there are no words to describe how genuinely tired i am of myself. i need to stop. i need to feel whole within myself. but there’s always a guy. some fucking guy i put all my hopes and dreams onto. and it’s always someone who doesn’t fucking want me. the chase hurts so fucking bad. so i took therapy. i realized it’s because i never let myself move on from getting dumped at 15 years old and kept moving onto the next guy eversince then. im 26 now. same fucking patterns. the cycle never fucking ended. always been a lonely fucking person. never had any real friends. couldn’t confide in family. without a man to validate my existence (even if its sexually) i feel so fucking invisible.

being aware of it all, i still want him. i know i’d be so happy if he just wanted me back. i need to cut him off but i always end up looking like this pathetic needy loser infront of him. im disgusted by the person he makes me. i know im beautiful, attractive, have a stable income yet still he makes me feel like the most worthless human being. just because he doesn’t pay any attention to me but made the mistake of hanging out with me twice. i never want to see his face again. i just want the obsession to end. but i know it will only end if i find another person to consume. because a month ago i was hung up exactly LIKE THIS ON A DIFFERENT FUCKING GUY and now i don’t care whether he lives or dies. i’m not well. i have no purpose of my own. i gave away so much of myself to people that now all i am is a blackhole. i am nothing. just complete darkness. the silence is killing me. i don’t exist. i want to be alone but being alone is so fucking suffocating.

Edit: im so grateful to everyone reading all your comments made me so emotional like something broke this wall in me holding all the tears. i really spent my whole life thinking i was the only one who experienced this so i just feel very seen which has encouraged me to keep going, thank you❤️

For a while she had known that there was a certain someone I thought a lot about but she did not know who it was. Last week, I asked her for advice on how to go about it and expressed my concern regarding potentially hurting that person. I have borderline personality disorder, which comes with a lot of anger. She gave me insanely good advice. Fast forward to this past Monday, I confessed that the person is, in fact, her. She said she had a feeling it was her since I asked her for advice, which surprised me as I had asked multiple people for advice and none of them suspected it was them. She gave me a lot of reassurance, explained that it doesn’t bother her and why, and said “that’s what friends are for.” My limerence is purely platonic, so I’m more than happy to be her friend! It was the first time she called me that, too. She gave me a lot of hugs and told me to “keep that smile” and I “have a pretty smile.” In the past, she told me she gives me a lot of attention because she knows about my BPD diagnosis and how hard things are for me, then clarified that her attention is genuine, so I kind of wonder if it will only get better form now on!

After hanging out with my LO for the last time this weekend , I went into a serious depression where I thought that I was losing my mind- It finally dawned on me that I was living in my own dream and that this person would never be mine romantically. There is no more dopamine rush, just my higher power forcing me to realize that I am causing myself nothing but pain. Needless to say, we live very close by and stopping responding to their texts has been agonizing. I cannot tell them that I am in love with them or that I am suffering from this nasty condition. In between the depression and withdrawals, the cutting ties is the hardest part. They are a good person (and someone I had begun to idolize) but this is the only way I know how. I hinted to them that I was feeling pretty depressed lately and I am hoping over time they will just think that I was not a very good person or a good friend. I don't even care if they hate me. Part of me wants them to. We had only grew close over last 6 weeks. Where I live is pretty small/kind of an enclave and I just want to move away and never look back. The idea of some seeing them again, or worse with a girlfriend, ect- pains me to my core. I refuse to ever text them back and I think the texts may have stopped. And one thing about this person that I can say- they would NEVER knock on my door to check on me- for which I am grateful. I have never ghosted someone in my life. It eats me up inside.

'm 20. I've been in therapy for depression and anxiety, and I'm medicated. 'm just exhausted and I genuinely don't know if anyone has experienced something similar.

A few months ago I met someone. We didn't date. We weren't together. We only knew each other for a relatively short time, but she became one of the happiest parts of my year.

She introduced me to media that completely changed my taste. We shared interests. By coincidence, we even had matching profile pictures from the same manga. Every time I look at my room, I see things I genuinely love, but they're also tied to memories of her. I don't want to get rid of them because they're part of me now, but I can't pretend the association isn't there.

She has a serious illness, and for months I've told myself that my obsession is about worrying whether she's okay.

Tonight I admitted to myself that's only part of the truth.

The harder truth is that I miss her.

A lot.

Not because I think she owes me anything. She has her own life, her own relationship, and I genuinely hope she's happy. She doesn't even know how emotionally attached I've become, and that's the part that fills me with guilt.

I don't feel guilty for having cared about someone.

I feel guilty because my inner world has placed so much emotional weight on someone who never consented to carry it.

That guilt follows me every day.

I've spent months thinking that if I could just explain everything to her, or if she told me to never contact her again, maybe I'd finally have closure.

But tonight I caught myself admitting something uncomfortable:

I don't even know if that would stop me.

Which makes me wonder whether I'm chasing closure or just trying to escape guilt.

Meanwhile, my life has slowly become smaller.

I've lost friendships.

My family notices I'm different.

I'm behind in my studies.

I can spend hours staring at my laptop unable to start.

Some days I don't feel sad—I just feel emotionally flat, like my brain has gone quiet.

The weirdest part is that I still remember exactly what it felt like to be happy.

That's what hurts.

