I am new to co-parenting a 10 month old (who has separation anxiety) while going through a contentious divorce. Today was her first full day away from me with her father who she hasn’t seen in person for a few months (I didn’t get every thing I wanted in the temporary visitation agreement so we’ve done outside the court order to get her used to him with short visits prior to this). She was upset for much of the day according to my mother who brought her to the public visitation meeting place (to be there if she’s needed but hang back). She has recordings of her crying/distressed at various points.

She calmed down later so I did a FaceTime and the baby started crying and got red in the face. We ended the call so as to not make it worse. She and I are close but I fear her crying will be used against me somehow, because she hasn’t cried upon seeing them on FaceTime. And he immediately documented that it was the only time she cried that day but that is untrue and I have proof.

Is this normal for her to get upset upon seeing me or is this going to be used against me? She and I are. Rey close

Just looking for some feedback to see how other people do this. If your child wants to do a particular activity (sports, theater, etc), do you stick to finding things that only occur on your parenting days, or do you recruit your co-parent to help get them to and fro if the activity is on their parenting day?

My child (10) wants to be a part of a theater group that rehearses on Mondays. They have dinner with their father on Tuesdays. Typically, they have a martial arts class on Mon+Wed, but with the upcoming theater obligation, I would want to switch to Tuesday+Thursdays until the play is over. Coparent is giving me a hard time about helping out on Tuesdays because it doesn't give them much time to have dinner (class is from 6-7, close to my home about 25 mins from his home). Is this my problem to figure out because I'm the one handling signups and paying for activities or is it okay to encourage my child's father to help with this?

Trying to co-parent is hard enough. Now one signature could stop our son's biggest school trip.

Our son, 13 years old, has the opportunity to go on his first overseas school trip and he's been excited about it for months. The problem isn't the trip itself it's the paperwork. His passport still needs to be sorted, but my ex is making this very difficult. Every conversation about forms turns into an argument, and I'm worried our son will miss out because we can't get on the same page.

I've looked into passport services to understand the process better, but they can't fix the consent issue.

Has anyone here dealt with an uncooperative ex on passport or travel consent paperwork? How did you handle it? Did you find anything that actually helped move things forward?

Any advice would be appreciated. Feeling pretty defeated right now.

My 6month old usually goes to her dad's for a couple of hours twice a week. She went on Monday and her dad didn't mention anything about today, but text me at 7am saying he would be here for 11. I agreed because I would like to keep a good relationship with him but I was a little sad because I had a day planned. About 10 mins after he left I went downstairs and saw he was still parked on the driveway and was standing outside the van. I quickly realised he had locked our baby in the van, he was waiting for his mum to come with the spare keys to get her out.

I absolutely saw red and felt the rage inside that allows mothers to pick up vehicles. I wanted to peel the door off and get to my baby. I started telling him off and it made her cry. I hate that she was fine and my emotions upset her.

I walked away because I was angry to catch my breath but felt so drawn to make sure she was ok that I went back out again. This was a huge mistake. His mum had turned up, she is an incredibly volatile woman and absolutely hates me. She thinks I hurt her (adult baby who still lives with her) I asked her to go because I felt angry but she kept coming towards me. I told her to leave a few more times but she kept coming so I pushed her, she kept coming and I pulled her hair. I'm pretty sure I might have even swung a punch at this point. I have NEVER been in any kind of violent act with someone like this and if I get upset I usually turn it inwards. I cannot believe I acted like this and especially in front of my daughter. Our girl was out of the van by this point and with her dad. I was so upset I just wanted to hold her but he wouldn't give her to me. This is completely understandable because I was so angry.

I went inside to calm down. His mum tried to come in my house and pushed my dog because he was by the door. I asked her to leave, my girls dad asked her to leave and she did.

By this point I realise that I have completely overreacted and I realise what I done, I am so so so upset that my precious daughter has a life with this conflict in it. Me and her dad are absolutely fine, I acknowledged my behaviour was wrong and apologised, I sent a very long message to his mother apologising for my actions and asked that we may repair our relationship when she feels ready for my daughter's sake.

