I’m too gay for the straights and too straight for the gay people. Despite having never had a bf/gf all my life, I’m assumed by others to either be a promiscuous degenerate or the opposite: I get dismissed and infantilized like a teenager going through a punk phase by someone trying to gatekeep who’s queer and who’s not.

Because of that, I don’t bother telling people IRL what I identify as, especially since there’s no point in having a sexuality when you don’t have an interest in a relationship.

I’m literally the only member of my old high school “social circle” who’s still not married and never uses Facebook. They might expect me to be in a rush trying to keep up with them or think that I left social media because of the comparisons. If that’s what they’re thinking—if they’re even thinking of me at all, that is—then they gotta stop flattering themselves because I’m in no rush for anything.

At this stage in my life, I’m fine with growing old with just my three cats and my betta fish. My hair’s gone gray and my joints are achey, but I don’t have anyone nagging about me about making them dinner. I fit the trope of the crazy cat lady spinster and I’m loving it.

When I picture my future, I don’t feel any peace imagining myself married to either a man or a woman. I feel a lot more peace imagining all my inheritance going to my younger sibling’s special needs trust since my parents want me to look after her once they’re gone.

So I'm 34, male. I've isolated myself for the past ten years or so. In this time, I've gotten into weight lifting, more reading, and I've learned German and Spanish to decent levels.

However, I find myself quite lonely and so I am thinking of dating again. I do like my solitude, but it'd be nice to meet someone to go out for lunch or just go on dates. The problem is I see a lot of failed relationships and I don't want that, and I feel like maybe I'll be wasting my time.

I've had relationships before, and I can say I was part of the problem but so were they. I have a good radar for the type of women I need to avoid now, and I'm a lot more stable and mature compared to when I was in my last relationship.

For those of you who have done both sides, why are you choosing to be single? Are you truly happy that way? Just trying to gather some perspectives.

Ya know, the longer im single. The more okay with it I am.

I use to lament it, but since I've essentially given up attempting to date, the pressure has never been lower.

I miss affection, sure, but the peace of mind is nice.

I dont have to censor or sacrifice. Im me, 100%.

Ive been single and alone a decade as of next year.

6 years without intimacy. All I do is gym\[4 years\] and game \[my whole life lol\]

Ive been told I dont look or act terrible so It stumps my people. I just get anxious about intimacy.

I start therapy soon \[no reason, just think I may be socially awkward maybe\] and hope that this makes me want to explore romance. I havent had butterflies since high-school.

Sorry if this was a rant. I just wanted it off my chest.

When i read posts where some single people genuinely express about crushing loneliness that they feel regardless of the frequency and I'd be quick to drop comments like "you just lack sense of self or lacking in creativity or lacking in something"

Numerous times I've also expressed that I can't feel lonely nor boredom, I don't miss people nor do I yearn for touch. And no I don't dislike people, I enjoy brief moments of conversations and contacts but I just don't miss people. For the longest time I thought maybe it's due to my creative mind that others lack.

The theory out there is that humans are social beings and I've always disagreed with that.

I've recently learned that some of us are just wired differently and it could be related to which profession of the tribe we served during the primitive periods.

So here is the plausible theory. Though the majority of the people were part of the group that stayed together, took care of each other and expanded. There were likely these minority scouts who were sent alone to take care of the perimeters. Days, weeks, months or even years spent wandering alone, no conversation with humans, hyperfocusing in primitive weapon making, sensory systems adapted to catch even the tiniest sounds and movements, blissful moments alone, the brain adapted differently that there was no loneliness nor yearning for contact.

They were likely still mated and all but never stayed, the genes passed on and here I am, in my most natural state I find bliss in being alone and hyperfocus on things that I'm into while getting annoyed by tiniest sounds that I never invited.

I can never understand people who always want to belong as much as they would never understand how much I want to be alone, not because I don't like people, not because I'm broken or anything. I am just a scout taking care of the perimeter.

I'm keeping pretty healthy, but I often think about what it'd be like to have to recover from something where I need help for several weeks with basic needs, and it's a bit much for imposing on friends.

This can be things like chemo, but even stuff like recovering from a bad rib or collarbone fracture where things I take for granted become really hard (mobility, lifting anything, ... Wiping my own butt 😂).

I'm sure there are some stories here. Please help give me peace of mind by sharing!