It's like my brain has decided that one period of my life was the last time I was truly alive, and everything since has been measured against it.

Has anyone else experienced something like this?

Not just heartbreak.

Not just limerence.

But feeling morally guilty that someone occupies such a huge space in your mind without even knowing it?

How did you separate genuine care for a person from an unhealthy emotional dependence on them?

I'm not looking for people to tell me to "just move on."

I'm looking for people who have actually climbed out of something like this and can tell me what helped.

if it helps i almost died because of this self hate and guilt (od)

hello.

this girl I'm obssesed with came to my life ~2 years ago, she joined at my work. I gotta admitt she attracted my attention from the beginning but she was the one that started to get closer to me. She asked questions about the job and I tried to answer them as I do with every new coworker at that time, but she called me handsome and sent me hearts when we didn't know each other that much. I thought she was trying to flirt with me. Well this went on an on, she asked to me when I was coming to the office so we could go together etc. At that point I was starting to get obsessed with her so I decided to look for her socials to see if she had a boyfriend or something. Some guy appeared on some photos but maybe it was a past relationship or something. The thing is she never like NEVER mentioned she was in a relationship (and we talked quite a lot about everything). I found out like maybe 2 months later when we made a trip with her friends all together. At this point I just thought that I missinterpreted her actions but I was already fucked. Like I was (and still am) obsessed with her. the thing is I really care for her, we are super good friends and Im even friends with all her group (including her boyfriend) and I dont want to ruin any relationship. I feel like a bad person but I cannot stop this feelings towards her. And we talk like almost everyday (most of the times she starts the conversation) and I feel like I've really connected with her. this is not normal for me, this is like the only person I could be talking hours and not be disturbed or uncomfortable. but some part of me thinks that this connection is not that real, since I'm obsessed with her and she just sees me like a good friend. I mean I think Im even her best friend. And she's my best friend aswell.

idk what to do. I mean, I know there is no solution here, just deal with it. I don't want to lose the friendship with her and her friends. but it's so hard sometimes.

sometimes I think to talk about it with her, and I think I could do it but I think that it would just bring my problems to her and wouldn't really help at all. Like this is something I need to get over by myself. I just want these feelings to stop. But it's been over 2 years and it feels like is going worse.

thank you for reading, I just wanted to share this since I haven't talked about it with anyone. I think just writting this post helps a bit.

So I’ve had an LO somewhere around five years and been in no contact for over two years the only bit of contact I have had with my LO is that I got blocked on a random social media account by them within this time.

Within the five years around three times, I have been to his house to see him and each time results in no contact again due to him basically not being interested. Which i accepted. I moved away to a different city but always knew the LOs address. He never knew mine.

I left him when I moved - with a love letter. I had written basically confessing my feelings and he kept it years later. He told me he appreciated it and it meant alot to him. I am not shy of sending a letter and this is what scares me. Knowing i am capable of sending it once i write one. I am a big risk taker and a lover girl at heart.

Writing is a really good way of getting feelings out. But now years later i am so close to writing another and i genuinely dont know whether i would or would not send it.

I am really concerned whatever i write will just come across the wrong way, stalker-ish or obsessive. Which is not what i want to do. I am TIRED of putting the effort in and ALWAYS being the one to either confess or reach out first. I know he is not interested but i am fighting my brain not to naturally do what i do anyway which is try.

Please help.

Edit: i have done alot of writing therapy within myself like writing letters and burning or destroying them after so i never needed to send one. But its killing me now not to write and send another now. It comes from a place of just wanting my LO to know how deeply i feel and know that i have been heard.
I dont know what to do about this anymore.

Hello everyone! I've only recently found this sub and the epiphany I've had was thanks to a comment I've read here, but unfortunately I can't find it anymore. I'm sure these things have come up here and there on this sub, but I feel like this might help at least some of you guys.

I (m33) have struggled with limerance my whole life and only a few years ago did I get a diagnosis for ADHD and some time after that I first learned about limerance. Ive become limerant again a few weeks ago but it feels like my first real chance at doing something about it.

The first thing I want to talk about is how the idealization of your LO can be about traits, hobbies and probably other things that you want for yourself or want to be better at.

For example you learn that your LO has a hobby that you always thought was cool or maybe they have the same hobby as you but you wish you were better at that hobby. Or they have a personality trait that you wish you would have. The perfect picture of your LO has all of those things and you feel like if only you could be together, they would fill those holes. It can feel a bit like jealousy too, like you are jealous that you can't be there with your LO to have a specific experience.

Try to identify those things. Then you can either just accept that you dont have those things or you can try to aquire them for yourself. Simply realising can help with demystifying your LO. Aquiring them is probably more powerful though (but of course also harder, especially when you have ADHD and it feels impossible to actually become good at something)

The other thing has to do with what actually causes Limerance. My parents seperated when I was 3 years old, but I always thought that I have no problems because of it, I could never identify any. I never connected the dots, but it is so obvious now. So try to think about what inside of you might be causing Limerance in the first place. By idenfifying the underlying issue you might be able to fix it. These kind of things are probably never 100% gone, but it might help a lot.

It would be interesting to see who can relate and what might be additional insights or tips on this.

I woke up yesterday morning and felt like my old self. It's been a year and a half since I last saw the latest LO. That seems to be a common "grieving period."

