Tw: LGBT phobia, self hate, religious trauma, I think
. I try to be as Christian as possible and love my neighbor, but damn it. I really hate when people do that.
I can't stand it when they say that. Especially because they are usually in the gender, roles and sexuality fits their religion. I remember when I heard the pastor saying about a lesbian teen that killed herself. According to him, it was not homophobia, but the demon, the devil and her fault and the path her chose.
And instead of thinking, 'We're wrong. We have to change something. It was just a child.'They never talk about the subject again, they ignore it, they give basic support to the family (which is more like blaming the victim and saying that their kid went to hell, God's will, she chose it). They will probably repeat the same mistake that led to this disaster, and may even be the main cause.
Sometimes I feel like they treat LGBT people with more disgust, revulsion, and hatred than abusers and pedophiles. Nah, they definitely do.
Nothing will make me stop believing that many, if they could, would be in favor of creating concentration camps to go after those who don't fit in. People of other religions, political views, LGBT people, racial and cultural minorities. Honestly, they are anti abortion, but if they could discover if the fetuses are going to be lgbt or some other thing, they wouldn't think twice!
"You choose it", "bare your cross", ""Renounce and deny yourself", "it is a sin", "you are going to hell", "trans people are sick", "they can't see what God made and accept God is identity", "you are destroying God is work".
I just hate that shit so much . I am so fucking tired. I hate all of this and the one thing telling that trans and gay people are all z\\\*\\\*, p\\\*do, demons, possessed.
I am a trans man pre transition, so it probably will be more turned to the trans experience and ass of God, but I do believe that lgb people may understand and feel the same.
I never asked to be trans, I never asked to have dysphoria, I never asked to be born with a body that doesn't fit.
"Huhhh huh you have to pray more and fight against it". BY THE LOVE OF GOD. I WAS PRAYING TO GOD MAKE ME NORMAL AT 7. I WAS SCREAMING AND BEGGING TO GOD FIX ME AT 15 UNTIL TODAY. IDK EVEN HOW I ARRIVED TO MY 20TH B'DAY. HOW THE FUCKING HELL COULD I CHOOSE THAT? HOW THE FUCKING HELL IT WAS A DEMON SINCE MY CHILDHOOD?! FOR WHAT? TO SUFFER BECAUSE I FEEL THAT GOD HATES ME? CRY BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING DICK? BECAUSE I WILL GO TO HELL? BECAUSE I WANT TO BE CONVICTED FOR LOVING SOMEONE? TO SUFFER BECAUSE MY PARENTS DOESN'T ACCEPT ME AND I HATE SEEING THEM SUFFER BECAUSE OF ME?!
They are all like "don't do that. Life is short. Eternity is forever", "you need to deny it". And they say all this shit because they are not the ones who need to deny their gender or sexuality. They can dress as they want, they have the characteristics that fit them, They're going to get married and have sex without guilt; they're allowed to have their teens crushes. If a cis woman has PCOS, they will give the medication to her, if a cis man has hypogonadism they will give T to him without fault. And they will address that it is wrong let a person without the hormones that do good for them, because their body and mind need it.
But if it is a trans or gay person they deny it all to them.
I hate that all. For the love of the saint! I never asked to be born trans or to even be born. I want to live a happy and long live, but they make me feel like I am a horrible and dirty thing. I feel like I am a fucking abomination. Why I have to go to hell for something I didn't choose?! Why I have to go to hell for searching the means to have a healthy life and mental health?!
They always say "life is too short. Eternity is forever. Fight against it!" because the same that tells you to search the heavens in eternity are the same who are living the heavens on Earth.
Why the fuck can't we have the right to feel What are the minimum rights that everyone should have? Why don't we have the right to love and be loved? The right to feel good in our own bodies and to have a family?
The same people who tell us to suppress and endure are the same ones who wouldn't last a week if they went through the same thing.
They tell that we are destroying our bodies, the work of God and are going to hell, but if they are so, are they going to hell for doing all the things that Jesus not told them to do?
Are the rich pastors going to hell? The millionaire? Are a lot of Christians going to hell for supporting the destruction of nature because of the capitalism? The ones that hate the next by gender, sexuality, race, country, religion?!
Jesus was born more than 2.000 years ago, but still they can't learn? They can't pin in their heart the "first, love God the most and the second is important the same, love the next as yourself"?
My God. If I ain't wrong there are more than 2 billion of Christians in the world. You know how much change 2 billion of people could do? If people took that seriously, we would have fought all the bias better. There would not have Ice, maybe a lot of wars, genocide, slavery, misoginy, homophobia wouldn't have happened or ended soon, etc. Yeah, prob we would have people that sucks, but the difference would be so drastic. We wouldn't have a lot of people supporting the destruction of the biosphere. We would have more people being more human and Fighting the maximum they can against all the kind of violence and supporting human rights and nature. But still they can't do that?!! They just keep fighting against the "woke". Omg, Jesus must be so proud!/s
I hate how I am seem as someone ungrateful by my parents, or at least I feel it. I hate that. "You should complain more. Or are you just irritated for no reason? Damn, if they had a hormonal disorder that was masculinizing or feminizing them and they couldn't get treatment, they'd be crazy. I am Not wanting an allowance, or complaining about how we don't travel by plane and saying it's their fault. I try to be positive; I've already said that when I get a job I'll help at home and give gifts to them, I feel bad for them suffering for me being trans, I try to comfort them. I never smoked, stole, had sex, I not even curse at home or next to them (unless of damn).
They keep me treating like if I am 12 yo, when I am 20. I want all the good for them. I try to be a good son, I try to be better everyday, I love them. I feel bad when they have take me to a doctor or when I see how expensive the food is now.
My God. It is obvious that I am being a horrible ungrateful. I can't feel fine in my own body. They are denying to accept it, to accept me, to may help me with hrt. I'm not being spiteful because they didn't buy an expensive iPhone. Damn, I try to pull myself together sometimes to help when they're crying. I feel awful for getting annoyed afterward when they give me gifts and things that make me happy. I feel like an ungrateful, selfish person. What a hell. I just want to be accepted, supported, start transitioning, etc.
I tell them that church makes me feel dirty and suicidal. That I don't want to go or watch. That I want to be at home and I will find a church that doesn't makes me feel like I should been aborted, and they can't even try to do that.
I'm just so annoyed. I don't think they're going to kick me out of the house, and fuck it. I'm going to try to start the T in secret, change the documents, sell commissions and all that.