Recién me pasó pero él era mi ex y ahora está casado. No sé cómo manejarlo

I want to know if anyone who was the dumper had a similar experience to my ex I’m not asking for hope because everyone’s different but to tell me how they feel after from what my story as the person who was dumped, my ex, he just broke up with me though so right now he probably feels like he’s free, he randomly started pushing me away from him and I started to notice and like a dummy I started to overwhelm him by asking him too much and putting to much pressure to keep our relationship alive and romantic and then when he would pull away I’d complain like an idiot looking back I felt with how everything was I just was scared to loose him and acted selfishly, he love bombed me everything was about me and he was super insecure so he even at times would be controlling, then started to pull away he started being less affectionate and even at times started pointing my flaws out and it scared me we both definitely acted poorly I’d be scared and beg and ask him more then once if everything was ok , he wouldn’t open up and push me away more he eventually one day after i asked him why he wasn’t holding my hand or cuddling me told me he couldn’t take it we had had our little fights because he would push me away and get irritated by me offering to help or asking him if he was okay and just me being insecure atp and he broke up with me then that night he said let’s stay together then a week later he broke up with me again… he cried both times he said let’s break up he cried so much and then told me he didn’t love me the same and said along the lines that I deserve someone better, who isn’t dealing with past traumas and overwhelmed by there own problems he said he didn’t want to bring me down with him he then asked to be friends which I accepted at first then rejected becase I still had and have much love for him and still feel like I can feel his pain, he was my 2nd bf but my first LOVE, he may move away to a different country in two years and I feel it made me break fully and tell himself he didn’t love me the same and so he left… I was dumb and kept begging after eventually he blocked me on instagram but kept me on everything else…. I am trying not to hold hope but my heart still aches and I pray for him everyday.

Currently in the depths of heartbreak over someone I thought was my perfect person, but sadly his feelings for me plateaued. Although we didn’t know eachother that long (4 months) I’m personally I’m finding this harder than my two longer term relationships which were both 4 years each, and I guess it was easier because I was on the other side of the breakup. When something ends this early it’s so easy to put them on a pedestal and romanticise what could have been because we haven’t seen the good, the bad and the ugly. The problem is, I can’t even find any faults with him. He was emotionally and physically my perfect person, someone I thought felt safe with and the sad reality is he just didn’t feel the same way. When and how will this get better?

Él está casado con otra ahora Pero deseo tanto que se divorcie y poder volver con él

I’m 22, and I’ve had this friendship with my best friend for about 6.5 years. She’s a family friend, and for most of that time, we were in daily contact and very close. She was a huge part of my life, and even though we had fights over the years, we always seemed to find our way back to each other.

The problem is that this became a repeated pattern. We would fight, she would say the friendship was over, sometimes block me, sometimes stop replying completely, and then after some time we would talk again. This happened more than once, and every time it would leave me confused, anxious, and desperate to fix things. I know now that I handled a lot of it badly by not giving space, but in the moment I was always scared of losing her and kept trying to repair things immediately.

The first big breakup was in February 2022. We had a fight, and I kept texting her after it. She got overwhelmed, blocked me from everywhere, and said we would never talk again. I was devastated. But after around 20 to 25 days, she texted me “Hi,” and we started talking again. That was the first time I really realized that even when she said it was over, it sometimes wasn’t actually the end.

Then in November 2022, it happened again. We fought, she said the friendship was over, and she stopped talking to me. I kept trying for a while, sent her a voice note and a custom-made online card, and eventually she said okay and we started talking again. That reinforced the pattern in my head that if I just tried hard enough, she would eventually come back.

In August 2023, we had another fight. I kept apologizing and trying to talk to her, and she was much firmer this time. She told me the friendship had ended, that it was ended and ended, and that if I sent one more message she would block me from everywhere. I didn’t reply after that. Then, two days later, she sent me a post saying “shutting down instead of communicating is just as toxic as arguing,” and she also texted me, “can we talk?” That same time, she ended our 465-day Snapchat streak, which hit me hard because it felt like a visible sign that the connection was breaking. But even then, the friendship didn’t end permanently, because she came back to talk.

In September 2023, she again ended the friendship. I tried for about 20 days, and eventually she agreed to give me a last chance.

In October 2023, she ended it again, saying that we are family and we shouldn’t be talking like friends anymore, and that the friendship was over. But by the end of October, after my constant efforts, she started talking to me again.