Is that your experience? Does it seem to take approximately eighteen months to get over an episode of limerence?

To be honest, I'm not entirely over her. But the end is in sight. Yesterday was the first time the obsession wasn't so, you know, obsessive.

Side note: the turning point may have been a change in perspective. This LO was significantly younger, and I had (consciously) overlooked how immature she was. Looking back with fresh eyes, though, I could see the signs.

I split with a long term partner 5 months ago approximately...I was very much dedicated to making it work and I loved her alot. When she decided to call it a day it was a relief but also extremely painful.

Since then I have a new job, new city and lost 20lbs. Best shape of my life. Went on a date but didnt work out then moved here to the new city...

The last 2 weeks I met this woman who fits some criteria...

Attractive like an 8 or 9 in my eyes.

Hobbies - gym, cooking, we both like soccer, running and travel.

Self sufficient and does not always expect the man to pay.

Wants children and a serious committed relationship.

Intelligent and hard working

She wants a serious relationship but obviously we are taking it slow. We've had two dates and the conversation was genuine, honest and playful. She said she told her mother about me already and has paused her profile as she wants to focus on getting to know me.

I've been keeping my cool but sometimes get carried away with the texting when she is reciprocating...I would love to take this forward but now she is on vacation for two weeks and actually cancelled an apartment date has continued to text...

I've been envisaging the future already...and I feel so stupid. I have my own life but would love to have someone to travel and do life with giving im now mid 30s.

I feel infatuated honestly and maybe slightly anxious probably due to the dopamine loop.

Any tips to relax?

Its not like i dont have other options..on dating apps but I am a lover boy deep down...so I don't enjoy multiple women.

TL;DR - I (NB) had an intimate yet ambiguous relationship with my best friend(NB) who had a partner. It ended really badly. I’m posting this to maybe get insight and also to share my experience and mistakes with intimacy & consent.

Trigger warnings; emotional infidelity/cheating, boundary violations, SA allegation, s*lf-harm, alcohol abuse

I was in my late 20’s when we met, and they were in their early 20’s. we were really close friends for a little over a year. We worked at the same workplace. We slowly started to get to know each other and realized we really liked each other’s company. We started hanging out outside of work. I’d go to their place after work and we’d hang out in their room and talk all night, and we’d show each other our favorite shows. We’d hang out until the sun came up regularly. It was a few months of casual friendship before we started to get more intimate with each other. After a while, I knew I really liked them as more than a friend and they became a big priority in my life and my heart. I wanted to tell them, but they had a long term partner since high school. They would sometimes say things weren’t going great between them and they weren’t sure if they would stay together.

I did my best to take that with a grain of salt and not get involved in whatever was going on with them. but as time passed, we got more and more intimate. We grew a little dependent on each other’s company, attention, admiration, actions etc. We would regularly cuddle a little too close for just friends but it never got explicit. I checked in a couple times at first wondering why what was going on between us was okay, when they had a partner and they were barely seeing them anymore compared to the time we spent together. They asked me not to worry about that since it was their relationship to handle. I said as long as they were okay then I was too, but internally I was confused. I wasn’t sure if they really loved me back or if they were using me to get some kind of satisfaction they were missing from their partner. I tried to make my feelings for them as small as possible so our connection wouldn’t become something that destabilized their life.

Nobody in my life has ever been so considerate, consistently interested, made me feel so wanted and needed and adored. As well as built trust in such a patient and communicative manner. I felt so right being the same way towards them. Because of their partner, I felt like I could never clearly openly admit my feelings to them. I thought there was no way they would choose me, and that would be the end of what we had going on. So I pretended like this was all normal behavior (as did they). We spent a lot of time being as close as possible without breaking any boundaries that would make things obviously wrong. We were inseparable. Constantly taking trips together, texting all the time. Always having sleepovers. It seems like crazy obvious behavior when they had a partner and we were supposed to be ‘just friends’. This went on for a long time. After maintaining this level of closeness for almost a year, I started to push the boundaries of intimacy with them more.

One morning, I kissed their neck a couple times in-between dozing off. it didn’t really seem out of place because the tension between us was still building from all the time we spent together being close. They texted me later that day and drew a hard boundary with me, no kissing of any kind. Of course I apologized. They asked me why I felt compelled to do so and I told them I wasn’t really sure, maybe I just got a little too affectionate out of habit (I was lying, it was because I was in love with them clearly.) We both dropped it and moved on mostly. Around this time they started to ask me things like “I feel like you’re keeping something from me” and “there’s something you’re not telling me, it can be just between us and there’s no judgement if you just want to share what it is”.

I didn’t know what they were trying to get out of me at the time, I thought there was no way this was their way of trying to get me to admit my feelings for them. It just didn’t make sense since they were still dating their partner. I also didn’t feel like it was right for them to try to force me to express that in this manner, again, because they were still with their partner. I told them in so many words that I was being completely honest and open with them about everything I could think of (absurd lie, I know), and if there was anything specific they wanted to ask me then I would let them know whatever they wanted to know. they didn’t follow through with that and things cooled down and went back to a lightheaded tone pretty quickly.

