Tldr> Mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and abused opiates to a level that was more of a problem than the cancer until her final days.

32m. This is probably going to sound quite callous to those who have not experienced either in family members or loved ones, let alone both at once and this was a very complex situation with roots going back a lot further than the illness.

Just fyi I got really tired and depressed writing this so although it's a large write up it is summarized eg finding her stupefied wasn't just once.

My mother passed away from cancer in Dec 25, and I am left with a pretty complex grief over what happened in her last few months.

I had also lost my father to cancer in Dec 15, and my mother greatly cared for him in his last months.

It was found after her death that with her lifestyle from friends and aquaintances that unfortunately she could be described as a very high functioning addict and had always had some level of misuse of prescription medication, I had always had some level of suspicion even as a kid but was always gaslighted away from the subject.

My mother was a nurse in an injury & neuro rehab ward for decades, when she was first diagnosed with cancer she fought it bravely, however when she was told it was terminal, things did not take a great turn.

As being a nurse she almost knew too much about what was going to happen, at the time she was living independently.

Very soon after her terminal diagnosis while she was still living independently I started running ino strange occurrences around her behaviour and her home - cigarette burns where they shouldn't have been - on the couch, shoes, phone cases, bench tops.

My mother was always a smoker so I just thought huh that's weird and I would ask her and be deflected.

And then there was the strange and lethargic behaviour, she had said to me it's the changes in her medication from the terminal diagnosis.

As I get further into this I need I state that opiates and other painkillers do absolutely go hand in hand with palliative care to make people comfortable, they need to be.

I had already experienced my father's decline and death and at this point had no issue with medication everywhere and that every now and again my mother may be a bit high at times.

However I started to just show up without notice to see how she was doing and that's when it occured to me that I may have a very serious and very awkward situation on my hands.

I would find her completely stupified and unable to even register who I was, like if (hard to actually generalise) the level of intoxication you would see in a patient in hospital or hospice would be a 4, I would register this as an 8

Spending and hour trying to roll a cigarette, spilling food just given to her on the floor.

I was getting called out of work near on daily from family & friends who had found her like that and didn't know what to do.

Whenever a hospice doctor visit was booked in, she would appear just to be in pain and very very lucid but would avoid discussing health concerns or what level of help she needed at home and would gravitate around getting more medication.

I was having to drop out of work nearly every day to have to wrangle her and whoever had come across her that datly.

I felt like a monster for doing so but I had organized a hospice dr visit without her knowledge

I thought she had just been forgetting what meds she had taken and had a few whoopsies. I thought I'd buy her one of the mon-sun pill boxes with the different times and with her Dr we put what needs to be taken and when.

The next day I had found her asleep in her front porch, covered in coffee and with her arms both in the air.

I noticed her pillbox had been pretty much ransacked and once she had sobered up I put her on the spot about it, and she very sheepishly showed me a sandwich bag full of pills that weren't from no dr, at least hers anyway.

She told me to flush them.

After this she went into hospice for a small respite stay and things seemed to get better.

But the stay was unfortunately her last as she passed in hospice 3 weeks later.

After her death I had found that she was being given pills by multiple sources by friends who thought they were helping and only found all too late what they had done.

The main part of my complex grief is that she had all the firsthand knowledge to not do that to herself.

Opioid induced hyperalgesia was a major workplace hazard at the hospital ward she worked and she knew what abuse would do to her pain reception and the effect on her quality of life once the disease progressed.

She knew what level of stress and trauma stupefying herself would do to her loved ones.

She knew what that level of intoxication would do to her home safety, her main goal was to be at home for as long as she could.

She knew what playing up would be like for her loved ones from my father's death.

And she fucking did it anyway.

My dad is caring for his mother. She has copd and panic attacks around the fear of dying. Shes in the last stage of copd and is receiving palliative care in her own home. She was given morphine, Xanax, and other anxiety meds but she refuses to take them. She claims that they don’t work. She’s very rude to my dad and her nurse. She says horrible things to my dad like she hates him and wants to disown him. She calls her nurse multiple times a day panicking that she’s taking her last breath. It’s very difficult and sad to see. It is slowly breaking my dad. Her nurse says she won’t let her boss her around until she takes her meds as prescribed. We try to give her grace but she’s making it very difficult. Does anyone have advice?

I worked in care for years on a specialist dementia ward and mainly end of life care. I left because I couldn't provide the care I wanted to. After I left I realised what a weight it all was. And the things I just got up and did each day became horrible memories.

