Hi everyone,

I grew up in a household with constant shouting and conflict. Because of that, I developed an extreme fear of being yelled at.

When I was 18, I was repeatedly screamed at, humiliated and insulted by a classmate during a weekly laboratory course. This continued for the remaining 1.5 years of school, until I graduated.

After the first major incident, I developed an intense fear of going to the lab. From that point on, it felt like my entire life revolved around it.

I couldn't switch off at home, during weekends or even during holidays. I was constantly thinking about the next lab and trying to prepare for it, even though it was mostly practical work and there wasn't much I could actually prepare.
Even after a car accident during that period, my first thoughts afterwards were about having to go back to the lab.

After many years of therapy, I still struggle to understand how I managed to endure that level of fear, humiliation and psychological pressure for almost two years without seeking help. What I struggle to understand even more is how I managed to live with that level of fear and humiliation for so long without eventually seriously harming the classmate who was putting me through it.

Has anyone else experienced something similar while the bullying or abuse was still ongoing?

Did it completely take over your life, to the point where you could barely think about anything else, even at home or during weekends and vacations?

Do you ever look back and wonder how you managed to endure that level of fear, humiliation and psychological pressure for so long without eventually seriously harming the person who was causing it?

Hi folks, first-time redditor here.

This is a bit specific, but I’m looking to hear other perspectives and experiences with medication for PTSD and persistent depressive disorder. I’ve also been diagnosed with inattentive type ADHD, but I have wondered if the ADHD problems are symptoms of the other conditions rather than an additional disorder.

Before continuing, I am working closely with my psychiatrist to find the correct medication(s) for my mind and body, and I’m not doing anything without their supervision/knowledge. I’m simply looking to hear other experiences.

Depression is my primary “complaint,” so antidepressants have been necessary. I have a high susceptibility to SSRIs flaring up severe gastritis and other GI concerns, so Wellbutrin was recommended, as it is an NDRI with few gastro side effects rather than an SSRI. The ADHD symptoms have been treated with Concerta. This combo helps me get out of bed, take care of myself, and focus, but it gives me terrible anxiety and absolutely does not help when my PTSD is activated. We have previously added Buspar to the mix to help the anxiety, but I am wondering if I just need to kick the stimulant and go a different route to treat the depression and ADHD symptoms with the PTSD and anxiety in mind.

Basically, how are we managing our depression and ADHD without activating our PTSD and anxiety? Is there a solution? Thanks for your support.

i just literally cant take it anymore everything is so fucking overwhelming

im in a "relationship????" with a man who rapes me cuz he threatens to do it to other people and he says i deserve it cuz im ugly and self harm anyways and anyone he hurts is just a poor girl who wont deserve it. he's sent me a recording of him raping people and tbh its my fault im in this situation. my parents drive me crazy because one day theyre evil the next day they're buying me my skincare, my self esteem is shit, and i've just fully become numb. i had let this man do whatever to me bc i wanted to numb the part of me that ever sought out love and well it finally worked. university applications r in the fall. if i get into my dream school will it even matter???

i have friends

why do i crave romantic love this badly

i have been doing trauma work for several years now on memories of abuse, feelings of rejection, and abandonment from friends and family members. A month ago, I got into an argument with my step dad who I’ve been at odds with (he is a narcissist) and since then I’ve been getting flooded with huge chunks of memories from my childhood that I had completely repressed. Additionally, i get “fragments” or “little pieces” of memories that don’t inherently seem traumatic come back but to my nervous system feel tremendously upsetting and scary for reasons I don’t understand.

I’ve always had nightmares, emotional flashbacks where I felt extremely rage, but my emotional flashbacks have gotten SIGNIFICANTLY worse and are debilitating to where I cannot go to work when it happens and sometimes the morning after I still need time to recover from the exhaustion. I’m really questioning my childhood.

yesterday, I had an emotional flashback and ended up screaming at my spouse for over an hour (this is incredibly abnormal for our relationship). I’m assuming this is PTSD, but why is it worsening, and why am I regaining these terrible memories all of a sudden?