In December 2023, she suddenly stopped talking to me out of nowhere and didn’t explain why. She just told me I should not text her anymore. I kept trying, but she didn’t reply. Then in January 2024, she texted me herself, and we started talking again.

Then in late May 2024, she stopped talking to me again without warning and didn’t give a reason. I kept texting her until mid-July, but she didn’t reply even once. On 11th July 2024, I texted her “there?” and she replied “yes,” and we started talking again. So even after long silence, she still came back eventually.

One thing that makes this more complicated is that from October 2023 until July 2024, I was living at her house because of university. After July 2024, I moved back home because I switched universities. That living situation meant we were around each other a lot more during some of these ups and downs, and I think that added to the emotional intensity and confusion.

From October 2024 until June 2026, things were actually really good. She was the best with me during this time. We were talking regularly, sharing things, and the bond felt strong again. We last called on 22nd June 2026. After that, she started avoiding calls but still kept talking over text. She even shared something with me on 26th June, so it didn’t feel like she had completely cut me off at that point.

Then I went to her house to visit. On the first day, she was normal, but the next morning, after she woke up, her behavior changed. She started avoiding me and seemed distant. When I came back home, I kept texting her, and she would reply, but only with one-word answers. It felt like a wall had come down between us.

At the end, I asked her, “What happened to you? Are you angry at me?” She didn’t reply to that message at all. She also stopped sending a snap to maintain our streak, and our 469-day Snapchat streak ended. That hurt a lot, because it felt like a visible sign that the daily connection we had maintained for years was gone.

I later sent her a long apology message telling her that I knew I had annoyed her, that I had been trying to fix things and only made them worse, and that I was sorry and would not do it again. She seen-zoned it and didn’t reply.

That’s where I am now. I know I’ve messed up at times by chasing too hard, over-texting, and not respecting space. I also know this friendship has a very long history of breaking apart and then coming back together. But this time feels different to me. It feels colder, quieter, and more final than before. At the same time, her past pattern makes it hard for me to fully believe it’s over for good.

I’m posting because I don’t know how to read this anymore. Is this just another phase of distance like before, or is this the time she really means it? Should I still hold onto hope, or should I accept that this is the end?

This story of my heartbreak from the girl of my dreams literally she always has been and i thought our love was so real and genuine. we recently had a daughter whom i love to death and we were a family and that felt so good to have something. I come from knowing only brokenness and I was so joyful about being a family man. but one day, everything went south, just did. no reason. no closure, we spoked of getting married and there was no signs. it blows my fucking mind.. caught her yesrterday with some other dude dropping her off and i rushed that mf truck and tried pulling him out and i had so much rage i wanted to literally fuck him off so bad, ran over my foot. but anyway after alll that and crying a lot all week then that topped it just did it, relapsed hard a week ago, now im full blown just down on drugs, lots of them, and i wanna die lowkey. i dont know how to coparent even after this betrayal... id edplain more guys i just dont have the energy to do so. the thought of up and leaving states and just not talking to anyone sounds oddly appealing and at the same time gut wrenching but it feels like its what i need. where im at, im not living, im exhausted.

I (25F) caught my boyfriend (24M) of 3 years and my best friend (23F) cuddling and kissing each other together, after which they tried to gaslight me into believing they were being affectionate like siblings while simultaneously sleeping together behind my back. I was in a relationship with a guy, let's call him "Tony," for three years. He chased me for six months before I finally said yes. Bringing me bouquets, standing for hours outside my house in the sun when he did something that pissed me off. He made endless promises he never kept, and while we had our on-and-off phases, I truly believed our bond was real. I was focused on building my career, keeping my head down, keeping him happy, and staying loyal. What I didn't know was Tony was cheating on me with multiple girls throughout our relationship. He was also scamming people, me included, misrepresenting the value of stuff we were dependent on him for, and selling it to us at 10x the price he got it for at the minimum, while acting as if he were doing us a favor for selling it at the same price he was getting it for. Stealing from his own girlfriend and her best friend. While he was active possesive even if another guy exhaled in my direction. Then came the ultimate betrayal. Tony and my ex-best friend, let's call her "Sara," started sleeping together behind my back for at least half a year, all while my stupid ass kept thinking he was loyal to me, my best friend also acting as if she was looking out for me. There were signs, but you never expect something like this from 2 people you love badly, so sadly, I subconsciously convinced myself that it wasn't the case.