I'm between a rock and a hard place in life right now. I need the money and I need the hours - no, it's not a great foundational reason to get back into care. But, I have no choice. I have no car and I'm living at home with my parents. I'm barely keeping my head above water and if I don't change something soon, I'm looking debt in the face.

But I'm scared to return to care work. The shifts are so long and it's so draining (physically I can handle it but mentally not as much). It's so hard to have to go without seeing family and friends so much, it's hard to have any kind of personal life even like exercising. I remember how hard it was to juggle everything. But I really don't have a choice.

Part of me knows that I can do it. That I have done it. And that there are positives to the job too.

But there's just such a big black cloud haunting me about returning to care. There are so many nightmarish memories (mainly management) and it's churning my stomach to think of going back. But I really don't have another choice.

What are some positives that get you through? Have you experienced a lull in your passion for care and how did you get out of it? What helps you - even on the bad days?

Hi all, I'm doing independent research on the day-to-day experience of caregiving, specifically around daily routines, health monitoring, and incontinence care. This isn't affiliated with any product or company, I'm just trying to better understand what caregivers actually deal with day to day.

If you're currently a caregiver, or have been in the past, I'd really appreciate your input. The survey is anonymous, takes about 8 to 10 minutes, and covers things like:

• What takes up the most time and energy in your routine
• How you keep track of health changes in the person you care for
• Your experience with incontinence care, if that applies to you
• What you'd change about your caregiving routine if you could

No product will be shown or mentioned anywhere in the survey. There's an optional spot at the end if you'd be open to a short follow-up conversation, but that's entirely optional and won't affect the rest of your responses either way.

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfdZxpQAqHIzGWC5CiuTC2nPH8sMCrohWftYFBGbXqIVJh4og/viewform?usp=header

Thank you so much to anyone willing to share their experience, I know caregiving is demanding enough without extra asks on your time, so I really do appreciate it.

Finding a reliable private caregiver for a loved one is a huge challenge many of us face. While agencies are an option, they can be expensive, and finding the right person can be difficult. There's a strategy that often goes under the radar, contacting local CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) and HHA (Home Health Aide) schools directly.

These schools are training the next generation of caregivers. Many students are actively looking for opportunities to gain real-world experience, build their resumes, and earn extra income. The students are trained in the latest care techniques and are capable of caring for most patients. Before going to the school, it may help if you had a written paper with your name, number, city/neighborhood, and explaining the needs of the patient.

How to do it:

1. Identify Local Schools: Search online for "CNA schools near me" or "Home Health Aide programs [Your City, State]".
2. Contact the Right Person: Reach out to the program director or someone in their career services department.
3. Explain Your Needs: Clearly describe the position. Be specific about the hours (part-time, weekends, overnight), the duties (personal care, meal prep, light housekeeping, errands), and the desired start date. Bring your written paper with you just in case.
4. Ask for Referrals or Posting: Ask if they have a job board where you can post or if they are willing to refer any exceptional students or recent graduates who might be a good fit for a private arrangement.
5. Be Clear It's a Private Hire: Emphasize that this is a direct, private employment opportunity. This manages expectations for both the school and the potential candidates.

Connecting directly with CNA and HHA schools is an innovative solution to the common problem of finding quality private care. It allows you to tap into a pool of motivated, newly trained individuals and build a personal relationship that can lead to a more stable and cost-effective care arrangement for your family. It requires a little extra effort on your part to handle the hiring process, but the potential payoff in finding the right person makes it well worth considering.

*If this helped you, please click the upvote so it can help others as well, thank you*

I wanted to share a personal experience that might help someone, and I encourage everyone to read the scientific literature on this topic and make their own informed conclusions.
My grandmother suddenly developed symptoms that looked very similar to dementia — confusion, cognitive changes, and a significant difference in her usual behavior and functioning.
When I saw her blood test results, I noticed that her folate level was extremely high (beyond the measurable range). She had been taking supplements containing synthetic folic acid together with iron supplements.
This made me start researching the topic, and I found scientific papers discussing possible connections between very high folate levels, folic acid supplementation, vitamin B12 metabolism, and neurological symptoms in older adults.
After her folate levels decreased, her condition improved significantly and she returned to her previous level of functioning.
I am not saying that high folate causes dementia, or that this explains every case of cognitive decline. This is only my personal experience, but I think it is a topic worth being aware of.
If you have an older family member who suddenly develops dementia-like symptoms, especially if they are taking supplements with folic acid, it may be worth discussing this with their doctor.

Hello, I am a "long distance" caregiver (living about an hour away from my mom). I've noticed that a lot of our phone calls have become less about catching up and more about making sure she's okay. Like if she's eating and staying active. I kind've feel bad that I only really call now to make sure she's okay rather than to enjoy a conversation with her.

