She wanted the drapes to match the carpet.

I don't know why either, but that Britney must have a bad attitude or something!

Yes, black.

But sometimes I like to add a little bit of milk.

But then sometimes that makes them lat(t)e.

A jo(h)n boat.

Doesn’t fuckin matter

So they dont poke your eye out

Resi-doo

Take a victory lap.

Land ho

Because asteroids was already taken.

Everyone watching started to applaud sarcastically.

The moral:

Be careful not to wind up in the wrong hole, or you too could get :golf clap:.

So what is it if I break wind?

A beanerschnitzel

Work it out with a pencil.

Now once there was a farmer, and daughters he had five,
And each of them was waiting for their first date to arrive.
Their boyfriends all would tell him how they would have their fun.
If the farmer didn't like it, he'd shoot them with his gun.

So the first guy knocked on the door and said, "Hello. My name is Teddy.
I'm here to pick up your daughter Betty. You see, we're going steady.
We're going to a restaurant to eat some fine spaghetti."
"Yes," said the farmer, "she is ready." So off went Teddy and Betty.

Then the second guy knocked on the door and said, "Hello. My name is Joe.
I'm here to pick up your daughter Flo, and here's what you should know:
We're going to the movies. We're excited for the show."
"Yes," said the farmer, "you may go." So off went Joe and Flo.

Then the third guy knocked on the door and said, "Hello. My name is Nate.
I'm here to pick up your daughter Kate. I hope that I'm not late!
At the roller rink we're going to skate. That's how we'll spend our date."
"Yes," said the farmer, "that sound great." So off went Nate and Kate.

Then the fourth guy knocked on the door and said, "Hello. My name is Lance.
I'm here to pick up your daughter Nance. Is she ready, by any chance?
We're going to a high school dance that's themed like Paris, France."
"Yes," said the farmer, "I accept your romance." So off went Lance and Nance.

Then the fifth guy knocked on the door and said, "Hello. My name is Chuck.
I'm picking up your daughter in my truck. Is she ready, with any luck?"
The farmer went and grabbed his gun and shot Chuck in the head.
And if this poem were not in rhyme, poor Chuck would not be dead.

After dealing with the financials they head back to her room. He is blown away by her abilities. She fondles the balls, she fingers his ass, and most memorably of all she takes him all the way down to the hilt with ease.

After he’s done he flops back on the bed in equal parts satisfaction and amazement. He wonders aloud “Wow, you must have no gag reflex!”

“Oh honey I have a TERRIBLE gag reflex,” she replies “anything longer than a toothpick in my mouth and I’m practically throwing up!”

They've both been nailed by Romans

"Hard and heavy, hard to carry."

That's my go-to response, what's yours?

So doobie careful.

He looked at me and asked, "Crushed nuts?" I replied, "No. Arthritis."

He addresses the ball when he hears "please don't hurt my buttercups."

He looks down and sees a little tiny figure holding a tiny stick of butter.

He says "who are you?"

She replies "I'm the fairy of the buttercups. If you promise not to hurt my buttercups, I'll grant you a guaranteed lifelong supply of free butter."

He thinks about if for a second and says "ok. But where were you last week when I hit my drive into the field of pussy willows?"

Fuc'ees.