The "Sibling Bond" and the Group Therapy Cover-Up.

The extreme level of sociopathy/psychopathy they displayed during those six months was mind-wrenching. Sara would have sleepovers at my house, acting like a ride-or-die best friend while telling me Tony was a complete asshole. Why were you sleeping with him then, dumbass? Tony would show up outside my house, playing the part of the devoted, loyal boyfriend. They literally started going to therapy together. When I asked Tony what was going on, he casually lied and said, "Oh, she’s just accompanying me since she knows that therapist and she also suffers from anxiety like me. Yes anxiety which increases their heart rate which makes them suffer from tremor and shaking suddenly makes their privates stuff playing with each other. Whenever I felt something was off, Tony would guilt-trip me, claiming I "wasn't available enough" because I was working on my career. If you would look at our relationship from a bird's-eye view, he was acting like the manipulative girlfriend they show in stupid, overly stereotypical TV shows, while I was the boyfriend juggling all the stressful shit. I was the one paying for 90% of his stuff; I was the one paying for our dates. I was the one actually working while he just picked symptoms from his best friend, who is actually severely depressed, and acted as if he had it too so that he didn't have to work. He was also a pothead. He was also on an extremely controlled drug, which he said he needed to use so that he could get stuff done faster and so that he could focus. I don't know the name of it. I asked his friend, but he told me that Tony specifically told him to not tell me. It was something like coke, is what I remember from what he told me. He was also on some other harmful drugs. He was also on another drug that he got my ex best friend addicted to. Not saying it wasn't her fault, but the thing is, he purposefully got her addicted to it because apparently it makes you hornier; he even got me to try it under false pretenses, but I never liked it. Obviously she carries personal responsibility for choosing to do stupid shit, but I know he gave it to her with malevolent intentions, as he tried the same shit with me. I don't know how I ignored all these red flags. He wasn't even fucking good-looking; idk what the fuck is wrong with me. Why was I begging him to change and become like the guy he was 3 years ago crazy for me. One night, I caught them being overly affectionate, cuddling and kissing each other on the cheek. When I called them out, they looked me dead in the eye and claimed it was just a "sibling bond."

The Behind-the-Back Mockery & The "Medication" Excuse

While they secretly slept together.They didn't even respect each other. They spent half their time brutally mocking one another and the other half trying to show me why the other is bad for me behind closed doors while cooking up absurd excuses for why they were hanging out. Sara on Tony: "Why would anyone like Tony? He looks so chopped. He is literally obese. That's so disgusting. I’m only hanging out with him because he’s suicidal and forces me to meet him or he’ll just khs.” She also claimed she needed "emotional support" because her close relative had died. That was her go-to excuse, btw. Why did you cheat? My relative died. Why didn't you tell me before? My relative died. She wasn't even fucking attached to that specific relative as far as I know, because she was fucking my ex bf when her parents went for that close relative funeral. She never mentioned her previously before to any significant degree. Tony on Sara: "Why would I ever want her? She’s not even beautiful.” (He would also make fun of how easy she is to anyone who would listen, and made fun of her facial features and skintone)

Tony's Absurd Excuse

To top it off, Tony claimed the only reason he was talking to her and messing around was that he was on antidepressants, which allegedly made him "unable to understand what he was doing." Apparently, his medication magically forced him to cheat for six months straight. (He wasn't even on them for half the time, by the way.) Despite calling each other ugly and pathetic, they were actively in a Friends With Benefits dynamic behind my back.

The 2-Month Groveling Phase

When I first caught them talking behind my back (before the physical cheating was confirmed), I was ready to drop them both immediately.That’s when the two-month circus began. Both of them begged, cried, and threw out every excuse in the book to keep me from leaving. Tony pulled out every grand gesture imaginable to get my forgiveness.The moment I refused to immediately wipe the slate clean, said its most likely over and asked for time to think to reconsider if i ever would, their fake remorse vanished.

The Reverse Gaslighting & Smear Campaign

The moment they realized their manipulation tactics weren't working, the moment they realized that I can't even handle the sight of them, they panicked and joined forces against me. After trying to stab each other's backs for months just to save their friendship with me, they both tried so fucking hard, it's crazy to me how someone can do such a huge 180°. It's fucking insane. Suddenly, Tony went back to, "She’s like a sister to me!" (Who sleeps with their sister?). Sara shifted to, "You were a terrible friend because you weren't available when I was crying! ; even though she had never called me. And honestly, all either of them did was cry, it gets so annoying after a while. Smoke pot, cry, lie around, and repeat. This was their life, while I was grinding my ass off to make something out of myself.

