of love I give them, the trauma of eating those quesadillas with jalapeño and those burgers and cranberry juice in that hospital, I never want to feel that again, I want to sleep tonight and never wake up, part of me wants to die just so I wouldn’t feel this pain, another part wants to keep living solely because of the thought of my parents and family crying, staying up at night because they lost me wondering what they could’ve done to save me haunts me. Or maybe that my entire life they had masks on and they’ll celebrate when I die, who knows, I’m so, hallow. How can you make something right when you’ve made it so wrong? One of my favorite lines I’ve ever heard was from a show, bojack horseman? Great show 10/10 don’t recommend, I loved the episode when he was at his mothers funeral and he talked about the letter a fan sent him talking about “the coffee mug” and how when bojack was talking, the coffee cup wasn’t there but when Sabrina or whoever the fuck was talking, it wasn’t there. The fan asked if it was a metaphor for how two people can experience the same memory in different ways? He didn’t have the heart to tell her “no man, some crew staff member just left his coffee there” so he told her “yeah that’s exactly it” I thought that was beautiful, that he made it so clear to me that humanity tries to make everything into something beautiful, something with a deeper meaning when sometimes you just have to accept that it’s just ugly. All of it, there’s no deeper meaning it’s just that. What you see is that. I can go on until days but all I want to do is sleep and wake up to messages or comments of people checking in on me, and giving me some genuine advice. No trolls please, i feel like killing myself. For reference my age is 30 divided by 2 and subtract 1.
My family is poor so my diet is horrible so I’m fat for my age. Schools coming up so my wardrobe is basically nothing so, yeah, it’s gonna be hell this year. Filled with anxiety and pure pure social anxiety

Hi everyone,

I'm a 22 female working as a self-employed graphic designer. Unfortunately, 2025 and 2026 haven't been great years for me. I've been struggling with both my career and my personal life.

I've been working as a graphic designer for several years, and it feels like every time I work with a company, they take advantage of me and then let me go as soon as it's convenient for them. This keeps happening over and over, and it's affecting not only my financial stability but also my mental well-being.

Since May, I've been trying to find a new job, but whenever I apply, many companies don't even look at my portfolio. They either reject me immediately or simply ignore my application.

I'm looking for advice from people who have been in a similar situation. I live alone, pay my own rent, and I'm basically living paycheck to paycheck when I even have a paycheck. I also tried applying for retail jobs, hoping for something more stable, but I didn't receive any responses there either.

Has anyone gone through something similar? How did you get out of this cycle? I'd really appreciate any advice or encouragement.

I always start new habits with a lot of motivation. I'll exercise, read, or work on a goal for a few days, and then I slowly stop.

A week later I'm back where I started, and it's frustrating because I really do want to improve.

If you've struggled with this too, what helped you stay consistent? I'm looking for simple advice that actually worked for you.

- I don't Know Why I Can't Handle Critisism

-When Someone Criticize me...I overthink It Too Much What Others Think

-I Am Too Much Harsh On Myself

-And I think That everyone Is Better And Feeling Inferior Among Others

My son's mom opened a child support case even though I've had our son his entire life. What can I do to get repaid from her because she's wrongly collected several thousands of dollars and it's effecting my credit. And it is wrong

Whenever I meet someone new most of the time they tell me I sound exactly like Walter white jr. to me I sound nothing like it but when I record my voice and listen back and I sound like I have some sort of autism or disability. I don’t have any current learning or physical disability but I got a Iep from kindergarten for speech delay that I still get to use today I remember having voice therapy but that was years ago in kindergarten I’m entering 11th grade. I wouldn’t call it a lisp I just sound like how people with autism sound. I’ve been wondering what I have and if there’s a way to sound more normal

(LONG STORY made SHORT)

I don't wish to frame this in an offensive way; I'm just new to these feelings (and honestly romantic feelings in general), and I'm hoping people with more life experience can tell me how they figured things out.

I'm a Christian Mexican guy about to enter college.

I think I might be bisexual. I definitely like girls, and I've dated 3 girls before (still on good terms with all of them). I can also imagine myself liking a guy under certain but still many circumstances, but it's still less common for me. So I'm trying to understand where I fit.

One thing that made all of this even more confusing is how I experience affection.

I've never actually been kissed on the lips by anyone, regardless of gender. The closest I've gotten was my guy friends kissing me on the cheek as a joke, which sounds weird out of context, but that's genuinely just how some of us act around each other.

When I'm on Discord playing games with the boys, I sometimes realize how much those moments mean to me. If we're all laughing, talking about life, or just sitting in silence while playing something together, I start feeling really attached to them. Sometimes I catch myself blushing because I feel genuinely cared for. I love that I can be completely honest around them and they'll give me their real opinions instead of telling me what they think I want to hear.

I don't think it's really lust. It's more like... if someone truly cares about me and makes me feel emotionally safe, I can start wondering, "Could I actually like this person?" I've even caught myself almost developing little crushes on a couple of my friends before, but they usually fade because I remind myself they're my friends (and respectfully... some of them are as chopped as I am 💀).

What also didn't help was high school.

I went to a private school where we had one class together for basically every subject, so everyone knew each other really well. During cooking class, I naturally ended up cooking, cleaning everyone's messes, and taking care of people. Somewhere along the way my friend group jokingly decided I was basically the "wife" of the group.

