Hi everyone,

I'm writing this because I'm hoping to find some clarity and hear from people who have been through something similar.

For several years, I've been working on my anxious attachment, abandonment triggers, and the guilt that often comes with them. I've noticed that these feelings become especially intense with people who are inconsistent or unclear. The less predictable they are, the more my anxiety grows.

My biggest trigger is when a conversation is left hanging. For example, I send a message and the other person replies hours later or even the next day. Rationally, I know people have their own lives, work, friends, and responsibilities. I don't expect anyone to be available all the time.

Right now, I'm not in a relationship, but there is someone I'd like to get to know better. We've only known each other for a short time, but I hope there could be a genuine connection. I'm doing my best not to let my attachment wounds get in the way. At the same time, I'm trying not to put him on a pedestal too early, although I don't think I've been very successful at that.

Because of that, I usually keep everything to myself. I don't want to overwhelm the other person or sabotage what could become a healthy connection. So instead of acting on my anxiety or constantly seeking reassurance, I sit with it. The problem is that the need for connection feels enormous, and holding all of that inside can be incredibly painful. It's exhausting. It feels like carrying around a huge emotional weight that no one else can see. It's also hard to explain to people who haven't experienced it without worrying they'll see me as "too much" or as someone who's simply "too needy" or "still stuck in the past".

Another thing I struggle with is knowing ""what's real"". I can never tell if I'm reacting to my anxiety or if the other person's behavior is genuinely inconsistent. Sometimes people really do disappear and reappear whenever it suits them, and it's difficult to know when my intuition is valid versus when my attachment system is being activated.

I'm trying really hard not to let this control my life. I don't want fear and insecurity to make my decisions. I want to become more secure, build healthy relationships, and stop feeling like every delay or uncertainty is a threat to the connection.

Has anyone else experienced this, especially in the early stages of getting to know someone? How do you tell the difference between anxiety and genuine inconsistency? And what has genuinely helped you become more secure, so you don't end up suffering so much while getting to know someone?

Thank you for reading and for all your advices!

Me and my Partner have been together about 1 and a half years. At the start of the relationship i Had No Problem about her gaming, talking and texting with other men. I don't really know when it startest. I only know that i am completely Controlling her. If i would do otherwise, u would get a really hard anxiety attack.

For example: recently, my girl was gaming with a random guy she knew from playing. And of course—I got an anxiety attack again. I then proceeded to text her.

She, as understanding as she is, of course told me that she will try to do otherwise. I love it that she is so understanding—don't get me wrong. But I noticed she definitely feels a little bit restricted because of me. We also just had a fight about this, and I know I want to be better for her.

I really want to stop controlling her, spying on her and just want her to feel free.

**How do I stop myself from constantly controlling her?**

We 38F and 33F were together for just a few months and they had to get out of my town permanently- it was also a very busy time as they had to submit a manuscript for an important study. So it was months of intense work for them. I understood this and just kept conversations light with asking how they are doing and just trying to be there for them in general.

But I fell into a very anxious dynamic, (writing them my feelings, asking to talk after they meet thier manuscript deadline), over thinking the fact I’ll probably never see them again. we had one fight before the move in which they said they would never feel romantically safe with me again. This fight is on a recurring issue on their part, but thier feeling on the outcome of the fight is that: Even though we kinda moved past the fight, I believed them.

I’ve taken about 2months to calm myself and try to let them go in my heart- I rarely think of them anymore and even though I’m not dating yet, I’m ok being single.
Now they want the call, but my feelings about both the call (talk) and them is changed and I think they will take this as a huge rejection. Or maybe not.

Should I just write them a text and say it’s ok we can just break up or make the call and say I’m not interested anymore in them?

I (f, 23) got late diagnosed with autism just over a year ago and right after had a ‘situationship’ that was pretty intense for me. A lot of anxiety cos of certain things from his end and then changing his mind. It was confusing for both of us for different reasons but it was extremely hard for me to deal with the uncertainty of that relationship.

The last few months I have been dating a girl it was going really well nothing like what I just described before. Great communication and I felt really safe she asked me to be her girlfriend and it felt really good. We broke up last night on account of her having some trauma she needs to work out on her own independently. Classic it’s not you it’s me. We said we want to reconnect one day and we were both very very sad about it.