The Fake Victimhood

Sara started bragging about how she’s an "honest person who doesn't manipulate people," while utterly ignoring the fact that she fucked her best friend's boyfriend for months. Do you guys see how comical that is? She is completely blind to how brutally he slandered her behind her back.

The Smear Campaign

When they realized I wasn't coming back, they fabricated a lie that I was the one who cheated and tried to turn our entire social circle against me. They claimed I was playing "mind games" and "ruining their mental health." I am a bad person, irritating both of them since months. Fortunately, our mutual friends aren't stupid. They already knew Tony was a pathological liar. My friends backed me up, saw right through their circus, and completely shut them out. Then he started telling my personal stuff and past to make me look like an evil person in front of his and Sara's friends. But I never exposed his traumas and past. I was only exposing the wrong things he did to me. It's crazy how honest and good his friends are, how he exploits them, and how they still look after his ass like I did all this while.

The Final Confrontation & Going Below the Belt

When I finally unearthed the ultimate truth that it was physical cheating the entire time. I confronted them. Instead of showing an ounce of human accountability, Tony switched to pure rage-baiting. When he realized he couldn't manipulate me anymore, he decided to hit below the belt and use my deepest past traumas against me. He tried to make me feel small, claiming I was "not enough" and "incapable of giving love." That is rich coming from a scammer, a liar, and a cheater who couldn't handle the consequences of his own actions. I trusted him with my vulnerabilities, and he weaponized them because his fragile ego couldn't handle being exposed.

The Aftermath

In the end, he even tried to blackmail two of my friends with false rumors, but they already knew the truth and stood by me. They wanted to play like they were master manipulators, but all they succeeded in doing was exposing themselves as spineless cowards. Two disloyal cheaters who don't even trust each other deserve to sit in the messy, chaotic circus they built together. I walked away with clean hands, my dignity intact, my friends by my side, and my career ahead of me. They get to spend the rest of their lives knowing they lost a genuine person and having to live with each other. I was obviously sad for a while, but now I am starting to get over it. In the end they are still trying everything to ruin my life by spreading wrong things about me and using my past against me. They are trying to justify why they both were cheating on me. But even if I am the bad person you can never justify cheating and then 2 months of begging without telling me the whole truth. Till the end they both thought I don't know about physical cheating they thought I only knew how they both were talking to each other behind my back. Cheating and betrayal cannot be justified when you did it with someone whom you called your girlfriend or your best friend. If they don't see their mistakes and treat cheating like a fun game then they are not only mentally unstable but also the villains of their own lives. I believe in karma what goes around comes around.

I’m 23M and my ex is 23F.

We were together for roughly three years, and the relationship was very serious. She became my closest person and, emotionally, it felt more like a marriage than a casual relationship, even though we still lived separately with our parents.

I ended things because I had gradually become exhausted by the dynamic between us. I often felt responsible for regulating her emotions, reassuring her, resolving conflicts and carrying the relationship forward. She struggled with communication, self-regulation and setting boundaries with her family, particularly her mother. I also worried that her family dynamic would become a permanent source of conflict in our future.

Over time, I started feeling less like her partner and more like her caretaker. I became resentful, lost some respect for her and questioned whether being with her was making my life smaller and less peaceful.

I wasn’t blameless. I became avoidant and emotionally inconsistent. At times, I kept her close even though I was already questioning the relationship because I was afraid of losing her before I knew what I wanted. I know that this hurt her and probably made the breakup more confusing than it needed to be.

We had an initial breakup around February, reconciled, and then separated again in May. Since then, we have had a few emotionally intense encounters. We slept together once after breaking up, which made everything more painful and confusing.

For additional context, she initiated the sex and continued asking after I initially refused. Eventually, I gave in. I know I was weak in that moment, and afterward I told her that we could not do it again. I believe that, for her, it was partly an attempt to feel connected to me again. I did not experience it as casual or gratifying. Afterward, I felt extremely empty and dirty.

I am not saying this to remove responsibility from myself. I could still have maintained my refusal, and I know that sleeping together made an already unclear situation worse. I carry a great deal of guilt about how muddy and painful the entire breakup became.