Has anyone else found themselves doing this? I want to fix this but I worry so much, I'm not sure how I can?

I was laid off from my marketing job about 3 weeks ago and am trying to figure out my next move.

I have an active CNA license and have been thinking about offering private companion care/senior care instead of working through an agency. Things like companionship, transportation to appointments, errands, meal prep, medication reminders, and helping seniors stay independent at home.

For those of you who do private caregiving:
How did you find your first clients?
Did you go through an agency first or start on your own?
Did you create an LLC or get insurance before taking clients?
What hourly rate did you start with?
Any advice or things you wish you knew when you were starting?
I’d really appreciate any guidance. Thanks so much!

Hello everyone. To give you a little background I've been a caregiver since 2016. My mother had cancer and needed some assistance and that's where my journey started she passed away in 2019. In 2021 I met my now amazing fiance. Little did I realize my journey with caregiving was not ready to be over. Upon moving in with my fiance I realized her mother was severely disabled. I was used to being a caregiver but admit not the extent her mother requires. Even though my mom had terminal cancer she was still very much self sufficient.

Over the last 5 years her mother has continued to decline and get much worse. She is 77 now. She has so many medical issues and is almost completely bed bound with the exception of getting up to use a bedside commode. Thankfully we do have help that comes in while we work (me and my fiance both work full time) but the remaining time day and night we are spent caring for her. Making appointments, handling medications attending dr appointments, running urine samples
As she has constant UTIs (I mean literally she has had one on and off for the last two years) waking up to assist with the bathroom day and night as she can't transfer independently. She has accidents very frequently, and it's just getting to the point where outside of working our whole life is centered around her mother. I am happy to help my fiance but I also have to be honest deep down I feel resentment. That is why I came here. I feel so guilt for feeling this way. I resent us both having to wake up all night and have to work the next day. I resent how we aren't able to hardly ever go anywhere because she can't be left alone. I resent how every bit of worry and stress we have is because of her. To make it all worse she is so terrible to my fiance. She screams and yells and berates her constantly. Her other daughter has no part in caring for her and doesn't want any part in it. I could keep on and on but I guess I'll end it with this. How do you all stay cool calm and collected through all of this? How do you have enough patience and love in your heart to not let these feelings come up like they are me? I'm awake right now wondering this because she just woke us yo to use the the bathroom. I also had to take pto day off work tomorrow to build her replacement hospital bed. That is what I mean my PTO is spent taking days off to care for her not for a vacation. It just is so mentally exhausting. Please help give me advice.

I know I sound so mean and heartless again I hate feeling this way and that's why I'm even writing this.

TLDR: me and my fiance work full time and both work together taking care of her bed ridden sick mother who requires a lot of assistance and have no time for ourselves or hardly ever get any breaks outside of the time we are at work. Feeling resentment and not wanting to feel that way.

This is kinda a longshot but I was wondering of anyone had a recommendation for a support group for living with family with severe pain (crohns and double fistula at 20yrs old). I don’t wanna step on any toes or make anyone feel bad, I just don’t know where else to ask and I can’t find any groups/don’t know what to search for to find groups for just family living with someone in such pain as not a caregiver.

It feels so selfish to ask because I am not in that pain but I just don’t know what to do. I can’t help besides fetch pain meds if they’re too far and a year of listening to such levels of human suffering is… a lot. I hear it in my music and when I’m trying to watch a video but am too scared to turn the volume down to see if its real. Loud noise makes me flinch and my chest get tight. Some days I’m just completely dissociated or parts of my body feel cold from the stress. Please help.

My parents are a very accomplished and beloved couple. They are way better at life than me. Their eating, exercising, and sleeping habits are perfectly reasonable. The only blind spot of consequence is my father's woeful lack of hydration. I live an active, physical, and athletic life, so hydration is an everyday deliberate act for me. But to my parents, it seems completely foreign. My father has several health issues, of which, dehydration plays a role. It's not something doctors have any interest in talking about. But to me it's plain as day.

How on Earth can I encourage my father to drink more water?

Hi everyone — my 90-year-old dad has pancreatic cancer and currently has two drains that unfortunately aren’t going anywhere anytime soon. One drains his biliary ducts (they weren’t able to place a stent) and the other drains a surgical site where his bowel was perforated during a procedure, with the tumor pressing on the site and causing ongoing leakage.
The drains are a real source of discomfort and stress for him and we’re trying to find something he can wear at home that lets him manage them with some dignity — ideally a robe, nightshirt, or adaptive gown with internal pockets where he can stash the drain bags without them hanging awkwardly.
We’ve been searching but finding it overwhelming — most of what comes up is mastectomy-related which skews pretty feminine, and beyond the aesthetic issue we’re not sure the fit would translate well for a man. We’re totally open to robes, gowns, nightshirts, whatever — just looking for something that actually works for male patients specifically.
Has anyone navigated this with a male family member and found something that really works? Any product recommendations, brands, or creative workarounds would be hugely appreciated. Thank you.