I am single. I had been in relationships before short of getting married. I don't see myself getting married ever. Partly cos of my childhood which I spent most of the time alone other than in school days where I hang out with school mates studying. And I feel most happy being alone even though I can get along with people when I'm with them.

Lately I'm pondering through something as big as the captioned. What are my contributions to the society I live in? I don't have kids and don't plan to have any so I don't contribute in adding more humans to society.

I get that as long as I'm working, I'm contributing to society but this nagging feeling hovers around my mind made me curious thus I ask.

I’m a 35 year old woman, turning 36 soon. I’m single, no children, never been married. I’ve been in several relationships but none of them worked out as I always chose the wrong people. I’ve been regular at therapy for many years to process past trauma and have come a looong way in finding myself, prioritizing my needs, setting boundaries, building authentic friendships, and really investing in my interests and hobbies.

Despite all the success, I’m emotionally struggling a lot because societal conditioning has taught me that I should have been married to a man right now and given him children. But this traditional view of heterosexual marriage is something I don’t want and have never wanted that for myself. However I still feel like a failure and feel like I don’t know what my identity should be for rest of my life. I have a full life and I’m actively working on my goals, but I feel like I’m floating in the ocean without an anchor. I’m figuring things out but I don’t know if I’m doing it right.

Does anyone else feel the same way?

—————

EDIT

Thank you all for sharing the wonderful stories and advice. This is so affirming and liberating. Many hugs.

I broke my own rules and got into a relationship with someone. It’s been a few months and at first things were super great but lately the novelty has worn off and we’re beginning to fight. This most recent fight has us not speaking for over 24 hours now, and I’m debating just ending it.

I’ve done a lot of questioning whether I’m the issue because I simply don’t have the patience for men. Am I not doing enough to be understanding, am I being harsh, am I psycho, do I need therapy (I know I do, trust me)? But my standards are high (-er than ever, because I’ve got a horrible history of dating shitbags), I’m strong in my values and morals, I’m finally at a place where I am brave enough to establish and hold my boundaries, and I don’t have a problem (anymore) holding people close to me accountable for their actions. I used to be the type to swallow it all to keep the peace, at my own expense.

I absolutely love being single and the peace that it brings me (33F). But I date sometimes out of boredom I guess and this guy felt different. I took a chance but now I’m regretting it, rethinking everything, and recognizing the things I actually dislike about him and how we’re incompatible.

I wish I had more of a community of happy and single people around me. All of my friends and family are coupled up and when this new relationship likely ends, they’ll tell me again “you’ll find someone”. Before I met him I assured them I didn’t need to find anyone, and this group was really helping me settle into the understanding that not everyone needs a relationship to feel fulfilled, including me. But I fall prey to the compulsory coupling way of society sometimes because I just don’t have any other single and happy people in my life.

I thought we were in love, but I’m not sure the negative emotions and stress of maintaining a romantic relationship are worth keeping that. My dad died unexpectedly this year and I’m still grieving heavy, work has been so much lately, and I have a 4 year old son who I coparent with his father but who I have most of the time.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here, maybe reassurance from this community that deciding to end things will return me to my happy and single self who happily perused this subreddit along with you all. I talk to my best friend about my feelings on this, but she is happily married to a unicorn of a man, so she’ll often play devils advocate and tell me that relationships are worth it for the growth you can achieve. But in a relationship I am no more committed to my growth as a person than while I’m happily single.

Thank you if you’ve read this far!

I’ve mainly seen posts here from people who found out that they’re not meant to be in relationships - aromantic, non-amorous, asexual, etc. along those lines. Or, from those who are just done with romantic relationships.

I’m curious if any of you (who are happy being single) - are not oppose to having a relationship? I don’t mean actively looking - but just open to one - while happily single?

I’ve been single for 7 years after a decade of partnership ended. About six out of those 7 years happily single by choice. I have not dated or trying to date. I have not been looking or trying to put myself “out there”. I don’t do casual hookups either.

But just recently I feel like I’m ready for my next partner - if someone who would add to my happiness comes along - I’d be open to have another partner. But - if this someone doesn’t exist, I’d still be content being alone.

Anyone else? This is definitely a new “feeling” for me.