She repeatedly told me that she loved me, wanted a future with me and was willing to work on herself. She has since started therapy and appears to be making some real changes. She has recognised her dependency, begun distancing herself from unhealthy friendships and says she is working on boundaries with her family. She has also become more open to plans that previously caused conflict between us, such as potentially moving to another city.

She has told me that she would continue therapy even if we reconciled. I think that matters because I would not want either of us to treat reconciliation as evidence that the work was finished.

I rejected a couple of opportunities to try again because I didn’t trust that the changes were stable, and I was afraid that she would simply perform whatever version of herself she thought I wanted. I don’t want a relationship built on fear, compliance or her constantly trying to prove that she is good enough for me.

Recently, after several weeks of reflection, I contacted her because I thought there might be a possibility of rebuilding the relationship slowly. She told me that she still needs more time to heal and is not ready to see me yet. She said that seeing me would risk undoing the progress she had made during no contact, particularly the progress of resisting the urge to message or interact with me.

I understand and respect that. We have already broken no contact and re-entered each other’s lives several times, and each time seems to have reopened the wound for both of us. Still, her message made me afraid that she no longer wants to be with me at all, even though that may not be what she actually meant.

The truth is that I do want her back. What frightens me is not really her as a person. It is the underlying system of the relationship: the communication problems, the influence of her family, the unhealthy friendships around her and the possibility of returning to the same caretaker dynamic.

At the same time, I think part of what destroyed us was that we both stopped actively taking care of the relationship. We began to take each other for granted. I became heavily focused on work and my career, while she was dealing with stress involving her job and her family. Instead of supporting each other properly, we both became overwhelmed and emotionally unavailable. I think we burned out under the accumulated stress and pressure.

I love her deeply and miss the tenderness, companionship and sense of home we had. I genuinely think she is the best woman I have met, and she is one of the people who knows me most deeply. I can imagine marrying her and having a family with her.

At the same time, I remember how drained, trapped and resentful I felt near the end. I don’t know whether I genuinely want to build a healthier relationship with her or whether I am reacting to grief, loneliness and the fear of permanently losing someone who loved me intensely.

The changes I would need in order to reconcile are mainly better and more honest communication, stronger boundaries with her family, more emotional self-regulation and independence, and a relationship in which I am her partner rather than her emotional caretaker.

I also know that I would have to change. I would need to communicate my doubts earlier, stop withdrawing when I feel overwhelmed, make more room for the relationship alongside my work and ambitions, and avoid treating the relationship as something I can leave and return to while I figure myself out.

I realise that I may have understood what I wanted later than I should have. That is selfish, and I know she may no longer be willing to take the risk of trusting me again. But I do love her, and I believe there may be something worth rebuilding if both of us are genuinely willing to confront the problems rather than simply resume the old relationship.

Would you consider reconciliation in this situation, or does the fact that I repeatedly chose to leave mean that I should accept the consequences and let her move on?

How can I distinguish between genuinely wanting to build a new relationship with her and simply struggling to tolerate the finality of the breakup?

TL;DR: I ended a serious three-year relationship because I felt emotionally drained and worried about our communication, her family’s influence and an unhealthy caretaker dynamic. We both also stopped prioritising the relationship while dealing with outside stress. She has started therapy and appears to be making meaningful changes, and I now think I may want to rebuild the relationship. She says she needs more time to heal before seeing me. I love her, but I am afraid of repeating the same underlying problems. How do I know whether reconciliation would be healthy or whether I should let her move on?

I met someone some three months ago and it's like he wanted to have intimacy on the first encounter I refused and he changed a lot to a point that am now on his block list.Well have gone through several heartbreaks but this one hurts for three months I have only been thinking of him.

cant engage with the world around me, cant distract myself, so many bad thoughts. my self worth is so low and my regrets are so many

it was mutual too. but i just feel like fucking shit. it gets worse every day somehow. wish i could just fall asleep. i feel like she is fine, she doesnt message me much but when she does i just feel worse because she seems fine

I need advice. My boyfriend and I broke up last Friday. I love that man with my whole being. I was always his number one fan, his biggest supporter. I put so much effort into the relationship

STORY:

He has been struggling with his mental health for the last 6 months but only opened up to me about it on Friday, the day we broke up. I could sense emotional distance from him and begged him to open up to me, but he remained closed. He says that the reason he never opened up to me, is because he felt that he had to seem “okay” and “perfect” (rooted in his childhood upbringing).