In the next following weeks our cuddling at night became more sexually charged. Our legs would lock and our crotch areas would be pressed against each other hard. Or my leg would be against their crotch. But we wouldn’t be moving in an obvious way, not grinding or anything like that. Just pressure when we adjusted our sleeping positions slightly. My face would be buried in their neck or our cheeks would be pressed against each other.This was something that we would do for many nights in a row, around that time. I was aware of the sexually charged nature of what we were doing entirely. But they kept asking me to stay the night, kept inviting me into their bed. So I interpreted that as a mutual desire between us to continue this behavior.

Trigger warning for this next section: One night in particular, we’re laying with each other and the pressing was pretty intense. we were locked in against each other dozing in and out of sleep again. I was surprised to hear some sound coming from them, like a subdued moan or a quiet fit. I remember their face looked slightly intense, I thought for a second they were maybe having a nightmare or an intense dream. After about 20 seconds I thought “are they having a reaction to the pressure thing? Are they like.. really feeling it?” This was not a normal reaction as it was way too outward so to speak. If that was the case at all. So I pulled my legs away from theirs and tucked us under the covers. i draped my arm over them and they grabbed by hand and we fell back asleep. The next morning everything was normal, the next couple weeks were all normal. But the frustration of not being able to express my feelings to them in a straight forward manner was really starting to eat at me. The sexual escalation tipped it over the edge for me. I started to distance myself from them gradually.

I fell into despair thinking that they would never outright choose me and love me. I started heavily drinking and self harming (because it triggered a lot of past trauma). I kept it pretty under wraps but our friend group and they themselves could eventually tell something was up. They started asking me things like “I feel like you’re keeping something from me” again. At this time I became extremely avoidant. The distance between us started affecting them negatively too. At one point they said they felt like their heart was shattered into a million pieces by our closeness fading. They also directed a lot of anger at me. Accusing me of lying and keeping secrets from them. I tried to meet their anger with grace and told them that I really loved and cared about them, and if there was anything I did to hurt them, I’d want to take accountability for it. We eventually had a good talk and decided to try and make things better. We started to spend quality time with each other like before. It was pretty much back to normal but without the sexually charged intimacy. I still didn’t admit my feelings to them and if they had them, they didn’t admit them to me either.

A few more weeks went by and they hit me out of the blue with a text reading “I don’t want to be your friend anymore. I’m just going to pretend like it didn’t happen. Goodbye”. I tried to reel things in and talk to them about why they felt that way, but they were truly livid with me. They accused me of constantly pushing their boundaries regarding intimacy, never opening up to them about what I was going through despite them trying to show me nothing but support, and lying straight to their face multiple times. I started to feel like this was true, and I was delusional for thinking they felt the same way towards me. I tried to clear things up but still, I wouldn’t be honest about my feelings for them, so my efforts really didn’t make much sense. We stopped talking for good when they rejected my offer to meet up and talk a few times in a row of the course of a couple months.

Almost a year later, I heard from a mutual friend/ old coworker that they had accused me of sexually as**ulting them. This was horrifying to me and many of our friends were really concerned at that information. It made me extremely uncomfortable to think that they felt that way about something intimate that happened between us. I also wasn’t sure what exactly they were speaking of at the time, or any details whatsoever of what exactly they said. I told my closest friends I felt like that couldn’t be true from my perspective, and I would never push myself on anyone in any circumstance. I also said that I won’t invalidate their feelings, and if from their perspective that’s how they felt, I’m not going to say they are wrong for feeling that way.

Two more years passed and I’ve almost constantly missed them. I’ve spent a lot of extra time thinking about everything in the last 6 months as I’ve been experiencing another bout of really intense limerence. I keep thinking of how things could have been different if I had just opened up to them and confessed my feelings. Even if it meant we would have had to stop being friends, it would have been better than this outcome. I can’t get it out of my head that they might have wanted to be with me, too. I’ve sent them a couple of texts over the last two years with long-winded apologies. The first one being more of a confession of my past feelings and an apology for hurting them. The second, a whole year later, was basically another apology and heavy on the “I miss you so much”. I never got a reply and I’m not sure if they ever read them.

I felt like the consent between us was implied because of our continued enthusiasm to be intimate with each other, but implied consent is an unsafe idea. Our style of intimacy with no communication was a dangerous thing to continue to act on. It really doesn’t matter if our intimacy was something we were both willing to continue, because we never actually spoke about it. We never talked about how it made us feel or if it was even okay at all. I think of that night and I realize that even if everything until that moment was completely okay for them, if that moment of discomfort and unease felt unsafe for them and I wasn’t aware of that while participating in some sexually charged action, it makes me think I crossed a boundary with them in a serious way and it completely crushes me. I cared about them so much and I let my desire to continue our intimacy overshadow how precious the safety and trust between us was.

I wish I could make things right between us. I never thought I would be the type of person to hurt someone I loved dearly and who I believe loved me too. My biggest fear regarding all this is to think that they felt like I never truly loved them and was taking advantage of their friendship to get intimacy from them. Honestly, I would have dropped anything and everything for them. It’s a shame I felt like I couldn’t tell the person who I was so deeply in love with about my feelings because of my fear of not being chosen. Even with plenty of obvious signs they showed me that they cared so much, too. I let my insecurity ruin something beautiful to an insane degree. Worst of all they were likely also deeply hurt and wounded because of me.

If I had the chance, I would not be so dishonest again. I hope whoever is reading this can avoid the type of mistakes that I made.