I know my brain and I’m worried the uncertainty of that will be really hard for me. Sometimes I cling on to hope too much maybe. I don’t know how to heal from this because I am so bad at reconciling with the unknown. A couple months before I started seeing her I moved cities to where I am now and I only have one really close friend here so having one less certain relationship in my life feels really hard.

Just sad because after that situationship the fact that this was so clear right from the start and that she was the one who asked me to be her girlfriend and she was always very clear and open with her feelings the false sense of security from that certainty I thought I had is very hard. And now the uncertainty of a future relationship.

This is something I have struggled with for so long and I am really sick of the anxiety that happens cos of it but I don’t know how to be better.

I'm gonna dig into the secure land by using a psychological technique called internalising, when you identify your patterns as parts with different needs and strategies.

Something happened to me tonight after my partner shared that earlier in the relationship he kept distance when I was dissociating so much and subconsciously pushed my feelings away.

I still have traces of that pattern, when my needs have been more unmet than met, I go inside and I shut down. A small part of me still finds safety in that, but over time the part who knows the cost of shutting down, has become louder, and that part wants to tear the walls down and enjoy being here, grounded and connected with myself and others, in the present and knows that's the true safe space.

So I'm currently forging a path for that part. I'm also reminding myself how to communicate to that part , so that part feels secure enough to stay and continue the growth.

Whats interesting with this is, where do my abandonment triggers go? Where did they come from, and what happens when I no longer give them the spotlight? I thought they would scream louder and revolt like in the past, (from push to pull, from building brick walls, to throwing bricks and claiming abandonment.)

But it seems like they are one with this part that wants to step out in the light, only they are the voice of fear. Let's call it the dark side, they view themselves as helpless and they want me to be saved by my partner, while the light side is *the voice of courage*, and it tells me I am able to impact my own reality - I am my own hero.

The biggest revelation in this is that the more I judge myself, the more helpless I become, the thicker that wall gets, and the safer it feels to not see the light of day. And this gives the illusion that fading away behind a wall is better than being in my human flesh.

My Self-attacks antidote, is my self-empathy. Underneath my defences and triggers lays vulnerable truth, my insecurities , my sorrows, and fears, and they come from the wounded child. The one who carries the terror of the trauma. If I care to meet that child when I'm feeling insecure, my abandonment triggers fade by themselves. The hard ice cube in my hand, becomes water that calmly pours down between my fingers, like a river, it feels peaceful inside my pulse, and in my mind I'm free from chains I myself once used on me.

I'm getting a bit metaphoric but you understand, it all gets a new meaning, once we can start to choose courage. I'm not always courageous, but I know I can be, so my focus regardless previous results, is the present direction of courage.

I hope this nut cracker can resonate to someone else and hopefully lead you right too. In the past I felt ashamed-exposed by my vulnerable posts but I'm not this time around, this is me my purpose has always been to learn and inspire. I'm in my right element right here right now.

I (33F) matched with a 36M on a dating app 3-4 months ago. He said he had commitment issues and wanted something casual while I wanted a partner, so we agreed to be friends. Despite that, we got very close, talking daily and spending time together. He opened up about personal struggles but was emotionally inconsistent, often ignoring my feelings. After a family trip, his behavior changed—he reduced communication, avoided conversations, canceled plans, and asked for space without following up.

After a week, I reached out about losing my AirPods and we resumed talking normally, even working together briefly. A few days later, after a small conflict, he became distant again, then unsent messages and unfollowed me. I tried contacting him with no response, then wished him well, unfollowed him, and deleted his number. A day later, he sent a casual WhatsApp link, which I ignored, and it’s been over 20 days. I’m now planning to visit a country he really likes and knows a lot about. do you guys think it’s a good idea to reach out to him for recommendations, given we have that in common? Or will he think I’m desperate for his validation or attention? I know I can google things to do but I want hidden gems/people recommendations

TL;DR: Got close to a guy who said he didn’t want commitment, he became inconsistent and eventually ghosted/unfollowed me. Now I’m traveling to a place he knows well should I reach out for recommendations?