( might be rambly )
So recently I worked at a place where I realized this guy had been making me do a certain task for a certain view and I don’t think I can walk back into that place without having a panic attack after I realized how much this guy was getting out of training me and making me do tasks and then crying wolf for me to our boss so I couldn’t even talk to him about anything after I got to the point where i genuinely start shaking and wanting to cry when I think of going back and every now and then I start straight up panicking and I’m battling these thoughts of “ I’m overdramatic and this is all my fault “
it feels like this internal dialogue I was training to love me has turned on me and I don’t know what to do. I haven’t felt this much anxiety in a really long time and I have been forced to walk on glass , I have been isolated, I have had all of autonomy stripped from me and I have somehow walked out of all that and said I’m gonna be okay but i regress the moment something new pops up and I have been working so hard on myself and I’m so scared of falling into a deep mania or depression I feel like it’s already happening and I’m so scared I’m tired I feel like no matter how hard I try I can never really catch a break like life never stops torturing me , I feel like something that wasn’t meant to be here. like I’m some universal mistake that was meant to be eradicated.
I meet people and someone they knew for years suddenly becomes evil I saw someone recently say they feel like a good luck charm the moment they come into someone’s lives they have good things happen I feel like I’m straight up just karma and I hate it I don’t care if they were evil and deserve it . why does it have to be me why do I always have to be around when it happens it has happened my whole life and I can’t explain why I mean put me up with the celebrities I’ll fix Hollywood real fast lmao. sorry but no seriously someone can seem good and it’s almost as if my existence makes them angry and they just go ham on me and then it became so obvious to others and I’m just like cool can I stop being involved tho .
And then people sit here and go thank you for that like I helped them , you years worth of friendship or whatever ended because I just existed I feel horrible. what do you mean and not that this recently happened like that but deadass I again dealt with someone who everyone is like oh they seem good and bros starts sexually harassing me and then I have victims guilt and because of whatever karma curse I have I feel horrible but at the same time I’m so angry and sad and I feel so violated in such a way I have no idea like this somehow feels worse I’m so confused and emotional btw I forgot cause I rambled I already have ptsd I just am wondering how this might affect my current condition if it might make it worse or if it might create a whole new world of mental shit to work with

I am 19F from Asia, and I feel like I have spent so long surviving that I no longer know who I would be without trauma.

I grew up in a controlling environment with almost no privacy or freedom. Important educational opportunities were taken away from me because my family would not support me, complete documents, or allow me to pursue them. I now feel trapped in a university and life I never properly chose while watching everyone else move forward.

I also experienced sexual trauma during childhood. My memories and feelings about it are complicated. I remember physical pleasure, curiosity, and sometimes returning, which makes me question whether I am allowed to call it abuse.

Intellectually, I understand that a child’s physical response does not equal informed consent. Emotionally, I still accuse myself of exaggerating everything so I can avoid accepting responsibility for how my life turned out.

My mind is constantly busy. I replay old situations, imagine different lives, analyse people, predict rejection, rehearse arguments, and create entire future disasters from one small event.

A friend moving away becomes proof that I will be abandoned.

One academic failure becomes proof that I have destroyed my future.

Weight gain becomes proof that I am ugly, unhealthy, and unlovable.

A relationship problem becomes proof that the entire relationship was fake.

I do not know whether this is anxiety, PTSD, shame, or simply the way I have trained myself to think.

I also have a darker side that I do not want people to romanticise.

Sometimes I manipulate people.

I have acted more distressed than I actually was so someone would comfort me instead of holding me accountable. I have used silence, emotional intensity, cruelty, or threats of leaving to control a relationship.

I become attached to emotionally struggling people because helping them makes me feel powerful and necessary. I like believing that I can improve them, change their thinking, repair their confidence, or become the most important person in their life.

Then I become resentful when they do not change enough.

I start feeling superior.

I emotionally detach and imagine leaving before they can leave me.

I keep track of every gift, bill, favour, sacrifice, and piece of advice. Relationships begin to feel like a private accounting system where I calculate who benefited more and who deserves to feel guilty.

