I have never been the ex who reached out, in fact it was always the other way around, from weeks and months to even a year, I always heard back.
Well this ex? Did a number on my heart, in the best way possible?
We were online friends a year, until we ultimately started dating last year around the end of December, and broke up four months ago this year.
He was the best! Patient, loving, kind, sweet and protective. He never shook his head at my silly quips like men in the past, but encouraged me and my thoughts. Before him I was in an abusive relationship, so I was reluctant to get in something else after him, but being friends with this man had me falling in love. He chose me and it was the best few months of my dating life. I learned to be loved softly and also how to communicate better without fear.
He flew down to see me from his state to mine, only to break up with me..he never said a why, and I never thought of it being someone else, he was fairly loyal, but he said it was a lot of push and pull with his mind. It was confusing and I was hurt to no end that weekend we spent together. We held eachother and cried all night.
I had to go no contact after that and I did, until he reached out to me to see how I was doing but it was more a check in as he heard I got into an accident and left it at that.
That was three months ago.
Now four, and Iām the one contacting him. It was a crazy urge and I donāt know why?! I felt insane!!
But he wasnāt upset when I called. He just laughed asking how things were. From there we talked about the weather, our lives good and bad, and just feelings.
I expressed how I still had love for him, but didnāt want him to feel I was telling him out of pity or that I was trying to change his mind or bring up old feelings but he said it was nice to still be cared about. Of course he didnāt share the same sentiment outright and I didnāt expect him to, I just smiled sadly to myself and laughed. He just asked me how I deal with these feelings and where do I put them or are they going to be something he will always carry with him. And I said well thatās what Iāve been doing.
He expressed he wanted to reach out but he didnāt want to use me as a means for validation or love when heās feeling low thinking it would be unfair but that it was nice to hear from me.
I had this big pressured feeling to tell him how I felt, as he is someone who tends to think the opposite at times, but after I did it was like this valve on my heart was turned and opened letting all this steam and pressure out of my heart. I was able to breathe again. I felt bad afterwards when we hung up, but I just remembered the way we could still laugh and talk as if we were just friends again. It felt sod natural even if it was the last time.
I had told him he was free to call or text when the world got too heavy, as we used to fall asleep on the phone every night and talk of heavy topics, to which he said okay. I again apologized for calling but he said he could never ignore me.
I know it seems silly but it feels like healing in a way. A big part of me wishes I could just be done healing and completely over him but I know healing isnāt linear nor quite clean. I want to move on, as he has been trying himself, but itās difficult. I just hope that after this retrograde itāll get easier. Any tips? Thank you!