I have always been surrounded by loving people and have never experienced conflict like this growing up or in my adult life. It's really not the way I am, I feel so threatened and hurt by his mother and the way she acted and treated me during my pregnancy/ post partum that I carry an insane amount of emotion that is easily triggered. It's not an excuse but it's why I acted like this.

Locking the baby in the car was an accident, I get that. I let my emotions get the better of me and I really really fucked up. I feel so ashamed and sad. I know we were both to blame in that situation, and she is notoriously volatile and horrible to people but I imagined myself a better person than that. How the hell are we all supposed to move past this now?

I have such a bonded relationship with my baby and we spend about 23 hours a day within a foot of each other, maybe more! Apart from two hours twice a week when she goes to hang out with her dad (he is welcome to as much as he likes but this is his choice). I breastfeed and cosleep and she is the complete centre of my universe. Honestly every day I get to hang out with her is just pure bliss! She is screen free and I try to raise her in a calm holistic way and today was just the complete opposite of how our life has been together. I'm so so disappointed in myself and the fact that I am now forever entwined with a woman that brings the absolute worst out in me.

My ex and I have recently decided to separate. It was a mutual decision - too much has happened, too much resentment, we’ve been stuck in a loop and I so desperately want to keep our family together, but, at the same time, I don’t want our son growing up thinking the way he talks to me when he’s frustrated/angry is normal.

It’s been about a week that we made this decision, and I’m struggling but he seems totally fine. We are still living together for now, and were due to go on a trip to visit his family, but I’ve decided I need some space to process so I’m taking a few days alone at home before I join them there.

I’m just wondering how others recommend navigating these first few weeks / months. How can we keep tension to a minimum and just focus on our son? I’ll be away later in August to stay with my family and son alone so we’ll have another 2 weeks or so apart, but then he is hopefully going to find a new place to live in the next month or 2.

Any advice welcome!

My coparent and I decided to do a joint bday party with our friends and their kid, and our daughter. The whole party is basically going to be all my coparents family and my coparents new partner, no one from my family can attend and my friends with kids are also the coparents friends, so should I even go to the party and just do the actual bday with my daughter? The fact the new partner and all my ex family (who I was really close with) is going to be there seems overwhelming, am I overthinking it? Or should I just not go? Internal struggle is real on this one.

My coparent and his ex partner have been split up for a few months now, but they have a not even 1 year old baby together. I have a separate relationship with my coparents partner and sometimes get together with them so my child can see their half sibling and ex partner (ex partner did the majority of childcare when my child would be over during coparents time and they love seeing ex partner).

A day or two ago my co parent got ahold of me to let me know he and his ex are going to court over their shared child and told me to not communicate with them. I have a theory his reasoning is he doesn’t want us to know where he’s been lying to us (ex: lying about his work schedule to avoid us, how much ((or more like how little)) he’s seeing either child, if he’s helping financially, etc) and I wanted to know if he even has the ability to tell me to not talk to his ex. I was not contacted by a lawyer, he simply texted me saying to not contact them. My coparent isn’t the best human being historically, so I feel like this is a fear or manipulation tactic for a lack of better words, but I also do not want to wind up being in trouble since he did say they’re going to court and not to contact them.

I also understand this isn’t a legal advice sub, but I thought anyone who went through similar may have an answer. This is also all just scratching the surface of many issues had with him, but this just feels not right and more like him trying to control the situation.

I also don’t know if it’s relevant, but my coparent and I have a stipulation/agreement between us about our child filed, so what him and his ex partner are going to be doing in court is different from how he and I did since they filed him as absent.

My children’s father’s girlfriend and even his mom have been posting and reposting things on social media that are clearly about me and our situation. The posts portray me as bitter, controlling, and as someone who keeps the kids from their dad and his family. It’s not an accurate representation of what’s been happening at all. There is a lot more context that isn’t being shared but it’s being presented publicly as though I’m simply withholding the kids for no reason. I have brought it up to him and he doesn’t see a problem with it at all and basically just ignores it like he does everything else.
How else should I handle this? Is it even worth it to bring it up in court? There has been so much conflict all together from her and I am just so over it especially when there’s kids involved.

My daughter (3) father took me to court to fight for sole legal custody. We are currently heading into a de novo hearing in a couple months. I am doing this solely without a lawyer. I feel like I have put together a pretty good case. I am asking that anybody else who has gone or is going through this what things did you put together for your case and did it go in your favor?