I sometimes call myself “dark,” but I think that word is partly an excuse. It sounds more interesting than saying I am deeply afraid of rejection, powerlessness, accountability, and being fully known.

If I describe myself as a calculated villain, I do not have to admit that I am frightened and insecure.

I also struggle with identity. Around different people, I become different versions of myself. I can be caring, ambitious, strategic, sexual, helpless, cold, arrogant, or extremely self-aware.

Each version feels real while I am inside it.

Later, I look back and feel like I was performing.

I do not know whether I genuinely love people or love being needed by them. I do not know whether my self-awareness is real growth or another performance that lets me sound intelligent without actually changing.

I can explain my patterns beautifully. I can identify the exact reason behind my behaviour. Then I repeat it anyway.

That is what scares me most.

I am not looking for a diagnosis from strangers, and I do not need to be told that trauma automatically makes me innocent. I know that being hurt does not give me permission to hurt other people.

I want to understand:

How do you separate trauma responses from your actual personality?

Can PTSD or complex trauma cause this level of identity confusion, control, shame, emotional detachment, and obsessive self-analysis?

How do you stop using self-awareness as another way to punish yourself?

How do you take responsibility without deciding that you are permanently damaged or evil?

And how do you learn to form relationships without needing to rescue, control, impress, or transform the other person?

Please be honest. I do not need reassurance for the sake of reassurance, but I also do not want my worst behaviour treated as my entire identity.

I’m starting EMDR reprocessing for my PTSD. I’m scared and reluctant to start. I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection on why these feelings are coming up. I didn’t feel this during the first steps of EMDR. I was honestly relieved and hopefully of “feeling better”. My PSTD had infected every part of my life and I feel like my life has been on hold. But not starting feels scary and risky.
At first I think I thought if I got better that was me “forgiving” the person who hurt me. But the more I’ve sat and journaled about these feelings I’m realizing something worse. I don’t forgive myself for what I let happen to me. In a fucked up way, subconsciously this is the consequences/punishment for not getting out sooner.
I know it’s messed up and I wish I didn’t feel like this.

I went through something that still makes my stomach drop. I was held for days by people who were supposed to be the law (in my so-caalled muslim country), but instead, they became the nightmare. They took my phone, my money, my peace, and even my right to feel human. They hit me, humiliated me, and used the fact that I'm gay as a weapon against me—like it gave them permission to hurt me even more. They searched my stuff, found private videos, and threatened to expose me. When I finally got out, I thought it was over. But they kept calling, kept threatening, kept trying to drag me back, to trap others of my community. But I moved cities. I'm trying to rebuild. But the fear stays. I can't sleep. I can't laugh. I keep looking over my shoulder. I'm not writing this for pity. I'm writing it because I need to know I'm not alone. I need someone to see me, not as a label, but as a person trying to survive, i lost my peace of mind, i don't know what to feel, what to fix or what to heal.

I’ve been struggling with ptsd for around 7- 8 years and I go to therapy every week and constantly try to work it but lately I get stuck and cannot be with my partner, it’s been almost three years since we got together and I love him but idk sometimes I cannot love him because I’m scared if literally nothing, and get mad and he has helped me a lot with getting therapy and stuff but I hate myself for not being able to give him a normal relationship

How do i get this to stop? I cant have one and now im not going to bed because I'm scared if i do I'll have one when I'm trying to sleep but i have to sleep

i find that there's a massive issues i've had with a lot of psychs i've seen over the years: so many of them ask oddly specific questions and after they're finished with them, they say something like "so sounds like you're doing perfect!" i end up always having to say "no, i'm not. i'm getting terrible sleep, i'm having nightmares every night, i have heart palpitations from stress (which i'm always under)" and more. it's just so frustrating to have to be the one to point these things out when my diagnoses are on paper. we were like 5 minutes into my appointment today, i had expressed multiple concerns, but after her little checklist she told me "sounds like you're good and we don't need to change anything" as if her wildly specific questions fit my exact situation. it's just so frustrating when it's already hard for me to stand up for myself, and i now have to continuously do it with my doctors. she literally prescribed me a new medication today only because i pushed. i can't fathom the amount of people who probably go untreated because they're dismissed when they check all of the "i'm good" boxes in an arbitrary checklist

Tw: grooming mention

Recently I was online and saw a post regarding grooming and stuff. I dont even remember everything but it was regarding grooming online and basically victim blaming. I know its a dumb online thing and I've been trying to dismiss it but it's been buzzing in my head.