I don’t know if anyone will remember me, but about 6 months ago I posted that I had given my mom (stage 3 metastatic breast cancer) notice that I wouldn’t be able to be her caregiver anymore. I was losing myself daily, and I needed to take a step away. The situation was unhealthy and abusive, and was causing serious damage to our relationship.

I figured I’d give an update now that it’s been half a year. i am very lucky to be able to report that things are going well. My family was able to step in and help my mom when she needed it. My mom was not happy that I was leaving at first, naturally, but eventually leaned into being able to care for herself. She even told me over the phone one day that my being there and taking the responsibility of being her full caretaker allowed her to give up a little, and my being gone forced her to be responsible for herself in a good way. It gave her a chance to care about her own outcome again.

My mom is done with chemo. She just had her follow up pet scan a few months after her last chemo treatment, and the cancer has stopped growing. Doctors are pleased, and my mom is living an active lifestyle again. She is still in recovery, but looks healthier and happier. In these six months, I’ve also met someone who loves and cares for me deeply, and acquired a career position that will set me up to care for myself and my family. I will be flying my mom out to visit me, and my partner (at my mom’s request), here in the next month or so.

I know this is such a rare and blessed situation, but I wanted to share some hope and light in such a difficult journey. There is never a right or wrong answer to the decisions we have to make, but I am eternally grateful for the way my decision played out. And if you’re struggling as a caregiver, just know you aren’t alone. You are a real hero, and you deserve every ounce of compassion and patience and love the world can give you.

This will be my last post in this subreddit. Thank you to everyone that supported me through the months that I was a caregiver. You guys made an impact on my life that you’ll probably never know of. This is the most heartfelt community and I wish I could give each and every one of you the biggest hug. ❤️

Has anyone taken a stress leave from work? I honestly just need to hear from people who have because I feel like I’m losing my mind trying to make this decision.

I don’t even really know where to start. I just feel so unbelievably sad and burnt out. I feel like I’ve spent the last few years just surviving and now it’s all catching up to me.

I’m 30 and my mom was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s at 57 after I was the one pushing for answers for almost four years. Watching someone your age lose their mom is hard enough, but watching it happen while she’s still physically here is something I can’t even explain. Every day feels like I’m grieving another piece of her.

At the same time I’m working full time in HR, commuting, dealing with my own health stuff, trying to be there for my husband, trying to keep the house together, trying to take care of my mom, trying to take care of everyone. I just don’t feel like I have anything left.
My therapist thinks I should seriously consider taking a medical leave and honestly I think she’s probably right. Part of me just wants six months where I can actually focus on myself. I want to sleep. I want to work out. I want to be outside every day. I want to eat properly. I want to fix my back and my feet. I want to organize my house because it’s stressing me out. I just want to feel healthy again because right now I honestly don’t. The problem is I feel so guilty.

I’ve always been a high performer. I love working. I take a lot of pride in what I do. My work would pay me 80% of my salary while I’m on leave, but because I work in HR I also know how much people talk. I keep thinking everyone’s going to think I’m lazy or that I’m taking advantage of the system or that I just couldn’t handle my job.

The weird part is if one of our employees came to me with everything I’ve just written, I wouldn’t think that about them for a second. I’d probably tell them to take the leave. But for some reason I can’t give myself that same permission.

I just feel so stuck. I wake up exhausted. I cry all the time. My body hurts. My blood pressure is high. I don’t feel like myself anymore and I honestly don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending I’m okay. I know I need something to change because I can’t keep living like this.

If you’ve taken a stress leave, did it actually help? Did you feel guilty? Did people at work actually care as much as you thought they would? I think I just really need to hear from people who’ve been there because right now I feel completely overwhelmed.

