I know how bad this looks from the outside, but I am in so much pain and I just need honest advice from anyone who has been here. My ex of 4 years broke up with me on June 7th. On July 19th, we had a brutal call where he said some of the most heartless things imaginable. He told me he doesn't love me anymore, called "out of sight, out of mind," and said he only stayed with me for 4 years because I was pretty. He attacked my intellect, said I have no potential for a career, mocked my love for him, and dismissed my physical pain—like not being able to eat or sleep—as "bullshit for attention."

Looking at his behavior, he checks every single box of a Dismissive Avoidant (DA) in deep deactivation. He has completely shut down all empathy, rewritten the entire history of our relationship, and flipped a cold switch. I know how terribly he treated me, but my heart hasn't caught up with my brain yet. I still love him deeply, and despite everything, I want him back. I want to know if there is any way to break through that avoidant wall or if anyone here successfully navigated a situation this bad with a DA ex.

Since the breakup, I’ve already called him and cried three separate times begging for comfort, but it only made him colder. I know I cannot and do not want to call him again—I told him on that last call that I would never reach out again, even if I died. Right now, he has blocked me on Instagram, and out of sheer hurt and self-preservation, I blocked him everywhere else (WhatsApp, Facebook).

If you are someone who managed to get a cold, dismissive ex back after a toxic post-breakup phase like this, please share your story. How did it happen? Did total silence and walking away finally make them realize what they lost once the relief phase wore off? I'm trying so hard to hold onto my dignity and stay strictly no contact, but I desperately need perspective from people who have been through this exact nightmare.

I'm gonna dig into the secure land by using a psychological technique called internalising, when you identify your patterns as parts with different needs and strategies.

Something happened to me tonight after my partner shared that earlier in the relationship he kept distance when I was dissociating so much and subconsciously pushed my feelings away.

I still have traces of that pattern, when my needs have been more unmet than met, I go inside and I shut down. A small part of me still finds safety in that, but over time the part who knows the cost of shutting down, has become louder, and that part wants to tear the walls down and enjoy being here, grounded and connected with myself and others, in the present and knows that's the true safe space.

So I'm currently forging a path for that part. I'm also reminding myself how to communicate to that part , so that part feels secure enough to stay and continue the growth.

Whats interesting with this is, where do my abandonment triggers go? Where did they come from, and what happens when I no longer give them the spotlight? I thought they would scream louder and revolt like in the past, (from push to pull, from building brick walls, to throwing bricks and claiming abandonment.)

But it seems like they are one with this part that wants to step out in the light, only they are the voice of fear. Let's call it the dark side, they view themselves as helpless and they want me to be saved by my partner, while the light side is *the voice of courage*, and it tells me I am able to impact my own reality - I am my own hero.

The biggest revelation in this is that the more I judge myself, the more helpless I become, the thicker that wall gets, and the safer it feels to not see the light of day. And this gives the illusion that fading away behind a wall is better than being in my human flesh.

My Self-attacks antidote, is my self-empathy. Underneath my defences and triggers lays vulnerable truth, my insecurities , my sorrows, and fears, and they come from the wounded child. The one who carries the terror of the trauma. If I care to meet that child when I'm feeling insecure, my abandonment triggers fade by themselves. The hard ice cube in my hand, becomes water that calmly pours down between my fingers, like a river, it feels peaceful inside my pulse, and in my mind I'm free from chains I myself once used on me.

I'm getting a bit metaphoric but you understand, it all gets a new meaning, once we can start to choose courage. I'm not always courageous, but I know I can be, so my focus regardless previous results, is the present direction of courage.

I hope this nut cracker can resonate to someone else and hopefully lead you right too. In the past I felt ashamed-exposed by my vulnerable posts but I'm not this time around, this is me my purpose has always been to learn and inspire. I'm in my right element right here right now.

One of the biggest misconceptions about being single is that the solution is simply to "love yourself more."

While self-love is important, it doesn't explain why so many people still feel incomplete when they're alone.

If you've spent years believing that happiness, security, or worth will finally come when someone chooses you, your mind naturally starts treating relationships as the answer to every uncomfortable feeling.

The goal isn't to stop wanting love. Humans are wired for connection. The goal is to stop believing that your life can't be meaningful until love arrives.