I was groomed online a few years ago. I STILL carry heavy amounts of guilt from that and the shit I've seen/heard combined with my irl experience wich influenced that one. Ive had therapist and medical professionals tell me it wasn't my fault but I cant belive it. And that just confirmed something in me.

I haven't even cried or felt much towards talking about it in a few years and here I am actually tearing up over it. I know I fucked up I'm still trying to make up for it but i genuinely dont know how many times I have to apolgize until it leaves me alone. It just will not go away.

Before anyone tells me to take a break off the internet. Don't worry I planned to change tiktok accounts to start over to fix my algorithm and I'll be staying on my safe platform wich is youtube.

I'll have my twin help a bit (He's not entirely real, but idk). This entire thing is just really bad. Feel free to think of me however you want. I've probably heard worse.

I am so tired. I can't sleep anymore. I can't confide in my best friend anymore. I've been beating myself. Driving with my eyes closed. Writing poetry doesn't give me any relief or closure anymore. Simply hearing my mother snore, or someone talk about a visit to the doctors sends me into a crying puddle. My therapist encourages me to see the long term benefits of my treatment, but I feel so miserable in the moment I can't even consider being in a better place. I feel so emotionally sick that I want to vomit but I can't. My therapist asked me to think if good things I can do for myself but I can't think of anything. Everything just prolongs the hurt. My meds helped at first but now I'm back to ruminating, running the treadmill of my trauma over and over.

I’m looking for honest advice.
I’ve been smoking weed for about 14 years. It started as occasional use, but everything changed 5 years ago after my 2-year-old son was sexually assaulted at his registered day home. The man responsible is now serving a 15-year prison sentence, but the trauma completely changed me.
Since then, my cannabis use has gradually increased. I’m now smoking about 3.5 g a day, and if I’m honest with myself, I’m addicted. If I’m run out or don’t have any, I start to panic.
I’m 30 years old, a 4th-year nursing student, and I also have ADHD. I never smoke at school or during clinicals, but because it’s summer break, I’m home most of the day and end up smoking throughout the day. My tolerance is so high that I don’t really get as high anymore, it just makes me feel calmer and less overwhelmed.
What I keep asking myself is this: weed helped me survive the worst thing that has ever happened to me. But now, five years later, I’m wondering if it’s still helping me or if it’s keeping me stuck.
I don’t know if I should keep giving myself grace because of everything I’ve been through, or if it’s time to admit that this has become a dependence that’s no longer serving me.

Nothing changed , same shitty life same everything. I remember when the psychiatrist prescribed it to me he said :, don’t worry you will feel suicidal for the first 2 days and on the third day you are going to love life and wake up like a whole new person. I bought it i really did and i think the only thing that kept me from harming myself or killing myself was that i took benzos alongside and sleeping 16hrs+ a day. I left that body long time ago and I don’t recognise myself anymore. If reaching for help did that i can’t imagine what not reaching would have done because i am so miserable and i can’t talk and i can’t do anything and nobody is aware. I am somewhere else and there’s nothing to do because i fought and i fought and i lost.

14M has ptsd and depression Sometimes post on r/depression just Sopourt me in any way Im Really Depressed rn3

hello

im 16f and honestly i havent been able to read romance novels in a year

my parents have been emotionally and physically abusive for years tho not as physically abusive after CPS was called when i was 12 and during periods wehre i am super super docile?????? idk its confusing

anyways reading romance novels opens this super big pit in my heart and i want to start crying and idk what it is that i crve. ive been dreaming of protective romantic bf since i was rly little but now it just hurts? esp when i read novels when someone is avenged or protected or just simply loved, ygm. idk

the pit hurts so much i start seeking abusive relationships cuz like the pain cancels out the other pain. eded up in a pseudo-relationship w a 41 year old serial rapist who threatens me by threatening to rape others if i dont comply. my friend thinks im out but im not cuz im in so much misery its just easier to stay and be hurt so i dont dream of being loved

i hope to be loved the way they love in books but i just feel so hopeless :((

I have become acquainted with survival
the way old men become acquainted with silence.