My grandma was admitted to a rehab/skilled nursing facility in Michigan on June 29 after a hospital stay for a broken shoulder. Since she’s been there, our family has had to constantly advocate for her, and we’re at the point where we’re trying to get her transferred. I honestly want to know if this is as serious as it feels or if this is unfortunately common.
She has diabetes (takes both Lantus and Novolog), congestive heart failure, diverticulitis, a cardiac diet, a low-sodium diet, and a broken dominant shoulder. She relies on staff for transfers, hygiene, opening food, medications, etc.
Here are some of the things that have happened:
My mom requested approval for a PureWick device on June 30. We explained that we would provide the machine and supplies ourselves, that it plugs into a regular outlet (not wall suction), and that we would take care of it whenever we were there. We only needed staff to place it and empty it when we weren’t present. The reason we wanted it was because my grandma has severe anxiety about urinating in briefs, not only will she get a uti or infection but without it she avoids taking her prescribed Bumex because she knows she’ll be left sitting in urine. When she skips Bumex, fluid builds up in her legs and abdomen, making it difficult for her to walk and increasing her risk of ending up back in the hospital. We’ve left voicemails, spoken to multiple staff members, and emails have been sent to supervisors, but we’ve still never received a clear answer.
I personally went to the nurses’ station to explain the PureWick. Before I could even finish speaking, I was interrupted and told, “I’ll just send a manager down there.” No manager ever came.
Communication has been awful. Almost every time we ask a question, we’re interrupted before we can finish speaking or given an answer that doesn’t even address what we asked. It feels like no one is actually listening.
One nurse repeatedly had a dismissive attitude toward my grandma. She would interrupt her, seem annoyed when she asked questions about her medications, and even walk away while my grandma was still talking to her.
That same nurse questioned whether my grandma could even take Lantus and Novolog together, even though she’s been prescribed both for years. She also told my grandma multiple times that she didn’t know what medications she was giving her. Hearing that from someone administering medications was honestly alarming.
My grandma was told she had to request her Tylenol. One morning she started asking for it around 8:00 a.m. She continued asking for hours, and I reminded staff multiple times. She didn’t receive it until around 11:00 a.m., which interfered with the timing of her other prescribed pain medication.
We were told one LPN has around 11–14 patients and simply starts at the front of the hallway and works toward the back. My grandma is at the end of the hallway, so she’s consistently one of the last people to receive medications.
She has a physician-ordered cardiac, diabetic, diverticulitis, low-sodium diet with no nuts, seeds, or corn. Despite speaking with a dietitian, she repeatedly received meals she couldn’t eat. Examples include pulled pork, macaroni and cheese, a Fudge Round, turkey covered in salty gravy with au gratin potatoes, burgers and fries, and other meals that didn’t match her diet. Family has repeatedly had to bring or prepare food because she either couldn’t safely eat what was served or it wasn’t appropriate for her diet.
Because of her broken shoulder, she often can’t open her food or drinks herself. One morning staff dropped off her breakfast tray and immediately left. She couldn’t even open her milk.
One nurse aide told my grandma she didn’t feel comfortable transferring her by herself. I completely understand not doing something you believe is unsafe, but instead of getting another staff member to help, my grandma was just left waiting.
On July 5, she notified staff around 7:00 a.m. that she had soiled herself and needed to be cleaned. I arrived around 9:49 a.m., and she was still sitting in urine. My mom arrived around 12:17 p.m., and she still hadn’t been cleaned even after asking staff multiple times and even offering to assist. We ended up cleaning and changing her ourselves because no one came. We later found out staff had been performing CPR on another resident, and I absolutely understand that emergencies happen. However, no one checked on my grandma, explained the delay, or arranged for someone else to help her during those several hours. Her sling ended up soaked with urine, and I had to leave to buy her a new one.
Around 11:30 a.m. that day, her blood sugar was checked, it was 263, and she received 6 units of insulin (2 extra to compensate for lunch but she couldn’t eat that because it was not within her dietary restrictions.)
Later that afternoon, the chart reflected another blood sugar reading at around 3:00 p.m. saying her sugar was at 288. My mother says she remained with my grandmother continuously during that period and did not observe a finger-stick blood sugar check. We’re asking the appropriate authorities to investigate because we have concerns about the documentation.
That evening my grandma texted me that her blood sugar was checked again around 7:30 p.m. and was 188, but she said staff never came back with her Novolog.
I personally overheard staff at the nurses’ station complaining about another resident who was using her call light. One of the nurses said, “Turn it off. It’s every five minutes” because apparently she hits her call button too many times in too short of time for their patience although I’ve personally observed them taking up to 3 hours to respond to call lights. That really bothered me because these residents use call lights because they need help.
My sister also overheard another nurse say, “I don’t know how they deal with this for so long. My head is bald and I would be ripping out my hair.” When she realized my sister was standing there, she said, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t know you were there.”
There are a few staff members who have been wonderful, and I don’t want to lump everyone together. But these issues have happened over and over again in less than a week.
We’re working on getting her transferred but the other place is further from my house and it’s only me and my mom helping her, and plan to contact the Michigan Long-Term Care Ombudsman and the state complaint agency.