I (30f) recently was left by my husband (30m) of over a decade and we have a 6 month old baby together. He left me for someone else and honestly I was completely blindsided. We decided to have a baby together and now he still wants to be in his childs life, but can't stand to be around me for some reason anymore.

I'm trying to be grateful that he's not abandoning his child, but I almost wish he didn't want custody and I feel bad for wanting that. He eventually wants 50/50 custody and I can't stop thinking about all the things I'm going to miss out on in my child's life as they grow up. I'm going to miss so many milestones, holidays, everyday cuddles, and all the cute things kids do and it just kills me every time I think about it. It feels so unfair that he gets to take my child's life away from me because he didn't want to make our marriage work.

I am in therapy but I think I just need some hope from others who has gone through this that maybe someday it will feel ok and I won't feel like dying every time my ex wants time with our child, but without me. I know other mom's who went through divorces or were single parents, but they had sole custody of their children. I wish I could just be a single mom and get my child all the time because my ex doesn't help out with anything baby related anyways, he just wants to take them out on fun trips. I know that's unfair though because it best for children to have a relationship with both parents (and courts wouldn't award me full custody anyways because he not crazy or abusive), but man I need some hope right now.

Please tell me it gets easier.

I share custody of my 12yo daughter with my ex-wife. She remarried 6 years ago, and she and her husband have a 6yo daughter together. Stepdad works from home so he has the kids usually. Mom and I have had 50/50 scheduling since the moment we separated, when our 12yo daughter was 3yo.

The other night, my daughter was on the phone with her stepdad for about 30 minutes. After the call in her room, she came downstairs to hang out with me.

She told me her 6yo little sister’s birthday is next Wednesday and that she’d be helping set up for the Saturday party and celebrate throughout the week. She asked if she could stay at her mom’s house for an extra week so she wouldn’t miss any of the birthday week.

I told her I’d talk to her mom about it and suggested that, if possible, maybe she could at least be there on her sister’s actual birthday since the party on Saturday is already moms parenting time. She became really emotional and said she didn’t understand why she couldn’t be there for the entire birthday week because her little sister “needs” her and doesn’t understand yet why she has “two dads in different houses.”

She said that every time she goes back to her mom’s house, all she hears about is how distraught her little sister was while she was gone.

She brought up how her phone has daytime parental restrictions (created by me), only allowing her to call or text me and her mom until 5pm daily. At 5pm, she can speak to anyone in her contacts, including stepdad.

Because of this, she can’t answer all of her stepdad’s calls in a day. He calls as early as 7am sometimes, after just seeing her at 6:30am before the exchange. She said she has multiple missed calls from him almost every day that she’s with me, and they’re often about her little sister. She also said they get upset when she doesn’t answer each call and it’s my fault for having the restriction.

She went on to tell me that when she returns to mom after spending the 4 nights with me, she’s told that her little sister’s pillow is “soaked from tears” because she’s been crying every night. She says this is a regular occurrence. The exchange back to mom’s house is at 5pm. The girls do not share a bedroom.

At that point my daughter was starting to cry too. She told me she has to be there for her little sister because there’s nothing her mom or stepdad can do to stop the crying while she’s with me except have my daughter assist with the little sister.

I told her that it’s the adults’ responsibility to help a 6yo understand custody and transitions between homes, not the responsibility of a 12yo sibling. I also explained that any schedule changes are something her mom and I need to discuss, not something she should feel responsible for arranging herself.

She kept asking why I couldn’t just call her mom right then, and she didn’t understand why she couldn’t work it out herself. Eventually she got frustrated, ended the conversation, and went upstairs.

Am I overthinking this? Or would you also be concerned that a 12yo is carrying a level of emotional responsibility that should belong to the adults?

My son (5)’s dad (31M) and I (29F) have been separated for 2 years. My son’s dad gets upset with me because I don’t tell him about our son’s upcoming school events. For example, my son had a performance for grandparents’ day and he blamed me for why he didn’t show. He said, “you didn’t tell me he had a performance.” He’s upset currently because I didn’t tell him about meet the teacher. The school sends out emails weekly and the teachers send out emails once a month. He is included in those emails. Is it my responsibility to tell him about school events?