I can’t understand why this has happened, as he says I have never done anything wrong and that I “don’t deserve” him. But I said I wanted to be there through thick and thin because that’s what love and a relationship are about. But still, he’s left.

This breakup came seemingly out of the blue, although he said he’s been thinking about it for 4 months. He’d even bought my birthday present which is in a month’s time, and planned trips over the next few months too. I was going to spend the weekend with him, but he made a seemingly sudden decision on a random Friday to end it.

He said he still wanted to talk, and see me next weekend, which I said no to. Because that’s no different. I said at least a month apart. (I don’t know if he said that to make the break up easier for me?) Also, I was meant to get my stuff from his the day after, and he still asked if I could rather come next weekend to get it. I said no.

The minute I left, he went on a hike alone. He also went on a late night drive along the mountains, and sat at a lookout point. He has flown home to his parents too.

THE QUESTION:

I want to get back together with him. I told him that we can still make things work if he changes his mind and wants to try, and to reach out when he’s had time to reflect and gain clarity. I worry that a month no contact is too long, because I want him to want to try. I know he was the one who broke up with me, but I don’t know if I should reach out sooner, after 2.5/3 weeks instead of waiting a month (my birthday)? This silence is killing me, but I also feel that I should give him the space he asked for. I also want him to feel my absence in his life.  I don’t have closure yet.

Should I wait for him to reach out, or should I reach out before a month if he doesn’t? Or do I wait the full month, and reach out if he hasn’t? Or do I take the silence as the answer?

I had contact with this guy for 4 weeks, we texted everyday, he shared his breakup with his 12 year relationship. The ex is a monster, struggling with some serious mental issues. She has been violent towards him, punching him, threatening him with a wife. They have two kids together. I met him on Saturday and we had so much fun, cuddling. I finally could be vulnerable and I felt so safe with him. We didn’t sleep. We just laughed and I guess I felt in love.
The ex called him every hour or so wanted him to prove he was alone. After a fun night on Sunday she sent a picture with a positive pregnancy test. He was crushed. And he cried and he doesn’t want the child. The ex is happy and now believes that they are gonna be a happy family. He changed towards me like I was a friend. So after a while I just went home. I got a cold hug and I feel stupid. He said let’s keep in touch, but I haven’t heard anything. I think he’s going back to her. I have never been so vulnerable to someone before. I’m crushed.

I can’t eat, or sleep I work out majority of the night to help with anxiety. I loved this man more than anything and begged him to get therapy for Us and our family. After what happened July 4th weekend I am destroyed and can’t believe what he did to me and our son. There is no way someone could truly love you and threaten to kill you and his own child, slap someone in the face multiple times and actually love them. I really need help to get over this I cannot take him back or break this time or beg him to change any more.

who do you genuinely talk to when you don’t have friends and your boyfriend anymore? i feel so alone every single day and right now im fighting the biggest urge to just break no contact and talk to him because he was seriously the only person i could confide in. i tried texting him last week because i really needed someone to talk to and needed some comfort and after i was done venting to him he didn’t wanna speak with me anymore. i promised i wouldn’t text him again and bother him because that’s what he wanted but i only said that because i didn’t want him to block me after i was done venting. i seriously feel like im spiraling and i have no one to talk to this about, it seriously hurts my heart so much that i can’t talk to him about this anymore because he was my best friend and told him everything about me. i carry his hopes and dreams and even his secrets and he carries mine. i don’t know who to talk to without feeling like im a bother to anyone, i want to talk about this endlessly but i want someone to actually listen

My chest feels heavy. My throat feels tight. My mouth is dry. My nose is hot. My eyes are heavy. My hands tremble. My legs tingle. I feel like my mind is floating.

The pain is visceral. The grief is—grief is profound.

I had not yet found a love that felt real; now that I know, I am changed. The love I have for her transcends words. There is no amount of writing that would ever do it justice.

All my life, I’ve only encountered love, true love, once. The rest were counterfeits.

When I lived with my grandparents, I was truly loved. I did wrong, I was broken, I was different, and God, they loved me. There was nothing I could do or say that would have changed that. I was a troublemaker at times. My grandma loved me through it. She saw the brokenness in me and loved me regardless.

