Its typically restrictive around your life being in danger or you perceiving it as being in danger. For example, I was told being groomed online wasnt trauma.

Okie, I don't know how much sense this will make to anyone but me but, since April, I've had on again of again feelings about wanting to be a mom. Now I as a trans woman obviously can't have bio kids so I guess "mother figure."

But in April I had been wracking my head around that fact, and the other day while I was at work I was day dreaming about being a mom and doing like, motherly shit, and I can't help but feel bad for no discernable reason but there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with that. I literally just imagined being a mom and baking cookies with my hypothetical kids.

I don't know why I feel bad or kind of weird for this, but I do, but I'm in therapy and next appointment I'm bringing this up for sure.

I think on some level I feel like I'm just trying to experience what i never got to as a kid but as the mom.... if that makes any sense at all? Like in trans for sure, I'm not wanting to transition solely for stuff like this, I'm absolutely sure I am trans for a litany of other reasons, but I never got to do stuff like this with my mom when I was younger, you know? I never baked cookies with her, like I had mentioned, I never did shit like arts and crafts or just taken a walk with my mom, but when I transition, when I'm a woman and have kids (maybe I will maybe I wont) I want to give them experiences that I never had, like I'm trying to break some kind of cycle here?

Idk, I want to be a mom, or just a feminine parent I guess would be the main takeaway, I don't want to be a dad or a man, and it's highkey devastating as fuck i wasn't born a girl, but what's new? And sorry if this doesnt make sense, I just thought about this again and wanted to get these thoughts down quick :P

if tomorrow a god came to me and told me they'd turn me into a m*le if I killed my entire family for them I'd ask them if they'd like them murdered in any particular way. I hate going outside and feeling like prey every day. I bought a binder because I hate the societal obsession with breasts so much I don't want anybody to ever see mine again. I hate how normalised woman hating fetishes are and how we're encouraged to find joy in retraumatizing ourselves. I hate how I'll never know if I am truly asexual or if I am so fundamentally disgusted by the "female role" in human sexuality that I never developed basic attraction. I hate how we're taught to minimise ourselves from birth so I, having lived in this world for over two decades, have to manually learn all by myself how to know what I want, have thoughts about my future that aren't just drifting through life mindlessly, and speak for myself AS AN ADULT. There is no hope for our kind, no hope at all. it was over for me the second the X sperm was chosen. No one ever listens to me, I passed a medical biology final after studying for like 7 days total and yet the only compliments I get are about how good eye candy I make, because that's what I'm for, clearly. Fuck my chud life.

Okay this pic isn't exactly what I feel.

I hate to do the "female role" in relationships, I hate to be told I'm sexy as a woman. Feeling like crap after I have to dress femininely.

I know, I have a male persona online, I use masculine terms for myself. But I feel sometimes like I'm not actually trans, but a victim of systematic sexism, and that I know that my life would have been way better if I was born male. Because I see male roles as more akin to me.

I like suits, I find them cool, but I find dresses kind of tacky, especially if they have bright colors. "Dress femininely so you'll be beautiful" And why am I ugly by using a suit but boys aren't? Why is EVERY single woman I see feminine in some way or another, where are the masculine women, because i don't see any nowadays. Gimme women in suit, gimme women who take the male roles.

IDK, this sucks because I don't want to be cis for some reason? I feel it's because I'll have to be a victim of sexism but I also feel like, even if things like extreme traditionalists existed, I still wouldn't feel comfortable as a woman.

In other words, am I actually a trans man, or just an "only sane person" who expresses disgust by being sexualized and being more pressured to be "gracile"?

And don't ask me for childhood signs because I have childhood amnesia.

Image is only slightly related tbh, i wanted to write a different vent but ended up with this. Still dysphoria related tho.

Sometimes i don't even understand why I'm nonbinary tbh.

I'm AFAB, so i like the idea of having more masculine features to balance it out so i can look androgynous in a feminine pretty boy way, even though i feel more genderless (? I think, idk). I do have social and body dysphoria.

But while i don't dress hyper feminine i still wear clothes a normal girl would wear and i like a bunch of girly shit, both new ones and ones from my childhood like MLP, Monster/Ever After High, cute things in general. I play games in a "girly way" (I'm pretty sure somebody told me this before), i like creating outfits for my characters, i prefer building pretty things in Minecraft bc I'm bad at most other parts of the game etc. I'm also just not good at anything the men around me are good at that are seen as "more masculine" like knowing how to fix things around the house, being good with electronics etc.

I think i grew up in an extremely gendered and binary society because i can't just think of myself as nonbinary. The people around me constantly talk about random activities and traits as male or female coded, and i genuinely feel bad when I'm not good at or more drawn to the male coded things. I feel like I'm constantly trying to prove that I'm not just a girl, and I'm failing at it.