Not because I chose it.

Because it chose me.

There was a time
when every room had to be measured,
every voice interpreted,
every face read
before I could decide
whether I belonged.

Children should not have to learn
that kind of mathematics.

But some of us do.

So I learned to disappear
without ever leaving.

I learned to smile
without resting.

To achieve
without arriving.

To love
while wondering
why I never quite felt worthy
of being loved back.

Years passed.

I became the man
everyone said I would become.

Dependable.
Successful.
Respected.
A husband.
A father.

Yet every accomplishment
felt like another photograph
of someone I couldn’t quite remember being

People congratulated the life I’d built.

Only I knew
how much of it
had been built by a frightened little boy
trying to make sure
no one could ever call him
worthless again.

Survival is a remarkable craftsman.

It can build careers.
It can build families.
It can build reputations.
It can even build faith.

But it cannot teach a man
how to rest.

It cannot teach him
that love does not have to be earned.

It cannot convince him
that he belongs
before he performs.

So he keeps climbing.

Not because he wants the mountain.

Because somewhere inside him
a child still believes
the view from the top
might finally feel like home.

But every summit
is strangely quiet.

Every victory
echoes.

Every dream fulfilled
asks the same question:

“Is this all there is?”

No.

It isn’t.

The tragedy
was never that I suffered.

The tragedy
was believing
that suffering
was the only way
I knew how to exist.

And yet…

Somewhere beneath the fear…

beneath the striving…

beneath the endless becoming…

there is still a soul
that remembers
it was not created
to survive.

It was created
to be fully alive.

So now my prayer
is no longer
to become someone else.

It is simply this:

To remain present
long enough

to meet the man
I have been
my whole life

waiting to become.

not sure if i have ptsd. was never formally diagnosed but ive had one therapist mention that i have ptsd symptoms back when i was in high school and another therapist wanted to evaluate me for ptsd but never ended up doing so. part of me figures i dont have ptsd and am making it up for attention but another part of me wonders if i really do.

my first year of college was terrible. i had friends say i had the worst first year imaginable. i was sexually assaulted in the fall semester and raped in the spring by two of my closest friends. after i was raped, a third close friend supported me through the painful nights of crying or just needing a friend before he confessed he had feelings for me a month later. i never really processed any of it much besides the first sexual assault because i had filed a title ix. even then, it felt like i was faking all my emotions and lying. the rape never really registered to me until very recently (happened over a year ago) after bringing it up again in therapy with a new therapist. in my second year, i was assaulted by another friend and never really processed it. i figured it was my fault that i didn’t communicate well enough.

last year in october, i started dating a guy who was really nice to me. or so i thought. long story very short, he called me so many awful things and self centered my assault around himself and his emotions. (he told me that me not enjoying it didn’t make him feel better because it invalidated his own feelings) he laughed about the racist things his mom said towards my culture and my family. he criticized my bisexuality and overall just hated everything about me. i lost so much trust in literally anyone who got too close to me after that.

now, im a much different person. i want to change and act like myself again, but the second i try to even self reflect and process my traumas, my brain shuts everything down without giving me a chance to breathe. if i talk about wanting to act like myself again, my brain immediately switches tunes and thoughts like “you’re not different. you’re a new person. own it and move on.” or “you’re preventing growth. you can’t be the old you.”

i still haven’t been able to truly process my past relationship, which ended almost 8 months ago, because when i try to, it’s promptly swept away and i can’t feel anything. some days, i can think about my relationship or my assaults, but i feel nothing towards them. my brain just tells me to stop dawdling on old issues and focus on the present. which makes me feel crazier because then i wonder if im just making all of my trauma up.

