r/ainbow • u/No-Iron-943 • 2m ago
Advice I crossed my own boundaries for my straight friend/crush and now I can’t live with the shame
I honestly don’t know if I’m looking for advice, a reality check, or just somewhere to vent.
I’m gay, and I developed feelings for a straight guy. We became really good friends. It never felt one-sided in terms of friendship. We genuinely got along, and I really enjoyed hanging out with him.
The problem is, I caught feelings.
Recently, I ended up agreeing to a threesome because he was going to be there. Looking back, I don’t think I actually wanted the threesome itself. I just wanted to be close to him. I convinced myself that maybe I’d finally feel connected to him, or maybe something would change.
It didn’t.
Before we even started, he wanted something in return, which already made me feel weird. During everything, he even refused to kiss me. Out of everything that happened, that’s honestly what broke me the most. I know it sounds stupid, but for me, the kiss meant affection. It made me realize that he was okay doing sexual stuff but didn’t want that kind of intimacy with me.
I even swallowed his cum, and now I feel so disgusted with myself. I know people are probably going to say it’s just oral sex, but emotionally I feel like I completely abandoned my self-respect just for the chance of being close to someone who was never going to choose me.
The worst part?
I still miss him.
I don’t even miss the sex. I just miss hanging out with him. It really felt like we had a genuine friendship before all this. Part of me wants to block him forever because seeing him reminds me of everything that happened. Another part of me just wants to message him and ask if he wants to hang out like nothing happened.
I know he’s straight, and I know nothing romantic is going to happen between us. My brain understands that. My heart just refuses to catch up.
Has anyone else ever crossed their own boundaries because they liked someone? Were you able to stay friends afterward, or did you have to walk away completely?
I’m really struggling with the shame and regret right now, and I honestly don’t know what the right thing to do is.