Had this realization on the way to my paternal grandmother's remembrance mass

i genuinely have no friends i can see on a regular basis that i don't have only a superficial connection to.

in the circus, most of the members deeply care for each other, and can confide/talk with each other about theirselves and their problems. for example, Pomni with Ragatha, Ragatha with Kinger, Gangle with Zooble, etc.

even when that's not the case (ie. Jax), Zooble always wanted to probe further into Jax (e.g. the maid dress scene), and Pomni traversed Jax's abstraction to get to the real her, no matter how shitty of a person she was.

especially with Jax it stuck with me, because i am trans myself, and i saw parts of myself from 2 or more years ago within her (i was never abusive [at least i don't think], but regardless I had a lot of similar traits which could not be regarded as great), and I wish I had someone like Zooble to probe into my mind.

i genuinely don't care about the part where i become a brain scan trapped inside the circus, it would feel so good to feel cared for in a tight knit community as that.

Dad ignored me so bad that (1) kind comment made me nauseous because at 10 it seemed inconceivable that someone could be nice to me without demanding anything in return. I genuinely thought that if I was treated with more than just vague disinterest it meant they were going to assault me later because why else would adults treat me like anything other than a pest?

FUCK YOUR HAPPY LIVES. FUCK YOUR PERFECT RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARENTS, SIBLINGS, FAMILY, FRIENDS AND PARTNER. IT WAS NEVER MEANT FOR ME. I DIDN'T CHOOSE TO BE SOME CONFUSED BISEXUAL ANDROGYNOUS MESS THAT HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE IS OR WHAT HE WANTS AFTER GOING THROUGH A FOG FROM AGE 14-18, THEN REENTERING THE FOG FROM AGE 18.5-19.5 AND STILL, AT AGE 20.5, HE HAS NO IDEA HOW TO HANDLE THIS, EXCEPT HE HAS NEVER FELT THIS ALONE IN HIS LIFE AND SEES NO SILVER LINING IN A LIFE THAT FORGOT HE EXISTS AHHHHHHH FUCK YOUR HAPPINESS FUCK YOUR FEELINGS FUCK YOUR LOVE

I've been hanging out with my family lately and they have been watching a lot of media from the 90's to 2000's.

There is so, so much over sexualization going on in the shows and movies and it has been making me so uncomfortable. I know a part of my aversion is just trauma, but know it's also creepy on it's own when you actually think about it for a minute. It's not funny when a man goes up to a table of women and sits down in between them, gets in their faces, and starts making sexual comments toward them. Touching them without persmission. They treat women as less than human and just conquests.

I have no issue with sexual content on its own in most circumstances, it's just the casual-ness and the fact that so far it has been EVERY show and movie and the in my family the women just laugh like the scenes are funny.

I know part of me may be overreacting, but it's eating away at me.

(I don't even know if the tag is appropriate or not.)

Slowly over the months I've realized that I don't want to continue living like this. Sometimes I wish that I never get to wake up. I dont even know how this started. I'm constantly rotting in bed, I find no joy in the things that once brought it, and the few times I get to leave my room I feel like a burden whenever I want to open up but chicken out last minute because I don't want to be a Debbie downer or ruin the vibes between my friends. Even the degree I'm doing doesn't seem as enjoyable as I thought it would be. I haven't touched a pencil in a long time and I feel like my passion for art is slowly disappearing. I mean I've looked into psychologists in my area, but I don't go through with setting up the appointments. Hope this wasn't too sad to read, maybe I needed to see this typed out to go through with looking for a therapist.

I made it sound vague to not out who I am. This is a very identifiable situation if detailed. If you think you know what this is about, you’re probably right. And if it was you who did it, you know who I am, fuck you. I never said anything about it because I was speechless anyone would do that. Fuck you so much. I can’t believe you did that to me. You never even realized what you did because you’re a piece of shit. You’re so shitty you didn’t even think about how it would hurt me. And your friend was a piece of shit too. He was outed as such for impersonating and stalking his ex. You’re a weirdo for staying friends with him. I hated you both. Fuck. You. I don’t care if you tell the rest of our friends about this. I never want to see or hear about you again. Fuck you.

The last time they actually contacted me was 10 days ago (we stopped being friends in like March) but one of my friends (actually my only friend rn lol) posted them hanging out and it just made me want to cry. I can't stop them from being friends but it still hurts. It feels like I'm going to be haunted by them forever
I have two other friendsbbut I don't really talk to them BC I can't trust that they're not also talking shit about me with #thosepeople and I also can't block them BC they never directly did anything wrong to me ugh

Apparently emotional neglect and emotional abuse are one of the most common causes for structural dissociation. Who could have foreseen such a thing? /sar

All of this could be solved if my parents made a meaningful effort to care about and try to address my mental health issues, but they would rather slap a band-aid on it and blame me that the massive gaping wound is still there.