For anyone who works in skilled nursing or rehab facilities:
Are these things as concerning as they seem?
Is there anything else we should be documenting?
Is there anyone else we should be contacting besides the Ombudsman and the state?
Has anyone been through something similar, and did reporting it make a difference?
I’m trying to make sure we’re doing everything we can. Not just for my grandma, but because I’m worried there are residents there who don’t have family visiting every day to advocate for them.

I had a nice 3-hour visit w mom today.

She was asleep when I arrived. I went to the dining room for water and ice. When I returned, she opened her eyes.

She looked at me with warmth and love in her eyes. Then immediately asked ‘how long?’. I said at least a couple of hours. She smiled. She looked her hand for a moment, turned back to me and again asked ‘how long?’. Two more rounds of that and she was convinced I was staying.

I’m guessing she’s getting more pain meds because she barely complained about pain. Once she said her belly hurt.

She was in bed and said she had been for days. I asked her if it was her choice or theirs. She said they give her the choice and she has chosen bed.

I told her that her birthday is 7 weeks from today. She likes that it’s on a Saturday. Weekends are still important to her.

I asked her how old she’s gonna be. After a few moments of thought, she said 75. She was quite surprised to hear that she’s turning 90.

She laughed in disbelief. We both laughed because neither of us thought she’d even get this close to 90.

She knows she’s dying. She has said ‘I’m dying’ at least once in each of my more recent longer visits. I’m relieved that she’s accepting it and sad because I’ll miss her.

❤️🧡❤️

Dad is 79, copd that's gotten worse this year, early stage dementia diagnosed last spring. He's still mostly himself but we've got less time than we thought a year ago. He has no life insurance, lost a policy back in 2009 when he couldn't keep up the premiums.

I've been looking at guaranteed acceptance life insurance which seems to be the only category he'd qualify for given his conditions. From what I understand, no health questions, no exam, anyone in the age band gets a yes. The catch I keep reading about is a two year waiting period where if he passes within the first two years, beneficiaries get premiums returned plus a small percentage, not the full death benefit.

Given his copd progression, two years feels honestly like a coin flip. I'm trying to figure out whether the math works out or whether I should just put the same monthly amount into a savings account in my own name for funeral expenses and skip the policy entirely.

The thing I can't tell from the websites is which carriers have the shortest waiting period, or whether any have a partial benefit in year one and full benefit in year two. The agents I've talked to so far have been mixed. Two felt scripted, one walked me through it more carefully. I want to understand the structure before committing dad's money.

If you've navigated this for a parent with similar health stuff, what carriers did you actually look at and what did the waiting period look like in your contract?

I don't know if I'm doing this right but to be honest, I'm young, and this is my first serious relationship. I love this girl so much amd we're coming up on a big milestone for our relationship soon. But sometimes I don't feel like her partner, I feel like her caregiver. She has scoliosis, and although there are things that might be able to help her a huge amount, they just aren't in the cards right now, so shes only getting worse. On top of her scoliosis she has POTS and shes being tested for narcolepsy and ehlers Danlos syndrome. I'm so glad that I'm with her and I love the moments that we spend together, but sometimes I miss how our relationship would be without all of this, even though it never existed, and its so frustrating to not be able to do a single thing for her. Sometimes it feels like my whole life has been reduced down to "wake up, get ready, take care of my girlfriend, go to bed" and I've never once blamed her for it but I can't help but dread it sometimes. I really can't stress enough how much I love this girl but I feel like all of this is sucking the life out of me, and she's so kind I wouldn't dare tell her all of this because she would probably feel so horrible she would leave me for my sake. I just feel like a shell of who I used to be, like a worker bee. The times when she isn't hurting have been the single best days of my life and I really do want to spend the rest of my life with this girl. But I don't know how much longer this will be healthy for me, I don't know if its ever been healthy for me. I care for her every second of every day but honestly sometimes it feels like she cares less than I do. I know what its like to have a chronic illness, I have one of my own (although much less severe, still debilitating sometimes) and I know how upsetting it is to not be able to do the things that other people are able to do, but she just wont stop pushing herself way past her limits. Shes not supposed to drink caffiene, she's supposed to avoid the heat, when shes in the heat shes supposed to wear shorts and a light top, so what does she do? She drinks an entire monster energy drink and then goes outside in a thick pair of baggy black jeans, why would you do that? Its just so frustrating, and then when she inevitably has a flare it all falls on me to take care of her, even when I can barely sit up myself I have to get up and fetch her a glass of water and massage her for hours straight and then comfort her, I know it might be selfish but when do I get taken care of? But when I bring this up to her, no matter how gently, she just shuts down and then apologizes for hours and then sulks for a couple days, and sure she fixes her behavior but I just want to be able to voice my opinion without feeling like i'm bullying my own girlfriend. I love her so so so so much but it feels like my entire life is secondary to hers and that I only exist for her. She makes me so happy but this feeling has just been trickling down on me and I felt so selfish for feeling this way but I just cant hold it in anymore. I barely even enjoy the time I spend with her anymore because all I see when I look at her is the next chore or massage or errand to run for her, and I hate that so much because I want to look at her and only see the girl that I love because thats who she used to be to me.