I had been limerent to a person for the past three months. For a while, I was not sure about their relationship status. When I finally got confirmed that they are in fact married, I relied on a strategy I had used in the past: learning about their SO to get rid of my limerence.

I am solely doing this by looking up public information. in this case, this was a gold mine: my LO’s spouse is basically the face of her company, there are numbers of stories with her in the companies social media. My LO even makes appearances in some videos. Whenever I start thinking about my LO I try to think about their wife, who seems to be an absolutely amazing person and it helps me to immediately stop thinking about them. I rewatched the company’s stories yesterday to keep the effect.

When I told one of my best friends (who is aware of my LO/limerence), she had a very different opinion. She considered it unhealthy to now obsess over my LOs spouse and not being able to stop my limerence unless there is another woman in the picture. She even went as far as to call it stalking.

I don’t agree with the stalking part, because I believe stalking is to impact someone’s life unpleasantly by overstepping personal boundaries/violating privacy. Which I am imho not doing because all information I‘ve been looking up is public. But I am wondering if my strategy is unhealthy.

I feel like limerence messed up my perception of love. For the whole 25 years of my life I've felt "love" only 4 times (and all times was rejected). And all those times it was limerence and love addiction. I feel like I can't fall in love anymore, like I barely can feel romantic or other attraction. I've tried dating without limerence but it feels like I don't even love my partner and my partner says like I don't love them enough.

Whenever I felt "love" it was worse than any drug addiction. People told me it was more of an illness. But I've never had "healthy" feelings either.

Will I ever actually feel love? What it actually feels like?

I decided to write this temporary post because this is the only place I can share how I feel. If you were in a similar situation, what would you do with the thought of your LO that stays in your head like a stubborn noise when you meet someone or are in the dating phase? Now my anxiety is rising again. I think about the negative qualities of my LO, how he didn't want me in the end despite everything that was between us, and how I had absolutely no prospects for a relationship with him in the short or long term. But now, after a break, it's spinning in my head again, and even when I talk to this person, I feel like I want to become avoidant again. I hate it and wish I was normal.

I had a little bit of joy from seeing his name in my inbox.

He didn't remember a lot of things from one email to the next because he had developed dementia and he was in another country but a least his emails gave me pleasure.

I do have other men showing interest in me, but most of them just want sex and are focused on sex. I am not having sex I just lead them on for someone to talk to and I recently had major surgery so I get away with that.

My husband of twenty years [that I gave up my LO for in October 1998] died in 2015.

Everything is just so colourless.

But I hope I don't get another LO.

And I have this CRAZY idea of selling my house and moving into a less affordable location just to try and get a job working for his daughter- just because it would be a connection to him and a more exciting life.

But even if she hired me my dyspraxia and ADHD would probably get me fired and that is NOT self defeatist talk. [Oh how I wish that easy psychology bullshit was actually true.]

It's unfortunately not "just self defeatist talk" it's what has always happened in my life because employers and other employees generally find my dyspraxia and ADHD symptoms too annoying and this isn't the USA we don't have the ADA here.

Should I go try to get the job? The problem is the location is not near my house. It's a no experience necessary we will train you job.

I kind of have experience but not really I have experience watching someone do the job while I had a different job.

I don’t think i’ve ever been romantically attracted to a man, but I’ve been obsessed with them. I see them once, find them physically attractive, and then do anything I can to indirectly interact with them in hopes that they’ll like me. I’ll go places that they usually hang out, talk to mutual friends, interact with likes on social media, that kind of thing.

It got especially worse with the most recent guy. I would ask friends for pictures of him, and would go to events only because he’d bee there. To be fair though, he was one of the cutest men I’ve seen in my life. I thought of him every waking moment, and even in my dreams. It got so bad my grades started dropping because I couldn’t focus on homework, and I’d be in a bad mood if I didn’t see him that day. The thing is, I love the idea of him liking me, but I hate the idea of dating him. I want to be able to experience a relationship with him without actually being with him, if that makes sense. I feel so out of place because dating and romance comes naturally to all of my friends, so I always think I’m aromantic (NOT asexual). Can someone please help me?

A friendly acquaintance rejected me a while back. We're still on the same uni campus and I run into her and the guy she's close with occasionally. I've been stuck ever since trying to work out whether if he was the reason I got rejected, and I'm deciding whether to send her a short, neutral message or leave it alone permanently. It's a long story but please answer my question: Background below

There’s a story that’s been affecting me for some time so bear with me. I moved to a new city for uni and don’t know anyone. I met this girl from class, “A” and became interested in her. I got her discord and I found she was a friendly person, in week 1 when I missed out on lecture she gave a detailed notes and mostly chatted other stuffs too. She’s a bit older than me and i actually liked her the first moment I saw her too.

In week 3, I asked to grab a coffee together after the lecture. I noticed she was already seated with him, “B” (youngest) and initially I didn’t see him much of a threat. She flatly told me he was just someone from “tutorial from before” which I believed until I found they spent more time outside of class but still at uni too. I also noticed she had a ring on her left hand fourth finger in week 3. B didn’t leave when we were about to part for coffee, and I invited him into the hangout. For example, she had not known that he attended church (when I asked them what they do on the weekends). However, they discovered several things in common, including religion and good at music. Though when she found B went to church, she just said ‘what a small world’ then pivoted to ask me if i went to church as well. She laughed a lot at his jokes and seemed physically oriented toward him. B also mentioned that they had spent part of a lunch break together before the wk 3 lecture. I began feeling like a third wheel, especially since she was laughing hard even before they discovered commonalities. although I believed they had only met a week or two earlier. I remember leaving the coffee thinking ‘really? what is it about him did she see?’ cos I didn’t see B as a threat when I first saw him but after seeing her behaviour had to readjust.