i used to be very introspective before, so i know my trauma and lack of processing everything that happened to me in the span of 2 years is definitely catching up to me. but i didn’t think it would lock me out of my own brain. is this common? how do i start to unpack everything when my brain won’t even let me?

so recently i have some kind of trauma idk like 2 months ago i THINK i got bitten by something maybe, maybe not.. and have been getting weird symptoms around me started with rashes> muscles twitching. stinging sensations around the whole body. went for a bloodtest everything is ok.. but i feel restless and cant concentrate, feels like my brain turned slower cant rmb some words etc... the sensations are still there just lesser .. however im worried something is happening inside my brain. i get like 1 second of intense ''awareness''. if it make sense...

I don’t know if anyone else has ever been in this position, but I really need advice from people who’ve actually lived through it.
When I got married, I left everything behind for my husband, my family, my comfort, my career, my country, and the life I knew. I genuinely believed I was choosing love and building a future with someone who would always protect me.
Instead, over time, I feel like I lost myself.
His family has hurt me in ways I never imagined, and what hurts even more is feeling like my husband didn’t protect me when I needed him most. Years of this have left me with PTSD, so even small reminders or flashbacks can send me into panic, anxiety, and depression.
The thing is, leaving isn’t an option right now.
I’m in the UK on a spouse visa, I’m studying for my degree, I don’t have financial independence yet, and I have a young son. I know people often say, “Just leave,” but life isn’t that simple.
For a long time, I found myself fantasizing about revenge. I imagined becoming the perfect wife for the next four years, kind, loving, supportive, letting him fall even more deeply in love with me, and then leaving once I’m financially independent so he’d finally understand what losing me feels like.
But deep down, I know revenge won’t heal me.
What I really want is to survive these next few years without losing what’s left of myself.
So I’m asking people who’ve had to stay because of children, finances, immigration, or other circumstances:
How did you become emotionally detached while still keeping the peace at home?
How did you stop being triggered every time painful memories came back?
How did you stay calm and kind without feeling fake or resentful?
If you have PTSD, what actually helped you stop spiraling when flashbacks hit?
How did you focus on building your future instead of constantly grieving the relationship you wished you’d had?
I’m not looking for advice on manipulating anyone. I just want practical ways to protect my mental health while I finish my degree, become financially independent, raise my son, and create a future where I have choices.
If you’ve been through something similar, I’d really appreciate hearing what helped you get through those years.

well, i just started seeing my new counselor about 3 weeks ago. we’ve been having weekly sessions and she printed out my treatment plan. she has diagnosed me with ptsd, which ive been suspecting of myself for awhile now. so, where do i go from here? ive been overthinking a lot that maybe im over exaggerating my childhood and/or experiences, maybe im over dramatic, etc.. but also, if she diagnosed that within only 2-3 sessions, wouldn’t that mean it’s pretty severe enough? how have you all gone about coming to terms with your diagnosis (or supposed one anyway)? anything would be appreciated

19F, I was diagnosed with CPTSD a couple months ago, yes I know PTSD and CPTSD aren’t the exact same disorder but we share similar symptoms and reasonings behind the disorder, and the CPTSD subreddit, aren’t responsive and seem kind of intimidating.

So, I won’t go into detail, but I was SA’ed by my dad growing up and then by older women in my early to mid teens.

I woke up early this morning from a vivid nightmare about one of times it had happened to me and shivered and sobbed uncontrollably for a while and then realised something felt weird. I looked down and noticed that my underwear and bedsheets were warm and wet, and that’s when I came to the realisation I had peed myself while sleeping. I haven’t done this in like 11 years, and I chalked down bed wetting to autism, because that is quite a common thing in autistic children, although, it tended to happen at my dad’s house than my mother’s.

I feel, so gross, I felt sick. I tossed everything to get washed immediately and everything affected by this has been tossed into the washing machine.

I just have to know, am I alone in this? Have any of you ever experienced this in adulthood? Because I feel like I’m being judged already even though I’m alone in my room. I probably will delete this post, I don’t wanna keep this up for too long.