Some background info: My dad has had a series of medical issues in the past 4 years and it has affected his mobility and he has chronic pain. My mom (64F) is the other half of caretaker support. I watch her try to balance acting like a full time caretaker while working full time hours at her retail job. I know she is stressed, drained, and burnt out. So I try to balance supporting with my dad and my mom - physically and mentally - while working full time as a teacher.

I’ve been supporting my mom most recently, is being her vent source and making sure that she is doing basic tasks for herself. I’ve been supporting my dad with mobility things and trying to prevent feelings of loneliness. I want to take care of both of them so that way they feel physically, mentally, and spiritually content. However, I’m realizing that if my mom is my dad‘s go to person and I’m my mom’s go to person, then I need to go to person to be able to get everything out with or to just be myself without the titles of daughter, teacher, caretaker, etc.

Usually, that is my sister (30F) or my brother-in-law (31M). My sister and brother-in-law have not been the most consistent supports with my dad. They do not live in the home and always express frustration/annoyance (whether through their words or actions) when we ask for some support. And the support can look like coming over when my mom and I are both busy or just simply coming in for a few minutes when they’re dropping something off to chat with my dad. Or if I talk about things that are going on either medically or behaviorally with my dad then it becomes a situation of I’m being too matter of fact about it. This makes my sister feel like I’m holding back and not telling her whole truth which then create feelings/arguments. Needless to say, I haven’t been able to go to them.

For the first time in a long time, I have felt bitter and frustrated with having to take care of the emotional needs of my dad after a long day for myself personally. I got stuck in thought spiral and walked away feeling guilty about being annoyed with him.

I am at a loss with how to continue being a support to both my dad and my mom when I am in need of some support for myself. I have one friend I could go to, but we’re both busy with our own lives so we don’t see each other more than once a month or once every two months. I have another friend who will play the game of oppression Olympics with me, which is not helpful.

I really don’t know why I’m posting here other than to maybe see if there’s anyone else in my position and has advice.

When I was 12 years old, my beloved grandmother started having grand mal seizures at nighttime. I volunteered to stay with her and sleep with her at night. At my age, I certainly didn’t understand what to expect, but love triumphed fear.
Grandma would flail her arms and legs, shake the whole bed and scream out in delirium. I was terrified. I would run up the street to get my aunt to help. Until the next evening grandma would not know who we were or what happened. As I look back at me as a little girl, and the responsibility I had, it has prepared me and changed me more that I can say.
When I was 47, my daddy fell and hit his head and suffered a traumatic brain injury. Up until that day, he was taking care of my mom, driving, walking and gardening. He no longer could do any of that. I took my Mama and Daddy in at the same time. I only had a 2 bedroom home, so I put a hospital bed in my living room. Mama had CHF, COPD and schizophrenia. Daddy had A Fib and the brain injury. My husband took care of them during the day, I took care of after I got off work at 2pm. I had worked in healthcare since I was 19. Mama lived 2 years with us until she passed. Daddy lived 7 years with us before he passed in 2014. Three years later, I came home from work, and found my husband without any signs of life. I pulled him off off of his weight bench onto the floor and started screaming his name and doing CPR. I continued CPR until EMS arrived. EMS did CPR for 20 minutes to no avail, before calling it. As they were taking him on the stretcher to the hospital in the ambulance, I asked, “Is he breathing?” The paramedic said , “No ma’am, I’m not going to lie to you, he’s not”. I prayed all the way to the hospital. I went to the family room with my daughter, and I had to go to the bathroom. I told myself, I can’t believe this is happening, I’m a widow at 57. I used the restroom and went back into the family room. The ER dr had come in while I was in the restroom. I sit down, and the DR said, “Well, he’s alive!” In the state of confusion, I asked “He’s alive?” The Dr said, “Yes, he’s alive and unstable”. I couldn’t grasp it. After some time I was able to go to the trauma room. He was intubated and had tubes everywhere. There was a young lady in a paramedic uniform, standing there, staring at him. She asked, “Are you his wife?” I said yes. In a daze she said “He just started breathing on his own in the ambulance!” I knew God had breathed the breath of life back into him. He had been down for 30 minutes. God answered my prayers. My husband did suffer a severe brain injury and was in the hospital for 5 months. I took him home, I took care of his every need. He lived 2 1/2 years and passed in 2020. In 2021, my sweetheart from when I was 16 yrs old contacted me. We have been together 5 years now. He has IPF for which there is no cure. He has progressively gotten worse. Now, I am his caregiver and his love. I have no regrets. I know that I have done everything within my power to help my loved ones. I understand that God had this specific calling for me. I will never say it was easy, or I didn’t feel like I could go on, or I didn’t feel like giving up. All I know is, I gave everything I had to complete my mission. My prayer is that if anyone is on the fence about taking care of a loved one, pray about it. Ask God what He would have you to do. I have found that when I am helping others, God gives me more strength than when I try to help myself. This is my testimony. God Bless you all. 🙏