Here are a few things that can genuinely help:

1. Figure out what you're really looking for.

When you think, "I want a relationship," ask yourself what you actually hope it will give you.

Do you want someone to make you feel important? Safe? Understood? Less lonely? More confident?

Most of the time, we're chasing a feeling rather than a relationship itself. Once you identify that feeling, you can start creating it in other ways instead of expecting one person to provide all of it.

2. Stop putting your life on hold.

Many people treat being single like a waiting room. They postpone traveling, trying new hobbies, decorating their apartment, learning new skills, or even going to restaurants because they imagine those experiences will be better with a partner. But your life isn't a rehearsal for the future. The more you build a life that feels meaningful now, the less pressure you'll place on a future relationship to create that meaning for you.

3. Learn the difference between loneliness and emotional dependency.

Loneliness is a normal emotion. It simply means you want connection. Emotional dependency is believing you can't be okay unless a specific person is there.

Those aren't the same thing.

Instead of trying to eliminate loneliness every time it appears, practice sitting with it for a little while. Call a friend, go for a walk, journal, or spend time doing something that genuinely absorbs your attention. Over time, loneliness becomes an emotion you can experience rather than something you have to escape immediately.

4. Build trust in yourself.

A lot of people spend years looking for someone they can rely on without realizing they don't yet trust themselves. Self-trust isn't built by positive affirmations. It's built by consistently keeping promises to yourself.

"If you say you'll exercise, do it."

"If you need rest, allow yourself to rest."

"If someone crosses a boundary, honor it."

Every time your actions match your values, you become someone your own mind feels safer relying on.

5. Stop idealizing relationships.

When you're lonely, it's easy to imagine that people in relationships have finally found happiness.

The reality is that relationships don't eliminate insecurity, anxiety, or loneliness. Healthy relationships can absolutely enrich your life, but they don't replace emotional regulation, purpose, or self-worth.

If those things are missing before the relationship, they'll usually still need attention after it begins.

6. Make your world bigger than romance.

If romantic love is your only source of excitement or emotional fulfillment, it will naturally feel like the most important thing in your life. Build close friendships. Invest in family. Join communities. Develop hobbies that genuinely interest you. Work toward goals that have nothing to do with dating.The richer your life becomes, the less your happiness depends on one area of it.

7. Measure your life by more than your relationship status.

Ask yourself this:

"If I never met my future partner this year, what would still make this year meaningful?"

Maybe it's learning a language.

Improving your health.

Starting a business.

Reading more books.

Traveling.

Strengthening friendships.

Growing emotionally.

Those things still matter, whether you're single or not.

Being okay with being alone doesn't mean you stop wanting love. It means you stop believing that your life is incomplete without it. Ironically, when your happiness no longer depends on finding someone, relationships become healthier because they're no longer carrying the impossible responsibility of making you feel whole.

🌷 Safe space for all of us 🌷

If this post helped you and you'd like to go deeper in healing work, I've created a subreddit for psychology, inner work, attachment, emotional healing. Helping and healing together with love. Check out highlighted post of becomingsecure sub(healing sub💚)

I (f, 23) got late diagnosed with autism just over a year ago and right after had a ‘situationship’ that was pretty intense for me. A lot of anxiety cos of certain things from his end and then changing his mind. It was confusing for both of us for different reasons but it was extremely hard for me to deal with the uncertainty of that relationship.

The last few months I have been dating a girl it was going really well nothing like what I just described before. Great communication and I felt really safe she asked me to be her girlfriend and it felt really good. We broke up last night on account of her having some trauma she needs to work out on her own independently. Classic it’s not you it’s me. We said we want to reconnect one day and we were both very very sad about it.

I know my brain and I’m worried the uncertainty of that will be really hard for me. Sometimes I cling on to hope too much maybe. I don’t know how to heal from this because I am so bad at reconciling with the unknown. A couple months before I started seeing her I moved cities to where I am now and I only have one really close friend here so having one less certain relationship in my life feels really hard.

Just sad because after that situationship the fact that this was so clear right from the start and that she was the one who asked me to be her girlfriend and she was always very clear and open with her feelings the false sense of security from that certainty I thought I had is very hard. And now the uncertainty of a future relationship.

This is something I have struggled with for so long and I am really sick of the anxiety that happens cos of it but I don’t know how to be better.