I swear to god there is some sort of industrial complex convincing Asian parents that throwing money at tutoring can just buy your children marks. Don't get me wrong, it can help, but acting like it is the most important, let alone determinator of academic success is just simply so wrong.

Edit: I should probably mention that I have ADHD as well, on top of gender dysphoria and depression - of which the ADHD I've gotten diagnosed, and my parents being aware of it, despite acting like it doesn't exist.

this is a problem i encounter a lot in my life

always seeing things like "common things abusers/psychopaths/evil people who will kill you say!" and its just all things i either actually say or things i want to say but don't because im self aware it seems abusive to say or think

and like this is a common issue i find, but like i just.... dont care? i dont wanna be seen as abusive or be abusive but at the same time i just, idk how to say it without making myself sound bad but like, i just think im better than most people anyway?

i call it a god complex because idk what else to call it but genuinely i just can't see the average person as anything more than a animal, i have people i see as worthy of my attention and that i care about (my friends and family) but in general most people are just... rats that are often more annoying then helpful that i just wanna squish to get them out of my way, maybe even play with them a bit to amuse myself

i dont wanna talk to a therapist about this because i dont wanna get sent to a mental hospital or be seen as a danger to people because thats all that would happen

I genuinely believe with governments restricting internet unless you dox yourself to third parties, accelerating climate change and AI, humanity has locked itself into extinction in a few decades at most. That, or a well dystopian cyber future where everything you say and do even online will be tied back to you, information will be controlled by the government and if you step out of line even a little bit or dare have independent thought, you will disappear. I live in the UK with no way of getting out because I don't have the money to move, and we're already speeding towards that future. I'm trans too, so that's even worse for me. My parents knowingly put a new human being into a world they knew was dying, knowing it had the chance to be LGBT, have disabilities or in any way not fit in, and I fucking hate them for that. They're decently off. Not well off, but decently. They couldn't have just aborted me? Decided to use protection? They knew full well the world was shit and it was going to get shittier, and they still evilly decided to bring a child into it to witness it die. And it makes me mad that they and my therapist and the wider world try to convince me into not killing myself. It's so manipulative. I didn't ask to be here. I didn't ask to be born in a world where summers keep getting hotter, the rich richer, the poor poorer, corporations keep trying to take over and the economy is near unliveable, yet they're trying to force me out of sheer sadism. Oh what's that mum and dad? You love me and don't want me to die? I guess that's too fucking bad!!!!! You decided to have me knowing this was a likely outcome because of the world you decided to force me into. You accepted those terms and conditions. You don't get to suddenly back out now that your unrealistic fantasies didn't come true. You don't get to steal an innocent soul from wherever souls come from, force it into a meat suit, make it see the ever worsening horrors of the place you doomed it to, then be grumpy that it doesn't want to live there anymore. Also, I was already going to die anyway, with a chance you'd outlive me even if it wasn't suicide. You accepted that by having me, it's pathetic to turn around and get pissy at it now. And the only reason the outer world doesn't like suicide is because that means one less slave to forever work their life away feeding even more to the rich and passing around propaganda. That's the only reason they keep people who have attempted suicide alive in hospital. If they were humane, suicide would be a human right. Perhaps with moderation so people don't willy nilly kill themselves as soon as life gets hard but it shouldn't be as much of a challenge as it is right now to escape. And with the government cracking down on vpns right now to ensure their plans for mass surveillance and information control is successful and the world's hatred for trans people growing, I'm scared that soon I will have no choice but to die if I don't want to live in a reality where information is withheld, everything online is tied directly to your identity, we're not allowed control over our own bodies and we can only do physical labour jobs because AI has taken everything fun away. That's the future we're headed towards, and I'm so angry that I'm being forced to experience it at the hands of selfish monsters trying to disguise themselves as my friends.

Anyway sorry I just really needed a place to let this out because I'm not seeing my therapist until next week. I'm definitely showing this to her when I do tho so don't worry about that

Empathy and sympathy come very naturally to me. I don’t believe I have a condition that compromises either of those.

But when someone brings up a negative romantic/sexual situation, my compassion just shuts off. I’m not sure why this happens, but it does every single time anyone, stranger or friend, shares a bad romantic/sexual experience.

I can’t bring myself to feel bad for their situation. All I can think about is: “What did you expect?” However, I would never say this to anyone, online or in real life. I understand that they do deserve compassion and sympathy, even if I think they’re stupid for getting into a relationship.

Does anyone else feel this way? I haven’t encountered someone like me yet.

Anyway, thanks for drinking my yappucino.