A few weeks after, I asked out A again but this time on an explicit date. She thanked me for the invite but said she was “currently in relationship”. I did accept it gracefully (I thanked her for being honest and wished her luck) and did not continue pursuing her after. That was like a few weeks after the week 3 coffee, not sure if it’s too quick for A to refer to B for the relationship. Tbh I asked her in the middle of the term not really because I thought I had a chance but because I thought asking out at the end of term would be worse/too late till B asks first or something.

Over the rest of the term though, I noticed A and B becoming closer, whilst they did have a group project (from mid term) they paired up at the start of term. Anyway, in the final week, I actually was hoping to say a final goodbye, as a closure. I tried 2 times, arriving the lecture 5 mins early hoping to catch them and just say bye and after the lecture. But I didn’t have the chance to do so because they both arrived to the lecture late together by 20 minutes. I tried to encounter them after the lecture but honestly I saw how two of them were walking close (not touching) but side by side, looking ahead. They weren’t even talking to each other too. And back when I was rejected, I just saw the ring + her statement and thought oh she must be taken (I didn’t intentionally try to steal or ask a taken woman. Whilst I did see the ring, the closeness I saw between her and him made me think it was contradiction). But seeing how close they walked and how they both came to the lecture late together made me confused and we didn’t say bye to each other (it was sort of mutual yea, although someone did murmur as I passed but I couldn’t tell who or what was said but I've wondered since if it was her telling him). She did spend 2 days delay when rejecting me (i saw her typing/untyping for 40 minutes on the day i asked her out but she sent two days after). And if B was the relationship she was referring to , say if A whispered then wouldn’t B have known since week 6? The murmur doesn’t matter to me emotionally much so maybe not productive to dwell on this.

There were few times where I didn’t even leave my room because I felt bad.

Fast forward, us three (more like them + me on the outside, if they even think about me at all) are still in the same program, same campus and uni. There was a break with new term, fresh faces and all that. And yeah, what do u know, we happened to be enrolled in the same course next term too. And there was a mandatory pair project component. I found that A and B were initially not pairs the first lecture, they were in fact in different class too (u had to be in same class for the pair). I don’t think they knew they were taking the course at the very first lecture. But it’s only at the end of the week they paired up and switched to be in the same class. I dropped that course due to other reasons and just thought I moved on.

And a term after (current term), A and B don’t share any classes anymore. I actually ran into B on campus which is what prompted me to start this. And we only had like an hour of coffee last year (me her and him) so I thought he forgot about me (back then he was asking me if i went to like private schools and runs uni society). But in fact when B saw me, he changed direction suddenly, move toward me as if to intercept, there were some pauses as though he wanted to say hello. I later on found out that B doesn’t have any class on that day but A did. She had a class starting at 2pm and I saw him about to leave campus at 2:17 pm (until he saw me and pivoted). I’m not sure if B was with A and spent the break together, before the lecture started. They have no shared course between them. If so it seems to be unusually close into this new term. I wonder if A lied to me when she said she was in a relationship and was developing it with B too.

To be honest when I got rejected romantically, I thought I moved on a week or two afterwards. But I was under the assumption that she was taken BEFORE the term. Ngl constantly seeing her and him together hurt, and some I cannot explain away as ordinary classmate friendliness (like coming to late lecture together or walking close side by side but not touching. actually I never saw touching). And at the week 3 coffee it was when she discovered commonalities with B like they are both Christians and musicians too and I didn’t fit into those two criterias. It was just unlucky so I don’t blame them, when she discoverd church commonalities, she pivoted after and ask if I go to church as well. I don’t blame myself for asking her out because what I felt was real but I also feel like I’m stuck still thinking and all that.

At least academic wise, I got a great internship at the end of this year and will publish a research paper too. I do feel a bit vindicated that I was the bigger person. B is only significant in this story because of her reaction to him. Without A I wouldn’t give a second thought about B, to be very candid with you. (I’ve been carrying all these on the side whilst securing the internship and research publication skull)

How do I stop trying to solve whether A and B were or are together? What should I do? don’t think I can fully accept that I had some brief but for me, intense, connection with her, and that I will never be part of her life. Sometimes I have this urge not to pursue her romantically but to show/insert myself that I did exist. And I don’t want to seem rude or anything that I ‘faded’ because I didn’t get what I wanted. I liked her as a person yea and it’s been a while kinda curious too. Has anyone experienced becoming fixated less on the rejection itself and more on feeling replaced or forgotten? Like what good does it get out of and I do worry I spent so much time.

TBH the whole thing, unlike before, it did make me a lot more cautious not to approach any group especially when it’s just a girl and a guy. Even if they said they’re just ‘classmate’ or ‘friends’. I find it’s easier to hang out with other guys and befriend and less stress too.