...And it cemented for me that I genuinely am happier single. *Nothing* wrong with this person at all, and we had a nice time--but it was a relief to go home to my own bedroom and my own stuff, wipe off the makeup and do whatever I wanted for the rest of the night. 🤣

I haven't spent much time in relationships, but I’ve learned a lot about making the most of my time alone, finding fulfillment on my own, and being self-reliant. My friendships are incredibly precious to me. I also like to spend a lot of time alone, to draw, dance, paint... My relationships didn't work out, I feel societal pressure, but I have very few "crushes", and I hate dating apps.

I used to have this nagging feeling that everyone else in long-term relationships was "lucky," and I found it unbearable that it wasn't happening for me, despite all the work I was doing on myself. I could see the flaws in some of those relationships and told myself I didn't want that kind of dynamic. I often questioned what my friends were willing to put up with—the classic scenarios: a partner dependent on weed who’s let himself go, or one who fails to set boundaries with an intrusive family—or, more alarmingly, a partner secretly using drugs and messaging other women.

But in the last few days, my entire perspective has been turned upside down. This weekend, I saw a friend whose relationship has always appeared absolutely perfect—especially on social media—over the past 15 years. She and her husband were hosting a big event for their child's christening. After just two drinks, the husband made sexualized comments about me and about a 17-year-old guest. I was deeply shocked; it wasn't the first time this had happened, and I had previously forgiven him after he offered profuse apologies and promised to work on his behavior—with the implicit understanding that it would never happen again. He had also committed more serious acts involving another friend—something his wife is aware of. The fact that it happened again completely shattered the illusion his wife was so determined to maintain. She downplayed the incident, telling me he was just "letting off steam." I used to view her as someone who had it all together and was lucky—which seems like a really foolish opinion to me now, given what had happened previously, but she had assured us that he’d gained some real insight in therapy. Now, I’m horrified by what this implies about the things she might be downplaying in her day-to-day life.

I’m very relieved to be on my own now; it feels like the only "safe" path. I get the impression that many people put up with things I could never tolerate. Have you ever had similar realizations?

Heyyy fellow happy single people!!!!! Anyone a night shifter??? Looking for people to chat to when I’m at work! I get bored a lot at work and don’t do shit at work haha. Or if you don’t work nights and still wanna chat with me I’m down! Looking for platonic friendships only! 🫶🏽 I’m deff still happy being single and not interested in being hit on by anyone! TIA!!

The deeper I go into genuinely knowing myself, my needs, my boundaries, my old patterns, the less dependent I become on other people to feel okay. This applies to romantic partners, but honestly to friendships too.

I used to hold this subtle, unconscious belief that if I worked hard enough on myself, a healthy partner would eventually show up as the ultimate "reward" for healing. Now I realize the life and peace I’ve built is the reward.

It makes me look at modern dating differently. Mainstream culture pushes people to jump from relationship to relationship, usually just to avoid being alone or to subconsciously try to fix old trauma through someone new. I genuinely wonder how many people in relationships would actually choose them if they had done the heavy lifting to earn a secure attachment with themselves first.

Lately, I just find myself pulling away from insecure dynamics almost automatically. I get overwhelmed by the constant noise of messaging apps, even from well-meaning people. The closer I get to my own peace, the more protective I am of my time. It’s not coming from fear or bitterness, just extreme clarity on what actually adds to my life versus what drains it.

It really makes me wonder how many people would genuinely choose to stay single if they’d truly done the inner work, rather than treating it like a sad, temporary waiting room.

Curious if others here have experienced this same shift toward deep autonomy and peace the more secure you've become in yourself.

Single and happy. I’m my own chainsaw chain smoking cool cat 🐱 and my ex husband is my best friend.

The dating craze and falling for the mass cult that is modern relationships proves most people simply do not know themselves. For example, let's say you're the kind of person who really enjoys your own company, needs to go to taekwondo after work throughout the week to unwind and feel relaxed. You love going on quiet walks through the park, going to the gym, picking up lunch and going home to read a book. You're not a fan of constant phone calls and love doing as you please. So... Why exactly would a relationship be for you and why would you even think that could improve your situation?