I work for visiting angels. One of my clients has caregivers from multiple agencies on different days, I work with him on Saturdays. When I arrive, his house is spotless, other than his bed needing to be made and his dinner dishes from the night before. I'm scheduled with him for 4 hours and I feel guilty because 90% of the visit is us just visiting. Is this normal for some clients? It's only my second full week working in home health care.

I’m looking for some perspective because I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m a brand-new employee at a home care agency. After only a few shifts, I’m ready to quit, but I want to make sure I do this correctly to protect my future career and the next person they exploit.

Here is the breakdown of what happened in my first few days:

Zero Training: I received no clinical training, no shadow shifts, and no formal orientation. I was handed a PowerPoint about not dispensing meds directly and told to start working.

Safety/Care Plan Issues: I was sent to two different homes with complex needs (dementia, mobility issues) with no care plans provided. In one instance, I had to rely on notes from previous caregivers that didn't even mention the client's behavioral history.

Coercion: After working a handful of shifts, I declined a last-minute call-out. I was immediately summoned to a call by management, chastised for my "low hours," and told I would be fired if I declined future shifts. Because I needed the job, I felt backed into a corner and accepted an overnight shift with a high-needs client I had never met.

The Incident: During that overnight shift, the client became disinhibited and sexually assaulted me. I felt frozen and unsafe, but because the agency had instilled such a fear of "client abandonment" (and because I was alone with no backup), I didn't know how to safely remove myself from the situation until my shift ended.

I’ve since contacted my union and reported the incident through the proper workplace safety channels. My doctor has put me off work for the time being.
I feel more violated by the company’s negligence than the incident itself. They sent an untrained, brand-new person into an unsafe environment, didn't provide a care plan, and coerced me into the shift.

Has anyone else dealt with an agency this predatory? I’m planning to quit once the union investigation is over, but I want to make sure this company is held accountable so they don't do this to someone else. What should my next steps be to ensure there's a paper trail?

I thought my youngest niece's high school graduation last month might be the day our family finally started healing.

For a few hours, almost everyone was together. Biological siblings. Step siblings. In-laws. Grandchildren. It felt normal. Or at least as normal as we've been in years. Until my disgruntled sister, who is a caregiver for her Dad walked in.

One of my sisters, who had refused to care for the stepfather, quietly walked over to our disgruntled sister.

She wasn't looking for an argument.

She simply wanted to say hello, ask if she'd seen the supplies dropped off, and maybe take the first step toward repairing a relationship that's been strained by the ongoing caregiving of our 90-year-old father.

Before she could finish speaking...

My sister turned around and walked away.

No yelling.

No harsh words.

No scene.

Just silence.

I watched my sister stand there trying to pretend it didn't hurt.

But it did.

Our mother spent her life trying to keep all of us together despite everything we'd been through. We aren't a perfect family, but we've always found our way back to each other.

Lately, that feels like it's slipping away.

The hardest part is knowing this isn't really about that moment at graduation.

It's about decades of pain that quietly walked into the room with all of us.

That wasn't the end of the day. It was the beginning of another chapter.

My dad is 79 and has been on dialysis for 11 years. My mom has been living with dementia for more than 5 years.

I’m one of the main people trying to keep everything together for both of them. Most days, I manage. But some days, it all catches up with me, the appointments, the medicines, the reminders, diet and all the small things that can quickly become big problems if I miss them.

I’m not really here looking for solutions. I think I just needed to say this somewhere people would understand without me having to explain why it feels so heavy.

If you’ve found anything that helped you deal with the load of caregiving, I would really appreciate hearing it.