I somewhat wish I wasn't bi, which comes from a religious and family position where choice feels like something I don't have. Truthfully I would embrace being bi if I could, and I would have had a boyfriend a long time ago, but that's just not an option. I truly wish simply being with someone that is the same gender wasn't viewed as something so wrong, but thats not the reality we live in.

Growing up in a religious family, there is no middle ground. I'm either betraying my family because they believe it to be wrong, or betraying myself because I still believe in my Christian faith, and I would condemn myself by indulging. There's no easy way to go about it except to abandon one or the other. In another life I probobly would be a very different person who would probably be a lot more free and not have to hide anything. Maybe not.

There's just something about talking to guys that is so much easier than women. I think women are beautiful, but I find men just as attractive. I wish I didn't because I could at the very least just say I have no game or something stupid like that, but because I do its just choosing to be alone. It feels I'm suppose to be alone forever, and the messed up part is that I accept it. I accept being alone and the never finding, or seeking love.

There's no way to hide a gay relationship from my family who would disown me rather quickly, and Christianity condemns me from persuing it. Its a no win situation. Its a messed up situation.

I know some people will not understand and probably think I'm going about this the wrong way, maybe think I'm an idiot, or that I'm over exaggerating. Others will likely say that my family would accept me if they truly loved me, but thats just not how it works. I can keep that side to myself and opening up is choosing to throw away my family, when I don't have to. Yet, there's a case to be made that I'm denying myself a very big part of being alive and being a lot happier. To me though, it just feels selfish if I did.

I just wish there was a clear answer. Not one side vs another preaching their interpretation of a book so muddled by time that you start to wonder if there's anything left of its original meaning. A real answet to a real prayer.

Maybe I am just being dramatic. Sexuality is just another part of my self-destructive mental state, but that feels just as impossible to escape.