I don’t know what to feel good about and whether if I imagined the connection or closeness at all. I remember telling the convo I had with A and the text to few ppl in real life and they said she did like me and ended in wk 6 cooly. I just feel like I need to know to move on

Is that what this all is at the core of it? Spending hours noticing the little details and analysing it as “proof” or “evidence” that they do like us back but reflecting on it now, it’s just so unproductive creating imaginary scenarios and eating it up for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Sure it MIGHT be true, and we wish it was true, but maybe that’s the allure of it? The possibility?

Ugh I need help.

Sorry for long text, TL;DR at the end

So since like 2022 I was madly in love with this nb person, for a long time we were just friend-of-a-friend accquaintances, she always felt way out of my league so I never created expectations, I was even in another happy relationship for a good time and almost forgot about her. Well, after my ex and I broke up, I got closer to this friend of hers and ended up making friends with my crush as well, our relationship got closer and we eventually started going out.

None of it felt real, I was basically going out with the love of my life, I genuinely don't think I've ever felt this intensely about anyone before, and likely never will. She was everything I ever desired in a person, she was kind, shy, interesting, intelligent and with no doubt was the most angelic looking person I've ever seen.

Thing is, she had just got out of a relationship of 3 years, so not long after that I became aware that she wasn't looking for anything too serious

After several months going out and basically only seeing each other, she suddenly became distant and stopped replying to messages, acted indifferent to me in person at times, and I could feel something was wrong. We were still technically together, she would still show affection some times but they were getting rarer with each day.

After a couple weeks of intense anxiety and limerence, I got the courage to talk to her about it and we basically broke up because I was crazy in love and wanted something she couldn't give me. However, she still kept sending me hints and indirect messages from time to time, on some of those "secret messages" she would ask me to wait for her, and show hints that she wanted to give me another chance eventually. Now, I definitelly didn't handle the breakup very well and we had some misunderstandings, which seemed to push her away a bit more every time. We would always talk it out and make peace, to this day she says that she will always feel this fondness towards me but since like a month ago, we had this last talk about some stuff that happened and she basically stopped entertaining it, ever since she just stopped with the signals and the orbiting around me.

Now as for what I'm struggling with is:

It's been well over 8 months since we broke up, we actually got together two times afterwards but as stated, things kept going wrong between us.

The thing is, she obviously knew I was still in love (and still am) and kept showing signals that we could be something eventually, through discord bios and whatnot (it's silly I know but it made me very happy)

After more than eight months.

I still can't stop thinking about her every hour of my life and deep down I still hope she wants to give me another chance one day.

How do you deal with that hope and uncertainty? I can't seem to be able to let go of it, I'm incapable of releasing myself from that idea, I just want to wait for her forever, I know I can't but I literally don't want to be with anybody else if it's not her.

I know these signs could be just games, or she could just be trying to keep me around as a second option, but I so desperately want to believe that she's just healing so she can come back to me. Please.

TL;DR:

She kept sending signals that we would be reunited in the future, and now I don't know how to deal with the hope of having her again one day or the uncertainty that this might just be a game.

I honestly don’t know where to start.
I’ve been in a relationship for almost five years. For a long time I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression, and although my relationship wasn’t abusive or toxic, I had emotionally checked out. I kept questioning whether I still loved my girlfriend, whether I was staying because of guilt, fear, or because she was actually the right person for me. I lived with constant doubt.
Then a coworker came into my life.
At first she was just someone I enjoyed working with. We got along really well, laughed together, and became friends. I never planned for anything to happen because we both had partners.
Then one day she told me she had strong feelings for me.
That completely changed everything.
It felt like someone had turned the lights back on inside me. I hadn’t felt butterflies or excitement in years. I suddenly felt alive again. I started thinking about her constantly. I couldn’t wait to go to work just to see her for a few minutes. I genuinely believed there was something special between us.
But I told her I have someone even it was complicated and that I cared about her as a person and wanted to her so bad in my life.
Sometimes she would make me feel like I mattered so much, and then she’d pull away. I couldn’t understand it. My brain became obsessed with figuring out what was happening. Every interaction became something to analyze.
Then everything exploded.
I opened up completely. I told her how much she meant to me, that I had feelings for her, that I didn’t want to lose her from my life. She told me it was mostly an illusion in my head and that I was making her feel guilty, and that she now has a boyfriend
I kept trying to explain myself because I felt if I could just find the right words she’d finally understand me.
Then one night, around 4 in the morning, she called me crying and asked if I could pick her up.
I didn’t ask questions.
I got out of bed, half asleep, half drunk, got dressed and drove to her immediately because I couldn’t imagine leaving someone I cared about alone in that situation.
It turned out she had a huge fight with her boyfriend. I heard part of it. She cried. She told me I was the first person she thought of. She said she’d sort things out and then we’d meet for coffee and have a long talk.
I waited.
She never came.
Instead she became cold.
I felt so hurt that I called her and told her it felt disrespectful to leave me waiting like that. She said she’d call me later.
The next day I still couldn’t function. I went to work just because she was there. I wasn’t even scheduled to there but I went anyway hoping maybe we’d talk.
We didn’t
I waited days
Later after I drank, I called her again and told her how much she’d hurt me.
She told me I was guilt-tripping her because I’d helped her.
Then she told me she didn’t want me to call her anymore and that she needed space.
That was it.
Now I’m left completely broken.
The worst part isn’t even that she rejected me.
It’s that I can’t stop.
I replay imaginary conversations with her hundreds of times a day.
I keep looking for explanations.
I keep wondering if she really loved me.
If she lied.
If I misunderstood everything.
If she panicked.
If she still cares.
If I had said something different.
Every answer creates another question.
I know I should stop contacting her.
I know I should respect her boundary.
Logically I know all of this.
Emotionally I feel like my brain refuses to accept that the story is over.
What’s confusing is that I’m not even sure I want a relationship with her anymore after everything that’s happened. I’m not sure I’d even trust the situation if she suddenly came back.
Yet I still feel an overwhelming need for her, or maybe for answers from her.
It feels like my mind is addicted to hope even when hope is hurting me.
I’ve started wondering whether this is limerence rather than love, because I have a partner, and I am hurting her with me during this drama and believe me thats the least thing I want to do