They'd compliment my apron, tease me, jokingly argue over who the "husband" was, and completely lean into the joke. Looking back, I honestly didn't mind it as much as I pretended to. That same whole "group wife" joke is also what eventually led to one of my friends kissing me on the cheek. HE ASKED BEFOREHAND; BTW, he was kind of cute.

Even now, my friends and I sometimes make really over-the-top jokes that get way too intimate before we all stop, look at each other, start blushing, awkwardly apologize, laugh, and tone it back down. what i mean is that we'd do some pretty weird stuff, like grabbing each other's faces or pulling one another closer and resting our heads on each other. We'd low-key do couple stuff, ngl.

Sometimes I honestly wonder if I could fall for almost anyone—girl or guy—if they genuinely loved me, cared for me, and made me feel emotionally safe. That's probably one of the biggest reasons I'm questioning my sexuality in the first place. It's less about physical attraction and more about how deeply I connect with people who make me feel accepted.

The bigger thing that's been on my mind is that, for the past 3–4½ years, I've had a growing desire to look female. I actually still think of myself as a guy—but looking more feminine feels like it would be closer to how I picture myself; in fact, most of my days i wake up and hate that i woke up as a guy because it doesn't look like what i feel like I'd look like. I've even had dreams that i was a girl and cried literal tears because I woke up male. I've been thinking about HRT for a long time. Not impulsively either. Almost every day I weigh what I'd gain against what I'd lose. I know it isn't some magical "I'll finally be happy" button, and I know there are permanent changes and risks. That's exactly why I've been thinking about it so carefully. If I ever did go on HRT, I honestly would care if people referred to me as male or not. I don't feel like changing my appearance would erase the life I've lived or the values I've built.

I'm about to start college, and it feels like I'm at a point where I need to understand these feelings instead of ignoring them.

I grew up with two older sisters and my mom, while my dad was usually at work. I think that shaped how I view masculinity and femininity. I never really connected with the whole "macho man" idea. I've always felt more comfortable around softer aesthetics, cute things, and expressing emotions.

When I was younger, I looked pretty androgynous, and I actually liked being mistaken for a girl sometimes. My relatives always joked that I looked just like my mom. As I've gotten older, I've become more masculine-looking, and I honestly struggle with seeing that in the mirror.

My church is actually very accepting. They genuinely believe Jesus loves people unconditionally, and they've been welcoming to people from all kinds of backgrounds. One of my childhood friends came out as gay, and nobody treated him badly—they mostly just cared that he was still the same person and still helped around church.

My parents are what scare me.

They're Mexican, and while my mom can be very open-minded about some things, she's also very strict about gender expectations when it comes to me. My dad is loving, but I'm scared he'd quietly see me as a disappointment if I weren't his only son anymore. That's probably one of the biggest fears I've been carrying.

I also feel guilty because I know changing how I look could be difficult for people who've known me my whole life. I don't want to become someone else—I genuinely feel like I'd still be me. I'd just look different.

Sometimes I feel embarrassed that I want to be dainty or feminine when everyone sees me as a guy. Other times the desire feels so strong that I wonder if it'll ever go away. I honestly feel like an imposter living in someone else's body and an imposter with someone else's identity.

as for my sisters, I don't think they'd mind having another sister, but that's based on how they treat me now. mah big sisters are honestly the best!

I guess my question is

Has anyone else gone through something similar or have words of help for my confusion?

This is kinda long so I apologize.

When I was younger, I lived in the forest away from everybody else. My mom and stepfather fear-mongered me and my sibling for our whole life, and kept us trapped in our house. They wouldn't even let us take the trash down the driveway or cross the street to get the mail. I couldn't talk to my aunts, uncles, etc., so when I got older I basically turned into a social outcast in school and with my family.

I'm scared of being alone in stores, I'm scared of talking to people, and the only time when I am able to function like a normal human is when I'm drunk, high, or on my anxiety/depression meds that my mother is refusing to get for me now because she believes i need to just "get over it". My anxiety and paranoia got so bad that I had to switch to online school during my sophomore year of high school because I was having panic attacks almost every morning.

I'm 17 currently, almost 18. I have my driver's license (which is practically useless because we only have one car), still doing online school, living with my mom, no job, and little to none in-person friends. I've been yearning to see things—go places, or just leave the house like a normal teenager, but my mother has been basically trapping me in the house and I dont know what to do. Ive expressed to her how I feel like I'm missing out on life, but she keeps saying "there's no rush."

I know that I'm young, but she refuses to let me go anywhere other than the grocery store on my own, and sometimes I have to lie just to go see my friend for 5 minutes at most.

I have no life, and I have no money. I leave the house 1 day a week sometimes, and I spend my days sleeping or crying because I'm so depressed. Ive been trying to get a job since I turned 15, just to get out of the house, to no avail because I have no experience.

I cant even turn to my sister for help because she guilt trips me when I leave the house, and whenever I mention wanting to leave, she looks at me like I'm crazy. She is 23 doesn't have a job, and doesnt leave the house ever. I don't know what to do anymore. I've been trying to stay optimistic the best I can, but everyday I feel more and more hopeless. Its gotten so bad I almost miss my abusive stepfather because he at least gave me a little bit more freedom than my mom and let me hangout with my friends.

The only thing ive been able to do is cry alone in my bed because my mom tells me constantly that I'm just a hormonal teenager.

What am I supposed to do when I have no life, no money, no job, no friends, and no one to turn to.