If the other parent (20%) doesn’t bother to know the kids school holiday schedule does the main parent have to force feed it to them?

We have a shared Google Calendar that HE made and put me on, but I’m the only one who ever adds anything to it.

We have that little schedule where on odd years he gets this holiday and even years I get it etc, but he doesn’t even know when the holidays are. Is it my job to still be his wife and tell him when everything is and keep the calendar?

All the info is readily available online with a Google search, it seems unfair I have to tell him when his time is because he can’t be assed to care.

Yes I’d rather just not tell him and if he misses whatever school breaks he has because he can’t lift a finger, well that sucks to suck. But is that allowed?

My daughter is 7. She goes to her dad’s for a week then with me for a week. She’s told me her dad doesn’t play with her much and she has her own phone over there. She recently asked for my number and had called me every day and wants to stay on the phone and play with me through the phone bc her dad just leaves her alone. I don’t want to mess up their time together but I feel bad not answering when she calls me. Can I get opinions or suggestions on whether this is wrong of me and what I should do or how to handle this?😢

My ex gf does not brush our sons teeth it’s been 1.5 years and as a result he needs two root canals and cavities at 7 years old. She bathes him and does everything else but just never brushed his teeth I have given her warnings and it’s not changing idk what to do.

My daughter is 13 and missed 115 days of school this past year. Because of her high absenteeism, the school board’s attendance review team recommended professional mental health support, but she completely refuses. Screening inventories with her doctor confirmed severe anxiety symptoms. However, she is still very social, does not appear depressed, and scored very low on depression scales.

Right now, she is also refusing to come to my house (I am her dad). My ex-wife and I are coming out of a high-conflict divorce, so co-parenting has historically been difficult. To show a united front and try to build solidarity for our daughter, our whole family (including my 15-year-old son) recently had dinner together for the first time in 7 years.

While we are trying to be on the same page, we have a major divide on how to handle her therapy and avoidance. Her mom’s stance is that we need to "let her drive the bus" when it comes to therapy and forced choices. That means if our daughter says no to seeing a professional or going to school, we shouldn't push it. But my view is: if the bus has a flat tire or has run completely out of gas, how on earth is the driver expected to get it back on the road without adult intervention?

The vast majority of her missed days occurred while she was staying at her mom's house. Her mom works from home, and all the clinical research on severe school avoidance points to kids wanting to stay home where it feels safe and comfortable to be with a loved one. I strongly worry that her mom is inadvertently accommodating her anxiety to keep the peace, inadvertently rewarding the avoidance by providing an enjoyable, low-demand environment at home.

Many people in my life have suggested that I go back to court to seek a custody modification, but I really do not want to do this. Court has historically been very acrimonious, I have been down that road many times, and I am deeply afraid that returning to court will cause her mom to further alienate me. On top of that, forcing a 13-year-old through a court order gives zero guarantee that she will actually step foot in my house. It is an incredibly tough situation.

As her father, and as an elementary school teacher of 25 years, this is personally and professionally devastating to watch. She is very close to her mother, but I am a deeply caring and involved father. While her refusing to visit me hurts, I recognize it is a secondary issue; my primary concern right now is her severe school avoidance. I’ve done a lot of research on this and recently looked into the SPACE program (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions), which focuses on training parents to change how they accommodate a child's anxiety rather than forcing the child into therapy.

She is going into Grade 8 this fall. My fear is that as academic concepts become more abstract and peer dynamics become more complex, she will withdraw even further because she currently lacks the coping mechanisms to deal with difficult social situations (like girl/peer drama). She is highly intelligent, previously scoring Level 4 (above provincial standards) on her EQAO standardized tests, but obviously her academic performance and report cards regressed tremendously this past year.

Has anyone dealt with school avoidance of this severity without turning to court? How do you handle a co-parent who insists on "letting the child drive the bus" when the bus is broken down on the side of the road? Any advice on SPACE or preparing for Grade 8 after a high-conflict divorce?

I think me and my ex had a good co-parenting relationship before but today was a huge testament to that.

He met someone new, but stuck to our agreement that before introducing someone new into our daughter's life, we speak about it first.

