Texas Moral Consistency Border Vigilance Act
A BILL
to ensure that Texas moral values shall prevail not only within the sacred boundaries of this state, but also wherever a Texan may roam, wander, gamble, sin, or otherwise attempt to enjoy personal liberty activities deemed ILLEGAL in Texas.
WHEREAS, Texas’s moral values must prevail not just within our borders, but wherever our residents may travel;
WHEREAS, consistency demands that if Texas may condemn one lawful out-of-state act, Texas may surely condemn them all;
WHEREAS, certain Extreme Radicals — bless their little hearts — continue to insist that legal conduct in another state is somehow “legal” merely because it occurs in another state;
THEREFORE, be it enacted by the Legislature of the State of Texas:
Section 1. Border Surveillance Mandate
Every border municipality shall install, operate, maintain, polish, bless, and periodically admire Automated License Plate Reader cameras at every practical crossing point leaving the State of Texas, at the municipality’s sole expense, because the eyes of Texas are upon you.
Section 2. Citizen Reporting Requirement
Any person who observes, suspects, overhears, dreams about, or receives a suspiciously cheerful text message suggesting that another Texan has crossed state lines for the purpose of gambling shall report such conduct immediately.
Failure to report may result in civil action, public moral disappointment, and possible ICE detention, whether or not the non-compliant 'civilian' failing to report was born in the United States, possesses a valid birth certificate, or can recite the Pledge of Allegiance backward while holding a brisket.
Section 3. Municipal Consequences
Any municipality failing to install the required ALPR cameras, enforce this Act, or otherwise demonstrate sufficient enthusiasm for statewide moral surveillance shall risk the loss of its city status, municipal dignity, barbecue privileges, and all remaining claim to being “Texas enough.”
Such decision shall be final, binding, and divinely understood to be correct, as ordained by our almighty leader and savior, the Governor of Texas.
Section 4. Constitutional Consistency Clause
For heightened enforcement, ICE may detain violators regardless of United States birth status.
Furthermore, because Texas is, for all practical purposes and bumper-sticker purposes, its own country, this state does not recognize the applicability of the 14th Amendment of the United States Constitution when such recognition would interfere with Texas doing Texas things.
Section 5. Approved Moral Reality
In honor of ensuring that one vision rules all, the Texas and Christian Nationalists this Act hereby affirms the following principles for all Texas.
War is peace.
Freedom is slavery.
Ignorance is strength.
Surveillance is liberty.
Hypocrisy is consistency.
Obedience is freedom.
Choice is disorder.
Privacy is suspicion.
Reading is rebellion.
Memory is contraband.
Neighborly love is best expressed through anonymous reporting.
Any resident found thinking independently, traveling suspiciously, asking too many questions, reading unapproved materials, or expressing insufficient enthusiasm for the moral clarity of this Act shall be presumed in need of correction, reflection, and possibly a government-approved pamphlet explaining why they were wrong all along.
For the avoidance of doubt, books may be burned metaphorically or literally, provided the flames are patriotic; women may be blessed, protected, monitored, and corrected in whatever order the State finds administratively convenient; and all Texans shall be considered equal, though some Texans shall be considered more Texas than others.
Let this law stand as a testament to one moral truth for all, Texas-style.
/s