You get into a relationship with a clingy man or woman who is jealous and insecure about you going to taekwondo so they give you an ultimatum to quit. Now your main hobby, passion and way to unwind after work is gone. You have to make sure you constantly have access to your phone to be able to text back. You have to give up your usual routine of reading in the evening or watching a series to get on facetime or a phone call for 2 hours with your partner. Your libido is low but you get into a relationship with a high libido partner who 'requires' sex from you multiple times a week. And then they wonder why they are unhappy, miserable, tired, losing hair, their glow and stressed. Surely this is basic common sense, logic and critical thinking skills. Am I crazy here or? Basic logic should tell you that based on who you are as a person, this relationship is going to grate on you in the long run. Yet we see it all the time, clearly incompatible couples wasting their time because they don't want to be alone.

If you know yourself well, you'd realise that getting into a relationship simply would not make ANY sense for you, especially if you are someone who really values autonomy. But the thing is, people are so brainwashed by the constant romance propaganda in music, movies, social media, advertisements etc. that they gaslight themselves that it's totally worth it and this is an improvement on their quality of life. Um... No? When are people going to get real with themselves? Sadly I think the answer is never for the majority, the social programming and need to fill a void is just too strong.

Ive only ever had stressful relationships. I dont know why, i attract them clearly. Many peoples idea of bliss is being boo’d up netflix and chilling and all that. Mine? Chilling with my cat listening to soul music.

I have been single for a while and most of my local friends are married. It is hard to have a social life when you are always the extra wheel or when everyone has other priorities. I want to become braver with doing things on my own so that I don’t have to miss out on things that I have been wanting to do.
There is a concert coming up that I really want to go to but I can’t find anyone to join me. I am considering going solo.
Has anyone been to a concert alone? Any tips so you don’t feel awkward?

I mean, would this be considered normal?

I feel that I should be desperate and lonely that I'm single but I feel really calm and relaxed about it all.

It freaks me out.

Am I meant to feel upset like most guys?

I just don't get this lonely desperate feeling.

I've never felt the need for having a romantic relationship until the past few months. Always been content single, but now I have some momentary mood swings during which I am fantasizing about a perfect idyllic relationship with a woman (I am heterosexual man, btw).

So I am asking other singles and happy, especially men, what am I missing by not being in a relationship now and ever? Because I can't really find that the pros outweigh the cons, but I don't know not having ever been in one.

UPDATE: Thanks all for the very insightful replies. To add more context, I'm 40yo man and childfree, so that is a big missing drive for seeking a relationship. Also, regarding trying one first, I'm feeling that it's like finding a needle in a haystack given my age, location, life and work time constraints, all of which are limiting the available pool. And, even bigger factor, not having ever been in one would be a massive red flag for many women.

I love having some living beings around, but I don’t have a lot of physical energy to give. So, a cat and planting bulbs! Do it one time and they come up for years! Are perfect. Low maintenance company

It’s honestly nice not having to deal with all the drama. I hear so many people stressing about mixed signals, breakups, and arguments, and I’m just… not part of any of it.

Being single gives me a lot of peace, and I wouldn’t trade that.

Suppose you don't have a gf or bf or you are not in a relationship with anyone how do you spend your free time study and all are a thing but except that suppose you don't live with family or may be you don't talk to them much how you deal with the loneliness you got it what I am talking about . haven't you ever tried to be in a relationship or fear of rejection whatever it is share it or heartbroken multiple times prevented you to get away from these things .

Sometimes it hurts when you see your surrounding friends and colleagues or people who you interact with daily are in a relationship but you are single and they are more happy cause they have someone for them who cares about them, even about future like what will happen if I stayed single for life and can't find any partner to marry what will I do arranged marriage is not an option anyways so you gotta find someone or may be it's over.

I just randomly bumped into this video, made by an American living in Norway, and as a Finn (not Scandinavian but Nordic) I concur. All the "tradwife" slop is really alien (and downright bafflingly stupid) to us.

Quoting one Danish woman from the comments:

"I know, at least in Denmark, most people used to be, relatively, poor peasants or even poorer farm workers. On a poor person's farm everyone, including cats and dogs, works.

This whole trad wife business is an unsustainable fantasy. That is unless you're part of the 1% and have your own money.

I also get a bit peeved on behalf women like my Granny who was a traditional homemaker before the invention of the washing machine. Her vegetable patch wasn't a "look at me, I'm touching grass" hobby. It was needed to feed the family. Her life wasn't glamorous. It was hard work. The kind that would stain those "trad wives'" pretty dresses and make their make up run."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PqJR73OrPQ

What am I doing today? Fishing! Alone! Happy and at peace being single!!