We actually talked about it in depth and agreed that it's best to wait a few more months for her sake.

I'm so happy you guys. We're somehow managing this, where as before we were absolutely toxic for each other.

Hello me (28F) and my ex (44M) split up two years ago, started living separately a year ago, and coparent our 5yo daughter on a 50/50 basis usually 2 days on 2 days off.

She has recently started summer break from school which is 7 weeks long. My parents live close by to us all, and my mum works 3 days a week, my dad works 4 days a week. They’ve used up most (if not all) of their own annual leave on their own holidays and trips, which is fair enough.

Now I was planning to ask my mum is she could help on the occasional Thursday or Friday that she is not at work so that I can save some more of my own annual leave for Christmas etc. My ex and I had already agreed a day by day parenting plan for the summer and I worked my annual leave from work around this - not booking many Thursdays or Fridays off.

Today my ex text me to ask if my parents can help with childcare over the holidays and that it would be “reasonable” for them to do so. He is insinuating that they help him cover some of his days that he is due to have our daughter. His own parents are dead so he can’t ask them for help.

My question is - is it reasonable for him to expect my parents to help him out on ‘his’ days with our daughter? It would mean I have to move my own days around at work and would get less help myself as a result, because they do work themselves.

For additional context - my ex recently started dating again and his schedule has been busier for this reason too. I asked him if he would consider reconciliation and he declined. So this is where we are now. I don’t want to be unreasonable but also don’t want to feel like he is taking advantage a bit. Any advice welcome!

Hi Folks,

Myself (27M) and my ex (21F) have broken up just under a month ago. The relationship wasn’t great for a long period of time due to the combination of me and her. I have realised some of the things I could do better and have even started therapy to deal with any form of childhood trauma.

I have also gotten into great shape again - 6’6 110kg 11% body fat. All have been done in an attempt to salvage this relationship.

I’m focusing on becoming the best version of myself for my daughter, myself and her.

Have you ever been in a similar situation or have any advice ?

Thanks!

Hindi maganda ‘yong break-up namin ng ex ko and if natatandaan nyo pa minessage message ako ng current GF nya months ago about cybercrime (keme)

Fast forward today.. nagbirthday ang anak namin.-1 year na kaming walang contact ng anak ko sakanya at sa buong family nya. No sustento at all and no kamusta. Kasi nga ayaw ng GF nya na may communication kami but I guess ayaw rin nya so hinayaan ko nalang. Lumayo kami. I chose that decision for our own sake. Nakatulong naman sya I must say kasi okay na kami ng anak ko.

But last week nagreach out ang family ng ex ko asking if okay lang na makasama nila uli apo nila. So nagkausap kami pumayag na ako, I was expecting na kasama ang father ng son ko sabi ko pa nga isama rin ang GF nya baka sakaling maging maayos na lahat sa amin, pero ang sabi “busy raw sa work”. Tbh, wala naman na ako pakialam. Nainis lang ako for my son kasi birthday ng anak nya ‘yon. Kilala ko sya. And siguro naman kahit sino kung birthday ng anak, gagawa ng paraan considering na 1 year nya na hindi nakakasama anak nya. Pero naisip ko last year nga na birthday rin ng anak nya, wala syang paramdam. Feeling ko hindi lang sya pinayagan ng GF nya or ayaw nya ako kasama. I’m okay with that. Naiintindihan ko naman. Mas okay naman kasi talaga if hindi na ako kasama sa dinner kasi nirerespeto ko ex ko and esp his GF. Kaso mapilit family nya na sumama ako kahit ilang beses ako tumanggi. Syempre mahabang taon rin ang nakasama ko sila.

So ayun, natuloy kami magdinner ng family nya. My son was very happy kasi nakasama nya ulit mga pinsan nya. Biglang pinapasabi ng father nya na baka pwede raw hiramin anak ko para masolo nya. Napaisip ako.

At first ayoko talaga. Pero naisip ko na baka way na yon para maging okay ang co-parenting namin. And inisip ko rin anak ko. I want to have him a normal and happy life despite of what happened to me and his father.