My grandpa was on oxygen. He didn’t speak very clearly because the cancer made him very short of breath. But even in small whispers, I knew he saw the world in me. He loved me endlessly.

They were my first and only exposure to true unconditional love. Love with them was selfless. They wanted the best for me. They lifted me up, listened, and supported me. They were so proud of me, whatever I did.

Losing them felt like living in cement. My body was physically heavy. I threw up. I cried. I still cry.

How do you carry on without the loves of your life?

I’ve been told I was loved before, and after them. People who hurt me, people who judged me and made me feel less than, people who used me as a punching bag. I thought that was love, and my grandparents were just special. Their kind of love only comes from grandparents; it doesn’t exist anywhere else.

Real-world relationships are conditional. Love is earned, not free.

I accepted being physically abused, emotionally tormented, and ignored. I thought that was the price to be loved. It was all I knew, aside from a few years as a teenager.

I looked online for connection, only to find people who would say anything to get what they wanted from me, then turned their backs on me when I reacted. That love hurt more than anything. It wasn’t worth it.

It was when I was least expecting it that it came organically. No swiping, no negotiating, no questioning my worth or how much pain I’m willing to bear.

It was soft. It was gentle and attentive. I didn’t feel the desperation of trying to get my needs met and feeling like they were too much to ask.

I was broken. I made mistakes. I was far from perfect. She looked at me like I put the stars in the sky.

That distant memory of unconditional love came back.

The funny thing about being loved is it pulls me away from rational thought. I start to think it is perfect, that I need it, and if it feels right, it has to work out.

But that isn’t love; it’s attachment.

I might receive love, but I cling with desperation and fear of losing it, unconditional or not. That is the side of me I’ve yet to make full peace with, because underneath that desperation is a girl who felt too broken to really be loved by anyone.

She was not broken, but I still feel her emptiness decades later.

In this version of love, the only familiar love I’ve felt since I was a teen, I feel peace. That is something I do not experience frequently.

When I am with her, I don’t need to prove I am lovable. She just loves me. I don’t need to perform. I can just exist, and she makes me feel calm.

There is a level of nostalgia paired with novelty in our connection. It’s like my soul found the rare beam of light that went missing when my grandparents died, but this time it’s fuller and more radiant.

She’s someone I feel like I’ve known forever. Being with her is easy.

I want all the best things in the world for her. I want her to be happy. I want her to be joyful.

She deserves freedom, unconditional support, softness, and comfort. She deserves autonomy. She deserves to be exactly who she is without fear or rejection.

She deserves a soft place to land. She deserves to be heard and seen. She deserves to be understood. She deserves to never feel like a burden, but to be cared for without having to beg for it.

She deserves all the things in this life that bring her joy, peace, and comfort.

I want to know that she is safe. I want to know she is never in harm’s way and can relax in her own space.

I want her to feel connected to her family and community in ways that fill her cup. I want her to have the relationship with God that she craves and works toward.

And I know that’s how she feels toward me.

This love is not compulsive. It is gentle and safe. It is an open hand, a full hug, a soft voice.

It is remembering little details. It is being reminded of them when they’re not there. It is respecting them.

It is trust. It is real. It is selfless.

The flesh in me wants her for myself, but I would ruin her life.

It hurts knowing I am poison. It hurts knowing she is medicine.

She says she will ask for me in the afterlife, and that I am what she wants most. She says I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to her.

She says life isn’t a movie. She says I am a test. She says she can’t have everything she wants.

She says loving men feels like a sin, but I feel right.

I ask for reassurance. I feel grief again.

I feel like I’m living in cement.

My body is physically heavy. I cried. I cry. I will cry again.

How do you carry on without the love of your life?

As a kid I used to get nauseous every day. My parents never figured out what it is. The doctor said I’d grow out of it. I took medicine every night but it didn’t help. I would be doubled over in pain every night.

I felt that stabbing feeling again. Like my body is on fire. That unsettled feeling is back.

I feel like I’m dying. Not in the sense that I want to die. In the sense that my body was thrown into the Atlantic. Like a cold shock of impending doom.

I have done it before. I will do it again. But like before, part of me dies again. I am changed for the better. And I’m grateful. And I will cry for her the way I cry for them. A love this rare is something I will always cherish. A love like this is a gift. A loss like this is too painful for words. All I can say is I am changed. And I will always carry it. All of it. I feel like I’ve died.

How do you carry on without the love of your life?