I think my LO and I have mutual limerence. He's from my office, we actually did go on a few dates. I called it off because he made a couple of deal-breaker comments about not liking politics, and it seems highly likely he will move abroad at some point. I like my country, and having previously lived abroad, I'm unsure I would again. He's also made comments about having no money saved which is a key value difference to me. However, after I rejected him, he asked to hang out, at first just a coffee at work. It was awkward at first and I'd clearly hurt him, but then I asked him to hang out outside of work a while later, and even though whenever we hang out as friends I see some of his problematic side, I still feel obsessed. He seems really drawn to me too, in the office he came up to my desk today, asked me if I'd join his team for lunch (I declined, went with my team) and when he left before me, we caught each others' eye and he waved goodbye to me and I waved back. All sounds basic, but he liked me first and I wasn't sure. Feels like he has put some kind of spell on me. I am totally single but yet I don't feel it at all with this guy and have been considering trying to revisit it. I know it's not a good idea. He's showing up in my dreams again too...I need to remind myself that he is not the person my mind thinks he is.

In the siren song:

Told you what you most want, is what you most can't have.

And what you most can't have, is what you already had, and lost.

It was the song of all the promises I failed to keep.

Has anyone ever had this thought? "Do I even like my LO?"

"Wanting" and "Liking" are two different things at a brain level. "Wanting" is dopaminergic, "liking" is hedonic (endocannabinoids). These are separate circuits that don't interfere with each other, unlike what we would like to think.

Limerence is a primarily dopaminergic experience ("want" circuit), and us humans confusing "wanting" with "liking" quite easily. In fact, most people know what they want, but have no idea what they like.

And that really made me think: I don't really like my LO, even though I deeply want her.

• She's cold-hearted and calculating. Warmth from her seems almost dosed, as if she is constantly balancing how much affection to give;
• She's a workaholic with "no time for messy emotions";
• She's selfish, self-centered and unapologetic over her own mistakes. She led me on and gave me hope, only to avoid me (she's a Dismissive-Avoidant);
• ... and more.

And I hate it that I want someone like that. I usually dislike people like that and wouldn't approach them if I was paid to. I dislike the way she acts and dislike her overall posture. I feel anxious and fearful when next to her, my heartbeat spikes and I get a legitimate stress-response from hearing her voice, yet it sickens me that I can't stop desiring her.

It just so happened that the blueprint in my sick brain just had to make it get the damn glimmer for someone I would otherwise really dislike to point of refusing to even try interacting with them.

The second thing is that, when you know what you like, the contrast is just so huge. You don't get any "high" from the stuff you like; it's just this oddly comforting feeling that "feels way too calm to be any good".

• Women I like make me feel at peace. My LO, who I want, gives me crippling anxiety;
• Women I like feel so easy to talk to. My LO, who I want, is someone my body wants me to run from;
• Women I like make space for me to be vulnerable. My LO, who I want, would get inconvenienced by any of that;
• Women I like might like me too. My LO, who I want, would never.

I wish I could just learn how to want the things I like.

Do any of you go through the same?

Howdy. I made a playlist about limerence, which is obvously a very normal and healthy thing to spend this much time on....

It’s personal to my own taste, but still tries to capture the messy experience of longing, idealization, delusion, jealousy, tenderness, emotional dependency, and convincing yourself small things meant more than it did.

What limerent songs did I miss? Anything you would remove ?

The Limerent Object Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2uRPajtzctOkgSc0utA6kk?si=f30c935d89814cfa

Please be honest, but maybe not TOO honest...

Hello there!

Just wanted to share that, as someone diagnosed with ADHD, and using music as daily crutch, it helped to change my playlist from my LO-centered one to my old liked songs :)

I was able to clean my room today because of that! But when I woke up I was just lying down listening to my songs for my LO and thinking about him again. So i let myself listen maybe 3x over? Then made coffee, and played to my liked songs playlist. After this post, I'll be working on my task list.

The night before, I also journaled on my laptop about how my LO and i could never be together just because of the distance and my existing responsibilities as a single mom. He's also a single dad. I cried for sure. But i guess it was good to let that out.

Just an important note though. Knowing what i know now, I decided I will go meet my LO in six months instead of a year, have some fun, and end whatever this thing we're having is.

There's no way I can cut off contact to get over my obsession with them, and frankly, I would never want to do that. And most of the posts in this subreddit are people who were romantically involved with their LO. So just looking for some advice for my situation, lol.