Pinahiram ko nitong Sunday. Masaya yung anak ko na nakasama nya ulit father ko. But the question here is wala kaming way para makapagusap about sa co-parenting dahil nga ayaw ng GF nya na may communication kami. Nung susunduin nga anak ko and ihahatid, kailangan sa kapatid pa nya ang tulay. Hindi ako nageexpect sa totoo lang pero sa isang taon na hindi nya nakasama anak nya, wala man lang binigay sa anak ko ni kahit ano. Dumaan pasko, bagong taon, graduation. Pero nalalaman ko naman na kung saan saan sila nagpupunta ng GF nya, travel, kain, happenings.

Nakakastress lang. Parang mali na nakipagcommunicate pa ulit ako sakanila. I talked to my son kung may sinabi ba sakanya father nya kung magbibigay ba for him, wala daw. As in parang wala lang.

Mali ba ako na magdemand? Or hanggang ganon nalang talaga? Bonding lang? Gusto ko syang i-message na sana maging okay na kami at magsustento na sya pero worry ko ako nanaman lumabas na masama.

Hahayaan ko nalang ba na wala kami contact sakanila? Should I stop and hayaan na siya? Nagaalala ako feeling ko nga kapag nagka anak na sila ng GF nya total echepwera na anak ko.

I need your thoughts, teata. Thank you so much!

3 months ago I was trying to fix things with the mother of my little 6 year old. She claimed that she was only “talking” to a guy and 2 days ago she said she wanted to talk to me. Told me that things are going pretty serious with this person and they found an apartment together so they moved in. I just feel so bad knowing that my daughter is spending her nights with her and some random ass guy I don’t even know. To be honest I still have love for her but my MAIN concern is that how can she possibly do that to her daughter? As if she thinks our daughter will be better off with some random person she barely knows. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance .

hi everyone,

my son is 18 months old now and i have separated with his mum, but still living together.

she is set on moving away from our current city where we met, had our child and bought a house together.

i have been present in my son’s life every single day and love him with all my heart. i am scared of losing lots of time with him and losing the close bond i have with my child.

for more context, she is planning on moving roughly two hours away from our current city.

has anyone dealt with a similar situation? what kind of arrangements can be expected in this circumstance?

Hey guys :)

My ex recently moved overseas leaving me the sole carer of my daughter.c

Recently became a fulltime single dad, it's meant resigning from work and a massive change in lifestyle (not complaining)!

Tomorrow is my daughters birthday and im in a position where I'm unable to afford any gifts or significant outings :(

Does anyone have any ideas about free activities that will make the day memorable for both of us?

For parents whose child's other parent didn't meet the baby until much later, how did the first visits go, and what helped them be successful?

"(Father's girlfriend's name) says that I'm *not* going to school with (sister) and (stepbrother), she says I'm gonna go make some *new* friends." Says my five year old child out of the blue.

Thats why my ex husband is fighting me hard-core on not having my child start school with his siblings for kindergarten...because he can just go make some new friends at a school that nobody is familiar with.

And I get that she *could* just be parroting what my ex husband said or something as I don't know additional context of that comversation , but I already suspected that many of the texts sent to me from my ex husbands phone were sent by her anyways because the texts literally just go in circles with no real answers/compromise to whatever we're discussing- its just *paragraphs* of telling me off- sentence after sentence of the texter just telling me what a POS they think I am with a "my *fiancè* is better than you...(GF's name) is a better mother to child than you'll ever be" thrown in on every other text.

Really wishing I could just share an *example* of these texts without giving identifying information away, but it literally is just diss after diss on his end with the girlfriend's being thrown randomly on a pedestal even though no one brings her up but him.

"Oh, by the way, (GF) is a major part of his life as another mother who does stuff with him and helps take care of him as her own. Also you and I don't agree on a school so goodbye I'm at work. She'll always be a part of child's life!!! You're way too inconsistent anyways (my older daughter's name- spelled horribly wrong) already went to (previous school/where I had her going for 1 year as her primary parent while living with my dad post-divorce) now (current school- has been going here for 2 years now). Whats one more? 🤷🏻‍♀️ he's a smart kid and teachers will help him navigate and learn the school. Won't take him long. And good on you for not insulting my fiancé. Shows growth."

My ability to make decisions based on the best interest of my child is taken away from me.

My voice in the major decisions in my own child's life are not even considered. And I am at a complete loss here.